Wedding Etiquette Forum

What are your etiquette deal breakers?

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Re: What are your etiquette deal breakers?

  • theartistformerlyknownastheartistformerlyknownas peaced out. member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary
    edited May 2014

    So just a general question.. I haven't been to many weddings, and the ones I have been to generally do not have a bar. I live in Utah, I am not Mormon but I do have a lot of Mormon friends. So having said that, there will be about half of my guests that do drink and half that don't. I am providing dinner and appetizers, as I think we should, but we plan on doing one signature drink for the people that do drink and then a cash bar. I personally do not drink often and do not plan on drinking at the reception, other than the toasts. I guess in my mind, that is a good plan. I also cannot afford to pay for thousands of dollars in alcohol because we are already paying for our entire wedding. I don't have parents that can help pay for anything, and his family just won't because he's been married before- which is fine, I don't expect anyone to pay for any part of our wedding. So could I just have maybe some general opinions for this? Thank you!

    If so many of your guests don't drink, it won't cost you thousands. That's a great problem to have. Half of my guest list is recovering alcoholics. We're having an open (consumption) bar because I want my wine drinking friends to feel just as "hosted" as our Diet Coke drinking friends.

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    PrettyGirlLostSKPM
  • APDSS22APDSS22 O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A is OK member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    HisGirlFriday13- Do you feel better for being an internet bad ass to someone that is just asking a question? You're SO COOL! 


    APDSS22- THANK YOU. Yes, that makes sense. Just explaining why you feel that way helps see other's points of view. I don't presume to know how other people think. I have read through the thread and no one really points out why they feel that why or why it is deemed to be a faux pas. 

    In my opinion, I wouldn't be offended. I may view things differently than others. I guess I just look at everything from my point of view. I wouldn't want my friends or family to stress and not have the day of their dreams because they made sure to budget for alcohol. I also probably live in a complete different cultural environment than the rest. In Utah, dry weddings happen daily because most weddings are Mormon affairs. I've been to a few weddings that have had the cash bar, and happily paid for the drink I was consuming. Maybe it's just not expected in my neck of the woods as it is in other areas, and is why the "rudeness" of having a cash bar escapes me. 

    But yes, APDSS22, I do see what you're saying. Thank you, 
    There are quite a few dry weddings around my neck of the woods (OK) due to the Baptist religion being quite popular.  I have never been to one because most of my closer friends are Catholic, like me, or not very religious.  I know that other people might not be offended by a cash bar but quite a few people are.  There are a couple of stories in this thread from people who actually do drink regularly where they felt less important than other guests because they didn't have any spare cash and had to sit all night watching other guests drink. 

    As long as non-alcoholic drinks are hosted, I'm probably very capable of ignoring a cash bar myself but I am very thankful to have never been put in the position to find out.  I just don't like the idea that the reception is a thank you to your guests and people are getting comfortable with charging for things, even something like alcohol which is by no means mandatory.  It seems to be a trend that I wouldn't like to see continue to perpetuate.  Thank you for at least reading my posts and attempting to see both sides.
    cupcait927perdonami
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Biggest deal breaker is not inviting my SO, but I've never had that happen (thankfully).

    Everything else, while I would not approve, wouldn't make me flip tables. I would leave early if there wasn't enough food or not enough seats.

    Though I wonder about not enough food: What happens when you get enough people who didn't RSVP show up at the wedding? Enough that you know it'd strain how much food you had and were worried about having enough food. I'm working with a bride who is constantly fretting about this. My boss has told her not to worry and that she'll send them away if the bride wants on the wedding day so that they don't have to deal with guests who didn't have the courtesy to RSVP properly (her words). They'd rather kick people out than have to pass the strain onto guests. Bride is still unsure and asked me and I have no idea either. So what do you all think? I'm not sure where I stand and figured you all would know. Thanks!
    If you get people who don't RSVP either way you need to call them and find out whether they're coming or not, not just assume that they're not coming.  It's unlikely that she'll have enough people show up who RSVPed no that it'll be an issue.



  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    No need to be rude AddieCake. It is a simple question. If you don't like it, don't respond.

    I appreciate all of the other responses. I've never planned a wedding before, so this is all new to me. I am trying to figure out what works and what doesn't. As claire0820 mentioned, I have to take into consideration my situation. The non-alcoholic drinks will be provided by me, of course. I wouldn't ever consider having people to pay for tea or juice. So I figured a happy medium would be providing at least one drink and then the bar. I would prefer to have a bar for those that do choose to drink. I think I would rather have the option at a wedding or event, than having no option at all. 
    AddieCake was not rude to you.  Having a cash bar is rude under all circumstances.  You are not required to provide alcohol at all, even if your guests want it and don't mind paying for it.  It would be rude of them to buy their own drinks, whether or not they have to leave your event to do so.  They need to drop their expectations of drinks if you don't want to pay for them.  And if you don't want to pay for them, then don't have a cash bar.  It is totally okay to have a dry event.
    PrettyGirlLost
  • FiancBFiancB MinnesOOOta member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    To me having only a small portion of guests that drink is all the more reason to have an open bar, because it won't be very expensive. If out of your 100 guests only around 15 drink consume alcohol, great! You only have 15 guests' drinks to pay for. Do an open bar by consumption. 

    I really don't see how you need a cash bar even more in this situation. If you have a moral objection to drinking, then have a dry wedding. If you're worried about people getting trashed, raise this concern with staff and let it be known you want people cut off if visibly trashed, just like any other bar is supposed to do for liability reasons.

    If that were my case I'd love to spoil the shit out of those guests and do a completely open bar for them. However, the majority of our guests will drink quite a bit so we are doing limited to keep costs more reasonable. This is still okay.

    Having a cash bar IS having guests fund your wedding because oftentimes venues have a minimum in food/bev sales to meet, and cash bar sales usually count toward the total. So all too often people pick a venue that have a minimum that is too high for them to afford and then pass a big chunk of that cost onto their guests. Rude, rude, rude. 
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    theartistformerlyknownasPrettyGirlLostchibiyuiperdonami
  • I'm having a cash bar at my wedding.


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  • RebeccaB88RebeccaB88 Figment of Your Imagination member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    If it escapes you why a cash bar (or even partial cash bar) is rude, then apply the same idea to food, and look at how inappropriate it is.

    Cash dinner: Why should I pay for a bunch of gluttons that just want a free night out? Getting married is expensive enough. I can't afford this! (Or I don't approve of gluttony or fat or whatever the excuse is.) Plus, if people have free food they'll be unable to control themselves, and keep eating until they're sick. 

    Partial cash dinner: I'm serving appetizers, salad, rolls and pasta. If anybody wants chicken or beef, they have that option, they just have to pay for it. If that means some guests (who expected to be correctly hosted) are sitting watching other people eat steak, oh well. I'm not rude. 

    Really? 
    This should totally be a sticky. 
    LDay2014themuffinman16perdonami
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Viczaesar said:
    Biggest deal breaker is not inviting my SO, but I've never had that happen (thankfully).

    Everything else, while I would not approve, wouldn't make me flip tables. I would leave early if there wasn't enough food or not enough seats.

    Though I wonder about not enough food: What happens when you get enough people who didn't RSVP show up at the wedding? Enough that you know it'd strain how much food you had and were worried about having enough food. I'm working with a bride who is constantly fretting about this. My boss has told her not to worry and that she'll send them away if the bride wants on the wedding day so that they don't have to deal with guests who didn't have the courtesy to RSVP properly (her words). They'd rather kick people out than have to pass the strain onto guests. Bride is still unsure and asked me and I have no idea either. So what do you all think? I'm not sure where I stand and figured you all would know. Thanks!
    If you get people who don't RSVP either way you need to call them and find out whether they're coming or not, not just assume that they're not coming.  It's unlikely that she'll have enough people show up who RSVPed no that it'll be an issue.
    Personal experience talk now:

    People are under the impression that the USPS never loses mail.  Well let me tell you I had a few invites return to us the WEEK of the wedding as undeliverable.   I had 1 guest who's invite showed up AFTER the RSVP date.  I had 4 RSVP cards show up at our place the week of the wedding with a postmark date of 6 weeks earlier.

    By their logic I should have written them off as rude for not responding and kicked them out if they showed up.    Well you can't respond to something you never recieved.   In addition to that some DID respond, FOUR WEEKS before that RSVP date and it was not delivered to us on time by the post office.

    Sure there are always some chronic late RSVP'ers.   That is just life.  Do not punish others who might not have gotten the invite in the first place or you didn't get the RSVP in time from the USPS.

    If someone didn't RSVP by the date you contact them.  Phone I feel works best, but email is fine also.   Say that you noticed the we have not received their RSVP yet.  Then see how the conservation goes.  You might be surprised to hear they might not have gotten invite. 








    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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  • cmb08cmb08 member
    25 Love Its 10 Comments Name Dropper
    I'm posting one last comment and then I'm off here for good. I can't handle the entitlement of some of these people.

    Sorry guys, but the wedding is about the bride and groom. I know it's been "beaten to death" (bingo card) in this forum, and you still think that it's about the guests, but news flash: it's not. If you are a guest and you don't like that fact, fine. Don't go, the wedding will be more fun without you.

    The bride and groom put on a wedding because they want to give you the opportunity to celebrate with them. Not because they have anything to thank you for. Not because they owe you anything. You don't HAVE to sit through their ceremony. You don't HAVE to buy them a present. You don't even have to be their friend. But if you want to, you can - and if you choose to go to their wedding, you're choosing to spend the afternoon/evening/whatever hanging out with them and doing the activities they chose. They're not going to be super miffed if you opt out, so you have no right to be super miffed if they don't plan things according to your tastes.

    YOUR wedding is YOUR wedding, not your guests' wedding. The end.
    dwhereicome
  • cmb08cmb08 member
    25 Love Its 10 Comments Name Dropper
    chibiyui said:
    I'm posting one last comment and then I'm off here for good. I can't handle the entitlement of some of these people.

    Sorry guys, but the wedding is about the bride and groom. I know it's been "beaten to death" (bingo card) in this forum, and you still think that it's about the guests, but news flash: it's not. If you are a guest and you don't like that fact, fine. Don't go, the wedding will be more fun without you.

    The bride and groom put on a wedding because they want to give you the opportunity to celebrate with them. Not because they have anything to thank you for. Not because they owe you anything. You don't HAVE to sit through their ceremony. You don't HAVE to buy them a present. You don't even have to be their friend. But if you want to, you can - and if you choose to go to their wedding, you're choosing to spend the afternoon/evening/whatever hanging out with them and doing the activities they chose. They're not going to be super miffed if you opt out, so you have no right to be super miffed if they don't plan things according to your tastes.

    YOUR wedding is YOUR wedding, not your guests' wedding. The end.
    The CEREMONY is about the Bride and Groom. Or Groom and Groom. Or Bride and Bride. The RECEPTION is about the guests. @claire0820
    You keep saying this... I don't see the reasoning behind it. But whatevs, we can agree to disagree, I guess.
  • chibiyuichibiyui The Boring Part of MD member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    edited May 2014
    H


    chibiyui said:

    I'm posting one last comment and then I'm off here for good. I can't handle the entitlement of some of these people.

    Sorry guys, but the wedding is about the bride and groom. I know it's been "beaten to death" (bingo card) in this forum, and you still think that it's about the guests, but news flash: it's not. If you are a guest and you don't like that fact, fine. Don't go, the wedding will be more fun without you.

    The bride and groom put on a wedding because they want to give you the opportunity to celebrate with them. Not because they have anything to thank you for. Not because they owe you anything. You don't HAVE to sit through their ceremony. You don't HAVE to buy them a present. You don't even have to be their friend. But if you want to, you can - and if you choose to go to their wedding, you're choosing to spend the afternoon/evening/whatever hanging out with them and doing the activities they chose. They're not going to be super miffed if you opt out, so you have no right to be super miffed if they don't plan things according to your tastes.

    YOUR wedding is YOUR wedding, not your guests' wedding. The end.

    The CEREMONY is about the Bride and Groom. Or Groom and Groom. Or Bride and Bride.

    The RECEPTION is about the guests.

    @claire0820

    You keep saying this... I don't see the reasoning behind it. But whatevs, we can agree to disagree, I guess.


    The reception is to thank guests for coming/supporting you at the ceremony.
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    Anniversary
  • cmb08cmb08 member
    25 Love Its 10 Comments Name Dropper
    Sorry, couldn't resist. I know you don't like me.
  • cupcait927cupcait927 Western NY wine country member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited May 2014
    @claire0820

    you're wrong. 
  • chibiyui said:
    H
    chibiyui said:
    I'm posting one last comment and then I'm off here for good. I can't handle the entitlement of some of these people.

    Sorry guys, but the wedding is about the bride and groom. I know it's been "beaten to death" (bingo card) in this forum, and you still think that it's about the guests, but news flash: it's not. If you are a guest and you don't like that fact, fine. Don't go, the wedding will be more fun without you.

    The bride and groom put on a wedding because they want to give you the opportunity to celebrate with them. Not because they have anything to thank you for. Not because they owe you anything. You don't HAVE to sit through their ceremony. You don't HAVE to buy them a present. You don't even have to be their friend. But if you want to, you can - and if you choose to go to their wedding, you're choosing to spend the afternoon/evening/whatever hanging out with them and doing the activities they chose. They're not going to be super miffed if you opt out, so you have no right to be super miffed if they don't plan things according to your tastes.

    YOUR wedding is YOUR wedding, not your guests' wedding. The end.
    The CEREMONY is about the Bride and Groom. Or Groom and Groom. Or Bride and Bride. The RECEPTION is about the guests. @claire0820
    You keep saying this... I don't see the reasoning behind it. But whatevs, we can agree to disagree, I guess.
    The reception is to thank guests for coming/supporting you at the ceremony.

    This. The reception is a thank you to the guest for being supportive of your marriage. I don't understand how some people can be oblivious to that. I really just assume those people are spoiled.
    cupcait927PrettyGirlLostAPDSS22LDay2014
  • Sorry, couldn't resist. I know you don't like me.
    Wrong. I neither like nor dislike you. I don't know you personally, so I don't know you to like or dislike you. I just think you barged into this forum with pre-conceived ideas and notions and you refused to listen to advice or concede that we might know what we're talking about. You came here and were rude, and I don't like that behaviour.

    But, as I said elsewhere today, not liking someone's behaviour doesn't meant not liking them.
    Anniversary

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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
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  • cmb08cmb08 member
    25 Love Its 10 Comments Name Dropper

    Sorry, couldn't resist. I know you don't like me.
    Wrong. I neither like nor dislike you. I don't know you personally, so I don't know you to like or dislike you. I just think you barged into this forum with pre-conceived ideas and notions and you refused to listen to advice or concede that we might know what we're talking about. You came here and were rude, and I don't like that behaviour.

    But, as I said elsewhere today, not liking someone's behaviour doesn't meant not liking them.
    I don't have pre-conceived ideas and I don't think I was rude. If I did come across as rude at some point, I apologize. I just disagree with a lot of what has been said here, and I'm getting the feeling that a lot of you are too close-minded to listen to anyone who has differing ideas or opinions. For instance, a response like this:

    The CEREMONY is about the Bride and Groom. Or Groom and Groom. Or Bride and Bride.

    The RECEPTION is about the guests.

    Or this:

    @claire0820

    you're wrong. 

    Rather than directly addressing my comment with a thoughtful answer, people are just restating the same thing over and over without any argument as to why. That seems pretty disrespectful. If it's been said on here twenty gazillion times, why say it again? Why not just ignore the comment you disagree with if you're too grouchy/frustrated/annoyed to give a decent answer?

    Anyway, like I just said, we're going to have to agree to disagree, because I really don't see your point of view. And that's after reading through this ridiculously long board.
  • chibiyuichibiyui The Boring Part of MD member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers






    Sorry, couldn't resist. I know you don't like me.

    Wrong. I neither like nor dislike you. I don't know you personally, so I don't know you to like or dislike you. I just think you barged into this forum with pre-conceived ideas and notions and you refused to listen to advice or concede that we might know what we're talking about. You came here and were rude, and I don't like that behaviour.

    But, as I said elsewhere today, not liking someone's behaviour doesn't meant not liking them.

    I don't have pre-conceived ideas and I don't think I was rude. If I did come across as rude at some point, I apologize. I just disagree with a lot of what has been said here, and I'm getting the feeling that a lot of you are too close-minded to listen to anyone who has differing ideas or opinions. For instance, a response like this:

    The CEREMONY is about the Bride and Groom. Or Groom and Groom. Or Bride and Bride.

    The RECEPTION is about the guests.

    Or this:


    @claire0820

    you're wrong. 


    Rather than directly addressing my comment with a thoughtful answer, people are just restating the same thing over and over without any argument as to why. That seems pretty disrespectful. If it's been said on here twenty gazillion times, why say it again? Why not just ignore the comment you disagree with if you're too grouchy/frustrated/annoyed to give a decent answer?

    Anyway, like I just said, we're going to have to agree to disagree, because I really don't see your point of view. And that's after reading through this ridiculously long board.


    Because you're going about this wrong. If you throw a party, you are doing it for your guests. You don't invite people over and charge them for dinner, or for a soda or cocktail, so why would you do it at a wedding? When I have guests over, my liquor cabinet is open to them, I don't have every type available, but they are welcome to whatever I have. If you don't want to pay/provide for your guests, why are you inviting them in the first place?
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    Anniversary
    cupcait927HisGirlFriday13PrettyGirlLostohannabelle
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited May 2014
    Technical issues due to mobile knotting


    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited May 2014

    Sorry, couldn't resist. I know you don't like me.
    Wrong. I neither like nor dislike you. I don't know you personally, so I don't know you to like or dislike you. I just think you barged into this forum with pre-conceived ideas and notions and you refused to listen to advice or concede that we might know what we're talking about. You came here and were rude, and I don't like that behaviour.

    But, as I said elsewhere today, not liking someone's behaviour doesn't meant not liking them.
    I don't have pre-conceived ideas and I don't think I was rude. If I did come across as rude at some point, I apologize. I just disagree with a lot of what has been said here, and I'm getting the feeling that a lot of you are too close-minded to listen to anyone who has differing ideas or opinions. For instance, a response like this:

    The CEREMONY is about the Bride and Groom. Or Groom and Groom. Or Bride and Bride.

    The RECEPTION is about the guests.

    Or this:

    @claire0820

    you're wrong. 

    Rather than directly addressing my comment with a thoughtful answer, people are just restating the same thing over and over without any argument as to why. That seems pretty disrespectful. If it's been said on here twenty gazillion times, why say it again? Why not just ignore the comment you disagree with if you're too grouchy/frustrated/annoyed to give a decent answer?

    Anyway, like I just said, we're going to have to agree to disagree, because I really don't see your point of view. And that's after reading through this ridiculously long board.
    Claire0820 said, "I'm posting one last comment and then I'm off here for good. I can't handle the entitlement of some of these people."

    You have followed this ^^ comment with 4 additional posts.  You've said your "good-bye's".  It's poor manners to linger once you've done that.  Oops.....forgot who I was speaking to.....
    PrettyGirlLost
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