Moved in with the fiancé and things aren't going great

flutteringinfl

Notice how when you talk about your problems you're not saying anything like, "But FI is the one shining beacon of hope in this mess and if I didn't have him it would make all of this unbearable." Instead, he seems to be lumped in with the bad things. You've decided that for some reason, you have to stay even though you're very unhappy. You don't. I'll say it again and again. You don't.

lacqueredlover

You are excellent at making excuses to stay.  So you will stay and have this be one more thing on the list to be unhappy about.  Only you can change your situation, and until you decide to do so (which I hope is before you get married and have kids) then you will stay being unhappy and unfulfilled with this man, who the best things you have to say about him are that you both want to have families, a farm and you like a man in uniform.

Until you decided that you deserve to be happy and excited about the person you are with, you will remain in this unhappy relationship.  I feel sorry that you can't see you deserve better, no matter how hard it might be for a short while.

novella1186

lacqueredlover said:

You are excellent at making excuses to stay.  So you will stay and have this be one more thing on the list to be unhappy about.  Only you can change your situation, and until you decide to do so (which I hope is before you get married and have kids) then you will stay being unhappy and unfulfilled with this man, who the best things you have to say about him are that you both want to have families, a farm and you like a man in uniform.

Until you decided that you deserve to be happy and excited about the person you are with, you will remain in this unhappy relationship.  I feel sorry that you can't see you deserve better, no matter how hard it might be for a short while.

I think the bolded hits the nail on the head. You don't seem to understand that you deserve so much more than this, and it makes me really sad for you. 

sarahufl

I had lots and lots of crap going on in my life when I met my H. Cancer, death of family members, my sister losing two pregnancies, more death, more cancer.

But he was always the one who made things BETTER for me. Not worse. I always said- wow, there is a lot of crap going on in my life right now, but at least I have him to lean on.

He shouldn't be a burden.

l9i

sarahufl said:

I had lots and lots of crap going on in my life when I met my H. Cancer, death of family members, my sister losing two pregnancies, more death, more cancer.

But he was always the one who made things BETTER for me. Not worse. I always said- wow, there is a lot of crap going on in my life right now, but at least I have him to lean on.

He shouldn't be a burden.

QFT

I went through some really rough family issues during the first year of dating with my now H.  H was the one that made it better and bearable because he supported and was there for me when others weren't.  It was never "I have x,y, and z making me miserable and on top of that H is being a real PINA too and isn't supportive". 

KatieinBkln

mrsamandalynn said:

I have a lot to gain and a lot to lose all at the same time. I feel like my entire life is kinda crashing before my eyes and if I do this now I'll just completely lose my mind. My grandfather is dying, I'm working 2 jobs while going to school, the sorority just extended our new member process 2wks for "poor performance" and I'm still dealing with my car accident from last month. My fiancé just lost his job and I feel like I'm royally screwed.

@mrsamandalynn, it sounds like you are feeling pretty trapped right now. It can be nearly impossible to get out of that trap when you're in it and feeling alone.

Please--check into your university's counseling programs. I guarantee you they have one, or at least have resources to guide you in the right direction. If you tell a qualified counselor or therapist what you're telling us, they can help you work through it and get to a point where you don't feel so paralyzed. I promise you this. But in my experience, when a person is feeling the way you are feeling, they need someone In Real Life to talk to and work with. All the well-meaning internet advice in the world may not be helpful. 

Please, please, go see if you can talk to someone. It doesn't mean you're the problem or the "mess" here, but it does mean that a counselor can help you untangle the practical things that need to be done from the emotional things that are keeping you paralyzed. 

mrsamandalynn

All of you can easily make this decision because your lives aren't the ones in jeopardy. If I could get back to where I was in January I'd be happy for the rest of my life. He's been a great confidant, he's the man who convinced me to be comfortable in my own skin and helped me through more dark things than I'd care to get into. He stayed with me through 2 bouts of depression. I know first hand that people don't always want to feel the way they do. It changes the way you act and you can't even help it. So yeah, I feel like I owe him some time. He gave me more than I deserved.

larrygaga

larrygaga

mrsamandalynn said:

All of you can easily make this decision because your lives aren't the ones in jeopardy. If I could get back to where I was in January I'd be happy for the rest of my life. He's been a great confidant, he's the man who convinced me to be comfortable in my own skin and helped me through more dark things than I'd care to get into. He stayed with me through 2 bouts of depression. I know first hand that people don't always want to feel the way they do. It changes the way you act and you can't even help it. So yeah, I feel like I owe him some time. He gave me more than I deserved.

There were like 6 women on this board who nearly died of cancer this year and are still fighting it. 

bethsmiles

Um...no he didn't give you more than you deserve. He acted like a loving/supportive significant other which is what everyone deserves.

If you don't want to end the relationship, that is you choice. But in that case you need to be some sort of couples therapy because clearly there are issues in your relationship. Are you opposed to therapy for some reason because if these issues are fixable then getting some outside perspective/help can be a major factor in whether you stick it out in a shitty relationship because you feel like you owe him (which you don't) or getting back to the place you were in January.

And, many of the ladies here have made some fucking hard life decisions. They are incredibly strong and know (much better than you seem to) what sort of strength it takes to make a decision like this. Multiple women have shared their stories with you, they know how hard it is. They also know it was the best decision they ever made because it gave them the chance to be happy.

southernbelle0915

mrsamandalynn said:

All of you can easily make this decision because your lives aren't the ones in jeopardy. If I could get back to where I was in January I'd be happy for the rest of my life. He's been a great confidant, he's the man who convinced me to be comfortable in my own skin and helped me through more dark things than I'd care to get into. He stayed with me through 2 bouts of depression. I know first hand that people don't always want to feel the way they do. It changes the way you act and you can't even help it. So yeah, I feel like I owe him some time. He gave me more than I deserved.

I'm in full support of you leaving this guy but I'm starting to think this is MUD. Stay or go, up to you. You are wonderful at making excuses. Once you are ready to see through the bullshit and find happiness, you'll leave. Until then, good luck.

holyguacamole79

mrsamandalynn said:

All of you can easily make this decision because your lives aren't the ones in jeopardy. If I could get back to where I was in January I'd be happy for the rest of my life. He's been a great confidant, he's the man who convinced me to be comfortable in my own skin and helped me through more dark things than I'd care to get into. He stayed with me through 2 bouts of depression. I know first hand that people don't always want to feel the way they do. It changes the way you act and you can't even help it. So yeah, I feel like I owe him some time. He gave me more than I deserved.

Do you mean where YOU were in January, or where HE was in January? And as @larrygaga said, there are several women here with cancer and have (or have had) points where their lives are in jeopardy. I also have been through depression and have been on hormone therapy, so I can attest to the fact that people can act differently based on other conditions. But here's the thing ... I never told my husband that he couldn't go out. I didn't control him the way that you say that your FI is controlling you. And whIle I was in that state, I knew that my mood was altered by medication and I apologized for the times that I was a bitch to my husband. Has he apologized for how he treated you? Has he admitted to attempting to control you?

Here's the thing. Do you OWE him more time? No. It sounds like you feel like you should give him more time. But here's the thing ... you should be able to give him that time on your terms, not his. You said that he's not open to talking s break, and it doesn't sound like he admits that anything is wrong. So why do you think things will change?

beethery

mrsamandalynn said:

All of you can easily make this decision because your lives aren't the ones in jeopardy. If I could get back to where I was in January I'd be happy for the rest of my life. He's been a great confidant, he's the man who convinced me to be comfortable in my own skin and helped me through more dark things than I'd care to get into. He stayed with me through 2 bouts of depression. I know first hand that people don't always want to feel the way they do. It changes the way you act and you can't even help it. So yeah, I feel like I owe him some time. He gave me more than I deserved.

You listen here missy, I went through the same shit (with physical abuse as well) when I was 21 and I ROLLED THE FUCK OUT.

You can too, and you owe it to yourself.

penguin44

mrsamandalynn said:

All of you can easily make this decision because your lives aren't the ones in jeopardy. If I could get back to where I was in January I'd be happy for the rest of my life. He's been a great confidant, he's the man who convinced me to be comfortable in my own skin and helped me through more dark things than I'd care to get into. He stayed with me through 2 bouts of depression. I know first hand that people don't always want to feel the way they do. It changes the way you act and you can't even help it. So yeah, I feel like I owe him some time. He gave me more than I deserved.

So you are staying with him because you feel like you owe him? 

esstee33

mrsamandalynn said:

All of you can easily make this decision because your lives aren't the ones in jeopardy. If I could get back to where I was in January I'd be happy for the rest of my life. He's been a great confidant, he's the man who convinced me to be comfortable in my own skin and helped me through more dark things than I'd care to get into. He stayed with me through 2 bouts of depression. I know first hand that people don't always want to feel the way they do. It changes the way you act and you can't even help it. So yeah, I feel like I owe him some time. He gave me more than I deserved.

There are 7 billion people on this planet, and you're one of many who've had to deal with this exact situation. You either suck it up, accept his abusive behavior, and marry the turd, accepting that you're giving him carte blanche to continue treating you like this for the rest of your life, or you put on your big girl panties, decide you deserve to actually be happy, and go. 

Unless you have a TARDIS or some shit, YOU CAN'T GO BACK TO JANUARY. Stop wishing it was like it was back then; it's not now, and sitting around wishing you could turn back time is accomplishing you nothing. 

chibiyui

mrsamandalynn said:

All of you can easily make this decision because your lives aren't the ones in jeopardy. If I could get back to where I was in January I'd be happy for the rest of my life. He's been a great confidant, he's the man who convinced me to be comfortable in my own skin and helped me through more dark things than I'd care to get into. He stayed with me through 2 bouts of depression. I know first hand that people don't always want to feel the way they do. It changes the way you act and you can't even help it. So yeah, I feel like I owe him some time. He gave me more than I deserved.

I knew I was in a bad relationship when I was crying to my roommate and said "But he's good to me" and she replied "Oh, like any human being with common courtesy would.?"

I was terrified of breaking up with him because I was a senior and was convinced if I didn't find someone before graduation I would never find anyone. I was scared I'd end up alone if I didn't have a committed relationship before the real world and all those adult responsibilities hit. I ended up breaking up with him because I knew I deserved better. I graduated single. I dealt with the adult responsibilities and years (like, 3) later met H. I met him online. I almost didn't respond to him because he as in northern MD and I was planning to move back to Philly. 

Being single (well, dating along the way) was the best thing that could have happened to me. I did a lot of growing in college, but I did so much more growing after college. I became more discerning of partners. I learned what the fuck I actually wanted in a guy, cause what I went for at 21 is not at all what I ended up with. 

There are plenty of fish in the sea. And online dating can be a great way for you to browse for your "type" Hell, there's a fucking Farmersonly.com out there. 

Either way, if you stay with him or leave, you need to own it. Waffling will only make it worse.

lc07

I don't get it. What do you want our help with?

mrsdee15

mrsamandalynn said:

All of you can easily make this decision because your lives aren't the ones in jeopardy. If I could get back to where I was in January I'd be happy for the rest of my life. He's been a great confidant, he's the man who convinced me to be comfortable in my own skin and helped me through more dark things than I'd care to get into. He stayed with me through 2 bouts of depression. I know first hand that people don't always want to feel the way they do. It changes the way you act and you can't even help it. So yeah, I feel like I owe him some time. He gave me more than I deserved.

*screams into pillow*  I just can't even with this.

Is your life in jeopardy?  If so, that is a whole other discussion, and you need to get out immediately.  

It sounds like in the past he WAS great, helped you with depression, and so on.  That's great, but you really should consider counseling, either individual, couples, or both.  A supportive, loving partner will stick with you through this.  You've gotten some great advice from PPs.  

"I know first hand that people don't always want to feel the way they do. It changes the way you act and you can't even help it."  Like falling out of love with someone?  You can hope all you want, but that does not mean the feelings you had back whenever you said you two were happy will happen again.  This is not a bad thing.  It is life sometimes, unfortunately.

You don't owe him anything.  Relationships are give and take, and just because he was there for you a few times a long time back does not put you in his debt.  You're not happy.  Clearly there are issues.  If nothing else, try counseling.  I honestly don't know why you even asked at this point, a lot of people put some very personal stuff out there to try to help you and you just make more excuses. 

/Dee out.

steph861

Let's turn the situation around for a minute. Is it really fair to a partner if you stay with them because you feel like you owe them? For the purposes of this thought exercise, it doesn't matter how he treats you. Even if he treated you like a queen, the fact remains that you're staying out of perceived obligation, not love.

Your excuses keep coming back to your feelings of obligation. If you're not ready to accept that YOU deserve better (which you do), at least recognize that you're not actually doing the other person a favour by staying.

I'm not saying you should leave because he deserves to be with somebody that's in love with him. What I'm saying is that neither party is benefiting from this relationship, so your feelings of obligation are misguided at best.

zitiqueen

Did you even bother to read anything anybody wrote? Damn near everybody here has been exactly where you are. EXACTLY.

Fine, stay with him and marry him and have millions of his babies. Nobody understands your lyfe!! You just hang in there, girl *pats head* Everything will work out all right.

Is that what you want to hear? Just remember, by choosing to stay with him, you forfeit the right to complain about the way he treats you. When you get accepted into the sorority and want to go to an event and he forbids it, be sure to give him a big hug and kiss and thank him for treating you like a child, because that's the life you're choosing. When you make a new friend at college and want to have lunch with her and he forbids it because some other girl cheated on her boyfriend, be sure to give him another big hug and kiss and thank him for not trusting you because of the actions of others, because that's what you're giving him permission to do. When you graduate from college and get a job offer that might move you away from his comfort zone and he refuses to move and insists that you keep working your two piddly-ass minimum wage jobs, keep hugging and kissing him and thanking him for symbolically chaining you to a wall in the basement and not allowing you to live your life to the fullest, because again, you're the one who is allowing him to treat you this way.

climbingsingle

Why did you come here looking for advice? You obviously don't want any kind of help. 

charlieyankee03

When I was younger, I thought that I would finish high school, go to college for 4 years, where I would meet the man that would become my husband, marry him at 22 and live the rest of our blissful lives in Eastern PA with our 2.5 kids (or whatever it is you're supposed to have these days).

Instead, I realized that I was doing what was expected of me, not what I wanted. So after 2 years of college I broke up with my boyfriend and decided I wanted to go to college somewhere else. I picked a region, googled every college around, and packed my bags. I moved 13 hours away from everything I'd ever known, just because I needed to finally do something for me. 

I started over at 20. Then again at 25 when I was in a relationship I didn't see progressing. Now I'm 29 and engaged to marry a man that still gives me butterflies. He's 35 and no stranger to starting over either. In no way do I feel like I'm too late to the game. I could have been married at 22 like my 15-year-old self planned. But I had living to do and I never felt like I could do it with those other guys. Now I could go anywhere, do anything, be anything, and as long as I have FI next to me I'll be happy.

It's never easy to start over. It can feel like the hardest thing you'll ever do. But the higher the hill, the better the view.

ETA: I've heard many stories about verbal abuse becoming physical after marriage. I sincerely hope you don't end up there.

lacqueredlover

You don't want help, you want us to say "oh of course you're right, you owe it to him to stay."

Well, that's not gonna happen.  You're being ridiculous and acting, quite frankly, like a child stamping their foot and going "but you don't know me.  Wah."  You're right, we don't, but we know what you've told us and what you've told us is pretty shitty.

We can't help you if you won't help yourself and you'd rather sit here and fight with strangers on the internet and wish for January rather than actually deal with real life and your current situation.  When you're ready to actually be an adult and confront your situation head on, I"m sure all of us here will be happy to help.  While you continue to post dramatic things and then pout when you don't get the responses you want, nothing can be done.

And for the record, him "staying with you while you have depression" isn't doing more than you deserve, it's being a supportive partner.  Until YOU realize your own self worth, you will continue putting up with a shitty partner because you don't believe that you deserve better.

hikebikebemerry

FWIW, one of my best friends married a guy because he really helped her through a hard time and he treated her well.

They got married in 2011.  They filed for divorce a few days before their second anniversary.*

Food for thought.

Either decide that this is a bump in the road and go to counseling so that you may move past it, and work through any issues, or decide that you are not in the relationship for the right reasons and move on.

*ETA: My point to this was that you shouldn't get married because you feel that you owe someone.  Chances are there is a lot more going on in the relationship, and you may be using the feelings that you didn't deserve to have someone be good to you when your partner was/ you owe someone/ etc. as a way to cover up some deeper issues (such as- controlling behaviors, lack of communication, lack of respect/ support for individual goals).

princessofgenovia

When I was 20 I started dating this guy. See I had just been dumped by the "love of my life" and after bouncing around in a few beds decided to start dating this really sweet guy. He was there for me and understood me and helped me.

Then he started making this comments. Like, I had an abortion at 17, and when he found out about he made a comment about how he could never allow his woman to do that. But I brushed it off. He loved me, he was good to me, he helped me. 

Then he started complaining about my sorority because I used to date one of my sisters. He said he just knew I was going to cheat on him. So I never let myself be alone with her. Ever. Even though she was (and is because she's fantastic) one of my best friends.

And he really hated my plans to go to grad school when I finished my undergrad. He wanted us to get married and he wanted kids. Didn't I care about his wants? 

Then I came back to my place tipsy one night, he was there waiting for me (he did not have a key, he broke in) and he was pissed. See I wasn't supposed to go out with my boys to the drag show because he thought it was wrong. And I smelled like another girl's perfume, so I must have been cheating on him. So he grabbed and screamed into my face that I would behave myself and that I was his woman and when I left the house I was representing him and I needed to keep myself in line. Then he threw me on the floor.

It was at this point one of the boys I'd been out with shoved him out the door then looked at me and said "Honey, dump him. You might die alone. But if you stay with him you'll kill your soul" and then passed out in my bed. 

But he was a great guy! He helped me when I went through some shitty stuff. But damn it was treating me like I was fucking garbage. He was using what I went through against me. 

My FI now, has never done any of that. And he still helps me and supports me and loves me and doesn't expect me to be anything other then myself. He doesn't make me feel guilty or like I owe him for being there for me. He's just there for me. Because he's my partner. He's my teammate. He's going to help me and I'm going to help him and no one is going to keep score. Because that's love. Making you feel like you owe him because he helped you, that's not love. That's control.

novella1186

I just can't with this anymore. OP, I would genuinely love to hear from you that you're seeing a counselor, and/or that you got yourself out of your bad situation. But I don't think that's going to happen. Best of luck.

bride2b71614

Holy crap, ten pages later and you aren't receptive to responses. I get it, you are scared to start over, and it feels like your life is crashing around you, and you are worried about finances, and you love him, etc.  NEWS FLASH: the man you wanted to marry has changed, there is no guarantee that he will turn back into the person he was last January. The reasons you stated above are not enough to stay in this relationship. You are very young, and you really have your whole life ahead of you. PPs have suggested that you either break up with him, or you attend counseling.

I would like to point out that you are lucky to have witnessed his behavior as it is right now. Do you want to marry him like this? Would you be willing to stay with a boy who behaves like this for your entire lives together? I don't think so. I hope that you will take our words into consideration, and will choose to work on yourself to gain the confidence you need to leave, OR attend couples counseling together to get this ironed out before you get married. 

I wish you the best. 

phira

Honestly, it's super easy to get defensive when you're in an unhealthy relationship. Whatever the OP decides to do with the information at hand, the fact is, it's her choice. I think it's worth validating her feelings regarding the red flags--it isn't okay that he's controlling her behavior, it isn't okay that he yells at her when she doesn't put a coffee mug away immediately; it isn't okay that he's changed so much and she feels trapped.

OP: What you're dealing with is not a healthy relationship. I strongly recommend counseling, not because I want you to break up and the counselor will make that happen, but because clearly something is wrong.

lilacck28

I'm on page 7 of this 10 page thread ... and I really feel like I'm missing something.

Here's what I've taken away from 7 pages:
1. you're young, 21, with at least a year left before you finish college
2. you moved in with your fiance and are experiencing growing pains with that (ie, different styles of cleanliness. ETA: he shouldn't yell at you. You guys should learn to talk about these differences calmly and make compromises)
3. He wants to know where you are when you're out late at night
4. you're not very happy in the relationship, but want to be married
5. you're scared about getting a job and finding a life partner. You want that figured out right now.
5. you like that he pays your entire rent
6. you're going to at least stick it out until he isn't around and is deployed and paying your entire rent

so, basically, you're really young and not sure you want to marry him... and you're mooching off of him.

I agree with PP. Break up. You're not happy, you're young. You're not stuck. Your dating pool may be small now, but it seems like you have a lot of growing to do before you're ready for a healthy, committed relationship anyway. ETA: Just because someone was good to you in the past, or is currently an amazing human being, doesn't mean s/he is the right partner for you.

I feel like I've missed where there was evidence that he was a horrible controlling guy. I want to know where my FI has been when he was out late at night too. And I'd be super pissed if he was out late and didn't tell me he was going to be and I heard nothing from him-- I'd have been really worried about him.

 My FI is in graduate school. If he stayed out late studying, or went out for drinks with people, but didn't tell me he was doing that, I'd also be pissed. It's common courtesy to let your SO know what you're up to so they don't worry about the ditch scenario. OP never said that her FI knew where she was and then got angry at her for being with those people instead of him. She just said that she was out late with her Sorority galls and he was mad at her. Missing information.

 If he is a controlling, bad, abusive guy and I just missed the evidence when I was reading these posts, then I'm sorry, and I'm with the PP. But 'm going to be very honest and harsh here. The only thing I've seen evidence for is that you, OP, are a brat. More specifically, a scared girl that wants to be done growing up rather than focusing on learning about the world, that is also very happy about taking advantage of her fiance. 

ETA: okay. I finished the 10 pages. I think you all have given great advice for a person in a potentially abusive relationship/ an unhappy relationship, but I still can't figure out where this particular guy is borderline abusive. It sounds to me that he, like OP, is young. That OP was once in love with this guy, and now isn't ... because they both grew and changed and weren't the right fit so they didn't grow and change together.

And, at the risk of sounding like more of a jerk: I also quite dislike sororities and fraternities. OP never said her FI was forbidding her from participating, only that he didn't like it. I wasn't dating my FI when we were in college, but I wouldn't like it if my FI or BF was in a frat either. That doesn't make me abusive or not okay with any of his interests besides the things that involve me. It just means I don't like frats.

mrsamandalynn

Well he "lost" my ring this week while taking it for its semiannual inspection for insurance purposes. So maybe he's actually starting to get the point that when I said things weren't going well, that I meant it. Because I honestly do not believe that it's actually lost.