Not Engaged Yet

Frustrated!

We were supposed to get engaged this past christmas, but when he asked my dad he said no. So now we've been trying to win him over, not working. We're ready to get married without my dad's approval but he spent the money he would've used on a ring to buy me a very expensive bracelet for christmas since he couldn't propose. Now we're broke and he wants me to just move in till we can afford something. That would crush my family, which I was already going to cause a riff since I'm getting married against my dad's wishes but this would hurt everyone. I'd love to be living with him but I want to be his wife, and I want to save relationships- ahhhh!
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Re: Frustrated!

  • heyimbrenheyimbren member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    What concerns does your dad have that he doesn't want you to get married yet?

  • calindicalindi member
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_frustrated-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:45689460-4b9f-4f14-bf1a-5123b9c4da3dPost:a53d05a3-9fb4-465e-9fbc-078169809ccd">Frustrated!</a>:
    [QUOTE]We were supposed to get engaged this past christmas, but when he asked my dad he said no. So now we've been trying to win him over, not working. We're ready to get married without my dad's approval but he spent the money he would've used on a ring to buy me a very expensive bracelet for christmas since he couldn't propose. Now we're broke and he wants me to just move in till we can afford something. That would crush my family, which I was already going to cause a riff since I'm getting married against my dad's wishes but this would hurt everyone. I'd love to be living with him but I want to be his wife, and I want to save relationships- ahhhh!
    Posted by WillBeMrsC[/QUOTE]

    Have you asked your Dad why he objects?  What are his reasons?

    If you're going to get married against your parents wishes, then what are your objections to living with him?  I'd say marrying a man your Dad doesn't approve of is far more devastating to your relationship, and if you're willing to go against his wishes for that, then why not living together?

    And why rush?  If you can't afford a ring, why not save up money and build your relationship and wait to get married?

    Do you feel you need a ring?  And if so, why an expensive one?  There are plenty of nice rings in nearly every price range.  You can't get a Tacori with a small budget, but there are some gorgeous rings on Overstock.com and at stores like Costco that have small-ish center stones but beautiful settings.  If you can't afford a ring, you can't afford to pay for even an elopement, because you obviously can't expect your Dad to pay for a wedding he disapproves of, so you might just want to move in with your boyfriend, both save up and grow together, and then eventually buy a ring you can afford (if you want one - you don't need one to be engaged) and having a wedding you can afford.

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  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO member
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    edited December 2011
    Why did your dad say no? Is it because of the guy? age? or does he just not want you to get married?


  • calindicalindi member
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    edited December 2011
    Also, it seems like you've moved along just fine in planning without a ring... how long will it take for you to save up for the wedding?  You said you'd do the wedding with only 2 weeks notice, so why not just save up for the wedding, get married with an inexpensive wedding band and then save up and get a nice 1st year annversary ring instead?

    http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_budget-weddings_last-minute-wedding

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  • heyimbrenheyimbren member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Yeah, I was just going to say that you seem to be going ahead with this wedding regardless of a ring and  your family's approval.

  • edited December 2011
    I don't care about the ring it's his thing, he wants me to have a really nice one. My dad doesn't know me very well, we haven't been close since I started high school, and he wants to rebuild our relationship before I marry someone. He loves Kevin whenever he's been around him and he thinks we'd be great together. He's just trying to learn all this stuff about me and my maturity before I get married, but that's something that should've happened a long time ago.
  • SassyFlatsSassyFlats member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Slooooooow down.

    I can imagine how heartbreaking and frustrating this all is- my family didn't approve of a serious relationship in my past, and it caused so much stress. But don't do anything you'll regret. Your family is important. You shouldn't just do what your parents tell you to without questioning it- that's not what being an adult is about. But being an adult also means knowing when to say "I've thought this through, and it's what I really want for my life. I love you guys, but I've got to follow my own heart."

    First- have you sat down with your dad for a chat about WHY he said no? What were those reasons? Is there something you can do (over time) to put his mind at ease? That may not happen overnight.

    Second- what's the big rush? Yes, yes, you love each other and you're "ready" to get married. But really, if your family's support means a lot to you- why can't you wait to work things out with them? Waiting for a while almost never harms a relationship. It will probably strengthen your relationship and make you both stronger as individuals and together.

    Third- have you thought about some couple's counseling? If your dad has some serious reservations and you aren't sure how to balance your family and your love life, couple's counseling could help you both a) prepare for a future marriage and b) learn to deal constructively with family issues like this one as a couple. Counseling is a great tool, even for couples without any major problems. DH and I bought a few books on marriage and relationships, even though we were together over 5 years when we got engaged. It helped to have some guidance on how and what we should be talking about BEFORE we walked down the aisle, and how to forge a "united front" or whatever, so that when we speak with our families (and of course with future children) one of us isn't undermining the other.

    Finally- don't burn bridges. This goes for anything in life. If you just move in with him now, without really trying to figure out and resolve the concerns your family has, then you're basically turning your back on them and saying "I don't care what you have to say." That's just not good (unless you really don't care at all... but it sounds like you do). Just take some time. THERE IS NO RUSH. You don't have to decide NOW. I know you're excited and you want to take the next step in your relationship- but really, honestly, take it from a girl who has been through a few things- life is so much EASIER when you have the support of the people you love and they are happy for you and they LOVE your husband and welcome him into your family with open arms. Take the time to let that happen if it's possible.

    Now, if this guy is a drug-dealing, money-stealing mooch who just wants you for sex... disregard all of this and listen to your dad. Laughing
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  • edited December 2011
    How old are you? Why does your dad really get any say? Honestly if my parents ever said I couldn't marry someone and couldn't accept the man I planned to take as my husband we wouldn't be talking any more. 

    also: 




    http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_texas-dallas-ft-worth_mohdrama - You shouldn't have any MOH drama or be picking BM. YOU AREN'T ENGAGED 




    You seem very dramatic and like you just have problems all over the place. Slow down.

    Edited for reading clarity. 

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  • edited December 2011
    It's the fact that Kevin won't get married until he can afford a ring that's bothering me. We could afford our wedding and a small ring now, but he wants me to have something to show off. He's very go big or go home and I'm just ready to be with him and I know he won't be able to afford it for a long time. 
  • heyimbrenheyimbren member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I also want to emphasize the question of what the rush is to get married now?

    And have you considered that your father might have some valid concerns? I think I saw in one of your posts that both of you are still in school, and money seems to be a concern as well. Financial issues can cause huge strains on relationships, so rushing into one where you may not be ready may not be the wisest idea. But that's only the impression I get from your posts.

  • CASK85CASK85 member
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_frustrated-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:45689460-4b9f-4f14-bf1a-5123b9c4da3dPost:42845c6e-7265-44ce-a00b-d3ae63611669">Re: Frustrated!</a>:
    [QUOTE]It's the fact that Kevin won't get married until he can afford a ring that's bothering me. We could afford our wedding and a small ring now, but he wants me to have something to show off. He's very go big or go home and I'm just ready to be with him and I know he won't be able to afford it for a long time. 
    Posted by WillBeMrsC[/QUOTE]
    How old are the two of you? How long have you been dating? <div>
    </div><div>If my FI was that stubborn I'd start to think twice.</div>
  • edited December 2011
    We've been trying to get my dad on our side for almost two years, I've been jumping through hoops for him. And my mom is helping me plan ahead of time because Kevin doesn't want a long engagement and I want time to plan. We've been together for a little more than two years but we've been friends for close to 7.
  • calindicalindi member
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_frustrated-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:45689460-4b9f-4f14-bf1a-5123b9c4da3dPost:42845c6e-7265-44ce-a00b-d3ae63611669">Re: Frustrated!</a>:
    [QUOTE]It's the fact that Kevin won't get married until he can afford a ring that's bothering me. We could afford our wedding and a small ring now, but he wants me to have something to show off. He's very go big or go home and I'm just ready to be with him and I know he won't be able to afford it for a long time. 
    Posted by WillBeMrsC[/QUOTE]

    This isn't just about a ring, it's about how you both view money and material objects.  This isn't something that's going to end with a ring - you have to buy houses and cars together.  Go to pre-marital counseling to talk this stuff out.  It's important you're both on the same page (or at least a lot better able to come to a compromise) on these types of issues.

    Maybe he's not ready yet and he's using the ring as a way to stall a bit.  It seems like you're a boulder rolling down a mountain, hell bent on getting married, pushing aside any objections or issues anyone else may have.  Why?  Why does your guy want a ring, why does your Dad want you to wait?  Your whole situation with your Dad sounds unfortunate, but it makes me worry that you've got major Daddy issues and just want to play house.

    What else do you have going on in your life?  Are you in school, have a job?  What are your goals for yourself?  When the wedding is over, real life still goes on.

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  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO member
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    edited December 2011
    But WHY did your dad say no? I still think that is important. And if it was a deal-breaker then why is it not anymore?

    Is it just the ring that is holding him back or are there other issues as well? He may want to marry you, but that doesn't mean he wants to marry you RIGHT NOW. I don't understand how you can afford a wedding but not a ring. And I agree with Bren - you aren't engage so stop the planning.


  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_frustrated-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:45689460-4b9f-4f14-bf1a-5123b9c4da3dPost:60af0b22-f7d2-4cc3-ba11-c55c5d21e0df">Re: Frustrated!</a>:
    [QUOTE]We've been trying to get my dad on our side for almost two years, I've been jumping through hoops for him. And my mom is helping me plan ahead of time because Kevin doesn't want a long engagement and I want time to plan. 
    Posted by WillBeMrsC[/QUOTE]

    <div>You have issues all over the place. </div><div>
    </div><div>Why are you planning a wedding for this fall to a man who hasn't proposed and according to you won't/can't for a long time. Will he propose before October or is this one of those surprise weddings? </div><div>
    </div><div>Also so far you sound very immature. You cannot always get what you want when you want it. Sometimes you have to have a long engagement or something you don't get a lot of time to plan. Being an adult is dealing with situations you are given that might not be favorable to result in the best possible outcome for your future and your family. </div>

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  • heyimbrenheyimbren member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I feel like you aren't answering a lot of questions that are being asked.

    Why does your dad keep saying no? What are the real reasons besides him wanting to get to know you more?

    Which is more important to you: your SO wanting to save for a big ring or your family's wishes? Because your posts present two very different ideas on what's really bothering you.

    What's the rush to get married now?

    What are your finances like? What else do you have going on in your life that you're working towards?

  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_frustrated-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:45689460-4b9f-4f14-bf1a-5123b9c4da3dPost:60af0b22-f7d2-4cc3-ba11-c55c5d21e0df">Re: Frustrated!</a>:
    [QUOTE]<span style="font-weight:bold;color:#ff0000;">We've been trying to get my dad on our side for almost two years</span>, I've been jumping through hoops for him. And my mom is helping me plan ahead of time because <strong>Kevin doesn't want a long engagement and I want time to plan</strong>. <span style="font-weight:bold;color:#ff0000;">We've been together for a little more than two years</span> but we've been friends for close to 7.
    Posted by WillBeMrsC[/QUOTE]

    The bolded part that's not red is a communication problem. If you are ready to get married you should be able to work something like that out. You don't need forever to plan a wedding, you can do it in a few months. This wedding is not for you and your mom - it's for you and your BF, you should be planning with him when you are ENGAGED!

    So your dad has never liked this guy or you've been trying to convince him you should get married since your relationship started?


  • CASK85CASK85 member
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    edited December 2011
    andplusalso, OCTOBER 2011 IS MY MONTH!
  • edited December 2011
    I own my own company, so I have money for the wedding. He's a lifegaurd and in school so he doesn't have money for a ring and doesn't take my money to buy me gifts or something like that! My dad is a complicated issue- we've talked alot about it and he's going to be fine with us getting married without his ok, he wants me to choose him or kevin right now. It's kinda confusing. I'm planning because if he stops being stubborn (which I know him, and he will he's just afraid I'll be disappointed later) we're going to get married right away. I don't have daddy issues but I do want out of my parents house and to start my life with the love of my life!
  • SassyFlatsSassyFlats member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Stop planning a wedding. Until he proposes, all bets are off. You plan the wedding when you are BOTH ready to get married. Not when you're ready but he's stalling over a ring.

    Calindi is right- this is not the last big purchase you guys will have to make, and your differing views on the ring and your unwillingness to wait for him to get his ducks in a row is bad news bears. You guys need to figure this stuff out. Money is a BIG source of stress in marriage. You'll be so much better off if you figure it out before you go planning a wedding.

    Please, please, please... go to some premarital counseling and talk about money and family issues. Talk about your dad. Talk about the ring. Talk about other things that worry you or that you're unsure how to deal with. You guys need to do it- and it's WORTH doing for the sake of your future marriage. You want to be on a rock-solid foundation. Counseling will not only help you work through the current issues on your plate, but you'll learn useful tools for dealing with all sorts of stress throughout your marriage. No marriage is absolutely perfect or stress-free. Even the best relationships in the world have bumps in the road. It's really important to figure out how to face those things as a couple. You guys are not facing this whole wedding thing as a couple. There's a huge disconnect.
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  • CASK85CASK85 member
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    edited December 2011
    It amazes me that in this day and age women still go straight from their parent's house to their husband's house (sometimes with a stop at the sorority house in between).
  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO member
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_frustrated-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:45689460-4b9f-4f14-bf1a-5123b9c4da3dPost:167e3c36-df0d-40d8-981f-766065b16ee0">Re: Frustrated!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I own my own company, so I have money for the wedding. He's a lifegaurd and in school so he doesn't have money for a ring and doesn't take my money to buy me gifts or something like that! My dad is a complicated issue- we've talked alot about it and he's going to be fine with us getting married without his ok, he wants me to choose him or kevin right now. It's kinda confusing. I'm planning because if he stops being stubborn (which I know him, and he will he's just afraid I'll be disappointed later) we're going to get married right away. I don't have daddy issues but <strong>I do want out of my parents house and to start my life with the love of my life!</strong>
    Posted by WillBeMrsC[/QUOTE]

    1. If you want to move out of your parents house then do it. Find some roommates and get an apartment.

    2.  I started my life with the love of my life about 2 1/2 years ago - getting married =/= starting life. Life is happening right now.


  • edited December 2011
    He's on board with the planning, he knows what's going on. I just have a date as wishful thinking, that's what we want, but all the different factors are going to end up deciding that. He and I have a great foundation, and I know why he wants to get me a big ring. Me having a great business while he's still in school barely making anything is a hurtle for a guy, and we're doing great with it. 
  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO member
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    edited December 2011
    How exactly do you plan a wedding without a date?


  • calindicalindi member
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_frustrated-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:45689460-4b9f-4f14-bf1a-5123b9c4da3dPost:09477e09-a6d2-4b4f-9b36-1ef5fb6d61aa">Re: Frustrated!</a>:
    [QUOTE]It amazes me that in the day and age women still go straight from their parent's house to their husband's house (sometimes with a stop at the sorority house in between).
    Posted by cschiano[/QUOTE]

    Ditto this.  Don't get married just to move out - if you have your own busines, then you can afford rent.  Get your own place, or find a roommate.  It's a process I highly recommend to ANYONE before they get married.  There's so much you have to learn about being an independent adult - and that includes running a household (balancing rent, utilities, internet, cable, cell phone, car payments, car insurance, renters insurance, credit card bills, medical bills, etc.).  There's certainly ways of doing this without living with a significant other before marriage if that's something you want to wait until you're married to do, but it's essential to being a functional adult.

    Move out.  Get your own place and live on your own.  Stop planning until your guy is willing to buy a ring and declare that he wants to start planning a wedding, not that he someday wants to marry you.  It doesn't mean he doesn't love you, it means he's not ready.  Get your own place, save your own money, pay your own bills.  Problem solved.

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  • edited December 2011
    I don't want to sign a lease on an apartment when I want to move in with him soon. I stayed at my parents before because I was starting my company and now we're doing well. It just seems like a waste of money to pay so much a month when I could be with Kevin and not pay extra. 
  • peekaboo2011peekaboo2011 Washington, DC member
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    edited December 2011
    We get that you're frustrated, but I don't feel like you've been listening to what we've had to say.  SLOW DOWN.

    You remind me of me in a lot of ways, but in a different aspect.  You are HELL BENT on getting married NOW.

    How old are you?  Why do you have to get married now?

    If your dad thinks that you have to choose between him and your BF, then your dad probably sees some stuff that you don't.  And maybe he's concerned with how quickly things are moving.  Go back through here, read what everyone else has been saying, SLOWLY and AGAIN.  Your relationship with both your father and your BF will thank you for it.

    AND STOP PLANNING.  YOU AREN'T ENGAGED.
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  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO member
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    edited December 2011
    Your whole life seems to be revolving around this wedding that doesn't sound like it is going to happen any time soon. I don't get it. If you want to move out then do it. If you want to move in with him then do it. None of this needs to about a wedding. You seem really concerned about this one day that is basically just a party when you should be concerned about your relationship with not only your BF but your family as well.


  • CASK85CASK85 member
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_frustrated-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:45689460-4b9f-4f14-bf1a-5123b9c4da3dPost:1f6acea9-b0ce-482b-934e-eeeab4e1a88c">Re: Frustrated!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I don't want to sign a lease on an apartment when I want to move in with him soon. I stayed at my parents before because I was starting my company and now we're doing well. It just seems like a waste of money to pay so much a month when I could be with Kevin and not pay extra. 
    Posted by WillBeMrsC[/QUOTE]
    It isn't a waste of money to do something so essential (IMO) to building yourself up and having such a critical life experience. 
  • SassyFlatsSassyFlats member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    We're not talking about saving money, we're talking about you having seriously valuable experience that will benefit you through your entire life and your marriage. Some things are worth spending some money on.

    Also, your wedding plans will probably change when you get engaged. I tried to collect some ideas and get "ahead" a bit... but once we were engaged and planning for real, all that had to go out the window. You need a date and a budget and a guest list. None of that can be finalized until you are actually engaged and have an agreement with the other person in this would-be marriage that it is time to take that plunge.

    That agreement comes in the form of a proposal, not necessarily a ring... but to some guys the ring is important and necessary for the proposal. It was for my husband, and that meant waiting more than a year for him to scrape together money and get everything set so that he felt confident about proposing. Did I know we would get married? Yes. But boy did the dates change the longer it took him to ask. And that meant all my little "plans" had to change as well. It was pretty much a waste of time. And I was cheating myself out of some of the joy of planning a wedding with my fiance and family.
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