Well... I just got gutted. - Update in thread

morewineplease

I am sorry that your blood relatives sucks... but your family is who you want to be family. Your FI, his family, friends, ect. Do not be embarrassed that you have crazy people in the blood line, we all do however some hide it better. 

If people treat you badly let them go. Morn the loss, then surround yourself with people that want you to be happy. No one else is worth your time, you are too good for them! 

novella1186

lovegood90 said:

beethery said:

Your mom should've backed you up instead of trying to get you to fix your sister's crazy. Your mom also needs to stop with guilt-trip shit if she really thinks that your sister is so fucked up.

Your sister is not your responsibility and I hope your mom gets that into her head soon.

Agree 100000x with this. Your mom's email to your aunt changes nothing, IMHO. The way she (your mom) has treated you through this whole situation, ie the guilt trips and all that BS, is what matters here. She can side with you in her opinions but if she's not being a MOM and offering actual support it means nothing. 

At least now if she tries to guilt trip me into talking to my sister I can just say "Mom, I tried and she attacked me again, remember? There's no way to reason with someone who's mentally ill and full of rage. So how's the bean dip?"  

hellosweetie1015

novella1186 said:

hellosweetie1015 said:

novella1186 said:

So this is weird? 

On my lunch break I called my aunt (my dad's sister) that I'm super close to because I felt so bad and she's my IRL voice of reason. She felt so bad that I felt so bad that she decided to read me an e-mail my mom wrote her recently. I could tell by the words/vocabulary used that it was legitimately from my mom. 

My mom said-- in the e-mail-- that she's heart broken about how nasty my sister has been to me and wishes she would have "shut her down" as soon as she started attacking me, begged my sister to immediately apologize to me but my sister refused, and also said that she's [my mom] "never come across anyone so venomous in her life." [meaning my sister] But doesn't know what to do with her, and wishes my sister would seek professional help because it's not normal for her to carry around so much rage. Hm... interesting. 

KatieinBkln said in an earlier post, that I'm the stable one so my mom comes to me to fix everything because she knows she'll get nowhere with my sister. Who knows. This just seems like a whole big web of dysfunction, with my sister right in the middle of it all. 

I have mixed feelings about your aunt reading you this. 

On the one hand, it's good to know that maybe - just maybe - your mother is not quite as BSC as previously believed, and it gives you hope that one day perhaps you can, in fact, have a happy relationship of some kind with her, even if you cannot with your sister and your dad. It may not be soon - it may take a while for the shock of the loss of her daughters' "good relationship" (which it doesn't sound like it ever was, but you know).

On the other hand, reading you this email only brought up MORE whys and made you more confused - why isn't your mother saying this to YOU? Your aunt doesn't need to hear how upset your mom is, and how wrong your mom thinks your sister was - you do. You need your family right now, and it's not helpful for your mother to treat you like she does with the apologizing for nothing, and then go to your aunt and say, "oh, I just wish Sister would get help because Novella didn't deserve that."

I just wish you could get away from the mess and let it be long enough to enjoy yourself without it coming up; it's like a scab that can't heal since it keeps getting ripped open.

I definitely feel like something about this seems to pop up on a weekly basis; whether it's FI's family asking if they should invite my crazy sister to my shower, and then I have to feel humiliated all over again when I tell them "I don't know, she still won't talk to me." Or it's my mom nagging me and driving me nuts. Or it's my sister lashing out at me again. It's like... I'm really ready for some peace and quiet now. I feel like I've been upset for months (not that it's been constant but at this point it SEEMS like it's been constant) and I'm exhausted. 

Bolded: You don't have to feel humiliated when she comes up. Please don't feel humiliated. There's not a damn thing in the world to be humiliated about - what did you do? Jack fuckin' shit, that's what. She went off the deep end, not you, and IF she ever comes back up, she should be embarrassed*. That seriously made me the saddest of anything you've posted in this whole insane saga, and your family posts just about make me cry every time. 

Ask your FI to pass the message along to his family that the subject of your sister/family is out-of-bounds until further notice, stick to your guns about not discussing it with your mom, and have a little peace and quiet. You neeeeeeeed it. Desperately.

*For clarity: Mental illness has been bandied about in here, and my (highly untrained and unprofessional) opinion is that there is definitely something not-quite-right mentally with N's sister. I want to be crystal clear in my statement - mental illness is not something to be ashamed of, in any way, shape, form, or fashion. However, I do believe that mental illness does not preclude the general you from facing some consequence for your actions. People who plead Not Guilty by reason of Insanity still have consequences, it's just not the death penalty. The consequences of N's sister's actions, in a mentally "stable" person, would be significant embarrassment at the very base minimum. 

novella1186

hellosweetie1015 said:

novella1186 said:

hellosweetie1015 said:

novella1186 said:

So this is weird? 

On my lunch break I called my aunt (my dad's sister) that I'm super close to because I felt so bad and she's my IRL voice of reason. She felt so bad that I felt so bad that she decided to read me an e-mail my mom wrote her recently. I could tell by the words/vocabulary used that it was legitimately from my mom. 

My mom said-- in the e-mail-- that she's heart broken about how nasty my sister has been to me and wishes she would have "shut her down" as soon as she started attacking me, begged my sister to immediately apologize to me but my sister refused, and also said that she's [my mom] "never come across anyone so venomous in her life." [meaning my sister] But doesn't know what to do with her, and wishes my sister would seek professional help because it's not normal for her to carry around so much rage. Hm... interesting. 

KatieinBkln said in an earlier post, that I'm the stable one so my mom comes to me to fix everything because she knows she'll get nowhere with my sister. Who knows. This just seems like a whole big web of dysfunction, with my sister right in the middle of it all. 

I have mixed feelings about your aunt reading you this. 

On the one hand, it's good to know that maybe - just maybe - your mother is not quite as BSC as previously believed, and it gives you hope that one day perhaps you can, in fact, have a happy relationship of some kind with her, even if you cannot with your sister and your dad. It may not be soon - it may take a while for the shock of the loss of her daughters' "good relationship" (which it doesn't sound like it ever was, but you know).

On the other hand, reading you this email only brought up MORE whys and made you more confused - why isn't your mother saying this to YOU? Your aunt doesn't need to hear how upset your mom is, and how wrong your mom thinks your sister was - you do. You need your family right now, and it's not helpful for your mother to treat you like she does with the apologizing for nothing, and then go to your aunt and say, "oh, I just wish Sister would get help because Novella didn't deserve that."

I just wish you could get away from the mess and let it be long enough to enjoy yourself without it coming up; it's like a scab that can't heal since it keeps getting ripped open.

I definitely feel like something about this seems to pop up on a weekly basis; whether it's FI's family asking if they should invite my crazy sister to my shower, and then I have to feel humiliated all over again when I tell them "I don't know, she still won't talk to me." Or it's my mom nagging me and driving me nuts. Or it's my sister lashing out at me again. It's like... I'm really ready for some peace and quiet now. I feel like I've been upset for months (not that it's been constant but at this point it SEEMS like it's been constant) and I'm exhausted. 

Bolded: You don't have to feel humiliated when she comes up. Please don't feel humiliated. There's not a damn thing in the world to be humiliated about - what did you do? Jack fuckin' shit, that's what. She went off the deep end, not you, and IF she ever comes back up, she should be embarrassed*. That seriously made me the saddest of anything you've posted in this whole insane saga, and your family posts just about make me cry every time. 

Ask your FI to pass the message along to his family that the subject of your sister/family is out-of-bounds until further notice, stick to your guns about not discussing it with your mom, and have a little peace and quiet. You neeeeeeeed it. Desperately.

*For clarity: Mental illness has been bandied about in here, and my (highly untrained and unprofessional) opinion is that there is definitely something not-quite-right mentally with N's sister. I want to be crystal clear in my statement - mental illness is not something to be ashamed of, in any way, shape, form, or fashion. However, I do believe that mental illness does not preclude the general you from facing some consequence for your actions. People who plead Not Guilty by reason of Insanity still have consequences, it's just not the death penalty. The consequences of N's sister's actions, in a mentally "stable" person, would be significant embarrassment at the very base minimum. 

Thanks for caring so much. That almost made me cry. I feel like I've gotten far more compassion and understanding from you internet "strangers" than from any of my own "family." You guys are so awesome. 

jdluvr06

@novella1186‌ you need a break. Seriously. When you get home at night turn off your phone. Don't read email from your family. Stay off facebook. Just cut yourself off from it for at least a week to let yourself relax. After that week is up bean dip the fuck out of anyone who tried to bring up your sis. Just stay away from it.

All you guys with crazy relatives feel free to join my family. We accept pretty much anyone who isn't an asshole. 

hellosweetie1015

jdluvr06 said:

@novella1186‌ you need a break. Seriously. When you get home at night turn off your phone. Don't read email from your family. Stay off facebook. Just cut yourself off from it for at least a week to let yourself relax. After that week is up bean dip the fuck out of anyone who tried to bring up your sis. Just stay away from it.

All you guys with crazy relatives feel free to join my family. We accept pretty much anyone who isn't an asshole. 

This is us. We like everybody. We're only a little dysfunctional.

natswild

All I have to say, is I'm sorry that you're going through this hell.  I'm sending great big hugs to you, and you're welcome to join my family too.

Jen4948

Novella, I'm so sorry your relatives have treated you so badly and that your therapist has been so unhelpful.

For whatever it's worth, you know you've done everything you could and the ball will forever be in their court, not yours, to improve things.

Even though we haven't, to my knowledge, met in person I think you're a wonderful person. I'm glad your FI and his family recognize that about you. Keep that in your mind and heart always.

(((((((Hugs)))))))

novella1186

Thanks, guys! 

mrstrevor15

SBmini

novella1186 said:

lovegood90 said:

beethery said:

Your mom should've backed you up instead of trying to get you to fix your sister's crazy. Your mom also needs to stop with guilt-trip shit if she really thinks that your sister is so fucked up.

Your sister is not your responsibility and I hope your mom gets that into her head soon.

Agree 100000x with this. Your mom's email to your aunt changes nothing, IMHO. The way she (your mom) has treated you through this whole situation, ie the guilt trips and all that BS, is what matters here. She can side with you in her opinions but if she's not being a MOM and offering actual support it means nothing. 

At least now if she tries to guilt trip me into talking to my sister I can just say "Mom, I tried and she attacked me again, remember? There's no way to reason with someone who's mentally ill and full of rage. So how's the bean dip?"  

I'm sorry I'm so late to this thread.   You are doing the right thing by cutting your sister out. The definition of insanity it doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Trying to get your sister to act normal is insane. She can be insane if she wants, but you don't have to indulge or partake in the insanity. Some times, it's better off just leaving things be and moving on. And if your mom has an issue with it- direct her to your sister. Seriously- your mom needs to get over it. I don't understand why she is so obsessed over you two getting along. It's no longer any of her business. 

porkchops926

I'm not trying to inject false hope into this whole thread, because I agree with everyone that has been giving you advice, novella, leave it alone and cut them out. 

The only thing I think might be worth mentioning is that it seems this behavior works for your sister. She gets to behave like a crazy bitch and everyone else in the family scrambles to appease her to calm things down. So, her behavior gets her what she wants and she continues, because the outcome for her is positive. It sounds like she's a narcissist as well. (In addition to BP or whatever else her actual diagnosis would be)

Obviously unless she seeks treatment, which it doesn't seem like she will, it can't be fixed. But her behavior may improve with years of reconditioning, meaning not giving in to her crazy outbursts and whims. She expects you to come crawling back and expects your mother to facilitate that. If you're not there to dump on, chances are she'll find another outlet (like her boyfriend or someone else close to her) and systematically destroy that relationship as well.

So, yeah, for your mental well being, do what everyone is saying. You're above this and don't deserve it. I'm very sorry you are going through this, but you are so fortunate to have your FI and his family to support you. 

mrscomposer

Oh sweetie.  You come join our family - C and I will give you all the sister loves.  K is the BSC younger brother, but he loves fiercely, too.

I'm so glad you have your FI and his family.

larrygaga

SBmini said:

novella1186 said:

lovegood90 said:

beethery said:

Your mom should've backed you up instead of trying to get you to fix your sister's crazy. Your mom also needs to stop with guilt-trip shit if she really thinks that your sister is so fucked up.

Your sister is not your responsibility and I hope your mom gets that into her head soon.

Agree 100000x with this. Your mom's email to your aunt changes nothing, IMHO. The way she (your mom) has treated you through this whole situation, ie the guilt trips and all that BS, is what matters here. She can side with you in her opinions but if she's not being a MOM and offering actual support it means nothing. 

At least now if she tries to guilt trip me into talking to my sister I can just say "Mom, I tried and she attacked me again, remember? There's no way to reason with someone who's mentally ill and full of rage. So how's the bean dip?"  

I'm sorry I'm so late to this thread.   You are doing the right thing by cutting your sister out. The definition of insanity it doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Trying to get your sister to act normal is insane. She can be insane if she wants, but you don't have to indulge or partake in the insanity. Some times, it's better off just leaving things be and moving on. And if your mom has an issue with it- direct her to your sister. Seriously- your mom needs to get over it. I don't understand why she is so obsessed over you two getting along. It's no longer any of her business. 

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/insanity

http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/a/alberteins133991.html

novella1186

Thanks again, everyone. 

My mom actually texted me last night NOT nagging me, just sad that my sister is being such a raving bitch (I think my aunt told her about the newest nasty e-mail from my sister? I don't know, but my aunt HATES my sister. She used to say "I don't like her but I love her because I have to." She now says "I don't have to love that bitch, I can do whatever I want, and I fuckin' hate her.") But I digress. 

My mom told me she wishes my sister would get mental help (which of course she said before, to my aunt). Well we all know that will never happen. But then also my mom said she's considering seeing a therapist to learn how to deal with my sister so she doesn't have to feel so sad about it (which would be great because she'll feel better but also because she'll learn that nagging ME to fix things is not the way to go). 

I honestly feel sorry for my mom. Her side of the family is very kind and laid-back and friendly, so she absolutely does not understand the viciousness that exists on my dad's side. Oh well. Not my problem, nothing I can do about it. 

The weird/sucky thing is that my mom and I used to be super close, but ever since all this shit happened with my sister there has been a ton of tension between my mom and I (for lots of reasons, but all circulating around the fight with my sister) so it seems like my mom and I have been fighting a lot lately, and we NEVER EVER EVER fight. 

But. Like I said yesterday, now I've tried. I can prove I've tried. I've done everything humanly possible to "fix this" and clearly my sister isn't going to let that happen because all she wants to do is be mean. Maybe this is closure for EVERYONE and the issue can be laid to rest now. I get the impression that my mom has come to her senses and she even said "you deserve time to heal and do what's best for you." Sigh of relief. I definitely feel a lot better today than I did yesterday because now I know how to proceed, I got (some kind of) an answer from crazy sister, and I also know that my mom knows that my sister is fucked in the head. So maybe I won't have to take anymore blame. 

I'm just going to take the advice all you wonderful knotties have given me: keep some distance from my family for a while, keep my sister totally out of my life, cherish my FI's family for being so wonderful, and take care of myself. Thank you times a million!