Limits on my FIs bachelor party???

golden1215

So my FIs best man is one crazy partier.  He has talked about the bachelor party he's going to through FI for years now- even before we were engaged!  Booze, bars, boobs... the works.  I don't mind them going to a strip club, because bouncers keep most guys in check, but how do I voice my concern over them having stripper(s) at a private house party??? 

I trust my fiance... but you know, it's men- who knows what happens at those parties!!!! 

When I told my FI I was going to set limits he got pretty ticked and said its not my place to do...

Advice... am I out of line? too controlling?

goheels05

There's really not a way to set restrictions on his bachelor party without sounding controlling, naggy, and bridezila-y.  In fact, if they know how concerned you are, they are probably even more likely to pressure your FI to push the limits.

You said you trust your FI, so I think you should just leave it at that.  He will speak up for himself if he feels uncomfortable. 

SarahPLiz

Probably, and his best man is a woman. I trust him, and her.

aerinpegadrak

If I didn't trust FI enough to control himself at his bachelor party, the subject of marriage would never have even been brought up.  What the other guys do is not my concern.  I don't know what, if anything, is planned for FI's bach, but it's his party and I'm not sticking my nose in.

MyNameIsNot

If I didn't trust my DH around strippers, I wouldn't have married him.  

That said, it is appropriate for you and your FI to have a conversation about things that make either one of you uncomfortable.  If he refuses to respect your feelings, you have a FI problem.  His b-party is probably not the only time he'll be in a situation like this, so you two should have an understanding about things like this anyway.  You aren't going to get anywhere talking to his friends and trying to lay down rules.  

bbyckes

Yeah, you shouldn't set limits, but you can voice your concerns.  If you trust him and there's mutual respect, it shouldn't be an issue. 

For me, I don't even want to know about his bachelor party.  I want him to have a good time, within reason of course.

stina93446

You can't set limits without seeming insecure. But like pps, you can voice your opinion.

lyndausvi

I said no..  but it was not because I set limits.  DH preferred to go gambling instead.   I was the one encouraging the strippers.  I know he would not disrespect me and it would have been cheaper than him gambling..

duckie1905

I went to a male strip club for my bach party.  DH had two, both at strip clubs.  If we didn't trust each other to go to these places we never would've gotten married.

You are more than welcome to voice your opinion but demanding that he not do something or insisting on setting limits will do nothing other than make him want to test those limits and make you look like a nag.

If you do voice your concern and he doesn't care I'd say you have bigger problems with respect in the relationship.

lisarose7

You're out of line and too controlling.  It would be better to just let him know that you trust him to behave himself.  That way, if he's even TEMPTED to do anything he'll have that mental image of you lovinging telling him how much you trust him and he'll feel to guilty about possibly betraying that trust to do anything.

megk8oz

DH didn't have a bach party ... if he did, it was like a 1 in a million chance of there being strippers ... Idk, in our circle, it's more popular for guys to pull an all-nighter gaming, or going to Atlantic City or something ... then again, we're also from an area where most of the strips clubs aren't exactly known for getting even "decent" talent.

Had there been a stripper, I don't think it would have bothered me. DH is well aware of the fact that if the girls weren't getting paid, they wouldn't be rubbing their skanky a$$es all over him and his buddies, lol.

CaptiolBride

i've heard many things that go on at these parties. I have yet to hear anything positive.  Many of the guys do end up going further than we think.  I am not saying that ALL guys do... this is just based on the stories I"ve heard.  Strippers are a very unnecessary tradition. Kind of tacky to celebrate a sacred marriage if you ask me.  My Fi and I both go to strip clubs together but I don't think I want either one of us to be surrounded by naked temptation before we marry as a last chance kind of deal. But to each his/her own.  Fun does not need to include women and men putting their privates in your face with friends pushing you to interact physically.

Joannale

I totally agree.  I KNOW guys that are nice guys and have never cheater before but at their bach parties, they get too drunk and cross the line.  I don't think that you are being too controlling or that you questioning it or being a little worried about it is a sign that you didn't trust him.  I feel the same way.  First off, I Don't see why there's a need to go look at another woman like that.  Just like I would NOT even want to go see a male stripper at all.  It does not appeal to me.  But I think it's reasonable to ask your FI if he intends to go to a strip club or have a stripper at a private venue.  (I agree w/ you that going to a club is much better than having one at a private residence).  Guys do screw strippers.  And w/ enough alcohol and if his friends are also the type to do stuff or push your FI and he's so drunk that he does more than he intends, things COULD happen.  Even w/ "good guys".  Not every good guy would do anything even in a situation but i just would rather not test him.  My 2 cents.  I asked my FI not to go and if he did, to make sure he didn't do anything he wouldn't want me to do.  He supposedly didn't (he went to Vegas so i wouldn't know).  But I trust he didn't.  

mainemommy

Trust is the base of love & commitment.
If you can't trust that him around skanky oiled stripper ass there are much larger issues, most men are more likely to cheat with people they know than people they have to pay anyway. Let him have his fun & have yours at the same time to keep your mind occupied.

Blueyed228

I dont like strip clubs or strippers for that matter.  However, I could care less if he goes for his bach party.  I trust him.  Period.  Plus, at 34, i doubt he stands a chance with a stripper, lol.

If you are worried, just talk to him about your concerns.  Just dont put restrictions on things.

CaptiolBride

 yes trust is important but to me it's not about trust....it's about respect.

SarahPLiz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_limits-fis-bachelor-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:a3c8a40e-9ccd-4adf-9d2c-5c5069441047Post:13fbf4c2-526d-4397-acf4-037e8870ff64">Re: Limits on my FIs bachelor party???</a>:
[QUOTE] yes trust is important but to me it's not about trust....it's about respect.
Posted by CaptiolBride[/QUOTE]

Let me put it this way, then:
I trust that he has enough respect for me and himself to conduct himself in an approriate manner.

bablingbrooke

Strippers ≠ Hookers.  I think a few of you are confused.

SuMmErKuTiE

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_limits-fis-bachelor-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:a3c8a40e-9ccd-4adf-9d2c-5c5069441047Post:d82009ca-fd04-4786-9b59-bb330b1d701e">Re: Limits on my FIs bachelor party???</a>:
[QUOTE]i've heard many things that go on at these parties. I have yet to hear anything positive.  Many of the guys do end up going further than we think.  I am not saying that ALL guys do... this is just based on the stories I"ve heard.  Strippers are a very unnecessary tradition. Kind of tacky to celebrate a sacred marriage if you ask me.  My Fi and I both go to strip clubs together but I don't think I want either one of us to be surrounded by naked temptation before we marry as a last chance kind of deal. But to each his/her own.  Fun does not need to include women and men putting their privates in your face with friends pushing you to interact physically.
Posted by CaptiolBride[/QUOTE]

<div>Ditto this.. Neither me or my FI think it's ok nor is it respectful to your future mate to go somewhere where someone will be grinding on your lap naked looking for money. With us it's more of a respect thing than a trust issue. </div><div>
</div><div>I don't think you're out of line for feeling this way or trying to set some boundaries. If I were you I'd be put off by your FI not wanting to respect your wishes. I definitely agree that things can get out of hand and lines are more likely to be crossed when strippers are hired for a private party opposed to the guys going to a strip club. You guys should have an honest conversation about how this would make you feel and how it would be disrespectful. Explain that you're not trying to be controlling but just hoping that lines won't be crossed right before you get married. Hopefully he will understand why you feel the way you do and you guys can come to a compromise. I agree with pp's that you shouldn't even think about getting married if you can't trust each other. </div><div>
</div>

CaptiolBride

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_limits-fis-bachelor-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:a3c8a40e-9ccd-4adf-9d2c-5c5069441047Post:5c3c38d0-1f97-4904-940f-fbad9c3b3cfa">Re: Limits on my FIs bachelor party???</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Limits on my FIs bachelor party??? : Let me put it this way, then: I trust that he has enough respect for me and himself to conduct himself in an appropriate manner.
Posted by SarahPLiz[/QUOTE]

That's awesome :) As you should trust your future partners.  I'm just saying I bet most of the brides felt that way when their FI had his bach party. And to this day...the women  have NO CLUE about what actually goes down, and will probably never find out.  I think it's really sad that as the guys laugh about it and swear to one another that nothing leaves the room after the night....while  they stand and take vows the next day.  She asked for advice and I say just trust him in the situation if he absolutely must have women entertainment.  He shouldn't be doing anything that she feels is inappropriate to their relationship and is disrespectful to her.  Period. (IMO)

Maybe I've just heard too many stories...

backwerdsfish

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_limits-fis-bachelor-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:a3c8a40e-9ccd-4adf-9d2c-5c5069441047Post:d78c2b63-522b-4afe-8d76-f3f2adb61c92">Re: Limits on my FIs bachelor party???</a>:
[QUOTE]OMG ninjasgirl you made my night with the tiger comment!!!!!
<p>Posted by golden1215[/QUOTE]</p><p>Hangover!!!!!!!!!!11111!!!!!!!!! is SOOOOOOOOOOOO funny.  That will TOTES be how his party is!!!!</p>

nefariousmango

Lol, I'm far more worried MY friends will try to re-create "The Hangover!"  My MOH can party hard, and  she's a bit too excited about the "epic" bachlorette party she's planning...

FI has been very clear that he does not want strippers.  As he says, "My groomsmen are pretty much the most awkward group of men ever, and I don't think they can handle being around girls, especially naked ones!"  He's a computer guy, so...

matzke227

I think that something like this is completely different with all relationships. I think that the two of you should have a talk and that it is important to be on the same page about these types of things before getting married. If it is something that means a lot and you feel you are being disrespected, then he should be able to respect how you feel. I dont think it is anything that anyone can really tell you because only you know how he is and what you guys have as far as trust. For me, I dont care if my boyfriend were to go to a stripclub or anything like that, but he feels that it is disrespectful to go to one right before he is going to ask me to be his wife. You are not wrong for putting your opinion out there and telling him, but this really is something that needs to be figured out between you both talking and being honest with each other. I mean you are getting married....

matzke227

 'I also think you're misinformed about strip clubs.  Men are not allowed to touch the strippers back.  Bouncers will throw them out if they do so."
bablingbrooke


Have you been to a strip club these days...there is a whole lot of touching going on!!!

TaraandRichforever

Im not sure what FI best man is doing for his bachelor party yet but I do know that my FI would rather go to a baseball game or something than go to a strip club. But with his best man I dont know. However we have discussed it and I just asked that if he does end up having to go to a strip club that he not get a lap dance and he agreed. This topic used to bother me a lot more than it does now but I think now Im not as worried because I trust that he wont do anything because he loves me and hes a good guy.

banana468

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_limits-fis-bachelor-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:a3c8a40e-9ccd-4adf-9d2c-5c5069441047Post:360f5514-7d9a-47e0-b36c-2b27eec055c9">Re: Limits on my FIs bachelor party???</a>:
[QUOTE] 'I also think you're misinformed about strip clubs.  Men are not allowed to touch the strippers back.  Bouncers will throw them out if they do so." bablingbrooke Have you been to a strip club these days...there is a whole lot of touching going on!!!
Posted by matzke227[/QUOTE]

In the US, the men aren't allowed to touch.  The women touch them but the guys can't touch anywhere.

If they went to Canada it would be a different story.

DH went to his brother's bachelor party and walked into our hotel room saying, "Don't get fake boobs!"

SarahPLiz

Im glad you are listening, OP. The best way to go about this IS to talk to him about how you feel, without ultimatums and absolutes. Let HIM set the limits on his b-party, based on how he feels about it.

millejj1

The best man asked me for rules! It made me seriously uncomfortable!! I trust FI that there would never be a problem, but I was still taken aback that he asked me permission.

I told them, no drugs, don't drive drunk, and no sex. Other than that have fun! He was amazed and said that I am the most laid back bride ever. Crazy! I had talked with FI before about how I felt about strippers and strip clubs so I'm not at all concerned.

I echo the sentiment that if you can't trust him with his bach party there are bigger issues.

coopercat01

I absolutely agree with CaptiolBride.  What kind of stupidity have we come to accept as tradition?  I think it is very dumb and high school-like for people who are about to be married to choose to engage in the very type of behaviour that could put a marriage on the rocks.  Is it really necessary?  Would you behave this way after you were married?

I understand that not everyone may feel this way about it, but in my opinion, if this type of "celebration" makes one of the two people in a relationship uncomfortable, then it may not be appropriate for that couple.  And it doesn't matter whether it's the bride or groom who's uncomfortable with it.  When you're in a committed relationship, married or not, you can't ignore your partner's feelings.  You need to communicate and jointly decide what will work for both of you.

It seems that with all the fancy wedding planning going on people forget what getting/being married is all about.  The fancy party will end and, yes, you will have to live with this person for the rest of your life (at least, that's what's supposed to happen).

Good luck!

polichik

In Response to Re: Limits on my FIs bachelor party???:
[QUOTE]I have feminist issues with strippers. I don't think it's morally wrong -- just really sad, and I truly feel bad for women (and men) who end up having to sell their bodies like that. FI wants to go gambling for his b-party, anyway. But I feel your pain, his Best Man is a partier, too.
Posted by Sagenhaft[/QUOTE]

Yes. I'm not going to my standard soapbox lecture about what the commodification of the female body is doing to gender equality, but I think it's perfectly OK to not want your FI to be in certain situation.

I think that if you go about it in a 'YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO DO THAT!" sort of way, it's not going to go well. But, as his future wife, it absolutely is your place to let him know what makes you uncomfortable. Honestly, I would have doubts about his character hearing him tell me that it's "not your place." What is this, 1955?

FI thinks women selling their bodies in any form is unacceptable, so he let his BM know that he wouldn't attend if there were boobs anywhere near the bachelor party (besides on fully clothed women at a bar, of course). If your FI wants strippers, he should have them within perameters that you are ok with. IMO, being ok with a strip club and drawing the line at a private room is more than reasonable. If he isn't ok with that and doesn't care about your comfort, I'd have serious doubts about marrying the guy.

OSULori

If he's anything like my husband, he'll be so drunk before he even encounters strippers that he won't even remember anything and have to be carried out by his buddies.  No, I am not joking.  And yes, I trust that's what actually happened, as this was recounted to me by a number of very trustworthy sources.

By trying to put "limits" on what goes on at the bachelor party, you're going to sound like an uptight, nagging, insecure bridezilla, and possibly tempt them to disregard your wishes and do whatever they want anyway.  I told my H what I felt was or was not appropriate (basically, look but don't touch), and I trust that he adhered to that. If your fiance respects you at all, he'll do the same.

And anyone who says that MOST guys go further than we think is woefully misinformed, I fear.  If that's really the case, your information is coming from some shady people.