Asking a friend to be an Usher instead of a Groomsmen

Maggie0829

sam802 said:

We could have 6, 10, 200...but we chose 4 as to not get carried away (also mentioned pages ago). If we started picking more, sooner or later we're picking friends and not best friends because they are almost as close as this person and almost as close as that person. I hate hurting peoples feeling, so I don't want to and if not including 2 people as ushers is less painful then asking them to be ushers, then that's what might be best. Especially since one would care, the other wouldn't...but the two in question are themselves best friends.

But this is the place where you fucked up!  You don't just pick an arbitrary number when you obviously know that you have more close friends then just 4!

AND OMG YOU ARE MAKING THIS SO DIFFICULT ON YOURSELF FOR NO REASON!!!!

Liatris2010

sam802 said:

We could have 6, 10, 200...but we chose 4 as to not get carried away (also mentioned pages ago). If we started picking more, sooner or later we're picking friends and not best friends because they are almost as close as this person and almost as close as that person. I hate hurting peoples feeling, so I don't want to and if not including 2 people as ushers is less painful then asking them to be ushers, then that's what might be best. Especially since one would care, the other wouldn't...but the two in question are themselves best friends.

Still backwards. I picked my best friends, H picked his. I had 6, he had 9. Neither of us "got carried away". Those were the people we wanted, so we asked them. Where is it written than you can have 4 best friends and more than that is too many? If FI only had 4, he wouldn't be fretting about the other two, so I guess that means he has 6. There are worse things in life than having lots of close friends, but if you keep acting like numbers are more important than relationships you won't have deal with that "problem" much longer.

theartistformerlyknownas

sam802 said:

We could have 6, 10, 200...but we chose 4 as to not get carried away (also mentioned pages ago). If we started picking more, sooner or later we're picking friends and not best friends because they are almost as close as this person and almost as close as that person. I hate hurting peoples feeling, so I don't want to and if not including 2 people as ushers is less painful then asking them to be ushers, then that's what might be best. Especially since one would care, the other wouldn't...but the two in question are themselves best friends.

It's really not getting carried away to say that instead of 4, he has 6, and that is the end of the story. No more additions, definitely no deletions, no more freaking conversation about it. 

The one and only thing that matters is that YOUR FI choose the people HE is closest to based on HIS relationship with them. Not based on even sides. Not based on chair tassels. Not based on how many friends you have. Not based on their relationship with each other. Sam's FI, ARE THESE TWO PEOPLE YOUR BEST FRIENDS YES OR NO. If yes, they will be pissed to be asked as ushers. If no, they won't fucking care whether they're ushers or guests. 

steph861

sam802 said:

We could have 6, 10, 200...but we chose 4 as to not get carried away (also mentioned pages ago). If we started picking more, sooner or later we're picking friends and not best friends because they are almost as close as this person and almost as close as that person. I hate hurting peoples feeling, so I don't want to and if not including 2 people as ushers is less painful then asking them to be ushers, then that's what might be best. Especially since one would care, the other wouldn't...but the two in question are themselves best friends.

Is this likely to happen? Based on what you've said, I'm getting the impression that if he picked GMs with no number in mind, it would only be these six guys. 

xx802xx

 

hellosweetie1015 said:

sam802 said:

We could have 6, 10, 200...but we chose 4 as to not get carried away (also mentioned pages ago). If we started picking more, sooner or later we're picking friends and not best friends because they are almost as close as this person and almost as close as that person. I hate hurting peoples feeling, so I don't want to and if not including 2 people as ushers is less painful then asking them to be ushers, then that's what might be best. Especially since one would care, the other wouldn't...but the two in question are themselves best friends.

Hit quote. Srsly. 

Pick your best friends, and draw the line that way. There is no real reason for even sides, or for picking "friends" after you hit your 1, 4, or 10 best friends.

Also, answer my question. Did he KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that the four groomsmen were gonna be groomsmen, and he's trying to figure out what to do with the two outliers, or is he having to choose four of his best friends? My yes-or-no answer depends HEAVILY on that response.

He chose 4 people, then asked the 4 and now is questioning 2 others that he didn't originally think of, but thinks he should ask them to play some sort of role, but doesn't want to insualt them is he asks them to be ushers instead of groomsmen

xx802xx

the way he's told me, it doesn't sound like he was ever thinking they would be groomsmen, but should play a part

Maggie0829

sam802 said:

the way he's told me, it doesn't sound like he was ever thinking they would be groomsmen, but should play a part

If this is really true (even though in the beginning you made it seem that all 6 guys were equally important to your FI) then just invite the 2 guys as guests.  Being just an usher, to me, is not an honor, it is a job and jobs should not be given to anyone at a wedding.

theartistformerlyknownas

sam802 said:

 

hellosweetie1015 said:

sam802 said:

We could have 6, 10, 200...but we chose 4 as to not get carried away (also mentioned pages ago). If we started picking more, sooner or later we're picking friends and not best friends because they are almost as close as this person and almost as close as that person. I hate hurting peoples feeling, so I don't want to and if not including 2 people as ushers is less painful then asking them to be ushers, then that's what might be best. Especially since one would care, the other wouldn't...but the two in question are themselves best friends.

Hit quote. Srsly. 

Pick your best friends, and draw the line that way. There is no real reason for even sides, or for picking "friends" after you hit your 1, 4, or 10 best friends.

Also, answer my question. Did he KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that the four groomsmen were gonna be groomsmen, and he's trying to figure out what to do with the two outliers, or is he having to choose four of his best friends? My yes-or-no answer depends HEAVILY on that response.

He chose 4 people, then asked the 4 and now is questioning 2 others that he didn't originally think of, but thinks he should ask them to play some sort of role, but doesn't want to insualt them is he asks them to be ushers instead of groomsmen

Well that's very helpful information.

Don't ask people to do things just to fill roles. That makes them props. If you didn't initially think "we need ushers and these 2 guys would be great for that," then don't ask them. Invite them as guests.

Maggie0829

lolo883 said:

sam802 said:

 

hellosweetie1015 said:

sam802 said:

We could have 6, 10, 200...but we chose 4 as to not get carried away (also mentioned pages ago). If we started picking more, sooner or later we're picking friends and not best friends because they are almost as close as this person and almost as close as that person. I hate hurting peoples feeling, so I don't want to and if not including 2 people as ushers is less painful then asking them to be ushers, then that's what might be best. Especially since one would care, the other wouldn't...but the two in question are themselves best friends.

Hit quote. Srsly. 

Pick your best friends, and draw the line that way. There is no real reason for even sides, or for picking "friends" after you hit your 1, 4, or 10 best friends.

Also, answer my question. Did he KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that the four groomsmen were gonna be groomsmen, and he's trying to figure out what to do with the two outliers, or is he having to choose four of his best friends? My yes-or-no answer depends HEAVILY on that response.

He chose 4 people, then asked the 4 and now is questioning 2 others that he didn't originally think of, but thinks he should ask them to play some sort of role, but doesn't want to insualt them is he asks them to be ushers instead of groomsmen

Well that's very helpful information.

Don't ask people to do things just to fill roles. That makes them props. If you didn't initially think "we need ushers and these 2 guys would be great for that," then don't ask them. Invite them as guests.

Yup, and it only took 6 pages and repeating the same question a thousand times to get here.

xx802xx

I want them as guests, he thinks they are more important then that...but maybe not groomsmen. That's why this became a topic

holyguacamole79

I'm still curious why the number 4 is so magical.

Did you two have sex on your 4th date?
Did he propose on the 4th of July?
Do you have 4 dogs?
Do you both have the number 4 in your cell phone number?
Was his (or your) jersey number 4 in high school / college sports?

slothiegal

Maggie0829 said:

lolo883 said:

sam802 said:

 

hellosweetie1015 said:

sam802 said:

We could have 6, 10, 200...but we chose 4 as to not get carried away (also mentioned pages ago). If we started picking more, sooner or later we're picking friends and not best friends because they are almost as close as this person and almost as close as that person. I hate hurting peoples feeling, so I don't want to and if not including 2 people as ushers is less painful then asking them to be ushers, then that's what might be best. Especially since one would care, the other wouldn't...but the two in question are themselves best friends.

Hit quote. Srsly. 

Pick your best friends, and draw the line that way. There is no real reason for even sides, or for picking "friends" after you hit your 1, 4, or 10 best friends.

Also, answer my question. Did he KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that the four groomsmen were gonna be groomsmen, and he's trying to figure out what to do with the two outliers, or is he having to choose four of his best friends? My yes-or-no answer depends HEAVILY on that response.

He chose 4 people, then asked the 4 and now is questioning 2 others that he didn't originally think of, but thinks he should ask them to play some sort of role, but doesn't want to insualt them is he asks them to be ushers instead of groomsmen

Well that's very helpful information.

Don't ask people to do things just to fill roles. That makes them props. If you didn't initially think "we need ushers and these 2 guys would be great for that," then don't ask them. Invite them as guests.

Yup, and it only took 6 pages and repeating the same question a thousand times to get here.

Hey, it's cool, I really didn't need all those brain cells I lost while banging my head against my desk.

gladyscf

sam802 said:

I want them as guests, he thinks they are more important then that...but maybe not groomsmen. That's why this became a topic

You can't make that decision. Your FI has to.

theartistformerlyknownas

sam802 said: I want them as guests, he thinks they are more important then that...but maybe not groomsmen. That's why this became a topic    GDCSMF BOXES!!!   I suggest he stop thinking of your guests as unimportant then. Guests are important. It's an honor to be invited to a wedding.

steph861

sam802 said:

I want them as guests, he thinks they are more important then that...but maybe not groomsmen. That's why this became a topic

At this point, I think I'd leave it up to your FI. It sounds like he feels strongly about asking them to be involved in some way. He just needs to ask them tactfully and be willing to deal with the consequences if they're offended.

xx802xx

lolo883 said:

sam802 said:

I want them as guests, he thinks they are more important then that...but maybe not groomsmen. That's why this became a topic

   GDCSMF BOXES!!!   I suggest he stop thinking of your guests as unimportant then. Guests are important. It's an honor to be invited to a wedding.
Of course guests are important. Your family and friends are very important...but you don't ask everyone to come to your wedding (if you can not) and you don't ask everyone to be in your party. You just ask the people your closest too. We already drew the conclusion that I can't determine his closeness to them...but that isn't how he meant saying  or I meant typing saying more or less important.

sarawifenow

Then honestly why did you even ask this question? Your story has changed a million times. I am calling MUD at this point. Everything is just too trollish.

southernbelle0915

sam802 said:

lolo883 said:

sam802 said:

I want them as guests, he thinks they are more important then that...but maybe not groomsmen. That's why this became a topic

   GDCSMF BOXES!!!   I suggest he stop thinking of your guests as unimportant then. Guests are important. It's an honor to be invited to a wedding.

Of course guests are important. Your family and friends are very important...but you don't ask everyone to come to your wedding (if you can not) and you don't ask everyone to be in your party. You just ask the people your closest too. We already drew the conclusion that I can't determine his closeness to them...but that isn't how he meant saying  or I meant typing saying more or less important.

************TK BOXES ARE THE WORST******************

I know what you're saying. It's an honor to be a guest but he wants to make them guests of honor by including them in the WP. 

Why are you so against it? Because pictures? Because symmetry? 

20 years from now when you AND YOUR FI look back on your wedding, are you going to be like "Boy am I glad we didn't include Bob and Jim so that we had symmetrical pictures! We really knew what mattered back then, didn't we?" Spoiler alert: No, you won't say that. You'll probably say "Wow, that was really petty and we were young/immature. Relationships > symmetry. Live and learn I guess... Too bad we aren't friends with those guys any more."

I can't emphasize enough that THIS ISN'T YOUR CALL. What if things were reversed? Say you decided on 2/each. He only had 2 best friends, so NBD. You, on the other hand, had 4 best friends and he was making you pick just 2. See how shitty that would be? See how shitty you're being by trying to control this? If you came here with that scenario, everyone would tell you "he's being ridiculous - your attendants, your call." If I were him, I'd be seeing HUGE red flags with you right now. Micro-managing and trying to control his friendships.... Ugh.

ETF boxes

xx802xx

SaraBrideSoon said:

Then honestly why did you even ask this question? Your story has changed a million times. I am calling MUD at this point. Everything is just too trollish.

my story hasn't changed. He wants 4 groomsmen, he's asked 4 groomsmen...but now he thinks there are 2 friends that should be part of the party as ushers. Never said groomsmen...said many times not groomsmen. Just concerned about offending them

kat1114

sam802 said:

SaraBrideSoon said:

Then honestly why did you even ask this question? Your story has changed a million times. I am calling MUD at this point. Everything is just too trollish.

my story hasn't changed. He wants 4 groomsmen, he's asked 4 groomsmen...but now he thinks there are 2 friends that should be part of the party as ushers. Never said groomsmen...said many times not groomsmen. Just concerned about offending them

You said "My fiancé had a very hard time choosing who he would ask to be his groomsmen because he wanted to ask more then the 4 groomsmen/ bridesmaids we agreed on. He still feels bad about limiting his groomsmen number."

How is that not saying groomsmen?

southernbelle0915

sam802 said:

SaraBrideSoon said:

Then honestly why did you even ask this question? Your story has changed a million times. I am calling MUD at this point. Everything is just too trollish.

my story hasn't changed. He wants 4 groomsmen, he's asked 4 groomsmen...but now he thinks there are 2 friends that should be part of the party as ushers. Never said groomsmen...said many times not groomsmen. Just concerned about offending them

Um, bullshit.... Here's your OP:

sam802 said:

My fiancé had a very hard time choosing who he would ask to be his groomsmen because he wanted to ask more then the 4 groomsmen/ bridesmaids we agreed on. He still feels bad about limiting his groomsmen number and wants to ask 2 other friends to be ushers. We both think having ushers is a nice idea except that we don't want to offend anyone by asking them to be an usher instead of a groomsmen.

Has anyone been in a similar situation either about asking or being asked and how you felt? Thanks so much for the advice!

theartistformerlyknownas

sam802 said:

SaraBrideSoon said:

Then honestly why did you even ask this question? Your story has changed a million times. I am calling MUD at this point. Everything is just too trollish.

my story hasn't changed. He wants 4 groomsmen, he's asked 4 groomsmen...but now he thinks there are 2 friends that should be part of the party as ushers. Never said groomsmen...said many times not groomsmen. Just concerned about offending them

And many times we said "if they're close enough to be groomsmen, they'll be offended by being ushers, so make them groomsmen."

If HE doesn't want THEM to be groomsmen (note: not if you don't want 6 groomsmen, not if you don't want 6 fucking chair tassels, etc.) then many times we've said they can just be guests.

I really don't understand why there are still any more questions.

xx802xx

southern bell, I know it's not my call...he said he couldn't find much online about approaching the topic as to not have someone be offended or if people are more offended, so I told him I would ask all of you lovely people to see if we could get better advice. I've appreciated most of the input given...especially the toned down last few pages. I know he has  read some of this thread since I gave him the thread link earlier. This way he could see all the wonderful advice himself

hellosweetie1015

Maggie0829 said:

lolo883 said:

sam802 said:

 

hellosweetie1015 said:

sam802 said:

We could have 6, 10, 200...but we chose 4 as to not get carried away (also mentioned pages ago). If we started picking more, sooner or later we're picking friends and not best friends because they are almost as close as this person and almost as close as that person. I hate hurting peoples feeling, so I don't want to and if not including 2 people as ushers is less painful then asking them to be ushers, then that's what might be best. Especially since one would care, the other wouldn't...but the two in question are themselves best friends.

Hit quote. Srsly. 

Pick your best friends, and draw the line that way. There is no real reason for even sides, or for picking "friends" after you hit your 1, 4, or 10 best friends.

Also, answer my question. Did he KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that the four groomsmen were gonna be groomsmen, and he's trying to figure out what to do with the two outliers, or is he having to choose four of his best friends? My yes-or-no answer depends HEAVILY on that response.

He chose 4 people, then asked the 4 and now is questioning 2 others that he didn't originally think of, but thinks he should ask them to play some sort of role, but doesn't want to insualt them is he asks them to be ushers instead of groomsmen

Well that's very helpful information.

Don't ask people to do things just to fill roles. That makes them props. If you didn't initially think "we need ushers and these 2 guys would be great for that," then don't ask them. Invite them as guests.

Yup, and it only took 6 pages and repeating the same question a thousand times to get here.

YAY Okay. Next important question is how long did it take for him to realize it? Two hours after GMs were asked, or two months? Anywhere after a week and I'd think that perhaps I was an afterthought. I'd be hurt. Any longer than two weeks and I'd DEFINITELY be hurt.

Frankly, I think you could get around the "lateness" by saying "we've chosen a reading we'd like to have read at our wedding, and we think you would be perfect for it." And then explain why. I'd much rather have someone choose a reading they think I - and only I - would be perfect to read at their wedding than be relegated to an "afterthought" usher.

At the end of the day, though, this is your FI's decision. And you have no say in the matter whatsoever. Including how many he does or does not have. That was the second thing I learned, after "s/he who pays, gets a say."

sarawifenow

Personally I don't like the number 4. 5 is much better. 4 is a jerk. Oh, and...

 

FOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRREEEEEEE!

 

 

princessofgenovia

I think if I were high I would understand this. But the boss frowns upon us getting high well at work. 

theartistformerlyknownas

SaraBrideSoon said:

Personally I don't like the number 4. 5 is much better. 4 is a jerk. Oh, and...

 

FOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRREEEEEEE!

 

 

I prefer 7. 

xx802xx

I'm not sure how long it took because he took 2 months to ask just the 4 groomsmen individually.

sarawifenow

sam802 said:

I'm not sure how long it took because he took 2 months to ask just the 4 groomsmen individually.

Honestly, no one even knows what you are talking about anymore.

xx802xx

I don't know how home it actually took because he took 2 months just to ask the 4 groomsmen he already has asked