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I need some help.

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Re: I need some help.

  • I think you should do what is best for you.  He isn't behaving like he's your family, so you don't have to either.  I'm glad that you're willing to leave if he keeps being so ridiculous.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6bfe5c83-8fc5-4d8d-8d01-96cca69dd9e5Post:6ddae55d-bd2e-4c68-aebf-1ebe726ca6a7">Re: I need some help.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Night, I am prepared to leave. I'm leaving this weekend to make the first step, and just telling people is going to help me make that step too. I've put up with this because I don't want the shame of a failed marriage 2 months in, but the more people I tell, the more I feel better about my decision.
    Posted by mwhitson14[/QUOTE]

    Don't be ashamed of it if that's what needs to be done.  Don't get your credit and life ruined over his stupid ass.  Personally, I would contact a lawyer and just ask them how to handle this.  I'm not saying you should make a decision immediately, but I would get some legal advice just in case it does come to that.  Like someone else said, you might still be able to get an annulment.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6bfe5c83-8fc5-4d8d-8d01-96cca69dd9e5Post:6ddae55d-bd2e-4c68-aebf-1ebe726ca6a7">Re: I need some help.</a>:
    [QUOTE]OWN, he's never made a cent. He's never even placed to hope to win money. Never. Jasmineh, they know he's not helping and they're ok with that. They have told me I need to stop going out to eat or spending time with my friends because then I'd have extra money and wouldn't have to work 3 jobs. Sorry, but I'm not giving up my friends. Kiki, yeah. It's something that really needs to be started around 18 (which he did) and work really hard at it continuously (which he hasn't). The medical bills won't phase him. Mandy, thanks for everything you just said. It feels good to know I'm not crazy. Night, I am prepared to leave. I'm leaving this weekend to make the first step, and just telling people is going to help me make that step too. <strong>I've put up with this because I don't want the shame of a failed marriage 2 months in, but the more people I tell, the more I feel better about my decision.</strong>
    Posted by mwhitson14[/QUOTE]
    Good. Don't be ashamed. You're not the one sabbotaging the relationship. You had no idea it was going to happen like this, so please don't beat yourself up or think that you did something horribly wrong.
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  • edited May 2010
    Whit - don't get overly concerned/hung up about whether or not there might be another woman.  Because even if there isn't, the way he is treating you right now is unacceptable behaviour for any marriage.  Don't convince yourself that this will be okay, just as long as he's not cheating on you.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6bfe5c83-8fc5-4d8d-8d01-96cca69dd9e5Post:60563f7b-b836-42bc-8001-515785ce1f02">Re: I need some help.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Nebb, I agree. I don't want to say it's another girl, but that's the feeling I get. Like there's another woman going, "She doesn't love you. She doesn't support you. If she really loved you, she'd support you. You deserve someone that supports you." I have no reason to think that, but it's how I feel. Posted by mwhitson14[/QUOTE]

    Isn't there a Garth Brooks song about a bronc rider? "Wild Horses, keep dragging me away. And I'll lose more than I'm gonna win someday" Sometimes chasing that belt buckle is the other woman.
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  • I completely, absolutely agree with Mandy.  And I'm so sorry, I can't even imagine having to go through this.

    He's a sinking ship.  If his family, his friends, everyone but you are saying GO FOR IT!!1!11, he's gonna go for it.  Douchebag move, but it is what it is.  Get out before you get pulled under too.  Seriously.  I'm sorry, but it's what it looks like from my end.  I doubt he has any comprehension of the seriousness of what he's doing, really.  This is something you do as a bachelor, before you get married and settle down.  That ship sailed, and the one he's on is sinking.

    *tons and tons of hugs*  *and kleenex if necessary*
  • There's no shame in doing what is best for yourself and your future, Whit.  I'm so glad you are able to make that first step for the weekend, that is a very hard one but so important in figuring out what the next steps will be to resolve these issues.

  • There's more shame staying IN a failed marriage, than there is getting out of one whit.

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  • Arbolita, absolutely. It's not even about the money, not really. It's his way, or I'm not supporting him. He's not trying to compromise or even work with me for a solution. It's just, well, you can't support me, don't be with me.

    MrsB, I know :( I really don't think he is, because he's home with me almost every night, and he doesn't have the money to ahve another woman, lol.

    Woodie, that's the feeling I get too.
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  • I'm so sorry. Your husband? Fucking ridiculous. His parents? Ditto. You? Totally right and not deserving this.

    How does his debt affect you? I'm not sure about what being married means in the US in terms of sharing debt, but if his bills don't touch you, then I'd make sure the health bills are in his name and let him deal with it. Simple math says you only have so many hours in the day to work, you're only earning so much, and your expenses are more than that.

    I hope he comes to his senses sometime soon. And I would point blank say next time you talk "look, you're not so stupid as to expect me to work a 4th job or stop paying the bills so you can play cowboy, so what's the real motivation behind all this?" Because I agree, the underlying issue here is not bull riding.
  • Also, I agree with everything Tree has said.

    And I'll just say I'm so sorry again. :(
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  • salt78salt78 member
    5000 Comments
    edited May 2010
    I have no real advice, but I'm really sorry you're going through this, Whit. *hugs*

    EDIT: And NEVER be ashamed of leaving. It's more shameful to stay in a dead end situation. 
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  • Whit - that's really what makes me upset for you, because it should not be so easy for him to be willing to let you go like that.
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  • I just can't even fathom this - he's making you out to be the bad guy, so basically he doesn't even have to take responsibility for fuucking up the one good thing in his life.   Do what is right for you.  There is NO shame in that.  Take your time and be clear, but be strong, too. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6bfe5c83-8fc5-4d8d-8d01-96cca69dd9e5Post:60563f7b-b836-42bc-8001-515785ce1f02">Re: I need some help.</a>:
    [QUOTE]TR, he knows I'm not going to pay them. He's ok with ruining his credit; what does he need credit for? He's giong to be a full time bullrider making thousands of dollars he can pay cash for everything! </sarcasm />
    Posted by mwhitson14[/QUOTE]

    That is so, so scary.  I know it would be really hard and I can't even say for certain that I would be able to, but if this is how it's going to be I think leaving is the best option for you.  You don't want to get sucked into this only to realize years from now that you need to leave and your credit is ruined too.  It happened to my mom and it took her credit a long time to recover.
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  • Navy, he hasn't. I have, have done so for a while now. He's never had to do that, and I thought he understood how it was going to have to work. And it's been fine for a couple months, and now in the past couple weeks, since the last rent was due on the 15th, it's imploded.

    Mandy, I think it's his evil fucking mother too.
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  • Whit, I'm giving you a big virtual hug right now while I simultaneously kick your H in the balls.

    I cannot comprehend his mentality of "acceptwhat I want to do or leave."  I do agree with PP who said it sounds like there is more to the story (not necessarily someone else but definitely something else).
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  • Whit, please, PLEASE talk to a lawyer about making sure his debt from medical bills can't affect you.  And, do that right away.  If you stay together, it won't be a bad thing to have done, and if you split, it could save you thousands and years of bad credit. 

    Walking away from this mess would not be shameful - staying in a marriage with a husband who doesn't respect you would be.  If he isn't willing to change his tune, you need to change into running shoes and get the eff out.
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  • Also, if you decide to end things, don't be ashamed. A friend of mine is getting divorced after being married a year before they separated. Part of what kept him there was "what people would think", but he would have saved himself a hell of a lot of heartache if he'd have left when he first wanted to, and no one would have loved him or supported him any less. I'm all for trying to work things out, but in the end if it's not working, you're better off saving yourself than trying to save face.
  • Emily, his debt won't touch me. Thank goodness. If we get a divorce, it'll be a simple matter of changing my name back. We have nothing together.

    Arbolita, I agree, and that's what hurts the most. I said last night, "You're willing to let me go over this? You're willing to quit your job and do this, and if I walk, you're ok with that?" He said, "No, I'm not ok with that, but you're the one making the decision to leave and you're the one that won't support me. I'm not quitting over you."
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  • I'm sorry Whit.

    I hate to say it but it sounds like he does not want to be married and he is using bull riding as a dumb excuse instead of just being a man and coming out and saying it.   

    From where I'm sitting he would rather you be the bad guy by not supporting his dream instead of him being the bad guy by not wanting to be married. 

    And please do not think I think it's because he does not love you.  I'm sure he does in his own way.  It just seems to me from his past behavior and now he just is not mature enough to be married quite yet.






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  • Whit, I am so sorry that you're dealing with all of this. I don't think that you're overreacting in the slightest.

    The only advice I have for you has already been given. Continue to try to talk to him about it and I would definitely try to see if he'll go to counseling with you. He clearly isnt' communicating properly with you and his unwillingness to compromise is ridiculous.

    I sing as a hobby, but I would never expect H to let me pursue that as a career because it's unrealisitic.

    What he is doing is unrealisitic. He needs to come to terms with that.

    I really am so, so sorry. Please let me know if you need anything else.
  • The underlying issue here is he's not ready to be an adult, and he's going the dickish route by making you make the decision to end it and let him go back to being a happy go lucky teenager with no worries.  Anyone who judges you for this situation and making the decision that needs to be made is also a douchebag.

    Short story, friend of mine got married.  Things were good for 6 months, then he started playing Halo, a lot.  Pretty much every waking moment.  They did nothing together, he kept getting in trouble at work for being late or leaving early.  She busted her asss working 2 jobs to make ends meet.  They got divorced a year into the marriage.  She's now engaged to a much better man, expecting their first baby in December.  I havent' seen her this happy in many, many years.  She still got screwed over in the divorce with the house, but she's so much better off now.
  • squirrly, I'll doublecheck but I feel like it's not going to.
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  • Yes, ditto pp that you should NOT be ashamed to leave.  It will take time, but when he inevitably ends up broke and/or hurt, and essentially a man-child with no idea how to take care of himself, you will know that you were a stronger and smarter woman for leaving than for staying.
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  • So sorry about this Whit.  I hope it doesn't bring your marriage to an end, but if it does, just be glad it's only a few months in and not years and years in. 

    Keep your head up, think through your decisions and do what's in your heart. 

    He sounds off his rocker.  Maybe marriage is overwhelming for him and he feels like he has to show you don't control him.  (which is stupid, because you support him).  But you know guys think all backwards. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6bfe5c83-8fc5-4d8d-8d01-96cca69dd9e5Post:03cd3a71-9099-4d2b-967c-13e8d3de2a28">Re: I need some help.</a>:
    [QUOTE] I said last night, "You're willing to let me go over this? You're willing to quit your job and do this, and if I walk, you're ok with that?" He said, "No, I'm not ok with that, but you're the one making the decision to leave and you're the one that won't support me. I'm not quitting over you."
    Posted by mwhitson14[/QUOTE]
    This is complete tripe, Whit.  He is saying that he is willing to let you leave.  He is making this about his "dream," when it definitely affects you as much if not more than it affects him.
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  • Geez, I leave for lunch and I come back to this?  Whit, I can't even begin to say how sorry I am to read all of this.  I think everyone has said whatever I would be able to say.  But I'll say a few things anyway.  A marriage is a partnership.  It's fine to sacrifice for one person's dream but only if you are both in it together, only if you have a realistic way to make ends meet that doesn't involve one person working their ass off unwillingly, only when you know it's something that actually has a future. 

    How does he think you would be able to pay the bills if he quit his job?  Realistically, did he have an idea for that.  I mean, geez if you're already working 3 jobs what more could you possibly do?

    His reaction sounds immature Whit.  You don't walk out over something like this.  If he really wants this, you both need to sit down together and figure out how or if it could work, how bills would get paid, how life would work.  If you do that and both realize it's just not possible right now, then he needs to wait and work and save money until it is possible.  That's what adults do. 

    I'm sorry Whit.
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    [QUOTE]I don't get how he could let you bust your ass so he can go off riding into the sunset.  What the fuuck man?!   Mike would never allow that.  NEVER.  He supports me wanting a part time job to pay for new furniture and stuff like that, but no way would he allow that.  He has it in his head that he's going to take care of ME.  And while I don't necessarily agree with that either, there needs to be give and take and it needs to even out eventually.  WHEN'S IT GOING TO BE WHIT'S TURN? 
    Posted by mandysmear[/QUOTE]

    Exactly! FI has talked about me quitting my job to go to school full time. The difference? We would have to tighten our belts, but we could probably pay our bills on FI's salary. And grad school is a laudable goeal (or so I hear), not a pipe dream. And FI and I are on the same page about our goals.
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  • edited May 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6bfe5c83-8fc5-4d8d-8d01-96cca69dd9e5Post:03cd3a71-9099-4d2b-967c-13e8d3de2a28">Re: I need some help.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Arbolita, I agree, and that's what hurts the most. I said last night, "You're willing to let me go over this? You're willing to quit your job and do this, and if I walk, you're ok with that?" He said, "No, I'm not ok with that, but you're the one making the decision to leave and you're the one that won't support me. I'm not quitting over you."
    Posted by mwhitson14[/QUOTE]

    True, you are the one not supporting him, but that's because you are intelligent enough not to support his delusion.

    Unless he is willing to start thinking about "we" instead of "I/me", you will be having this exact same conversation throughout the rest of your marriage, anytime he wants to do something impractical.
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