I am at a lost. It's over.

kvruns

I'd probably start with a counselor for YOU, not couples but for YOU so you can help get an idea if what you really want or don't want from this.  I think a couples thing might be good but I think it would be helpful for you to process your thoughts/feelings first, exploring the idea of could you ever trust him again, etc.

theartistformerlyknownas

There's no "right or wrong" to going to counseling or not. Only you can know whether that will help you. I think that going into it with an open mind would be best though - rather than the counseling being what you hope will save/fix your relationship, it might just be what helps you find closure with its end. Use it to help the two of you communicate more effectively, so that you understand his motivations and he understands the betrayal he committed by behaving the way he did.

flutteringinfl

OliveOilsMom said:

Did he only want to begin talking things out with you since you took "his" car back?  With someone who ended an engagement over the phone, I would be very leary of his/her motivations.

This. I'm a skeptic when it comes to things like that. It may very well be that he realized his life will be more inconvenient without you.

Only you can decide what's best for you, but if I were in your position I can't say I'd be too interested in talking to him. To me, there really wouldn't be much left to say. He effed up, and showed that he doesn't know how to handle stress. That, for me, is a dealbreaker.

FiancB

If (and that's a big IF) it's true that he was just intending for leaving for a little bit, that's still really alarming. A separation may be in order if things are seriously rocky and both people agree it would be best. It's not something you wait til the day of and then call somebody briefly at work about. I'd certainly tread very, very carefully. 

I mean, counseling can't hurt, especially not if it's for you, but I wouldn't let him think that will make you think things are hunky-dory now. 

Dreamergirl8812

Don't put any pressure on yourself. You do not need to make a decision right now, and you aren't obligated to abide by any deadline.

AlexisA01

And this is why you all rock.

ashley8918

AlexisA01 said:

Happy Easter Ladies

I will be meeting with him over this week. He and I spoke on the phone and he apologized for putting me through everything and that he will explain everything and he does want to work it out because he wasn't trying to break up. Over all e-FH was always a kind and awesome person so I do want to know what he was thinking. Every now and then he fucks up English translations from Japanese.

The spa was nice. My mom, his mom, and sister joined us and we had a lovely time. My head is clearer now and I really want to get some greasy Chinese food to end the weekend and holiday! I love you all and I appreciate everything from every single one of the ladies who messaged me and posted. 

So "I don't feel the need to be in a relationship, I want to be alone" and taking his shit and his dogs = not trying to break up?

Right. Okay. 

PrettyGirlLost

AlexisA01 said:

Happy Easter Ladies

I will be meeting with him over this week. He and I spoke on the phone and he apologized for putting me through everything and that he will explain everything and he does want to work it out because he wasn't trying to break up. Over all e-FH was always a kind and awesome person so I do want to know what he was thinking. Every now and then he fucks up English translations from Japanese.

The spa was nice. My mom, his mom, and sister joined us and we had a lovely time. My head is clearer now and I really want to get some greasy Chinese food to end the weekend and holiday! I love you all and I appreciate everything from every single one of the ladies who messaged me and posted. 

That's one HELL of a fuck up. And didn't he move his stuff out?

levioosa

I would be very wary of any moves to get back together.  He took his stuff.  That's pretty clear.  It really sounds like he is backpedaling now, especially if he realizes how inconvenient life will be without you.  I don't know if I could ever trust anyone who dealt with stress (especially relationship stress) by suddenly up and leaving.  I do think going to counseling for yourself is a great idea.  

I was also one of those people for whom a break-up happened suddenly and brutally (and also at work) after six years.  It was terrible, but it was truly for the best.  He also was the one to complain about how inconvenienced his life was once I wasn't around to take care of anything.  His roommates started to get fed up with how he couldn't seem to figure out anything without me.  A year after breaking up (and not talking once after the break-up) he texted me to see if I could lend him a pair of socks.  Fucking socks.  It made me so glad I wasn't there anymore to take his shit.  I literally lol'd and told him to drive his ass to CVS.  

Take care of yourself, and focus on what you need to do. I like Novella's statement that just because he's a great guy doesn't mean he's the right guy.  Please don't let him sweet talk you into thinking it was just a little mistake.  This is huge.  Regardless of whether or not you stay together, Lucy's got some 'splainin' to do.  

sheknows6

Breaking up with someone over the phone while you're at work??? That is the ultimate in shit-show behavior.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this situation, and I have to agree with a lot of other posts here- 

1. Not your fault. At all. 2. Let him do the work to repair the relationship because he's definitely back-pedaling; I would only schedule counseling for you if you felt you needed it but if he wants to fix it then let him do the fixing. 3. SO GLAD you got your car back.....

This whole thing....yikes. It'd be a very cold day in hell before that man earned my trust back. Hugs to you!

blueeyedkat

KatieinBkln said:

I'm scared like hell because I don't know what to do. I'm trying counseling services because it can help me and the situation.

What would happen if you let him take the wheel? In my opinion, since he's the one who behaved badly, he should be the one making calls to counselors, reaching out, doing everything he can to convince you to stay with him even though he doesn't want to be engaged. (Now? Ever? These are some questions to answer).

I can see the temptation to want to dive in and "fix it." But what happens if you don't make the first move? What happens if you wait to see exactly how invested he is in remedying this? He might rise to the occasion, or he might just let it fade away. But either way, you'll know something for sure (something that, in my opinion, is worth finding out before you pay a counselor to help find out for you).

Agree 100% with Katie. Sorry I'm late to this, but seriously, this ^^^^^.

Also, try to get away from his mom and sister for a week or two to not have them be any kind of influence over your decision(s).

In my opinion, it seems he knew exactly what he was doing. He called at work so that you couldn't confront him or stop him. He bailed, completely, and took your car. No note saying he's away for a few days to think, he completely ignored you, he couldn't even be bothered to discuss this with you at first. Take time for yourself, seek an objective counselor, think only of yourself in this decision.

Loves2dream

Let me start by saying how sorry I am for your pain. This is not an easy thing to get through. Please let me share my story to maybe give you some hope that you can get through this.

I was engaged over a decade ago. One night we were discussing food options after a tasting with our vendor and had a disagreement, not a fight or anything, we just disagreed on what to serve. I went to my parent's house for a bit that same night to work on wedding stuff and when I got home, I just knew he was gone. I knew by seeing the garbage can at the end of the driveway he left. I don't know why or how I knew from that but I did and my heart sank. We had planned most of the wedding already. We hardly fought, we were excited for the wedding, nothing about how I left that night indicated we were in for a break up. Nothing.

I went upstairs and straight to his dresser and he had in fact taken clothes. I called his parent's home and they said he was there and asked I wanted to talk to him. I said no, I just wanted to be sure he was OK and somewhere safe. We never spoke of why, he just came within two weeks, picked up his things, left me with one more check for the mortgage we had together and that was that. Done.

Fast forward 6 months after 2 weeks of constant crying and needing someone at my house at all times (I had never lived alone before), breakdowns at work where I need to meet with people on a regular basis, him moving out and taking things that weren't his, etc. and he came back to me with an explaination, finally. He had cold feet and that was it. He just had cold feet! He couldn't talk to me about it, he just moved out, left me with a mortage and our pets (thank god) and tried coming back 6 months later saying basically "Sorry, I am ready to be with you again." I told him I didn't love him that way anymore and I had moved on, I deserved better and would find better. And that was that....6 short months (that seemed like decades at the time) and I had a wake up call that I didn't do anything, he was the asshole. And I was done, I didn't need an apology, no excuses, didn't expect him to call at all.

Please ladies, don't let fools like this back in.

Good luck to you.