Asking a friend to be an Usher instead of a Groomsmen

southernbelle0915

The fact that you're posting this means you know these two guys are going to be hurt/feel second rate. 

And you're willing to do that for the sake of EVEN SIDES? Who honestly cares? This isn't the 80s - even sides aren't really a thing any more. And if it's going to cause hurt feelings and your FI loves all 6 of these guys, I think the choice is obvious...

Sugargirl1019

I had 7 girls and DH had 5 men. I had some of his family on my side and he had some of my family on his. Plus his best friends.

There are so many other things to stress over, please don't make this one of them!

If you want ushers, pick your ushers. But you should not be prioritizing friendships for your FI just so he sticks to your set number. Don't fight over this.

There is no right way to do this without hurting feelings.

My wedding party:

sarawifenow

cafarrie said:

For what it's worth, I know the sides don't HAVE to be even - but I think it look's really silly and I'm kind of OCD about things being symmetrical .  That's just me though, and I would never think twice if someone had a different number.  

Actually odd numbers are proven to be more pleasing to the eye.

 

We are having an even WP but that is because we have 5 BM and 5 GM that we are closest to. It just worked out that way. If FI had come to me and said "Sara, I have more/less guys I want to ask" you can bet your ass I would let him do it in a heartbeat. Those friendships are more important to me than even sides.

theycallmelinz

Just because I like sharing, we're having uneven sides. I've got 6 girls and he's got 5 guys. Wooo GIRL POWER!!

cafarrie

SaraBrideSoon said:

cafarrie said:

I don't think they would be offended to be ushers.  My DH was in the same boat.  We each had 5 people standing with us and had 2 friends that we are both very close to.  He would have felt comfortable with one of them as a groomsman and not the other, but usually when we see them, it's the four of us - so he felt strange asking one over the other.  So we asked them to be ushers since they're very close to both of us.  They were so excited!  We included them in lots of pictures and everything else the BP was involved in.  Ended up being great!

See I don't get this. It's like saying "We are going to include you in everything the BP is included in, but you are not actually in the BP. Thanks!" It just doesn't make sense to me.

We did that because we needed ushers (church wedding, fairly formal, parents requested) and we needed groomsmen.  In my mind, they ARE part of the wedding party, they just have a slightly different job.  Why wouldn't you include them in everything?

holyguacamole79

cafarrie said:

SaraBrideSoon said:

cafarrie said:

I don't think they would be offended to be ushers.  My DH was in the same boat.  We each had 5 people standing with us and had 2 friends that we are both very close to.  He would have felt comfortable with one of them as a groomsman and not the other, but usually when we see them, it's the four of us - so he felt strange asking one over the other.  So we asked them to be ushers since they're very close to both of us.  They were so excited!  We included them in lots of pictures and everything else the BP was involved in.  Ended up being great!

See I don't get this. It's like saying "We are going to include you in everything the BP is included in, but you are not actually in the BP. Thanks!" It just doesn't make sense to me.

We did that because we needed ushers (church wedding, fairly formal, parents requested) and we needed groomsmen.  In my mind, they ARE part of the wedding party, they just have a slightly different job.  Why wouldn't you include them in everything?

Did they stand by your husband during the ceremony?

cafarrie

lolo883 said:

cafarrie said:

I don't think they would be offended to be ushers.  My DH was in the same boat.  We each had 5 people standing with us and had 2 friends that we are both very close to.  He would have felt comfortable with one of them as a groomsman and not the other, but usually when we see them, it's the four of us - so he felt strange asking one over the other.  So we asked them to be ushers since they're very close to both of us.  They were so excited!  We included them in lots of pictures and everything else the BP was involved in.  Ended up being great!

I think the difference here is it was easier for you to make that split. In the OP's case, the 6 friends are all equally close or else her FI wouldn't be having such a hard time choosing between them. 

That's definitely true - just trying to explain that we also wanted equal sides so we made a choice and everyone was happy with it...I doubt anyone expects to be part of a wedding party (if they do, that's kinda sh**ty- I would be honored to be included in any way they asked me to be.  I just don't want her to feel bad for asking someone to be an usher - it's definitely still an honor!

xx802xx

Equal sides is one thing, but there are many other factors. Suits, Dresses, hair, make-up, shoes, jewelry, Bridesmaids and Groomsman gifts...ect. We'd love to have all our friends if we could. Weddings are expensive and helping out your party is sometimes either needed or a nice gesture to show them you appreciate them accepting your invite. But trying to buy X amount of party gifts or pay for X amount of hair and make-up adds up. That's why we are limiting ourselves

cafarrie

SaraBrideSoon said:

cafarrie said:

For what it's worth, I know the sides don't HAVE to be even - but I think it look's really silly and I'm kind of OCD about things being symmetrical .  That's just me though, and I would never think twice if someone had a different number.  

Actually odd numbers are proven to be more pleasing to the eye.

 

We are having an even WP but that is because we have 5 BM and 5 GM that we are closest to. It just worked out that way. If FI had come to me and said "Sara, I have more/less guys I want to ask" you can bet your ass I would let him do it in a heartbeat. Those friendships are more important to me than even sides.

That's fine, it's just not my personal preference  And just like there's nothing wrong with having uneven sides, there's nothing wrong with wanting them to be even either.  

theartistformerlyknownas

sam802 said:

Equal sides is one thing, but there are many other factors. Suits, Dresses, hair, make-up, shoes, jewelry, Bridesmaids and Groomsman gifts...ect. We'd love to have all our friends if we could. Weddings are expensive and helping out your party is sometimes either needed or a nice gesture to show them you appreciate them accepting your invite. But trying to buy X amount of party gifts or pay for X amount of hair and make-up adds up. That's why we are limiting ourselves

Well at the risk of gender-stereotyping, I imagine these two men won't be needing hair and make-up done so that's not a good reason.

You don't need to pay all or part of your WP's attire if you don't want to/can't afford it. You should decide budgets privately with each WP member before you choose attire, so there shouldn't be an issue with them being able to afford it, so that's not a good reason.

Sugargirl1019

sam802 said:

Equal sides is one thing, but there are many other factors. Suits, Dresses, hair, make-up, shoes, jewelry, Bridesmaids and Groomsman gifts...ect. We'd love to have all our friends if we could. Weddings are expensive and helping out your party is sometimes either needed or a nice gesture to show them you appreciate them accepting your invite. But trying to buy X amount of party gifts or pay for X amount of hair and make-up adds up. That's why we are limiting ourselves

I would let your FI choose and ask. If he is having a hard time, you know you have a problem.
Edit: I reread and saw that your FI IS having a hard time choosing. He really just needs to man up and have the balls to say, hey man, I would love to have you as an usher for my wedding. What do you say?

It is up to your FI to decide if this man will say "but so and so is a GM, why didn't I get to be a GM?" And really, that's super childish and I hope each man realizes being asked is an honor, GM or usher.

doeydo

sam802 said:

Equal sides is one thing, but there are many other factors. Suits, Dresses, hair, make-up, shoes, jewelry, Bridesmaids and Groomsman gifts...ect. We'd love to have all our friends if we could. Weddings are expensive and helping out your party is sometimes either needed or a nice gesture to show them you appreciate them accepting your invite. But trying to buy X amount of party gifts or pay for X amount of hair and make-up adds up. That's why we are limiting ourselves

ETA I hit Enter too fast.
OK, all you two need to pay for is GM gifts and BM gifts as well as bouquets and bouts (if you are having them).  Other than that, the attire (read: dress and suit) is up to the wedding party to buy themselves (you should ask each privately their budget and then pick out clothes within the smallest budget).  Don't force your WP members to have their hair and makeup done professionally or done a certain way (FYI, asking me to put my hair up is like asking a cat to bark, it just doesn't, unless you want a shitty looking pony tail) or force them to wear the same jewelry and shoes.  Done, saved you money and now you can treat all your friends equally.  

sarawifenow

cafarrie said:

SaraBrideSoon said:

cafarrie said:

For what it's worth, I know the sides don't HAVE to be even - but I think it look's really silly and I'm kind of OCD about things being symmetrical .  That's just me though, and I would never think twice if someone had a different number.  

Actually odd numbers are proven to be more pleasing to the eye.

 

We are having an even WP but that is because we have 5 BM and 5 GM that we are closest to. It just worked out that way. If FI had come to me and said "Sara, I have more/less guys I want to ask" you can bet your ass I would let him do it in a heartbeat. Those friendships are more important to me than even sides.

That's fine, it's just not my personal preference  And just like there's nothing wrong with having uneven sides, there's nothing wrong with wanting them to be even either.  

Agreed.

sarawifenow

OP, you never answered my question. How long until your wedding? If you are in the beginning stages, I am sure you can work something into your budget. Like @lolo883 said, you are in no way required to pay for attire (except for shoes if you are requiring a certain type).

southernbelle0915

sam802 said:

Equal sides is one thing, but there are many other factors. Suits, Dresses, hair, make-up, shoes, jewelry, Bridesmaids and Groomsman gifts...ect. We'd love to have all our friends if we could. Weddings are expensive and helping out your party is sometimes either needed or a nice gesture to show them you appreciate them accepting your invite. But trying to buy X amount of party gifts or pay for X amount of hair and make-up adds up. That's why we are limiting ourselves

As far as attire, you just ask your BMs and he asks his GMs *privately* for their budgets. You pick the lowest budget and stay under it. Easy, done. Doesn't cost you a dime.

As far as shoes, you can just say "wear any black shoes". Easy, done. Doesn't cost you a dime.

As far as hair and makeup, the only way you need to pay for this is if you say "I want you to get this done". If you say nothing, it doesn't cost you a dime.

As far as jewelry, the only way you need to pay for this is if you say "I want you to wear xyz". If you say nothing, it doesn't cost you a dime.

As far as gifts, yes. You would be buying your WP gifts. But if you ask them to be ushers, you should be buying them a gift anyway. Same with your FG or RB, if having. Everyone in the WP should get a "thank you" gift. So this will cost you the same whether their title is "GM" or "usher".

So basically, having these two guys as ushers or GMs will make absolutely zero difference in cost. Now you're just making excuses.

xx802xx

Very few of you have provided me with information that actually suits my question of would you or have you asked someone to be an usher and were they offended it was to be an usher instead of a groomsmen. We WANT 4, This isn't about maybe having 6. It's asking 2 friends to be an usher or not asking them at all.

sarawifenow

sam802 said:

Very few of you have provided me with information that actually suits my question of would you or have you asked someone to be an usher and were they offended it was to be an usher instead of a groomsmen. We WANT 4, This isn't about maybe having 6. It's asking 2 friends to be an usher or not asking them at all.

Ok I guess you just aren't going to answer my question then.

 

To answer yours: No I have not asked two very close friends to be ushers because I wanted to have even sides so bad that their friendship with me/FI wasn't good enough.

theartistformerlyknownas

sam802 said:

Very few of you have provided me with information that actually suits my question of would you or have you asked someone to be an usher and were they offended it was to be an usher instead of a groomsmen. We WANT 4, This isn't about maybe having 6. It's asking 2 friends to be an usher or not asking them at all.

Um, I did. H's friend was not offended by it because he wasn't as close of a friend as the groomsmen were.

On the other hand, I was asked to be the program attendant in my step-sister's wedding and that was offensive to me because she only asked so I felt included, not because it was a position of honor.

If these 2 men are as close to your FI as the other 4 men are, THEY WILL BE OFFENDED.

southernbelle0915

sam802 said:

Very few of you have provided me with information that actually suits my question of would you or have you asked someone to be an usher and were they offended it was to be an usher instead of a groomsmen. We WANT 4, This isn't about maybe having 6. It's asking 2 friends to be an usher or not asking them at all.

No, we did not do this. We asked everyone we wanted to be in the WP. 

I have HEARD of this being done. And yes, it hurts feelings when people realize that:

their friendship < even sides

Sugargirl1019

sam802 said:

Very few of you have provided me with information that actually suits my question of would you or have you asked someone to be an usher and were they offended it was to be an usher instead of a groomsmen. We WANT 4, This isn't about maybe having 6. It's asking 2 friends to be an usher or not asking them at all.

My DH was best man in a friends wedding. There were two ushers who were all great friends with the groom. I heard some snark that they felt like second class friends since they didn't get chosen to be GM.

I was a bridesmaid in a close friends wedding. Her DH chose three men to usher. They were his cousins. They were very happy to be ushers and I never heard any bad feelings about it.

In my own wedding, my groomsmen were the ushers for the bridal party only. I did not have ushers for the guests. I hate the idea of men escorting women in to be sat, only to have their SO trailing behind watching their woman on another mans arm. So my groomsmen escorted my mother, his parents, my grandmother down the aisle.
ETA: my groomsmen and groom stood at the chapel doors and greeted people but did not escort them to their seats. They did verbally say "great aunt sue, you're a VIP, please sit in the 2nd row!"

theycallmelinz

We have answered your question. If your FI is equally as close to all 6 of these people, the 2 he asks to just be ushers are going to be offended. 

xx802xx

I'm having a formal wedding next summer. sorry for not answering earlier. I didn't expect this to explode so quickly. I haven't read 1/2 the posts yet and the ones I have i'm shocked so many people have gone a different route and not helped on the question at all. Thank you though for those who actually have understood i'm looking for would you or not ask or how would you feel...not just add more people 

sarawifenow

 

sam802 said:

I'm having a formal wedding next summer. sorry for not answering earlier. I didn't expect this to explode so quickly. I haven't read 1/2 the posts yet and the ones I have i'm shocked so many people have gone a different route and not helped on the question at all. Thank you though for those who actually have understood i'm looking for would you or not ask or how would you feel...not just add more people 

When you post on an internet board, people are going to respond to your post. Not just the parts you want them to. Also, I don't understand what having a formal wedding has to do with having even sides. My cousin had a black tie wedding and she had 4 BM and he had 7 GM.

 

Edited: Had not has

luckya23

Wow, I didn't know that GM =/= Usher! 

 

 

Sugargirl1019

With all due respect I answered your question. I gave you three scenarios. Then other posters told you they would be offended, and even went so far as to suggest how to prevent them from being offended.

I would just make your groomsmen be the ushers too.

theartistformerlyknownas

sam802 said:

I'm having a formal wedding next summer. sorry for not answering earlier. I didn't expect this to explode so quickly. I haven't read 1/2 the posts yet and the ones I have i'm shocked so many people have gone a different route and not helped on the question at all. Thank you though for those who actually have understood i'm looking for would you or not ask or how would you feel...not just add more people 

There is nothing here that should shock you. You asked "would they be offended;" people answered "yup they will, you should make them groomsmen, and here are the 5476937665 reasons why that's just fine and wonderful."

chibiyui

I agree with the majority here. If all 6 friends are equally close, the 2 who are not groomsmen may be hurt/offended.

While I also think the easiest solution is to just ask all 6, what about having the other two as readers? It's still a role of honor, without the whole ushers being second class groomsmen thingm

xx802xx

I don't care about sides even though visually even numbers works better for me. We are limiting it to 4 per person because it's easy to get carried away and the people next to you should be your very best...not everyone. Plus I know he'll ask more people and then complain about how much he's paying on groomsmen gifts and other misc. things that our wedding party will have specially done for them or to indicate them (example being that each wedding party chair will have certain flower and tassel decortations- each one = X $) 

holyguacamole79

sam802 said:

Very few of you have provided me with information that actually suits my question of would you or have you asked someone to be an usher and were they offended it was to be an usher instead of a groomsmen. We WANT 4, This isn't about maybe having 6. It's asking 2 friends to be an usher or not asking them at all.

My husband had 3 GMs and 3 ushers. His groomsmen were his 2 brothers + his best friend. The ushers didn't seem to be offended, but I don't know that for sure. My husband didn't have any struggles about whom to ask for what, though.

xx802xx

I didn't say who did and who didn't help. but I did say thank you for those who have