Limits on my FIs bachelor party???

denimdarling88

I got lucky; my FI isn't a partier and this wasn't an issue.  However, he and I talked about the bachelor/bachelorette parties when we first got engaged to set limits then.  We discuss everything; this wasn't an exception.

cukimerrydoll

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_limits-fis-bachelor-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:a3c8a40e-9ccd-4adf-9d2c-5c5069441047Post:dd84aa10-6285-4ef9-a05c-3fcb05b8a155">Re: Limits on my FIs bachelor party???</a>:
[QUOTE]I said no..  but it was not because I set limits.  DH preferred to go gambling instead.   I was the one encouraging the strippers.  I know he would not disrespect me and it would have been cheaper than him gambling..
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]
This... but not that he would prefer to go gambling....
Because we JUST watched The Hangover (finished about 1/2 an hour ago), and his dad and best man just promised me nothing like that would happen.  I have a general idea of what will, but I trust him, our friends, and when all else fails - my brother will be there too.

anne.azano

Why don't YOU strip for him!  Not with the rest of his friends of course, but a night or two before the bachelor party.   Have some champagne together and surprise him and remind him that you're the one he wants!   Then tell him to go out and look at those nasty trashy women and hopefully he'll be thinking of you and what a cool, exciting girl he's marrying!  Is anyone doing this?  Just curious...

tjcarter87

*Just my oppinion* but I do think you're being WAY too controlling.

cheergurl8194

I agree with you completely! My FI knew that I am completely  against strippers before we even got engaged. I asked him how he would feel having a man shaking his stuff in my face and rubbing it all over me. He wouldn't like it and feel disrespected, so I let him know I feel the same. I think it's a respect thing.

jinxed8605

FI's BM is too shy around women to host the party at a strip club, and FI knows that I am uncomfortable with the thought of another woman rubbing her boobs on his face. If he wants a stripper, I'll give him a private show and he knows it. It's just an understanding he has of my feelings.

kmm2150

Our rules are no diseases, no babies. That's a joke we have, but its similar to another post - just don't do anything that you'll regret for the rest of your life, like get arrested, end up in the ER, etc.  I agree with pp that the whole concept of strip clubs is depressing, and for me I find the men's story very sad - that they have to go and pay money to pretend for a moment that they are loved or desired or whatever.  BUT I realize this isn't the case in b-parties, 99.9% of the time - him going to a strip club is no different from me going out to a bar with a stupid penis veil on my head - its silly, embarassing, fun for one night with your friends.  If it was a weekly activity, I would be ticked, but don't worry about one night. 

If you have safety concerns regarding party-animal friends, like drunk driving, or like them putting pressure on your fiance to do something bad, talk to him about that.  Maybe you could suggest someone being the designated partyer for the night - a responsible friend to stay sober and make sure things don't get out of hand - not just stripper-related, but that no one accidentally tips a hot bartender 100s of dollars or drives drunk, that sort of thing.

bridetobeJessicaMarie

my fiance and i had a conversation about our parties, what i felt comfortable with, he the same. we found mutual ground that we both find suitable for a fun party yet not out of bounds. we are both happy with our decisions. i just say talk to him about it. find level ground. hope it helps.

kay_marie00

I have to agree with some of the PPs. My FI has been talking about his b-party since "the Hangover" came out (now he thinks they need to go to Vegas, but I told him no because with his friends, they WOULD recreate that movie
I would not care if my FI went to a strip club, because I know there are rules about touching and whatnot, however, there are strip clubs around here that you can get a "private room" and if they give the stripper some extra cash, she'll do whatever they want (I've had guys confirm this). That just isn't okay...it's just gross and disguisting.
If my FI has a b-party and strippers came to them (like a private house party), I would not be okay with it. I trust that my FI isn't going to do anything to ruin our relationship, but I also know his friends and how they can talk him into a lot of stupid stuff (I honestly don't think he would cheat on me and I don't want you guys to get the wrong idea that I don't trust my FI - but I just know how stupid my FI and his friends get when they've done a lot of drinking and for some reason doing stupid stuff sounds like a good idea at the time). I know guy friends who had a stripper come to a private house party and things got out of control. Friends encouraged certain behavior and before you knew it the groom-to-be was in a hot tub with 2 strippers...and for some reason it was videotaped (unfortunately I have seen that tape). I've heard more stories about strippers coming to a house and what takes place and these girls are not strippers, they are whores. One stripper around here brings sex toys with her and allows the groom-to-be to use them on her in front of everyone. To me, that's cheating and disrespectful to the person you're marrying.

So I guess long story short, if my FI was going to go to a strip club, I'd be okay with it yet I wouldn't like it. If they were going to have strippers come to them, I would not be okay with it.

pcc19

I think it is important to know "what is cheating?" within your own relationship. 

Looking?  Touching?  Both of these are implied with strippers (even if it's just her touching him). Kissing and beyond is obviously cheating.  If you trust him, no amount of alcohol should make him make out with another woman.

I would be uncomfortable with the whole stripper thing.  My fI isn't into that, and I'd like to think that my not being ok with it would be enough for him to say no even if he was.

DSHighSchoolSweethearts

Let me start by saying I'm the luckiest girl in the world to be engaged to my wonderful fiance. I didn't tell him my opinion on strippers, I ignored the subject altogether, and he told me almost right off the bat that he wouldn't disrespect me or them by participating in anything related to naked women. 2 of his groomsmen are married and feel the same way; they didn't have strippers either, and he went to both bachelor parties. I'm so glad he feels this way, because I do too. It's not about trust; of course I trust him, even in that situation. It's about respect. Respecting me, respecing women in general, respecting our love and relationship. Everyone's different, but I'm so glad him and I are the same on this, and that even better, he voiced the opinion first.

I would be slightly concerned that your FI just threw aside your concerns. To me, that's a red flag; he should always take how you feel into consideration. While he doesn't have to agree, saying it's "none of your business" or "not your place" isn't practicing good communication skills and isn't very mature. In my opinion: No, you shouldn't tell him what to do, but yes, he should be willing to listen to your opinion.

tickledpinkrain

me and FI agreed...he can do whatever he wants as long as I can do equal.  With that said, he hates the idea of me looking on some other naked man, so he wouldn't look at some other naked girl.  If he did, I would be a little upset, but only b/c of my own insecurities (which I'm aware of and working on).  I trust FI completely.  If his boys end up taking him out to see naked women, atleast he's with his friends who I trust as well.  We're a close knit group.

From my experience, it's my insercurities that make me controlling...but i have no desire to be in control in our relationship...just equal. 

Soonergrlnks

I think your FI best man should respect what your FI would like to do for his party.  If your FI wants to go to a strip club what is the big deal?  He's coming home to you at the end of the night.  I know that the BM and MOH for our wedding have both asked us what kind of party we would like to have.  I think that is the way it should be. 

Can someone please tell me what DH is? 

lyndausvi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_limits-fis-bachelor-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:a3c8a40e-9ccd-4adf-9d2c-5c5069441047Post:c51863e5-e468-48b9-b9a9-9255b931f958">Re: Limits on my FIs bachelor party???</a>:
[QUOTE]I <strong>Can someone please tell me what DH is?</strong> 
Posted by Soonergrlnks[/QUOTE]

Dear Husband

bosoxy

I won't give you my opinion because you've heard a lot of them, but let me give you a few facts (as I know them) about strippers.

1.  Strip clubs are different from state to state and club to club.  For instance, in my state, you can go to a totally nude club, but you can't drink there and you can't touch the dancers.  If you go to a semi nude club, they do allow drinking and light touching (no privacy, basically only legs and arms). 

2.  Most strip clubs have a VIP room.  Now, I can't tell you what they do with men, my man hasn't gone in one alone (if he had, he would have told me what they do, but he is too cheap).  As a woman, they typically give lap dances, allow touching, and get more intimate but no sex!

3.  Bouncers will kick you out if you get inappropriate, it's not good for business.  It makes other patrons get rowdy too and then you get a riot on your hands.

4.  Strippers that come to your home also have bouncers that are more strict than the clubs.  Now, there are non-legit strippers that don't work for any company so they would not have a bouncer with them.  Stupid of them though. 

5.  Most guys think strippers are just fun to watch.  I have never known a guy that actually wanted to hook up with one.  My FI always says they smell.  I have gone several times with him and haven't noticed, but whatever.  He also thinks they are all crack heads, but I don't believe that. 

Several men think low of them.  That is why they find lovely women like yourselves instead of them.  Hope some of this helps calm some of your fears about allowing strippers at your FI Bach.  I would be happy if my FI would go out with some friends for his Bach.  So far, he keeps saying he wants to hang out with me at my Bach and doesn't want his own.

lysandramarie

My FI had his party Friday night.  I knew it was planned and didn't even think to set any limits.  I was a little grossed out and frankly disappointed when he told me they went to a strip club, and I asked him to tell me generally what happened there (any lap dances or anything out of the ordinary?).  I felt OK about his answers and while I'm sure that things happened there that I would never want to see with my own eyes, in the end it's not that big of a deal.

I really don't trust the friend who planned it but still didn't think to "set limits."  My FI knows what would be crossing a line in my eyes and I trusted him to not go there.  If your FI doesn't, maybe you should have a general talk about that, instead of making rules for that one night.

colky

I have feminist issues with strippers too. So does my fiance. We are so awesome for one another. So, no, no strippers of any variety at either of our parties. We trust each other whole heartedly, but for us it's a respect thing. 

JoannaT35

That would bother me too!  I think your fiance should honor your request.  You're not asking too much fo him.

mgreene404

If your fiance knows that you have a problems with it... he should set the limits himself!  Just make sure he knows that you trust him and that's not the problem, but that it would just make you feel better if he would set his own limits.  Really, he should want to set limits if it's going to make you feel better!

BBrazill

I am completely, 100% behind you. I actually am even more stern than you with this scenario because I do not condone my man going to strip clubs atall. Does it mean I don't trust him? No, not atall. All he'd do is go and stare at naked women who don't respect themselves. The issue is that I'm not comfortable with the scenario atall. Is it because I'm this self-conscious, jealous woman? No. It's because I think it's just a pretty low class thing to do. Does my fiancee feel disgruntled about it? No, because he respects my feelings.  I am astounded by how many women go along with this "boys will be boys" junk. I say right on if the woman is completely cool with it. Good for them but you apparently aren't (and neither am I). I don't think it's because you don't trust him or you have confidence problems. If he is the right man for you, he will respect your feelings and meet you halfway. Shame on everyone who puts all of the pressure on you. If he's not able to meet you halfway, that's not right. Good luck and follow your instincts.

FutureMrsKnapp2010

I completely feel what you are going through. I have the same situation going on. I decided though even though I know my FI was going to be maybe a little upset about me saying something I still voiced my concern. We just casually talked about it and I sort of joked about some of the things I was worried about. I trust him completely and we both set some limits and my dad is going to his Bachelor party so I don't have to be too worried. Maybe you could have your dad go or maybe talk to another guy who is going to be there and make sure that everything doesn't get too crazy. ! Good luck!

christinalr1983

My fiance and I had a similiar situation. My fiance is rather easy going and doesn't really have an interest in getting REALLY wild or going places like strip clubs-- where as his best man works for a major liquor distributor in the world, so you could say he likes to party and is very well connected in that world.

When I first told my fiance what worried me about his bachelor party- his response was similiar to your fiance's- basically that I had no right to set any limits. And frankly- he was right, I don't have a right, but it still bothered me.

So, we talked about it again closer to the bachelor party date and I explained how the idea of things like him having a stripper made me feel and he was very understanding. We agreed on what behaviors and forms of entertainment were alright and what things were hurtful and he stuck to them. I believe he also spoke to his best man before they arrived in Vegas, just to make sure he wasn't forced into a situation that we agreed he would avoid.

For us, this was just one more example of how communication is important and how the way we present things makes a huge difference. This was a great learning moment for us.

Good luck!

way2beAZ

I hate reading other peoples comments and seeing that they are telling you that if you can't trust your man around naked women that you shouldn't get married. I feel very strongly that even the best of men will compromise a bit in an atmosphere like that. To me, I was positive that I didn't want to start my marriage with that being the last night out-

I just told my future husband my concerns and diplomatically told him that I would be very uncomfortable with that being the foreground of our marriage. Although he didn't really agree with all my feelings he respected my wishes and told his BM that his party would have to be PG13 and that WE as a couple had decided that. It took the pressure off of me being the bridezilla but I felt comfortable knowing the plans. 

Hope that helps. It is OKAY for you to voice your concerns. That doesn't make you a bridezilla, that makes you a good wife. 

Domestically Disabled

I agree with some of these reviewers that you can't dictate what goes on at the BP, but you can (and should) feel free to voice your opinion.  And he can (and should) respect it.  It's not a matter of insecurity ladies, to not want your future husband's head in some other woman's breasts.  It is not controlling to tell the love of your life that you are uncomfortable with another woman grinding her crotch on top of his.  I'm no prude, and I'm not sure how I'll feel about this situation when it's time for my fiance's bachelor party, but there's no reason for the men to push for a house party with a private stripper as opposed to going to a strip club if that's just as viable an option.  Some of you sound downright naive about what goes on at these parties.  "You should let him do what he wants for his BP and trust him, otherwise why would you marry him?"  Blah, blah, blah, blah.  What world are you guys living in?  There's a difference between not trusting someone, and not wanting temptation shoved down their throat till they freakin choke on it.  Wake up ladies! 

brittneeD09

I think a Bride has the right to limit what goes on, if you don't trust him marriage shouldn't be on the to do list yet. I trust my fiance to control himself, I just view it as disrespectful. Although he would never do anything, I am still not comfortable with a stranger smothering him with her body. It's all about respect.

bewilderingstar

hey girly

DO NOT let this happen. too many bachelor parties have gone awry and which the men go over board. when booze is involved - all inhibitions are out the window! this whole "last night of freedom" sh*t is what it is - SH*T!! his last night of freedom was the night he met you. so now he needs to respect you. having naked women draped all over him is not respecting you.

have a joint party - drink - have fun - party it up. no need for naked women. you know he would have an issue if there was a hunky naked man feeling you up. its the same thing if its a woman touching him.

believe me - my cousin went too far at his bachelor party - my cousin in law has no idea. we won't tell her but i will always remember what my cousin did.

have a talk wth the best friend and tell him that it isn't happening. thats what i did. and he is totally cool with partying it up with all of my hot girlfriends rather than spending $500 on strippers. so voila! problem solved. good luck.

remind him to respect you. he will if he is intelligent.

nic3496

You are not out of line, espcially since you said you are fine with strip clubs. If they want to do a private show, to me that means they want to do more then just watch, and that is not ok!!!

And really the bottom line is, if something makes you uncomfortable, then he should respect that and not get "ticked."  Is it possible that his reaction was a result of how you brought it up?

My fiance and I have a No Stripper pact. He doesn't want half-naked guys giving me lap dances (not that I want that, either), and I don't want half naked girls giving him lap dances. So that will be the way of it. Neither of us are partyers, so we are doing different types of parties – spa day for me, golf day for him sort of thing.

hd10345

I am sooooooo sick of hearing people say "You have a trust issue" when you get worried about bachelor parties.  First of all listen to what the people are saying.  It's thier Fl's friends they don't trust, not thier FL.   

I know where the OP is coming from.  I trust my fiance 100% but I don't trust his friends.  He act's like a completely different person when he is around them and will do anything to "keep the fun going".  We've had this discussion about it all ready, he doesn't want to go to a strip club, but he knows his friends will and despite it being HIS bachelor's party, he will still go to make his friends happy and not ruin the evening.  When he is drinking with his friends its like he loses his spine.  I know my FI wouldn't knowingly do anything thing to jepordize our relationship but he has drank himself uncousious before during wild friends parites and I had to be his common sense.  I know my FI, he will drink too much and regret it later, but when that happens he's very vunerable (it's not his fault it's the alcohal) and I worry that his friends wont step up to the plate and be responsible for keeping him in line, but they will try to get him to push his limits by either passing out or screwing up.    It's not a trust issue with my FI that I have it's 100% with his friends, and I've told him this.  He doesn't fight me about it, but neither of us know what we can do to stop it from happening and still have the bachelor's party.

we are still working something out.

LindsayAllisonBW

I would never think of imposing rules for the bachelor party - then again, I'm fortunate that my FI not only thinks strippers are gross, but also doesn't drink alcohol.  His bachelor party is going to consist of a bunch of stoned guys jamming on guitar around a campfire! 

If my FI had friends that were real partiers I suppose I'd be a bit more nervous, but hopefully you trust him enough to do the right thing.  If you feel you need to speak up, perhaps instead of trying to set rules, you can have an honest talk with him about the way it makes you feel - being sure not to take an accusatory tone.  Let him know you don't want to begrudge him his fun, and emphasize that you trust him, but be honest about the potential plans for the party make you feel - communicate that to the best of your ability (without getting upset or mad), & likely he'll understand & try to reassure you.  I mean after all, he is marrying YOU! 

emurrell

I completely agree with you.

The matter of "should I allow strippers" shouldn't even be an issue at all!!  I hate strip clubs...guys go there because "that's what guys do," and just end up feeling slightly pathetic by the end of the night.  Or a small percentage truly enjoys it, which is even worse.  Appreciating the naked human body is one thing.  Oogling (and in the process, disrespecting) women who are being paid to shake their butts and boobs in your face is another.

My fiance is completely on board with me.  He thinks it's absurd that guys are "supposed to" want to go to strip clubs at all.  He's planning on having a movie night with the guys, and then meeting me and my girlfriends at a bar...HIS idea.  I can't think of a better way to cut loose and still celebrate and give our impending vows due respect!