What are your etiquette deal breakers?

huskypuppy14

My shower was a couple weeks ago on a Saturday. I wrote the majority of my thank you notes on Sunday (the next day) and dropped them in the mail on Monday. My friend sent me a text and said she was super impressed with my speedy thank yous. 

The remainder I finished writing on Tuesday and sent them on Wednesday. Easy. Oh and I'm buying a house 2 weeks before my wedding, and I still had time to do that. If you have time to chat on the Knot you have time to write a thank you note.

HisGirlFriday13

I had two showers, both held on Saturdays, and in both cases all TY notes were in the mail Monday morning.

Our wedding was Sunday and our TYs were mailed the Thursday we got back from our mini-moon.

Anyone who tells me they don't have time or it takes too long or whatever other pathetic excuse just makes me roll my eyes and think, 'So you're an ungrateful, lazy, slob. Got it.'

ashleyep

I don't think there really are many deal breakers for me, other than FI not being invited. And even then, it happened to me last summer for a teammate's wedding. FI didn't really know them, and I wasn't planning to bring him even before I realized he wasn't invited. But anything else, I'd probably decline on principal.

There are lot of other things I would grumble about though. Gaps, PPDs, Dollar Dances, Honeymoon Registries, lying about the start time on your invitation, etc.

JellyBean52513

ImaMonster89 said:

I did read page 1. I read every page. And the only issue I see with what I've said is that many people seem easily offended by what they don't like. So explain it to me. Please. If it really is such an issue help me to understand it. And I like my username. My fiancé picked it. He thinks it's cute.

Ok, I'll explain it to you. The reason why many people seem to not like some of the things you've mentioned, along with many other things mentioned in this entire thread, is because they are rude.

1. It is rude not to send thank-you notes to your guests, it makes you look ungrateful and unappreciative. Writing them is also NOT stressful in the face of having just paid for a wedding. In fact, that doesn't even make sense, because thank-you notes cost next to nothing. If you're *literally* stressed out from *paying for* a wedding, then writing thank-you notes might be a good way to relieve stress, because you get to share a positive message with the people who took their time and money to give you something special for your wedding day. This past Christmas, I was broke as hell but I still made sure to go to the Dollar Tree and spend $2 on a couple boxes of cards, go to the post office and buy $10 worth of stamps, and send out not only thank yous to the people who had gotten me Christmas gifts, but also just Christmas greetings to some of my family and friends. It felt great, and I didn't feel the least bit stressed out--financially or otherwise--in doing that.

2. Tiered weddings are rude because it sends the message that some of your guests are less important than others. Imagine some of your guests arriving at the "party" portion and having to hear all about the beautiful ceremony. They won't feel "lucky that they were even invited," they will wonder what you have against them that you didn't want them at the entire whole thing. Don't blame budget as the excuse, because 1. anyone can take the time to save up for what they want, and 2. that's pretty much telling your guests that money is worth more to you than they are.

3. Cash bars are rude because that's essentially pushing part of the cost of the wedding onto the guests. If the bride and groom can't afford a full open bar, and they can't afford a happy medium of hosted wine, beer, maybe a signature cocktail, then they shouldn't have any alcohol at all. I have been to events with cash bars, and I've been to 2 dry weddings. One of the dry weddings was a very small, 25 people wedding for college friends, and the other was a 5-course meal at dinner time in Jamaica. Both were lovely, and I don't feel that I missed out on anything by not being able to have a drink. But, at the cash bar events I attended, I was annoyed that I COULD have a drink if I had brought any money with me. For this reason, cash bars are also rude because you're dangling something in front of the guests that they may not be able to enjoy because they weren't prepared to help you pay for the cost of your wedding.

4. Gaps are rude because you're leaving your guests stranded with nothing to do while you go off and take pictures. These pictures will MOST LIKELY sit in an album and collect dust except for a couple of times a year. Your guests, however, will forever remember you planning your wedding in a such a way that they had nothing to do for 2 hours and how much it sucked. Because, aside from the delicious food, that's what I remember from the Jamaica wedding: the hour-and-a-half gap that was spent sitting in our car outside the reception venue waiting for them to let us in. Oh, that along with the fact that I was roped into helping set-up/decorate the ceremony space that morning and I didn't even know what the bride's name even was (I was there as the girlfriend of the groom's nephew).

Does that clear it up? This is why these things are rude. These are real-life reactions to the circumstances you've tried to pass of as being ok. These things are NOT ok!

Edited to fix paragraphs

lyndausvi

It's a sad day when people try and justify not sending out thank you notes. 

BTW - My shower was on a Sunday.  I wrote the TY notes the next day on my flight back home.  They were sent out a day or so later.     Some of my wedding TY notes were written on the long haul flights on our HM.  The rest were done with in a week or so when we got home (which was 2.5 weeks after the wedding).

I found the thought of writing the TY notes to be way worse than the actual act of writing them.  

jdluvr06

I can't believe this thread is still going.

My FI wants to start on the thank you notes now. He is in charge of them, so he is a little overly excited to have his very own task. Lol.

TheMrsGrimm15

what is a PPD?

TheMrsGrimm15

also, what is FI??

HisGirlFriday13

FutureMrsGrimm1 said:

also, what is FI??

FI is short for fiance(e).

FutureMrsGrimm1 said:

what is a PPD?

Pretty princess day, AKA fake wedding or do-over.

lyndausvi

I just want to be post 999

VulgarGirl

Post 1,000!

HisGirlFriday13

Post 1,001 -- like the Arabian Nights!!

Also, it's slow at work.

theartistformerlyknownas

I want to know who was post 666...hope it wasn't me.

ohannabelle

lolo883 said:

I want to know who was post 666...hope it wasn't me.

I used to live in Apt. 665. That made me the next door neighbor of The Beast.

NYCBruin

ImaMonster89 said:

ImaMonster89 said:

Money dance, bridal party forced to do a silly dance routine or to pull random guests into a dance (experienced that one as an MOH. Only knew the bride and her parents, I nearly had a panic attack). As for tiered weddings: So what if you're invited to the party and not the ceremony? Think about budgets, venue capacity, and etiquette dictating that family is to be on the guest list first. The bride and groom want you to party with them and how many people actually remember the ceremony? Be happy you were invited. Cash bar? Be glad there's booze and if it ticks you off so much, don't drink. Going for a few drinks over full bar may seem a better choice, but in the end it's not up to you. And for all we as guests know, some family member may have insisted on a dollar dance or two hour ceremony or long gap and the happy couple agreed to avoid a huge scene. Be happy you were invited instead of the couples lack of etiquette or tacky choices. No one is forcing you to attend. (And can we lay off on getting thank you cards immediately? Guests have up to a year after the ceremony to give a gift. The receiver should have a little time to relax after the stress of paying for a wedding before stressing over thank you notes. Give it a month or three instead of a week or two before expecting one and if it takes more than six or seven, then get huffy.)

If you are so stressed over paying for a wedding to be able to write a thank you note you are doing something wrong.  Like really wrong.  

Heck, if you are that stressed after the wedding I think you are doing something wrong.   Sex often relieves stress.  Maybe you should be doing more that?

I take it you don't have a lot of stress in your life, but I do. And there are more important things than thank you notes.

If you're so stressed about paying for your wedding, then cut back and save money.  A wedding should not cost so much that it causes you stress.  All that's required for a wedding is two consenting adults and an officiant and/or witnesses depending on local requirements (very inexpensive).  If the optional extra stuff is stressing you out, then don't have it.  

Also, it's not stressful to write a thank you note.  It takes less than 5 minutes and a stamp, far less time, money and effort than the gift-giver spent on the gift.  It's only stressful if you let them pile up and that's your own damn fault so deal with the consequences like an adult.

thisismynickname2

If you read all 34 pages of this discussion, you had time to write all your thank you notes. :-)

If you're reading this and have outstanding notes, I hereby banish you from knotting until you're done!

wrigleyville

Thank you notes do not take that long. I did a ton of mine, during our honeymoon, while waiting for flights and sitting on the plane. The ones I finished on the way there were popped into the first mailbox I found. I'm sure some guests might have been confused by the NYC postmark, but oh well.

I'm not saying you have to do them on your way to/from your honeymoon; it was just a convenient time for me since H likes to read on flights instead of chatting. I really, really wanted to get them out of the way so I didn't have yet another project to deal with when we got home. I considered them part of wedding stuff, and I just wanted them DONE.

(Before somebody says it, H did offer to help, but his handwriting is atrocious. He got the awesome duty of sealing and stamping all of the notes.)

FiancB

I just did 9 in an hour, and that was with a lot of sleuthing for addresses, correct spelling, screwing up, trying to remember who gave me what, etc. Post wedding they will go faster since I will have addresses handy *glares at FI*

HisGirlFriday13

wrigleyville said:

Thank you notes do not take that long. I did a ton of mine, during our honeymoon, while waiting for flights and sitting on the plane. The ones I finished on the way there were popped into the first mailbox I found. I'm sure some guests might have been confused by the NYC postmark, but oh well.

I'm not saying you have to do them on your way to/from your honeymoon; it was just a convenient time for me since H likes to read on flights instead of chatting. I really, really wanted to get them out of the way so I didn't have yet another project to deal with when we got home. I considered them part of wedding stuff, and I just wanted them DONE.

(Before somebody says it, H did offer to help, but his handwriting is atrocious. He got the awesome duty of sealing and stamping all of the notes.)

Ditto. DH offered to help but his handwriting is illigible. So he got to stamp and seal the envelopes. Division of labour, y'all.

KGold80

I'm planing to write ours on the plane to and from Mexico. They will go right in the mailbox upon our return. Done! I have a couple of notes I need to get done this week due to receiving early gifts. I just need FI to get them printed, cut, and folded for me. Thank you notes are not that hard, people! If you have time to plan a wedding, you have time to write a damned thank you note!

VulgarGirl

People find thank you notes stressful? Ok, stop right now, and re-examine your life. I am the least stressed about my thank you notes. Its just sitting down and writing "Dear Person, you gave me an awesome gift. I look forward to do fun things with the awesome gift, it was great seeing you at the wedding. Love FiFi" boom the end next note. So not easy. Actually I worry about keeping them short. I tend to ramble. 

I'm not really stressing about the wedding at all. Yep, shit will probably go wrong. It usually does. But ya know, just keep swimming.

HisGirlFriday13

MagicInk said:

People find thank you notes stressful? Ok, stop right now, and re-examine your life. I am the least stressed about my thank you notes. Its just sitting down and writing "Dear Person, you gave me an awesome gift. I look forward to do fun things with the awesome gift, it was great seeing you at the wedding. Love FiFi" boom the end next note. So not easy. Actually I worry about keeping them short. I tend to ramble. 

I'm not really stressing about the wedding at all. Yep, shit will probably go wrong. It usually does. But ya know, just keep swimming.

I bought a 200-pack of notecards at Target ($14) that were 5.5 x 4.5(ish). I also tend to ramble, so that helped me stay short, because I only wanted to write on the one side.

Til you get done with

Dear Person

It was so lovely to see you at the wedding! DH and I were so glad you could join us in sharing our special day. It meant so much to have you there.' 

there's not a lot of room left for the:

'It was so generous of you to give us X. We look forward to using X when we do Y. Thank you so much!'

Love,

HisGirl and DH

VulgarGirl

HisGirlFriday13 said:

MagicInk said:

People find thank you notes stressful? Ok, stop right now, and re-examine your life. I am the least stressed about my thank you notes. Its just sitting down and writing "Dear Person, you gave me an awesome gift. I look forward to do fun things with the awesome gift, it was great seeing you at the wedding. Love FiFi" boom the end next note. So not easy. Actually I worry about keeping them short. I tend to ramble. 

I'm not really stressing about the wedding at all. Yep, shit will probably go wrong. It usually does. But ya know, just keep swimming.

I bought a 200-pack of notecards at Target ($14) that were 5.5 x 4.5(ish). I also tend to ramble, so that helped me stay short, because I only wanted to write on the one side.

Til you get done with

Dear Person

It was so lovely to see you at the wedding! DH and I were so glad you could join us in sharing our special day. It meant so much to have you there.' 

there's not a lot of room left for the:

'It was so generous of you to give us X. We look forward to using X when we do Y. Thank you so much!'

Love,

HisGirl and DH

That's what FI said, we'll just buy small cards and then we should be able to keep short and sweet. 

Kauris

I think that's one of the things I'm most looking forward to, writing thank you notes. Because it will mean that I'm married!! 

ride0rdie

I taught my daughter to write Thank you notes for her birthday gifts. She is in grade school and does not complain about it. She is more than happy to make her peers feel appreciated.

crunchymamaof2

cunexttime said:

I taught my daughter to write Thank you notes for her birthday gifts. She is in grade school and does not complain about it. She is more than happy to make her peers feel appreciated.

Yes! Our oldest is 4 and he's been taught how to say thank you and he sees that we write thank you notes. He's been too young to write them himself but we've always written them for him and his brother for birthdays and other gifts. He does draw pictures or makes art as thank yous. This year he's old enough to help out. My family isnt super etiquette minded but this one was drilled into me from an early age.

climbingsingle

There's no excuse for not sending thank you notes out right away. It doesn't even take that long. All of those people took time out of their lives to attend your wedding and then brought you a gift. You can find a few hours right after your wedding to write them and send them out. 

I attended a baby shower 4 weeks ago. Still no thank you note. The shower was not large either - maybe 25 people? I have to admit - I'm annoyed. 

JellyBean52513

You know when I learned the importance of thanking people for their gifts? When I got a phone call telling me that an uncle of mine, who'd REALLY helped me out financially when I was back in college, had passed away. His death was very sudden, but not sudden enough that I couldn't have picked up the phone or written a card to him. It made me feel SO regretful that I never expressed my gratitude to him while I had the chance to. 

Let this also serve as a reminder that LIFE IS SHORT. You never know what could happen or when. All the more reason to treat people with love and respect. And write thank you notes.

Jen4948

JellyBean52513 said:

You know when I learned the importance of thanking people for their gifts? When I got a phone call telling me that an uncle of mine, who'd REALLY helped me out financially when I was back in college, had passed away. His death was very sudden, but not sudden enough that I couldn't have picked up the phone or written a card to him. It made me feel SO regretful that I never expressed my gratitude to him while I had the chance to. 

Let this also serve as a reminder that LIFE IS SHORT. You never know what could happen or when. All the more reason to treat people with love and respect. And write thank you notes.

That is so sad.  You are 100% correct.

KGold80

I just dropped three thank you notes in the mail this morning. Two were to my FILs for birthday cash they sent me. The other was to a friend for sending me an awesome haul of Nike running tanks that she can't wear anymore. The latter probably isn't expecting a note at all since I sent her a FB message to thank her and let her know I received them...but I know she'll be thrilled to get it in the mail. Always always always err on the side of writing a thank you note as they will never be poorly received!

And if you don't take the time write them for those who were kind enough to give you a gift for your wedding, you should be ashamed of yourself! I will write a "Thank you so much for coming! It was wonderful to see you and we were so glad you could share in our special day!" note even if someone doesn't give a gift. Because it's true!