Limits on my FIs bachelor party???

marandala · March 2010

I have no trust issues with my fiancee. If he wants to go to a strip club, I hope he has fun. My issue and restriction is with the drinking the night before the wedding.

When my cousin got married, his bride had her party the night before and had soooo much to drink she barely functioned the day of her wedding.

I am all for him having a great time, I am hoping the party will be the week before, not the night before!

Marandala
10*10*10

jennifersstewart27 · March 2010

My FI and I have agreed that strip clubs, or strippers at private residences are unacceptable in our relationship--bachelor/ette party or not. And that is a boundary that we've discussed and mutually agreed upon. I think many of the other posters are right in that you should most definitely discuss your concerns, and your FI should respect you enough to listen to your wishes. I'm definitely of the opinion that bachelor/ette parties have become out of control. It's not your last night as a single person--you haven't been single since the day you committed to being with your significant other. And my FI agrees, thankfully. So just talk it out and hopefully your FI will come to realize why you're apprehensive and hopefully he'll respect your wishes.

jenica.rangos · March 2010

Hmmm... I have actually gone to a strip club on a few occasions for birthday parties of some of my male friends in college. These places seem to have a range. Some have classier (and more attractive strippers); whereas, at other venues there are strippers who are sort of scanky and cross the line (even with girls around).

After my experience, I definately feel some trepidation around my fiance going to strip clubs for his bach. With that said, all you (or I) can really do is voice our opinions, that we trust them, and that we hope they keep it in line!

Maybe what you need is an equally awesome bachelorette party???

icequeen32 · March 2010

Be "dead serious" and tell him that you want the "after party" for your party to be the equivalent of his bachelor party. See what he thinks...

juliettp · March 2010

Strippers in a private room is just asking for trouble...maybe some of you confident ladies on here don't have enough guy friends...my guy friends, bosses, any man I have ever spoken to, have disgusting sex stories from their bachelor parties...not every man has had the opportunity to just screw a random woman (who may be pretty hot)...no strings...many guys get pressured in2 marriage...and they panic, and think the cliche "this will be the last woman I sleep w/"...and decide they need to get it out of their system..i think going to a strip club is the Obvi way to go...a dirty lap dance is about as far as it will prob go...and there will be no shady stuff going on. And besides trusting your man...what about the other men? many of the guys attending my loves Bach...are married to or dating people I know and care about...I don't want my mans Bach party, being a place where other ladies get cheated on...and STDs are being spread!

abbygrace8 · March 2010

if you get this far down on the list of comments, I'm impressed!

here's how i feel about the subject- why go out to ogle other women when he has you? don't that make you feel devalued? if you truly complete him and you're the only woman he wants to be with for the rest of his life, why is it so important to him to be able to have the freedom to "look but not touch" with other women? and whats the purpose of looking if you can't touch? it's setting yourself up for failure. imagine going on a diet but setting a huge chocolate cheesecake in plain view in your regrigerator. soon enough, you're going to find yourself with the fridge door open and cheesecake all over your face.

i feel like if your fiance respects you, that he should take into consideration that an in-home stripper would make you really uncomfortable. marriage is a union in which husband and wife should submit to each other out of love and respect, not cling for dear life to their "rights." you're not wrong in telling him how you feel, and that you would really appreciate if he, out of respect for you, would stay away from in-home strippers. he should be able to sacrifice something as small as that for an eternity with you. I really hope this works out, and not to sound preachy, but I really will be praying for you and fiance about this. best of luck!

venombt · March 2010

here's what i think. when you're about to make such a sacred bond and committment to the woman you love and hold so dear to your heart, it is a sign of disrespect (not a trust issue) to be doing that. It's like your guy is somewhat depressed that he's getting married and won't be able to do this anymore, that he has to get one last round in before he ties the knot. i think it's distugsting and selfish. you are all he needs to turn him on and give him and good time. so why, so close to you becoming his wife and life partner, would he go have thoughts about screwing some stripper?

amberann2002 · March 2010

CapitolBride, you're great! Well said: It is about respect!

My fiance has 6 groomsmen and 5 are single (2 in a band... wild men!) and sometimes my imagination gets a little out of control when I think of the things that will happen at the bachelor party that I will likely never find out about. I picture all of them at a house party with a bunch of random women they meet on my fiance's "Ultimate Insanity Bail Bond Bachelor Party" (quote from the BM's facebook page), and even if my fiance is not a participant, it makes me feel so insecure thinking about loose women throwing themselves at him to "show him a good time". It's just sometimes easier said than done to sit back and let him do what he wants because what if I am putting myself in a position to be taken advantage of... it's very vulnerable and very difficult. Of course I know better than to think that FI would do anything to hurt me, but like I said, the secrecy of the event makes me anxious!!

And no woman likes feeling insecure, vulnerable, anxious, and disrespected! I think that's the root of my apprehension about FI's bachelor party. Here's hoping I can just relax and let my imagination stop getting the best of me!

summerstoys · March 2010

Im getting married in June and this subject just came up for us too. I told him he can go to as many strip clubs as he wants, but they can NOT rent a hotel room and have strippers go their. I also told him if they did this the wedding would be off! I trust my FL, I do not trust his BM. So I could totally see him doing that. My soon to be sister-in-law is a stripper so I have heard a lot of what goes on there. So no I do not think your wrong with settinglimits on that.

bevrich23 · March 2010

I think that some of you are pretty naive. Maybe I've just come to have way different experiences than most other women, but I used to be the girl that had mostly guys as friends and they felt ok to open up to me and tell me about different things.
A man that is typically a cheater will cheat when there is no alcohol present and maybe just a sexy girl in his office starts hitting on him and stuff, but men are very visual creatures, unlike women, and a man is more likely to 'get off' by "looking" at porn and 'seeing' things, just as he would be more likely when under the influence of alcohol(which is like a drug), in front of actual real physical stimulation, being physically stimulated and having comraderie to do something that he won't typically do, if it is not held in an area that is otherwise socially controlled.
So I would say, yes going to a strip club is definitely much different than having a private party that is not externally controlled by anyone else. You pay one of those women enough money and they will do anything! And it's not like your hubby to be is the one that has to pay for anything at his own bachelor party. All his boys pay for it and between all of them, I'm sure they can fit the bill for enough mischief.
It is not the same to say that putting a guy in the room wtih a child, that you shouldn't trust him to be a pedophile. Put a straight man in a room with another sexy man that is gay and I bet you nothing would happen there either, because he's not attracted to that. Your man however, if he's marrying you, is more than likely attracted to women as a whole, and a naked women rubbing her tits in your man's face and rubbing her knees up on his 'thing' will definitely turn him on, and when people are under the influence of something, they are more likely to make less sound decisions and you add the comraderie of friends who are also under the influence and egging him on, then you have a potential recipe for trouble.
I for one don't understand why anyone thinks its morally ok for your significant others to be engaged in such activities, whether you're a man or a woman because to me its like saying ok to your husband, once in a while you can go have the office secretary or some other woman you know put her naked melons in your face and rub on your crotch, just come home and do it with me after. I can't think of one good thing that can come out of that. So why even do it? There are so many other ways to have fun, why does the focus have to be on sexuality with someone other than your significant other?

KellyDailey · March 2010

Neither of us will have strippers at our parties... it is simply a matter of respect for each other. To us, it is intensely disrespectful and borderline cheating to have a naked person dry-humping you. The whole idea of this being a one-time thing, or a "last night out" doesn't make any sense to us. Didn't you already make a committment to obstain from sexual behavior with other people when you agreed to date exclusively, or agree to get married??

On a side note, there is nothing "traditional" about a bachelor party with strippers. Traditionally, bachelors got together with the guys to drink brandy, play cards, and smoke cigars.

My fiance and I will simply have a night out with our friends, but it won't be labeled as a "last night out" or, one last time to let loose. We will have plenty of nights out with our friends after we get married as well.

awellbrook · March 2010

It is just my opinion but the whole idea of the bachelor party is tacky. I have mostly males friends and I have heard first hand about the things that go on. I love and trust my fiance but I don't understand why I am suppose to be ok with him going and getting drunk with his friends and have women rubbing there naked bodies all over him. It wouldn't be ok with me any other night of the week so why do I need to suck it up and deal becuase it is happening for his bachlor party. It is not controlling to have feelings and input into your relationship. There are two people that are suppose to be involved in a relationship and that means you are entitled to your thoughts and feeling whether he likes them or not.

lrueffer · March 2010

I'm not comfortable with my FI going to a strip club for his bachelor party either. I completely trust him not to do anything, but on any other day, if a girl were rubbing her naked body in his face and all over him--whether or not he was touching--it would not be OK. So I especially don't think it's OK the week before our wedding. My friends got married last year, and they are still arguing over what happened at the bachelor party; the FI didn't do anything, but my friend was/is pissed about what the stripper did to him.

However, I didn't tell my FI that he couldn't go to a strip club, because I realized it would turn him off and make him defensive. When he brought up the topic of his bachelor party on his own, I merely told him in a very calm tone that I was not comfortable with him going to a strip club. I made sure to emphasize that I trusted him, and then I told him the reasons why I'm not comfortable with it, including our friends who are still fighting, and how I don't want to start our marriage that way. After I told him my opinion, I did not bring it up again, and I ultimately left the decision up to him. In the end, he respected my opinion, and is not going to a strip club. He told the groomsmen and the other guys that are going that HE'S just not interested in going to a strip club, so they aren't pressuring him to change his mind.

If you're really not comfortable with it, just tell him, but do not put rules on his bachelor party, and do not tell him that he can't go to a strip club.

ohkay14 · March 2010

Rules are almost never okay in these kinds of situations, in my humble opinion. But it is EXTREMELY important that he understand your emotional feelings on this matter, and that he be respectful of them. If you can say "let's talk about why you want this and why it makes me uncomfortable, and try to find a middle ground", and he's still upset with you, you may want to try to find a mediator (a therapist perhaps?)...since that's indicative of other problems.

abbygrace8 · March 2010

here here, venom bt! excellently put.

stephanieandsean · March 2010

AMEN.

noellewood · March 2010

I think it's normal to be concerned. NO ONE likes the thought of another girl rubbing and... well you know... all over your man, BUT it's how he handles it. And you should know by now if he's the kind of person you can trust. I'm sure you do trust him, so don't worry about it! I know it'll be hard to, but you can do it

my fiance's best man is a NUT CASE hahaa! and he wants all the things your best man does! I know in the end my fiance loves me and would never do anything to hurt OR embarrass me. I don't think yours would either

so youre fine! HAVE FUN!

april245 · March 2010

I have the same feelings about private shows, especially after a stripper bride told me a few things about private shows. I told my FI that I have no problem with the strip clubs, but do have a problem for private shows.

joonbug678 · March 2010

I told my FI and his best man "no naked girls and no crazy stuff or face my wrath". :P But I was mostly joking and FI didn't want to do anything crazy anyway. He and I are long-distance, so if we didn't trust each other it would never have worked.

benavente.stephanie · March 2010

My bros have been telling me they're going to have a bachelor party like "The Hangover" ever since they saw the movie...I have to say, I'm a little nervous. My H2B is a good man & over the past 7 yrs I think he's proven himself more than enough times for me to be able to trust that he's not done anything stupid before & he won't use a bach party as an excuse to do something stupid this time. He can handle himself, but I still wouldn't want some nasty stripper in his face-REGARDLESS!

lisnaomi · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_limits-fis-bachelor-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:a3c8a40e-9ccd-4adf-9d2c-5c5069441047Post:0e63007d-c570-40cd-bbf1-771348bd4248">Re: Limits on my FIs bachelor party???</a>:
[QUOTE]Why don't YOU strip for him! Not with the rest of his friends of course, but a night or two before the bachelor party. Have some champagne together and surprise him and remind him that you're the one he wants! Then tell him to go out and look at those nasty trashy women and hopefully he'll be thinking of you and what a cool, exciting girl he's marrying! Is anyone doing this? Just curious...
Posted by anne.azano[/QUOTE]

For my bachelorette party, my friends and I are taking a pole dancing class one month before the wedding. The instructors include free lap dance instruction for the bride-to-be, so I am definitely planning to do a strip/lap dance for my fiance before his party! Probably a few times in fact ;)

I found it particularly interesting in my case that when he and I initially discussed strip clubs (when we had only been together a year or so and he was going to a friend's bach party) he was like "When we get married, strip clubs are just part of the party!" and now that we are really getting married he says "I don't need to go to a strip club, I'm marrying you! Why would I need a strip club?"

melissaj0128 · March 2010

I think that best way to go about this is not by "setting limits". It will get both your fiance and his friends pretty pissed.

I told my fiance that I just felt uncomfortable with him looking at other girls naked bodies and that I really didn't like the idea of a bunch of guys in a house with a naked girl. I just told him basically how I'm already insecure with myself and even though I know that he loves me and is marrying me and not some stripper, that all I would thijnk about is how I could live up to what a stripper looked like.

He felt pretty bad and said he would tell his friends he'd rather go bar hopping with all of them.

Try it, might work for you!

areed13 · March 2010

I don't think you should talk to his friends...but I do think it is okay that you talk with your groom and set limits. My fiance and I have both agreed that no strippers will be allowed at either of our parties and he has talked to my MOH and I have talked to his Best Man (we all went to high school together so we know eachother and are close). It is not a trust thing...it is a comfort and respect thing for me personally. So talk to your groom and express how you feel.

arkelly448 · March 2010

Very well said CapitolBride. I have no inclination whatsoever to go to a strip club for my bachelorette party.

rrrachie · March 2010

My brother is going to my FI so its kinda like having a spy. why dont you just do that?

JayandRosie · March 2010

I trust my fiance COMPLETELY!! I know he says the strippers aren't for him and they're more for all his married friends there but regardless it's all in good fun. I know my guy won't do anything that would humiliate or show me any disrespect and he DEFINITELY wouldn't do something that would jeopardize our relationship and upcoming wedding (especially since he and I are paying for so much of it!!). It doesn't hurt that my two brothers are in the wedding party and will be there to keep him in line! But even if they weren't I trust him.

However, if you are not comfortable with a private house party your man really should respect that. You're not ruling out strippers entirely. I think that's more than reasonable.

Mell and Rob · March 2010

in a way he's right, it isn't our place to put limits on the bachelor party, any more then it's their right to put limits on our party, However.... both people should be sensitive to what makes each other uncomfterbale and apply that to everyday life not just pre-wedding parties. if it makes you uncomfterbale, try saying something to that extent, like "Hey baby, I trust you with my everything, and I trust you're judgment and actions, however having strippers at you're B-party really make me uncomfterbale, and I'm not sure why.... (because if you trust him then it shouldn't bother you, so that leaves a few other options which you would have to think about to get to the root of the problem...) I grew up with boy's so usually if it's put in a non challenging way and they have time to think about it they come to the "idea" on their own, but if you turn into a screaming monster more then likely he's going to get mad and do what he wants....(not saying you did lol) so try that.... good luck I hope it works out for you!!! and congratulations.....

sweetblueyes316 · March 2010

It doesn't sound like you totally trust him...?? I think it is controlling but I understand where you coming from. I think you have to let him make his choices and find a way to trust him, that no matter how much alcohol he has or how much his friends might pressure him that he is the man you want him to be and he will make the right choice. If he's not the person you think he is...well good to know now and not later!