Legally married, now having a "real" wedding? Stop here first! (AKA, the PPD FAQ thread)

syoun1nj

When did not seeing something as what it is become legit? 

"Well officer, YES I took that car that didn't belong to me, but I don't SEE IT as stealing, therefore I'll just be in my way! Ta!"

"Well, husband, YES I had sex with all those other people, but I didn't SEE IT as cheating, therefore I am totally monogamous!"

"Well, family, YES I am actually and legally married and reaping the benefits of it while pretending I'm not married, but I don't SEE this as lying, so let's enjoy this performance art you paid thousands to attend in Mexico! Hooray!"

kjm716

Clearly, you've never served in the Military or know the sacrifices those we have to make for our loved ones. I completely disagree with you, and think I do have every right to have my big day with my "big white dress" regardless of being legally married for military reasons.  I don't think of it as "reenacting" my wedding day, but rather continuing it. And it won't be less meaningful than a "first time" wedding. I understand your opinion, but thats all it is. It not your place to put down and discourage anyone else who may be having a "pretty princess day".

bethangel2332

Here we go again!! Here is popcorn for everyone!!

perdonami

STBMrsEverhart said:

perdonami said:

Okay, its not about what "rights" you have or what privileges you have been afforded. Its about treating your friends and family with respect by being honest with them. Of course you have the "right" to lie, but why?

 Tell your guests what you want but your married whether you feel you are or not. 

Meh, semantics. We'll be married once we exchange vows and rings. Until then it's a strange state of being that many wouldn't understand and that's totally okay. Many we know have done it, and it's alright in our book! 

No, its just not semantics, its life. You can keep defining it as something different in your mind so you can feel better about yourself and your subsequent wedding celebration. But, after everything is said and done in reality, it still is just exactly as it appears.. a second wedding for the same marriage. Call it a pretty princess day, a vow renewal, or a post wedding reenactment celebration.. but you are still lying to those close to you and they will/may feel bad about your lie.  

crunchymamaof2

katmartin2 said:

Clearly, you've never served in the Military or know the sacrifices those we have to make for our loved ones. I completely disagree with you, and think I do have every right to have my big day with my "big white dress" regardless of being legally married for military reasons.  I don't think of it as "reenacting" my wedding day, but rather continuing it. And it won't be less meaningful than a "first time" wedding. I understand your opinion, but thats all it is. It not your place to put down and discourage anyone else who may be having a "pretty princess day".

Actually, several of the posters in this thread HAVE been in the military or affected by it. And yet they didn't have a fake re-do. If you insist in having "your day" then just tell everyone you're inviting that you're already married. That's the biggest issue here. Just.dont.lie.

artbyallie

katmartin2 said:

Clearly, you've never served in the Military or know the sacrifices those we have to make for our loved ones. I completely disagree with you, and think I do have every right to have my big day with my "big white dress" regardless of being legally married for military reasons.  I don't think of it as "reenacting" my wedding day, but rather continuing it. And it won't be less meaningful than a "first time" wedding. I understand your opinion, but thats all it is. It not your place to put down and discourage anyone else who may be having a "pretty princess day".

Um, no. We have had many military brides on this board who share our feelings on this matter. By the way, you're committing fraud.

lyndausvi

katmartin2 said:

Clearly, you've never served in the Military or know the sacrifices those we have to make for our loved ones. I completely disagree with you, and think I do have every right to have my big day with my "big white dress" regardless of being legally married for military reasons.  I don't think of it as "reenacting" my wedding day, but rather continuing it. And it won't be less meaningful than a "first time" wedding. I understand your opinion, but thats all it is. It not your place to put down and discourage anyone else who may be having a "pretty princess day".

My uncle went to WP.  He severed 4 tours of duty in Vietnam as a combat helicopter polit.   Most of his friends never came back.   His got married to his wife in a beautiful church ceremony a few months after they got engaged.  

George and Barbara Bush got married when he was on leave during WWII.   Actually many, many WWII brides and groom had "real" weddings in short amount of time due to deployments.   

Your situation is FAR from unique.  Countless military couples have had quick weddings since the start of time.  True story.  None of those WWI, WWII, etc brides LIED to their family and friends.  Being married was more important than the PPD.

It's only the more recent completely self-aborsed, entitled generations who think they deserved PPD.   Military brides of the past were much classier to think they deserved what we now think of as a PPD.  Nope they knew the true meaning of being married and it didn't included a big puffy dress.

pinkshorts27

lyndausvi said:

katmartin2 said:

Clearly, you've never served in the Military or know the sacrifices those we have to make for our loved ones. I completely disagree with you, and think I do have every right to have my big day with my "big white dress" regardless of being legally married for military reasons.  I don't think of it as "reenacting" my wedding day, but rather continuing it. And it won't be less meaningful than a "first time" wedding. I understand your opinion, but thats all it is. It not your place to put down and discourage anyone else who may be having a "pretty princess day".

My uncle went to WP.  He severed 4 tours of duty in Vietnam as a combat helicopter polit.   Most of his friends never came back.   His got married to his wife in a beautiful church ceremony a few months after they got engaged.  

George and Barbara Bush got married when he was on leave during WWII.   Actually many, many WWII brides and groom had "real" weddings in short amount of time due to deployments.   

Your situation is FAR from unique.  Countless military couples have had quick weddings since the start of time.  True story.  None of those WWI, WWII, etc brides LIED to their family and friends.  Being married was more important than the PPD.

It's only the more recent completely self-aborsed, entitled generations who think they deserved PPD.   Military brides of the past were much classier to think they deserved what we now think of as a PPD.  Nope they knew the true meaning of being married and it didn't included a big puffy dress.

I think I've shared my great-grandpa's wedding story before. He woke my g-grandma up and they went to the JOP who married them while still in his PJ's. He then dropped her off back at her parents (who were thrilled when they found out, it turns out-I asked my g-grandpa last time I visited). He got the house ready for her and brought her home two weeks later. Not long afterwards he left for war, not knowing if he would ever come back and leaving he young-pregnant wife at home. They never had a big wedding. Heck, none of their family saw them get married or knew they chose to get married. They were both young and still knew better. (These are my mom's grandparents)

My father's parents had a small church wedding with a cake and punch reception. My grandma couldn't afford a dress and had to borrow her twin sister's dress (worn previously that year). My grandpa was in the military too, though he was training to be a pilot.

I have two uncles that went to 'Nam. One planned the whole white-dress party. The other just had a hastily planned cake-and-punch. Neither would dream of a PPD. 

I have 5 cousins in the military right now. Two married right before they deployed. None had a PPD, even though they were hastily planned. Two of these cousins were brides.  

My FI's dad was a medic in Nam. He was married when he got drafted. Had been engaged for a year and finally just got married. She wore a white dress and they invited everyone they could, but most of their family couldn't attend. No PPD.

Don't act like none of us know how military brides feel. I might not have been there, done that, but I sure as hell have family that have. And I support each and every one of them. None of them felt the need to have a PPD. 

Jells2dot0

katmartin2 said:

Clearly, you've never served in the Military or know the sacrifices those we have to make for our loved ones. I completely disagree with you, and think I do have every right to have my big day with my "big white dress" regardless of being legally married for military reasons.  I don't think of it as "reenacting" my wedding day, but rather continuing it. And it won't be less meaningful than a "first time" wedding. I understand your opinion, but thats all it is. It not your place to put down and discourage anyone else who may be having a "pretty princess day".

I work with vets and active duty soldiers every day. I sit next to them, spend time outside of work with them, and watch them prepare for deployments. I am deeply grateful for all that they do, or did, for us. However, these "military" reasons you list aren't because your FI is risking his/her life or because they are unexpectedly being deployed in 2 weeks. It has nothing to do with what a soldier does for this country AT ALL. It's because the military offers greater benefits, like health insurance, off base housing, and extra housing allowances, to those who are married. If the benefits are a must have for you in order for your relationship to thrive, then do what you need to do to get married. When able, after a deployment or relocation, throw an awesome party with family and friends to celebrate your marriage. Have dancing, alcohol, cake, and even grab the mic and share with everyone who you feel about your spouse. I have no doubt that everyone will understand why you had to marry and will gladly celebrate with you. 

kjm716

I actually clicked on this board looking for advice as I plan my wedding day. Never did I think I would come across so many closed minded and judgmental people. Its no ones place to tell anyone that they are wrong for wanting to have a wedding day with all family present. Our family was extremely supportive in our pre-wedding day marriage, and encouraged us to do so. I don't have to defend myself. But maybe some of you should be a little less judgmental, because truth is you don't know peoples reasons for going forward with a PPD. 

And I'm well aware my situation is not unique. I have plenty of friends, as well as superior officers, who have done the same thing I am doing. I chose to serve my country, not my fiancé or husband or whatever it is you people say I have to call him. It doesn't matter what your great-grandfather did in 1942, just be supportive of all. 

HisGirlFriday13

katmartin2 said:

I actually clicked on this board looking for advice as I plan my wedding day. Never did I think I would come across so many closed minded and judgmental people. Its no ones place to tell anyone that they are wrong for wanting to have a wedding day with all family present. Our family was extremely supportive in our pre-wedding day marriage, and encouraged us to do so. I don't have to defend myself. But maybe some of you should be a little less judgmental, because truth is you don't know peoples reasons for going forward with a PPD. 

And I'm well aware my situation is not unique. I have plenty of friends, as well as superior officers, who have done the same thing I am doing. I chose to serve my country, not my fiancé or husband or whatever it is you people say I have to call him. It doesn't matter what your great-grandfather did in 1942, just be supportive of all. 

We will never support lying and fraud. Sorry.

pinkshorts27

katmartin2 said:

I actually clicked on this board looking for advice as I plan my wedding day. Never did I think I would come across so many closed minded and judgmental people. Its no ones place to tell anyone that they are wrong for wanting to have a wedding day with all family present. Our family was extremely supportive in our pre-wedding day marriage, and encouraged us to do so. I don't have to defend myself. But maybe some of you should be a little less judgmental, because truth is you don't know peoples reasons for going forward with a PPD. 

And I'm well aware my situation is not unique. I have plenty of friends, as well as superior officers, who have done the same thing I am doing. I chose to serve my country, not my fiancé or husband or whatever it is you people say I have to call him. It doesn't matter what your great-grandfather did in 1942, just be supportive of all. 

Except we don't have to be supportive of bad decisions or rude behavior on the etiquette board. In fact, when discussing etiquette we shouldn't encourage rude behavior. Whether you think your family is supportive or not isn't relevant to how rude something is.  

My parents may not find it rude that I don't send them thank-you notes, but I still will send them because I am extremely thankful and it is rude not to. And no one on this board would ever encourage me not to send them, even if my family is understanding, because we are discussing etiquette.

The reason I brought up my family is because you were acting all "holier-than-thou" like you had some monopoly on sacrifices for this country. My family has sacrificed a lot for this country and my military relatives would be shocked that anyone thought giving up a white dress and a big party was a serious sacrifice. They have sacrificed time with love ones, watching their children grow up, and lost friends, limbs, and body functions (hearing/sight/etc). None of them would use these as an excuse to lie to their friends and family or throw a fake production. All of them have used this as an excuse to value their time with family and friends and to spend what little time we have on this earth respecting them.  

chibiyui

katmartin2 said:

I actually clicked on this board looking for advice as I plan my wedding day. Never did I think I would come across so many closed minded and judgmental people. Its no ones place to tell anyone that they are wrong for wanting to have a wedding day with all family present. Our family was extremely supportive in our pre-wedding day marriage, and encouraged us to do so. I don't have to defend myself. But maybe some of you should be a little less judgmental, because truth is you don't know peoples reasons for going forward with a PPD. 

And I'm well aware my situation is not unique. I have plenty of friends, as well as superior officers, who have done the same thing I am doing. I chose to serve my country, not my fiancé or husband or whatever it is you people say I have to call him. It doesn't matter what your great-grandfather did in 1942, just be supportive of all. 

Oh for Pete's sake.

Throw your big blow out "wedding" just be honest that you're already legally married. It's not that hard people.


By the way, my one set of grandparents chose not to attend my wedding because there were too many people and two hours was too far to travel for them. I was honestly surprised they declined. Sometimes life doesn't go as planned.

kmmssg

katmartin2 said:

Clearly, you've never served in the Military or know the sacrifices those we have to make for our loved ones. I completely disagree with you, and think I do have every right to have my big day with my "big white dress" regardless of being legally married for military reasons.  I don't think of it as "reenacting" my wedding day, but rather continuing it. And it won't be less meaningful than a "first time" wedding. I understand your opinion, but thats all it is. It not your place to put down and discourage anyone else who may be having a "pretty princess day".

Oh, this did not set well with me at all.  At all.

Now, I have mentioned before on this board that I have attended 4 "PPDs" that were military related.  They all occurred during the early years of our current war when units were notified that in a matter of weeks they were deploying.  They had venues, contracts, etc and were not going to be there for the contracted wedding date.  The vendors, for the most part, let them all reschedule.  In each of those circumstances we ALL knew they had already been married and they were very honest with everyone.  We celebrated with our buddies on their safe return and were so happy to have them back.

For quite some time now, units have gotten a years notice for deployment.  (and let's face it, there aren't many units heading of to Afghanistan anymore) Not EVERY single time, but the overwhelming majority of the time, you know a year out so you can train for it.  Plenty of time to squeeze in a wedding.  Maybe not what you always dreamed of, but those are choices grown ups have to make at times.

Most military PPDs aren't because there is a surprise deployment anymore.  It is because someone wants the benefits now and the pretend party later.  I won't banish anyone to another universe for that if they are honest with everyone beforehand, but I think it is completely unnecessary.

I am especially offended at your comment in the bold above.  How dare you, today of all days, play the "sacrifice we have to make for your loved ones card."  Your pretend wedding has nothing to do with sacrifices.  Nothing.  You took your oath to serve this nation, not to use it to gain sympathy for being a special snowflake.  I DO appreciate your service and I DO understand the sacrifice that comes with it when it comes to family, as I missed so many events with mine.  Do NOT, today of all days, try to put sacrifice and why you deserve a wedding in the same sentence.

My thoughts today are with the family I had to notify in October 2010 - their 20 year old son was killed by an IED that day.  His mother saw me walking up the driveway with the Chaplain and fell to her knees screaming.  She knew why we were there.  THAT is sacrifice my dear, not a pretend wedding.

Signed, 

Sergeant First Class (retired) 4 time mother of the bride, 26 years of active federal service.

kjm716

kmmssg said:

katmartin2 said:

Clearly, you've never served in the Military or know the sacrifices those we have to make for our loved ones. I completely disagree with you, and think I do have every right to have my big day with my "big white dress" regardless of being legally married for military reasons.  I don't think of it as "reenacting" my wedding day, but rather continuing it. And it won't be less meaningful than a "first time" wedding. I understand your opinion, but thats all it is. It not your place to put down and discourage anyone else who may be having a "pretty princess day".

Oh, this did not set well with me at all.  At all.

Now, I have mentioned before on this board that I have attended 4 "PPDs" that were military related.  They all occurred during the early years of our current war when units were notified that in a matter of weeks they were deploying.  They had venues, contracts, etc and were not going to be there for the contracted wedding date.  The vendors, for the most part, let them all reschedule.  In each of those circumstances we ALL knew they had already been married and they were very honest with everyone.  We celebrated with our buddies on their safe return and were so happy to have them back.

For quite some time now, units have gotten a years notice for deployment.  (and let's face it, there aren't many units heading of to Afghanistan anymore) Not EVERY single time, but the overwhelming majority of the time, you know a year out so you can train for it.  Plenty of time to squeeze in a wedding.  Maybe not what you always dreamed of, but those are choices grown ups have to make at times.

Most military PPDs aren't because there is a surprise deployment anymore.  It is because someone wants the benefits now and the pretend party later.  I won't banish anyone to another universe for that if they are honest with everyone beforehand, but I think it is completely unnecessary.

I am especially offended at your comment in the bold above.  How dare you, today of all days, play the "sacrifice we have to make for your loved ones card."  Your pretend wedding has nothing to do with sacrifices.  Nothing.  You took your oath to serve this nation, not to use it to gain sympathy for being a special snowflake.  I DO appreciate your service and I DO understand the sacrifice that comes with it when it comes to family, as I missed so many events with mine.  Do NOT, today of all days, try to put sacrifice and why you deserve a wedding in the same sentence.

My thoughts today are with the family I had to notify in October 2010 - their 20 year old son was killed by an IED that day.  His mother saw me walking up the driveway with the Chaplain and fell to her knees screaming.  She knew why we were there.  THAT is sacrifice my dear, not a pretend wedding.

Signed, 

Sergeant First Class (retired) 4 time mother of the bride, 26 years of active federal service.

Well, that was taken out of proportion. My apologizes but you misunderstood. A wedding is not a sacrifice, that was never my intention. I'm well aware of the sacrifices we take, and the situation you described is every day for me. I have the honor of caring for our nations wounded. The military is just one of many reasons people may get legally married ahead of having a wedding day.

My point was just to ask people to ease up. Someone else's PPD does not change anything in your life. If thats what they want to do, than so be it. You don't know the reasons why someone chose to go that route. Not everyone will agree, thats understandable. But lets not be hurtful. We all have our reasons regardless of your assumptions. 

We have always been honest about our situation. I understand some people are not, but once again who are we to judge? Moving on..

kmmssg

You changed your screenname?

ohannabelle

katmartin2 said: Clearly, you've never served in the Military or know the sacrifices those we have to make for our loved ones. I completely disagree with you, and think I do have every right to have my big day with my "big white dress" regardless of being legally married for military reasons. I don't think of it as "reenacting" my wedding day, but rather continuing it.

Clearly, you didn't think this statement through before you posted it.

My daughter's fiancé, last year, finished his third tour in Afghanistan. So don't presume to lecture people on what they do or don't understand. Yes, sacrifices are made. They don't involve weddings. Yes, it's difficult and frightening. 

Guess what? Having volunteered to make that sacrifice does not absolve anyone from reasonable adult standards of honesty, or elevate them to a special level of manners, where other people's expectations of truth can be thrown out to please yourself.

A big white dress is not a "right." It is a choice. There's a difference. Adults make choices, and they own them.

By the age of four, most people understand the difference between speaking truth and speaking lies.

By about the age of ten, most people understand the concept of lying on a deeper level. 

That to "act out" a lie is no different than speaking it. To pretend that something is what it is not, and to allow others to be deceived by actions, is, indeed, lying. Ten year olds also understand that lying by omission is lying. (That's the "I never lied I just didn't tell you everything" lie.) Both are lies.

This is one of the reasons that PPDs really irritate people. Because it is acting out a lie, and requiring of  those guests who do know, that they pretend along with you.  Adults who possess serious feelings about truth and integrity aren't comfortable with that. You're either deceiving your guests, or asking them to practice false behavior along with you. And yes, being asked to practice false behavior does change my life. It makes me a less honest person, if I do it. 

Even if the couple involved has limited ethical development, and don't care, or don't "believe" themselves to be lying, most people (family, friends, the community in general) would be bothered by the falseness, the dishonesty. Most people don't have that disconnect from the truth. 

Bullshit on playing the military card. Just plain bullshit. You wanted the benefits extended to married couples, you didn't want to wait, and now you want your big white dress day, and you want people to play make pretend with you. Be honest, have a big anniversary party, wear a glamorous gown and own your choices, without playing bride. 

chibiyui

kmmssg said:

katmartin2 said:

Clearly, you've never served in the Military or know the sacrifices those we have to make for our loved ones. I completely disagree with you, and think I do have every right to have my big day with my "big white dress" regardless of being legally married for military reasons.  I don't think of it as "reenacting" my wedding day, but rather continuing it. And it won't be less meaningful than a "first time" wedding. I understand your opinion, but thats all it is. It not your place to put down and discourage anyone else who may be having a "pretty princess day".

Oh, this did not set well with me at all.  At all.

Now, I have mentioned before on this board that I have attended 4 "PPDs" that were military related.  They all occurred during the early years of our current war when units were notified that in a matter of weeks they were deploying.  They had venues, contracts, etc and were not going to be there for the contracted wedding date.  The vendors, for the most part, let them all reschedule.  In each of those circumstances we ALL knew they had already been married and they were very honest with everyone.  We celebrated with our buddies on their safe return and were so happy to have them back.

For quite some time now, units have gotten a years notice for deployment.  (and let's face it, there aren't many units heading of to Afghanistan anymore) Not EVERY single time, but the overwhelming majority of the time, you know a year out so you can train for it.  Plenty of time to squeeze in a wedding.  Maybe not what you always dreamed of, but those are choices grown ups have to make at times.

Most military PPDs aren't because there is a surprise deployment anymore.  It is because someone wants the benefits now and the pretend party later.  I won't banish anyone to another universe for that if they are honest with everyone beforehand, but I think it is completely unnecessary.

I am especially offended at your comment in the bold above.  How dare you, today of all days, play the "sacrifice we have to make for your loved ones card."  Your pretend wedding has nothing to do with sacrifices.  Nothing.  You took your oath to serve this nation, not to use it to gain sympathy for being a special snowflake.  I DO appreciate your service and I DO understand the sacrifice that comes with it when it comes to family, as I missed so many events with mine.  Do NOT, today of all days, try to put sacrifice and why you deserve a wedding in the same sentence.

My thoughts today are with the family I had to notify in October 2010 - their 20 year old son was killed by an IED that day.  His mother saw me walking up the driveway with the Chaplain and fell to her knees screaming.  She knew why we were there.  THAT is sacrifice my dear, not a pretend wedding.

Signed, 

Sergeant First Class (retired) 4 time mother of the bride, 26 years of active federal service.

Well, that was taken out of proportion. My apologizes but you misunderstood. A wedding is not a sacrifice, that was never my intention. I'm well aware of the sacrifices we take, and the situation you described is every day for me. I have the honor of caring for our nations wounded. The military is just one of many reasons people may get legally married ahead of having a wedding day.

My point was just to ask people to ease up. Someone else's PPD does not change anything in your life. If thats what they want to do, than so be it. You don't know the reasons why someone chose to go that route. Not everyone will agree, thats understandable. But lets not be hurtful. We all have our reasons regardless of your assumptions. 

We have always been honest about our situation. I understand some people are not, but once again who are we to judge? Moving on..

If you want to lie about your wedding, there better a big, fucking fantastic reason. Like, one partner one drunken night before starting the relationship had a poker game with the devil, Cthulhu, Stalin, and a giant cock, and lost. And they couldn't pay the debt, so they promised their wedding night to everyone at the table. The next morning they had a terrible hangover and remembered nothing. Continued on with their life until they meet their eventual FI, feel in love did the whole song and dance, got engaged. And then received a letter from The devil, Stalin and a giant cock reminding them of the debt they owed. Cthulhu sent tentacle porn. Realizing the grave danger they were in, came clean with their FI who happened to know Jason Statham. FI calls Jason Statham up and he's all "I got this."

 And then Jason Statham hears a Giant Cock is involved. And then he's like "I know a guy" 

 This continues with various authority figures, celebrities, the mafia, world leaders, faux celebrities, fictional characters, and even the pope. Until finally, a few weeks before the big day, in multiple ways, a quick stop in at the local library for the newest how to make quinoa cookbook, the librarian hears the plight of our doomed couple and goes, "Did you ever read folklore about deals with the devil?" And lo, the couple thought well, we could try to get off with a technicality, they ran to City Hall. 

And on the day of the planned wedding, everything went beautifully, the flowers were lovely, the sermon was tear rendering, there were bacon wrapped scallops, the MIL was in fact, not the devil, and the drunk uncle was only kinda tipsy. Then during the reception right before the cake cutting, The Devil, Cthulhu, Stalin, and the Cake-Blocking Giant Cock, walk in and demand their dues. Before anyone gets cake, the dicks. The guests are stunned. "Who made what deal now" "How drunk did they have to be to agree to that?" "How drunk am I that this is happening?" "Is that really a 5 ft Cock?" hushed whispers heard across the hall. Frantic glances to the wedding crashers and the previously happy couple. Our couple looks at one another, and finally the one who made that terrible, really fucking dumb bet all those years ago pulls out a piece of paper. "I'm terribly sorry, but we're already married. We've been married for two months now. As the terms of our deal was "wedding night" and a "wedding" is when one marrys another, you have forfeited your part of the bargain. So sorry." Their other half pulls out a box from under the table. "Here Cthulhu, you might want this back" Crestfallen, The Devil, Stalin, Cthulhu, and a Giant Cock walk out of the hall. They couldn't believe the turn of events. They thought they had it, but alas, a short jaunt to City Hall and a three day waiting period were their downfall. The Devil said to the Giant Cock, "You know, I should start getting lawyers to write up these contracts and check for loopholes."

 "You might be on to something there buddy, you might be on to something there." Replied the Giant Cock to The Devil.

 And then finally the goddamn cake was served. 

 Tl:Dr, scheduled deployment is a piss poor reason for a PPD.

APDSS22

chibiyui said:

kmmssg said:

katmartin2 said:

Clearly, you've never served in the Military or know the sacrifices those we have to make for our loved ones. I completely disagree with you, and think I do have every right to have my big day with my "big white dress" regardless of being legally married for military reasons.  I don't think of it as "reenacting" my wedding day, but rather continuing it. And it won't be less meaningful than a "first time" wedding. I understand your opinion, but thats all it is. It not your place to put down and discourage anyone else who may be having a "pretty princess day".

Oh, this did not set well with me at all.  At all.

Now, I have mentioned before on this board that I have attended 4 "PPDs" that were military related.  They all occurred during the early years of our current war when units were notified that in a matter of weeks they were deploying.  They had venues, contracts, etc and were not going to be there for the contracted wedding date.  The vendors, for the most part, let them all reschedule.  In each of those circumstances we ALL knew they had already been married and they were very honest with everyone.  We celebrated with our buddies on their safe return and were so happy to have them back.

For quite some time now, units have gotten a years notice for deployment.  (and let's face it, there aren't many units heading of to Afghanistan anymore) Not EVERY single time, but the overwhelming majority of the time, you know a year out so you can train for it.  Plenty of time to squeeze in a wedding.  Maybe not what you always dreamed of, but those are choices grown ups have to make at times.

Most military PPDs aren't because there is a surprise deployment anymore.  It is because someone wants the benefits now and the pretend party later.  I won't banish anyone to another universe for that if they are honest with everyone beforehand, but I think it is completely unnecessary.

I am especially offended at your comment in the bold above.  How dare you, today of all days, play the "sacrifice we have to make for your loved ones card."  Your pretend wedding has nothing to do with sacrifices.  Nothing.  You took your oath to serve this nation, not to use it to gain sympathy for being a special snowflake.  I DO appreciate your service and I DO understand the sacrifice that comes with it when it comes to family, as I missed so many events with mine.  Do NOT, today of all days, try to put sacrifice and why you deserve a wedding in the same sentence.

My thoughts today are with the family I had to notify in October 2010 - their 20 year old son was killed by an IED that day.  His mother saw me walking up the driveway with the Chaplain and fell to her knees screaming.  She knew why we were there.  THAT is sacrifice my dear, not a pretend wedding.

Signed, 

Sergeant First Class (retired) 4 time mother of the bride, 26 years of active federal service.

Well, that was taken out of proportion. My apologizes but you misunderstood. A wedding is not a sacrifice, that was never my intention. I'm well aware of the sacrifices we take, and the situation you described is every day for me. I have the honor of caring for our nations wounded. The military is just one of many reasons people may get legally married ahead of having a wedding day.

My point was just to ask people to ease up. Someone else's PPD does not change anything in your life. If thats what they want to do, than so be it. You don't know the reasons why someone chose to go that route. Not everyone will agree, thats understandable. But lets not be hurtful. We all have our reasons regardless of your assumptions. 

We have always been honest about our situation. I understand some people are not, but once again who are we to judge? Moving on..

If you want to lie about your wedding, there better a big, fucking fantastic reason. Like, one partner one drunken night before starting the relationship had a poker game with the devil, Cthulhu, Stalin, and a giant cock, and lost. And they couldn't pay the debt, so they promised their wedding night to everyone at the table. The next morning they had a terrible hangover and remembered nothing. Continued on with their life until they meet their eventual FI, feel in love did the whole song and dance, got engaged. And then received a letter from The devil, Stalin and a giant cock reminding them of the debt they owed. Cthulhu sent tentacle porn. Realizing the grave danger they were in, came clean with their FI who happened to know Jason Statham. FI calls Jason Statham up and he's all "I got this."

 And then Jason Statham hears a Giant Cock is involved. And then he's like "I know a guy" 

 This continues with various authority figures, celebrities, the mafia, world leaders, faux celebrities, fictional characters, and even the pope. Until finally, a few weeks before the big day, in multiple ways, a quick stop in at the local library for the newest how to make quinoa cookbook, the librarian hears the plight of our doomed couple and goes, "Did you ever read folklore about deals with the devil?" And lo, the couple thought well, we could try to get off with a technicality, they ran to City Hall. 

And on the day of the planned wedding, everything went beautifully, the flowers were lovely, the sermon was tear rendering, there were bacon wrapped scallops, the MIL was in fact, not the devil, and the drunk uncle was only kinda tipsy. Then during the reception right before the cake cutting, The Devil, Cthulhu, Stalin, and the Cake-Blocking Giant Cock, walk in and demand their dues. Before anyone gets cake, the dicks. The guests are stunned. "Who made what deal now" "How drunk did they have to be to agree to that?" "How drunk am I that this is happening?" "Is that really a 5 ft Cock?" hushed whispers heard across the hall. Frantic glances to the wedding crashers and the previously happy couple. Our couple looks at one another, and finally the one who made that terrible, really fucking dumb bet all those years ago pulls out a piece of paper. "I'm terribly sorry, but we're already married. We've been married for two months now. As the terms of our deal was "wedding night" and a "wedding" is when one marrys another, you have forfeited your part of the bargain. So sorry." Their other half pulls out a box from under the table. "Here Cthulhu, you might want this back" Crestfallen, The Devil, Stalin, Cthulhu, and a Giant Cock walk out of the hall. They couldn't believe the turn of events. They thought they had it, but alas, a short jaunt to City Hall and a three day waiting period were their downfall. The Devil said to the Giant Cock, "You know, I should start getting lawyers to write up these contracts and check for loopholes."

 "You might be on to something there buddy, you might be on to something there." Replied the Giant Cock to The Devil.

 And then finally the goddamn cake was served. 

 Tl:Dr, scheduled deployment is a piss poor reason for a PPD.

Masterpiece.  Simply a masterpiece.

Simply Fated

chibiyui said:

kmmssg said:

katmartin2 said:

Clearly, you've never served in the Military or know the sacrifices those we have to make for our loved ones. I completely disagree with you, and think I do have every right to have my big day with my "big white dress" regardless of being legally married for military reasons.  I don't think of it as "reenacting" my wedding day, but rather continuing it. And it won't be less meaningful than a "first time" wedding. I understand your opinion, but thats all it is. It not your place to put down and discourage anyone else who may be having a "pretty princess day".

Oh, this did not set well with me at all.  At all.

Now, I have mentioned before on this board that I have attended 4 "PPDs" that were military related.  They all occurred during the early years of our current war when units were notified that in a matter of weeks they were deploying.  They had venues, contracts, etc and were not going to be there for the contracted wedding date.  The vendors, for the most part, let them all reschedule.  In each of those circumstances we ALL knew they had already been married and they were very honest with everyone.  We celebrated with our buddies on their safe return and were so happy to have them back.

For quite some time now, units have gotten a years notice for deployment.  (and let's face it, there aren't many units heading of to Afghanistan anymore) Not EVERY single time, but the overwhelming majority of the time, you know a year out so you can train for it.  Plenty of time to squeeze in a wedding.  Maybe not what you always dreamed of, but those are choices grown ups have to make at times.

Most military PPDs aren't because there is a surprise deployment anymore.  It is because someone wants the benefits now and the pretend party later.  I won't banish anyone to another universe for that if they are honest with everyone beforehand, but I think it is completely unnecessary.

I am especially offended at your comment in the bold above.  How dare you, today of all days, play the "sacrifice we have to make for your loved ones card."  Your pretend wedding has nothing to do with sacrifices.  Nothing.  You took your oath to serve this nation, not to use it to gain sympathy for being a special snowflake.  I DO appreciate your service and I DO understand the sacrifice that comes with it when it comes to family, as I missed so many events with mine.  Do NOT, today of all days, try to put sacrifice and why you deserve a wedding in the same sentence.

My thoughts today are with the family I had to notify in October 2010 - their 20 year old son was killed by an IED that day.  His mother saw me walking up the driveway with the Chaplain and fell to her knees screaming.  She knew why we were there.  THAT is sacrifice my dear, not a pretend wedding.

Signed, 

Sergeant First Class (retired) 4 time mother of the bride, 26 years of active federal service.

Well, that was taken out of proportion. My apologizes but you misunderstood. A wedding is not a sacrifice, that was never my intention. I'm well aware of the sacrifices we take, and the situation you described is every day for me. I have the honor of caring for our nations wounded. The military is just one of many reasons people may get legally married ahead of having a wedding day.

My point was just to ask people to ease up. Someone else's PPD does not change anything in your life. If thats what they want to do, than so be it. You don't know the reasons why someone chose to go that route. Not everyone will agree, thats understandable. But lets not be hurtful. We all have our reasons regardless of your assumptions. 

We have always been honest about our situation. I understand some people are not, but once again who are we to judge? Moving on..

If you want to lie about your wedding, there better a big, fucking fantastic reason. Like, one partner one drunken night before starting the relationship had a poker game with the devil, Cthulhu, Stalin, and a giant cock, and lost. And they couldn't pay the debt, so they promised their wedding night to everyone at the table. The next morning they had a terrible hangover and remembered nothing. Continued on with their life until they meet their eventual FI, feel in love did the whole song and dance, got engaged. And then received a letter from The devil, Stalin and a giant cock reminding them of the debt they owed. Cthulhu sent tentacle porn. Realizing the grave danger they were in, came clean with their FI who happened to know Jason Statham. FI calls Jason Statham up and he's all "I got this."

 And then Jason Statham hears a Giant Cock is involved. And then he's like "I know a guy" 

 This continues with various authority figures, celebrities, the mafia, world leaders, faux celebrities, fictional characters, and even the pope. Until finally, a few weeks before the big day, in multiple ways, a quick stop in at the local library for the newest how to make quinoa cookbook, the librarian hears the plight of our doomed couple and goes, "Did you ever read folklore about deals with the devil?" And lo, the couple thought well, we could try to get off with a technicality, they ran to City Hall. 

And on the day of the planned wedding, everything went beautifully, the flowers were lovely, the sermon was tear rendering, there were bacon wrapped scallops, the MIL was in fact, not the devil, and the drunk uncle was only kinda tipsy. Then during the reception right before the cake cutting, The Devil, Cthulhu, Stalin, and the Cake-Blocking Giant Cock, walk in and demand their dues. Before anyone gets cake, the dicks. The guests are stunned. "Who made what deal now" "How drunk did they have to be to agree to that?" "How drunk am I that this is happening?" "Is that really a 5 ft Cock?" hushed whispers heard across the hall. Frantic glances to the wedding crashers and the previously happy couple. Our couple looks at one another, and finally the one who made that terrible, really fucking dumb bet all those years ago pulls out a piece of paper. "I'm terribly sorry, but we're already married. We've been married for two months now. As the terms of our deal was "wedding night" and a "wedding" is when one marrys another, you have forfeited your part of the bargain. So sorry." Their other half pulls out a box from under the table. "Here Cthulhu, you might want this back" Crestfallen, The Devil, Stalin, Cthulhu, and a Giant Cock walk out of the hall. They couldn't believe the turn of events. They thought they had it, but alas, a short jaunt to City Hall and a three day waiting period were their downfall. The Devil said to the Giant Cock, "You know, I should start getting lawyers to write up these contracts and check for loopholes."

 "You might be on to something there buddy, you might be on to something there." Replied the Giant Cock to The Devil.

 And then finally the goddamn cake was served. 

 Tl:Dr, scheduled deployment is a piss poor reason for a PPD.

Whoa.

Jen4948

kjm716 said:

Clearly, you've never served in the Military or know the sacrifices those we have to make for our loved ones. I completely disagree with you, and think I do have every right to have my big day with my "big white dress" regardless of being legally married for military reasons.  I don't think of it as "reenacting" my wedding day, but rather continuing it. And it won't be less meaningful than a "first time" wedding. I understand your opinion, but thats all it is. It not your place to put down and discourage anyone else who may be having a "pretty princess day".

Isn't lying about your marital status so you can claim military benefits while pretending not to be married disgracing your uniform and violating the oath of service you took?

You owe everyone honesty, but no one owes you a wedding in a big white dress.  The private little ceremony that enables you to claim benefiits IS your wedding, whether or not you wore a "big white dress" or your uniform or jeans and a T-shirt, and regardless of whether or not your loved ones were there or it was officiated by a JP or your clergyperson.

It is etiquette not to lie, which is not just our "opinion" and IS our place to "put down and discourage anyone else who may be having a 'pretty princess day" because that's what you're doing.  The purpose of this forum and this board in particular is to discourage people from breaching etiquette, whether you personally like it or not.

Grow up.  You owe the military and the rest of the world honesty and maturity, and you're exhibiting neither here.

manateehugger

Thank you @kmmssg

I've known soldiers who never made it home. I've known soldiers who make it home missing pieces of themselves, mentally or physically. The fact that we can call not having the wedding of our dreams or the need for legal benefits early a sacrifice is sickening to me.

ladyamanuet

Being an adult is about making choices.  You CHOSE benefits over the "wedding of your dreams" - now you must live with that choice.  Can you have a celebration party at a later date? Yes. As long as everyone knows you are married.  But don't redo the vows, or cut the cake, or do a bouquet toss - because it is not a wedding.  Have the cake, have a DJ, have alcohol and food, have dancing, wear a beautiful dress... but don't call it a wedding, because you CHOSE to already have one.

You CHOSE to have your wedding already, before you could afford to have the dress, and the cake, and the bouquet.  You could have made the choice to budget better, give up anything not essential to life (like a smart phone and data plan, cable, Starbucks, etc), live without benefits (like MANY MANY people do), all that to SAVE and then get the benefits on the same day you could afford the party you want (WANT, not DESERVE - the only thing anyone deserves in life is food, water, and shelter. That's it. Everything else is gravy). You CHOSE not to. You could have planned a very quick and simple wedding that you invited people to. Backyard instead of a hotel, department store dress instead of a full out wedding gown, wild flowers in found jars instead of big center pieces.  These things can be thrown together in a matter of weeks. You CHOSE not to do that either. You CHOSE to get married when you did, without any flair, because getting the benefits then was more important than waiting to afford the "day of your dreams." Time to own that choice.

Does it suck you had to choose between benefits and the wedding you dreamed of? It sure does. Welcome to adulthood. Choices are hardly ever easy.  But they are CHOICES.  You aren't a kidnapped girl in Nigeria FORCED to wed against your will.  You didn't HAVE to get married. You CHOSE to. 

Do not come to the ETIQUETTE board and tell us we HAVE to understand there are "special circumstances" for you.  There are no circumstances - NONE - that excuse rude behavior. 

When ex-H and I got married, it was the day before he shipped out for Korea. We had a JOP ceremony, I had a white dress from Kohl's, we had dinner with his friends stationed at the same post at Chili's to celebrate.  I didn't get a bridal shower or a bachelorette party. There was no WP.  I didn't get an aisle to walk down, or a first dance, or a bouquet toss. We could have waited until we had the time and money to plan my "dream day" - but we CHOSE not to, because we wanted the benefit of having me on post when he returned.  When he returned there was no "re-do" - we went about our married lives, happy for the ability to be married and be together.  We owned the choice we made.

Edited to fix spelling

mrs4everhart

ladyamanuet said:

Being an adult is about making choices.  You CHOSE benefits over the "wedding of your dreams" - now you must live with that choice.  Can you have a celebration party at a later date? Yes. As long as everyone knows you are married.  But don't redo the vows, or cut the cake, or do a bouquet toss - because it is not a wedding.  Have the cake, have a DJ, have alcohol and food, have dancing, wear a beautiful dress... but don't call it a wedding, because you CHOSE to already have one.

You CHOSE to have your wedding already, before you could afford to have the dress, and the cake, and the bouquet.  You could have made the choice to budget better, give up anything not essential to life (like a smart phone and data plan, cable, Starbucks, etc), live without benefits (like MANY MANY people do), all that to SAVE and then get the benefits on the same day you could afford the party you want (WANT, not DESERVE - the only thing anyone deserves in life is food, water, and shelter. That's it. Everything else is gravy). You CHOSE not to. You could have planned a very quick and simple wedding that you invited people to. Backyard instead of a hotel, department store dress instead of a full out wedding gown, wild flowers in found jars instead of big center pieces.  These things can be thrown together in a matter of weeks. You CHOSE not to do that either. You CHOSE to get married when you did, without any flair, because getting the benefits then was more important than waiting to afford the "day of your dreams." Time to own that choice.

Does it suck you had to choose between benefits and the wedding you dreamed of? It sure does. Welcome to adulthood. Choices are hardly ever easy.  But they are CHOICES.  You aren't a kidnapped girl in Nigeria FORCED to wed against your will.  You didn't HAVE to get married. You CHOSE to. 

Do not come to the ETIQUETTE board and tell us we HAVE to understand there are "special circumstances" for you.  There are no circumstances - NONE - that excuse rude behavior. 

When ex-H and I got married, it was the day before he shipped out for Korea. We had a JOP ceremony, I had a white dress from Kohl's, we had dinner with his friends stationed at the same post at Chili's to celebrate.  I didn't get a bridal shower or a bachelorette party. There was no WP.  I didn't get an aisle to walk down, or a first dance, or a bouquet toss. We could have waited until we had the time and money to plan my "dream day" - but we CHOSE not to, because we wanted the benefit of having me on post when he returned.  When he returned there was no "re-do" - we went about our married lives, happy for the ability to be married and be together.  We owned the choice we made.

Edited to fix spelling

What a bummer of an attitude to have. I'm so very thankful we never bought in to that line of thinking. 

Jen4948

kjm716 said:

kmmssg said:

katmartin2 said:

Clearly, you've never served in the Military or know the sacrifices those we have to make for our loved ones. I completely disagree with you, and think I do have every right to have my big day with my "big white dress" regardless of being legally married for military reasons.  I don't think of it as "reenacting" my wedding day, but rather continuing it. And it won't be less meaningful than a "first time" wedding. I understand your opinion, but thats all it is. It not your place to put down and discourage anyone else who may be having a "pretty princess day".

Oh, this did not set well with me at all.  At all.

Now, I have mentioned before on this board that I have attended 4 "PPDs" that were military related.  They all occurred during the early years of our current war when units were notified that in a matter of weeks they were deploying.  They had venues, contracts, etc and were not going to be there for the contracted wedding date.  The vendors, for the most part, let them all reschedule.  In each of those circumstances we ALL knew they had already been married and they were very honest with everyone.  We celebrated with our buddies on their safe return and were so happy to have them back.

For quite some time now, units have gotten a years notice for deployment.  (and let's face it, there aren't many units heading of to Afghanistan anymore) Not EVERY single time, but the overwhelming majority of the time, you know a year out so you can train for it.  Plenty of time to squeeze in a wedding.  Maybe not what you always dreamed of, but those are choices grown ups have to make at times.

Most military PPDs aren't because there is a surprise deployment anymore.  It is because someone wants the benefits now and the pretend party later.  I won't banish anyone to another universe for that if they are honest with everyone beforehand, but I think it is completely unnecessary.

I am especially offended at your comment in the bold above.  How dare you, today of all days, play the "sacrifice we have to make for your loved ones card."  Your pretend wedding has nothing to do with sacrifices.  Nothing.  You took your oath to serve this nation, not to use it to gain sympathy for being a special snowflake.  I DO appreciate your service and I DO understand the sacrifice that comes with it when it comes to family, as I missed so many events with mine.  Do NOT, today of all days, try to put sacrifice and why you deserve a wedding in the same sentence.

My thoughts today are with the family I had to notify in October 2010 - their 20 year old son was killed by an IED that day.  His mother saw me walking up the driveway with the Chaplain and fell to her knees screaming.  She knew why we were there.  THAT is sacrifice my dear, not a pretend wedding.

Signed, 

Sergeant First Class (retired) 4 time mother of the bride, 26 years of active federal service.

Well, that was taken out of proportion. My apologizes but you misunderstood. A wedding is not a sacrifice, that was never my intention. I'm well aware of the sacrifices we take, and the situation you described is every day for me. I have the honor of caring for our nations wounded. The military is just one of many reasons people may get legally married ahead of having a wedding day.

My point was just to ask people to ease up. Someone else's PPD does not change anything in your life. If thats what they want to do, than so be it. You don't know the reasons why someone chose to go that route. Not everyone will agree, thats understandable. But lets not be hurtful. We all have our reasons regardless of your assumptions. 

We have always been honest about our situation. I understand some people are not, but once again who are we to judge? Moving on..

The purpose of this board, and who we are, is to advocate for correct etiquette, and yes, to judge those who advocate breaches of correct etiquette, and claiming benefits available only for married couples while holding oneself out as not married is a breach of correct etiquette.  Sorry, but you're out of luck if you expect us not to judge people who lie.

mrs4everhart

flantastic said:

STBMrsEverhart said:

ladyamanuet said:

Being an adult is about making choices.  You CHOSE benefits over the "wedding of your dreams" - now you must live with that choice.  Can you have a celebration party at a later date? Yes. As long as everyone knows you are married.  But don't redo the vows, or cut the cake, or do a bouquet toss - because it is not a wedding.  Have the cake, have a DJ, have alcohol and food, have dancing, wear a beautiful dress... but don't call it a wedding, because you CHOSE to already have one.

You CHOSE to have your wedding already, before you could afford to have the dress, and the cake, and the bouquet.  You could have made the choice to budget better, give up anything not essential to life (like a smart phone and data plan, cable, Starbucks, etc), live without benefits (like MANY MANY people do), all that to SAVE and then get the benefits on the same day you could afford the party you want (WANT, not DESERVE - the only thing anyone deserves in life is food, water, and shelter. That's it. Everything else is gravy). You CHOSE not to. You could have planned a very quick and simple wedding that you invited people to. Backyard instead of a hotel, department store dress instead of a full out wedding gown, wild flowers in found jars instead of big center pieces.  These things can be thrown together in a matter of weeks. You CHOSE not to do that either. You CHOSE to get married when you did, without any flair, because getting the benefits then was more important than waiting to afford the "day of your dreams." Time to own that choice.

Does it suck you had to choose between benefits and the wedding you dreamed of? It sure does. Welcome to adulthood. Choices are hardly ever easy.  But they are CHOICES.  You aren't a kidnapped girl in Nigeria FORCED to wed against your will.  You didn't HAVE to get married. You CHOSE to. 

Do not come to the ETIQUETTE board and tell us we HAVE to understand there are "special circumstances" for you.  There are no circumstances - NONE - that excuse rude behavior. 

When ex-H and I got married, it was the day before he shipped out for Korea. We had a JOP ceremony, I had a white dress from Kohl's, we had dinner with his friends stationed at the same post at Chili's to celebrate.  I didn't get a bridal shower or a bachelorette party. There was no WP.  I didn't get an aisle to walk down, or a first dance, or a bouquet toss. We could have waited until we had the time and money to plan my "dream day" - but we CHOSE not to, because we wanted the benefit of having me on post when he returned.  When he returned there was no "re-do" - we went about our married lives, happy for the ability to be married and be together.  We owned the choice we made.

Edited to fix spelling

What a bummer of an attitude to have. I'm so very thankful we never bought in to that line of thinking. 

Oh FFS. Is it so hard to consider having your marriage more important than having a party? Would there really be so much regret tied to not having the party? Wedding day = the day you choose to get married, for whatever set of reasons. Then you get to be married. If you're not happy with just getting to be married, then that's the attitude I think is a bummer.

ETA: I didn't get to have as many birthday parties as I wanted as a kid. Guess what? I still turned 8.

Personally I'd be super bummed without a party. We like throwing parties so much we're having two - one in Mexico and one when we get back. Sure, we'll be plenty happy to be married, but no more or no less than before. And throwing killer parties makes us happy too, so why not both?!

pinkshorts27

flantastic said:

STBMrsEverhart said:

ladyamanuet said:

Being an adult is about making choices.  You CHOSE benefits over the "wedding of your dreams" - now you must live with that choice.  Can you have a celebration party at a later date? Yes. As long as everyone knows you are married.  But don't redo the vows, or cut the cake, or do a bouquet toss - because it is not a wedding.  Have the cake, have a DJ, have alcohol and food, have dancing, wear a beautiful dress... but don't call it a wedding, because you CHOSE to already have one.

You CHOSE to have your wedding already, before you could afford to have the dress, and the cake, and the bouquet.  You could have made the choice to budget better, give up anything not essential to life (like a smart phone and data plan, cable, Starbucks, etc), live without benefits (like MANY MANY people do), all that to SAVE and then get the benefits on the same day you could afford the party you want (WANT, not DESERVE - the only thing anyone deserves in life is food, water, and shelter. That's it. Everything else is gravy). You CHOSE not to. You could have planned a very quick and simple wedding that you invited people to. Backyard instead of a hotel, department store dress instead of a full out wedding gown, wild flowers in found jars instead of big center pieces.  These things can be thrown together in a matter of weeks. You CHOSE not to do that either. You CHOSE to get married when you did, without any flair, because getting the benefits then was more important than waiting to afford the "day of your dreams." Time to own that choice.

Does it suck you had to choose between benefits and the wedding you dreamed of? It sure does. Welcome to adulthood. Choices are hardly ever easy.  But they are CHOICES.  You aren't a kidnapped girl in Nigeria FORCED to wed against your will.  You didn't HAVE to get married. You CHOSE to. 

Do not come to the ETIQUETTE board and tell us we HAVE to understand there are "special circumstances" for you.  There are no circumstances - NONE - that excuse rude behavior. 

When ex-H and I got married, it was the day before he shipped out for Korea. We had a JOP ceremony, I had a white dress from Kohl's, we had dinner with his friends stationed at the same post at Chili's to celebrate.  I didn't get a bridal shower or a bachelorette party. There was no WP.  I didn't get an aisle to walk down, or a first dance, or a bouquet toss. We could have waited until we had the time and money to plan my "dream day" - but we CHOSE not to, because we wanted the benefit of having me on post when he returned.  When he returned there was no "re-do" - we went about our married lives, happy for the ability to be married and be together.  We owned the choice we made.

Edited to fix spelling

What a bummer of an attitude to have. I'm so very thankful we never bought in to that line of thinking. 

Oh FFS. Is it so hard to consider having your marriage more important than having a party? Would there really be so much regret tied to not having the party? Wedding day = the day you choose to get married, for whatever set of reasons. Then you get to be married. If you're not happy with just getting to be married, then that's the attitude I think is a bummer.

ETA: I didn't get to have as many birthday parties as I wanted as a kid. Guess what? I still turned 8.

FI never had birthday parties growing up either. I now throw him a dinner every year. And guess what, I pay for everyone's food. Though his BFF helps pay as his birthday gift each year. haha.

ETA: I thought that was more interesting than the current arguement!

ladyamanuet

I had the BEST birthdays growing up!  I try to make my step-daughters' as awesome as possible because my mom made the effort to make them awesome for me.  I go all out for birthdays... it's so hard with the twins though. The little one is easy, but the twins are identical, so I try my best to make them each feel like it's their day, even though they have to share it.  I make them each their own cake.  Which means LOTS of leftover cake - which they get to have for breakfast for a few days after their party

NYCBruin

In case anyone was wondering, you can throw a party without lying to your guests about what the purpose of the party is.  

Simply Fated

NYCBruin said:

In case anyone was wondering, you can throw a party without lying to your guests about what the purpose of the party is.  

I almost feel bad for those people who feel they need a really good excuse to throw a party. As though they are afraid their friends and family won't want to attend unless it's for an important reason.