boring Friday night...

annagtz82

He's never actually celebrated Xmas Eve with us becuase in the past years X-mas Eve has fallen on one of his regular work days. He's an EMT so he doesn't get holidays off unless it falls on one of his days off.

mica178

See, when I first read about your families' traditions, I thought: that's perfect!  They can spend a day with each family without losing either tradition.  Why limit the celebration to one day?  That's just silly.

H sometimes gets into these rigid ideas.  We'll argue for a bit, then separate to cool off.  Then I'll work on my defense of my position, and when I present it to H, he usually chills out and sees my side.  Unless I realize that I'm the one in the wrong, then I go and apologize.

aMrsin09

I do agree with him about mixing family and money.

H borrowed the down payment on on this house from his sister (long story, not as bad as it sounds).  I told him I flat out refused to move in here until that debt was paid.  I wasn't taking any chances on any passive aggressive "but I technically own 30% of it so I'm coming in and staying with you on XX date" bull sh!t.

aMrsin09

Is he or has he always been this controlling (for lack of a better word)?

So far he:
Doesn't like your priorities (and yes a wedding in 6 months should be near the top of your list)
Doesn't like your family holiday traditions, even though he's never been to them.
Doesn't want to go to counseling because HE doesn't feel it's necessary
Doesn't want to take your dad up on a very generous offer (even though I agree with his position)

Loopyseven

H's family has always done Christmas Eve, my family has always done Christmas day.  It's worked out quite well so far for us to spend Christmas Eve with H's family, and Christmas Day with mine, since those are the important parts of each family's celebration.  Then we get to see both families, without a lot of running around all in one day.   To refuse to even consider new traditions is a little small-minded.  

As for renting from your father - I don't see a problem with it, as long as you set a time limit (6 months, 1 year) sign a contract, and you are sure you won't have any issues paying your rent. How is he afraid this will end badly?  The worst case I see here is if you are unable to pay your rent one month.  As long as you pay your rent, and the landlord maintains the property correctly how will that jeopardize anything?

annagtz82

I would love to go out for dinner but he HATES going out to eat. He'd rather stay in and eat home made meals. My parents go out every Friday night to dinner and they always invite us to go with them but FI usually always declines. Then I'm stuck in the middle becuase it's been a family tradition to go out on Friday nights but FI doesn't like going so sometimes I end up staying home with him. And if I do end up going with my parents I feel guilty.

annagtz82

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_boring-friday-night?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ff64d3de-465a-4779-a833-9e51bd343dbbPost:3d510c3d-c145-4a9d-a531-81fadc3632ee">Re: boring Friday night...</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>See, when I first read about your families' traditions, I thought: that's perfect!  They can spend a day with each family without losing either tradition.  Why limit the celebration to one day?  That's just silly</strong>. H sometimes gets into these rigid ideas.  We'll argue for a bit, then separate to cool off.  Then I'll work on my defense of my position, and when I present it to H, he usually chills out and sees my side.  Unless I realize that I'm the one in the wrong, then I go and apologize.
Posted by mica178[/QUOTE]

My thoughts exactly. It would work out perfectly. One day with my family and the next with his. But I don't know why he has such a huge problem with it

aMrsin09

Is there anything your family does that he doesn't have an objection too?

Has he ever participated in any of these family gatherings?  If not, how long have you two been together?

mica178

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_boring-friday-night?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ff64d3de-465a-4779-a833-9e51bd343dbbPost:05a92fdf-d39c-4324-a551-48b4661cb2f0">Re: boring Friday night...</a>:
[QUOTE]Hahah mica welcome to my world!  I seriously think if people assume I don't have any contact with my H if they don't know my situation and just know that I'm constantly on here.
Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]

<div>Yeah, H is away for work at least one night per week, and this weekend, he's off doing a boys' fishing weekend.  So I'm on TK a lot at night.  Selfishly, I'm glad that you're usually here too!</div>

Beachy730

And let me guess, you cook these meals, not him?  He sounds extremely controlling.  

annagtz82

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_boring-friday-night?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ff64d3de-465a-4779-a833-9e51bd343dbbPost:8fda9531-c157-4ba2-89b3-a680c56d1e67">Re: boring Friday night...</a>:
[QUOTE]Is he or has he always been this controlling (for lack of a better word)? So far he: Doesn't like your priorities (and yes a wedding in 6 months should be near the top of your list) Doesn't like your family holiday traditions, even though he's never been to them. Doesn't want to go to counseling because HE doesn't feel it's necessary Doesn't want to take your dad up on a very generous offer (even though I agree with his position)
Posted by aMrsin09[/QUOTE]

I've noticed it more and more. He wasn't like this before and I don't know why now he's acting like this. The reason why I fell in love with him is becuase he wasn't at all controlling. He let me be me and didn't criticize or judge me or my family. I've noticed it more when he's irritated with something or is stressed and feels like he's got the weight of the world on his shoulders.

Loopyseven

I agree with DNB - he sounds very controlling.  I hear a lot of "he doesn't like to do this, and he doesn't like to do that" so you don't do it either.  I don't see a lot of what YOU want in your relationship.  What are YOU getting out of your relationship with him?  It needs to fulfill and enrich your life to be with him, and I know you're a little biased right now b/c you've been arguing, but it doesn't sound like the relationship is as much about you as it is about him.

mica178

Anna, I know that when we're angry, we only see the bad, so right now you're painting a rather horrible picture of your FI.

Tell us some nice stuff, like why you love him and how you know that he'll make you happy (as opposed to your ex-FI who you realized wouldn't make you happy).

Loopyseven

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_boring-friday-night?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ff64d3de-465a-4779-a833-9e51bd343dbbPost:ac6c9d2a-23bc-4edd-ae1e-cbbc088e9f75">Re: boring Friday night...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: boring Friday night... : I've noticed it more and more. He wasn't like this before and I don't know why now he's acting like this. The reason why I fell in love with him is becuase he wasn't at all controlling. He let me be me and didn't criticize or judge me or my family. <strong>I've noticed it more when he's irritated with something or is stressed and feels like he's got the weight of the world on his shoulders.</strong>
Posted by annagtz82[/QUOTE]

<div>This is where the counselling and communication comes in.  He needs to work on not taking this frustration out on you, and maybe part of that is getting to the root of why he is really stressed.</div>

aMrsin09

YES!  Feed us some puppies and rainbows.

Although I understand when you're this upset, it's hard to find anything more than "well he puts the toilet seat down) ;-)

mica178

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_boring-friday-night?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ff64d3de-465a-4779-a833-9e51bd343dbbPost:f9c86c51-8c16-4418-997c-afc9f5cd5e59">Re: boring Friday night...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: boring Friday night... : This is where the counselling and communication comes in.  He needs to work on not taking this frustration out on you, and maybe part of that is getting to the root of why he is really stressed.
Posted by Loopyseven[/QUOTE]

<div>Yes.  This.</div>

annagtz82

The good things I love about him are: he surprises me with little things. There is a cookie bakery quite a ways from where we live so whenever he's in the area (dropping off a patient at the nearby hospital) he'll stop and bring home some cookies for me.  He bakes me b-days cakes. Not even my mom baked me b-day cakes. He's always encouraging me with school. He encourages me to not give on trying new things, like to cook. Even if I don't think I did a great job he's always there to pick me up and tell me I did a good job.  He makes me laugh with his silly antics at times. With him I feel so safe and protected like he's my own personal body guard. I'm sure there's more but I can't think right now

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_boring-friday-night?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ff64d3de-465a-4779-a833-9e51bd343dbbPost:b6767f91-e5c9-4e13-a70c-0676eba7b360">Re: boring Friday night...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: boring Friday night... : Yeah, H is away for work at least one night per week, and this weekend, he's off doing a boys' fishing weekend.  So I'm on TK a lot at night.  Selfishly, I'm glad that you're usually here too!
Posted by mica178[/QUOTE]

<div>Aww, thanks Mica.  I like having you around for our nightly threads more too!</div>

mica178

Okay, that's a good list.

I'd arrange for some form of date night where you don't talk about loans or the wedding.  It doesn't have to be dinner if he doesn't like eating out.  Just arrange for time for you two to reconnect and remember why you fell in love in the first place.

Oh, and doesn't your church require a certain number of meetings with the priest?  That could be a segway into some pre-marital counseling.  A lot of people reject the idea of counseling, but most find that it's not the scary thing portrayed in movies.  It's nice to have a third (uninvolved) party mediating.

I hate to post and run, but I had a rough day, and I'm getting pocita sleepy.  Anna, feel free to PM me if you want to talk more.  Stay strong!

mica178

Thanks dnb!  Good night!

Beachy730

Goodnight!

aMrsin09

I would try using email more when discussing the wedding.  It was as simple as me sending H pictures of the flowers (or insert whatever) I was thinking about and asking "do you love any of them or do you hate any of them.  I need a response by XX date" 

I did the same for invites, music, tuxes and restaurants for our reception.

He wasn't pressured to discuss it when he had something else on his mind.  And when he hated ALL the invites I sent him I gladly linked the site with 200 pages of choices and told him to have fun and let me know which ones he liked.  We got on the same page real fast. '-)

annagtz82

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_boring-friday-night?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ff64d3de-465a-4779-a833-9e51bd343dbbPost:55d1c84b-7d7d-4e8a-a176-851095492bf3">Re: boring Friday night...</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay, that's a good list. I'd arrange for some form of date night where you don't talk about loans or the wedding.  It doesn't have to be dinner if he doesn't like eating out.  Just arrange for time for you two to reconnect and remember why you fell in love in the first place. <strong>Oh, and doesn't your church require a certain number of meetings with the priest?</strong> That could be a segway into some pre-marital counseling.  A lot of people reject the idea of counseling, but most find that it's not the scary thing portrayed in movies.  It's nice to have a third (uninvolved) party mediating. I hate to post and run, but I had a rough day, and I'm getting pocita sleepy.  Anna, feel free to PM me if you want to talk more.  Stay strong!
Posted by mica178[/QUOTE]

Our church didn't require us to to meet with the priest for pre-marital counseling. Only to attend the Catholic Engagement Encounter. I would  actually love to meet with the priest for counseling.

Beachy730

Haha I love your methods aMrs!  

I would pretty much narrow my choices down to 2 or 3, and ask H what he thought of them.  But I also asked before hand what he most wanted to be involved in.  He cared most about the food, bar, photo booth, and tuxes.  So came with me to our vendors and we picked our food menu together and our bar package.  As for flowers, he told me he couldn't care less so I didn't even bother.  Him knowing they were pink was more than enough.  

I would definitely narrow down your choices, and ask him his opinions on the select few.  If he doesn't like any, tell him he can research for more and let you know what he finds.  I'm guessing he'll be like H and aMrs' H and say forget it.  

annagtz82

That's a pretty good idea. The only vendor we need to book is the florist. And he already went with me to try to get a good deal so all I really have to do is put up the deposit. I think my best bet right now is to not talk about the wedding for a while like you all suggested. Many of the things left to do, I can do on my own or don't need immediate attention. Thank you all for talking with me. I didn't want to vent to my sister becuase I don't want to give her any reason to have bad thoughts about FI. Heaven knows she's been there for many of my vents and has seen my many tears.

aMrsin09

I don't think H said forget it out of laziness, I think he truly diidn't realize how much work it was and that I had already weeded out the crap and sent him the cream of the crop.

Suprisingly enough, he was super involved in which "swirly" we used on the invite.  The one he finally picked is one that I loved but I figured he though would be too girly.

I'll see if I can find a file with our names scratched out.

aMrsin09

Here we are...H's major contribution to wedding decisions!

annagtz82

Those are very nice.

annagtz82

My eyes are starting to tear up becuase I'm getting tired. I'll probably keep watching The Dog Whisperer until I fall asleep. Watching dogs makes me happy. ) Thanks again to all you for the advice. I don't know when my FI and I will talk again becuase he sent me a text not too long ago saying that he thinks we shouldn't see each other for the remainder of the weekend. We'll see how things go. So I'll probably be on here tomorrow night as well. Good night ladies.