Wedding Etiquette Forum

to invite or not to invite

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Re: to invite or not to invite

  • mollybarker11mollybarker11 member
    500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 500 Comments Name Dropper
    edited March 2017
    I think k this is where there's confusion. Her concerns may very well be legitimate - however, she does not get to parent over FI.

    If it's FI's time, and he decides to treat his son to McDonald's... mom doesn't get to say FI is not allowed.

    If it's FI's time, and FI wants to let SS stay up a little later to watch a movie with the rest of us, mom doesn't get to order FI to make SS go to bed at the time she wants him to.

    Her concerns are legitimate, as a parent, however FI is the parent as well, and they're not concerns to him.

    You guys are saying that FI should roll over by letting the mom be able to parent 100% of the time whether the child is in her care or FIs....and I'm saying that she should back off and let him parent like a big boy when it's his turn.
    Look I get that not every breakup is a ~conscious uncoupling~ where the exes can happily make every decision together as a team. (Even parents in relationships struggle to make joint parenting choices sometimes.) But it really does seem like you & FH actively go against BM's wishes, which you admit are borne out of legitimate concerns, solely to spite her and stake your claim on some invisible Dad Land.

    There is a middle ground between letting BM call all the shots and saying "fuck you, my time = my rules". Just like with the extracurriculars, your attempts to bar BM from taking advantage of FH are only hurting SS. Children need stability, not two alternative universes depending on which house they're in.

    EDIT//Just saw your latest post in which you confirmed my suspicion that you're just trying to teach BM a lesson. Again, it's not working. More importantly, 4 is plenty old enough to grasp how toxic it is. If anything, a teenager might be able to realize his self-worth independent from the way he's used as a pawn in his parents' power game. This child can ONLY feel the toxicity.
    Heffalumpcowgirl8238MyNameIsNot
  • Sorry for all the typos, I'm typing on my cell.
  • Look I get that not every breakup is a ~conscious uncoupling~ where the exes can happily make every decision together as a team. (Even parents in relationships struggle to make joint parenting choices sometimes.) But it really does seem like you & FH actively go against BM's wishes, which you admit are borne out of legitimate concerns, solely to spite her and stake your claim on some invisible Dad Land.

    There is a middle ground between letting BM call all the shots and saying "fuck you, my time = my rules". Just like with the extracurriculars, your attempts to bar BM from taking advantage of FH are only hurting SS. Children need stability, not two alternative universes depending on which house they're in.
    They never broke up, they were never together.

    We don't say fuck you my time my rules... it's much more tactful than that, though she can definitely interpret that as the main message.

     Usually involves begging and pleading from FI for her to please be reasonable and that she's just hurting the child.
  • edited March 2017
    I think k this is where there's confusion. Her concerns may very well be legitimate - however, she does not get to parent over FI.

    If it's FI's time, and he decides to treat his son to McDonald's... mom doesn't get to say FI is not allowed.

    If it's FI's time, and FI wants to let SS stay up a little later to watch a movie with the rest of us, mom doesn't get to order FI to make SS go to bed at the time she wants him to.

    Her concerns are legitimate, as a parent, however FI is the parent as well, and they're not concerns to him.

    You guys are saying that FI should roll over by letting the mom be able to parent 100% of the time whether the child is in her care or FIs....and I'm saying that she should back off and let him parent like a big boy when it's his turn.
    Look I get that not every breakup is a ~conscious uncoupling~ where the exes can happily make every decision together as a team. (Even parents in relationships struggle to make joint parenting choices sometimes.) But it really does seem like you & FH actively go against BM's wishes, which you admit are borne out of legitimate concerns, solely to spite her and stake your claim on some invisible Dad Land.

    There is a middle ground between letting BM call all the shots and saying "fuck you, my time = my rules". Just like with the extracurriculars, your attempts to bar BM from taking advantage of FH are only hurting SS. Children need stability, not two alternative universes depending on which house they're in.

    EDIT//Just saw your latest post in which you confirmed my suspicion that you're just trying to teach BM a lesson. Again, it's not working. More importantly, 4 is plenty old enough to grasp how toxic it is. If anything, a teenager might be able to realize his self-worth independent from the way he's used as a pawn in his parents' power game. This child can ONLY feel the toxicity.
    It's not all about teaching her a lesson. The lesson we're trying to teach her is that if we do things her way... SS will grow up to feel like he doesn't belong in our family...and nobody wants that. At least, WE don't. 

    When she says things like how I should pay for new clothes for SS because I make more money... our response is that since she doesn't want me to have anything to do with him, I will not.

    In the meantime.... when SS says I'm not allowed to hug him...I tickle the crap outta him while saying I can't help it because I love him so much... and he laughs and he hugs me... yep...what a lesson.

  • You're misunderstanding. She dictates all the above. .. but we don't abide by it. I hug him, cuddle him etc regardless of what she says. I treat him like my son.

    I "get" her concerns.... but she needs to let her sons father be the father instead of her bitch. 

    We have been just "ignoring" all of it. Giving her necessary information as per the custody order.

    I KNOW it's not the ideal..but it's what we're doing. For now.
  • BM sounds like a total piece of work. It must be very frustrating to have to work with someone like that but those are the cards you were dealt. Honestly, taking the high road is your only option. Treat her how you want to be treated, lead by example, act like mature, responsible, level headed adults instead of playing games. If she is screaming tell her that screaming is not acceptable and when she wants to talk you will listen, then hang up the phone. It will take time but eventually it will lead to a less heated relationship which will benefit the child. Start by your FI asking her if she has a preferred childcare provider that can bring the child home on your wedding night or if it is okay if one of your teenagers does it. 

    Counseling between FI and BM wouldn't hurt either, btw.
    That's what we're trying to do.... "teach" her. With someone like that, you have to treat like a child. Laying out expectations, consequences, and then follow through.

    The expectation we are trying to teach, is that FI is just as qualified to parent, and she needs to let him. Nobody should be able to control what goes on in the other parent's home, but she wants to. Demands to. Foams at the mouth to!

    It is definitely frustrating....because no matter how situations unfold, she will be angry. Even when she gets exactly what she demands.
  • Jells2dot0Jells2dot0 Cowtown mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    I come from a blended family and am currently in a semi-blended family (H has kids, I do not). I see both sides of the ongoing discussion.

    Coming from a blended family where my dad's gf's kids were treated better than myself because they lived with him really hurt. Aside from money, they also got more of his time. I resent my father for that tremendously. I realize it's a bit different because your FI is not treating your kids better than his own, but I do believe there needs to be "rules" set in how to support each child as equally as possible. If your kids happen to get extra outside of the rules from their dad or grandparents, then it might not be completely equal, but you can't really stop the child's other family from assisting.

    Now, in my own current blended family, I have made it clear from day 1 that I cannot and will not be forced to financially support his children. Granted, they were 13 and 10 when I met him and 20 and 17 when we married (and again, I have none of my own). If I choose to assist them out of my own interest, I will do so - and I have. I always gave them my time and emotional support. However, I'm not in a marriage where things became "ours" once married and if their mom could not afford her half of something, I absolutely would not step in to offset unless it was an emergency. I would expect my H to decide if he wants to offset. I know that may sound harsh to some on here, but we had to do some significant boundary building with my H's ex. Similar to you, she wanted his kids to have nothing to do with me, but would try to get more out of us all of the time. Example- trying to get me to pay child support. Um, no- not the law in our state. So, I see the side of "she can't have it both ways". So, during the boundary building, I took a step back from the kids a bit. The kids were old enough to know what was going on, so I could see a young child getting confused with relationships and boundaries. Now that the kids are grown and out of the house, I may take a different approach and chip in to help with something for one of them. In fact, I am- I am paying for the costs for us to help one daughter move this summer. But, there is no visitation, custody, child support, etc nonsense anymore. 

    Blended family dynamics are nuts and each one is different. It can be complicated by so many factors, including legals ones, and each couple needs to decide what is best for their family. Regardless, as I said above, there does need to be equality among the kids, at least when it comes to your household, and you both need to agree to apply it the same. 

    All of that said, I stand by my first post way back on page 2 or 3 - get all of this worked out and settled before getting married. You'll be doing yourselves and your relationship a HUGE favor. 

     







    short+sassySP29PrettyGirlLost
  • BM sounds like a total piece of work. It must be very frustrating to have to work with someone like that but those are the cards you were dealt. Honestly, taking the high road is your only option. Treat her how you want to be treated, lead by example, act like mature, responsible, level headed adults instead of playing games. If she is screaming tell her that screaming is not acceptable and when she wants to talk you will listen, then hang up the phone. It will take time but eventually it will lead to a less heated relationship which will benefit the child. Start by your FI asking her if she has a preferred childcare provider that can bring the child home on your wedding night or if it is okay if one of your teenagers does it. 

    Counseling between FI and BM wouldn't hurt either, btw.
    That's what we're trying to do.... "teach" her. With someone like that, you have to treat like a child. Laying out expectations, consequences, and then follow through.

    The expectation we are trying to teach, is that FI is just as qualified to parent, and she needs to let him. Nobody should be able to control what goes on in the other parent's home, but she wants to. Demands to. Foams at the mouth to!

    It is definitely frustrating....because no matter how situations unfold, she will be angry. Even when she gets exactly what she demands.
    True but it will work if your favor if you work with her. Instead of getting hung up on Dad being able to do what ever he wants because "it's his son too" they need to work together. My dad let me watch Pulp Fiction when I was 9, my mom was PISSED. My parents were in a constant pissing match about shit, like if my dad was 15minutes late picking us up she would take us somewhere so he wouldn't be able to. My dad works construction so it was really hard for him to get off at a specific time every Tuesday. She wouldn't let my grandparents pick us up either. Granted he would also use them when he wanted to spend time with his future wife. Who (SM), eventually, resented my existence so much that she wouldn't let me in the house, my dad and I would either go out of town and/or stay in hotels or he would leave me at my grandparents. My dad and Stepmom were divorced within 5 years.

    I will continue to recommend family counseling for your FI and BM. Once they have worked on their communication skills a little bit then you should be brought in as well.
    Heffalumpmollybarker11cowgirl8238MyNameIsNot
  • True but it will work if your favor if you work with her. Instead of getting hung up on Dad being able to do what ever he wants because "it's his son too" they need to work together. My dad let me watch Pulp Fiction when I was 9, my mom was PISSED. My parents were in a constant pissing match about shit, like if my dad was 15minutes late picking us up she would take us somewhere so he wouldn't be able to. My dad works construction so it was really hard for him to get off at a specific time every Tuesday. She wouldn't let my grandparents pick us up either. Granted he would also use them when he wanted to spend time with his future wife. Who (SM), eventually, resented my existence so much that she wouldn't let me in the house, my dad and I would either go out of town and/or stay in hotels or he would leave me at my grandparents. My dad and Stepmom were divorced within 5 years.

    I will continue to recommend family counseling for your FI and BM. Once they have worked on their communication skills a little bit then you should be brought in as well.
    I know what you mean.  It's just not possible to work with her... even when we give her exactly what she's bitching about, it's not good enough, and she finds something to keep bitching about. 

    Parents will always be in conflict over something that's done differently than how they'd do it... and that's normal. One parent thinks Pulp Fiction is appropriate, one does not. One parent thinks McDonald's once in a month is not a big deal, the other flips her shiznit.

    Thing about blended families... the stepparent doesn't usually hate the child... but generally, when there is a difficult ex in the picture, SO MUCH time and energy is spent trying to keep the ex in line, or placate them, or dealing with guilty parent feelings because the child is now making the parent feel like crap because the toxic parent has alientated them.. (PAS - it's a real thing!) (you have a newwwww family now... you don't looooove me anymore.... you prefer herrrrr over meeee....), that the marriage is what is put on the backburner, and that's what fails. It's unfortunate.

    Your SM probably (and I'm only presuming here) resented your existence, because she probably felt like the other woman, since his time was spend trying to make your mother "happy".

    What your mother was doing was passive aggressive. SS"s mom does shit like that too. It's insane.


  • True but it will work if your favor if you work with her. Instead of getting hung up on Dad being able to do what ever he wants because "it's his son too" they need to work together. My dad let me watch Pulp Fiction when I was 9, my mom was PISSED. My parents were in a constant pissing match about shit, like if my dad was 15minutes late picking us up she would take us somewhere so he wouldn't be able to. My dad works construction so it was really hard for him to get off at a specific time every Tuesday. She wouldn't let my grandparents pick us up either. Granted he would also use them when he wanted to spend time with his future wife. Who (SM), eventually, resented my existence so much that she wouldn't let me in the house, my dad and I would either go out of town and/or stay in hotels or he would leave me at my grandparents. My dad and Stepmom were divorced within 5 years.

    I will continue to recommend family counseling for your FI and BM. Once they have worked on their communication skills a little bit then you should be brought in as well.
    I know what you mean.  It's just not possible to work with her... even when we give her exactly what she's bitching about, it's not good enough, and she finds something to keep bitching about. 

    Parents will always be in conflict over something that's done differently than how they'd do it... and that's normal. One parent thinks Pulp Fiction is appropriate, one does not. One parent thinks McDonald's once in a month is not a big deal, the other flips her shiznit.

    Thing about blended families... the stepparent doesn't usually hate the child... but generally, when there is a difficult ex in the picture, SO MUCH time and energy is spent trying to keep the ex in line, or placate them, or dealing with guilty parent feelings because the child is now making the parent feel like crap because the toxic parent has alientated them.. (PAS - it's a real thing!) (you have a newwwww family now... you don't looooove me anymore.... you prefer herrrrr over meeee....), that the marriage is what is put on the backburner, and that's what fails. It's unfortunate.

    Your SM probably (and I'm only presuming here) resented your existence, because she probably felt like the other woman, since his time was spend trying to make your mother "happy".

    What your mother was doing was passive aggressive. SS"s mom does shit like that too. It's insane.


    It is insane. And as the child of people who did not handle co-parenting well, I am saying there are better ways to do it. Yes there will be disagreements but right now you (and your FI) are CHOOSING not to work with her. You are purposefully disregarding her wishes (because she didn't explicitly spell things out for you) and acting very immature. Take the high road!! !!! And encouraging them to work together instead working against her. A lot of the points you originally brought up (where the child stays, who is watching him, what he eats) are very normal concerns for a parent. I almost guarantee that a lot of the petty shit will stop being an issue if you start open, honest communication. Your FI and BM obviously did not talk a lot about approaches to parenting before conception, they should be trying to figure that out now. Preferably with a professional.
    MyNameIsNot


  • All of that said, I stand by my first post way back on page 2 or 3 - get all of this worked out and settled before getting married. You'll be doing yourselves and your relationship a HUGE favor. 
    I'm glad someone understands.

    FI and I have spent a ton of time talking about this..discussing this.. crying over this. At this time, like you, we're merging finances.... except for child related. Not to say this will always be that way, but it's the way it is right now.

    We've settled it between ourselves - we're treating the kids in a way that works for us... and we're happy with it. The kids seem happy with it.

    The mom thing... it's been going on since she was newly pregnant. Was happening long before me. I don't think it will change... but eventually it may get better. In the end - the kid is either going to fall for his mother's crap and hate me/his dad, or he's going to realize mom's nuts and end up resenting her.

    There's no happy ending in sight for this kid - but hopefully he will come to know that even if there is such a disparity in the households...that he IS a valued member of our family, and that WE want what's best for him.
  • It is insane. And as the child of people who did not handle co-parenting well, I am saying there are better ways to do it. Yes there will be disagreements but right now you (and your FI) are CHOOSING not to work with her. You are purposefully disregarding her wishes (because she didn't explicitly spell things out for you) and acting very immature. Take the high road!! !!! And encouraging them to work together instead working against her. A lot of the points you originally brought up (where the child stays, who is watching him, what he eats) are very normal concerns for a parent. I almost guarantee that a lot of the petty shit will stop being an issue if you start open, honest communication. Your FI and BM obviously did not talk a lot about approaches to parenting before conception, they should be trying to figure that out now. Preferably with a professional.
    No, they didn't talk about parenting - the kid was conceived in one of the few times they hooked up. They met on the same night they hooked up the first time. FI did use protection, he's not stupid. He also realized her crazy, so he stopped "seeing her" after a few times.

    Well... 2 weeks later, bam she's calling him saying she's pregnant, and that now he needs to take care of her. He made it very clear that he will accept the responsibilities for the child, but that he will not ever be responsible for her. They've been cats and dogs ever since.

    Yes - maybe we are being immature by claiming "she didn't tell us so we're pretending it's not real"... however we have bigger fish to fry... one of which is that we are trying to demonstrate that we care about family bonds, and that despite mom's and FI's history, FI is making the required efforts to maintain his son's familial bonds.

    We've tried the open honest route. Like you, I tried to convince my FI that all he needed to do was act like an adult and she would too.... It ended up with her having my information, harassing me, threatening me... and being just SO MUCH WORSE.

    If she was open to counselling, FI would be there in a heartbeat. We're trying to set up mediation right now, to see if there's anything in the CO worth revisiting. That's the only "counselling" she's willing to go through so far... and that's only because she's convinced that her child support is going to double as a result. Silly woman.
  • It is insane. And as the child of people who did not handle co-parenting well, I am saying there are better ways to do it. Yes there will be disagreements but right now you (and your FI) are CHOOSING not to work with her. You are purposefully disregarding her wishes (because she didn't explicitly spell things out for you) and acting very immature. Take the high road!! !!! And encouraging them to work together instead working against her. A lot of the points you originally brought up (where the child stays, who is watching him, what he eats) are very normal concerns for a parent. I almost guarantee that a lot of the petty shit will stop being an issue if you start open, honest communication. Your FI and BM obviously did not talk a lot about approaches to parenting before conception, they should be trying to figure that out now. Preferably with a professional.
    No, they didn't talk about parenting - the kid was conceived in one of the few times they hooked up. They met on the same night they hooked up the first time. FI did use protection, he's not stupid. He also realized her crazy, so he stopped "seeing her" after a few times. I know, you have mentioned before, that is why I brought it up.

    Well... 2 weeks later, bam she's calling him saying she's pregnant, and that now he needs to take care of her. He made it very clear that he will accept the responsibilities for the child, but that he will not ever be responsible for her. They've been cats and dogs ever since. Sounds like they need counseling. Maybe an approach of "Hey, BM, I am so sick of arguing with you and I don't think it is healthy for jimmy. Let's, please, try to learn how to communicate for his sake." would work. Maybe it wouldn't but if recorded in an email it might help your court case.

    Yes - maybe we are being immature by claiming "she didn't tell us so we're pretending it's not real"... however we have bigger fish to fry... one of which is that we are trying to demonstrate that we care about family bonds, and that despite mom's and FI's history, FI is making the required efforts to maintain his son's familial bonds. the lack of communication skills is the biggest fish in this entire situation.

    We've tried the open honest route. Like you, I tried to convince my FI that all he needed to do was act like an adult and she would too.... It ended up with her having my information, harassing me, threatening me... and being just SO MUCH WORSE. Things generally get worse before they get better but it is irresponsible to just give up because things get hard

    If she was open to counselling, FI would be there in a heartbeat. We're trying to set up mediation right now, to see if there's anything in the CO worth revisiting. That's the only "counselling" she's willing to go through so far... and that's only because she's convinced that her child support is going to double as a result. Silly woman.
    get it in writing that she is refusing and it might benefit you.
    responses in bold. 
    MyNameIsNot
  • Jells2dot0Jells2dot0 Cowtown mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its


    All of that said, I stand by my first post way back on page 2 or 3 - get all of this worked out and settled before getting married. You'll be doing yourselves and your relationship a HUGE favor. 
    I'm glad someone understands.

    FI and I have spent a ton of time talking about this..discussing this.. crying over this. At this time, like you, we're merging finances.... except for child related. Not to say this will always be that way, but it's the way it is right now.

    We've settled it between ourselves - we're treating the kids in a way that works for us... and we're happy with it. The kids seem happy with it.

    The mom thing... it's been going on since she was newly pregnant. Was happening long before me. I don't think it will change... but eventually it may get better. In the end - the kid is either going to fall for his mother's crap and hate me/his dad, or he's going to realize mom's nuts and end up resenting her.

    There's no happy ending in sight for this kid - but hopefully he will come to know that even if there is such a disparity in the households...that he IS a valued member of our family, and that WE want what's best for him.
    What I meant by my statement is that we did not merge any finances at all. We have completely separate accounts and property, with the exception of the home we live in, and have a prenup stating as such. So, there would never be any intermingled finances regardless if we had kids or not. So, it makes it a lot easier for me to say "I'm not paying" because I'm not. It's not my money. 

     







  • They do need counselling, for sure. It's not so much that we've given up... we've just changed our approach so that we're now following FI's attorney's advice while we're documenting everything. We're providing her with the answers she demands, every time. We point to the custody order when she's in breach. We point to the custody order when she accuses FI of being in breach.

    We don't engage with her, we only stick to the relevant issues. We don't respond to her texts of calling him all kinds of names. We will respond to a text asking how the kid's day was. 

    Every time she calls and freaks out, first thing we do is hit record.  We tell her that we're happy to discuss things with her, but will not accept being spoken to in such a manner, and to call back when she can speak respectfully. We hang up (after telling her we are) when she's screaming obscenities at us, but we discuss when she's being "calm and respectful".

    In writing (text, email) we always take our time to respond, and generally lay the responses to things she brings up out very clearly, in a very non-aggressive way, and we usually copy FI's attorney.

    After the mediation session, we'll have a better idea of what to do next. Hopefully, things will progress to court, and she'll be ordered to attend counselling. That's the best case scenario, for now.
  • What I meant by my statement is that we did not merge any finances at all. We have completely separate accounts and property, with the exception of the home we live in, and have a prenup stating as such. So, there would never be any intermingled finances regardless if we had kids or not. So, it makes it a lot easier for me to say "I'm not paying" because I'm not. It's not my money. 
    That's what I meant too.  

    We're in the process of merging household finances.

    We recently set up a household account for household related things. But I have my own account, he has his.  When he moved in, the arrangement was that I would continue to pay everything I was paying... and he gave me a certain amount of money, as "rent". I also gave him receipts.

    Over time, instead of giving me the money, he took on certain bills to pay directly. I still gave him receipts for the "total". When we started discussing marriage, we started talking about how we would work things... and decided that I pay for my kids things, he pays for his kids things, in terms of "support". We also discussed that "support", did not include household support, as in, he's not expected to contribute an additional 3.99 per week for the loaf of bread his son eats... the groceries are what they are, and everyone shares... but, that it DID include a pack of pull ups, that is not "household expenses".

    We've split things up as in household vs individuals. I take care of my children's individual needs, he takes care of his. (Of course, I do too... but not on paper.)

    It's not that we don't want to "blend" - it's that right now, we don't want to mash everything up together, not until crap with the mom is in order. If financial records are pulled, my financials will be nowhere near his, for all intents and purposes, our finances are like those of roomates.  



  • kaos16 said:

    OP, I pulled this from your post in Ceremony and Vow Ideas:

    "LOL his son still thinks getting married means kissing. I don't think the kid will care either way... and honestly, I personally think he's just going to run down screaming daddyyyyyyyy and be a pain about the whole thing... in a cute way, of course... making everyone laugh. 

    Until the kid starts whining to his dad to entertain him in the middle of our vows... at which point, I'll no longer be laughing.  D "


    My heart is breaking for this child. 

    What? Why... because I know the kid will likely do it? what's wrong with that? Most young kids run down the aisle in excitement because their dad is at the end... 

    and that I wouldn't find it cute if the child runs away from whomever is taking care of him during the ceremony and tries to climb up his dad while we're exchanging vows to play with him? I don't think ANY bride would find a child disrupting that kind of moment cute.

    You want to stir drama? go visit steptalk... you'll have a field day there.
  • scribe95 said:
    I have never been more appalled at a thread and a person's absolute contempt for a child who has done nothing wrong. It's loathesome. And I won't be coming back to hear any more of her ridiculous rationalizations. 
    There's no contempt for the child, at all....but think what you like.
  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    scribe95 said:
    I have never been more appalled at a thread and a person's absolute contempt for a child who has done nothing wrong. It's loathesome. And I won't be coming back to hear any more of her ridiculous rationalizations. 
    There's no contempt for the child, at all....but think what you like.

    MairePoppyTrixieJessKnottie737c32aade6d0ff7
  • If I might ask, how long have you and your FI been together and how much of that have you lived together? I'm wondering if you're still adjusting to having FSS in your home as part of your family. Because beginning to end of this discussion we've come back around to your frustrations that there is a young child who may cause problems for your wedding day vision.

    My sense is that you probably thought you were done having young children in your home and your life and had adjusted to that lifestyle. If you haven't been living together for a significant part of this boy's 4 years of life, I can see this being an adjustment you haven't had the time to make.
    DrillSergeantCatSP29short+sassy
  • I have been with him about 3 years. I've been there throughout the boy's life. We've been living toget her for about a year.

    We're not "sneaking" behind her back. I've mentioned before that FI maintained a relationship with the grandparents...and occasionally socialized with them... he was seeing them occasionally BEFORE they told us they were having issues with their daughter.... every few months....there was no rEason to stop. Hed seen them between when they started fighting and when they called to see SS, the mom never told us shit. For all we know, maybe they're full of crap and they just want to see SS more but there's no fight. Who knows. At no time was FI "sneaking" to socialize with her parents... he always had. It just reduced in occasions.

    Maybe it makes me petty. .. but I firmly believe that NO BRIDE OR GROOM should have to put aside wedding day stuff for a child - there's months of planning and thousands of dollars involved, someone else can entertain the child for a few hours. Maybe that makes me a bitch... but it's part of the planning. Not to have it up in the air and dependant on the kids mood. 

    I give zero shits. ..and I have shown FI this thread... he fails to see while ya'll are being so sanctimonious about something that has fuck all with the original question.

    No wonder the knot community is half what it was.
  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    edited March 2017
    1.  His attorney's job isn't to ensure what's in the best interest of the child, it's to achieve the best court ruling for his client.  Just because an attorney says it's okay by law doesn't mean it's okay in real life.

    2.  You clearly have little to no emotional connection with this child and that is scary and sad.  I'd argue yes, all kids should be equal and if that means some kids do less so others do more, so be it.  Based on your logic, I certainly assume you measure the amount of milk each kid drinks and made sure you and your FI split the cost based on whose child eats more.  I feel for whomever in your household is responsible for counting toilet paper squares before each household member goes in.

    3.  Whether the kid understands today what a wedding is or isn't, he will eventually.  And if your relationship continues the way you describe it now, you will forever be the stepmom who didn't want him at the wedding.

    4.  And before you accuse me of "never being in your shoes" I had a boyfriend 10 years ago with 3 kids.  I had none.  While we never got married, we lived together for 3 years with two of his kids and my, then minor, brother.  They all got to try out for equal teams.  They all had equal chores.  I felt much the same way for their mother as you feel towards yours.  Pre-custody change she would send them over with holes in their socks and underwear and shirts that are too small after dropping them off in her new car.  She accepted a settlement on a lawsuit that prevented her from stepping foot in her kids own school so she missed ones HS graduation.  Yet, she and I kept our feelings for each other out of the kids attention.  I smiled and chatted with her when she approached me and she never flinched when they'd run to me and hug me.

    When they asked for something with me, I was the parent at that time.  I taught them how to pass a drivers ed test, and held them during their first break up, we played video games together, and went shopping together.   And when the middle son was shot and murdered, despite my exBF being remarried, and the fact that he and I never did, my families floral bouquet was at his feet and his bio families was at his head.  Just because they weren't mine biologically or legally, didn't mean that in my home and under my supervision they were any less than mine either. 

    ETA:  I'm not sure if it's still active or not but you should check out www.secondwivescafe.com.  That's a much better place to vent about your frustrations with bio mom than here and to get advice from people who BTDT.
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    SP29charlotte989875sparklepants41
  • Maybe it makes me petty. .. but I firmly believe that NO BRIDE OR GROOM should have to put aside wedding day stuff for a child - there's months of planning and thousands of dollars involved, someone else can entertain the child for a few hours. Maybe that makes me a bitch... but it's part of the planning.
    K and so you came here to get planning advice, right? My advice is to either hire someone to care for him (+make sure it's someone BM approves of if you want to avoid a "shit fit") or ask BM to care for him on her off-day as a favour. I know it isn't as simple as it sounds, given your rocky relationship with BM and the way you all communicate, but your initial idea of inviting people BM expressly doesn't want around SS solely so they can care for him for free and just hoping she doesn't find out is a guaranteed recipe for disaster. Not to mention a rude thing to do to your guests.
    sparklepants41SP29thisismynickname2
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