Earn cash as you plan. Get a $20 gift card for every 200 points. Learn more
Wedding Vows & Ceremony Discussions
tortor09
member
A Note to Those Who Want to Get Married Now and a Vow Renewal Later... #2
Hi guys! It has been over 2 years since I have been on the forums, but I first posted in early 2012 asking for advice on a vow renewal. It is a very unsupported topic here on this forum and I remember the backlash and rude comments I had received. I am writing to help support you in your research in hopes of letting you know there are instances where it is 'OKAY' and absolutely 'NOT OKAY' to have a vow renewal. Here is my original post on this topic after we got married: [ http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/comment/3757088#Comment_3757088 ]
Here is my story in a nutshell...
I met DH on a double blind date while he was on holiday leave from the Army in December of 2011. We knew it was special from the first time we laid eyes on each other. He went back to his base - 10 hours away. I went back to college. We were constantly texting and skyping each other since the night of our date. Finally, 3 months later I went to visit him. We had lots of fun and on one of my last nights there, he asked me if he could marry me someday. I responded with "Yes, someday!".[He told me later that he was simply just feeling me out. He didn't really expect for me to say YES!]
Later that night, I mentioned that we should just go to the courthouse and elope. We considered it, but there were no courthouses open at 2 am (LOL!). I left a few days later and we continued our talks about getting married... at the courthouse! I brought it up to my mom, who then told me she supported me (which surprised me!). I told my grandparents, they were ecstatic for my upcoming plans but wished that I would do a vow renewal or have a reception. I told them I would consider it. My father and my sister were not as supportive as the rest of my family at the time, however they had not met DH yet at that time.
Many talks and breakdowns later, we decided to get married the next time he came home so that our immediate family would be present. We also decided that we would have a vow renewal after he got home from his deployment. So after 6 months of knowing each other, we got married at the courthouse in May 2012. I went to his base for the summer and then I had to come back to our home state to start nursing school.
It was a long 2 years. Nursing school, a long distance marriage, and a deployment.. it didn't faze us but it certainly wasn't easy. I think the hardest thing was that we spent our first anniversary apart - I was in the USA and he was in Afghanistan. I think we had been with each other physically in the same place for no more than 4 months during those 2 years. It was definitely worth it and we learned A LOT about each other! My family grew to love him and supported us both 150% including those who originally thought it was a terrible idea. Anyhow, there was a point where I actually thought it wasn't even worth having a vow renewal or even a reception. We felt married enough and we didn't really need to reaffirm it despite going through a lot during our first years of marriage. I expressed these concerns to my mother and my mother-in-law. They responded with sadness but said 'Okay'.
Christmas 2013 came around and my mother and grandmother sat me down and asked if I could reconsider my plans and do a 'get-together' instead for our families. I didn't need to get my vows renewed but they wanted me to have the experience of having a reception. I said I would consider it. In April 2014, I finally agreed that I would have a CELEBRATION in honor of our marriage, my graduation, and to welcome home my husband from Afghanistan - however the main focus of this event was our marriage. I spent the following 3-4 weeks planning an event that was to take place on May 17th, 2014.
Someone should have slapped me when I even thought about planning essentially a reception in 4 weeks... [Hahaha].
Anyhow, we did it. I made my own invitations, reserved a venue, sent them out within a week of deciding to do this. My motto during planning was KISS - Keep It Simple Stupid. I didn't want anything too extravagant or expensive. My family convinced me to get DJ and a photographer and I was thankful they did. It turned out to be beautiful and I received so many compliments on the decor (again I kept it very simple!). I had globe string lights hung from the ceilings I had purchased from Big Lots ($13 per string and I only used 5). Instead of long tables, I used 30 round tables that were provided by the venue (Which cost $700 for venue/tables/chairs). There was paper tablecloth cover each table ($100) with wood slices (free, thanks to my dad!). On each wood slice there was a mason jar (free!) with such beautiful flowers I had hand picked from a local floral/greenhouse shop (~$50). Each mason jar had some lace and light teal ribbon running through it with some peach and clear gem stones on the bottom. I also sprinkled some faux peach and white diamonds on each wood slice. It really came together. For food, we actually catered Fazoli's Twice Baked Lasagna and Alfredo along with their delicious breadsticks. We also ordered some subs from a local ma and pop sub shop. Finally we had some salad and the dressing was from Olive Garden. The subs and breadsticks disappeared immediately! They were so good and everyone raved about our food. For drinks we had 4 wine options (1 dry red, 1 sweet red, 1 dry white, and 1 sweet white) and beer on tap. Liquor was not allowed at our venue so we did not have any.
I wore a very light peach colored tapered dress with light peach stripper heels (ow!) which I alternated with some adorable cowgirl boots throughout the night. He wore nice jeans, Doc Marten boots, a white button down with a light teal undershirt. I believe we spent about $150 for both of our outfits.
We had no 'wedding party' or any 'bachelor/bachelorette' parties like you normally would simply because we had no desire to do so and we were married. We had no bridal shower, but people brought gifts and money even though we had asked them that it was not necessary.
It was so much fun and I absolutely don't regret it. We simply called it Our Celebration and I would be happy to share photos (as soon as I get them) and our invitation for those who were curious about how we went about it tastefully.
So again, for those who are considering a vow renewal, celebration, or a reception later on in their marriage.. DO NOT feel bad about your ideas. Some people might talk you down from it.. especially those who don't know you or your situation or have never met you! My entire family gave me a lot of support and encouraged it even.. so let your family and friends help you decide whether you should go through it or not. If they react negatively, then there is probably a good reason why they are reacting that way. If they are reacting positively, then by all means do it! I wish all of you the best of luck.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: A Note to Those Who Want to Get Married Now and a Vow Renewal Later... #2
Why?
I'm the fuck out.
No, this forum does not have an overwhelming negative stigma against them. Like I said, vow renewals, marriage celebration parties are all good. It is the fake redo weddings where the couple has lied to their friends and families where we have issues.
What I find interesting about this, after reading the old thread, is that really you had intented to have a second reception after deployment. . . .that's what people told you was improper. Now you come back two years later and conveniently leave out the part about your grandparents wanting you to have a church ceremony, and trying to win a fight with CMGrAgain about the difference between the wedding and a covalidation.
So basically what you want us all to know is that you got married in a courthouse, had horrible ideas about having a second wedding since the first one didn't count, eventually came to your senses and had a lovely reception to celebrate your previous wedding. . . . pretty much, you listened to our good advice!
You're welcome!
Most people on this site have no issue with vow renewals. What they do get bad-shit-crazy over is people who deem the legal wedding as not good enough and feel the need to have a redo wedding, complete with all the wedding fixings (wedding party, showers, bachelorette parties, white dress, fancy cake, etc.)... often without letting their guests know they are already married. What is often referred to as a PPD (Pretty Princess Day).
It sounds like you did everything correctly. You consider your legal wedding to actually be your wedding. You didn't do a courthouse wedding, decide it didn't really count since it wasn't a big fancy ordeal, and try to redo the big wedding later. You didn't lie to your family/guests about already being married. Having a vow renewal is perfectly fine. As long as it is widely known that it is a vow renewal, not your actual wedding.
It sounds like you had a wonderful celebration of your marriage, which is perfectly acceptable. And you didn't try to have a redo wedding, which is even better. Even if you did a renewal of vows there, it would have been fine, as long as it's clearly a renewal. You proved that you can have an awesome, meaningful celebration without it being a copy of a wedding or trying to pretend it's a wedding. I didn't read your whole post from 2 years ago, but it sounds like you had leaned more toward a PPD back then. But, over time you realized that the "wedding" stuff isn't necessary to have a great celebration and you did it the right way in the end. And your celebration sounds like it was awesome.
Too many people get hung up on thinking it's not a "real" wedding without the poofy dress and 200 drunk guests, and they think the vows or marriage don't count without all that. The people that come on here and say, "we already did the legal courthouse wedding, but now we are planning our real wedding" are the problem. Those are the people that the Knotties have issue with. Those are the people that try to say a courthouse wedding or a small, private wedding isn't a "real" wedding, and they demean those that actually value those legal vows they took in a smaller setting. They demean their "real" wedding and they day they said those legal vows to their partner and became married.
But, you seem to have done it right. So, there's no need to have an attitude about Knotties being against all vow renewals, because that's not the case. Vow renewals are awesome. Having a celebration of marriage is awesome. Disregarding your "legal wedding" to now have a big PPD "real wedding" is where people here have issue. (FYI, legal & real wedding are the same thing).
Congratulations on your wedding and vow renewal, not that any comments I could see on your original thread were in any way rude.