Limits on my FIs bachelor party???

shara82

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_limits-fis-bachelor-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:a3c8a40e-9ccd-4adf-9d2c-5c5069441047Post:b49e0691-5fcc-4b27-92e4-44778011d487">Re: Limits on my FIs bachelor party???</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Limits on my FIs bachelor party??? : Since when has naked women rubbing their tits on our future husband not been our "business"? Also, I highly doubt my FI would be okay with me touching a stripper's d**k. Insanity? How about pot calling the kettle black?
Posted by sgervais88[/QUOTE]

I agree! Stag party? Must be british.  My FI is british as well, and he would be WELL PISSED OFF if I did that.  I feel bad for the bride-to-be.

moragne44

I agree with you completely. it is not a matter of trust...it's a matter of what is appropriate and what is not. I verbalized to my fiance that i was not comfortable with him having strippers at all. Is that because I don't trust him? absolutely NOT...But the thought of a bunch of naked women dancing around a room full of married men in a private house, just seems wrong. And if you assume your man or grooms men are not going to do anything inappropriate with them, then why have them at all?

Victoria62185

Wow I guess I came out lucky that my FI and I have similar standards-we both agreed that strippers are not appropriate. Period. His brother is a partier so the hardest part for us was trying to convince him that I'm not a control freak but that neither of us wants that (and no, I promise my FI isn't just saying that to make me happy) and trying to convince him to tone down whatever he was planning. When my brother planned my other brother's bach party, they did sumo wrestling, shooting ranges, etc. It's still possible to have a fun guy's night out before the wedding. But I might be a little different-we don't really look at the b-party as a "last chance" either.

rkammerling

Should you set limits?? Hmmmm! Should you put a bib on him and set a cerfew for him as well?? C'mon! Your his partner, his wife, NOT his mommy.  I know you may want to control things but you need to let go a bit. 

My FI also has some very wild groomsmen who will be helping plan his bachelor party but im not worried. Why? Because I trust my FI whole heaartedly and not only that but he is fully capable of being able to think for himself.  He is not a big wussy that gives into peer pressure and does things he doesnt want to do.  He is a grown man and will speak up if he doesnt want to do something. 

If you do not trust your FI to do the same, I would seriously take a moment to think about who you are marrying.  If you trust him 100% and you know he would not do anything to disrespect you then you have nothing to worry about.  I cant tell you how many UNhappy marriages there are out there because the wife acts more like a mother than a partner.  You guys are a team! Remember that. You need to work together not against each other. You have to have trust in order for your marriage to work.  If you start off with doubts, what do you have to look forward to? Dont be a contolling wife. Im sure you would hate a controlling husband.  And remember, he is marrying you because he wants to be with YOU!!!!

dena0831

Limits yes, but rules are a no. Most Grooms will understand that having sex with someone else is a no. I think that as long as there is an understanding that strippers are for bachelor parties only there is nothing to worry about. You don't want to enter a marriage with no trust, or with your FI's friends thinking you are controlling.

Ryanne81

well..all this said. In my country it isn't usual to go to strip clubs on your bachelor night, I mean he's not single anymore, he's a man about to be married and I do have a problem with him going to a stripclub. I told him that I dont like it, thats all I can do. I do think it's a lack of repect if guys go see naked girls when they're about to get married. And in general I guess I just think ppl (girls too!) have no buisness looking at other ppl naked when they're in a relationship, call me old fashioned. I dont want to sleep next to him when his head is filled with the picture of another naked woman.
I am from the country where prostitution is legal btw, so is smoking pot: Holland

I think its different foreverybody, I am not affraid to put my foot down onthis, and I feel really strongly about this. I am not affraid to be called a bridezilla either, its just how I feel.

Good luck though, and I hope you and your fiance work it out.

Ryanne81

Since WHEN is it so hard for men to have fun without naked woman? Just go out drinking, have a blast and keep your thoughts on the prize> ME! LOL

I just dont get the "need" for strippers.

AGraceA10

It's absolutely fine for you to tell him what you have an issue with about the party. But in the end it's not your decision. My FI and I both are very commited to eachother and we love eachother, which is why he decided that there will be no strippers at his bachelor party, instead he's going paintballing with his buddies.  I don't understand the point of strippers at a bacherlor party anyway, in my opinion its disgusting and I would never, EVER marry a man who would be ok with strippers at his bacherlor party.  But that's my personal opinion.

kspeckels

I agree 100% with CapitolBride.. My FI and I have been to a strip club together, and I saw first hand the bachelor party that was taking place on the stage next to us. The buddies pinning the broom down for girls to rub their southern lady parts on his face & mouth. I have already voiced my concerns about it to my FI because he is such a repectable and faithful man - the thoughts of him being the groom-to-be like the one we saw makes me so sick. It ruins the man that I'm marrying. He understood how much it meant to me, and I the fact that I opened up about it allowed him to realize the man that I see him as today. I think that if anything - he liked the idea that I cared.

Only you know your man. All of these posts of "maybe you shouldn't get married if you don't trust him" are not the topic at hand. We all obvioiusly trust our men. It's the last minute "free sex night" that we're not comfortable with.

lizsanders

I don't think trust has anything to do with it, it's a matter of respect.  How is lusting after other women showing respect and love?  Sure, you can trust him not to "do anything", but really, if his idea of fun is staring at some other womans' boobs the night before the wedding, I wouldn't marry him!

shadnee

I laid my foot down and said no females of any kind (his friends wouldn't take him to a stip club or hire strippers, but some of them like hooters), but not that I didn't trust my fiance but that my fiance didn't want to go there anyway and didn't want to be the one to hurt his best man's feelings, plus my 14 year old brother is going to be with them and I don't want him around any of that (I also said no drinking, which the fiance agreed about as well). In the end, my love is getting to do exactly what he wants to - go out to a nice dinner and a great movie afterward. The whole issue is that you're marrying the "love of your life", your husband should see you as the best there is, and if you're the best then why would he want or have a reason to look at anything less (any other woman)? That's how we feel about the issue, not looking at other people isn't hard at all because neither one of us WANT to look at anyone else, why would you want a pile of ground beef when you have a steak waiting for you at home?

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_limits-fis-bachelor-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:a3c8a40e-9ccd-4adf-9d2c-5c5069441047Post:eef2d191-589c-4b09-83f1-9e37b53cf240">Re: Limits on my FIs bachelor party???</a>:
[QUOTE]I think it's funny that 90% of women on here wrote that if they had concerns about strippers, etc than they wouldn't be getting married. I'm sorry, but my fiance knows what he's doing when he's sober.... how many of us can say we know what we are doing or can control iwhat we are doing when we are wasted? Especially when people around us are encouraging certain types of behavior. My fiance doesn't want to go to a strip club, but said he can't control what the guys have at the house and I am not ok with that. You have no idea what the guys that are at the bachelor party are going to be like, even if your guy is a saint! Some of my fiance's friends are married and pretend to be in a goody-goody Christian relationship, but when their wives aren't around they do drugs, cheat, and spend hours alone at the strip club - and these are the guys that will be throwing a bachelor party for my guy. When my man was the best man for his cousin, he assured me they were only going to have a "guy's night" at the house with video games, drinking, movies, etc. because his cousin didn't want strippers. Well they ended up having a two-night in a row bash at the strip club (thanks to influence from his buddies) where his cousin ended up so wasted he accidentally called his fiance the night before the wedding and left a message with him saying how after being at the strip club he didn't know if he could commit to one pu**y for the rest of his life! This was all him talking to a guy friend not knowing he was leaving her a lengthy message... you can imagine how upset she was when she listened to it! So knowing about all of this definitely concerns me.... why would anyone want there man looking at other naked women, being tempted by their naked bodies, right before committing to honor their love for one another?! My fiance was annoyed about me putting down some rules.... but when I asked how he would feel if my girlfriends "surprised" me with naked hot male strippers at the house for my bachelor party, he sure changed his tune! We have decided on a joint bachelor party. We are going to go out for mexican food with all of our guy & girl friends, open our gifts, and party the night away. The next day the girls will do spa treatment, manis, pedis, etc. while the guys go fishing and shooting together. That to me sounds much more fun, leaves no room for question, jealousy, or innapropriate behavior to occur. Nobody wants to start a new marriage off wondering or finding out about bad behavior with other naked women, right?! So I say that you are not controlling by putting down some ground rules, as long as you express why you feel the way you do. And if he can accept and respect them, and join in on what things would concern him as well - then you two are going to be just dandy. And if his friend keeps pushing the topic, you can state how disrespectful it is to not only you, but to your relationship as well. We had to tell one of our friends he wasn't allowed to come over anymore unless he could respect the rules of our relationship because he knows that I don't like porn and my fiance is recovering from a drinking habit, but yet he'd bring a huge pack of beer w/energy alcholic drinks over, encourage my fiance to pound them when I was in the other room, and was always sneakily trying to show my fiance something gross & perverted (naked porn pics, etc.) on his phone when I wasn't looking!!! Anyway, good luck to you. I would definitely suggest a joint party if possible or really agree on what works for the both of you and make sure EVERYONE in the bridal party is clear on it. This is the last thing you shold be worrying about before your big day!!!!
Posted by crizee[/QUOTE]

Just an FYI. Very few people are ever going to read any of your posts if you continue to write novels without hitting the enter key.

sunni15

I actually had this talk with my FI, and wen't so crazy as to say no strippers period.  But we both knew that was too much.  We decided on mutual rules, we both follow them, such as no drugs and no sexual touching.  That means that if they do go to a strip club, then he can look, but don't touch, and no rubbing her bits on his face and groin.  He agreed though that strippers at the home went too far, because there is a lot more allowed in home than at the club.  And his BM likes to pressure him to do stupid things when they are drunk, so public and can help stem that.

Sunni

FalStar

My FI and I are both setting ground rules for our bachelor/ bachelorette parties. This way, we both know what we are allowed/not allowed to do, and there is no confusion the night we have our parties.
I don't think what you are doing is pushy at all. I know that neither my fiance nor I would be comfortable with the other one having a stripper at a house! If your FI has a problem with you two setting some basic ground rules, then maybe he shouldn't have decided to get married!

bwilliams85

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_limits-fis-bachelor-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:a3c8a40e-9ccd-4adf-9d2c-5c5069441047Post:1e6f3900-4e5e-40e9-8000-7acef7e94192">Re: Limits on my FIs bachelor party???</a>:
[QUOTE]Having one night out with his friends is not the same thing as disrespecting your whole relationship or marriage.  The point of a bach party at a strip club is not to turn the groom on but to embarrass him.  The party is mostly for the other guys. If you have trust issues like this, you really need to resolve them before getting married.   I also think you're misinformed about strip clubs.  Men are not allowed to touch the strippers back.  Bouncers will throw them out if they do so.  And I say again, strippers are not hookers.
Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]

It depends on where you go.  Ive been to a really classy strip club where the "no touch" rules are applied forcefully and Ive been to a strip club where girls were giving "extras" in the corner.  So to say strippers are not hookers, across the board, is incorrect. 

When it comes to not wanting your man to go to a strip club, it really is a catch 22.  If you tell him how you feel, he may feel pissed and like your trying to control him.  If you dont tell him then you may drive yourself crazy on his bach night.  No matter how you try and dissect it, it is what it is.  Men are visual creatures.  Some women understand, others dont.  My best advice would  be to realize that this will not be a reoccuring thing (hopefully) and let him have a good time.  It sucks because if your like me, the thought of your man even thinking that way about another women makes you want to vomit, but in reality, thats how their minds think all the time. 

My FI and I dont go to strip clubs but we have been a couple times with some friends to a nice classy one and it was a good time. However, we mutally think it is a waste of money.  Best of luck to you! 

[Deleted User]

My fiance won't have any at his party because we both discussed it and came to a comprimise. He won't have any strippers if I don't have any strippers. We both realized that there was no point to even seeing the strippers since we are getting  married.

If he wants to see strippers, get lap dances, etc., then in my opinion he isn't very faithful. He should only truely want you, the person he wants to spend the rest of his life with. Otherwise, what's the point?

holmscheid

I personally feel that if your fiance's friends respected him, you and your relationship then they wouldn't even think to throw a party that included some of those things.   I think you are perfectly fine with setting limitations or rather expectations but make sure you communicate them in a tactful way,

callawaykl

You deserve to be respected. If you're uncomfortable with him going to a strip club or having a stripper in a private residence, and he does it anyway...he's disrespecting you. I don't care if it does come across as controlling; my FI know that, under no circumstances, is he to have a stripper or go to a strip club. Do I trust him to behave in that type of situation? Yes. It has nothing to do with that. I simply find it disrespectful to our relationship. I'm not sure why it's not okay for some random woman to rub her boobs in a guy's face, but it is okay for somebody who claims that as her profession. I don't care who you are, or what your job is...keep your goodies away from my man.

 

CapitolBride put it best when she said it’s kind of tacky to celebrate a sacred marriage. That sums it up better than I’ve been able to put into words. Thank you!

themidge

just remind yourself that you are marrying your FI and not your FI's best man.

luckyme502

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_limits-fis-bachelor-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:a3c8a40e-9ccd-4adf-9d2c-5c5069441047Post:3c3e4bea-4e71-46a7-bc6a-7a2b81988115">Re: Limits on my FIs bachelor party???</a>:
[QUOTE]I dont like strip clubs or strippers for that matter.  However, I could care less if he goes for his bach party.  I trust him.  Period.  Plus, at 34, i doubt he stands a chance with a stripper, lol. If you are worried, just talk to him about your concerns.  Just dont put restrictions on things.
Posted by Blueyed228[/QUOTE]

Why wouldn't a 34 year old stand a chance with strippers?  I'm confused by this.  Is there an age limit?

luckyme502

I trusted my first husband.  We lived in Germany.  His friends took him to a strip club for his BP.  After we had been married for about 4 months, his friend showed me a picture of my first husband getting a blow job at his bp at the strip club.  That was just lovely as a young, pregnant, married woman to see! 

ilana!!

I think it is about respect for the person you are about commit the rest of your life to and I don't think that is shown by getting drunk and gawking(and sometimes pawing at) naked chicks. Why is that even necessary? I find it hard to believe that most women aren't bothered by their "man" perusing strip clubs and hot naked women, grinding on them. If they are that confident in their signifiacnt others, then all the more power to them. Temptation is strong when it comes in the form of nude women, booze and encouragement from buddies and I believe it is naive to think that there aren't men who would seize their opportunity for one final hurrah before  settling down.

brian.and.kate

What the hell is wrong with everybody that is saying that she shouldn't set limits?!?!?  I thought a good relationship was all about compromise.  If you are uncomfortable with this, your man should RESPECT that.  If he doesn't, or refuses to compromise, then I think THAT is your big problem.

drewandmichelle

Any fiance who would spend the night before his wedding drooling over the breasts of another woman isn't worth marrying!

AshRenCoo

Like everyone else has said, I wouldn't marry someone I couldn't trust.  However, I do not think it is insecure to not want your fiance around a bunch of strippers. A bunch of drunk partying guys and woman who use their sexuality for money isnt a good combination. You wouldn't have a naked woman prancing around your house in front of your husband and why should a bachelor party be any exception?  I personally think its ridiculous for men to use bachelor parties as an excuse to be around that sort of objectifying nonsensical trash (if i can be blunt), and if you don't feel comfortable with it he probably loves you enough to understand.  It is all about the way you go about asking him not to do it.

yoshieblonde

In my opinion, you are not out of line. My fiancé and I are Christians and think strippers have a very degrading line of “work”. I never understood bachelor and bachelorette parties because they say it is your "last night to be single"...Um, excuse me, but no one is single if they are engaged to be wed! Plus, why is it necessary to be gawking and drooling over naked opposite sex members. And don't say it is because of "tradition". I believe friends can go out and celebrate in a cleaner way that shows commitment to their fiancé. I think most bach parties are just very ungodly. It's a shame that most people think you are being too controlling.

scarletirishrose

I'm in a similar situation.  My fiance and I don't understand why men have to celebrate getting married by having the boobs of trashy women pressed up against them, and while I know there's zero risk of my fiance wanting strippers, I also know that 2 of his close friends really want to throw him a party with strippers, mainly for them more than for what he wants.  Anyway, I suggested that there are alternatives to boobs, drinking, and someone in the party possibly having drunken sex with an STD-laden stranger.  If he knows they're planning on throwing one of these parties and he's not even open to alternatives that you might BOTH be more comfortable with, then there's a problem...in this case he pretends to object, but is really looking forward to it.  You don't have to tell him, you can just say, "So I've been thinking about your bachelor party.  Strippers make me uncomfortable and I don't trust (friend's name) to not have strippers at the party.  Would you be open to hearing some other fun ideas I had about the party?"  If he shuts you down, chances are this is his personality, which will be bad for you, but hopefully he'll just listen.

Alternatives:
Do a group/combination bachelor/bachelorette party where everyone hangs out and has fun at a bowling ally, a theme park, the beach, etc.

They could also do a "just guys" thing that involves: fishing, camping, deep sea fishing, surfing, rock climbing, dirt bike riding, skeet shooting, etc.

Of course I feel a little more secure because my Matron of Honor's husband will also be in the wedding, and he has enough pull that getting the bachelor party planning away from the other guys won't be too hard.  They're all talking about going camping by the beach and renting canoes.  Anyway, hope this helps dear.

futuremrswashichek

I don't understand how strippers aren't cheating.  Maybe I am just old fashoned but I don't understand how getting all hot and bothered by another naked girl will ever be ok.  It wouldn't be ok if it was a girl he knows, why would be it be ok if it is a girl he doesn't know?

cailey_scaman

Okay, I had to add my comments, only because my fiance and I have been talking about this.

I felt the same way, that I didn't mind him going to a strip club, but I am uncomfortable with him having strippers to a house-type party.  My fiance has said he doesn't even WANT strippers at all, because they tend to completely humiliate and sometimes even beat the crap out of the bachelor (we have witnessed this together at a stripclub). But I did not feel bad asking him to respect my wishes and this is why:   we are getting married.  Marriage is about compromise. I trust that he would be behave. I really do. But I don't want to give OTHER people any reason to doubt us or our marriage.   To me, it is like asking someone not to wear something inappropriate to a family gathering, or not to swear in front of children.... that type thing. It's not that you love the person any less, but it's something that makes you uncomfortable, and you'd rather it not happen. I don't think you should set a ton of limits for either of each other's party... but I definitely think that feelings could get hurt, or lines could be crossed if you don't talk to your fiance about this, and express your wishes. If it is really a big deal to him, then come up with a solution....     Nobody in a marriage should ever feel unheard, or disrespected.  And yes, there are plenty of things for him to do as his last night as a bachelor...... and really, you aren't taking strippers away.... just asking him not to have them at a home, where it may look a little akward to the neighbors when a half-naked girl leaves. 

ABucci

It isn't about trust, it's about respect. When it comes down to it I'm sure that you want to be the only woman your husband sees naked, especially now that you're engaged. The past is the past, whatever, but now you're building a future together with just the two of you.