Asking a friend to be an Usher instead of a Groomsmen

sarawifenow

xx802xx

SaraBrideSoon said:

sam802 said:

I'm not sure how long it took because he took 2 months to ask just the 4 groomsmen individually.

Honestly, no one even knows what you are talking about anymore.

I was replying to someone's question and since I've heard use "quote" and OMG too many quotes" I don't know who wants me to quote them and who doesn't

theartistformerlyknownas

Aaaaaaaand we're up to page 7! Woo!

OP, I think this will serve you well throughout your wedding planning. Any time you need to Google "how to do x without offending y," you probably won't find answers because the only good answer is "just don't do it, it's offensive." Trust your gut when you think something is rude. If your FI has good reason to think his friends will be offended by being ushers, he's probably right. 

xx802xx

lol, I agree. I think it is offensive since he thinks of them closer then some others...but maybe not his closest.

xx802xx

....but we wanted to hear other peoples input.

princessofgenovia

lolo883 said:

Aaaaaaaand we're up to page 7! Woo!

OP, I think this will serve you well throughout your wedding planning. Any time you need to Google "how to do x without offending y," you probably won't find answers because the only good answer is "just don't do it, it's offensive." Trust your gut when you think something is rude. If your FI has good reason to think his friends will be offended by being ushers, he's probably right. 

I think we should've stopped at page 4. Now there too many pages and it's out of control.

xx802xx

Scribe, I'd ask them if all 6 were his closest. He's indicated no, 2 of them are close but not his closest and that is why he wanted to find out if people thought it would be offensive to ask them as ushers instead. Most people have said yes, it would be offensive

gladyscf

If you are replying to a specific person, always quote. It makes things much easier.

Also, a long time ago (and I'm not going back through 7 pages to find it) did you say that these 2 guys in question are best friends but that only one of them is close to your FI?

beethery

This is so stupid. I LIKE FOUR. I LIKE TURTLES!!!!

xx802xx

gladyscf said:

If you are replying to a specific person, always quote. It makes things much easier.

Also, a long time ago (and I'm not going back through 7 pages to find it) did you say that these 2 guys in question are best friends but that only one of them is close to your FI?

they are both friends of my fiancé, one is probably a little closer then the other...but the 2 people are best friends with each other, so asking one and not the other would be mean since we usually see them both when we do.

sarawifenow

sam802 said:

Scribe, I'd ask them if all 6 were his closest. He's indicated no, 2 of them are close but not his closest and that is why he wanted to find out if people thought it would be offensive to ask them as ushers instead. Most people have said yes, it would be offensive

Dear Lord woman!! This is just annoying at this point. Tell your FI to make the decision on his own and go worry about your fancy tassles. Seriously.

xx802xx

scribe95 said:

Oh my god. You are too much. Not everyone can be equally close in friendships you know? I had four bridesmaids. I'm sure I am closer to a few than others. But that doesn't mean I don't love them and want them to be part of my day. 

And also - the reason he has asked about ushers is because you have not just said, "sure, have them all. sounds great."

You are the one making this a problem.

this doesn't apply because he already said he didn't want them as groomsmen. If he TRUELY wanted 6, then fine.

photokitty

For the life of me I am having a REALLY hard time believe some groom is losing sleep over 2 friends, who aren't as close of friends as the 4 groomsmen, bc we decided 4. That he believes these 2 dudes in question would even care if they ere not groomsmen, let alone some pretend honor such as usher. BC all the men I know would be like...don't have to rent a monkey suit, don't have to wear rented crappy shoes, still get to go and have free booze, DON'T CARE that I don't have job/duty/honor!

Pretty sure this is those 2 dudes. AND this is either MUD or AWing by a rare SSgroom.

ETA - just leave them out and move on.

hellosweetie1015

Ushers aren't needed. Guest book guard dogs aren't needed (and I don't make a good one; I'll doodle all up in that thing). Program hander-outers aren't needed. Hell, BRIDESMAIDS AND GROOMSMEN AREN'T NEEDED. Just have them as guests, or honor them another way, or ask them to be flipping groomsmen if he's close enough to them. If I were "close but not closest" to the bride or groom (who may or may not be reading, Hi Groom if you are!), I'm not going to lie, I'd be hurt to not be a groomsman, and offering me up the "usher" would make me feel decidedly second-class.

Draw the line at "Would you call this person at 3 am to help you hide a body?" not "Oh, let's have four (or seven, or 15, or a million - whatever arbitrary number there is)." I have three people that description fits; FI has two but knows one of them would not enjoy being a GM. 

Question - do you have more friends you'd like to ask but can't because this arbitrary number is there? Or were you the lucky one that had exactly that arbitrary number?

birdybride2014

If he says they are close to him, and he is wanting so badly to have them in the wedding, then see how he feels having them as groomsmen. Are they not thaaaat close? Not groomsmen close? then have them as guests. But if he would be happy to have them as groomsmen, then have them as groomsmen. 

I have 5 ladies standing up with me and our friendships are all at different levels, however I couldn't imagine not having them in the wedding party. If he gets sad feelings thinking about them not being in the wedding party, then include them too. 

theartistformerlyknownas

What kind of cake are you having?

gladyscf

sam802 said:

gladyscf said:

If you are replying to a specific person, always quote. It makes things much easier.

Also, a long time ago (and I'm not going back through 7 pages to find it) did you say that these 2 guys in question are best friends but that only one of them is close to your FI?

they are both friends of my fiancé, one is probably a little closer then the other...but the 2 people are best friends with each other, so asking one and not the other would be mean since we usually see them both when we do.

My sister has a best friend who I'm also friends with (although not as close). When I see my sister, many, many times it is when her best friend is around. I've asked my sister to be my MOH, her best friend is not even invited to my wedding. 

These 2 guys are not a package deal unless your FI wants them to be. 

xx802xx

I already have all the advice I need sarabride, the last 3 pages of posts have almost all been answering peoples questions.

arrippa

sam802 said: this doesn't apply because he already said he didn't want them as groomsmen. If he TRUELY wanted 6, then fine. ----------------------------------------------------- ************Why don't my boxes work?!?!?**************** I don't believe you. I read this entire thread and I am so hoping you are a troll because no one can be this dense. I wish I could add a gif of my brain exploding because that's how I feel reading it.

gladyscf

arrippa said:

sam802 said: this doesn't apply because he already said he didn't want them as groomsmen. If he TRUELY wanted 6, then fine. ----------------------------------------------------- ************Why don't my boxes work?!?!?**************** I don't believe you. I read this entire thread and I am so hoping you are a troll because no one can be this dense. I wish I could add a gif of my brain exploding because that's how I feel reading this thread.

I got ya!

hellosweetie1015

Not gonna lie, this is gonna sound crazy. But it fits with the thread.

Have him flip a coin. Tell him that heads means he can have them as groomsmen, and tails means they're guests. If he's disappointed that it lands on tails, he wants them as groomsmen. At which point you say "OK."

Seriously, it's weird, but sometimes if you take choice completely out of the matter and leave it wholly up to chance, you find out what you really want.

mrsmagicgeek

I fail at attaching animated gifs, apparently. Imagine a pumpkin with a six carved into it, with a seasonal black cat.

xx802xx

hellosweetie1015 said:

Ushers aren't needed. Guest book guard dogs aren't needed (and I don't make a good one; I'll doodle all up in that thing). Program hander-outers aren't needed. Hell, BRIDESMAIDS AND GROOMSMEN AREN'T NEEDED. Just have them as guests, or honor them another way, or ask them to be flipping groomsmen if he's close enough to them. If I were "close but not closest" to the bride or groom (who may or may not be reading, Hi Groom if you are!), I'm not going to lie, I'd be hurt to not be a groomsman, and offering me up the "usher" would make me feel decidedly second-class.

Draw the line at "Would you call this person at 3 am to help you hide a body?" not "Oh, let's have four (or seven, or 15, or a million - whatever arbitrary number there is)." I have three people that description fits; FI has two but knows one of them would not enjoy being a GM. 

Question - do you have more friends you'd like to ask but can't because this arbitrary number is there? Or were you the lucky one that had exactly that arbitrary number?

I could probably ask another person, but it wouldn't be someone I obviously considered as one of my closest. I'm done with my asking...I could have only asked 3...but had a "getting closer" friend who I wanted to ask and become closer too.

birdybride2014

hellosweetie1015 said:

Not gonna lie, this is gonna sound crazy. But it fits with the thread.

Have him flip a coin. Tell him that heads means he can have them as groomsmen, and tails means they're guests. If he's disappointed that it lands on tails, he wants them as groomsmen. At which point you say "OK."

Seriously, it's weird, but sometimes if you take choice completely out of the matter and leave it wholly up to chance, you find out what you really want.

I've done this and it totally works. If you are sad with the results, you know to pick the other. 

MGP

I just can't today. . . 

theartistformerlyknownas

sam802 said: hellosweetie1015 said: Ushers aren't needed. Guest book guard dogs aren't needed (and I don't make a good one; I'll doodle all up in that thing). Program hander-outers aren't needed. Hell, BRIDESMAIDS AND GROOMSMEN AREN'T NEEDED. Just have them as guests, or honor them another way, or ask them to be flipping groomsmen if he's close enough to them. If I were "close but not closest" to the bride or groom (who may or may not be reading, Hi Groom if you are!), I'm not going to lie, I'd be hurt to not be a groomsman, and offering me up the "usher" would make me feel decidedly second-class.
Draw the line at "Would you call this person at 3 am to help you hide a body?" not "Oh, let's have four (or seven, or 15, or a million - whatever arbitrary number there is)." I have three people that description fits; FI has two but knows one of them would not enjoy being a GM. 
Question - do you have more friends you'd like to ask but can't because this arbitrary number is there? Or were you the lucky one that had exactly that arbitrary number? I could probably ask another person, but it wouldn't be someone I obviously considered as one of my closest. I'm done with my asking...I could have only asked 3...but had a "getting closer" friend who I wanted to ask and become closer too.
I JUST CAN'T WITH YOU TODAY, BOXES!! DO YOU NOT WORK PAST PAGE 6?!   She wasn't asking to imply that you should pick another person, merely to determine whether you landed on four because that's the number of closest friends you have who you wanted by your side, or just because four sounded like a nice number.

But really, at this point, you know you can just let this thread die, right?

hellosweetie1015

birdybride2014 said:

hellosweetie1015 said:

Not gonna lie, this is gonna sound crazy. But it fits with the thread.

Have him flip a coin. Tell him that heads means he can have them as groomsmen, and tails means they're guests. If he's disappointed that it lands on tails, he wants them as groomsmen. At which point you say "OK."

Seriously, it's weird, but sometimes if you take choice completely out of the matter and leave it wholly up to chance, you find out what you really want.

I've done this and it totally works. If you are sad with the results, you know to pick the other. 

IT'S CRAZY RIGHT?

Sam, that's kind of our point. Your arbitrary number worked out pretty well for you - you got to ask who you wanted. Now your FI maybe feels like he has to have four to match, or because it's not fair, or for whatever silly unnecessary reason.

Tell him even sides are not an issue. Like at all. (FI, if you're reading: EVEN SIDES ARE NOT AN ISSUE.) If he wants them as groomsmen, or wants one of them as groomsmen but not the other (because adult people are only a pair if they're conjoined twins), AND if it hasn't been so long that they will feel as if they're afterthoughts, I don't see why he can't ask them.

xx802xx

at this point i'm wondering how many people this really will go. but sooo many people love t post! This was a real question and I got my real advice lllloooonnnnggg ago. i'm merely being polite and answering other questions now.

holyguacamole79

sam802 said:

at this point i'm wondering how many people this really will go. but sooo many people love t post! This was a real question and I got my real advice lllloooonnnnggg ago. i'm merely being polite and answering other questions now.

What are your colors?

xx802xx

even sides are not important. I don't know why people have missed that he's said "HE DIDN'T WANT THEM AS GROOMSMEN" but to have a part