boring Friday night...

annagtz82

kelly PM sent

mica178

I didn't have a pager until medical school. 

Did you decide on a HM spot yet, Andy?  

Anna, hello?  Where'd you go?

andy71781

mica - we are going to the british virgin islands!  I'm really excited about it.  We are staying at the Sugar Mill Resort on Tortola.

annagtz82

We've just been arguing about different things lately. We don't live together so we only get to see each other on the weekends, but we haven't necessarily been talking to each other becuase we can't get along. We don't even hold a converstaion anymore. I don't like to argue so I basically just shut down and dont talk to him. Tonight when he dropped me off at my house I leaned in for a kiss to try to end the night somewhat peacefully but he just stared at me. No goodnight or I love you.

annagtz82

Sorry my computer is kinda slow. But I'm here, I'm not going to sleep anytime soon.

mica178

Anna, it's normal for couples to have ups and downs.  H and I don't often fight, but we get into spats when we're stressed out.  How long has this been going on?

mica178

Andy, I am so jealous of you!  I'm only 6 weeks back from my HM and I feel like I need another vacation.

Loopyseven

Anna - that really stinks.  Is there something you can pinpoint that set the routine off?  

annagtz82

It's been off and on our entire relationship. A couple of times I've contemplated calling the wedding off becuase I know it's not normal to fight so often. But he always talks to me and reminds me of why we decided to get married and we make up. But lately, we haven't even tried to mend things. The wedding is in 6 months. and we've been talking about purchasing a house. Today we got along long enough to apply for a home loan. Not too long after that he said something about how my family celebrates Christmas that I didn't like and it just went down hill from there.

kellyjellybelly

Are you guy doing any sort of pre-marital counseling?

Beachy730

Anna, H and I were long distance the whole time during our dating and engagement, and we would only see each other on weekends.  We went through a phase where we would fight constantly, and even when we would only have 2 nights together there were a lot of times that 1 of the nights one of us was on the couch or in the other bedroom.  It was beyond frustrating and upsetting, and I knew something had to change.  I realized I had a lot of stored emotions from the LDR thing, and it would cause me to over react and explode for no reason.  I finally learned that i needed to not over analyze everything H said, and not to take everything as an attack.  A huge thing for me too was that I would always jump right to yelling when I got mad, and I realized what a huge difference it made when I actually just talked, and didn't yell.  It made a huge difference in our "arguments" when we could have a reasonable discussion and state how we felt about the topic.  

annagtz82

He says that my priorities have not been straight. He's been wanting to get this home loan thing rolling and I've been worrying about the wedding and other non important things like parties we've been invited too. He gets iritated very easily so I feel most of the time that I'm walking on egg shells with him. It sucks becuase in my last relationship, it was something very similiar. I was engaged to that guy and called it off becuase I wasn't happy anymore and I knew I'd be unhappy if we got married.

Beachy730

Maybe you need to schedule some time with him to talk wedding.  You said you don't live together, so how often do you see him?  H used to get so sick of talking about the wedding, so I just stopped talking to him about all the little details.  I would say I booked our flowers, do you want to know anything about them?  I asked him what he really wanted to be involved in, and made sure to talk to him about that, but the wedding was nowhere near as involved of a process to him as it was to me.  So I would once in a while make him sit with me for half an hour or an hour and discuss certain things, and he definitely liked that way more.  

But my H was the same way, his focus was on buying a house (when we thought we could) and on our move.  The wedding was just another day.  It's a very stressful time though with all of that going on.  I definitely suggest some time management for certain things, and some type of pre marital counseling.

annagtz82

the only thing our church required us to do before was the Catholic Engaged Encounter. We both really enjoyed that and it taught us alot about how to communicate but I think both of us are just so stubborn. I would LOVE to meet with our priest for some pre-marital counseling and I have brought it up to FI. But he just asks "What for?" I have gone on my own to talk to our priest without FI knowing and discussing our problems and my concerns to him. I just wish FI would go with me so that we can discuss these things together with our priest there to guide us on how to work through these things.

annagtz82

We only see each other on the weekend. Even though we live only 8 house away from each other our schedules are very different. I work M-F 8am-4:30 and he works M-Th 2pm-midnight. So I'm sleeping by the time he gets home. We wern't fighting as much when I had Fridays off as well becuase of the mandated furloughs becuase we got to spend F-Su together, but since that ended and I now work on Fridays and we have been fighting constantly.

Beachy730

Honestly, I think you need to get serious with him then.  Personally, I would be a little hesitant to go into a marriage with someone who was so against counseling that wasn't required, especially with the type of problems you're talking about.  Especially if you are really have concerns about marrying him, I think you need to get serious with the request for him to go with you.

mica178

To me it just sounds like you two are going through a lot of stressful things (planning a wedding, trying to buy a house) that are causing you both to be more short with each other.  The question is are they affecting your underlying relationship?

Counseling might be a good idea (I"m biased.  I"m married to a psychiatrist).  Or at a minimum, could you two go away for a weekend or even just a date night where you promise to not talk about the wedding or the home loan?  Just focus on you?

H and I lived apart until we were married.  That was definitely another stressor -- we had to move in addition to plan the wedding -- plus there was the commuting to see each other on the weekends and not being able to work well at each other's apartment.  

mica178

I'm glad you guys liked EE.  How did your communication skills match up?  What does your priest think about this situation?

Loopyseven

I third the recommendation for more counselling - Are you arguing over how you're going to live your lives together once you are married (follow his Christmas traditions, or your families?)  I kind of feel like one big project at a time is a good rule to follow - Houses, weddings, holidays.  All are good things, but piled on top of each other, and add to that you don't get to see him very much and you end up sniping at each other instead of communicating with each other.  Can something slide?  Maybe you shouldn't be buying a house right now?  Maybe find a place to rent (do either of you have your own places - could you move there for a few months and start house-hunting after the wedding?)  I also agree, make sure you are taking time to talk non-wedding stuff.  Go to dinner, see a movie, talk about work, what your families are up to, the latest episode of House or something.  Just try to spend some time "being" together.  No pressure about houses and weddings and stuff.  

annagtz82

Well, the home loan and the wedding have been the only things we have been talking about lately. He wanted to be involved in all the wedding planning so we kinda do have to talk about it on the weekends becuase that's the only time we have to do anything wedding/home loan related together.

mica178

Initially H wanted to be involved, eventually, I realized that he really only wanted to be involved in certain parts.  So I identified those areas (music, men's attire) where he was in charge, and the parts where he would be nominally consulted (menu, big picture stuff like reception venue and main colors, tasting favors, wedding readings), and the areas where it'd be just me (invitations, BM gifts and dresses, flowers).  And I tried to talk about stuff other than just the wedding, although it was tough, since the wedding really did consume all of my non-work time (and part of my work time)

aMrsin09

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_boring-friday-night?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ff64d3de-465a-4779-a833-9e51bd343dbbPost:002bdfa1-10fb-4000-8e02-064772b215c7">Re: boring Friday night...</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, the home loan and the wedding have been the only things we have been talking about lately. <strong>He wanted to be involved in all the wedding planning so we kinda do have to talk about it on the weekends becuase that's the only time we have to do anything wedding/home loan related together.</strong>
Posted by annagtz82[/QUOTE]

In this situation,  I think emails, voice mails and txt msgs through the week count as talking about it.

H was overseas and we could talk to each other once a week for about 2 hours for 8 months.  We planned the whole wedding via emails. Along with organize and international move and deal with getting my Visa.  If we had waited until those two hours a week, it would have never happened.

Beachy730

What is your living situation right now?  I know you live 8 houses down, but who do you each live with?  Would it be possible to put the home buying stuff off until after the wedding?  It's a lot of stress at once, and it can cause a lot of damage.

annagtz82

We both still live with our parents. The thougth of us living with either of our parents has come up, but it's not one we're both fond of. He's not willing to move into my parent's house because of my dad's rules and his house is way to small to move in my things.

What started the argument today was, he said that he thinks it's dumb to celebrate Christmas Eve and that our kids aren't going to that. My family celebrates Christmas Eve so for him to say that made me upset that he wasn't going to allow our children to visit with my family on Christmas Eve. His family celebrates Christmas day and he's going to make sure that our family ONLY celebrates that day.

aMrsin09

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_boring-friday-night?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ff64d3de-465a-4779-a833-9e51bd343dbbPost:f3e90f1e-c753-4ff2-bff6-2b4a9fda348f">Re: boring Friday night...</a>:
[QUOTE]We both still live with our parents. The thougth of us living with either of our parents has come up, but it's not one we're both fond of. He's not willing to move into my parent's house because of my dad's rules and his house is way to small to move in my things. <strong>What started the argument today was, he said that he thinks it's dumb to celebrate Christmas Eve and that our kids aren't going to that. My family celebrates Christmas Eve so for him to say that made me upset that he wasn't going to allow our children to visit with my family on Christmas Eve. His family celebrates Christmas day and he's going to make sure that our family ONLY celebrates that day.</strong>
Posted by annagtz82[/QUOTE]

See, my reaction to that comment would have been to say nothing, walk into the house and hand him a box of band-aids with the words "in case your knuckles get too bloody from dragging on the ground all the damn time".
But that's just me...

My family celebrated X-mas eve with my mom's side and X-mas day with my Dad's side.  We all turned out OK.
So, either he is a neanderthal, OR, there is something he doesn't like when he is at your family's for X-mas eve.  You should find out which (and or what) the REAL problem is.

Beachy730

Well that is just ridiculously selfish.  Have you explained to him the beauty of your families celebrating on different days so you aren't rushing between the two on the same day?  I would love for that to be my situation.  

annagtz82

My dad has offered to let us rent out our other 3 bed 2 bath home for a discounted price and I'm all for that. I would actually love that. But FI doesn't like that idea of mixing family with business and he doesn't like the area the house is in. My family lived there before moving to this house and the neighborhood is not as bad as he thinks it is.

mica178

One of the best things I instituted while we were engaged was Friday night dinner.  I planned dinner out for us every Friday.  No matter how tired we were, we'd go out and try to have fun.  And quickly, we didn't have to try, we'd just be having fun.  No wedding talk.  No work talk.  Just fun.  A little wine, a little fancy food, and it was all good.

I miss those Friday dinners, but now that we're married, H likes hanging out at home way too much.  I guess it gives me more time to knot!  (He's OOT right now, I haven't actually been ignoring him all night.)

Beachy730

Why don't you offer to move into his parents then after the wedding?  You really wouldn't need to move all your stuff from your parents house until you buy a house.  But honestly, your FI is sounding like a selfish douche in all this.  At this point I would probably be making threats and demands, but that's just me.

Beachy730

Hahah mica welcome to my world!  I seriously think if people assume I don't have any contact with my H if they don't know my situation and just know that I'm constantly on here.