Legally married, now having a "real" wedding? Stop here first! (AKA, the PPD FAQ thread)

crunchymamaof2

Simply Fated said:

NYCBruin said:

In case anyone was wondering, you can throw a party without lying to your guests about what the purpose of the party is.  

I almost feel bad for those people who feel they need a really good excuse to throw a party. As though they are afraid their friends and family won't want to attend unless it's for an important reason.

This should be added to bingo...."lying so people will show up"

ladyamanuet

crunchymamaof2 said:

Simply Fated said:

NYCBruin said:

In case anyone was wondering, you can throw a party without lying to your guests about what the purpose of the party is.  

I almost feel bad for those people who feel they need a really good excuse to throw a party. As though they are afraid their friends and family won't want to attend unless it's for an important reason.

This should be added to bingo...."lying so people will show up"

Right?  To all of the above. 

If I told my friends and family "hey I'm going to throw a party next month - food, wine, dancing. Want to come?" They'd be on it in a second. IF they asked why I'd say "Because it's the 2nd Tuesday in June" or "Odin's Ravens are in the second house of Cthulhu" and they'd say "oh awesome - random party time!" and we would party down and it would be great. 

You don't NEED a reason.  If you want a reason? How about "Hey, we decided to wed in an intimate ceremony last year.  Now that circumstances allow, please come eat, drink, and dance with us in celebration of our nuptials!" Don't pretend it is a wedding - skip the ceremony, just do a nice, SHORT speech, don't do a "first" dance or a bouquet toss - and people will still want to come to eat, drink, dance, and celebrate.

sydneyviolet

Enjoy haters xox

Inside Poppy Delevingne Magical Moroccan Wedding 

"Poppy Delevingne has proven that if you are going to marry the love of your life than string it out for as long as possible, after marrying her beau James Cook for the second time in as many weeks".

perdonami

What a gaudy display of wealth. Since when did the term "hippy" become paired with capitalistic wastefulness?

chibiyui

Who the fuck is Poppy Delawhatever, and why the fuck should I care about how tacky she is?

beethery

chibiyui said:

If you want to lie about your wedding, there better a big, fucking fantastic reason. Like, one partner one drunken night before starting the relationship had a poker game with the devil, Cthulhu, Stalin, and a giant cock, and lost. And they couldn't pay the debt, so they promised their wedding night to everyone at the table. The next morning they had a terrible hangover and remembered nothing. Continued on with their life until they meet their eventual FI, feel in love did the whole song and dance, got engaged. And then received a letter from The devil, Stalin and a giant cock reminding them of the debt they owed. Cthulhu sent tentacle porn. Realizing the grave danger they were in, came clean with their FI who happened to know Jason Statham. FI calls Jason Statham up and he's all "I got this."

 And then Jason Statham hears a Giant Cock is involved. And then he's like "I know a guy" 

 This continues with various authority figures, celebrities, the mafia, world leaders, faux celebrities, fictional characters, and even the pope. Until finally, a few weeks before the big day, in multiple ways, a quick stop in at the local library for the newest how to make quinoa cookbook, the librarian hears the plight of our doomed couple and goes, "Did you ever read folklore about deals with the devil?" And lo, the couple thought well, we could try to get off with a technicality, they ran to City Hall. 

And on the day of the planned wedding, everything went beautifully, the flowers were lovely, the sermon was tear rendering, there were bacon wrapped scallops, the MIL was in fact, not the devil, and the drunk uncle was only kinda tipsy. Then during the reception right before the cake cutting, The Devil, Cthulhu, Stalin, and the Cake-Blocking Giant Cock, walk in and demand their dues. Before anyone gets cake, the dicks. The guests are stunned. "Who made what deal now" "How drunk did they have to be to agree to that?" "How drunk am I that this is happening?" "Is that really a 5 ft Cock?" hushed whispers heard across the hall. Frantic glances to the wedding crashers and the previously happy couple. Our couple looks at one another, and finally the one who made that terrible, really fucking dumb bet all those years ago pulls out a piece of paper. "I'm terribly sorry, but we're already married. We've been married for two months now. As the terms of our deal was "wedding night" and a "wedding" is when one marrys another, you have forfeited your part of the bargain. So sorry." Their other half pulls out a box from under the table. "Here Cthulhu, you might want this back" Crestfallen, The Devil, Stalin, Cthulhu, and a Giant Cock walk out of the hall. They couldn't believe the turn of events. They thought they had it, but alas, a short jaunt to City Hall and a three day waiting period were their downfall. The Devil said to the Giant Cock, "You know, I should start getting lawyers to write up these contracts and check for loopholes."

 "You might be on to something there buddy, you might be on to something there." Replied the Giant Cock to The Devil.

 And then finally the goddamn cake was served. 

 Tl:Dr, scheduled deployment is a piss poor reason for a PPD.

This is, without question, the best fucking thing I have read on anything that has ever dared to linger in theknot.com's hosting, subdomains, etc. May the php surrounding this post shine with golden light and whatever omnipresent being that may or may not be in charge of existence smile upon this post. This is fucking amazing.

AND IT IS ALSO 100% FACT.

chibiyui

@Beethery

I'm flattered.

futuremrskrob44

I think it's awkward to hear etiquette "advice" from someone who has already been married and divorced. Isn't a second marriage considered a "do-over"?

pinkshorts27

Knottie0938699 said:

I think it's awkward to hear etiquette "advice" from someone who has already been married and divorced. Isn't a second marriage considered a "do-over"?

No. How rude and judgmental. At the point of the second wedding, they are not married. They had a divorce. That is no a re-do wedding, they are not play acting. They are actually getting married. At a PPD, they are not actually getting married because they have already gotten married. Completely different and should be pretty obvious with any critical thinking.

ohannabelle

Knottie0938699 said:

I think it's awkward to hear etiquette "advice" from someone who has already been married and divorced. Isn't a second marriage considered a "do-over"?

So, being divorced means that a person is incapable of understanding etiquette? I'd try to follow the logic here, but there simply is none. 

chibiyui

Knottie0938699 said:

I think it's awkward to hear etiquette "advice" from someone who has already been married and divorced. Isn't a second marriage considered a "do-over"?

Here you go. Extra Strength. 

Jells2dot0

Knottie0938699 said:

I think it's awkward to hear etiquette "advice" from someone who has already been married and divorced. Isn't a second marriage considered a "do-over"?

Um. What??? Etiquette is about manners- how you host people and how you treat people. How does not being married to someone any more equate to not hosting people properly? In fact, in most cases, a second marriage leads to better etiquette because you have most likely have learned a thing or two along the way. Not everyone is this way, but most of people on here who aren't following proper etiquette are young, first time brides.

Maggie0829

Knottie0938699 said:

I think it's awkward to hear etiquette "advice" from someone who has already been married and divorced. Isn't a second marriage considered a "do-over"?

Wow.  This has to be in the top "worst things ever said on TK" in regards to stupidity and judgment. Nice way to basically talk down to those that unfortunately have had to deal with a divorce (or maybe a death of a spouse) and are then lucky enough to find love again.  You really should be quite ashamed of yourself.

flyingfoxes

LOL - I was talking about this to my active duty Army FI last week, about the women who married their active duty husbands to gain the benefits but then didn't consider themselves married until they had their party day, and he was disgusted too! 

Lizzieyounce

Knottie0938699 said:

I think it's awkward to hear etiquette "advice" from someone who has already been married and divorced. Isn't a second marriage considered a "do-over"?

AddieCake

Knottie0938699 said:

I think it's awkward to hear etiquette "advice" from someone who has already been married and divorced. Isn't a second marriage considered a "do-over"?

What the actual fuck. You disgust me with this statement and attitude.

Zhabeego

There is nothing rude about a second marriage. Etiquette does frown on having lavish second weddings and/or registering for second weddings but these events are not "do-overs" unless the Bride and Groom are the same as the first marriage.

Maggie0829

Zhabeego said:

There is nothing rude about a second marriage. Etiquette does frown on having lavish second weddings and/or registering for second weddings but these events are not "do-overs" unless the Bride and Groom are the same as the first marriage.

I would like to know where you got this information from, because I am pretty sure that it is wrong.

Zhabeego

Maggie0829 said:

Zhabeego said:

There is nothing rude about a second marriage. Etiquette does frown on having lavish second weddings and/or registering for second weddings but these events are not "do-overs" unless the Bride and Groom are the same as the first marriage.

I would like to know where you got this information from, because I am pretty sure that it is wrong.

If you've had one big white wedding already, it's considered in poor taste to have a second - especially if you are inviting many of the same guests. In other words, if your great Aunt Pearl, and cousins Benedict and Ruprect, and your BFF's attended and bought gifts for your first wedding, if they have already once bought gifts to help you set up housekeeping, it's a bit much to expect to put them through their paces and presume upon their time, enthusiasm and generosity a second time.

Jen4948

Zhabeego said:

Maggie0829 said:

Zhabeego said:

There is nothing rude about a second marriage. Etiquette does frown on having lavish second weddings and/or registering for second weddings but these events are not "do-overs" unless the Bride and Groom are the same as the first marriage.

I would like to know where you got this information from, because I am pretty sure that it is wrong.

If you've had one big white wedding already, it's considered in poor taste to have a second - especially if you are inviting many of the same guests. In other words, if your great Aunt Pearl, and cousins Benedict and Ruprect, and your BFF's attended and bought gifts for your first wedding, if they have already once bought gifts to help you set up housekeeping, it's a bit much to expect to put them through their paces and presume upon their time, enthusiasm and generosity a second time.

I think you're confusing "taste" with "etiquette" here.  The two are not the same.

And even Miss Manners and the Posts don't argue this.  Per etiquette, one doesn't invite people for the purpose of getting gifts, but to celebrate a special occasion-regardless of how many times a similar occasion happened in the past or how many gifts one has gotten in the past.

Simply Fated

Zhabeego said:

Maggie0829 said:

Zhabeego said:

There is nothing rude about a second marriage. Etiquette does frown on having lavish second weddings and/or registering for second weddings but these events are not "do-overs" unless the Bride and Groom are the same as the first marriage.

I would like to know where you got this information from, because I am pretty sure that it is wrong.

If you've had one big white wedding already, it's considered in poor taste to have a second - especially if you are inviting many of the same guests. In other words, if your great Aunt Pearl, and cousins Benedict and Ruprect, and your BFF's attended and bought gifts for your first wedding, if they have already once bought gifts to help you set up housekeeping, it's a bit much to expect to put them through their paces and presume upon their time, enthusiasm and generosity a second time.

That has nothing to do with etiquette.
Aunt Pearl gave you a gift to set up your first home. You don't have that home anymore. For all we know your ex took everything in the divorce. It doesn't matter. It's a new marriage, clean slate.
If Aunt Pearl (or you) thinks it's in bad taste, then you and Aunt Pearl doesn't have to get a gift. There is no rule of etiquette that says you have to.

mimivac

Jells2dot0 said:

I did this, but both the JOP and the other wedding with friends and family were on the same day, a few hours apart. Worked for everyone.

I apologize if this was already addressed, but if you had a JOP wedding and vow renewal with family and friends on the same day, what was the point of doing that? Or do you mean you had a JOP wedding followed by a reception? Having two ceremonies on the same day just doesn't make sense to me at all.

mimivac

Sorry, my post didn't go through above. Yes, we had a JOP ceremony at the courthouse with just the two of us and then a quick ceremony with our friends and family at the wedding venue, followed by a reception. The reason was that we found out very late that the person who was marrying us (a friend) did not get the proper (legal) credentials in time. By then, we had already secured everything and invited the guests (a very small wedding with 30 guests), so we got legally married and within an hour had the wedding.

PrettyGirlLost

chibiyui said:

kjm716 said:

kmmssg said:

katmartin2 said:

Clearly, you've never served in the Military or know the sacrifices those we have to make for our loved ones. I completely disagree with you, and think I do have every right to have my big day with my "big white dress" regardless of being legally married for military reasons.  I don't think of it as "reenacting" my wedding day, but rather continuing it. And it won't be less meaningful than a "first time" wedding. I understand your opinion, but thats all it is. It not your place to put down and discourage anyone else who may be having a "pretty princess day".

Oh, this did not set well with me at all.  At all.

Now, I have mentioned before on this board that I have attended 4 "PPDs" that were military related.  They all occurred during the early years of our current war when units were notified that in a matter of weeks they were deploying.  They had venues, contracts, etc and were not going to be there for the contracted wedding date.  The vendors, for the most part, let them all reschedule.  In each of those circumstances we ALL knew they had already been married and they were very honest with everyone.  We celebrated with our buddies on their safe return and were so happy to have them back.

For quite some time now, units have gotten a years notice for deployment.  (and let's face it, there aren't many units heading of to Afghanistan anymore) Not EVERY single time, but the overwhelming majority of the time, you know a year out so you can train for it.  Plenty of time to squeeze in a wedding.  Maybe not what you always dreamed of, but those are choices grown ups have to make at times.

Most military PPDs aren't because there is a surprise deployment anymore.  It is because someone wants the benefits now and the pretend party later.  I won't banish anyone to another universe for that if they are honest with everyone beforehand, but I think it is completely unnecessary.

I am especially offended at your comment in the bold above.  How dare you, today of all days, play the "sacrifice we have to make for your loved ones card."  Your pretend wedding has nothing to do with sacrifices.  Nothing.  You took your oath to serve this nation, not to use it to gain sympathy for being a special snowflake.  I DO appreciate your service and I DO understand the sacrifice that comes with it when it comes to family, as I missed so many events with mine.  Do NOT, today of all days, try to put sacrifice and why you deserve a wedding in the same sentence.

My thoughts today are with the family I had to notify in October 2010 - their 20 year old son was killed by an IED that day.  His mother saw me walking up the driveway with the Chaplain and fell to her knees screaming.  She knew why we were there.  THAT is sacrifice my dear, not a pretend wedding.

Signed, 

Sergeant First Class (retired) 4 time mother of the bride, 26 years of active federal service.

Well, that was taken out of proportion. My apologizes but you misunderstood. A wedding is not a sacrifice, that was never my intention. I'm well aware of the sacrifices we take, and the situation you described is every day for me. I have the honor of caring for our nations wounded. The military is just one of many reasons people may get legally married ahead of having a wedding day.

My point was just to ask people to ease up. Someone else's PPD does not change anything in your life. If thats what they want to do, than so be it. You don't know the reasons why someone chose to go that route. Not everyone will agree, thats understandable. But lets not be hurtful. We all have our reasons regardless of your assumptions. 

We have always been honest about our situation. I understand some people are not, but once again who are we to judge? Moving on..

If you want to lie about your wedding, there better a big, fucking fantastic reason. Like, one partner one drunken night before starting the relationship had a poker game with the devil, Cthulhu, Stalin, and a giant cock, and lost. And they couldn't pay the debt, so they promised their wedding night to everyone at the table. The next morning they had a terrible hangover and remembered nothing. Continued on with their life until they meet their eventual FI, feel in love did the whole song and dance, got engaged. And then received a letter from The devil, Stalin and a giant cock reminding them of the debt they owed. Cthulhu sent tentacle porn. Realizing the grave danger they were in, came clean with their FI who happened to know Jason Statham. FI calls Jason Statham up and he's all "I got this."

 And then Jason Statham hears a Giant Cock is involved. And then he's like "I know a guy" 

 This continues with various authority figures, celebrities, the mafia, world leaders, faux celebrities, fictional characters, and even the pope. Until finally, a few weeks before the big day, in multiple ways, a quick stop in at the local library for the newest how to make quinoa cookbook, the librarian hears the plight of our doomed couple and goes, "Did you ever read folklore about deals with the devil?" And lo, the couple thought well, we could try to get off with a technicality, they ran to City Hall. 

And on the day of the planned wedding, everything went beautifully, the flowers were lovely, the sermon was tear rendering, there were bacon wrapped scallops, the MIL was in fact, not the devil, and the drunk uncle was only kinda tipsy. Then during the reception right before the cake cutting, The Devil, Cthulhu, Stalin, and the Cake-Blocking Giant Cock, walk in and demand their dues. Before anyone gets cake, the dicks. The guests are stunned. "Who made what deal now" "How drunk did they have to be to agree to that?" "How drunk am I that this is happening?" "Is that really a 5 ft Cock?" hushed whispers heard across the hall. Frantic glances to the wedding crashers and the previously happy couple. Our couple looks at one another, and finally the one who made that terrible, really fucking dumb bet all those years ago pulls out a piece of paper. "I'm terribly sorry, but we're already married. We've been married for two months now. As the terms of our deal was "wedding night" and a "wedding" is when one marrys another, you have forfeited your part of the bargain. So sorry." Their other half pulls out a box from under the table. "Here Cthulhu, you might want this back" Crestfallen, The Devil, Stalin, Cthulhu, and a Giant Cock walk out of the hall. They couldn't believe the turn of events. They thought they had it, but alas, a short jaunt to City Hall and a three day waiting period were their downfall. The Devil said to the Giant Cock, "You know, I should start getting lawyers to write up these contracts and check for loopholes."

 "You might be on to something
there buddy, you might be on to something there." Replied the Giant Cock to The Devil.

 And then finally the goddamn cake was served. 

 Tl:Dr, scheduled deployment is a piss poor reason for a PPD.

Sweet baby jesus what the fuck did I just read?! I'm dying!!

JenLee217

I am a woman who is leagally married, went to justice of piece and all. My option for doing so was I wanted something intimate between me and my spouse. Our family knows and yes some were upset. But we are now in the process of planning to renew those vows and have big wedding with our family in attendance. We are going the big poufy dress and tux route with a tiered cake a dj and our first dance. It may not technically be our first dance. But it's our first dance that will be witnessed and shared among our family and friends. It doesn't matter why you chose to have a JOP wedding. As long as the love is still there. And if family members are upset sorry to say this bit let's be real. That is your husband and if this is what you both want to do, then do it. And if your family loves you both they will be there to support you and not put you down. Once you're married it's you and him. If you want to celebrate it over then so. And it is a real wedding no matter how you did it, just take the opportunity to say we are renewing our vow not having a real wedding. Cause both are real. One just cost a whole hell of a lot more than the other. Trust me. 40 dollars to do justice of peace and pay for license. 12000 dollars for our wedding budget (which we're at a total of 9600 spent)

JenLee217

One because I can. Two because I can and three because I can. If you read I said renewing vows. I am already married and enjoyed and loved how I did it. We decided to RENEW OUR VOWS and this time we are doing a big one with the family in attendance. So regardless if I am renewing my vows with my husband it's still a Ceremony and if you read it clearly i said don't say it's a wedding. Thank you!

JenLee217

Married last year November 1. Renewing the vows November 1 2014. Doing big for the husband and family. I got what I wanted and that was something small. Why not give him what he ultimately wanted. He wants big with all of our family especially with his coming from far. Yes I wil do that for him. Now will there be another one next year hell no. There is nothing wrong with wanting to celebrate a marriage that has already happened. There is nothing wrong with wanting to have cake drink and be around family while celebrating the fact that you're still married to your best friend. It should be that couples choice if they want to have a second wedding, renewal ceremony or even just have a reception. @Musikalbunni‌ because you don't get it or understand it that is on you. But because my loving husband wants to do it again and wants something with the whole family. I will gladly say ok my love we can that. You gave me my intimate one I can and will give you this family filled one.

southernbelle0915

JenLee217 said:

I am a woman who is leagally married, went to justice of piece and all. My option for doing so was I wanted something intimate between me and my spouse. Our family knows and yes some were upset. But we are now in the process of planning to renew those vows and have big wedding with our family in attendance. We are going the big poufy dress and tux route with a tiered cake a dj and our first dance. It may not technically be our first dance. But it's our first dance that will be witnessed and shared among our family and friends. It doesn't matter why you chose to have a JOP wedding. As long as the love is still there. And if family members are upset sorry to say this bit let's be real. That is your husband and if this is what you both want to do, then do it. And if your family loves you both they will be there to support you and not put you down. Once you're married it's you and him. If you want to celebrate it over then so. And it is a real wedding no matter how you did it, just take the opportunity to say we are renewing our vow not having a real wedding. Cause both are real. One just cost a whole hell of a lot more than the other. Trust me. 40 dollars to do justice of peace and pay for license. 12000 dollars for our wedding budget (which we're at a total of 9600 spent)

To the bolded, a vow renewal is not the same thing as a wedding. 

It sounds like you wanted the big poufy dress and family style wedding, but you also wanted "something intimate", as you say, so you went to the JOP and had your wedding there without family. So now you're using the term "vow renewal" to describe what is actually the wedding you wanted to have but didn't (because you did JOP). Am I understanding this correctly?

If so, of course you CAN (the 3 reasons you state you're doing this). I CAN host my own wedding shower. I CAN put registry information on my invitations. I CAN charge people money to attend my wedding. People CAN do pretty much anything they want. But this is a wedding etiquette board and people are only going to give good etiquette advice. PPDs are against wedding etiquette. If you're looking for a board where people do whatever they want "because they CAN", try the hive...

JenLee217

@southernbelle0915‌. No I don't want the big wedding. He does. I have a huge family and didn't want to have to do the big thing. I prefer the small.

Jells2dot0

Without going into the whole etiquette debate, I just don't get one thing:

Why have a private ceremony, which people claim they want, and then turn around and have a big party just a year or two later? Same thing with smaller DWs. What's the point of going through all of the planning of a DW just to have yet another larger party at home afterwards? 

As someone who desperately wanted a private wedding, the LAST thing I would do is plan a party to celebrate my marriage with anyone. I made my decision to keep things private for a reason. If and when I ever decide to renew my vows, no one will be invited to that either!