Wedding Etiquette Forum

What are your etiquette deal breakers?

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Re: What are your etiquette deal breakers?

  • If it is a good friend or family member there isn't an etiquette faux pas that would keep me from the wedding. There are things we might do at my wedding that others would not do at their wedding but I hope that they would still celebrate with us. If you do decide to attend a wedding don't walk out in the middle of it. That is just as rude as their etiquette faux pas. Gift giving is just that, giving. It shouldn't be conditional on you having a good time or enough to eat. 

  • cmb08cmb08 member
    25 Love Its 10 Comments Name Dropper
    So I have a serious question... Should I invite my MOH's boyfriend to my wedding? They've only been together for about a month, and knowing her track record they'll probably break up by the time the wedding takes place. I'm sending out invitations in the next two to three weeks and my wedding is in August. I just don't want to make it awkward, but I don't want her to feel like I don't take their relationship seriously. I don't want to just give her an open ended +1 because I'm not doing it for anyone else.
  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited April 2014
    So I have a serious question... Should I invite my MOH's boyfriend to my wedding? They've only been together for about a month, and knowing her track record they'll probably break up by the time the wedding takes place. I'm sending out invitations in the next two to three weeks and my wedding is in August. I just don't want to make it awkward, but I don't want her to feel like I don't take their relationship seriously. I don't want to just give her an open ended +1 because I'm not doing it for anyone else.
    This goes against most people's thoughts, but in this case, given track record I would invite her  with a "and guest" or just slip a note saying she is welcome to bring her new boyfriends.  I would leave it open that if it doesn't workout she can bring someone else if she wants.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • @claire0820

    Yes, you must invite your MOH's boyfriend, by name to your wedding to be polite.  Even though they've only been seeing each other a month.  If they consider themselves a couple, they need to be invited together.  If they break up, he shouldn't expect to still come since he was invited as MOH's boyfriend.  If they break up, she doesn't get an open ended plus one because you invited her with her boyfriend, not "and guest" which would mean she could choose anyone. 

    Why are you sending August wedding invites in two to three weeks?
  • So I have a serious question... Should I invite my MOH's boyfriend to my wedding? They've only been together for about a month, and knowing her track record they'll probably break up by the time the wedding takes place. I'm sending out invitations in the next two to three weeks and my wedding is in August.

    I just don't want to make it awkward, but I don't want her to feel like I don't take their relationship seriously. I don't want to just give her an open ended +1 because I'm not doing it for anyone else.

    Yes. If they're together at the moment the invites go into the mailbox, he should be invited by name on the envelope. If they break up, he doesn't get to come anymore but you'll cover your ass and show your MOH "if someone is special to you, they're special to me."

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  • APDSS22 said:
    @claire0820

    Yes, you must invite your MOH's boyfriend, by name to your wedding to be polite.  Even though they've only been seeing each other a month.  If they consider themselves a couple, they need to be invited together.  If they break up, he shouldn't expect to still come since he was invited as MOH's boyfriend.  If they break up, she doesn't get an open ended plus one because you invited her with her boyfriend, not "and guest" which would mean she could choose anyone. 

    Why are you sending August wedding invites in two to three weeks?
    Umm... this.  Even if the wedding is august 1st, your invitations should go out beginning of June.  

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  • cmb08cmb08 member
    25 Love Its 10 Comments Name Dropper
    monkeysip said:
    APDSS22 said:
    @claire0820

    Yes, you must invite your MOH's boyfriend, by name to your wedding to be polite.  Even though they've only been seeing each other a month.  If they consider themselves a couple, they need to be invited together.  If they break up, he shouldn't expect to still come since he was invited as MOH's boyfriend.  If they break up, she doesn't get an open ended plus one because you invited her with her boyfriend, not "and guest" which would mean she could choose anyone. 

    Why are you sending August wedding invites in two to three weeks?
    Umm... this.  Even if the wedding is august 1st, your invitations should go out beginning of June.  
    Are you trying to say I'm sending them out too soon? I'm asking for RSVPs by July 15, and general practice is to give people about 2 months to respond... So mid May-June-July=2 months.
  • monkeysip said:
    APDSS22 said:
    @claire0820

    Yes, you must invite your MOH's boyfriend, by name to your wedding to be polite.  Even though they've only been seeing each other a month.  If they consider themselves a couple, they need to be invited together.  If they break up, he shouldn't expect to still come since he was invited as MOH's boyfriend.  If they break up, she doesn't get an open ended plus one because you invited her with her boyfriend, not "and guest" which would mean she could choose anyone. 

    Why are you sending August wedding invites in two to three weeks?
    Umm... this.  Even if the wedding is august 1st, your invitations should go out beginning of June.  
    Are you trying to say I'm sending them out too soon? I'm asking for RSVPs by July 15, and general practice is to give people about 2 months to respond... So mid May-June-July=2 months.
    Typically, wedding invites are sent out at 6-8 weeks from the wedding date.  Sending them out too early means people will lose the response cards, won't have their work schedules and won't be able to commit one way or the other to the RSVP.
  • By BF do you mean someone who you are in a deeply committed relationship with whom the bride and groom know you are with or just whomever you happen to be dating at the time? I ask for clarity not to like disparage your character or anything. It is good to know when planning a wedding. :)
  • MeowMix92 said:

    By BF do you mean someone who you are in a deeply committed relationship with whom the bride and groom know you are with or just whomever you happen to be dating at the time? I ask for clarity not to like disparage your character or anything. It is good to know when planning a wedding. :)

    I goofed and didnt quote the person I was speaking to. :/
    I promise not to post on my phone anymore if someone can tell me how to delete my comment. Speaking of bad etiquette. .. so embarrassed.

  • LDay2014 said:
    So, I'm starting to think that some view etiquette a bit like colour blindness.  If you are red/green colour blind, you can't distinguish red from green right? But hey, doesn't really bother you (besides the fact you can't be a pilot) because it's all you've ever known.  Doesn't mean the reds are any less red or the greens are any less green.

    Think of that like etiquette...Just because something is common in your circle of fiends or you're personally not offended by it doesn't make it proper etiquette.  

    Etiquette is etiquette, it's a code of conduct created to help hosts properly take care of their guests...it's not really debatable.  It is what it is.  Just because you are etiquette blind doesn't mean you're right.

    Does that make sense?
    Yes. Yes. Yes. X1000. 

  • MeowMix92 said: By BF do you mean someone who you are in a deeply committed relationship with whom the bride and groom know you are with or just whomever you happen to be dating at the time? I ask for clarity not to like disparage your character or anything. It is good to know when planning a wedding. :) BF/GF/SO = one-half of a publicly proclaimed couple. Whether they have been dating for 12 minutes, 12 hours, 12 months, or 12 years, if they publicly identify as a couple, they must be invited together as a social unit.
    Anniversary

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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • cmb08cmb08 member
    25 Love Its 10 Comments Name Dropper
    I think it's a little different if you didn't send save the dates first. Also, my wedding is in Alaska because I live here, and most of the people I'm inviting are on the east coast, where I'm from. So I'm factoring in additional time for them to plan. The caterer needs an estimate at least 4 weeks in advance (hence the RSVP by July 15). Once I put the invites in the mail they'll take at least a week to get all the way across the country. So people will be getting them by the beginning of June. This is the only good way for me to do it. My planner agrees with me on this one... And I trust her :)
  • I think it's a little different if you didn't send save the dates first. Also, my wedding is in Alaska because I live here, and most of the people I'm inviting are on the east coast, where I'm from. So I'm factoring in additional time for them to plan. The caterer needs an estimate at least 4 weeks in advance (hence the RSVP by July 15). Once I put the invites in the mail they'll take at least a week to get all the way across the country. So people will be getting them by the beginning of June. This is the only good way for me to do it. My planner agrees with me on this one... And I trust her :)
    You could have called/e-mailed/FB messaged/etc. people to warn them of the date well in advance for them to make travel plans. That would have given them the additional time to plan.

    I have no idea why your caterer needs a headcount four weeks in advance, unless this is a geography thing (@lyndausvi, didn't you have a story about your DH and needing food in advance because of living in the islands?)

    This is not the only good way for you to have done it, and it's more inconvenient to your guests -- why would you have not sent STDates to people for whom your wedding requires significant travel? I'm genuinely curious why you wouldn't have given them some kind of notice about this, if you want them to travel to Alaska.

    I'm glad you trust your planner, but asking people to RSVP that early is asking them to forget/not know about their plans. 
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • In @claire0802's defense, some caterers/venues do need numbers that early. My venue is all inclusive and needs the final head count 30 days before my wedding. So my invites need to go out pretty early as well.
  • cmb08cmb08 member
    25 Love Its 10 Comments Name Dropper
    Yeah, 4 weeks is pretty normal, I think... And I am having a pretty small wedding - family and close friends. So all the people I'm inviting have been told about it already and knew we were engaged pretty much as soon as it happened. I'm sending the invites earlier, again, mainly as a courtesy to them so that they know the venue and have plenty of time to work out travel, etc. Thanks for the great advice on inviting MOH's boyfriend, everyone! Much appreciated :)
  • Yeah, 4 weeks is pretty normal, I think... And I am having a pretty small wedding - family and close friends. So all the people I'm inviting have been told about it already and knew we were engaged pretty much as soon as it happened. I'm sending the invites earlier, again, mainly as a courtesy to them so that they know the venue and have plenty of time to work out travel, etc. Thanks for the great advice on inviting MOH's boyfriend, everyone! Much appreciated :)
    It's not normal, it's quite early.  There is no good reason for a caterer to need know your exact count that close in because food does not keep that long and stay fresh.  2 weeks is about normal.  The point of save the dates are exactly your situation.  It gives people your date and general information earlier than it's polite to send invites so they can make travel plans.  Since that is a moot point for you at this point, you can either call everyone early to give them the info or send your invites absurdly early as you plan and risk them losing the response card, not knowing their schedule, etc.
  • We have lots of OOTers, skipped STDs, and still are waiting to send out invites and made the rsvp dates 2 weeks beforehand. Everybody knows when and where the wedding is anyway and the invitation is really just a formality. It doesn't really make any sense to send them out super early no matter what since plans can change. While some caterers do expect an early head count, surely they realize that plans can change and that head count is going to look a little different 4 weeks vs 4 days out.
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  • APDSS22 said:



    Yeah, 4 weeks is pretty normal, I think... And I am having a pretty small wedding - family and close friends. So all the people I'm inviting have been told about it already and knew we were engaged pretty much as soon as it happened. I'm sending the invites earlier, again, mainly as a courtesy to them so that they know the venue and have plenty of time to work out travel, etc.

    Thanks for the great advice on inviting MOH's boyfriend, everyone! Much appreciated :)

    It's not normal, it's quite early.  There is no good reason for a caterer to need know your exact count that close in because food does not keep that long and stay fresh.  2 weeks is about normal.  The point of save the dates are exactly your situation.  It gives people your date and general information earlier than it's polite to send invites so they can make travel plans.  Since that is a moot point for you at this point, you can either call everyone early to give them the info or send your invites absurdly early as you plan and risk them losing the response card, not knowing their schedule, etc.


    Worst case she has a lot of phone calls to make asking people if they can make it. It's not the end of the world, or close to the biggest faux pas on this thread.

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  • Yeah, 4 weeks is pretty normal, I think... And I am having a pretty small wedding - family and close friends. So all the people I'm inviting have been told about it already and knew we were engaged pretty much as soon as it happened. I'm sending the invites earlier, again, mainly as a courtesy to them so that they know the venue and have plenty of time to work out travel, etc. Thanks for the great advice on inviting MOH's boyfriend, everyone! Much appreciated :)
    It's not normal, it's quite early.  There is no good reason for a caterer to need know your exact count that close in because food does not keep that long and stay fresh.  2 weeks is about normal.  The point of save the dates are exactly your situation.  It gives people your date and general information earlier than it's polite to send invites so they can make travel plans.  Since that is a moot point for you at this point, you can either call everyone early to give them the info or send your invites absurdly early as you plan and risk them losing the response card, not knowing their schedule, etc.
    Worst case she has a lot of phone calls to make asking people if they can make it. It's not the end of the world, or close to the biggest faux pas on this thread.
    This bolded is certainly true.
  • I think it's a little different if you didn't send save the dates first. Also, my wedding is in Alaska because I live here, and most of the people I'm inviting are on the east coast, where I'm from. So I'm factoring in additional time for them to plan. The caterer needs an estimate at least 4 weeks in advance (hence the RSVP by July 15). Once I put the invites in the mail they'll take at least a week to get all the way across the country. So people will be getting them by the beginning of June. This is the only good way for me to do it. My planner agrees with me on this one... And I trust her :)
    You could have called/e-mailed/FB messaged/etc. people to warn them of the date well in advance for them to make travel plans. That would have given them the additional time to plan.

    I have no idea why your caterer needs a headcount four weeks in advance, unless this is a geography thing (@lyndausvi, didn't you have a story about your DH and needing food in advance because of living in the islands?)

    This is not the only good way for you to have done it, and it's more inconvenient to your guests -- why would you have not sent STDates to people for whom your wedding requires significant travel? I'm genuinely curious why you wouldn't have given them some kind of notice about this, if you want them to travel to Alaska.

    I'm glad you trust your planner, but asking people to RSVP that early is asking them to forget/not know about their plans. 
    Your memory is sometimes scary.

    Yes, my DH has worked in 2 different islands. Everything needs to be flown or shipped in. During height of season sometimes his stuff would be kicked off the flight due to too many bags from tourist.   Sometime the ships would be delayed due to weather or even a holiday (holidays = no off loading of  a ship.   

    Soft numbers were due 14 days out so he had a decent idea of how much to expect.   Hard numbers were due 72 hours out.   Now he designs his banquet menus so he can cross utilize products.   So if he had extra the food would be used up or proteins could be frozen for later use. These were corporate standards worldwide.

    Yeah. I give major side-eye to any vendor who requires a month or more out on numbers.  I have a tough time believing they order their food that far out.  A week even 14 days out.  I can see.   30 days?  No.  That is crazy.

    To be honest it's a way for the venue to make more money.  They know more than likely numbers will decrease.  Most weddings (or any event)  have a few people who have to cancel or no show.  The farther out, the more likely that will happen.  Hey, stuff happens.    Once you give the numbers you are locked into paying that much.  Funny, most times you can to add numbers (at a cost of course),  but they rarely let you decrease take the numbers as far as billing goes.  

    My own venue asked for the numbers 4 days out.  2 weeks I gave them soft numbers. Basically  letting them know how many yeses we had and how many were left to hear from..   






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • Nope.  tl;dr lol
  • Elaine727 said:
    My thinking on cash bars is this: it's ok to have cash bar for alcohol, since not everyone in attendance will be drinking alcohol (ie, it's optional).  Obviously that doesn't apply to chairs, table space, a serving of each food, because every single guest will be partaking in sitting at a table and eating.  It's a good idea to have some type of non-alcoholic beverage that doesn't require payment to a cash bar, but I don't think it's poor etiquette to have a cash bar when open bars are so expensive.  Personally, I would rather attend a friend's wedding and have to pay for a drink (or not drink) than to simply not be invited at all.
    Elaine727 did you read my post about cash bars? Do you want to alienate those who can't afford the luxury item you offer to the richer of your guests?

    Nope.  tl; dr lol
  • I think it's a little different if you didn't send save the dates first. Also, my wedding is in Alaska because I live here, and most of the people I'm inviting are on the east coast, where I'm from. So I'm factoring in additional time for them to plan. The caterer needs an estimate at least 4 weeks in advance (hence the RSVP by July 15). Once I put the invites in the mail they'll take at least a week to get all the way across the country. So people will be getting them by the beginning of June. This is the only good way for me to do it. My planner agrees with me on this one... And I trust her :)
    You don't need final numbers in order to give your caterer an estimate by 4 weeks in advance.  When does your caterer need the final headcount?  Your RSVP date should be about a week before that date.



  • weashleyi said:
    Thank you CrazyCatLady3.  That's really helpful; it's one less thing for me to freak out about anyway.

    I also just wanted to comment (although it might just get buried) that I appreciate this thread.  While I don't agree with all of it, I'm here because this is not the sort of thing I think about regularly.  I'm glad there are people here that do so they can help people like me treat my loved ones well.

    Due to this thread, I am also talking to my alcohol caterer about hosting with cheaper drinks (beer, wine).  I disregarded hosting at first because I had no idea it was a big deal, and it added about 10% to my wedding cost versus doing a 2 voucher cash bar.  I will at least attempt to be more respectful in this way since I had no problem paying many dollars on the venue wanted and my own dress.  It was sobering to read (the first half of) this thread; I'm having a DW, and thus my guests are taking off work, traveling ~8-10 hours driving, and paying for their own hotel rooms.  They deserve to relax and have a good time from the time they set foot at my wedding to the time they leave.

    Thank you for the advice everyone.  I am sad that the thread deteriorated into arguing whether etiquette matters rather than what it actually is.  It's up to you if you want to follow or ignore etiquette.  It is not up to you to decide what proper etiquette is.

    Good on ya!!!!!!!!!!!


    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • (Asks for opinion on special circumstance*

    *Circumstance is not actually special at all)

    "Omg you guys are so mean why are you giving me your opinions I don't care"

    (Continues to read and respond getting more and more upset that GASP someone disagrees with them, showing they care a LOT)

    "Well my guests love me so they won't mind X"

    (Fails to realize that if they really cared about the comfort of their guests, X wouldn't be a plan)

    "You are all old hags/ your FI's are unlucky/I don't care what you think (And I don't care so much I am worked up and now launching a personal attack)"


    Since cutting corners seems to be a theme for a lot of the newbies, I've created a nice little template for your irritating whining  thoughtful responses so that you can just fill in the blanks, as pretty much all of your arguments go the exact same way.

    But in all seriousness, opinions vary, you should be grown up enough to deal with that, and really the only completely agreed on deal breakers that REALLY offend us is 

    A. No invite for SO- Think about it this way.  You want us to celebrate your love and support your relationship.  Well treat others the way you want to be treated, support our relationships with an invite.  Being invited without the SO comes across as you saying the relationship isn't serious enough to warrant an invite- and no mater how CERTAIN you are that is true, it is an offensive thing to say and hurts feelings.  

    B. Not enough chairs- We just want a place to sit!!!  It is not that hard, why are you putting up such a fight over that?  Are your guests not important enough for chairs?

    C. Not enough food- Dude, if you can't feed 200 people, don't invite 200 people.  Expecting food and not getting any means we will be uncomfortable- do YOU like sitting around with an empty stomach?  We just want food (Depending on the time of day "Enough" food changes.)  And again, are your guests really not important enough to be fed?

    D. NO hosted beverages- Not everyone brings cash to a wedding, as when an event is properly hosted, they don't NEED to.  At least let me have some soda!  (And FYI serving alcohol at all is entirely optional.  You don't NEED it.)

    Anything else is on the list of "It bothers me, but I'll deal with it"  and frankly, if YOU really cared about your guest list, you would want to know what is going to bother your guests, so that you can avoid it.  Would you really be ok with making the ones you care about uncomfortable?  
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  • Elaine727 said:
    Elaine727 said:
    My thinking on cash bars is this: it's ok to have cash bar for alcohol, since not everyone in attendance will be drinking alcohol (ie, it's optional).  Obviously that doesn't apply to chairs, table space, a serving of each food, because every single guest will be partaking in sitting at a table and eating.  It's a good idea to have some type of non-alcoholic beverage that doesn't require payment to a cash bar, but I don't think it's poor etiquette to have a cash bar when open bars are so expensive.  Personally, I would rather attend a friend's wedding and have to pay for a drink (or not drink) than to simply not be invited at all.
    Elaine727 did you read my post about cash bars? Do you want to alienate those who can't afford the luxury item you offer to the richer of your guests?

    Nope.  tl; dr lol
    Elaine727
    Here is the middle paragraph and most important:
    We drove to the wedding with 20 dollars in our bank account. Granted we had more in our savings, but we don't touch that money.  We got there early and realized we should have brought the gift, when the MOB scolded us. We were young and didn't know better. We were just proud of being able to afford a gift and we handmade the card.  It was hot and outdoor wedding with an indoor reception. While waiting for the wedding to start we went to get a soda and they tried to charge us and at that moment we knew we would watch many of our HS friends drink that night and we would not be able to have a drink, except water. I could see the disappointment on FIs face, who never thought twice about cash bars until we were the odd guests that couldn't justify spending our last 20 dollars on maybe 3 drinks. 

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