Well... I just got gutted. - Update in thread

beethery

What has pissed me off about these posts is that you're the one seeking therapy about this. You've gotten pressure from your mom to resolve things with your dickhead sister. For what?

What are you going to get from resolving things with your sister, honestly? A long road of eggshells that might not even work when she decides you've spurned her again for some made-up reason? Making your mom (who is a piece of fucking work, herself) feel like she made it all happen by pushing you to apologize for nothing?

You're putting yourself through a whole bunch of bullshit for people who don't treat you right. A therapist who can't see that your fucked up sister isn't worth wasting time on is a waste of time (and money) his or herself.

I could see seeking therapy to come to closure with yourself after deciding that it's not worth the energy to try to please your deluded family, but instead, they've got you doing all the work. You're doing everything they fucking want you to, and it's not doing you a damn bit of good. You got a resolution when your sister slammed the door on the relationship for some shit she made up. 

You got a resolution when your mom couldn't see the crazy going on and faulted you for it, instead of leaving it up to you guys to figure out what you want to do.

You are a lot nicer than me, because I'd have stopped acknowledging that corral full of horses' asses a long time ago, instead of putting myself through the wringer just to get more shit to step in. A fuck off speech wouldn't even be necessary, because there's no use trying to talk to an asshole.

Whole lot of nope. What do YOU want from all of this?

Do you want a relationship where you are constantly kowtowing to their demands even if it isn't what is going to work for you? Do you want a lifetime of that? I sure wouldn't. You are your own boss, baby. You can make this better for yourself, and you ought to be your #1 focus.

SmileDamnit

I apologize in advance as I've only skimmed the tread after your OP, but assuming sis has a true disorder/mental illness and isn't just suffering from asshole fever, have you ever looked into NAMI resources for yourself? They offer family programs/resources that have been extremely helpful to our family when dealing with a mentally ill brother. Beyond that, all I've got is great, big ol hugs for you, girl!

novella1186

So this may be a really stupid question, but what do I do about her being MOH? I mean, I'm not gonna bring it up to her. But if she ends up bringing it up to me, do I tell her I don't want her to be around me anymore, or do I just say ok and let her be the MOH?

I honestly don't know what to do. Like I said, I feel so lost. If she brings it up and I kick her out, it might bring a whole shitstorm down on me. And make my mother come after me. Everyone gets more fuel and I'm their target. But if I leave her in, I feel like that's such a total lie, to have her stand up next to me in a "place of honor" as if she's my nearest and dearest when in reality she treats me worse than anyone I know.

Sorry, I know the "what if" game can be so stupid, but I'm one of those people that likes to feel prepared. Especially when it's something this dramatic and stupid. I don't want to get blind sided and do totally the wrong thing.

novella1186

beethery said:

What has pissed me off about these posts is that you're the one seeking therapy about this. You've gotten pressure from your mom to resolve things with your dickhead sister. For what?

What are you going to get from resolving things with your sister, honestly? A long road of eggshells that might not even work when she decides you've spurned her again for some made-up reason? Making your mom (who is a piece of fucking work, herself) feel like she made it all happen by pushing you to apologize for nothing?

You're putting yourself through a whole bunch of bullshit for people who don't treat you right. A therapist who can't see that your fucked up sister isn't worth wasting time on is a waste of time (and money) his or herself.

I could see seeking therapy to come to closure with yourself after deciding that it's not worth the energy to try to please your deluded family, but instead, they've got you doing all the work. You're doing everything they fucking want you to, and it's not doing you a damn bit of good. You got a resolution when your sister slammed the door on the relationship for some shit she made up. 

You got a resolution when your mom couldn't see the crazy going on and faulted you for it, instead of leaving it up to you guys to figure out what you want to do.

You are a lot nicer than me, because I'd have stopped acknowledging that corral full of horses' asses a long time ago, instead of putting myself through the wringer just to get more shit to step in. A fuck off speech wouldn't even be necessary, because there's no use trying to talk to an asshole.

Whole lot of nope. What do YOU want from all of this?

Do you want a relationship where you are constantly kowtowing to their demands even if it isn't what is going to work for you? Do you want a lifetime of that? I sure wouldn't. You are your own boss, baby. You can make this better for yourself, and you ought to be your #1 focus.

You are so wise, like always. I don't know what I wanted. Just for all the drama and awkwardness to end I guess? But I have no idea why I expected that to happen. If you could just be like my little Jiminy Cricket and ride around on my shoulder to remind me of this (for real you're my voice of reason, along with all these other wise knotites) that would be great.

phira

With my dad, I stopped contact entirely. That is, I didn't initiate contact unless it was absolutely necessary (and honestly, it rarely is), and I ignored his attempts at contact (unless, again, it was absolutely necessary).

With my grandparents, I've just stopped initiating contact, and my husband is now the person who deals with them (e.g. he wrote the thank you note for their wedding gift). This is pretty new, though.

beethery

novella1186 said:

So this may be a really stupid question, but what do I do about her being MOH? I mean, I'm not gonna bring it up to her. But if she ends up bringing it up to me, do I tell her I don't want her to be around me anymore, or do I just say ok and let her be the MOH?

I honestly don't know what to do. Like I said, I feel so lost. If she brings it up and I kick her out, it might bring a whole shitstorm down on me. And make my mother come after me. Everyone gets more fuel and I'm their target. But if I leave her in, I feel like that's such a total lie, to have her stand up next to me in a "place of honor" as if she's my nearest and dearest when in reality she treats me worse than anyone I know.

Sorry, I know the "what if" game can be so stupid, but I'm one of those people that likes to feel prepared. Especially when it's something this dramatic and stupid. I don't want to get blind sided and do totally the wrong thing.

If she can't bother talking to you, you don't really need to worry about it, do ya?

If she shows up in the dress to do the damn thing, super, but she better keep her crazy on mute. If she shows up and starts the cuckoo banana brigade, I hope you have someone to escort her ass out.

HaileyDancingbear

novella1186 said:

So I have a follow-up question. To those of you who have said that you had to distance yourself from people like this, and those people learned that if they treat you like garbage you're going to go away, and it helped:

Do I simply stop talking to her (which would pretty much be just continuing on with things as they are since we don't talk) or do I need to say something to her? Would I say something like "I'm sorry we couldn't resolve this but the way you speak to me is too hurtful blah blah blah so I won't be interacting with you until you can learn not to treat me like garbage." Or is that gonna trigger more backlash? But if I don't say something, does the point still get across? What would be the best way to go about that? 

You have done everything in your power to patch things up and try to do things the "Right" way.  But in a situation that can't be fixed, it doesn't matter how "Right" you are, you will always be the wrong one in your sister's eyes.

So take the approach that causes YOU the least amount of frustration, which I would suggest being just cutting off communication completely.  Given everything you said about your sister, she will twist every single word you say and use it against you, and she will go at you with a VENGEANCE- you know what pisses off a manipulative person the most?  Losing the person they manipulate.  She'll try to manipulate you into staying because you going means she loses her favorite person to blame for her own actions.  

You can avoid all that shit by just simply not giving her any words to twist around.  Even the most well-meaning, kind words are ammo for her to distort, give her no ammo, and while she may try to distort your silence into something she can use against you, she can only do so for so long- by providing her nothing new to work with, she'll run out of ways to distort it and find herself beating a dead horse.    

In my opinion, a point getting across is irrelevant.  Her becoming a better person, the kind worthy of even a second of your time, is entirely HER job.  Distancing yourself is entirely for YOUR mental health and happiness.  The point will get across if she thinks about how her actions have affected you.  If she doesn't, then it doesn't matter wether or not the point gets across, she's not ready to change her behavior until she DOES think about how it affects you, and feels remorse for the pain she's caused you.  

Just walk away and focus on yourself.  She'll either work her own shit out or not, but the important thing is that she won't be there to drag you down with her.  

HaileyDancingbear

novella1186 said:

So this may be a really stupid question, but what do I do about her being MOH? I mean, I'm not gonna bring it up to her. But if she ends up bringing it up to me, do I tell her I don't want her to be around me anymore, or do I just say ok and let her be the MOH?

I honestly don't know what to do. Like I said, I feel so lost. If she brings it up and I kick her out, it might bring a whole shitstorm down on me. And make my mother come after me. Everyone gets more fuel and I'm their target. But if I leave her in, I feel like that's such a total lie, to have her stand up next to me in a "place of honor" as if she's my nearest and dearest when in reality she treats me worse than anyone I know.

Sorry, I know the "what if" game can be so stupid, but I'm one of those people that likes to feel prepared. Especially when it's something this dramatic and stupid. I don't want to get blind sided and do totally the wrong thing.

I'd say this is one of the few situations in which "FUCK ETIQUETTE" is an entirely acceptable phrase for you to use, and that if you don't want her as MOH, she isn't your MOH anymore.  

I would assume the radio silence would make this not a concern- chances are that her being your MOH means she won't show up to your wedding just to spite you.  

But I do think it would be good to take a page out of Batman's book and have a contingency plan in case she DOES show up- give a photo of her to security and your vendors and tell them she is unstable and to watch out for her.  That way if she doesn't show up, it's a non-issue, and if she does, you know others are keeping an eye on her and any outburst big enough to disrupt things will result in her being thrown out before she REALLY has a chance to mess anything up.  Don't even tell anyone other than your FI you're doing that, just let it look like security doing their job when they kick her out.  

penguin44

HaileyDancingbear said:

novella1186 said:

So this may be a really stupid question, but what do I do about her being MOH? I mean, I'm not gonna bring it up to her. But if she ends up bringing it up to me, do I tell her I don't want her to be around me anymore, or do I just say ok and let her be the MOH?

I honestly don't know what to do. Like I said, I feel so lost. If she brings it up and I kick her out, it might bring a whole shitstorm down on me. And make my mother come after me. Everyone gets more fuel and I'm their target. But if I leave her in, I feel like that's such a total lie, to have her stand up next to me in a "place of honor" as if she's my nearest and dearest when in reality she treats me worse than anyone I know.

Sorry, I know the "what if" game can be so stupid, but I'm one of those people that likes to feel prepared. Especially when it's something this dramatic and stupid. I don't want to get blind sided and do totally the wrong thing.

I'd say this is one of the few situations in which "FUCK ETIQUETTE" is an entirely acceptable phrase for you to use, and that if you don't want her as MOH, she isn't your MOH anymore.  

I would assume the radio silence would make this not a concern- chances are that her being your MOH means she won't show up to your wedding just to spite you.  

But I do think it would be good to take a page out of Batman's book and have a contingency plan in case she DOES show up- give a photo of her to security and your vendors and tell them she is unstable and to watch out for her.  That way if she doesn't show up, it's a non-issue, and if she does, you know others are keeping an eye on her and any outburst big enough to disrupt things will result in her being thrown out before she REALLY has a chance to mess anything up.  Don't even tell anyone other than your FI you're doing that, just let it look like security doing their job when they kick her out.  

You're awesome. 

Hugs to you novella. I have been following along, but don't have any advice to offer. Luckily/unluckily my family's issues are in the generation above me. So I don't have to deal with the brother/sister/mother drama. I just ignore it. 

phira

Oh yeah. We had a friend of mine on "dad alert" in case my dad showed up. It was a friend of mine from childhood who knew what my dad looked like (when you're estranged from your dad for 10 years, not many friends have even met him!) and who was 100% on my side (she'd witnessed some of his behavior in the past). She knew that if she saw him, she should immediately tell the venue security, and I specifically asked that I not be informed if he did try to come to the wedding.

novella1186

phira said:

Oh yeah. We had a friend of mine on "dad alert" in case my dad showed up. It was a friend of mine from childhood who knew what my dad looked like (when you're estranged from your dad for 10 years, not many friends have even met him!) and who was 100% on my side (she'd witnessed some of his behavior in the past). She knew that if she saw him, she should immediately tell the venue security, and I specifically asked that I not be informed if he did try to come to the wedding.

Ugh. I'm sorry you had to deal with that. But it sounds like you did all the smart things and took the high road, and looked out for yourself through all of it. Which is exactly what I need to do.

FiancB

Novella, I don't have anything to add but hugs.

novella1186

Guys I feel so awful for FI. I picked him up from work and we went to the grocery store together. (I picked him up 25 minutes late because I was so thrown off from all this that I forgot I even had the car and I was sitting in the office waiting for him to pick me up, till he texted me to see if I was ok).

On our way to the store I filled him in on the text from my sister and told him I was so devastated. I really felt gutted. Like there was just nothing left in me. FI got so mad. He was like "I really hate your sister. Seeing you so upset and sad makes me upset and sad. This isn't ok." And he immediately wanted to DO something about it.

I told him I don't need him to DO anything. Just be there and listen, which he has and he's been so great about it. But then he said "I know. I know you don't need or want me to fix this. But no matter what you say, I WANT to fix it, because I can't stand seeing you upset. And I'm sick of having all of our time together ruined because this crazy bitch is tormenting you."

It felt amazing just to hear him totally have my back, but it also felt so so so awful to know that this is affecting him in a really negative way too He doesn't deserve this. All the more reason that I should just put some distance between me and Miss Toxic.

themuffinman16

@novella, Your therapist probably wanted you to reach out to your sister, not because she would want a relationship with you, but because the therapist wanted you to see that you have done all you could.  Your therapist knew she probably would never talk to you again, but you had to learn this for yourself.

  Now, you know. Now, you can start healing. It will take a while, but you don't need toxic people in your life.  When she can sit at the grownups table, you can think about having a relationship with her.  Having everything on her terms, and making you walk on eggshells is not fair to you.  If she has issues, it is up to her to see a therapist to help her.  Until she does, she will never have a good relationship with anyone around her. She will see, soon enough, that her behavior is alienating her from her loved ones.  It is up to her to care about it.

   Mourning a loved one who isn't dead is really hard.  It leaves you with so many questions, anger and confusion, and it hurts just as much, if not more, because it was their choice to leave.  I am sending you warmest  hugs, right now, as you get through this.  This year, maybe create a nice tradition with you and your husband, so you can have beautiful new memories that don't necessarily revolve around your sister.

  And to answer your question, don't say anything else to her.  The ball is in her court. If she wants a relationship with you, she can come to you.  She knows how you feel, you don't need to keep repeating it to her.  You shouldn't have to beg to have a sister, especially when you did nothing wrong.

larrygaga

beethery said:

novella1186 said:

So this may be a really stupid question, but what do I do about her being MOH? I mean, I'm not gonna bring it up to her. But if she ends up bringing it up to me, do I tell her I don't want her to be around me anymore, or do I just say ok and let her be the MOH?

I honestly don't know what to do. Like I said, I feel so lost. If she brings it up and I kick her out, it might bring a whole shitstorm down on me. And make my mother come after me. Everyone gets more fuel and I'm their target. But if I leave her in, I feel like that's such a total lie, to have her stand up next to me in a "place of honor" as if she's my nearest and dearest when in reality she treats me worse than anyone I know.

Sorry, I know the "what if" game can be so stupid, but I'm one of those people that likes to feel prepared. Especially when it's something this dramatic and stupid. I don't want to get blind sided and do totally the wrong thing.

If she can't bother talking to you, you don't really need to worry about it, do ya?

If she shows up in the dress to do the damn thing, super, but she better keep her crazy on mute. If she shows up and starts the cuckoo banana brigade, I hope you have someone to escort her ass out.

Yeah I think you should handle it the way the rulebook says: Just see if she shows up in the dress or not. Be prepared for her to be an ass and have someone ready to kick her out. A mean brother in law or something. If it bothers you that much that you are ready for your mom and sister to start a whole new drama, than kick her out and uninvite her. I think there are certain points in time when people need to be uninvited, and that's if they cannot fucking behave. 

novella1186

larrygaga said:

beethery said:

novella1186 said:

So this may be a really stupid question, but what do I do about her being MOH? I mean, I'm not gonna bring it up to her. But if she ends up bringing it up to me, do I tell her I don't want her to be around me anymore, or do I just say ok and let her be the MOH?

I honestly don't know what to do. Like I said, I feel so lost. If she brings it up and I kick her out, it might bring a whole shitstorm down on me. And make my mother come after me. Everyone gets more fuel and I'm their target. But if I leave her in, I feel like that's such a total lie, to have her stand up next to me in a "place of honor" as if she's my nearest and dearest when in reality she treats me worse than anyone I know.

Sorry, I know the "what if" game can be so stupid, but I'm one of those people that likes to feel prepared. Especially when it's something this dramatic and stupid. I don't want to get blind sided and do totally the wrong thing.

If she can't bother talking to you, you don't really need to worry about it, do ya?

If she shows up in the dress to do the damn thing, super, but she better keep her crazy on mute. If she shows up and starts the cuckoo banana brigade, I hope you have someone to escort her ass out.

Yeah I think you should handle it the way the rulebook says: Just see if she shows up in the dress or not. Be prepared for her to be an ass and have someone ready to kick her out. A mean brother in law or something. If it bothers you that much that you are ready for your mom and sister to start a whole new drama, than kick her out and uninvite her. I think there are certain points in time when people need to be uninvited, and that's if they cannot fucking behave. 

I honestly have no idea if she can manage to behave or not. It's really a toss-up. Cuz one minute we're BFFs, the next minute she's screaming and cussing at me at my own engagement party. Well, you guys know. So I have no idea what to expect next. I definitely think you guys are right though, I need to give some people a heads up that she might need to be removed from the wedding. I wouldn't be surprised if she busted in and shot me with a red paintball gun just for fun.

sophhabobopha

Novella, I hate your sister. She's awful.

Maybe I'm just a jerk, but I've never been into keeping a relationship with awful people just because they're family.

You deserve to be treated like a human being.

beethery

sophhabobopha said:

Novella, I hate your sister. She's awful.

Maybe I'm just a jerk, but I've never been into keeping a relationship with awful people just because they're family.

You deserve to be treated like a human being.

This. Family treats you like you deserve to be treated.

Anyone who can't get with that, doesn't qualify as family.

wrigleyville

I was in the same situation, but with a friend I'd had for twenty years. H finally said, "Why do you even keep trying? It's like putting your hand on a burner over and over again. You know you're going to get burned. I'm tired of seeing you waste energy on this person."

I finally dumped the friend. It was the best decision I ever made. All of a sudden, I was an energetic, happy person. I hadn't realized that my depression was due to constantly walking on eggshells with this friend every day since I was 16 years old.

I know it's your sister, so it's not quite as easy to "dump" her, as you'll see her at family gatherings, but I would seriously consider cutting contact. If she wants to talk to you and own up to her shit, then fine. But until then, I wouldn't call her, text her, email her, or devote one bit of attention to her. If your mom gives you shit, say it's not up for discussion and change the subject. Or just end the call.

I know it's hard. I know. But the payoff is worth it. Your H is right. It's time to drop her.

Honestly, even though it's against etiquette, I would tell her she's no longer MOH. Since your relationship sounds pretty fucked over anyway, it's not like anything's going to change. I mean, it can't get worse than it is now. Your mom might implode, but again, just end that call.

Your therapist is weird for continuing to put the "resolution" ball in your court. It's not up to you at this point. It's up to your sister. As I said, it's like you keep touching a hot burner. Stop touching the burner.

*hugs*

sophhabobopha

beethery said:

sophhabobopha said:

Novella, I hate your sister. She's awful.

Maybe I'm just a jerk, but I've never been into keeping a relationship with awful people just because they're family.

You deserve to be treated like a human being.

This. Family treats you like you deserve to be treated.

Anyone who can't get with that, doesn't qualify as family.

PREACH.

phira

@themuffinman16 The problem is, though, that the therapist shouldn't have suggested it because novella did not want to do it. That's not to say that therapists shouldn't encourage people to step out of their comfort zone. But I'll tell ya, if my therapist suggested I get closure from my grandparents or my father, I would be like, "You're very funny but I'm paying for therapy, not comedy."

Sugargirl1019

Re: MOH. I would stop all communication and in your mind remove her from MOH. She won't be finding out details from YOU, and I would share with mom either so mom can't tell her. I doubt she'll contact you for information. If she does I would probably say "you still think you're in my wedding? Go away". Or just don't say anything and ignore her. This is supposed to be the happiest time of your life don't allow her to make you miserable by twisting everyone around her finger making them hate you. I would pretend she doesn't exist. And believe it. Change the bridesmaids dresses.

raissyrais

That sister of yours is out of her mind. PPs have given amazing advice. All the hugs for you!

KytchynWitche

novella1186 said:

So I have a follow-up question. To those of you who have said that you had to distance yourself from people like this, and those people learned that if they treat you like garbage you're going to go away, and it helped:

Do I simply stop talking to her (which would pretty much be just continuing on with things as they are since we don't talk) or do I need to say something to her? Would I say something like "I'm sorry we couldn't resolve this but the way you speak to me is too hurtful blah blah blah so I won't be interacting with you until you can learn not to treat me like garbage." Or is that gonna trigger more backlash? But if I don't say something, does the point still get across? What would be the best way to go about that? 

First, let me just say I am so, so, SO sorry that your family is still giving you grief.

Then, to answer your question: I DID do the final distancing statement thing with my dad. When the whole thing with BSCSM came to a head (the homewrecker's drunken and very much unprovoked attack on me and my absent sister, while dad was standing mere meters away) DH and I were actually staying at their house. We were due to leave the next morning anyway, so we arranged to spend the final night at my sister's and left. We said goodbye to him (not to her, because she was too busy having hysterics in the bathroom with her equally drunk drinking buddy) and I asked him to please not contact either of us again. My sister then convinced me that we should have an intervention-style discussion with dad re BSCSM's drinking, which we did that night at sis' place and he went away without saying anything at all. 

The next morning he sent an email to sis and me, basically saying that the issues with BSCSM are all in our heads (bullshit), that she's perfectly justified in treating us like (actually worse than) her 10 year old daughters because we act like children (bullshit), and that if we want to be respected as adults then we need to respect them as adults (bullshit, but only because we do and they refuse to recognize it). He asked for an apology, but also made it clear (without actually SAYING it) that we would always be untermenschen in his life, at least as long as BSCSM is around.

So I replied that I had always treated both him and BSCSM as adults, and given them the respect that was due them, and that I was sorry that he couldn't see that. I then asked him once again to not contact me or DH in future, and that was the last I've heard from him. Personally, I think that it would have been better just to have left without a word and not responded to any communications from him (or them), but y'know... Hindsight's a bitch.

I will admit that I did post a very ragey FB update wishing the alcohol-sodden whore a fiery death, and then removed both dad and BSCSM as well as all her family from my friendslist.

Since then my sister (who didn't respond to the bull crap email from him post-intervention) has had contact with him on two occasions - once to find out where the nearest animal hospital was (on a Sunday night, so obviously emergent situation), and once to find out if the company that my sister works for could rent a screen and projector from his company (so, strictly business call), and he was so incredibly rude to her on both occasions that she has also decided to cut off all communications. 

My sister and I both got married this year, and neither of us sent him an invitation, though I did tell DH and my mom that IF dad decided to make contact in any way, shape, or form, before invitations went out, I would CONSIDER sending him one. Obviously, he didn't, and I'm good with that.

Our brother (who for many years has been essentially persona non grata in dad's house because he's gay) has since been the golden child - at BSCSM's insistence, because she's trying to save face with her family, to whom she's always bragged that dad has such wonderful relationships with his children. Bro generally declines their invitations, except when he needs something (money, help with the car, taxes done etc.) and I say good for him - time the users got a taste of their own medicine.

I'm not going to lie. It sucks having my dad not be a part of my life. But being constantly abused because I don't fit some magical and totally unrealistic idea of what BSCSM thinks an adult step-daughter should be, and because I don't fit some magical and totally unrealistic idea of what dad thinks success is, well that sucked a whole hell of a lot more.

When it gets right down to it, your sister's refusal to accept your apologies and move on is HER OWN ISSUE, do not make it yours. Your mother's guilt-tripping is HER OWN ISSUE, do not make it yours. You cannot write their scripts for them. You cannot fix them. And you don't owe it to them, or anyone else, to try any more than you already have. The only thing you owe anyone is this: you owe it to yourself to act in your own best interest. Reaching out to them and continuing to be kicked is not in your best interest. Oh, and echoing PPs - get yourself a new therapist, because this one sounds like a total schmuck!

novella1186

UPDATE:

 

So my sister ended up responding, with one of the longest, most vile, most hate-filled e-mails I've ever seen. (And none of you are surprised). She made it clear that she is "not sorry for her words" (all those insults and nasty names she called me) because she was "just being honest." 

It seemed like a lot of her rage was coming from the fact that I hadn't been letting her control my wedding. Well, how dare I. And also because her boyfriend told her to be mad at me. So, there's that. 

She then reiterated several times that my entire family hates me and they all think I'm a terrible person so it's all of them against me, and they now know I've been a terrible person my whole life, etc etc (which she also repeated several times during her original drunken tirade while my mom sat there and let her say that). 

She also said several things that made it very clear that my mom has been talking trash about me to my sister. How lovely. 

So, there. I got my closure. I'm done now. 

I cried hysterically for a while and asked FI several times if I'm a terrible person. Of course he kept saying no, and I know really that the answer is no, but my sister has always had a way of getting into my head like that and making me doubt myself because she always insults me in a way that the insults are coming from EVERYONE, not just her (Like when we were kids: "Everyone thinks you're ugly. All your friends told me they don't even like you" etc etc). Didn't sleep last night. Now I feel like a zombie. 

But honestly, I feel better. I'm still mad. I still think she's a crazy raving bitch. But like I said, I got my closure and now I'm done. No need to waste anymore time on her. Thanks again for all the advice and support. You guys have been a huge help. 

maeday2

Sometimes we need to get angry to take action. At least I know that's true for me. 

Take care of you and let her live in her toxic bubble. You wouldn't have all of these people telling you to drop her like a hot potato if YOU were the unstable one. 

Glad you're feeling better. Here's to a happier day.  

flutteringinfl

After reading your most recent comment, I definitely agree you need to find a new therapist who's not going to encourage you to put yourself in a situation where you're receiving such hateful messages. I'm so, so sorry you're going through this.

It sounds like your therapist operates much the way my elementary school teachers did when I was bullied. They didn't see it as an issue of separating me from her; instead they couldn't understand why we didn't get along and encouraged us (and sometimes forced us) to spend time together. This, as you can predict, made the bullying worse. Although you're (probably) much older than elementary school age, I think the principle here is the same. You're not going to get what you need by continuing to reach out to your sister. You know this, but I understand how incredibly painful that realization must be.

Your therapist should be helping you avoid situations which cause you unnecessary pain. Find a better one and stay strong. You deserve better people in your life. I'm so happy to hear your FI has your back. Sending you hugs.

emmaaa

I'm so sorry, Novella. You have done everything at this point and this relationship is just toxic. You are way too great of a person to let a lowlife drag you down into their bullshit. Keep your head high, pretty lady. You're a strong person and will make it through this (with the help of your awesome FI).

novella1186

emmaaa said:

I'm so sorry, Novella. You have done everything at this point and this relationship is just toxic. You are way too great of a person to let a lowlife drag you down into their bullshit. Keep your head high, pretty lady. You're a strong person and will make it through this (with the help of your awesome FI).

Thank you! 

flyingfoxes

Popping back in to say that I'm glad your FI's family is wonderful - THAT is the family you belong in and I'm happy that you've found it.  Hugs to you!