Well... I just got gutted. - Update in thread

novella1186

lovedryn said:

This just sucks. I have that feeling like there's a big weight on my chest and I can't breathe. It's not even the fact that my sister is such an evil bitch. I've always known that, so whatever. It's the fact that she's manipulating my parents and turning it into a situation where it's all of them against me. I honestly feel like I lost my whole family. And it just fucking sucks. 

I'm sorry. Not to be cruel, but what fucking family did you lose? You lost a hateful bitch from Hell and a tattletale shit pot stirring troll's relationship. Sure they have genetic similarities to yourself, but DNA does not make a family. A family loves each other, defends each other, fights for each other. They do not manipulate, abuse, or verbally and mentally assault each other. You are nothing more than easy prey for their need to inflict pain and guilt for this so called "family." Stop getting inside your own head and take a moment to look back. You NEVER lost your family. Your family is still right there by your side holding your hand through all this. Putting up with genetic relatives bullshit and desperately wanting to end your suffering. Your FI is your family. He is still right there with you to love and support you. And from the sound of it, his family is right there with him. What you did lose was an abusive bunch of asshats you enjoy torturing you for their amusement. You were nothing more to them than a bait dog at a dog fight. Your sole purpose to your mother and sister was to be ripped to shreds for sport. And the fact you lost that my dear is nothing to fret over. Cry tears of joy to have finally escaped the abuse and shit you have spent your life in. Go out and have a drink to celebrate a new life of no longer being constantly run down and beaten. Make love to your FI! Enjoy the love and warmth of his embrace! Hell go do something crazy and fun because you just stinking can! You are free novella! You just need to stop trying to hold on the that anchor that is drowning you. Trust me... You will be amazed at how much more life holds for you... How much happier and better it will be of you just let go and celebrate your freedom with your real family. Your FI.

Thank you, I really needed to hear this. 

lovegood90

I don't know why I'm in a box, but anyway...

So sorry you're continuing to deal with this! As everyone else has said, this is hopefully the closure you need to see that a relationship with this person is no longer healthy for you.

I do understand that it feels like you've lost someone, but she's clearly a completely different person now so you should accept that unless she realizes her wrongdoings and apologizes to you, she's just not the same person she used to be and any efforts by you to reconnect will continue to go the same way.

I also agree that if your therapist can't see that what you need is a way to heal WITHOUT continuing to bash your head in by contacting your sister, you need a NEW THERAPIST.

As for the MOH stuff, on an extremely happy day in your life, why would you put yourself through the fucked up situation of having someone who clearly doesn't support you stand up with you on your wedding day, let alone come to your wedding? I agree that someone should be on the lookout to escort her out if she's still invited to the wedding, but she's definitely lost the privilege to stand up with you, IMO.

From your posts, you seem to have a ton of people around you who love you (your Fi, his family, your friends, the strangers on TK-haha!). You should remember that family and relatives are completely different things. It sounds like your sister is now just that- a relative, not a sister- until/unless SHE can change. Until then, just cut off contact for your sanity and focus on those who love you!

plainjane0415

lovedryn said:

This just sucks. I have that feeling like there's a big weight on my chest and I can't breathe. It's not even the fact that my sister is such an evil bitch. I've always known that, so whatever. It's the fact that she's manipulating my parents and turning it into a situation where it's all of them against me. I honestly feel like I lost my whole family. And it just fucking sucks. 

I'm sorry. Not to be cruel, but what fucking family did you lose? You lost a hateful bitch from Hell and a tattletale shit pot stirring troll's relationship. Sure they have genetic similarities to yourself, but DNA does not make a family. A family loves each other, defends each other, fights for each other. They do not manipulate, abuse, or verbally and mentally assault each other. You are nothing more than easy prey for their need to inflict pain and guilt for this so called "family." Stop getting inside your own head and take a moment to look back. You NEVER lost your family. Your family is still right there by your side holding your hand through all this. Putting up with genetic relatives bullshit and desperately wanting to end your suffering. Your FI is your family. He is still right there with you to love and support you. And from the sound of it, his family is right there with him. What you did lose was an abusive bunch of asshats you enjoy torturing you for their amusement. You were nothing more to them than a bait dog at a dog fight. Your sole purpose to your mother and sister was to be ripped to shreds for sport. And the fact you lost that my dear is nothing to fret over. Cry tears of joy to have finally escaped the abuse and shit you have spent your life in. Go out and have a drink to celebrate a new life of no longer being constantly run down and beaten. Make love to your FI! Enjoy the love and warmth of his embrace! Hell go do something crazy and fun because you just stinking can! You are free novella! You just need to stop trying to hold on the that anchor that is drowning you. Trust me... You will be amazed at how much more life holds for you... How much happier and better it will be of you just let go and celebrate your freedom with your real family. Your FI.

This 100x!!!

beethery

Yeah you don't need to talk to that bitch anymore, and if your therapist tries to push it, they need to re-think their approach. Forward them the email, and say, "I can not even give a QUARK of a fuck about anyone who thinks it's alright to talk to me like this. If you can't get with that, please refer me to another therapist."

There's no need to waste your time talking to that stranger ass bitch who clearly does not give a fuck about you.

You don't owe her even a thought. Don't give a fuck about anyone who would treat you like that.

If some mutual friend of yours did this, you'd be quick to cut the bitch out your life. Apply that to your sister, because this is a bitch you don't fucking know. Stranger danger, boo. She is a fuckin' stranger.

Make sure someone at the wedding knows not to let this loon-ass bitch in. She ain't invited, she is unwelcome, she is a stranger ass bitch and she don't need to fucking be there.

As far as your parents, I'd call the bakery, cancel their order, get whatever the hell I want, and declare myself an orphan.

That weight you feel on your chest is the dead weight from these dumb bitches acting like you owe them something. Put this on a post-it and stick it to the middle of your steering wheel, put it on the corner of your monitor, and make it the lock screen on your phone:

Anyone who treats ME like shit is not worth my fucking time.

Welcome to being an only child, sweetheart. Let me assure you that it is pretty god damn great.

If you still, for some reason I can't begin to understand, want to have a relationship with your mom and she asks why you're not still trying to build this bridge, forward her the email your sister sent, and tell her that if she needs further explanation, she can continue shit-talking with this stranger bitch she birthed that you used to claim a relationship with. Wish her well, and hang out with your in-laws. You don't need that shit, and anyone who tries to push you into hanging out with a dickhead ain't worth your fucking time.

Mark the emails from that stranger bitch as spam. If your mom can't get on board, she might as well get it too. You don't need that shit. It's all spam.

FiancB

Great idea to show mom the email if necessary. it sounds like she's in denial as to what a fucking bitch her daughter is. 

carrie0924

novella1186 said:

So I have a follow-up question. To those of you who have said that you had to distance yourself from people like this, and those people learned that if they treat you like garbage you're going to go away, and it helped:

Do I simply stop talking to her (which would pretty much be just continuing on with things as they are since we don't talk) or do I need to say something to her? Would I say something like "I'm sorry we couldn't resolve this but the way you speak to me is too hurtful blah blah blah so I won't be interacting with you until you can learn not to treat me like garbage." Or is that gonna trigger more backlash? But if I don't say something, does the point still get across? What would be the best way to go about that? 

For me, it depended on the person. With my sister, we had a dramatic fight, and then just stopped talking. I reached out to her multiple times over the years, which she chose to ignore.
For my dad, something he had done had triggered some serious anger in me, so I called him up, told him to grow the fuck up and get sober and not speak to me again until he did both of those. He has reached out to me once in 4 years (through my mom, his ex-wife), and I did not respond. My dad's mom, I just stopped speaking to her without an explanation or anything.

KatieinBkln

FiancB said:

Great idea to show mom the email if necessary. it sounds like she's in denial as to what a fucking bitch her daughter is. 

Totally possible. I like to think that it's probably a situation where mom knows that Older Daughter is "difficult," and decides to cut her more slack because obviously she "needs" more handholding than Novella does. Novella, as the well-adjusted one, doesn't "need" mom's "guidance" (such as it is, ugh) so she doesn't give Novella the validation she deserves because she knows it's easier to just ask the sane sister to "take the high road." This is, of course, a HORRIBLE way of relating, because it ignores the elephant in the room (sister's bad behavior) and alienates the "healthy" daughter, all while slowly chipping away at that good health because the "healthy" one gets a constant dose of "you can handle it, just cave in so we don't have to be awkward" from mom.

All of which is to say, I have a feeling Novella's mom is trying to do right by both daughters, and her heart is probably (?) in the right place, but man oh man, is the woman poorly equipped. She's going about it all wrong, and alienating and hurting Novella in the process, so I think N. is totally right to take a step back from her, but I do think this is a dynamic we see a lot in families where there is the "difficult" kid and the "healthy" kid. It isn't fair to anyone.

flyingfoxes

IA with @beethery that you need to also cancel your parents' contribution towards the bakery - they are going to hold that over your head and manipulate the shit out of you because you will "owe" them.  Fuck that noise - make your own order and your father can just build a bridge and get the fuck over it. 

I know you don't want to stir up more drama - but really, what benefit are you getting from walking on those eggshells?  More hate and vitriol?  It's a lose-lose if that's what you're trying to avoid. 

As others have said - you deserve much better than this bullshit. 

Sugargirl1019

How can someone stay THAT angry and full of hatred in such passion for that long?

I know she's cray. She must have a heart worse than the Grinch to always be holding onto that much hatred in her chest. How does that not physically hurt her. Ugh. Good riddance, bitch.

Novella you are free!

wrigleyville

@beethery covered everything I'd planned to say, so I offer you hugs.

levioosa

Novella, I am so sorry you are dealing with all of this anger, hate, hurt, and confusion.  Fuck them.  Seriously.  I think you should probably distance yourself from your family (i.e. parents--fuck ever talking to your sister again).  It's not healthy, you're constantly hurt by them, and it's obvious that no one is a fucking grown-up who can actually communicate and function correctly.  Pay for the wedding yourselves so they can't manipulate you with their contribution. 

You are starting a new family.  Focus on that. And while you feel like you are losing your family, you are actually gaining a whole new family with FI's family.  Blood does not make family.  Being "family" does not give them the right to hurt you repeatedly.  If your parents come back at you about it, send them the email, reiterate that you refuse to be treated in such a way, and let them know that they can make the next move.  You don't owe them anything.  You don't have to feel this way.  You don't have to take their crap. 

They can go to crazy town all they want, but it doesn't mean you have to be trapped in the car with them. 

*hugs*

PrettyGirlLost

novella1186 said:

This just sucks. I have that feeling like there's a big weight on my chest and I can't breathe. It's not even the fact that my sister is such an evil bitch. I've always known that, so whatever. It's the fact that she's manipulating my parents and turning it into a situation where it's all of them against me. I honestly feel like I lost my whole family. And it just fucking sucks. 

When is your next appointment with your current therapist?  How did you find her in the 1st place?  Can you use that resource to find a different therapist?  Because you tried this one's strategy and it has made you feel worse. . . I'm no expert, but I don't think that's the point of therapy.

See if you can find a therapist that specializes in Bowen Family System theory as I think it might be very helpful for you in dealing with your own family.

It's not that you lost your family, but more that you are seeing them for who they really are for the 1st time.  They are a very dysfunctional and unhealthy bunch, and in trying to separate yourself from them and their bullshit, you are recognizing the insanity for what it is.

And sadly, sometimes our families just fucking suck and there is nothing we can do about it except cut the ties and find healthy people who actually care about us to form a new family with.

*HUGS*

sophhabobopha

PrettyGirlLost

KatieinBkln said:

FiancB said:

Great idea to show mom the email if necessary. it sounds like she's in denial as to what a fucking bitch her daughter is. 

Totally possible. I like to think that it's probably a situation where mom knows that Older Daughter is "difficult," and decides to cut her more slack because obviously she "needs" more handholding than Novella does. Novella, as the well-adjusted one, doesn't "need" mom's "guidance" (such as it is, ugh) so she doesn't give Novella the validation she deserves because she knows it's easier to just ask the sane sister to "take the high road." This is, of course, a HORRIBLE way of relating, because it ignores the elephant in the room (sister's bad behavior) and alienates the "healthy" daughter, all while slowly chipping away at that good health because the "healthy" one gets a constant dose of "you can handle it, just cave in so we don't have to be awkward" from mom.

All of which is to say, I have a feeling Novella's mom is trying to do right by both daughters, and her heart is probably (?) in the right place, but man oh man, is the woman poorly equipped. She's going about it all wrong, and alienating and hurting Novella in the process, so I think N. is totally right to take a step back from her, but I do think this is a dynamic we see a lot in families where there is the "difficult" kid and the "healthy" kid. It isn't fair to anyone.

Meh, Novella can keep that screed in her back pocket and offer it up to her mother at some point, but I don't personally see that doing anything to benefit Novella.

Her mother sat there silently and witnessed her sister's original drunken rant.  That speaks volumes.  She's not in denial, she's a full on enabler and from the sounds of it she's in a fused relationship pattern with the sister.  So showing her the letter will do nothing except fuel the fire of bullshit between the both of them and Novella.

Her mother has witnessed her sister acting like this for a long time- one email isn't going to make her see the light.

luckya23

FiancB said:

Great idea to show mom the email if necessary. it sounds like she's in denial as to what a fucking bitch her daughter is. 

From experience, this has huge backfire potential.

My sister sent me a NASTY string of texts, which I sent to my mom when she was bitching about us not speaking, and mom maaged to put it back on me because when my sister THREATENED me saying she would kick my ass if she saw me, I said no she wouldn't because if she wasn't a pussy she would have when she had just seen me 30 min before but instead she waited until I left to text.  So apparently I "called her nasty names."

lovegood90

I agree with @PrettyGirlLost, I think showing her mother the e-mail will only reinforce the mother's meddling between them. I think just reiterating "I will not speak to you about my sister" and cutting off communication with her mother when she mentions her sister is a better, and healthier, tactic.

novella1186

Thanks, guys. You all have been super helpful and really wonderful. I think I'm gonna take @beethery's replies, print them, and post them everywhere lol 

KatieinBkln

PrettyGirlLost said:

KatieinBkln said:

FiancB said:

Great idea to show mom the email if necessary. it sounds like she's in denial as to what a fucking bitch her daughter is. 

Totally possible. I like to think that it's probably a situation where mom knows that Older Daughter is "difficult," and decides to cut her more slack because obviously she "needs" more handholding than Novella does. Novella, as the well-adjusted one, doesn't "need" mom's "guidance" (such as it is, ugh) so she doesn't give Novella the validation she deserves because she knows it's easier to just ask the sane sister to "take the high road." This is, of course, a HORRIBLE way of relating, because it ignores the elephant in the room (sister's bad behavior) and alienates the "healthy" daughter, all while slowly chipping away at that good health because the "healthy" one gets a constant dose of "you can handle it, just cave in so we don't have to be awkward" from mom.

All of which is to say, I have a feeling Novella's mom is trying to do right by both daughters, and her heart is probably (?) in the right place, but man oh man, is the woman poorly equipped. She's going about it all wrong, and alienating and hurting Novella in the process, so I think N. is totally right to take a step back from her, but I do think this is a dynamic we see a lot in families where there is the "difficult" kid and the "healthy" kid. It isn't fair to anyone.

Meh, Novella can keep that screed in her back pocket and offer it up to her mother at some point, but I don't personally see that doing anything to benefit Novella.

Her mother sat there silently and witnessed her sister's original drunken rant.  That speaks volumes.  She's not in denial, she's a full on enabler and from the sounds of it she's in a fused relationship pattern with the sister.  So showing her the letter will do nothing except fuel the fire of bullshit between the both of them and Novella.

Her mother has witnessed her sister acting like this for a long time- one email isn't going to make her see the light.

You are probably right. I guess it would be more of a peace of mind thing for me--if I knew I had given my mother a concrete reason for my actions, no amount of bitching on her part would affect me as much.

I admit it works a little cleaner if the first half is "Here's a crazy letter from your crazy daughter" and the second half is "Also, BYE if you have anything to say about it that isn't 'we support you.'" I'm not sure whether N wants to take that step yet, but to me? Any "but you are to blame too/but she's your sister/but but but" from mom would just tell me everything I need to know about mom--i.e. that maybe I shouldn't expect much of a relationship there, either. But I know that's a huge step and sometimes it's good to cut ties with family one at a time.

HaileyDancingbear

novella1186 said:

This just sucks. I have that feeling like there's a big weight on my chest and I can't breathe. It's not even the fact that my sister is such an evil bitch. I've always known that, so whatever. It's the fact that she's manipulating my parents and turning it into a situation where it's all of them against me. I honestly feel like I lost my whole family. And it just fucking sucks. 

Okay, I have to be honest and ask what's on my mind, is there some sort of medical reason for how insanely stupid your parents are being right now? Is there actually a large portion of their brains missing?  Did they both get dropped then kicked on the head when they were kids?  

How the fuck can they hear the shit your sister says and not think it's the most batshit crazy bullshit they've ever heard??????  

Yes, your sister is probably being extremely manipulative, but everything she does is so clearly batshit crazy, I don't think your parents should go entirely blame-free for joining in.  They should really have some sort of concept of reality that keeps them from jumping on the fucking bandwagon to crazyville. 

Until they get some sort of faint concept on the difference between reality and bullshit, they can fuck off.  IMO seeing the way you're being treated and not only not putting a stop to it, but JOINING IN and encouraging it to continue, is just as fucking bad as what your sister is doing.  

Until they stop being an extension of your sister's shitiness, you should just give them the money for anything they paid for, and not talk to them either.  

Oh, and the whole "Everyone thinks ______"  is the trademark line for people who are just saying random shit and want you to think their opinion is at all important or accurate.  Just like when Fox News says "Some people say" instead of citing legitimate sources.  

kmbay84

I am so, so sorry you are going through this @novella1186. *hugs* My heart just breaks for you.  You do not deserve this and it sucks that you are at the brunt of it.  I agree with the other posters about distancing yourself from your family, especially your sister's bull.  I also can't understand how she can stay so vile for so long.  It just boggles my mind.  She will always find a way to blame you and turn everything on you even though you have done nothing wrong.  God forbid, she might actually be wrong.  I also agree that you have every right to have her NOT be your MOH.  She doesn't deserve that, much less to come to the wedding. 

It sounds like you have a great FI and future in-laws, which I am glad for.  I would spend more time with them.  It's not ok to constantly be made to feel like crap for no reason whatsoever.  That is just cruel and heartless.  It took me awhile to learn this concept as well, not with my family, but with my friends, since I am a people-pleaser and always thought that if I just laughed, was nice to them, then everything would be ok.  As long as they were ok with me, no matter how I was with them, then everything was ok.  I am beginning to realize that that isn't fair to me.  It's not fair to you either.  You seem like such a caring, compassionate, smart, and giving woman that it's not fair that you feel like shit because of them.  And to not even get support from your mother because of your manipulative sister?  I am so sorry.  That is just terrible. 

I also think you should get another therapist because you should not have to continue to put yourself in harm's way where you know you will only get insulted no matter how nice you are. 

I am so angry and frustrated for you!

Keep us updated. 

I hope you feel better if possible! *hugs* 

novella1186

So this is weird? 

On my lunch break I called my aunt (my dad's sister) that I'm super close to because I felt so bad and she's my IRL voice of reason. She felt so bad that I felt so bad that she decided to read me an e-mail my mom wrote her recently. I could tell by the words/vocabulary used that it was legitimately from my mom. 

My mom said-- in the e-mail-- that she's heart broken about how nasty my sister has been to me and wishes she would have "shut her down" as soon as she started attacking me, begged my sister to immediately apologize to me but my sister refused, and also said that she's [my mom] "never come across anyone so venomous in her life." [meaning my sister] But doesn't know what to do with her, and wishes my sister would seek professional help because it's not normal for her to carry around so much rage. Hm... interesting. 

KatieinBkln said in an earlier post, that I'm the stable one so my mom comes to me to fix everything because she knows she'll get nowhere with my sister. Who knows. This just seems like a whole big web of dysfunction, with my sister right in the middle of it all. 

PrettyGirlLost

HaileyDancingbear said:

novella1186 said:

This just sucks. I have that feeling like there's a big weight on my chest and I can't breathe. It's not even the fact that my sister is such an evil bitch. I've always known that, so whatever. It's the fact that she's manipulating my parents and turning it into a situation where it's all of them against me. I honestly feel like I lost my whole family. And it just fucking sucks. 

Okay, I have to be honest and ask what's on my mind, is there some sort of medical reason for how insanely stupid your parents are being right now? Is there actually a large portion of their brains missing?  Did they both get dropped then kicked on the head when they were kids?  

How the fuck can they hear the shit your sister says and not think it's the most batshit crazy bullshit they've ever heard??????  

Yes, your sister is probably being extremely manipulative, but everything she does is so clearly batshit crazy, I don't think your parents should go entirely blame-free for joining in.  They should really have some sort of concept of reality that keeps them from jumping on the fucking bandwagon to crazyville. 

Until they get some sort of faint concept on the difference between reality and bullshit, they can fuck off.  IMO seeing the way you're being treated and not only not putting a stop to it, but JOINING IN and encouraging it to continue, is just as fucking bad as what your sister is doing.  

Until they stop being an extension of your sister's shitiness, you should just give them the money for anything they paid for, and not talk to them either.  

Oh, and the whole "Everyone thinks ______"  is the trademark line for people who are just saying random shit and want you to think their opinion is at all important or accurate.  Just like when Fox News says "Some people say" instead of citing legitimate sources.  

I would wager that yes, there's an underlying pathology for all three of these people that creates such a fucked up family dynamic.  And part of that pathology is that they each believe their version of reality is correct.

beethery

Your mom should've backed you up instead of trying to get you to fix your sister's crazy. Your mom also needs to stop with guilt-trip shit if she really thinks that your sister is so fucked up.

Your sister is not your responsibility and I hope your mom gets that into her head soon.

KatieinBkln

novella1186 said:

So this is weird? 

On my lunch break I called my aunt (my dad's sister) that I'm super close to because I felt so bad and she's my IRL voice of reason. She felt so bad that I felt so bad that she decided to read me an e-mail my mom wrote her recently. I could tell by the words/vocabulary used that it was legitimately from my mom. 

My mom said-- in the e-mail-- that she's heart broken about how nasty my sister has been to me and wishes she would have "shut her down" as soon as she started attacking me, begged my sister to immediately apologize to me but my sister refused, and also said that she's [my mom] "never come across anyone so venomous in her life." [meaning my sister] But doesn't know what to do with her, and wishes my sister would seek professional help because it's not normal for her to carry around so much rage. Hm... interesting. 

KatieinBkln said in an earlier post, that I'm the stable one so my mom comes to me to fix everything because she knows she'll get nowhere with my sister. Who knows. This just seems like a whole big web of dysfunction, with my sister right in the middle of it all. 

A. God bless your aunt 

B. This is fascinating. I hope it makes you feel a little less crazy yourself--you aren't mean, the whole family is NOT talking shit about you, they know this is super fucked up. It's true that your mom is falling down on the job of giving you support, but I just...I have seen so many parents lose their way on this shit in the name of "fairness" or not wanting to talk shit to you about your sibling. 

PrettyGirlLost

novella1186 said:

So this is weird? 

On my lunch break I called my aunt (my dad's sister) that I'm super close to because I felt so bad and she's my IRL voice of reason. She felt so bad that I felt so bad that she decided to read me an e-mail my mom wrote her recently. I could tell by the words/vocabulary used that it was legitimately from my mom. 

My mom said-- in the e-mail-- that she's heart broken about how nasty my sister has been to me and wishes she would have "shut her down" as soon as she started attacking me, begged my sister to immediately apologize to me but my sister refused, and also said that she's [my mom] "never come across anyone so venomous in her life." [meaning my sister] But doesn't know what to do with her, and wishes my sister would seek professional help because it's not normal for her to carry around so much rage. Hm... interesting. 

Maybe that saying is true that the squeaky wheel gets the grease, but if this is how my mom really feels and she sees through my sister's bullshit then why hasn't she given me some more support?KatieinBkln said in an earlier post, that I'm the stable one so my mom comes to me to fix everything because she knows she'll get nowhere with my sister. Who knows. This just seems like a whole big web of dysfunction, with my sister right in the middle of it all. 

I wish your Aunt hadn't read that email to you, because it's not doing you any good knowing any of this.

I'm going to be direct with you- your family is fucked up.  You know this.  You suspect your father is a narcissist and that your sister has BPD, and your mother doesn't seem to have the personality to be able to deal with either one of them other than enabling and reinforcing their behaviors.  If your father and sister are actually what you believe them to be, they will never change and there is nothing anyone can do to fix them.  They will continue to be toxic.

You need to stop asking why, what if, etc. and stop wishing for things to be normal or to change and you need to talk to someone who can help you get to a place where you feel comfortable in accepting your family for what it is,  someone who can teach you coping strategies for dealing with the dysfunction in your family, and someone who can help you work out your feelings of guilt, desire to fix your family, etc.

hellosweetie1015

novella1186 said:

So this is weird? 

On my lunch break I called my aunt (my dad's sister) that I'm super close to because I felt so bad and she's my IRL voice of reason. She felt so bad that I felt so bad that she decided to read me an e-mail my mom wrote her recently. I could tell by the words/vocabulary used that it was legitimately from my mom. 

My mom said-- in the e-mail-- that she's heart broken about how nasty my sister has been to me and wishes she would have "shut her down" as soon as she started attacking me, begged my sister to immediately apologize to me but my sister refused, and also said that she's [my mom] "never come across anyone so venomous in her life." [meaning my sister] But doesn't know what to do with her, and wishes my sister would seek professional help because it's not normal for her to carry around so much rage. Hm... interesting. 

KatieinBkln said in an earlier post, that I'm the stable one so my mom comes to me to fix everything because she knows she'll get nowhere with my sister. Who knows. This just seems like a whole big web of dysfunction, with my sister right in the middle of it all. 

I have mixed feelings about your aunt reading you this. 

On the one hand, it's good to know that maybe - just maybe - your mother is not quite as BSC as previously believed, and it gives you hope that one day perhaps you can, in fact, have a happy relationship of some kind with her, even if you cannot with your sister and your dad. It may not be soon - it may take a while for the shock of the loss of her daughters' "good relationship" (which it doesn't sound like it ever was, but you know).

On the other hand, reading you this email only brought up MORE whys and made you more confused - why isn't your mother saying this to YOU? Your aunt doesn't need to hear how upset your mom is, and how wrong your mom thinks your sister was - you do. You need your family right now, and it's not helpful for your mother to treat you like she does with the apologizing for nothing, and then go to your aunt and say, "oh, I just wish Sister would get help because Novella didn't deserve that."

I just wish you could get away from the mess and let it be long enough to enjoy yourself without it coming up; it's like a scab that can't heal since it keeps getting ripped open.

novella1186

hellosweetie1015 said:

novella1186 said:

So this is weird? 

On my lunch break I called my aunt (my dad's sister) that I'm super close to because I felt so bad and she's my IRL voice of reason. She felt so bad that I felt so bad that she decided to read me an e-mail my mom wrote her recently. I could tell by the words/vocabulary used that it was legitimately from my mom. 

My mom said-- in the e-mail-- that she's heart broken about how nasty my sister has been to me and wishes she would have "shut her down" as soon as she started attacking me, begged my sister to immediately apologize to me but my sister refused, and also said that she's [my mom] "never come across anyone so venomous in her life." [meaning my sister] But doesn't know what to do with her, and wishes my sister would seek professional help because it's not normal for her to carry around so much rage. Hm... interesting. 

KatieinBkln said in an earlier post, that I'm the stable one so my mom comes to me to fix everything because she knows she'll get nowhere with my sister. Who knows. This just seems like a whole big web of dysfunction, with my sister right in the middle of it all. 

I have mixed feelings about your aunt reading you this. 

On the one hand, it's good to know that maybe - just maybe - your mother is not quite as BSC as previously believed, and it gives you hope that one day perhaps you can, in fact, have a happy relationship of some kind with her, even if you cannot with your sister and your dad. It may not be soon - it may take a while for the shock of the loss of her daughters' "good relationship" (which it doesn't sound like it ever was, but you know).

On the other hand, reading you this email only brought up MORE whys and made you more confused - why isn't your mother saying this to YOU? Your aunt doesn't need to hear how upset your mom is, and how wrong your mom thinks your sister was - you do. You need your family right now, and it's not helpful for your mother to treat you like she does with the apologizing for nothing, and then go to your aunt and say, "oh, I just wish Sister would get help because Novella didn't deserve that."

I just wish you could get away from the mess and let it be long enough to enjoy yourself without it coming up; it's like a scab that can't heal since it keeps getting ripped open.

I definitely feel like something about this seems to pop up on a weekly basis; whether it's FI's family asking if they should invite my crazy sister to my shower, and then I have to feel humiliated all over again when I tell them "I don't know, she still won't talk to me." Or it's my mom nagging me and driving me nuts. Or it's my sister lashing out at me again. It's like... I'm really ready for some peace and quiet now. I feel like I've been upset for months (not that it's been constant but at this point it SEEMS like it's been constant) and I'm exhausted. 

beethery

novella1186 said:

hellosweetie1015 said:

novella1186 said:

So this is weird? 

On my lunch break I called my aunt (my dad's sister) that I'm super close to because I felt so bad and she's my IRL voice of reason. She felt so bad that I felt so bad that she decided to read me an e-mail my mom wrote her recently. I could tell by the words/vocabulary used that it was legitimately from my mom. 

My mom said-- in the e-mail-- that she's heart broken about how nasty my sister has been to me and wishes she would have "shut her down" as soon as she started attacking me, begged my sister to immediately apologize to me but my sister refused, and also said that she's [my mom] "never come across anyone so venomous in her life." [meaning my sister] But doesn't know what to do with her, and wishes my sister would seek professional help because it's not normal for her to carry around so much rage. Hm... interesting. 

KatieinBkln said in an earlier post, that I'm the stable one so my mom comes to me to fix everything because she knows she'll get nowhere with my sister. Who knows. This just seems like a whole big web of dysfunction, with my sister right in the middle of it all. 

I have mixed feelings about your aunt reading you this. 

On the one hand, it's good to know that maybe - just maybe - your mother is not quite as BSC as previously believed, and it gives you hope that one day perhaps you can, in fact, have a happy relationship of some kind with her, even if you cannot with your sister and your dad. It may not be soon - it may take a while for the shock of the loss of her daughters' "good relationship" (which it doesn't sound like it ever was, but you know).

On the other hand, reading you this email only brought up MORE whys and made you more confused - why isn't your mother saying this to YOU? Your aunt doesn't need to hear how upset your mom is, and how wrong your mom thinks your sister was - you do. You need your family right now, and it's not helpful for your mother to treat you like she does with the apologizing for nothing, and then go to your aunt and say, "oh, I just wish Sister would get help because Novella didn't deserve that."

I just wish you could get away from the mess and let it be long enough to enjoy yourself without it coming up; it's like a scab that can't heal since it keeps getting ripped open.

I definitely feel like something about this seems to pop up on a weekly basis; whether it's FI's family asking if they should invite my crazy sister to my shower, and then I have to feel humiliated all over again when I tell them "I don't know, she still won't talk to me." Or it's my mom nagging me and driving me nuts. Or it's my sister lashing out at me again. It's like... I'm really ready for some peace and quiet now. I feel like I've been upset for months (not that it's been constant but at this point it SEEMS like it's been constant) and I'm exhausted. 

NOPE. Done and done.

novella1186

beethery said:

novella1186 said:

hellosweetie1015 said:

novella1186 said:

So this is weird? 

On my lunch break I called my aunt (my dad's sister) that I'm super close to because I felt so bad and she's my IRL voice of reason. She felt so bad that I felt so bad that she decided to read me an e-mail my mom wrote her recently. I could tell by the words/vocabulary used that it was legitimately from my mom. 

My mom said-- in the e-mail-- that she's heart broken about how nasty my sister has been to me and wishes she would have "shut her down" as soon as she started attacking me, begged my sister to immediately apologize to me but my sister refused, and also said that she's [my mom] "never come across anyone so venomous in her life." [meaning my sister] But doesn't know what to do with her, and wishes my sister would seek professional help because it's not normal for her to carry around so much rage. Hm... interesting. 

KatieinBkln said in an earlier post, that I'm the stable one so my mom comes to me to fix everything because she knows she'll get nowhere with my sister. Who knows. This just seems like a whole big web of dysfunction, with my sister right in the middle of it all. 

I have mixed feelings about your aunt reading you this. 

On the one hand, it's good to know that maybe - just maybe - your mother is not quite as BSC as previously believed, and it gives you hope that one day perhaps you can, in fact, have a happy relationship of some kind with her, even if you cannot with your sister and your dad. It may not be soon - it may take a while for the shock of the loss of her daughters' "good relationship" (which it doesn't sound like it ever was, but you know).

On the other hand, reading you this email only brought up MORE whys and made you more confused - why isn't your mother saying this to YOU? Your aunt doesn't need to hear how upset your mom is, and how wrong your mom thinks your sister was - you do. You need your family right now, and it's not helpful for your mother to treat you like she does with the apologizing for nothing, and then go to your aunt and say, "oh, I just wish Sister would get help because Novella didn't deserve that."

I just wish you could get away from the mess and let it be long enough to enjoy yourself without it coming up; it's like a scab that can't heal since it keeps getting ripped open.

I definitely feel like something about this seems to pop up on a weekly basis; whether it's FI's family asking if they should invite my crazy sister to my shower, and then I have to feel humiliated all over again when I tell them "I don't know, she still won't talk to me." Or it's my mom nagging me and driving me nuts. Or it's my sister lashing out at me again. It's like... I'm really ready for some peace and quiet now. I feel like I've been upset for months (not that it's been constant but at this point it SEEMS like it's been constant) and I'm exhausted. 

NOPE. Done and done.

Haha! I heart you. 

lovegood90

beethery said:

Your mom should've backed you up instead of trying to get you to fix your sister's crazy. Your mom also needs to stop with guilt-trip shit if she really thinks that your sister is so fucked up.

Your sister is not your responsibility and I hope your mom gets that into her head soon.

Agree 100000x with this. Your mom's email to your aunt changes nothing, IMHO. The way she (your mom) has treated you through this whole situation, ie the guilt trips and all that BS, is what matters here. She can side with you in her opinions but if she's not being a MOM and offering actual support it means nothing.