Asking a friend to be an Usher instead of a Groomsmen

xx802xx

My fiancé had a very hard time choosing who he would ask to be his groomsmen because he wanted to ask more then the 4 groomsmen/ bridesmaids we agreed on. He still feels bad about limiting his groomsmen number and wants to ask 2 other friends to be ushers. We both think having ushers is a nice idea except that we don't want to offend anyone by asking them to be an usher instead of a groomsmen.

Has anyone been in a similar situation either about asking or being asked and how you felt? Thanks so much for the advice!

emmaaa

Why can't he have 6 groomsmen?

sarawifenow

Who cares if sides are even? I think it is kind of mean to not let your FI have the men he wants standing as GMs because it goes over the number of people alotted to each side.

ashley8918

emmaaa said:

Why can't he have 6 groomsmen?

This. Just let the man have his 6 groomsman. Why would this be a problem?

xx802xx

In case it's unclear above...we agreed on 4 bridesmaids & 4 groomsman, not 4 total

slothiegal

sam802 said:

My fiancé had a very hard time choosing who he would ask to be his groomsmen because he wanted to ask more then the 4 groomsmen/ bridesmaids we agreed on. He still feels bad about limiting his groomsmen number and wants to ask 2 other friends to be ushers. We both think having ushers is a nice idea except that we don't want to offend anyone by asking them to be an usher instead of a groomsmen.

Has anyone been in a similar situation either about asking or being asked and how you felt? Thanks so much for the advice!

theartistformerlyknownas

If he's as close with the 2 as he is with the 4, he should go ahead and ask them all to be GM. If they're not as close as the other guys though, they likely won't be offended by being ushers. 

One of H's friends was really excited to be asked to be an usher, but he never would have expected to be a GM.

sarawifenow

sam802 said:

In case it's unclear above...we agreed on 4 bridesmaids & 4 groomsman, not 4 total

I think you were perfectly clear. If he wants 6 GM let him have 6 GM. It is really controlling to not let him have his nearest and dearest up there because you are worried the sides won't be even. Why did you only want 4 and 4 to begin with?

sarawifenow

sam802 said:

My fiancé had a very hard time choosing who he would ask to be his groomsmen because he wanted to ask more then the 4 groomsmen/ bridesmaids we agreed on. He still feels bad about limiting his groomsmen number and wants to ask 2 other friends to be ushers. We both think having ushers is a nice idea except that we don't want to offend anyone by asking them to be an usher instead of a groomsmen.

Has anyone been in a similar situation either about asking or being asked and how you felt? Thanks so much for the advice!

Also JIC.

xx802xx

We both want to have the same amount on each side of us and it's not possible for me to think of 2 more girls...I actually have 3 bridesmaids and 1 bridesman that make up my party.

sarawifenow

sam802 said:

We both want to have the same amount on each side of us and it's not possible for me to think of 2 more girls...I actually have 3 bridesmaids and 1 bridesman that make up my party.

So? Sides don't have to be even. You could rethink this. If he is that close to the guys, let him have them.

slothiegal

My advice: have six groomsmen.

sarawifenow

I think it was @Maggie0829 who had uneven sides (more GM than BM) and her pics are GORG! Correct me if I am wrong, Maggie.

 

ETA: I am sure there are tons more Knotties who have done this, too. Maggie is just who popped into my head.

mrsmagicgeek

Sides don't have to be even. If he would call any of the six at 3am to help him bury a dead body, he should have all 6 standing with him.

theartistformerlyknownas

SaraBrideSoon said:

show previous quotes

sam802 said:

In case it's unclear above...we agreed on 4 bridesmaids & 4 groomsman, not 4 total

I think you were perfectly clear. If he wants 6 GM let him have 6 GM. It is really controlling to not let him have his nearest and dearest up there because you are worried the sides won't be even. Why did you only want 4 and 4 to begin with?

Willing to give you the benefit of the doubt that this isn't necessarily about you being controlling or "letting" him do anything, OP - I just think you are both operating under the incorrect assumption that sides have to be even. There is nothing wrong with you having 4 bridesmaids and him having 6 groomsmen. 

If you're worried about how they will process, you can have 1 BM walk flanked by 2 GM, or have the two additional GM escort the mothers, or have them all walk in single file. If you're worried about pictures not being symmetrical, don't be. That's a pretty weak reason for offending friends.

xx802xx

I'm not limiting the number to 4. we both agreed to 4 each. he's having a really hard time picking 4 out of 6. 

sarawifenow

sam802 said:

I'm not limiting the number to 4. we both agreed to 4 each. he's having a really hard time picking 4 out of 6. 

Then have all 6. How long until your wedding?

slothiegal

sam802 said:

I'm not limiting the number to 4. we both agreed to 4 each. he's having a really hard time picking 4 out of 6. 

Well then I don't know how much we can help you.  

theartistformerlyknownas

Because we all love pictures...

xx802xx

This isn't about having more then 4 groomsmen. It's about asking two other friends to be ushers instead of a groomsmen.

slothiegal

sam802 said:

This isn't about having more then 4 groomsmen. It's about asking two other friends to be ushers instead of a groomsmen.

OK, and if I was one of the friends that didn't make the cut, I would be offended.

emmaaa

sam802 said:

We both want to have the same amount on each side of us and it's not possible for me to think of 2 more girls...I actually have 3 bridesmaids and 1 bridesman that make up my party

So it is more important to you that sides are even than your FI having the people who mean the most to him standing beside him?

theartistformerlyknownas

sam802 said:

This isn't about having more then 4 groomsmen. It's about asking two other friends to be ushers instead of a groomsmen.

If the number 4 and even sides are more important to you than close friendships are, then yes it's offensive to be asked to be an usher instead. Instead of the usher position being an honor to them, it's a consolation prize. There's no nice way to do it. Your FI's friends will be rightfully hurt and pissed off.

sarawifenow

sam802 said:

This isn't about having more then 4 groomsmen. It's about asking two other friends to be ushers instead of a groomsmen.

Just say, "will you be an usher?" Since you aren't willing to have uneven sides, that is going to be your only option. I still think that if your FI has 6 friends he is that close to, you are both doing those friendships an injustice by not letting them stand next to your FI as GMs.

manillabar

It's ok not to have equal sides.   The point of the wedding party is to have those closest to you be by your side as you say your vows.  If his closest = 6 and your closest = 4, then just let it be. If he's not as close to these two, then it's a different story, but don't leave them out just for the sake of equal sides

theycallmelinz

sam802 said:

This isn't about having more then 4 groomsmen. It's about asking two other friends to be ushers instead of a groomsmen.

Okay, then I think that's a bad idea and I would be offended. That's just like having 'honorary bridesmaids'. It's saying "Sorry you didn't quite make the cut but here's a made up job as a consolation prize".

cafarrie

I don't think they would be offended to be ushers.  My DH was in the same boat.  We each had 5 people standing with us and had 2 friends that we are both very close to.  He would have felt comfortable with one of them as a groomsman and not the other, but usually when we see them, it's the four of us - so he felt strange asking one over the other.  So we asked them to be ushers since they're very close to both of us.  They were so excited!  We included them in lots of pictures and everything else the BP was involved in.  Ended up being great!

holyguacamole79

sam802 said:

Has anyone been in a similar situation either about asking or being asked and how you felt? Thanks so much for the advice!

If I found out that I was asked to be an usher instead of a groomsman because my friend wanted equal sides for pictures, I wouldn't think much of him as a friend.

cafarrie

For what it's worth, I know the sides don't HAVE to be even - but I think it look's really silly and I'm kind of OCD about things being symmetrical .  That's just me though, and I would never think twice if someone had a different number.  

sarawifenow

cafarrie said:

I don't think they would be offended to be ushers.  My DH was in the same boat.  We each had 5 people standing with us and had 2 friends that we are both very close to.  He would have felt comfortable with one of them as a groomsman and not the other, but usually when we see them, it's the four of us - so he felt strange asking one over the other.  So we asked them to be ushers since they're very close to both of us.  They were so excited!  We included them in lots of pictures and everything else the BP was involved in.  Ended up being great!

See I don't get this. It's like saying "We are going to include you in everything the BP is included in, but you are not actually in the BP. Thanks!" It just doesn't make sense to me.

theartistformerlyknownas

cafarrie said:

I don't think they would be offended to be ushers.  My DH was in the same boat.  We each had 5 people standing with us and had 2 friends that we are both very close to.  He would have felt comfortable with one of them as a groomsman and not the other, but usually when we see them, it's the four of us - so he felt strange asking one over the other.  So we asked them to be ushers since they're very close to both of us.  They were so excited!  We included them in lots of pictures and everything else the BP was involved in.  Ended up being great!

I think the difference here is it was easier for you to make that split. In the OP's case, the 6 friends are all equally close or else her FI wouldn't be having such a hard time choosing between them.