What are your etiquette deal breakers?

a13049

I'm pretty laid back and try not to jugde my friends and family for making most ettiquette mistakes.  I have yet to have been to a wedding that hasn't broken some sort of ettiquette issue.  My only deal breakers is not inviting FI.  I don't want to go to social event without him.  Not an ettiquette issues, but I most likely wouldn't go to a wedding where DD wasn't invited.  I wouldn't judge you for wanting an adults only event, but I would choose not to go.  Also, B listing me or Tiered weddings.  I find this insulting. 

Things that I might roll my eyes at, but wouldn't be deal breakers... honeyfunds, cash bars (I wouldn't drink though, and I wouldn't stay as long.) Not enough chairs, and no meals during dinner (again I would leave early, so i could feed myself).  Being seperated from FI because one of us is in the wedding party (head table) Gaps

Other ettiquette issues, I will avoid during my wedding but I could give two shits about.

PPD- I just don't care, host me properly and I will have a good times

Dollar Dance- I have never been to a wedding that didn't have one.

Dress codes

Facebook invites

lyndausvi

I think only excluding my husband would be an automatic decline (has never happened to us)

The rest of the stuff bothers me and rest a assure I would complain about, but it would not be an automatic decline.

I think it might be easy for me to say that because quite frankly my social group doesn't do most of the stuff people complain about on here.    We have enough food to be considered a meal regardless of the time of day, we have open or limited menu bars (cash bars are completely unheard of), we are not really gap people (although SIL has a gap at her upcoming wedding), not really dollar dance people.  My family and friends are not wealthiest people, but they know how to host guests.   Even if that means forgoing a beautiful venue for a back yard wedding so they can afford to host properly.

Now I might use some stuff as consideration on attending, but not a flat out automatic decline.   I.E.   co-worker having an OOT wedding on a Thursday with a gap and a cash bar?   Mostly likely going to decline.  Close family having an OOT wedding on a Thursday with a gap, I'm more than likely going to attend.   (Cash bars so so taboo I can't even imagine family even considering it as an option.) 

I've flown to 2 reception only weddings.   I've flown half-way across the world for married couple's Catholic wedding.  And the 2 gap weddings were OOT for me also. Clearly things don't automatically render a decline.

  When I get an invite I check who the wedding is for, the date, then location and look at work schedules.  If it's OOT I also check out travel expenses. Etiquette is pretty far down on the list on considerations for me. 

clcountry

a13049 said:

 I have yet to have been to a wedding that hasn't broken some sort of etiquette issue. 

I think this is a good point. I'm pretty sure that's true for me, too, which is why I try to keep my list of deal breakers small. I think, at least with some of the things that are mentioned, people just don't know because they always seen it done a certain way, or it's like that in all the wedding movies, or the wedding industry gets to them before Miss Manners does. 

For example, as I said in my OP, I put formal attire on our invitations. When I initially designed our invitations, I didn't know this was incorrect. By the time I ordered them, I did, but I thought it was okay since the dress code was dictated by the venue, not us. What I didn't realize until after they were sent out (because a thread about it showed up on The Knot) was that, rather than put Formal Attire" on the invitations, I should have included an insert that spelled out the specifics of the venue's dress code. 

Lesson learned--I'll never do it again, and like I said, it makes me cringe horribly in retrospect. 

NYCBruin

Things that would make me not attend the wedding:

-No invitation for FI

Things that would make me leave early:

-Cash bar

-Not enough food

-Not enough chairs

-Long/lots of toasts, speeches, or any sort of game/slideshow/other type of "look at how amazing we are" display

Things that I would side eye the shit out of but probably would stay for the entertainment value:

-Cash asks in any form

-B-listing

-Tiered reception

-Any "dress code" aside from black tie

Things I would be super pissed about but wouldn't know about in advance:

-PPD

-No thank you

I leave the room for garter/bouquet tosses and any nonsense that follows.

I've never encountered a honeymoon registry, but if I did I would definitely give a boxed gift (even though I usually give cash).

I don't mind gaps.  I get that they are rude but they just don't annoy me and I've never had a problem entertaining myself and usually am excited to spend the time catching up with friends or family.

sofakingmad

The only weddings I have declined based on etiquette faux pas were ones where my SO was not invited and one in specific that was a DW where we were expected to pay for our meal (yes, I would love to pay thousands of dollars to attend your wedding and then pay for our dinner.....WTF?)

NYCBruin

DragonBlood13 said:

The only weddings I have declined based on etiquette faux pas were ones where my SO was not invited and one in specific that was a DW where we were expected to pay for our meal (yes, I would love to pay thousands of dollars to attend your wedding and then pay for our dinner.....WTF?)

Who does that?!?!

larrygaga

ladyamanuet said:

larrygaga said:

Every wedding I've been to had a dollar dance. I find them distasteful, but I always go up to dance with whichever piece of the couple I know. I don't want one at all.

Cash bars are totally not a big deal imo. I also won't have one, but I really don't mind. There are much bigger violations.

RUNNING OUT OF FOOD WILL MAKE ME WALK THE F OUT WITH MY GIFT.

This honestly happened a few weeks ago, I hadn't put my cash gift in the card box yet, so we left with it to go buy dinner. 

I also walked out of a wedding for not letting anyone dance. We had to sit and watch the couple play jeopardy for 3 hours so when the bar closed we were out. We were rude and talked the entire way through the games.

Not inviting my FI or vice versa. 

2 hour mass unless I am REALLY close to the couple. I can't sit for that long. 

I'm sorry, what? My brain cannot compute....

Here, I wrote an entire thing about the shitshow

http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/1017876/i-went-to-a-pretty-bad-wedding-this-weekend/p1

sofakingmad

NYCBruin said:

DragonBlood13 said:

The only weddings I have declined based on etiquette faux pas were ones where my SO was not invited and one in specific that was a DW where we were expected to pay for our meal (yes, I would love to pay thousands of dollars to attend your wedding and then pay for our dinner.....WTF?)

Who does that?!?!

I almost didn't catch it.  It was my XH's friends and one would assume that especially with a DW at a meal time that dinner would be provided.  Then I actually read the invitation and it was an evening wedding with a cake and punch reception to follow.  XH called them to ask them about details and the bride was like "after the cake and punch, we'll all go to dinner and it shouldn't cost you that much for dinner."  

I told XH that I understood if he wanted to go, but there was no way in hell that I was going to spend that kind of money and time.

Jen4948

Cash bars
Having to pay for parking
B-listing
PPDs
Gaps
Potluck receptions
Tiered receptions
Money dances
Out-of-control children
Cake smashing
Being invited without my BF
Not enough food/drinks
Being treated like an unpaid slave
Being treated like a captive audience
Being totally ignored by couple/hosts
No thank you
Religious bigotry

Couggal12

TBH, I think the only thing that would truly make me RSVP no is if FI wasn't invited. That's just straight up rude. Also, I'd probably say no to a gap longer than 2 hours if it was OOT. Don't waste my time when I am paying a lot to come to your wedding.

Everything else like cash bars, dollar dances, honeymoon registries, etc. I will side eye the hell out of you but, I wouldn't walk out and leave. Maybe I'm just too easy going.

climbingsingle

I would have left this wedding if it wasn't my cousin's and I hadn't been a bridesmaid. Cash bar and they ran out of food. I got one tiny piece of chicken and that's it. 

I wouldn't attend a wedding if: 

my FI wasn't invited. 

there was a gap 

the ceremony and reception site are far away from each other 

thesummersky

Ah, I guess I didn't answer the actual question as far as what would be a deal-breaker for me. If I knew in advance that I'd have to pay to enjoy the reception, FI wasn't invited, or OOT and gap is more than an hour, those would probably be dealbreakers

sofakingmad

Jen4948 said:

Cash bars
Having to pay for parking
B-listing
PPDs
Gaps
Potluck receptions
Tiered receptions
Money dances
Out-of-control children
Cake smashing
Being invited without my BF
Not enough food/drinks
Being treated like an unpaid slave
Being treated like a captive audience
Being totally ignored by couple/hosts
No thank you
Religious bigotry

The bolded are not really etiquette issues.

And you are that offended by cake smashing?  Really?

a13049

DragonBlood13 said:

Jen4948 said:

Cash bars
Having to pay for parking
B-listing
PPDs
Gaps
Potluck receptions
Tiered receptions
Money dances
Out-of-control children
Cake smashing
Being invited without my BF
Not enough food/drinks
Being treated like an unpaid slave
Being treated like a captive audience
Being totally ignored by couple/hosts
No thank you
Religious bigotry

The bolded are not really etiquette issues.

And you are that offended by cake smashing?  Really?

--------------------------------- box not working

Agree, these aren't ettiquette issues, I also don't get the issue with bouquet/garter toss.
What would constitute religious bigotry?

The other one mentioned by a pp is the "2 hour catholic mass". A full mass isn't an etiquette issue. Yes, thy can be long but I can still be reapectful of the bride and grooms religious belief

lyndausvi

ladyamanuet said:

larrygaga said:

Every wedding I've been to had a dollar dance. I find them distasteful, but I always go up to dance with whichever piece of the couple I know. I don't want one at all.

Cash bars are totally not a big deal imo. I also won't have one, but I really don't mind. There are much bigger violations.

RUNNING OUT OF FOOD WILL MAKE ME WALK THE F OUT WITH MY GIFT.

This honestly happened a few weeks ago, I hadn't put my cash gift in the card box yet, so we left with it to go buy dinner. 

I also walked out of a wedding for not letting anyone dance. We had to sit and watch the couple play jeopardy for 3 hours so when the bar closed we were out. We were rude and talked the entire way through the games.

Not inviting my FI or vice versa. 

2 hour mass unless I am REALLY close to the couple. I can't sit for that long. 

I'm sorry, what? My brain cannot compute....

Sorry, that is not an etiquette issues.

And Jeopardy for 3 hours?  What, ugh?  How did that even work?

RebeccaB88

Eh, I see out of control children as an etiquette issue - on the parents of that child, not the bride and groom. It's an etiquette issue if the parents aren't don't either get the child under control, or remove him/her from the situation. They aren't treating the people around them well if they allow their child to run wild.

Cake smashing is offensive to me, yes. It's disrespectful and borderline abusive. The 'feeding' is supposed to represent taking care of each other.  Would I walk out if I saw it?  Probably not. Would it change how I viewed the couple?  You betcha. Why even do it at all? 

sofakingmad

RebeccaB88 said:

Cake smashing is offensive to me, yes. It's disrespectful and borderline abusive. The 'feeding' is supposed to represent taking care of each other.  Would I walk out if I saw it?  Probably not. Would it change how I viewed the couple?  You betcha. Why even do it at all? 

LOL.

sofakingmad

I realize that a 2 hour Catholic Mass is not an etiquette issue, but depending on how close I am with the bride and groom, I would potentially decline.  

I'm not a religious person and most likely I would be rude and on my phone the entire time, so I feel it would be in my best interest just to decline.

jdluvr06

I think the cake smashing thing is cute.

daria24

The only things that would make me decline outright would be not inviting H, and then a potluck/or having to pay for my own food. If there is an outrageous dress code (like everyone wear medieval themed costumes) I would probably decline. "Beachy formal", "please wear blue or green" etc I would most likely ignore and wear whatever I wanted. 

The only reasons I would leave early (other than things like having to work early the next morning, etc) would be if there wasn't enough food, or when the music is so loud I have a headache. 

kitty8403

I'll privately side-eye a lot of the things PPs mentioned, but it takes a lot to make me angry enough to walk out or decline (assuming it isnt an unreasonable travel expense and I have no work conflicts). PPDs, potlucks, gaps, dollar dances, honey funds, etc., IMO, don't qualify in and of themselves, but that's a personal position.

1. Not inviting my SO, or inviting him and not me. This is still possibly forgivable, provided you rectify the mistake ASAP.

2. I have quietly left a sh@tstorm of a PPD early, because the bride and most other guests were indulging in illegal drugs and the groom's mother was getting in my face about it.

a13049

jdluvr06 said:

I think the cake smashing thing is cute.

Me too, it can be done in a playful manner. Calling it abuse is overdramatic.

I agree that children acting crazy isn't an etiquette issue in the bride and grooms part and it fed wouldn't make me decline an invitation.

CamiSelene

Absolute deal-breakers for me:

•  Inviting me without FI
•  B-listing or tiered wedding (I was once invited to a wedding of a friend's with a gap that said ceremony and dance. I thought maybe they are just doing a private family dinner, whatever. Nope! They had a full meal for SOME guests, not all. My bf at the time and I just didn't make the cut, I guess... I was pissed. Took the wedding present back. That was my raging bitch moment for a wedding.)
• Being lied to about what's happening. I will not attend a PPD, there are very few scenarios that would actually change my mind about that
• Giving me a dress code. I am a grown woman, I should hope I can dress myself appropriately and no, I will not go and try to find a dress in your "colors" as a guest so everything can be cookie-cutter matchy-matchy because pinterest told you it would make for cute photos. (Okay, I would understand if it was an actualy "black-tie" thing but those never happen in my area)

Things that would irritate me/I would side-eye:

• Paying for non-alcoholic drinks.... Again, I'm okay with cash bars (since liquor - in my part of Canada, at least - is insanely expensive and seeing an open bar here would be like seeing a unicorn flying over a rainbow. lol) but if you do not plan to drink, you should not have to pay.
• Honeymoon registry, gift registry info or cash requests included in invites: that just comes off as gift-grabby to me. If I want to know, I'll ask.
• No thank-yous: Like @HisGirlFriday13, I will gripe to FI and Momma CamiSelene about how uncivilized people can be and you will not be receiving another present from me again.
• A dollar dance. Thank god I have yet to see these. I probably leave early.
• Any kind of "cutesy" games or trivia things to get the couple to kiss at the reception. Nobody wants to answer stupid trivia to get the couple to kiss. I'm not a big PDA person in the first place but I'd rather people just do the good ol' chinging the glasses over that.
• OH, and also like HisGirl, I cannot stand when people turn their vows into jokes. Religious or not, vows are sacred and should be taken seriously. 

mollybarker11

Inkdancer said: I left the room at a wedding reception when they put the garter on the girl who caught the bouquet. It was the most embarrassing thing and I couldn't stand it.
I was the girl who caught the bouquet at a cousin's reception. The man who caught the garter did a weird "sexy" dance before putting it on me in the middle of a hooting room and it was H U M I L I A T I N G. I'll definitely be going out for some fresh air to avoid future bouquet-tosses.

Bouquet-tosses themselves can be silly/cute but garter-snatching and tossing is gross and uncomfortable to watch. I'd never heard of dollar dances until coming here but paying for dances along with tossing underwear to crowds doesn't seem wedding-appropriate haha.

Dress codes sound like Stepford-ian nonsense to me but I'd probably roll my eyes and go along with it unless it was completely different from what I'd otherwise wear.

I think my only real deal-breakers would be invitations excluding my SO and a gap during an OOT wedding.

phira

RSVPing no:

- SO not invited

- Not invited to ceremony*

Skipping ceremony or reception:

- Knowing ahead of time there's a huge gap

- Knowing ahead of time that I'd have to pay for my own food

Leave early:

- Not enough chairs at the reception

- Not enough food

- Can't eat the food (cold, gross, no options for me or SO)

Things I'd be annoyed by and just not participate in:

- Cash bar (I drink so infrequently, I often don't drink at open bars)

- Dollar dance

- Bouquet toss

- Anniversary dance**

- Honeymoon fund

- Dress codes

- Potluck reception

No thank-you note = I will not buy you gifts anymore for anything else.

I don't care about vow content. That's not an etiquette thing, and unless the vows are religious, they're (by definition) not sacred.

I went to a wedding (and will be attending another wedding) where there won't be enough chairs for everyone during the ceremony. I think that's rude, and even worse when guests don't know in advance, but it's the kind of thing where I'm not going to leave unless I physically can't stand.

* Exception: I was not invited to the ceremony for my future brother-in-law's wedding; neither was his sister-in-law (wife of his other brother). I was even told by the bride that I didn't have to come to the reception, after I asked "too many" questions (like what time the wedding was). Not attending the wedding would have been seen as unforgivable in the eyes of my partner and his family, so I went.

** Your mileage may vary on this one. I think they're in bad taste, at best, since the length of a marriage is not necessarily an indicator of a happy marriage, or even a healthy relationship. Given that my grandmother is a widow and my partner's grandfather is a recent widower, it just seems cruel. Add in the fact that my godmother is also a widow, but she was only briefly married to her partner of 15 years (same-sex marriage was illegal for the majority of their relationship), it just feels wrong.

Additionally, at a wedding I went to, a couple that had been out of the room at the start of the anniversary dance showed up halfway through and thought that it was just normal slow dancing. They started dancing, and the DJ kept harassing them to get off the floor because they hadn't been married long enough. SO AWKWARD.

ETA: I would just ignore dress codes, for the most part. I also actually would attend SOME potluck receptions, and not others. It depends on the wedding, whether I was asked or voluntold to bring something, etc.

sofakingmad

For me, it's really a matter of things that I can't ignore vs. things that I can ignore.

Honeymoon registries and dollar dances can be ignored.

Not getting invited with my SO, potlock receptions, not enough food, no seating are things that I cannot ignore and will be annoying to me.

Jen4948

DragonBlood13 said:

Jen4948 said:

Cash bars
Having to pay for parking
B-listing
PPDs
Gaps
Potluck receptions
Tiered receptions
Money dances
Out-of-control children
Cake smashing
Being invited without my BF
Not enough food/drinks
Being treated like an unpaid slave
Being treated like a captive audience
Being totally ignored by couple/hosts
No thank you
Religious bigotry

The bolded are not really etiquette issues.

And you are that offended by cake smashing?  Really?

Yes, DragonBlood, I am.  I do not owe you any justification or explanation for my feelings.

And sorry, but out-of-control children, who are running around, screaming, making messes, and not being disciplined by their parents or guardians ARE HUGE etiquette issues.

mrs4everhart

I don't have any. No one else's wedding is important enough to me to get my panties in a twist. If something is THAT rude before the wedding I can decline the invite. And if I'm not enjoying myself in general, for whatever reason day of, I'd peace out politely at the time of my choosing.

Jen4948

a13049 said:

Jen4948 said:

Cash bars
Having to pay for parking
B-listing
PPDs
Gaps
Potluck receptions
Tiered receptions
Money dances
Out-of-control children
Cake smashing
Being invited without my BF
Not enough food/drinks
Being treated like an unpaid slave
Being treated like a captive audience
Being totally ignored by couple/hosts
No thank you
Religious bigotry

The bolded are not really etiquette issues.

And you are that offended by cake smashing?  Really?

--------------------------------- box not working Agree, these aren't ettiquette issues, I also don't get the issue with bouquet/garter toss. What would constitute religious bigotry? The other one mentioned by a pp is the "2 hour catholic mass". A full mass isn't an etiquette issue. Yes, thy can be long but I can still be reapectful of the bride and grooms religious belief

Religious bigotry would be something like an issue where an officiant uses the ceremony to show disrespect for others' beliefs, or where a family member gets all pissed and refuses to attend or participate in a wedding that is not of their own religion or personal beliefs, such as in the thread where the poster's brother refuses to attend her wedding because he accused her and her FI or being "adulterers."

sofakingmad

Jen4948 said:

DragonBlood13 said:

Jen4948 said:

Cash bars
Having to pay for parking
B-listing
PPDs
Gaps
Potluck receptions
Tiered receptions
Money dances
Out-of-control children
Cake smashing
Being invited without my BF
Not enough food/drinks
Being treated like an unpaid slave
Being treated like a captive audience
Being totally ignored by couple/hosts
No thank you
Religious bigotry

The bolded are not really etiquette issues.

And you are that offended by cake smashing?  Really?

Yes, DragonBlood, I am.  I do not owe you any justification or explanation for my feelings.

And sorry, but out-of-control children, who are running around, screaming, making messes, and not being disciplined by their parents or guardians ARE HUGE etiquette issues.

Of course you do not because it's your opinion.

It's also my opinion that it's ridiculous to be offended by something that in no way affects you.