Honeymoon registry-still tacky?

dobbyandtiaya

Hello all!

My fiancée Kiaya and I are getting married in March, and we have been living together for about a year and a half now. We have pretty much everything that we need, but money will be pretty tight when it comes to planning a honeymoon since we are paying for the wedding on our own. I know it used to be seen as tacky to set up a honeymoon registry, and I HATE asking for money (or feeling like I'm asking for money). If we do decide to set one up, what is the best and most tactful way of going about it? What is the best site to use? Or should we nix it altogether and just do a normal gift registry (even though it would mostly just be 'upgrades')?

Thank you! I can't wait to marry the girl of my dreams :]

-Shelby

Viczaesar

dobbyandtiaya said:

Hello all!

My fiancée Kiaya and I are getting married in March, and we have been living together for about a year and a half now. We have pretty much everything that we need, but money will be pretty tight when it comes to planning a honeymoon since we are paying for the wedding on our own. I know it used to be seen as tacky to set up a honeymoon registry, and I HATE asking for money (or feeling like I'm asking for money). If we do decide to set one up, what is the best and most tactful way of going about it? What is the best site to use? Or should we nix it altogether and just do a normal gift registry (even though it would mostly just be 'upgrades')?

Thank you! I can't wait to marry the girl of my dreams :]

-Shelby

Yes, they are still rude because they are still asking for money (tacky is a subjective matter of taste; this is not).  If you would like to primarily get cash gifts you can politely indicate this by having a very small registry (the upgrades you mentioned).  If anybody directly asks you want you want you can also say that you really have everything you need, but you are saving up for a honeymoon to X location or something like that.

STARMOON44

Yup. Still tacky.

justsie

Yes, agree with PPs. Still rude and tacky.

randomslove

Still tacky. Either don't register at all and people will get the hint that money would be the most useful gift, or register for a few upgrades.

Blue_Bird

Yes, it is still rude.

Jen4948

Still rude and tacky.

banana468

No to the honeymoon registry. But definitely do a registry for upgrades.

DH and I were on our own for a few years before we started dating and then we started living together once we got engaged. We still upgraded kitchen appliances (and nearly 8 years later my food processor is fantastic) and some better cookware.

And nearly 8 years later, our towels just aren't as soft. If I could do it over, I would have registered for a better set. And our duvet covers are getting torn and buttons are falling off. I want at least one more in a high thread count but I'm picky and frugal. Ditto for curtains /rods /blankets. There is a lot out there that you can put on a registry.

hellohkb

Yes.

[Deleted User]

Yup. Always was tacky, always will be.

TrixieJess

Yep. I've been living with FI for 5 years and we have a child. We aren't doing a honeymoon registry, just a small wedding one which only one or two people will use.

Liatris2010

Keep the registry small, people will take the hint.

AddieCake

Asking for money is never suddenly going to be appropriate.

JoanE2012

Tacky!  If you plan on having a shower, it's best to create a registry (for physical gifts).  Otherwise decline.

Do note, in my area (NJ), registries are pretty much for showers only and cash is generally given at the wedding. If physical gifts are usually given in your area at the wedding, you may want to create a small registry to avoid getting gifts that may not suit your taste.

My DH and I each lived on our own for over a decade and then a short time before getting married - we had plenty of stuff!  We still managed to create a full registry - many items were upgraded, new or additional sets (ie baking pans, sheets, towels). 

photokitty

Still rude, still tacky. If you want cash, don't register. Or if you would like some upgrades, keep it small.

(Please see my canned response below...I have it for my c&p ease.)

We did not register - anywhere. I declined all showers, bc we didn't need upgrades. Everyone knows cash is always appropriate, appreciated and often preferred - literally everyone on earth knows this.

Some people will want to get you a physical gift - these are not the people who use HM registries. The people who use HM registries are people who would give you a check, but instead think that you will receive the FULL amount they gift you. You you will ACTUALLY receive that massage, not a credit on your bill and if you decide you can get the massage or take the excursion.

But I have good news
For our wedding the gifts broke down like this: 75% cash or check, 20% gift cards and 5% physical gifts.
If you want money or don't need anything don't register. This is the best way to politely suggest folks give you money. I'm telling you from experience ;-)

A HM is not polite, sorry. There is nothing wrong with saying, when asked where you are registered, we are saving up for the honeymoon (or house or big screen TV or whatever it is you'd like to purchase). GL!

YogaSandy

I definitely agree that asking for money is rude. I also think honeymoon registries are tacky - especially since the company gets a cut. As a guest, if I was giving money for a couple's honeymoon, I would want them to receive all of it.

However, I don't necessarily believe that if you don't register people will get the hint and give you money. I was married when I was 23, and felt that registries were tacky. To me, it felt like BUY ME THIS (I'm still sorta on the fence about it 11 years later - won't side eye it for someone else, but makes me a tad uncomfortable for myself). We didn't register. If people asked what we wanted / needed, we told them. My mom told people for the shower (if they asked) that we were really into tea, so we got a lot of different tea accessories. It was great. We didn't register (not because I was hoping for money - that never even crossed my mind as a reason not to do it, and I had only ever been to one wedding before, so I didn't know that lots of people give money. I love picking out gifts for people, so I assumed a lot of people like physical gifts). I'd say our gifts were probably about 40-50% physical. They were all wonderful and really reflected how well people knew us. And it was a lot of fun to open them. I had 156 people at my wedding - so it wasn't really small. DH and I had lived together for a year and a half, so we already had all the essentials. Now, eight years later my brother got married. They didn't register. A lot of the guests were the same. He probably (not sure, but I was at the opening the next day) received 20% or less physical gifts.

We only received one physical gift that didn't work for us. It was from my grandma. Part of the present was a very nice (my mom told me later quite expensive) down duvet. We used it for a bit, but I was very allergic to it. I felt bad. Mom felt bad because she told grandma it was a good idea. I had never used one before (or even down filled pillows) so we had no idea how much it would bother me. I ended up giving it to my sister. She loves it.

I think money is always nice. My mom told me they received mostly money for their wedding. She appreciated it very much, but years later, she had nothing to look at and think, "this (pot) was from
My wedding." This may not be the case of you are using it for your honeymoon. Whenever I use our fancy drink glasses, I think they were such nice wedding presents.

AddieCake

We got several gifts not from the registry even though we had one, and we got very little cash. I think it's just a crapshoot when it comes to what you will get from people.

climbingsingle

It's still rude and tacky.

Viczaesar

YogaSandy said:

I definitely agree that asking for money is rude. I also think honeymoon registries are tacky - especially since the company gets a cut. As a guest, if I was giving money for a couple's honeymoon, I would want them to receive all of it. However, I don't necessarily believe that if you don't register people will get the hint and give you money. I was married when I was 23, and felt that registries were tacky. To me, it felt like BUY ME THIS (I'm still sorta on the fence about it 11 years later - won't side eye it for someone else, but makes me a tad uncomfortable for myself). We didn't register. If people asked what we wanted / needed, we told them. My mom told people for the shower (if they asked) that we were really into tea, so we got a lot of different tea accessories. It was great. We didn't register (not because I was hoping for money - that never even crossed my mind as a reason not to do it, and I had only ever been to one wedding before, so I didn't know that lots of people give money. I love picking out gifts for people, so I assumed a lot of people like physical gifts). I'd say our gifts were probably about 40-50% physical. They were all wonderful and really reflected how well people knew us. And it was a lot of fun to open them. I had 156 people at my wedding - so it wasn't really small. DH and I had lived together for a year and a half, so we already had all the essentials. Now, eight years later my brother got married. They didn't register. A lot of the guests were the same. He probably (not sure, but I was at the opening the next day) received 20% or less physical gifts. We only received one physical gift that didn't work for us. It was from my grandma. Part of the present was a very nice (my mom told me later quite expensive) down duvet. We used it for a bit, but I was very allergic to it. I felt bad. Mom felt bad because she told grandma it was a good idea. I had never used one before (or even down filled pillows) so we had no idea how much it would bother me. I ended up giving it to my sister. She loves it. I think money is always nice. My mom told me they received mostly money for their wedding. She appreciated it very much, but years later, she had nothing to look at and think, "this (pot) was from My wedding." This may not be the case of you are using it for your honeymoon. Whenever I use our fancy drink glasses, I think they were such nice wedding presents.

Well yes, because when people asked you or your mom indicated that you wanted physical gifts.  If you don't want physical gifts and people ask you don't say e.g. "We like tea-related items", you say "That's so kind of you to ask but we really don't need anything for our house.  We are saving up for a dream honeymoon to Jamaica, but really, all we want is to celebrate our wedding day with you!"

southernbelle0915

There is no tactful way to do it, because no matter how you spin it, you're asking for money (which is against etiquette).

People will give you cash for your wedding. And they will ask you where you're registered and what you want. You can say "we aren't registered/we only have a small registry because we are saving up for our honeymoon." People are smart. They get it.

[Deleted User]

I think there might even be a pinned post about this.

MairePoppy

I always give a gift from the registry for the shower, if I'm  invited, and $$ for the wedding gift. The B & G can use my $$ any way they want. I wouldn't give to a honeymoon registry or any kind of  money request becasue 1. the company collecting the money is going to take a cut. and 2. It's tacky to ask for money.

You should create a small registry for upgrades that you absolutely want. Add some luggage and travel items you might like for your honeymoon.There are guests who will not give cash and prefer to give a boxed gift.

julieanne912

I dislike honeymoon registries.  My cousin had one last year, along with a small physical registry that was mostly picked over by the time I saw it, as she had a shower.  I ended up gifting her something like a couples massage from her honeymoon registry.  It's been over a year, and they have yet to go on the honeymoon.  So I wonder about my gift.  Does it just sit there til they go somewhere?  Does she just take the cash that's leftover after the website takes their cut?  I now wish I had just given her the cash.  

Didn't get a thank you note from her either but that's a different thread

PS, FI and I are not going on a honeymoon at all, because we can't afford it.  Sucks, but it is what it is.  Not about to ask my guests to fund one for us.

SP29

Yep. Still tacky.

Everyone knows cash is a good gift.

I think a small registry is still nice, as there are some guests who only give physical gifts.

We had a good sized registry (we were mostly interested in the completion discount ), and we received mainly cash gifts. We also received 2 gifts not on our registry, one of them from a friend who only gives physical gifts (but both gifts were great!).

MesmrEwe

Definitely still tacky (less-so if you're over 50, but no, still tacky at any age!)...  BUT, not quite as tacky as the couple who stated "10% of all cash gifts will be donated to the charity of our choice" then proceeded to register for stuff that was out of people's budgets at stores more than 2 hours from the nearest guest when most still don't have internet access... 

[Deleted User]

MesmrEwe said:

Definitely still tacky (less-so if you're over 50, but no, still tacky at any age!)...  BUT, not quite as tacky as the couple who stated "10% of all cash gifts will be donated to the charity of our choice" then proceeded to register for stuff that was out of people's budgets at stores more than 2 hours from the nearest guest when most still don't have internet access... 

Definitely NOT less tacky if you're over 50 because at that age you should definitely know better than to ask people to pay for your fucking vacation.

MandyMost

A honeymoon registry is rude because it's essentially asking for money (which is ALWAYS rude), and it's also a bad idea because they take some of the money.

Your guests are not stupid. Everyone knows cash is a good gift. And if you have a small registry, and word gets around that you're saving up for a honeymoon, you'll get cash for your wedding.

perdj182xxxx

I have the same situation and after advice had a smaller registry. I received multiple duplicates and gift cards to the place my registry was at. The only cash was from my grandma. The gift cards were nice since I could buy what I want, but the smaller registry didn't work out because people still wanted to buy gifts. I should have had a bigger registry so I could have at least received what I wanted instead of duplicates I have no space for and can't return.

My advice: People who want to give cash will give cash. Having a small registry will not mean you will receive cash. Just means people will buy you something they think you might like/need, so might as well put everything on a registry.

MandyMost

perdj182xxxx said:

I have the same situation and after advice had a smaller registry. I received multiple duplicates and gift cards to the place my registry was at. The only cash was from my grandma. The gift cards were nice since I could buy what I want, but the smaller registry didn't work out because people still wanted to buy gifts. I should have had a bigger registry so I could have at least received what I wanted instead of duplicates I have no space for and can't return.

My advice: People who want to give cash will give cash. Having a small registry will not mean you will receive cash. Just means people will buy you something they think you might like/need, so might as well put everything on a registry.

Wow! Having a small registry worked out great for me! We got gifts off the Registry from probably about 10 people, which covered about 75% of our Registry, gift cards from maybe 5 people, and cash from maybe 40 people. We used some of the money to buy the remaining 25% of the Registry, since we only registered for stuff we really wanted. 

And why can't you return the gifts?!

perdj182xxxx

@MandyMost

I didn't get any gift receipts and since they weren't registered as being purchased directly from my registry I couldn't return them.

I'm glad having a small registry worked out in your favor!

levioosa

Super rude.  Super tacky.  Don't register anywhere and people will give cash.  If people ask you where you are registered, tell them, "Oh, we aren't registered anywhere, but we are saving up for the honeymoon!"