Well... I just got gutted. - Update in thread

steph861

I don't even know what to say regarding your update, other than you deserve so much better. Lots of hugs, puppies, and chocolate to you!

mrstrevor15

novella1186 said:

UPDATE:

 

So my sister ended up responding, with one of the longest, most vile, most hate-filled e-mails I've ever seen. (And none of you are surprised). She made it clear that she is "not sorry for her words" (all those insults and nasty names she called me) because she was "just being honest." 

It seemed like a lot of her rage was coming from the fact that I hadn't been letting her control my wedding. Well, how dare I. And also because her boyfriend told her to be mad at me. So, there's that. 

She then reiterated several times that my entire family hates me and they all think I'm a terrible person so it's all of them against me, and they now know I've been a terrible person my whole life, etc etc (which she also repeated several times during her original drunken tirade while my mom sat there and let her say that). 

She also said several things that made it very clear that my mom has been talking trash about me to my sister. How lovely. 

So, there. I got my closure. I'm done now. 

I cried hysterically for a while and asked FI several times if I'm a terrible person. Of course he kept saying no, and I know really that the answer is no, but my sister has always had a way of getting into my head like that and making me doubt myself because she always insults me in a way that the insults are coming from EVERYONE, not just her (Like when we were kids: "Everyone thinks you're ugly. All your friends told me they don't even like you" etc etc). Didn't sleep last night. Now I feel like a zombie. 

But honestly, I feel better. I'm still mad. I still think she's a crazy raving bitch. But like I said, I got my closure and now I'm done. No need to waste anymore time on her. Thanks again for all the advice and support. You guys have been a huge help. 

I have been reading all of this, and honestly, just cut your sis out of your life and wedding. Have a convo with your mom, and tell her that your sis is no longer invited and if she (mom) can't accept that, she does not have to be there either.

It sucks, but is this how you want to start your life with you husband? You always crying and him having to console you (not trying to be mean at all!). What I mean by that is, she sounds like a CONSTANT source of stress and pain, and not only is it effecting you, but also you FH. No one needs that much drama in their life. Dump her, and if your mom can't respect your wishes, then put her on the back burner for a long while to cool off. Remember this... people treat you how you allow them to treat you.

hellosweetie1015

Oh, Novella. That's so so awful. But I guess you know where you stand with her, for 1000000% sure, now. Closure and resolution?

WARNING: This is gonna sound insane. It really is. But: Keep that email. Don't open it ever again if you don't have to, but if for some reason you ever think, "I should contact Sister to see if maybe we can have a normal relationship," that email is there to remind you of why you don't speak, and why the ball is forever in her court to contact you, and that until she gets her head out of her ass, or treatment for whatever personality disorder (if any) that's fueling her Asshole Disorder, or SOMETHING, you guys will never have a healthy relationship and your life is much, much better for it.

I would also make damn sure that security/a big scary BIL/somebody who knows karate/SOMEONE knows what she looks like and is prepared to remove her on sight, no questions asked. I would be done with giving her chances. I wouldn't say anything about her (not) being MOH to her - because it'll just give her another opportunity to be a raging bitch - but I also wouldn't give her any opportunity to come around you on what is supposed to be the happiest day of your life.

ETA: You are most definitely not a terrible person. She's your big sister. She's that person you looked up to when you were younger and didn't know any better. Unfortunately, she is a terrible person (no matter what else she is, she is certainly that) and she has abused that position of relative power to the point where I've seen fascist, tyrannical dictators seem less corrupt. I understand how the things siblings say can worm their way into your head, but I don't think at this point she should count as anything more than a stranger who happens to look a little like you. 

mikenberger

Well that is email is probably the best email you've gotten in your entire life! Hooray! Trust me. I haven't been into the screwdrivers yet (vodka orange juice for you type that don't drink before noon.)

Your sister is a machine. A machine fueled on your sadness, your ever sinking self esteem, your misery. You give her your emotion and she grows. And grows. And grows. Until she's like that damn plant from Little Shop of Horrors: "Feed me, Novella! Feed me!"

Well, I kill plants like it's my job. Even plastic ones, I'm equal opportunity like that. And you can be a plant killer too. You kill a plant by cutting off its food. You are the food. And with that email, she basically told you "I don't need you anymore! I'm big enough without you but you'll never leave me. So I can say whatever I want and I know, you'll reply and I'll get my satisfaction again."

Time to cut off the damn plant. Don't respond, don't feed it. She'll try to lure you, she might even act like she's changed. Don't fall for it. She is the same plant that's been trying to eat you for years. Just keep on doing you and she'll either turn her sights on another food source or she'll just wither away all together. Either way, you get to keep all your limbs

Now if I could gif, I would. But alas, mobile still blows.

l9i

SIB

Edited because clearly I didn't read the last update....

So sorry you have to endure this. *HUGS*  You're strong, have a wonderful FI and will get through this.  HE is your family.  It took me a few years after the worst fallout with my brother (again also a mom who favors one) to come to terms and accept I did all I could.  Seriously, to an extent I wasn't allowed to go on family vacations because of this issues my brother made up that I'd caused.  True Story.  My dad knew gave me a wonderful peice of advice.  One thing he said stuck out and made me actually understand something and I swear in that moment I could begin the process of letting go and healing....

-There are three things you can do, change yourself, change them, or remove yourself from the situation.  Don't change yourself because you're a wonderful person and I hate to see this negativity ruin you.  You can try all you want, but you'll never change someone that doesn't want to change.  So, you have your answer.  You accept it, move on, and focus on being the best you can be.

doeydo

Re the update: wow.  I am so sorry she is such a bitch to you.  Let me tell you right now, no you are not a terrible person and none of that stuff she said is true.  

lmcooper86

UGH I'm so sorry that she couldn't just leave it at her previous (useless) response.

No one deserves shit like this and I think you're right to just walk away, knowing that you tried to repair this relationship harder and for longer than she deserved.

Are you SURE that your mom has been saying shit too? Is it possible that your sister is just making that all up to fuel her own arguments? It's not acceptable either way, and I truly hope that your mom doesn't try to twist you into trying to make amends with your sister again (especially if she has been talking about you to your sister and has encouraged your sister's behavior in any way).

My sister and I are pretty awesome, we will take you on as a third sibling if you want!! Big hug, I'm so sorry you've had to deal with this.

theycallmelinz

Jesus christ novella. What a fucking thundercunt. Maybe this is what you needed to be finally done. You have what sounds like an amazing FI who has your back and you're marrying into a good family, so fuck those bitches and their psychotic drama.

OliveOilsMom

Novella, I'm sorry that was the email your sister sent to you.  You did not deserve that crazy served with a side of hate.

Unfortunetly, you know your sister is on another level right now and not good for you or your life.  Block her email and her phone number. 

Also, be prepared for your mom to reach out to you about this incident.  I know you aren't speaking with her, but I'm sure she will still try to contact you.  Practice now what you will say to her, if and when you decide to take her phone call.

I also agree with others that you need to consider a new therapist.

novella1186

lmcooper86 said:

UGH I'm so sorry that she couldn't just leave it at her previous (useless) response.

No one deserves shit like this and I think you're right to just walk away, knowing that you tried to repair this relationship harder and for longer than she deserved.

Are you SURE that your mom has been saying shit too? Is it possible that your sister is just making that all up to fuel her own arguments? It's not acceptable either way, and I truly hope that your mom doesn't try to twist you into trying to make amends with your sister again (especially if she has been talking about you to your sister and has encouraged your sister's behavior in any way).

My sister and I are pretty awesome, we will take you on as a third sibling if you want!! Big hug, I'm so sorry you've had to deal with this.

There was one time that my mom and I got into a pretty nasty fight, and my mom said something that was totally below the belt (the was RIGHT after my sister attacked me) so I lashed out and said that she and my sister shouldn't come to the wedding. I immediately apologized because I knew that was a really mean thing to say and I didn't mean it. 

In my sister's email she said "mom told me you uninvited me to the wedding." 

There were a few things like that that made it pretty clear that my mom has been running to my sister and saying things. (And a few of the things were worse than that, but that could very well be my sister twisting it around) 

hellosweetie1015

lmcooper86 said:

UGH I'm so sorry that she couldn't just leave it at her previous (useless) response.

No one deserves shit like this and I think you're right to just walk away, knowing that you tried to repair this relationship harder and for longer than she deserved.

Are you SURE that your mom has been saying shit too? Is it possible that your sister is just making that all up to fuel her own arguments? It's not acceptable either way, and I truly hope that your mom doesn't try to twist you into trying to make amends with your sister again (especially if she has been talking about you to your sister and has encouraged your sister's behavior in any way).

My sister and I are pretty awesome, we will take you on as a third sibling if you want!! Big hug, I'm so sorry you've had to deal with this.

First bolded: If she does (and I suspect she will, just from past posts) - cut her off. If mom wants a relationship, it can't be tied to whether or not you and Sis have a relationship. Your mother will hopefully come around if she realizes you're serious, but I don't see your sister doing so. So be sure your mom knows that Sis is not a subject of discussion, and if she so much as says her name, you're hanging up, won't be calling again, and will not answer if she calls. And then follow through with it, every time. Condition her to know what you'll do if she does it, and if she wants a relationship with you, she'll do it. (Although frankly if my mom were talking shit about me to anyone, she'd be cut out anyway. Seriously that's so much fucking bullshit.)

Second bolded: I've already got a bunch of "adopted siblings" - come join the crowd! We're good peeps. Couple of stoners, you know, and we've pretty much all got tattoos and extra piercings and some of us have odd hair colors, but we're all nice!

beethery

Oh lord jesus. I'm gonna type out a long one once I get back to the office

mrstrevor15

novella1186 said:

lmcooper86 said:

UGH I'm so sorry that she couldn't just leave it at her previous (useless) response.

No one deserves shit like this and I think you're right to just walk away, knowing that you tried to repair this relationship harder and for longer than she deserved.

Are you SURE that your mom has been saying shit too? Is it possible that your sister is just making that all up to fuel her own arguments? It's not acceptable either way, and I truly hope that your mom doesn't try to twist you into trying to make amends with your sister again (especially if she has been talking about you to your sister and has encouraged your sister's behavior in any way).

My sister and I are pretty awesome, we will take you on as a third sibling if you want!! Big hug, I'm so sorry you've had to deal with this.

There was one time that my mom and I got into a pretty nasty fight, and my mom said something that was totally below the belt (the was RIGHT after my sister attacked me) so I lashed out and said that she and my sister shouldn't come to the wedding. I immediately apologized because I knew that was a really mean thing to say and I didn't mean it. 

In my sister's email she said "mom told me you uninvited me to the wedding." 

There were a few things like that that made it pretty clear that my mom has been running to my sister and saying things. (And a few of the things were worse than that, but that could very well be my sister twisting it around) 

Yeah, they both sound manipulative. If I were you, I would block her and your mom from social media and all other forms of connection you have with them. Also, you shouldn't have felt bad or taken back what you said about uninviting them. If they can insult you and treat you like a street rat, then they can sit in the gutter while you are having the time of your life at your wedding!

huskypuppy14

So sorry Novella. Like other posters said, you need to be done with your sister. That's it. If she ever wants to appologize maybe you'll talk to her again, but do not make the first move. 

Same with your mom. Your parents enable your sister, so they don't deserve your company either. They clearly picked sides (or at least your Mom), so let them have that side. 

Personally, I wouldn't invite them to the wedding either (I'm assuming your parents are not paying?)

This may have been asked before, but why don't you and your FI elope?

plainjane0415

@novella1186 I think it's time to seriously distance yourself from her for a while.  I wouldn't make any more moves.  You did your part in reaching out to her, and that didn't go well.  She needs to recognize what an awful person she is, and reach out TO YOU. One day, she will look back on all of this and feel terrible that she ruined a relationship with you. I don't know you IRL, but from here, I think you are an amazing lady.  You have done all you could do up to this point, you have been the bigger person, and now it's time for your sister to reach out to you.  Nothing you have done is wrong at all...Just go on with life without her and plan a fabulous wedding!  ****more hugs***

novella1186

This just sucks. I have that feeling like there's a big weight on my chest and I can't breathe. It's not even the fact that my sister is such an evil bitch. I've always known that, so whatever. It's the fact that she's manipulating my parents and turning it into a situation where it's all of them against me. I honestly feel like I lost my whole family. And it just fucking sucks. 

mrstrevor15

novella1186 said:

This just sucks. I have that feeling like there's a big weight on my chest and I can't breathe. It's not even the fact that my sister is such an evil bitch. I've always known that, so whatever. It's the fact that she's manipulating my parents and turning it into a situation where it's all of them against me. I honestly feel like I lost my whole family. And it just fucking sucks. 

What would you do if your husband was the one in this situation. Think about what you would want him to do, how it would feel to see him go through all this.What would you suggest he do about how he is being treated. Sometimes it's easier to see the solution, and be okay with it if you put someone else in your situation and take yourself out. Hope that can help a little

KatWAG

I am so sorry. Your sister is  a real ass-hat.

But I think the silver lining is that this bitch wont be standing up as your MOH anymore.

climbingsingle

I'm so sorry. But I'm glad you that feel that you have closure now. 

You are not a terrible person. You are a lovely, kind, caring person. That comes through in all of your posts.  

novella1186

lilmexi3 said:

novella1186 said:

This just sucks. I have that feeling like there's a big weight on my chest and I can't breathe. It's not even the fact that my sister is such an evil bitch. I've always known that, so whatever. It's the fact that she's manipulating my parents and turning it into a situation where it's all of them against me. I honestly feel like I lost my whole family. And it just fucking sucks. 

What would you do if your husband was the one in this situation. Think about what you would want him to do, how it would feel to see him go through all this.What would you suggest he do about how he is being treated. Sometimes it's easier to see the solution, and be okay with it if you put someone else in your situation and take yourself out. Hope that can help a little

Good point. I would probably tell him that if his parents are dumb enough to believe the shit his sister is saying, then fuck all of them. And I would also probably tell him to just distance himself from them all because it's not worth the trauma over and over and over. (same things you guys have been saying) It's always so easy when you're not the one in it. 

novella1186

ClimbingBrideNY said:

I'm so sorry. But I'm glad you that feel that you have closure now. 

You are not a terrible person. You are a lovely, kind, caring person. That comes through in all of your posts.  

Thank you for that. 

Inkdancer

huskypuppy14 said:

So sorry Novella. Like other posters said, you need to be done with your sister. That's it. If she ever wants to appologize maybe you'll talk to her again, but do not make the first move. 

Same with your mom. Your parents enable your sister, so they don't deserve your company either. They clearly picked sides (or at least your Mom), so let them have that side. 

Personally, I wouldn't invite them to the wedding either (I'm assuming your parents are not paying?)

This may have been asked before, but why don't you and your FI elope?

I would agree with this but honestly, Novella and all the other wonderful people in her life shouldn't be punished because her mom and sister are being assbutts. Her FI's family sounds pretty awesome, and I'm sure her friends want to be at the wedding too.

phira

The thing is, maybe none of us are surprised, BUT I think that most of us understand why you tried to open the lines of communication. And I am so damn angry on your behalf. Because this isn't someone just "being honest." It's someone being cruel. Really cruel.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It can feel incredibly isolating when you have such a terrible family situation. But as this thread has demonstrated, you are so not alone!!

It can sometimes be hard for someone from a more intact family, like your fiancé, to understand the dynamics at play, but it sounds like he's doing a really wonderful job so far of supporting you and letting you vent and be angry and sad. And I'm so glad that his family is so wonderful to you. You're a new family as well--the two of you--and you're not starting from scratch in terms of your support system.

Basically, I've got nothing but hugs over here.

flantastic

Novella, you know what you need to do - it's been reiterated a lot over this thread. I'll echo whoever said that they're really happy that you have your FI and his wonderful family.

Right now, talking to your sister (and your mom) hurts you. I love love love my siblings and my mom, and if any of them out of the blue decided to act crazily assholeish like that, it would take forever for me not to be seeking a reason or explanation or try to fix it, because I would miss dearly what had been. (One time in college, I got myself hysterical and nauseous over a baseless and continuing attack from a friend I didn't even like that much, because every time I tried to fix it, the situation seemed to get inexplicably worse. Everything I said, including apologies, was twisted into a new attack. I can't imagine if it had been an immediate family member.) But this email shows that this new pattern isn't going to change for them, so you need to back out. (SO MUCH TOUGHER THAN IT SOUNDS.)

Once you've gotten to a place (with a new therapist) where it can't hurt you any more if they spew their crazy, then it may be possible for you to rekindle those relationships, on your terms. But right now things are not on your terms and are going nowhere fast, so you have to break the cycle and just stop responding.

ETA and it's not fair at all, and that sucks, and I'm so sorry.

novella1186

Inkdancer said:

huskypuppy14 said:

So sorry Novella. Like other posters said, you need to be done with your sister. That's it. If she ever wants to appologize maybe you'll talk to her again, but do not make the first move. 

Same with your mom. Your parents enable your sister, so they don't deserve your company either. They clearly picked sides (or at least your Mom), so let them have that side. 

Personally, I wouldn't invite them to the wedding either (I'm assuming your parents are not paying?)

This may have been asked before, but why don't you and your FI elope?

I would agree with this but honestly, Novella and all the other wonderful people in her life shouldn't be punished because her mom and sister are being assbutts. Her FI's family sounds pretty awesome, and I'm sure her friends want to be at the wedding too.

I've been thinking a lot about eloping, but I'm afraid that might be a decision I'll always regret. I always wanted the (somewhat) traditional wedding with my friends and family there (as in relatives, obviously right now I wouldn't mind if immediate family was far far far away on my wedding day). I don't want to feel like I got screwed out of something I really wanted just because my psycho sister tormented me into canceling it. 

banana468

So many hugs. It's normal to mourn because you do feel like you lost something. That hardly means that it's smart to get it back.
I would remove your sister from your life entirely. She's personal non grata and I'd consider doing the same with your parents. They're all toxic to you and you need to get the toxins out of your system. The best way to avoid manipulation is to avoid the manipulators.

KatieinBkln

novella1186 said:

UPDATE:

 

So my sister ended up responding, with one of the longest, most vile, most hate-filled e-mails I've ever seen. (And none of you are surprised). She made it clear that she is "not sorry for her words" (all those insults and nasty names she called me) because she was "just being honest." 

It seemed like a lot of her rage was coming from the fact that I hadn't been letting her control my wedding. Well, how dare I. And also because her boyfriend told her to be mad at me. So, there's that. 

She then reiterated several times that my entire family hates me and they all think I'm a terrible person so it's all of them against me, and they now know I've been a terrible person my whole life, etc etc (which she also repeated several times during her original drunken tirade while my mom sat there and let her say that). 

She also said several things that made it very clear that my mom has been talking trash about me to my sister. How lovely. 

So, there. I got my closure. I'm done now. 

I cried hysterically for a while and asked FI several times if I'm a terrible person. Of course he kept saying no, and I know really that the answer is no, but my sister has always had a way of getting into my head like that and making me doubt myself because she always insults me in a way that the insults are coming from EVERYONE, not just her (Like when we were kids: "Everyone thinks you're ugly. All your friends told me they don't even like you" etc etc). Didn't sleep last night. Now I feel like a zombie. 

But honestly, I feel better. I'm still mad. I still think she's a crazy raving bitch. But like I said, I got my closure and now I'm done. No need to waste anymore time on her. Thanks again for all the advice and support. You guys have been a huge help. 

Oh honey. I am so sorry that you read that garbage, but I AM glad that you now have proof beyond a reasonable doubt that your sister is NEVER going to have a good relationship with you. Not only because she refuses to, but, I would hope, because you have enough self-respect to never engage with a person who speaks that way to you ever again.

Please, please block her email, her phone, unfriend her, the whole nine yards. You do not need to subject yourself to her communication ever again. If this means no holidays at home, then my vote is for you and your loving, kind FI to stay home and start making your own traditions. 

If your mom or dad ask why, you are welcome to forward this email, but with the caveat that you will not be discussing it any further--you are simply showing them the straw that broke your back.

Again, I am so sorry this is happening to you, but please know: it is a thing that is happening because your family is mentally ill. That doesn't mean you can't feel sorry for them (like, someday...wayyyy down the road) but it does mean that they are not healthy people for you to be around at the moment (possibly ever). They are broken, which is sad and all, but you are by NO MEANS obligated to break yourself, too.

Hugs, hugs, hugs.

KatieinBkln

KatieinBkln said:

Oh honey. I am so sorry that you read that garbage, but I AM glad that you now have proof beyond a reasonable doubt that your sister is NEVER going to have a good relationship with you. Not only because she refuses to, but, I would hope, because you have enough self-respect to never engage with a person who speaks that way to you ever again.

Please, please block her email, her phone, unfriend her, the whole nine yards. You do not need to subject yourself to her communication ever again. If this means no holidays at home, then my vote is for you and your loving, kind FI to stay home and start making your own traditions. 

If your mom or dad ask why, you are welcome to forward this email, but with the caveat that you will not be discussing it any further--you are simply showing them the straw that broke your back.

Again, I am so sorry this is happening to you, but please know: it is a thing that is happening because your family is mentally ill. That doesn't mean you can't feel sorry for them (like, someday...wayyyy down the road) but it does mean that they are not healthy people for you to be around at the moment (possibly ever). They are broken, which is sad and all, but you are by NO MEANS obligated to break yourself, too.

Hugs, hugs, hugs.

Oh, and one last thing: if you are worried about your parents buying her bullshit, that is all the more reason I would be happy to send them her email. Anyone who reads it and thinks, "Wow, Novella is totally the one with the problem here" is crazy. I think your parents are dysfunctional and have abusive patterns in their ways of relating to people, but I have a feeling even they aren't that nuts. Regardless of whether your sister has legit beef with you, it's NEVER okay to speak to someone the way she speaks to you. Point blank. This shouldn't have to be explained to your parents, but in the event that they try to mitigate it with something along the lines of "but Faaaaaaamily!" I can only think the best response is: "I'm sad about it too, but I am not going to let anyone speak to me that way, sister or not."

FiancB

Having been on the other side of the married bridge, I now know I'd be just as happy if we'd eloped. I always assumed I'd have a wedding with everyone we knew, and that's what we did and it was great. But if I had made the decision to elope, it's true what people say on here- we'd still be just as married. 

My family also is crazy (nothing like yours) and I have strongly distanced myself from them since the wedding, which they were nothing short of awful about. IDK if it would be comforting to you, but I think of H's family as my new one. I changed my name and haven't looked back. 

Hugs. 

lovedryn

novella1186 said:

This just sucks. I have that feeling like there's a big weight on my chest and I can't breathe. It's not even the fact that my sister is such an evil bitch. I've always known that, so whatever. It's the fact that she's manipulating my parents and turning it into a situation where it's all of them against me. I honestly feel like I lost my whole family. And it just fucking sucks. 

I'm sorry. Not to be cruel, but what fucking family did you lose? You lost a hateful bitch from Hell and a tattletale shit pot stirring troll's relationship. Sure they have genetic similarities to yourself, but DNA does not make a family.

A family loves each other, defends each other, fights for each other. They do not manipulate, abuse, or verbally and mentally assault each other. You are nothing more than easy prey for their need to inflict pain and guilt for this so called "family."

Stop getting inside your own head and take a moment to look back. You NEVER lost your family. Your family is still right there by your side holding your hand through all this. Putting up with genetic relatives bullshit and desperately wanting to end your suffering. Your FI is your family. He is still right there with you to love and support you. And from the sound of it, his family is right there with him.

What you did lose was an abusive bunch of asshats you enjoy torturing you for their amusement. You were nothing more to them than a bait dog at a dog fight. Your sole purpose to your mother and sister was to be ripped to shreds for sport. And the fact you lost that my dear is nothing to fret over.

Cry tears of joy to have finally escaped the abuse and shit you have spent your life in. Go out and have a drink to celebrate a new life of no longer being constantly run down and beaten. Make love to your FI! Enjoy the love and warmth of his embrace! Hell go do something crazy and fun because you just stinking can!

You are free novella! You just need to stop trying to hold on the that anchor that is drowning you. Trust me... You will be amazed at how much more life holds for you... How much happier and better it will be of you just let go and celebrate your freedom with your real family. Your FI.