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to invite or not to invite

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Re: to invite or not to invite

  • This poor child, he did nothing wrong except be born to a woman OP finds beneath her and he's going to be subject to a lifetime of being treated like a second class citizen in his own home.

    I am not personally part of a blended family, but my boss, who I work closely with and know his family very well have a blended family. He remarried a few years ago and his new wife has since had 2 kids of her own. His children from his prior marriage want to be with their Stepmom more than their own mother because she treats them like they're all her kids. They are one loving family and the stepkids aren't treated any differently than the biokids and it's so good to see.

    Why on earth would you marry someone when you obviously hate his kid? You know how people say you're not just marrying your spouse, you're marrying their family? It's fucking true.

    I am disgusted reading this thread, it makes my heart break to see someone be so heartless about an innocent child. He did absolutely nothing and he is going to grow up hating you, OP, and it's no one's fault but your own. You need to reevaluate if you want to marry his father because unless he's as heartless as you once he realizes how little you care about his child you're going to be done with this marriage real fast. I would hate to imagine a world where you both have kids and they are treated best, then your own kids, and then maybe the dog, and finally, way at the bottom, his son. Whose only crime is existing.

    Enjoy the unsolicited life advice, you really need it!
    ei34Viczaesar



  • VADI said:




    VADI said:



    People are not trying to be holier-than-thou (an idiom you've used multiple times now). They're trying to point out the giant freaking red flags you're putting up. Ignore them, fine. It's not going to affect them. They know that.

    They're trying to help you when they see something that you may not see. They're trying to give you a more compassionate and objective perspective when it comes to the behavior of your FI's ex, something that can be hard for you to be objective about. They're trying to give you a realistic picture of what co-parenting will be like as the legal wife of this man, who has a son who's four, things you don't seem to be realistic about.

    Just because you're getting defensive doesn't mean other people are being pretentious or rude.

    while it's true that getting defensive doesn't mean people are being pretentious or rude, comments like Grow up, are exactly that.

    No, that's blunt. Rude would be telling you you're a horrible person who should never have children. No one would or should say that. But telling you the truth (that you need to have a more mature perspective on this situation, which takes into account your actual responisibilites, or, "grow up") is not rude, just because it isn't sugarcoated in the telling.

    Actually, there are responses in this thread that have said exactly that. How terrible a person I am... how they feel sorry for the kids... how I need to include the kid's mom in my life... no, I don't. His relationship with her is separate from my relationship with him. 

    HE needs to co-parent with HER. I only need to co-parent with HIM. As the kid is his son, I defer to what he wants. I can suggest, convince recommend all I want - but in the end, it's HIS choice. 

    You may not agree - and you don't have to, but we are doing what works for us, and rolling over for the mom's every single wish is not going to happen. She's not more important than the father, despite how you're trying to make it seem like she's the one that gets to call every shot.


    No one has you should roll over for her every single wish. That is where you're projecting this. 

    We're saying that she has some legitimate concerns about her kid's childcare situation when he's with his father. This is a wish you do need to take into account.

    She might also have many, tiny, minor concerns, which are probably super annoying.





    I think k this is where there's confusion. Her concerns may very well be legitimate - however, she does not get to parent over FI.

    If it's FI's time, and he decides to treat his son to McDonald's... mom doesn't get to say FI is not allowed.

    If it's FI's time, and FI wants to let SS stay up a little later to watch a movie with the rest of us, mom doesn't get to order FI to make SS go to bed at the time she wants him to.

    Her concerns are legitimate, as a parent, however FI is the parent as well, and they're not concerns to him.

    You guys are saying that FI should roll over by letting the mom be able to parent 100% of the time whether the child is in her care or FIs....and I'm saying that she should back off and let him parent like a big boy when it's his turn.
  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    Changing your screen name and trying to post as someone else, doesn't make it to where we don't know it's you OP.
    InLoveInQueensei34lnixon8
  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    I'm seriously cracking up that VADI changed her screenname to Newfiebride and is posting as someone else. 
    kimmiinthemitten
  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    Newfiebride said:I think k this is where there's confusion. Her concerns may very well be legitimate - however, she does not get to parent over FI.

    If it's FI's time, and he decides to treat his son to McDonald's... mom doesn't get to say FI is not allowed.

    If it's FI's time, and FI wants to let SS stay up a little later to watch a movie with the rest of us, mom doesn't get to order FI to make SS go to bed at the time she wants him to.

    Her concerns are legitimate, as a parent, however FI is the parent as well, and they're not concerns to him.

    You guys are saying that FI should roll over by letting the mom be able to parent 100% of the time whether the child is in her care or FIs....and I'm saying that she should back off and let him parent like a big boy when it's his turn.
    VADI said:
    she is an absolute POS... but I never said I was better than her.

    I gave the details of the issues I'm facing. Facts, and I'm the one being blasted in how I need to show her respect and be considerate of her.

    The only consideration I need to give her, is the consideration she agreed to get in her court documents. Sure, I could be the bigger person and give her more... but why?

    I can afford activities for my kids... they're in dance, football... SS is not. I pay a portion the activities for my kids, their father pays another portion, and their grandparents kick in the rest.

    Should SS also get an activity, because his mom feels he should be treated fairly?

    Newsflash - he IS being treated fairly. My kids' parents are paying for activities they can afford. So are his. Fair doesn't mean equal.

    Yet to her, this means I hate her child.
    I'm sorry, but no you can't afford activities for your kids if you're having your parents chip in to pay them. SS should absolutely have an activity that his mom and dad pay for. Since you're marrying his dad, that means you're partly responsible for paying (the whole what's mine is yours, what's yours is mine philosophy). 
    I get what you are saying...but a judge would, and has, disagreed. There are some things that are not combined when marrying, regardless of individual feelings about it. 

    He can have an activity... if his parents pay for it. If FI pays for some, hey great..
     But I'm not going to take over her share. That would be equivalent to making FI pay for things my kids dad currently has to pay.

    I'm not saying I would never contribute... but I'm not going to contribute in the place of the mom. She doesn't get an easy ride on my dime. Why should she? What's his is mine and mine is his... but will never be hers.

    If he feels that I love my kids more... well duh...they're my kids. By that logic, if mom buys him something jointly with dad... they should also buy my kids something... ummm, no.

    My kids aren't savage enough to expect extras just so everyone has the same amount of things because that's what proves love...they understand that they have 2 parents who are responsible for them, and that amything given to them by steps is extra, and whether extras are given or not is not an indication of love.

    SS will eventually understand this too.
    QFP
  • If the bio mom is so horrible, then you and your FI should consider fighting for full custody. 
    charlotte989875InLoveInQueensei34
  • By your logic I should be downgrading the lives my kids are able to live to the standard of living the mom can afford...just so the kid won't have his feelings hurt... if my kids paternal grandparents treat my kids to something...should I say no because SS isn't invited?

    That's simply ridiculous.

    If SS goes to visit his mom's family and gets gifts. .. should my kids get some too? 

    Also ridiculous.

    When they're in our home, they're all treated fairly... which means they get what is appropriate to them, as individuals. They don't all get lumped into a one size fits all category just so everyone gets the same... else the older ones would just get dollar store toys as treats and stickers for using the bathroom.

    Everyone gets what they deserve...as a loved member of the family... but everyone also has individual things, personal to them. It's not going to be the exact same for everyone, ever. 
  • I'm seriously cracking up that VADI changed her screenname to Newfiebride and is posting as someone else. 
    Where am I trying to post as someone else?
  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    I'm seriously cracking up that VADI changed her screenname to Newfiebride and is posting as someone else. 
    Where am I trying to post as someone else?
    Where I quoted you up there changing from I to she. 
  • If the bio mom is so horrible, then you and your FI should consider fighting for full custody. 
    Who says we aren't?   I posted earlier in the thread that FI has seen an attorney several times, and is following his advice on dealing with the mom... we're documenting everything.
  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    I'm strong enough to admit when I'm wrong and in this case, I'm wrong. You changed your name not your pronouns. 
     
    I apologize for the accusation.
  • banana468 said:
    By your logic I should be downgrading the lives my kids are able to live to the standard of living the mom can afford...just so the kid won't have his feelings hurt... if my kids paternal grandparents treat my kids to something...should I say no because SS isn't invited?

    That's simply ridiculous.

    If SS goes to visit his mom's family and gets gifts. .. should my kids get some too? 

    Also ridiculous.

    When they're in our home, they're all treated fairly... which means they get what is appropriate to them, as individuals. They don't all get lumped into a one size fits all category just so everyone gets the same... else the older ones would just get dollar store toys as treats and stickers for using the bathroom.

    Everyone gets what they deserve...as a loved member of the family... but everyone also has individual things, personal to them. It's not going to be the exact same for everyone, ever. 
    No, I'm saying that if your own children are engaged in an activity as members of your household then SS gets to be involved in some comparable activity if he desires.

    It's not fair to tell him that his step siblings get to do something because you can afford it but he can't because his father can't.

    I'd even go so far as to tell your parents that it would be nice to keep SS in mind when giving gifts.   No, they don't have to be as equal but they should understand that all 3 children are members of the household.


    My parents do keep SS in mind. 

    I can afford to have my kids in activities only because my ex and our parents pay into them as well. If they didn't,  I couldn't afford it.  They've been in these activities for years, and they've always been paid this way.

    No, it's not "fair" that SS has parents who can't afford things like that. 

    It's also not fair to expect me to pay for what his parents cannot. 
  • I'm seriously cracking up that VADI changed her screenname to Newfiebride and is posting as someone else. 
    Where am I trying to post as someone else?
    Where I quoted you up there changing from I to she. 
    If you read it again, you'll realize that when Im using "her"... the "her" references the mom's concerns.....in response to flantastic having said she has legitimate concerns... 
  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    edited March 2017
    My parents do keep SS in mind. 

    I can afford to have my kids in activities only because my ex and our parents pay into them as well. If they didn't,  I couldn't afford it.  They've been in these activities for years, and they've always been paid this way.

    No, it's not "fair" that SS has parents who can't afford things like that. 

    It's also not fair to expect me to pay for what his parents cannot. 
    You're just heartless. I could not imagine doing to a child I proclaim to love what you are doing to this one. Fuck him for being born to poor parents. He can sit and watch your REAL kids have fun.

    It's absolutely fair to expect you to treat him like part of the family.
    InLoveInQueens
  • You can always send me money to pay for that which I cannot afford, just so the speshul snowflakes feelings won't be hurt... heartless? No. Living within my means.... which up until we started living together....did not include a 4th child.

    There is such a thing as a transition period... merging incomes... budgeting.... and merge as you will.... my income cannot support an activity for a 4th child....and FI'S cannot support an activity for 1. 

    1 and 1 do not make 3... however unfair it is.
  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    You can always send me money to pay for that which I cannot afford, just so the speshul snowflakes feelings won't be hurt... heartless? No. Living within my means.... which up until we started living together....did not include a 4th child.

    There is such a thing as a transition period... merging incomes... budgeting.... and merge as you will.... my income cannot support an activity for a 4th child....and FI'S cannot support an activity for 1. 

    1 and 1 do not make 3... however unfair it is.
    At least you've finally come clean with your disdain for this child.
  • Once you and FI get married, you shouldn't refer to things as "my money" or "his money". It should be "our money". We both need to work together to create a budget for OUR household that fits within OUR income. #1 cause of divorce is money. If you continue to look at money issues the way you currently do, guaranteed it will make your marriage more difficult. 
    DrillSergeantCatshort+sassyInLoveInQueens
  • Once you and FI get married, you shouldn't refer to things as "my money" or "his money". It should be "our money". We both need to work together to create a budget for OUR household that fits within OUR income. #1 cause of divorce is money. If you continue to look at money issues the way you currently do, guaranteed it will make your marriage more difficult. 
    And Our Son.
    InLoveInQueens
  • You can always send me money to pay for that which I cannot afford, just so the speshul snowflakes feelings won't be hurt... heartless? No. Living within my means.... which up until we started living together....did not include a 4th child.

    There is such a thing as a transition period... merging incomes... budgeting.... and merge as you will.... my income cannot support an activity for a 4th child....and FI'S cannot support an activity for 1. 

    1 and 1 do not make 3... however unfair it is.
    You (the two of you) can afford to take care of a 4th child, where everyone is treated like equal members of the family... if you change your lifestyle. It can be done. I'm trying to have my second child now, and it will require changing our lifestyle. We won't get to eat out as much as we had, for example. We won't get to subscribe to MLB.tv. Little luxuries like that. Maybe we'll even have to move into a smaller place. I also currently make more money than DH. If this second child were because I was marrying him and it were to be my stepson, we would make the same changes - not "My daughter shouldn't have to give up weekly dates to her favorite restaurant because my H doesn't make enough money to pay for his kid to come each week."

    Your FI and his child are a package deal. If you really don't want to change in order to incorporate them both into your family, then don't. But the child has to be part of the package.
    I'm not disagreeing with you - but it takes time. They started activities at 6. He won't get it earlier than they all did. It won't be at 4. No special treatment.

    And we've done the obvious like curbing luxuries....because I'd have to pay, and can't. Meaning, my kids go without, so they don't get shafted.

    We've already made many changes....and honestly most of them have been by taking away from mine so as to be able to include everyone or no one, and that's not been fair to them either. 

    Combining incomes or not...the bills are what they are, and good intentions does not additional funds make.
    DrillSergeantCatshort+sassy
  • About the money thing; I get it you can't make money grow on trees. We all wish we could. You also can't force her to chip in more for his activities. But you will be the ones to deal with the consequences of a kid with hurt feelings because he sees his siblings getting to do things that he wants to do but is being told no by you and his Dad. It sucks, it's probably unfair, but sweetie, that's life. You can keep saying she needs to pay for those things if he wants to do things, but at the end of the day, he's going to feel like you treated him worse than his siblings, and you're going to have to deal with the effects of that. 
    DrillSergeantCatshort+sassySP29
  • Either way I'm damned if I do, damn ed if I don't. .. and giving the mom an inch, she'll take a mile. She's already proven that. Several times.

    She is truly a piece of work... and to get into all of it is for another day... but here are a few examples of why I think the way I think.

    Christmas: I bought a few things for SS.

    My mom also bought SS stuff. She bought him a few toys, books, and some clothes.

    My kids even bought SS some trinkets.

    SS's mom's reaction? 

    She told me I had no business treating him like my son, because he is HER son... and tried to disallow FI from taking SS anywhere around my family, because she didn't want SS to grow up thinking SS was part of my family, because he's not, and that she'll make sure he knows he's not.

    Valentines day: I bought all my kids a valentine's treat. I bought one for SS too.

    Her reaction? 

    Her first text of the day to us that day was to FI, saying how "that bitch" better not play mom and think she can buy her baby boy off with some cheap ass chocolate.

    It was 7:30 am. FI didn't tell me about the text.

    The treats were given after dinner. The kids ate them. 

    After SS was dropped off, FI told me about the text from the morning as we drove home. A moment later the texts started.... how DARE I go against what she specified...who the hell did I think I was... how DARE he allow HER son to accept tokens of affection from me...I was NOT his mother...

    According to her, I'm not allowed to take care of her son in any way. It's all up to FI. She expects that I cook for my kids, and that FI takes care of his son's dinner. 

    According to her, I'm not allowed to hug/kiss her son, nor tell him I love him, because it will confuse the kid and he needs to know my place.

    According to her, I'm not allowed in any way shape or form to be responsible for the kid. If FI is shoveling outside, she expects SS to be dressed and go outside instead of staying warm indoors, because SS needs to be with his dad and not left with "some other woman".

    According to her, I'm not allowed to comfort he boy if he gets a booboo. I'm not allowed to help him use the potty. I'm not allowed to take pics of him. I'm not allowed to refer to him as part of my family. I'm not allowed to....etc etc etc.

    Not only does she expect all these ridiculous things... she SCREAMS them to FI, and she does it in front of her son.

    Got any idea how pathetic it is to have a 4 year old parrot after his mom saying "you're not allowed to say you love me" at bedtime when I try to give him a little tuck in? How it sucks watching FI struggling to try and tell his son that's not an ok thing to say?

    She expets that I don't date take on any responsibilities when it comessage to "parenting" SS.... yet she expects me to take on the financial aspect of things...

    I'm sorry, but SS really got the shit end of the stick when it came to mothers. FI and I NEVER talk poorly about her when SS is around... but she doesn't hold back in the toxic alienation attempts.

    Either way is going to be a shitty situation.... and we have chosen, that while SS is still too young to fully grasp the ins and outs of how toxic this all is, to use her expectations against her while we fight to be able to give SS a "better life" by documenting every single toxic instance to demo state that she is an abusive nutjob, and that it is in the child's better interest to be with us full time.

    She doesn't want me to have anything to do with SS... yet expects me to financially support him. She can't have it both ways... and we're slowly "teaching" her that.


    Still think I should respect her wishes, because "she's the mother"?

    I, for one, think she can go suck an egg.
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