What are your etiquette deal breakers?

AddieCake

It's like a parade of speshul up in here.

PrettyGirlLost

AddieCake said:

It's like a parade of speshul up in here.

In the future regs, when TK posts a link to a thread in it's e-newsletter, would the 1st person to catch it kindly post the following:

ksantos1

I see a lot of people saying they would rap no if their significant other wasn't invited too. I'm wondering if opinions would change under different circumstances like the couple not knowing or ever having met your significant other?

For instance I'm going to a wedding for my friend that I went to college with. While I was dating my fiancé when we went to school my friend never actually met him. I know it sounds weird but in 3 years we always had work schedule conflicts because we work in the service industries.

Because my friend has a small guest list and never actually met my significant other I was the only one invited. I rsvp yes because I understand that my friend wants people he knows at his wedding and while it would be fun to have my fiancé with me, it is much more important to let my friend have 1 more family member or close friend present than introduce them to my SO at their wedding when so many other things will be going on.

Maggie0829

ksantos1 said:

I see a lot of people saying they would rap no if their significant other wasn't invited too. I'm wondering if opinions would change under different circumstances like the couple not knowing or ever having met your significant other? For instance I'm going to a wedding for my friend that I went to college with. While I was dating my fiancé when we went to school my friend never actually met him. I know it sounds weird but in 3 years we always had work schedule conflicts because we work in the service industries. Because my friend has a small guest list and never actually met my significant other I was the only one invited. I rsvp yes because I understand that my friend wants people he knows at his wedding and while it would be fun to have my fiancé with me, it is much more important to let my friend have 1 more family member or close friend present than introduce them to my SO at their wedding when so many other things will be going on.

Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.  Rude. Rude. Rude. Rude.  Lazy. Lazy. Lazy. Lazy.

Viczaesar

ksantos1 said:

I see a lot of people saying they would rap no if their significant other wasn't invited too. I'm wondering if opinions would change under different circumstances like the couple not knowing or ever having met your significant other? For instance I'm going to a wedding for my friend that I went to college with. While I was dating my fiancé when we went to school my friend never actually met him. I know it sounds weird but in 3 years we always had work schedule conflicts because we work in the service industries. Because my friend has a small guest list and never actually met my significant other I was the only one invited. I rsvp yes because I understand that my friend wants people he knows at his wedding and while it would be fun to have my fiancé with me, it is much more important to let my friend have 1 more family member or close friend present than introduce them to my SO at their wedding when so many other things will be going on.

No.  It doesn't matter if the couple has met your SO, he/she still needs to be invited. 

AddieCake

Shrekspeare, your poetry fucking MOVES me! @ksantos1 Whether or not the couple knows the SO is irrelevant. I didn't meet my husband's MOTHER until our wedding. Guess I should have said no way to her coming! Can't be not knowin' peeps on my special day!

HisGirlFriday13

ksantos1 said:

I see a lot of people saying they would rap no if their significant other wasn't invited too. I'm wondering if opinions would change under different circumstances like the couple not knowing or ever having met your significant other? For instance I'm going to a wedding for my friend that I went to college with. While I was dating my fiancé when we went to school my friend never actually met him. I know it sounds weird but in 3 years we always had work schedule conflicts because we work in the service industries. Because my friend has a small guest list and never actually met my significant other I was the only one invited. I rsvp yes because I understand that my friend wants people he knows at his wedding and while it would be fun to have my fiancé with me, it is much more important to let my friend have 1 more family member or close friend present than introduce them to my SO at their wedding when so many other things will be going on.

There have been, literally, HUNDREDS of threads and replies on this topic. LITERALLY. It's still poor form to invite only one-half of a social unit, regardless of whether you've met the other half or not.

All but two of my aunts and uncles, and ALL of my cousins (about 40 people, total) met DH for the first time on our wedding day. Should they have not invited him to family events between us dating/getting engaged and our wedding because they hadn't met him? 

It stops being about your friend the moment he invites other guests.

And really....it's incredibly poor form to invite one-half of a couple to an event that's designed to celebrate couple-dom.

'Oh, here, come to my event that celebrates our love and our commitment, but don't bring your SO, because, really, I haven't met him and I have better people to fill that spot.'

Also, in three years, if you can't make the time to introduce your FI to your friends, then how close are you, really, to those friends?

grumbledore

ksantos1 said:

I see a lot of people saying they would rap no if their significant other wasn't invited too. I'm wondering if opinions would change under different circumstances like the couple not knowing or ever having met your significant other? For instance I'm going to a wedding for my friend that I went to college with. While I was dating my fiancé when we went to school my friend never actually met him. I know it sounds weird but in 3 years we always had work schedule conflicts because we work in the service industries. Because my friend has a small guest list and never actually met my significant other I was the only one invited. I rsvp yes because I understand that my friend wants people he knows at his wedding and while it would be fun to have my fiancé with me, it is much more important to let my friend have 1 more family member or close friend present than introduce them to my SO at their wedding when so many other things will be going on.

Nope.  If you do not invite my SO, there is no fucking way I am going to your wedding.

PrettyGirlLost

ksantos1 said:

I see a lot of people saying they would rap no if their significant other wasn't invited too. I'm wondering if opinions would change under different circumstances like the couple not knowing or ever having met your significant other? For instance I'm going to a wedding for my friend that I went to college with. While I was dating my fiancé when we went to school my friend never actually met him. I know it sounds weird but in 3 years we always had work schedule conflicts because we work in the service industries. Because my friend has a small guest list and never actually met my significant other I was the only one invited. I rsvp yes because I understand that my friend wants people he knows at his wedding and while it would be fun to have my fiancé with me, it is much more important to let my friend have 1 more family member or close friend present than introduce them to my SO at their wedding when so many other things will be going on.

No.

I don't care if you haven't met my FI yet.  If you are inviting me to come and celebrate your marriage, then you better respect my relationship enough to invite my FI, whether or not you have met him. 

It's not a matter of fun, or being an individual person, or being able to do things alone, it's simply a matter of respect.

I went to FI's cousin's wedding in March. . . guess what, I had never met the groom.  In many of the weddings I have been in or to I had only ever met one person of the couple getting married.

ksantos1

And just at add. I asked my fiancé if he felt weird or insulted about not being invited. He told me that he honestly would have felt awkward going because he's never met them. It's my friends wedding, and we both have friends and work associates that we don't have on common and do things without our significant others so he would feel weird going JUST because he's my significant other.

PrettyGirlLost

ksantos1 said:

And just at add. I asked my fiancé if he felt weird or insulted about not being invited. He told me that he honestly would have felt awkward going because he's never met them. It's my friends wedding, and we both have friends and work associates that we don't have on common and do things without our significant others so he would feel weird going JUST because he's my significant other.

It doesn't matter if your FI doesn't think your friend is being rude, nor that he has no interest in going to this wedding.

The fact of the matter is that she is being rude.

Maggie0829

ksantos1 said:

And just at add. I asked my fiancé if he felt weird or insulted about not being invited. He told me that he honestly would have felt awkward going because he's never met them. It's my friends wedding, and we both have friends and work associates that we don't have on common and do things without our significant others so he would feel weird going JUST because he's my significant other.

But wouldn't this have been a great time to introduce your FI to those that you are friends with?

lyndausvi

ksantos1 said:

I see a lot of people saying they would rap no if their significant other wasn't invited too. I'm wondering if opinions would change under different circumstances like the couple not knowing or ever having met your significant other? For instance I'm going to a wedding for my friend that I went to college with. While I was dating my fiancé when we went to school my friend never actually met him. I know it sounds weird but in 3 years we always had work schedule conflicts because we work in the service industries. Because my friend has a small guest list and never actually met my significant other I was the only one invited. I rsvp yes because I understand that my friend wants people he knows at his wedding and while it would be fun to have my fiancé with me, it is much more important to let my friend have 1 more family member or close friend present than introduce them to my SO at their wedding when so many other things will be going on.

Nope.

I had some guests who I never met before.  As long as at least one part of the couple knew one of us was a good enough reason for me for them to be invited.

AddieCake

Is this thread long enough to be a sticky yet?

ksantos1

Woah this post was not about how close I am to my friends nor my fiancé. We work in the serrvice industry my fiance and i both work more than 1 job which means that not only do we have very little free time to spend with friends we also very often have scheduling conflicts when we do have free time. My are till very close to me even though we don't spend every weekend hanging out and my fiancé and I are still very close even though we don't have all the same friends the mark of a good relationship for us that we have aspects of life that are together and others that are still separate from our coupledom

VulgarGirl

ksantos1 said:

I see a lot of people saying they would rap no if their significant other wasn't invited too. I'm wondering if opinions would change under different circumstances like the couple not knowing or ever having met your significant other? For instance I'm going to a wedding for my friend that I went to college with. While I was dating my fiancé when we went to school my friend never actually met him. I know it sounds weird but in 3 years we always had work schedule conflicts because we work in the service industries. Because my friend has a small guest list and never actually met my significant other I was the only one invited. I rsvp yes because I understand that my friend wants people he knows at his wedding and while it would be fun to have my fiancé with me, it is much more important to let my friend have 1 more family member or close friend present than introduce them to my SO at their wedding when so many other things will be going on.

Lemme tell ya a little story about my friend Kelly. My friend Kelly got married a few years back, we'd known each other for about a year and got a long well. But Kelly had never met my FI (Sophie). No real reason, we'd tried to all get together a few times but Sophie had a big work load and Kelly was in school so things would get shifted around.

Anyways Kelly's wedding comes up and Kelly sends me an invitation. It says "Fiona LastName and Sophia LastName", that's right Kelly knew Sophie and I were together so she invited both of us. She even called me to find out the spelling of Sophie's last name and to find out if her full name was Sophie or Sophia. At her wedding Kelly and her husband made their rounds and when they got to our table Kelly said "Fiona, I'm so glad you could make it! You must be Sophie, I'm so happy we finally get to meet!", she talked to us for a bit and then had to say hi to her other guests.

Kelly has class. Kelly didn't exclude my SO just because she hadn't met her yet, but rather used it as an opportunity to meet her. Of course Kelly also rolled her eyes whenever someone said it "her day". 

KeptInStitches

Woah this post was not about how close I am to my friends nor my fiancé. We work in the serrvice industry my fiance and i both work more than 1 job which means that not only do we have very little free time to spend with friends we also very often have scheduling conflicts when we do have free time. My are till very close to me even though we don't spend every weekend hanging out and my fiancé and I are still very close even though we don't have all the same friends the mark of a good relationship for us that we have aspects of life that are together and others that are still separate from our coupledom

On a day that celebrates your relationship, it's still rude to separate other couples. Whether or not they're "separate from your coupledom."

Emmy1493

lyndausvi

ksantos1 said:

Woah this post was not about how close I am to my friends nor my fiancé. We work in the serrvice industry my fiance and i both work more than 1 job which means that not only do we have very little free time to spend with friends we also very often have scheduling conflicts when we do have free time. My are till very close to me even though we don't spend every weekend hanging out and my fiancé and I are still very close even though we don't have all the same friends the mark of a good relationship for us that we have aspects of life that are together and others that are still separate from our coupledom

We work in the service industry also.  We also do not get a lot of time together.  Wouldn't you feel bad that on one of your FI's rare days off  your FI would be home while you are out parting at a wedding no less because he wasn't invited?

I'm going to pick hanging out with my husband over attending a wedding he wasn't invited to every single time.  Now if he was invited and had to work, then I would have no problem attending by myself.

PrettyGirlLost

AddieCake said:

Is this thread long enough to be a sticky yet?

Nobody's fucking reading what ppl are posting so it might as well be a sticky.

PrettyGirlLost

ksantos1 said:

Woah this post was not about how close I am to my friends nor my fiancé. We work in the serrvice industry my fiance and i both work more than 1 job which means that not only do we have very little free time to spend with friends we also very often have scheduling conflicts when we do have free time. My are till very close to me even though we don't spend every weekend hanging out and my fiancé and I are still very close even though we don't have all the same friends the mark of a good relationship for us that we have aspects of life that are together and others that are still separate from our coupledom

I guess you missed the part in my post where I said that it doesn't matter if you choose to do things separately. . . it is rude to be invited to a social event w/o your SO.  Period.

lyndausvi

MagicInk said:

ksantos1 said:

I see a lot of people saying they would rap no if their significant other wasn't invited too. I'm wondering if opinions would change under different circumstances like the couple not knowing or ever having met your significant other? For instance I'm going to a wedding for my friend that I went to college with. While I was dating my fiancé when we went to school my friend never actually met him. I know it sounds weird but in 3 years we always had work schedule conflicts because we work in the service industries. Because my friend has a small guest list and never actually met my significant other I was the only one invited. I rsvp yes because I understand that my friend wants people he knows at his wedding and while it would be fun to have my fiancé with me, it is much more important to let my friend have 1 more family member or close friend present than introduce them to my SO at their wedding when so many other things will be going on.

Lemme tell ya a little story about my friend Kelly. My friend Kelly got married a few years back, we'd known each other for about a year and got a long well. But Kelly had never met my FI (Sophie). No real reason, we'd tried to all get together a few times but Sophie had a big work load and Kelly was in school so things would get shifted around.

Anyways Kelly's wedding comes up and Kelly sends me an invitation. It says "Fiona LastName and Sophia LastName", that's right Kelly knew Sophie and I were together so she invited both of us. She even called me to find out the spelling of Sophie's last name and to find out if her full name was Sophie or Sophia. At her wedding Kelly and her husband made their rounds and when they got to our table Kelly said "Fiona, I'm so glad you could make it! You must be Sophie, I'm so happy we finally get to meet!", she talked to us for a bit and then had to say hi to her other guests.

Kelly has class. Kelly didn't exclude my SO just because she hadn't met her yet, but rather used it as an opportunity to meet her. Of course Kelly also rolled her eyes whenever someone said it "her day". 

Kelly sounds like good people

Cookie Pusher

I had a friend years ago who did the same. This was before social media exploded. Even though we hadn't seen each other face to face in many years, we grew up together and she felt it appropriate to invite me to her wedding. She called me and specifically asked what FI's name and our current address were. Her wedding was the first time they ever met, and they've only seen each other once or twice since. Doesn't stop her from addressing Christmas cards and party invitations to the both of us even though she knows FI's schedule doesn't often allow for him to accompany me. That's just being respectful of your friends' relationships.

heyyou1203

@HisGirlFriday13

Oh I understand. I'm saying it doesn't matter. I'm not some catty bitch hung up on details about other people's personal lives that I care so much about whether someone's married or not for them to have a wedding. For all I care, they never get married (or can't because they're gay and living in a backwards state) and just have a commitment ceremony and big reception! Walking down the aisle in a big getup and everything. People come to a wedding, and specifically to the wedding ceremony, to share the couple expressing their love and commitment to each other in front of all their loved ones. If they're already married, who cares. She's already a wife? Semantics. The point is that they wanted to share this with me and the other  guests, and I'm honored that they wanted to do it, even if it's not "real."

Sugargirl1019

PrettyGirlLost said:

AddieCake said:

It's like a parade of speshul up in here.

In the future regs, when TK posts a link to a thread in it's e-newsletter, would the 1st person to catch it kindly post the following:




I did back on.. Page 4 out of (17) 18! ridiculous pages of repeating the same nonsense over and over. I made it through this marathon - may I have some wine?

ETA: I did not post that gif but I will next time! I just announced what was coming.

grumbledore

And just at add. I asked my fiancé if he felt weird or insulted about not being invited. He told me that he honestly would have felt awkward going because he's never met them. It's my friends wedding, and we both have friends and work associates that we don't have on common and do things without our significant others so he would feel weird going JUST because he's my significant other.

Irrelevant. He doesn't have to RSVP yes, but they DO have to invite him.

thisismynickname2

I posted originally in a very early page, but wanted to add on specifically about B-lists.

"But be happy you were invited anyway!"

Well... speaking as someone who's been B-listed, and was happy to go and party anyway, I did that because I like the people.  I have been B-listed by people in my broader social circle. Acquaintances.  I knew where I stood.  I bought a nice gift and was otherwise properly hosted in all regards. 

Here's where it gets rude.  Do you really want to receive an invitation 2 days before the RSVP date and realize that in the grand scheme of your friend's life you ranked number 281?  We all have family and "obligation" invites.  

With proper planning, you can avoid the B-list all together.  

a) Write down your VIP and Obligation list. 

b) Write down your Really Want list.

c)  Find a venue and caterer and work your budget to accommodate total VIP/Obligation + Really Want

d) Make sure this venue will not rob you blind if your actual number comes in significantly lower than the total in line C. 

e) Over time, start putting feelers out there and see how many of your VIP and Obligation list will really come. (For example, we just learned that one whole family does not have the money to travel. Fine. There's 4 spots open.)

f) Using your new estimated total of VIP/Obligation, send invites to all of them plus as many of your Really Want list you can manage with 100% attendance. 

g) Be happy with whatever number shows up. Do NOT send more invitations as declines come in just to "fill seats and hit a minimum*".

*The beauty of a minimum, if you don't reach it through numbers alone, is the ability to upgrade. Did you have to spend $5k with standard bar package?  If you have too few guests, upgrade to premium bar and add extra desserts!  

HisGirlFriday13

heyyou1203 said:

@HisGirlFriday13

Oh I understand. I'm saying it doesn't matter. I'm not some catty bitch hung up on details about other people's personal lives that I care so much about whether someone's married or not for them to have a wedding. For all I care, they never get married (or can't because they're gay and living in a backwards state) and just have a commitment ceremony and big reception! Walking down the aisle in a big getup and everything. People come to a wedding, and specifically to the wedding ceremony, to share the couple expressing their love and commitment to each other in front of all their loved ones. If they're already married, who cares. She's already a wife? Semantics. The point is that they wanted to share this with me and the other  guests, and I'm honored that they wanted to do it, even if it's not "real."

I can't tell if you're calling just me a catty bitch or all the people who disagreed with you catty bitches, but either way, it's a TOS violation.

And if you're honoured to be given sloppy seconds of a wedding do-over, then by all means, attend as many PPDs as you want.

But please don't confuse them with real weddings.

To call a PPD a wedding is like calling an ox a bull. He's thankful for the honour, but he'd rather have restored to him what's rightfully his.

theartistformerlyknownas

thisismynickname said:

I posted originally in a very early page, but wanted to add on specifically about B-lists.

"But be happy you were invited anyway!"

Well... speaking as someone who's been B-listed, and was happy to go and party anyway, I did that because I like the people.  I have been B-listed by people in my broader social circle. Acquaintances.  I knew where I stood.  I bought a nice gift and was otherwise properly hosted in all regards. 

Here's where it gets rude.  Do you really want to receive an invitation 2 days before the RSVP date and realize that in the grand scheme of your friend's life you ranked number 281?  We all have family and "obligation" invites.  

With proper planning, you can avoid the B-list all together.  

a) Write down your VIP and Obligation list. 

b) Write down your Really Want list.

c)  Find a venue and caterer and work your budget to accommodate total VIP/Obligation + Really Want

d) Make sure this venue will not rob you blind if your actual number comes in significantly lower than the total in line C. 

e) Over time, start putting feelers out there and see how many of your VIP and Obligation list will really come. (For example, we just learned that one whole family does not have the money to travel. Fine. There's 4 spots open.)

f) Using your new estimated total of VIP/Obligation, send invites to all of them plus as many of your Really Want list you can manage with 100% attendance. 

g) Be happy with whatever number shows up. Do NOT send more invitations as declines come in just to "fill seats and hit a minimum*".

*The beauty of a minimum, if you don't reach it through numbers alone, is the ability to upgrade. Did you have to spend $5k with standard bar package?  If you have too few guests, upgrade to premium bar and add extra desserts!  

I wanted to add too, on the subject of minimums... one of my friends got married a few years ago. Venue had a minimum for her buffet dinner. RSVPs came in 12 under the minimum. Rather than send B-list invites, she just told the venue there were 12 more kids coming than actually were (kids' meals were half price). They don't actually count heads at your reception, they just need a guaranteed volume of food to make. Easy peasy. 

Moar cake is always an option too though.

lyndausvi

lolo883 said:

thisismynickname said:

I posted originally in a very early page, but wanted to add on specifically about B-lists.

"But be happy you were invited anyway!"

Well... speaking as someone who's been B-listed, and was happy to go and party anyway, I did that because I like the people.  I have been B-listed by people in my broader social circle. Acquaintances.  I knew where I stood.  I bought a nice gift and was otherwise properly hosted in all regards. 

Here's where it gets rude.  Do you really want to receive an invitation 2 days before the RSVP date and realize that in the grand scheme of your friend's life you ranked number 281?  We all have family and "obligation" invites.  

With proper planning, you can avoid the B-list all together.  

a) Write down your VIP and Obligation list. 

b) Write down your Really Want list.

c)  Find a venue and caterer and work your budget to accommodate total VIP/Obligation + Really Want

d) Make sure this venue will not rob you blind if your actual number comes in significantly lower than the total in line C. 

e) Over time, start putting feelers out there and see how many of your VIP and Obligation list will really come. (For example, we just learned that one whole family does not have the money to travel. Fine. There's 4 spots open.)

f) Using your new estimated total of VIP/Obligation, send invites to all of them plus as many of your Really Want list you can manage with 100% attendance. 

g) Be happy with whatever number shows up. Do NOT send more invitations as declines come in just to "fill seats and hit a minimum*".

*The beauty of a minimum, if you don't reach it through numbers alone, is the ability to upgrade. Did you have to spend $5k with standard bar package?  If you have too few guests, upgrade to premium bar and add extra desserts!  

I wanted to add too, on the subject of minimums... one of my friends got married a few years ago. Venue had a minimum for her buffet dinner. RSVPs came in 12 under the minimum. Rather than send B-list invites, she just told the venue there were 12 more kids coming than actually were (kids' meals were half price). They don't actually count heads at your reception, they just need a guaranteed volume of food to make. Easy peasy. 

Moar cake is always an option too though.

The actually do count heads.   They make sure the numbers do not go higher than what was guaranteed and in some cases for fire code reasons.

They however do not care if your numbers are under the guaranteed amount.