Wedding Etiquette Forum

to invite or not to invite

124678

Re: to invite or not to invite

  • Curious what you're going to tell the 4 year old to say when his Mom asks how his night with his father went, and he stayed with her parents? Are you going to tell him to lie? 

    Honestly, you may be following the letter of the law (custody agreement), but clearly violating the spirit of it. Yes, alternative arrangements are allowed (as per your PP with notification of the other parent), but you know she doesn't want her son with his grandparents. So, sure technically it might be permissible, but really you're doing something you know will upset her and not informing her of where he son will be.

    I think you know what you're thinking of doing is wrong, but either you don't care, or want validation that it really isn't that. You're unlikely to find either of those things here. 
    InLoveInQueensSP29
  • VADI said:
    banana468 said:
    VADI said:
    levioosa said:
    Uh huh.  I'm sure if the judge found out that the kid had been going to random sleepovers not at FI's house it would totes be okay because it was on FI's time.  I don't need to have a child or experience to know what you are saying is pretty fucking shitty.  And it doesn't exactly sound like FI tries to communicate with biomes about coparenting.  He's trying to let his four year old spill the beans about the grandparents to biomom.  Fucking really?  Grow up.  
    It's not a random sleepover, it's a sleepover at the grandparents house. Which the kid has done before. Many times.

    I'm sure the kid has already mentioned it to his mother. She hasn't said anything.

    Stuck here in the box.   It doesn't matter.   If he's following the agreement to the letter then he doesn't get to pick a new place for the kid to sleep.

    Also, on a complete side note, the Immaculate Conception was Mary's conception because she was born without sin.   Jesus was born through virgin birth.  So calling something an immaculate conception still implies that sex is involved.  The more you know.....
    The custody order doesn't say anything about the child being required to sleep at the parent's home. It does, however, indicate that should the child be on extended alternate care, the other parent requires 24 hours notice.
    So, then, you need to tell his mom that he's going to be spending the night at his grandparent's house, knowing she doesn't want him over there.

    yeah, good luck with that one.
    image
  • BREAKING NEWS! Sometimes children change your ~*perfect wedding vision*~.

    Srs too much to quote myself and others but you need to find someone else willing to watch the little boy and have him sleep over or drop off at BM house but it has to be okay by BM.

    I imagine there are people you and your FI that you don't trust and don't want your children to be under their care. Maybe its something as simple she doesn't trust bioparents to drive and stay sober after a wedding. You need to TRY to be empathetic.


    redoryxInLoveInQueensshort+sassySP29
  • if I wanted parenting/step-parenting advice, I'd be on that type of board -- so ya'll can respectfully back off that topic.
  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    I understand why BM would need to know specifics of what the kid is eating/ doing/ staying, because you and your FI play games. You bring the drama on yourselves because you hide things. She probably has to ask very specific questions because otherwise she doesn't get all of the information. 'We didn't tell her because she didn't ask' type shit. 

    how fucking hard is it?
    "what did jimmy eat today?"
    "a turkey sandwich, pears, and a pudding cup" 
    I often ask DH what he had for lunch so I get an idea what to make for dinner, already has pasta today? We'll have soup tonight. 



    Obviously, she doesn't trust you or your FI. (Also, does your FI not own a car seat?? Why would she need to come watch the kid while he goes to the store for 15minutes? Couldn't you go to the store instead of him? WTF would he think it was okay to leaving the baby with the roommate instead of taking the child with him??) And why should she when you purposefully hide things from her and leave her child with people she doesn't approve of?
    I would NOT be okay with roommate watching my children for any length of time. I don't feel like it's out of the realm of normal to want to know who they will be spending long lengths of time with. 

    I really feel like it would be in everyone's best interests (child's especially) for all the adults to sit down together and get to know each other. There's so much infighting going on and I promise your SS knows something is wrong. I'm not saying you all have to be best friends, but being cordial would be a start.VADI said:
    if I wanted parenting/step-parenting advice, I'd be on that type of board -- so ya'll can respectfully back off that topic.
    Not going to happen. When you post on a public forum, the community members will discuss what they choose to discuss from that post. In this case, several of us have chosen to give you advice on step-parenting. It can be frustrating (I know it happened to me on my first post) but it's all done with a sense of helpfulness and the advice I got was fantastic and well-warranted.
    kimmiinthemitten
  • if I wanted parenting/step-parenting advice, I'd be on that type of board -- so ya'll can respectfully back off that topic.
    Not going to happen. When you post on a public forum, the community members will discuss what they choose to discuss from that post. In this case, several of us have chosen to give you advice on step-parenting. It can be frustrating (I know it happened to me on my first post) but it's all done with a sense of helpfulness and the advice I got was fantastic and well-warranted.
    And that would be fine if it was respectful advice... the "advice" are getting are holier than thou name-calling replies from people who are childish enough to tell me to grow up, and those are rude, unwarranted, unecessary - and disrespectful.

    Most of it, also, from people who have no idea what being in these situations is like. It's fine to try and offer advice... but not to be condescending when you don't know about what you speak. Those members have been ignored.




  • Actually, I did. I didn't snark back at you, you're not on the ignore list. lol
  • And I mentioned that I got the answer....which was no.
  • This is what I find so bewildering. OP has stated in numerous other threads that she doesn't know where she is having her ceremony, if she's having a reception, what type of wedding she wants, what kind of budget she even has. Yet, she wants advice on favors, and inviting biomom's parents for childcare, and how to include the kids in the ceremony. 

    OP, you're putting the cart before the horse. 
    its called planning. brainstorming. multitasking.
  • VADI said:
    This is what I find so bewildering. OP has stated in numerous other threads that she doesn't know where she is having her ceremony, if she's having a reception, what type of wedding she wants, what kind of budget she even has. Yet, she wants advice on favors, and inviting biomom's parents for childcare, and how to include the kids in the ceremony. 

    OP, you're putting the cart before the horse. 
    its called planning. brainstorming. multitasking.
    Multitasking...that word does not mean what you think it means. 

    Look, people have told you on your multiple threads that before you start all this other planning you need to get a solid idea of guest list, location, reception plan (that includes chairs and food appropriate for time of day) and other major aspects. Asking how to do this or that (like including your kids) without solid details makes it frustrating to try and help you.
    InLoveInQueensPrettyGirlLost
  • VADI said:
    This is what I find so bewildering. OP has stated in numerous other threads that she doesn't know where she is having her ceremony, if she's having a reception, what type of wedding she wants, what kind of budget she even has. Yet, she wants advice on favors, and inviting biomom's parents for childcare, and how to include the kids in the ceremony. 

    OP, you're putting the cart before the horse. 
    its called planning. brainstorming. multitasking.
    No, it's called planning backwards. There's a reason you figure out your budget first. Then figure out your guest list. Then you find a venue. What you're doing it setting yourself up for a disaster. You want to decide on a favor before you even know where you're having your wedding.  You have an idea for a ceremony spot, but you don't know if you can even have it there. This is a disorganized mess. 
    We have our approximate budget. We have our approximate guestlist. We have a few ideas for a venue - but it will depend on what we spend elsewhere... so we need to have an idea of what we WANT, before we DECIDE. Everything is tied together, and yes, we want to explore our alternatives on whatever we're going to be spending money on, before we commit to something specific. Planning backwards would be if we commit to one thing, and have nothing left over for the other things we'd like.
  • People are not trying to be holier-than-thou (an idiom you've used multiple times now). They're trying to point out the giant freaking red flags you're putting up. Ignore them, fine. It's not going to affect them. They know that.

    They're trying to help you when they see something that you may not see. They're trying to give you a more compassionate and objective perspective when it comes to the behavior of your FI's ex, something that can be hard for you to be objective about. They're trying to give you a realistic picture of what co-parenting will be like as the legal wife of this man, who has a son who's four, things you don't seem to be realistic about.

    Just because you're getting defensive doesn't mean other people are being pretentious or rude.
    while it's true that getting defensive doesn't mean people are being pretentious or rude, comments like Grow up, are exactly that.
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    Ninth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited March 2017
    VADI said:
    People are not trying to be holier-than-thou (an idiom you've used multiple times now). They're trying to point out the giant freaking red flags you're putting up. Ignore them, fine. It's not going to affect them. They know that.

    They're trying to help you when they see something that you may not see. They're trying to give you a more compassionate and objective perspective when it comes to the behavior of your FI's ex, something that can be hard for you to be objective about. They're trying to give you a realistic picture of what co-parenting will be like as the legal wife of this man, who has a son who's four, things you don't seem to be realistic about.

    Just because you're getting defensive doesn't mean other people are being pretentious or rude.
    while it's true that getting defensive doesn't mean people are being pretentious or rude, comments like Grow up, are exactly that.
    No, that's blunt. Rude would be telling you you're a horrible person who should never have children. No one would or should say that. But telling you the truth (that you need to have a more mature perspective on this situation, which takes into account your actual responisibilites, or, "grow up") is not rude, just because it isn't sugarcoated in the telling.
    mollybarker11InLoveInQueensauriannaPrettyGirlLost
  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    VADI said:
    VADI said:
    This is what I find so bewildering. OP has stated in numerous other threads that she doesn't know where she is having her ceremony, if she's having a reception, what type of wedding she wants, what kind of budget she even has. Yet, she wants advice on favors, and inviting biomom's parents for childcare, and how to include the kids in the ceremony. 

    OP, you're putting the cart before the horse. 
    its called planning. brainstorming. multitasking.
    No, it's called planning backwards. There's a reason you figure out your budget first. Then figure out your guest list. Then you find a venue. What you're doing it setting yourself up for a disaster. You want to decide on a favor before you even know where you're having your wedding.  You have an idea for a ceremony spot, but you don't know if you can even have it there. This is a disorganized mess. 
    We have our approximate budget. We have our approximate guestlist. We have a few ideas for a venue - but it will depend on what we spend elsewhere... so we need to have an idea of what we WANT, before we DECIDE. Everything is tied together, and yes, we want to explore our alternatives on whatever we're going to be spending money on, before we commit to something specific. Planning backwards would be if we commit to one thing, and have nothing left over for the other things we'd like.
    Exactly my point. You don't know what you want. You need to figure out the big things first before these other minor details. 

    I know what I'm talking about. I've now planned two weddings. 
    DrillSergeantCatInLoveInQueenscowgirl8238TrixieJess
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I mean, if by "holier than thou" you mean common sense, then sure. 


    image
    TrixieJessPrettyGirlLost
  • VADI said:
    VADI said:
    This is what I find so bewildering. OP has stated in numerous other threads that she doesn't know where she is having her ceremony, if she's having a reception, what type of wedding she wants, what kind of budget she even has. Yet, she wants advice on favors, and inviting biomom's parents for childcare, and how to include the kids in the ceremony. 

    OP, you're putting the cart before the horse. 
    its called planning. brainstorming. multitasking.
    No, it's called planning backwards. There's a reason you figure out your budget first. Then figure out your guest list. Then you find a venue. What you're doing it setting yourself up for a disaster. You want to decide on a favor before you even know where you're having your wedding.  You have an idea for a ceremony spot, but you don't know if you can even have it there. This is a disorganized mess. 
    We have our approximate budget. We have our approximate guestlist. We have a few ideas for a venue - but it will depend on what we spend elsewhere... so we need to have an idea of what we WANT, before we DECIDE. Everything is tied together, and yes, we want to explore our alternatives on whatever we're going to be spending money on, before we commit to something specific. Planning backwards would be if we commit to one thing, and have nothing left over for the other things we'd like.
    Exactly my point. You don't know what you want. You need to figure out the big things first before these other minor details. 

    I know what I'm talking about. I've now planned two weddings. 
    And how else am I to know what I want, unless I ask the questions to which I need answers in order to make a decision?

    This ain't my first wedding either, so don't make yourself out to be better than others.
  • VADI said:
    People are not trying to be holier-than-thou (an idiom you've used multiple times now). They're trying to point out the giant freaking red flags you're putting up. Ignore them, fine. It's not going to affect them. They know that.

    They're trying to help you when they see something that you may not see. They're trying to give you a more compassionate and objective perspective when it comes to the behavior of your FI's ex, something that can be hard for you to be objective about. They're trying to give you a realistic picture of what co-parenting will be like as the legal wife of this man, who has a son who's four, things you don't seem to be realistic about.

    Just because you're getting defensive doesn't mean other people are being pretentious or rude.
    while it's true that getting defensive doesn't mean people are being pretentious or rude, comments like Grow up, are exactly that.
    No, that's blunt. Rude would be telling you you're a horrible person who should never have children. No one would or should say that. But telling you the truth (that you need to have a more mature perspective on this situation, which takes into account your actual responisibilites, or, "grow up") is not rude, just because it isn't sugarcoated in the telling.
    Actually, there are responses in this thread that have said exactly that. How terrible a person I am... how they feel sorry for the kids... how I need to include the kid's mom in my life... no, I don't. His relationship with her is separate from my relationship with him. 

    HE needs to co-parent with HER. I only need to co-parent with HIM. As the kid is his son, I defer to what he wants. I can suggest, convince recommend all I want - but in the end, it's HIS choice. 

    You may not agree - and you don't have to, but we are doing what works for us, and rolling over for the mom's every single wish is not going to happen. She's not more important than the father, despite how you're trying to make it seem like she's the one that gets to call every shot.


Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards