RSVP'd with additional guests - how to handle

scarletirishrose · July 2010

Depending on how soon the wedding is, it's better ettiquite to send a note to them saying "we regret to inform you that only 2 seats will be reserved for your party at our wedding due to having a large number of guests in attendance. Thank you for your understanding." It's best to do a phone call only if you have a month left until the wedding. You could also opt to have the wedding staff ask for their names at the wedding and not let anyone in who isn't on "the list". That may be bad etiquitte, but their etiquitte is worse...I'm sorry, but you're paying for them, not them and their guest who doesn't know you from Adam (or Eve I guess). People should only be allowed to bring dates if they're married or engaged to them...this week's fling could be in your wedding photos and video forever.

LILMOM79 · July 2010

I have only had 1 person RSVP with an xtra guest because they don't drive and this person will drive them. It was my niece so I allowed it. I did have one guest RSVP with a different person as a guest then I invited, but since her daughter and her fiance can't come I allowed that too. My only problem was today was the last day for a response because I need to give my final head count and out of 224 guests invited only 132 have responded. What do I do about the people who didn't respond especially when they are family? They aren't close family I talk to often at all, but still family and it makes me so mad!!!! I even had at least 10-15 people tell me they lost the invite and response card, but they at least called or emailed me to say yes they are or are not coming.

damaless · July 2010

I invited a few of my attendant's parents because I actually knew them fairly well and spent a lot of time at their houses growing up. One set of parents just RSVP'd with my bridesmaid's sister as an additional (uninvited) guest. I don't have any problem with her sister, but I didn't invite any of my other attendant's siblings, and I'm worried about some people having hard feelings over this one's sister being there when that one's sister wasn't invited. The venue CAN hold the extra people, but at this point I'm finalizing centerpiece numbers with the florist and trying to finalize the seating chart, and having an additional 7 or 8 people coming would kind of mess that up. How can I word it to them so that it's not about capacity or venue contracts, it's just that it's difficult for me to add last-minute guests like that?

reginacroft · July 2010

It's so funny this showed up in my email, because I am having this problem today even. I sent an invite to my "oldest" friend (we have known each other and the families since kindergarten, but are not super duper close) to her and her 5+year boyfriends. I didn't think her family would want to attend since we aren't close, so I addressed it her name only.
This morning I got her, her boyfriend, and her family of three on there. I could see WHY she would do that and I don't want to say no, but we are already way over fire code. Not sure what to do.

tware2006 · July 2010

I agree with everyone's post. I am marrying a Nigerian man, and in their culture they will show up with extra folks when they come to an invite. I am not saying that all of them do this, but it happens more often than not. Also, their weddings can go on all night (like don't end to 3am). That is not the kind of wedding we are having. It is from 6pm to 10pm and no exceptions.

I have my fiance make sure he calls in Nigerian guest so they will not bring extras. You will invite them and their spouse, and will come with momma, daddy and counsins in tow. Ridiculous. We have small guest list, and we cannot accomodate all those extra folks.

dkd2010 · July 2010

I have yet to send out our invitations so we haven't had this problem yet. Hopefully we don't. We have worded our RSVP's as "We have reserved one seat in your honor". I am hoping that it helps.

marisah83 · July 2010

I am waiting to see how many of these I get! My invites have been out for a week, so I should be getting my RSVP cards soon. My FMIL actually wanted me to allow all of the KIDS coming to bring a guest so that they "wouldn't be bored," but I nipped that idea very quickly. I did address invites so that any adult singles could bring ONE guest. We have a limited budget, and I cannot afford to feed a ton of random strangers!

achousmith · July 2010

I put number of seats reserved on all my invitations and didn't have any extra RSVPs. So it worked out well for me. i'd recommend that to anyone who thinks they might have a problem with extra invites do this.

_____ of ______ seats reservered...and then just write in the number of people invited on the second line. trust me..it's worth it!

mrssalmon · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rsvpd-additional-guests-handle?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3f7f7fdb-6b62-4dd5-8c99-ef40b5d96599Post:8a24ac4b-680d-46bc-86fc-d7c5d5e590f8">Re: RSVP'd with additional guests - how to handle</a>:
[QUOTE]Have you ever considered how incredibly awkward it is to be at a wedding where you dont know many people? Or when you are the only single? People want to celebrate this happy occasion with you and since they are people you love, maybe you let them bring someone to keep them company.
Posted by atemplin5[/QUOTE]

I know when I organised my first wedding, this came into consideration however we also considered where these people were sitting. If they were with others they knew then we did not consider it rude to not invite a guest with them. I find these extra guests quite strange, here in Australia most people know that who ever was on the invitation is who is invited, not any extras!! Children are always a problem but most people make a note of 'exclusion' on their invites if they dont want youngsters attending.

nyxiegurl · July 2010

Ummmm... Am I the ONLY Bride that has just put up with everyone else's bull%&*!? I received replies from people who I expected to say 2 and got "6" instead, why my cousin would want to bring his 4 teenaged sons to a wedding, I don't know, but I am guessing with my super red-neck alcoholic family it is for the free food. I'll be lucky if I get $20 in a card from them, or probably a dollar-shop statue! (I'm so not-kidding right now!) But, to save anyone in my family getting upset, I'm just letting them all come. And, it's like one girl said earlier, there are so many out of town guests that say no, you end up with the same number anyway. I'd NEVER be able to call/write to a family member and say "we can't accomodate your +2" because they would never speak to me again, and quite frankly I wouldn't care if they didn't, except that my mother would be left with the family gossiping about how snobby I acted, etc... We are flying from Australia to Canada so that's an added $4000 on our wedding bil, but no one seems to get that we're not there to feed everyone for free, but you SERIOUSLY CANNOT expect family to be knowledgeable in the ways of today's "Wedding etiquette" ... most of the etiquette is prissy bull anyway. My guests are getting free wine and will be paying for their drinks all night -- don't get me started on why I felt this was completely okay! I hope that there are others like me, just complete pushovers that want to make the family happy. I'm sorry, but assuming that family (well friends should know) know all this Wedding etiquette stuff is just silly. Some of these people were never married or have only been to 1 or 2 weddings in their life, it's an ok excuse! I doubt I am the first Bride to be wondering why all this etiquette stuff is so complicated anyway, there were things that I thought were just absurd, so hopefully you girls can tell me whether I'm the only one or not.

sdyarbrough · July 2010

Seriously people, it is a wedding, it is about your commitment to each other and celebrating with your family - most weddings turn into family reunions- that is a wedding tradition that should be upheld above all your pretentious ettiquette crap. Seriously? Are you putting on a broadway show? I don't think so! After after the crap I've seen posted on here - I think we'll elope. I rather serve BBQ and have everybody over to celebrate. And seriously to the bride who has tickets??? Puh-lease. you'd have mine back to give to someone else who actually gave a $h!t!

beccadanette · July 2010

I too am a push over

Don't feel bad! I hate wedding etiquette! I did put my foot down about the kids though!!

aggie&vinny2011 · July 2010

I am writing in the # of people on the RSVP card to avoid this problem. I am sure someone will be offended, but, really, an "extra" 6 people is not ok!

kltakkunen · July 2010

We actually had a situation where my FI's sister, also a bridesmaid, is single but wanted to bring a guest to "catch up with an old friend" at our wedding. She is single, not dating anyone, from out of town, and will already know about half of the guests coming. We thought it was totally inappropriate for her to use our wedding to catch up with a girlfriend, and told her that she would be busy with wedding party duties until after the dinner, as she would be sitting at the head table and wouldn't even be able to spend time with her friend until after dinner. We said that her friend was welcome to come to the reception after dinner. Her friend will not know anyone at the wedding, nor do we know her. She got so upset that she declared that she is no longer a bridesmaid, and has not talked to us since, despite our efforts to contact her to resolve the issue. This happened over one month ago and our wedding is in 2 weeks! And now her mom has informed us that she is bringing her friend to our wedding now that she is a normal guest. I guess we know what was more important to her. . .

amnsa · July 2010

Honestly, before I had anything to do with planning a wedding, I would not have realized the cost and effort involved in an extra guest at a wedding. Now that I am planning my own wedding, I'm grateful that I was never thoughtless enough to be that rude guest!

I have recently planned several non-wedding events that required RSVPs and had number limitations. Even after extensive efforts to explain the circumstances, people still returned RSVPs with 9, 10, or 11 guests. The ignorance and inconsiderate nature of people amazes me sometimes. However, it convinced me to be proactive about my invitations! I'm sure I will still have some issues, but wish me luck! Here's what I'm doing:

We don't have an issue with kids at the ceremony, but I do not want them there for the reception. (Though it's common, many people still think that's rude and inconsiderate. First of all, I'm a teacher, and I don't want to go in teacher mode because kids can't behave. It's the one day I shouldn't have to deal with it! Also, we will be serving alcohol at the reception. I don't want minors having access to it, and I don't want to watch intoxicated parents driving away with their kids hoping they make it home alive.) To take care of that, we have "Adult Cocktail & Dinner Reception to follow" on our invitations. Hopefully that will prevent any kids as extra guests. On the RSVP cards I've taken every precaution I can think of. I am including both names if it is a couple, and one name plus a line to write their guest's name for the +1. Each name has an option to select "will attend" or "will not attend." At the bottom of the card, it says "Two seats are currently reserved in your honor." There is no place to write how many will be attending, and if they want to add extras, they will have to be blatant about it and write it on there themselves. (Unfortunately, there are probably some who will.)

Good luck with this, ladies! Know that I am reading all of your responses now so I know how to handle it when the time comes!

dwbrown · July 2010

I had the very same problem and what i did was send them a note saying that i was very sorry about the confusion but there can only be 2 guests (person invited + a guest) per household and included a new rsvp card so they can firgure out among themselves who those 2 people will be and resubmit the rsvp card with the names.

IsaI · July 2010

hi all, my wedding is in Nov, so I have not had to deal with any of this and I'm hoping to never have to! But I think if you are honest and let people know what is going on they hopefully, should respect that! I know our wedding started off at close to 280 people and due to budget we had to dramatically cut back....like over a 100 people! We are sittin at 178 people right now, and trying to get down to 150....that is a HUGE cut! People need to understand times are tough and if we want the day we deserve we have to make cut and it doesn't mean we dont like or love them it's just the way it is...! Good luck eveyone! I will keep you posted!

LINZEE602 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rsvpd-additional-guests-handle?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3f7f7fdb-6b62-4dd5-8c99-ef40b5d96599Post:e1f37177-fcf0-4663-a380-9af727e5f9b9">Re: RSVP'd with additional guests - how to handle</a>:
[QUOTE]Seriously people, it is a wedding, it is about your commitment to each other and celebrating with your family - most weddings turn into family reunions- that is a wedding tradition that should be upheld above all your pretentious ettiquette crap. Seriously? Are you putting on a broadway show? I don't think so! After after the crap I've seen posted on here - I think we'll elope. I rather serve BBQ and have everybody over to celebrate. And seriously to the bride who has tickets??? Puh-lease. you'd have mine back to give to someone else who actually gave a $h!t!
Posted by sdyarbrough[/QUOTE]

As far as I knew, this thread was designated to help people handle situations where they invite 2 people and then have to pay for 10, and in most cases, people they don't even know. If you don't want to have a formal celebration where you have to pay a caterer, by all means, go elope or have your barbecue. and invite tons of people and let them bring hordes of people, if they want. You do <em>not</em>, however, have to post a rude comment about how people ARE handling their situations, when this isn't even your situation to begin with. Mind your own business, and/or go start a thread entitled: "Anyone Else Not Care About How Many Random People Show Up at Your Wedding? I am Eloping or Having a Barbecue!!"

jeffsteph1207 · July 2010

OMG! That is rude. FI and I are working on our guest list right now, and that's a battle all by itself. We're getting married next June, Save the Dates are going out soon. I really hope that we do not go through this, but it seems almost inevitable! But I'll be armed with tons of advice after reading some of your replies

Barbara L · July 2010

I responded to this post yesterday and thought of several things after I sent it. Where is RESPECT for the family of the bride and the bride herself but adding people to the list. Don't people realize weddings are expensive enough without expecting to bring more people. Also I am sure most brides are limited for space and only invite who they what at the wedding. They are very rude by trying to add to the list when the bride is trying to keep it down. I never realized there were so many rude people in this world. We have this problem this year, and next year my other daughter is getting married. Hopefully we will not have this problem again.

cannemcd · July 2010

The problem with this is that most people planning a wedding are on a budget of both money and space. My venue has a minimum of 125 people for the room we've rented, but we can't afford more than 150ish. Most people we've talked to who have either been married recently or who work in the wedding industry say that you can reasonably expect about 20-30 percent of your invites to decilne. Even my future Mother-in-Law, who has the huge family, said that we would definately get 30 'no' responses. So we invited 165 guests, figuring that was safe.

Of course now, EVERYONE is coming. We've only had about 15 declines, which puts us at 150 guests, but my Mom is panicking because she had really budgeted for more like 135 based on the number of declines we thought we'd get. This is our own fault, and we have to be prepared to take the hit because we invited these people and we are excited to celebrate with them. However, if people at this point started adding people to their RSVPs or calling and asking to bring dates, we'd be in real trouble. This adding 8 people to your RSVP stuff is ridiculous! And if you don't know anyone at a wedding, I'm sure the bride and groom would understand you not wanting to come, or coming and leaving right after dinner. We tried to make sure any singles who maybe didn't know others at t he wedding were given a date- and that should be enough. They shouldn't have the right to bring extra guests that we've never met.

On another note, we had a groomsmen who we planned space for him to have a date, just in case he started seeing someone before the wedding, and because we think people in the wedding party should get a date if they want one. When the invite went out, we did not put "and Guest" on the envelope, but we are good friends and had pretty much let him know that if he was seeing someone he could bring them, just to let us know. Instead, he decided this was a good oppourtunity to find a friend of his to invite who wasn't invited to the wedding. He called me up and listed the people he might bring- old high school friends that my fiancee doesn't talk to anymore, friends of his from college that we've never met, and even a girl who he had set up with my fiancee in the past. My fiancee had to call him and say while we're happy for him to bring a date, someone who he's in a relationship with, this wasn't a seat he had to fill, and it wasn't an opportunity for him to fill up our wedding. He totally understood. Sometimes people just have a misunderstanding about what a wedding is. Their so amped to party and want tons of people there, and forget that guest lists are veery carefully and painstakingly planned.

jcaruana81 · July 2010

I will be sending my invitations out in about 3 weeks, and after reading all these horror stories, I'm worried!!! I don't want this to happen to me but it sounds like this happens more often than not. I can't imagine doing that to someone else. I guess I just have to cross my fingers and see how it goes.

lauralulu777 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rsvpd-additional-guests-handle?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3f7f7fdb-6b62-4dd5-8c99-ef40b5d96599Post:e1f37177-fcf0-4663-a380-9af727e5f9b9">Re: RSVP'd with additional guests - how to handle</a>:
[QUOTE]Seriously people, it is a wedding, it is about your commitment to each other and celebrating with your family - most weddings turn into family reunions- that is a wedding tradition that should be upheld above all your pretentious ettiquette crap. Seriously? Are you putting on a broadway show? I don't think so! After after the crap I've seen posted on here - I think we'll elope. I rather serve BBQ and have everybody over to celebrate. And seriously to the bride who has tickets??? Puh-lease. you'd have mine back to give to someone else who actually gave a $h!t!
Posted by sdyarbrough[/QUOTE]

You do realize there's a "Snarky Brides" board on here, right? Methinks *that* is where you would fit right in. Be helpful, or be gone. Simple as that. As an aside, replacing letters with dollar signs and exclamation points may seem kinda cute to you, but it does *not* make an expletive any less offensive. Have a nice day!

JoStef · July 2010

It's not just a matter of numbers, although weddings are so pricey that's a major part of it. It's that you have invited who you WANT to be at your wedding. If you wanted the extras, you would have included them from the beginning. It is extremely rude for invitees to add to your wedding guest list. Don't feel bad about calling them and politely saying no. If they think that it's ok because your numbers are coming in lower, they are again mistaken. If you come in at or under budget, all the better!

KerrySzabolcs · July 2010

I would call and advise the guest that you were only anticipating them and a guest, and that you are simply at our limits for any other extra guest. Also, if anything changes, let them know you will call them.

amanda20212 · July 2010

I went through through a similar situation. We had talked about having no children at the wedding (there will b 1 excpetion, my 12 year old cousin. My aunt is a single mother and lives 2 hours away and really has no where to bring him bc my out of town family will be attending the wedding) so he is the exception besides my fiance & I's daughter (flower girl) she had 2 cousins her age plus a bunch of cousins on my fiance's side. We wanted to keep out wedding kid free and a time to relax and have a good night with no worries. Even our daughter will b leaving early after cake cutting. I think we spread the world pretty well. I wrote out invitations to the individuals and nvr included "and family" or "and guest" I did write one for and family and they are both over 18 that live with their parents still. The youngest is already taking care of with a sitter so she got the message and it was her choice as well to enjoy herself and not bring the lil one. I spoke with individuals who were dating someone and explained if it's serious and it's been at least 6 months you may include a guest just let me know on the response card, and if it wasn't serious then i'd rather it just be yourself due to money contraints. I also wrote on the respinse cards "adults attending _____" to give another clue as to no children. I started getting RSVP cards and I got 1 that said their names n meal n wrote 2 adults attending and then on the bottom of the card they wrote "+ 2 kids." i was going crazy n was like really i thought i dropped enough clues n word got around. Well i called my MIL b/c it's her neice and she said we would figure it out. All i kept thinking was why wouldnt u want a night kid free to have a good adult free time? but it was taken care of a week or 2 later at our jack & jill shower. The aunt that isn't bringing the 2 year old asked her flat out "so who are you getting to watch the kids for the wedding?" and she was kind of like Huh? so she explained who was watching him and said well whoever watches your 2 maybe they could meet up for a playdate while were at the wedding. lol well turns out it's taken care of and I didn't have to confront anyone. So good luck!

liditg · July 2010

I have a similar situation, but a little different. I asked for the in laws guest list in march when I ordered the invites and now in July my wedding is in Oct and we are already over our max of reception quests my MIL gives me 8 new people to add whom my fiance has no idea who they are! UGH!!! so frustrating!! Im just inviting them to the dance celebration. SORRY!

Bailey2be2011 · July 2010

@ atemplin5 - I considered the fact that some people may want to bring someone to keep them company b/c they won't know too many people at our wedding. We have done our best to invite extras that would get along with some of the people we REALLY want there. So far the problematic people are close relatives that think they are above the other guests and think they are the exception to the rule. It is our day and WE are paying for it and are already limited on the # of guests and hate that we had to cut friends from the list b/c of the mandatory family members that we could care less if they came. Those family members of course are the ones trying to run the show... UGH! It is NOT a family reunion; it is a party to celebrate our new future together. I want to have fun with the people that I socialize with and get along with.

Bailey2be2011 · July 2010

I think that a phone call should go out to all the people that didn't respond. You could always have other people do it. For example, have your mom call the extended family that didn't respond b/c she probably knows them better. All my guests have to choose a meat for their dinner (it was cheaper than doing buffet - go figure). If they don't respond I obviously can't have a meal ready for them. All orders have to be submitted 2 weeks prior to the wedding.

WhitneyLyn85 · July 2010

I know this will not solve the problem completely, but in regards to guests including their children who are not invited, we have put on our RSVP cards:
____ Adults Attending
____ Unable to Attend
I'll be sending the Invites out in about 3 weeks, and I'm hoping this helps in some way!
Good Luck everyone!

RSVP'd with additional guests - how to handle

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