Wedding Etiquette Forum

to invite or not to invite


Re: to invite or not to invite

  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    Am I really the only one who thinks this is MUD?
    For this kids sake I sure as hell hope so. 
  • edited March 2017
    Am I really the only one who thinks this is MUD?
    Either that, (heavily) embellished, or the OP's FH has a lawyer who couldn't care less about the case. If all said is true, it seems like an open and shut case, especially granted the texts. I mean come on, it doesn't appear hard to convince someone that BM preventing SM from showing (emotional) support is a precursor to isolating him which is key in emotional abuse.
    The one huge rebuttal is conniving behavior against the BM. So don't do that. You're fueling her fire. 

    In regards to the lawyer suggesting documentation, @Newfiebride, how much proof does he want? If what you've said is "fact", it's indemonstrable and you should already have a plethora of evidence. 

    When all is said and done:
    The bare minimum is not a suggestion, it's a requirement.  
    Just because you need not do something beyond the bare minimum does not mean you should not do said thing. 
    (You're required to keep him safe in your and FH's abode. Doesn't mean you shouldn't also make sure he's not miserable.) 

    To reiterate PPs, there is more to life than the institutional laws of the land, laws that can very often be unjust and most often to the silenced parties. 
  • Ro041Ro041 member
    Seventh Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Deleted user.  Womp womp.

    Hopefully she heard a few things we said.

  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited March 2017
    I wonder if her 'fi' knows he's engaged. She didn't seem to have a date, venue locked down. Her main concern seemed to be about insignificant details and figuring out a way to get the kid out the way. Strange priorities.
  • auriannaaurianna member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited March 2017
    If OP is still lurking around, I implore you to see if there is anyway to get BM to agree to family counseling with BOTH you and your FI.

    I have a friend who married into a nearly identical situation such as this and it has just spiraled. The BM is crazy and her husband just accepts it. The kid's behavior is out of control, likely in part to the combative nature of his two families, but also because he needs evaluation/counseling/treatment (both medical and psychological) that BM refuses to do and dad won't push because he doesn't want to fight over it.
    My friend never got involved in the parenting of the child and now she's locked out essentially. It's also causing a strain on their marriage.

    Do whatever you can, as soon as you can, to try to get in as civil a relationship with this woman as possible. Do whatever you can to lay a foundation where you will have some say and some involvement. Based on what you've said about her, it sounds like it will be hard. But you need to try now. It will save you heartache later.
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    banana468 said:
    Ro041 said:
    Deleted user.  Womp womp.

    Hopefully she heard a few things we said.
    Hopefully her FI read over her shoulder.
    I doubt it ... because we would've seen a post saying "okay, I'm OP's fiancee and you guys better leave her alone, okay?"
  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    Ro041 said:
    Deleted user.  Womp womp.

    Hopefully she heard a few things we said.
    Are you surprised? I've been waiting for a DD at minimum since page 2.
  • Ro041Ro041 member
    Seventh Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Ro041 said:
    Deleted user.  Womp womp.

    Hopefully she heard a few things we said.
    Are you surprised? I've been waiting for a DD at minimum since page 2.
    I was hoping she would let the advice sink in and then stick around!  Although, I should have guessed when she kept coming back to argue using more details that didn't help her case.

  • I know OP is probably long gone, and y'all probably just want this thread to die, but, I have some thoughts, for lurkers maybe, or on the slightest chance OP is still watching.

    Eight pages of chat is a lot so I'll just respond generally.

    I guess I'm doing something like a blended family? Not 100% sure what that is, it's not a phrase we use in the UK.

    I have DS who is four. He's from a previous LTR.
    I have DD who's coming two. She's my OHs.

    OH has two DDs from previous marriage. They're 15 and 11.

    OH lives in USA. I live in UK. So it's a bit different, although I am currently over USA visiting.

    My ex is the controlling, manipulative twatwaffle you discribe BM to be.
    I kept records of everything from the day we split up. (It helped that OH was 4,000 miles away in this particular instance because a lot of our communication was text, so I could go back to three years ago and pinpoint exact day's ex didn't pick up DS and a million other things).
    I could show exactly how many times I had okay'd ex to take DS away to visit paternal family.
    I could show the one time I'd asked to take DS to USA to visit his baby sisters family, by extension his family, (He was already calling OH "Daddy-name" at this point), and ex had said no. (Ex had met OH on a few different ocassions at this point).
    Ex took me to court for full custody of our son.
    Ex tried claiming neglect on my part due to DS getting nappy rash.
    Ex contacted child services about it.
    Ex tried telling court I was too busy with baby DD to take care of DS.
    Ex tried telling court I was in an unstable relationship.
    I pulled out 85 pages of screenshots, examples, doctors reports, etc.
    Ex got taken down a peg or two.
    Ex ended up with bi-weekly visitation.

    My Ex is the reason I can't move over to the US to be with my family.

    When my ex asks to take DS to visit his family, (unless there's specific reason not to as happened once) I say of course.
    if he asks to bring DS back later one week cause there's an event he wants to take him to, I say no problem. 
    DS says something about something that happened at daddy's, I exclaim over how awesome that is.
    DS tells me he had McDonalds for dinner, I say how yummy.
    I see Ex on the ocassional pick-up, and we small-talk and laugh with our son.

    I can't stand the ground he walks on, for how he treated me, and what he attempted to do to our son (taking him away from his home and his only sibling).

    It's about getting along for the children.

    I've never met OH Ex. She seems pretty fair. Obviously her kids are that much older so that probably skews things. She did pop on the phone once when OH was calling his girls from mine. She walked past in the background and came over and said something about "aww you sitting on daddy" to the baby.

    I don't like DS going to his dads, because I have no idea where he's actually at, or who he's actually with. OH tells me he's at home with him, but I know for a fact he'll go out to work and leave DS with... I don't know.
    I don't like that Ex gives him McDonalds all the time.
    I do trust that whatever my issues, Ex is at least a reasonable dad (meaning as a parent he kinda sucks, as a "fun uncle" figure he'd be awesome, but I know he'd never do anything inappropriate with our son). I asked him to afford me the same courtesy. To trust that I wouldn't take our son to an unsafe environment or potentially damaging situation. I explained that whilst DS is with Ex, I understand that Ex is treating him appropriately, and that as much I enjoyed hearing from DS what they'd been up to, I didn't expect "can we do this, can we go there" constantly. He is DSs dad and I trust him to parent. I then said he needed to accept the same from me. I would not be texting to ask if I could take DS to a water park for the day. 

    He can parent better because he's accepted that I'm in charge, I have final say over everything, but that I've shown him the respect he deserves as my son's father, and "allowed" him the freedom to do stuff with our son.
    I can parent better because he's accepted I'm in charge, and no amount of multiple texting "what you doing with him today", "can I come see him", "I can't get him now, can I have him tomorrow instead" will make the slightest bit of difference.

    It's setting those clear boundaries, dealing with it, and moving on.

    I'm a reasonable person. 
    Court ended up giving Ex less than I had originally offered.
    It sucks that it took that horrible process to be able to organise our son's life, but, that's what happened.

    DS is now at the age that he's getting school friends and wanting play dates at friends houses.
    You better believe each time he's gone someone news house, I've stuck my head in and made sure I'm happy him being there.

    Getting BM to counselling, and getting her to understand that dad is equally capable of determining what is safe and appropriate for their son, will help massively.
    Getting her to understand that you are part of her son's family, will also help.

    As for the wedding day... you suck it up and deal. Have your wedding. Get married. Say your vows, with or without a four year old scrambling over his dad. Take SS to BMs after the reception. Go have all the sex.
    You'll still be just as married. 
    You'll still have all the sex.

    Maybe see about some individual counselling to figure out your place and role in this new family set-up, and to figure out how you actually feel about SS.
    I'm going easier on you over that than others here have, because of my personal experience. My court worker said my only downfall could be that I don't come across as very loving to my son: whenever talking about him I came across as distant, cold, unattached.
    Then she did our home visit and said she could hardly believe I was the same person, that it was a very close and loving experience.
    I just don't word emotion well in speech. Get all tongue tied and find it much easier to separate myself from the situation and evaluate from an "outside" perspective.
    I also often refer to either kid as "it" as in "what's it doing?", "why's it on me" etc, which sounds awful on paper, but in context is clearly not a diminishing statement. So, I'm not gonna come down on the "the kid" stuff, because that may just be an out-of-context thing.
    Maybe just take a look back at the last couple years and work out for yourself how you really feel about the whole situation.
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