Wedding Etiquette Forum

I need some help.

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Re: I need some help.

  • NebbNebb member
    10000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    Does he not have any concept of how the bills are going to get paid if he does this?! Did he say anything about how the bills will get paid if he rides, or did he just get accusatory with you?
  • I keep thinking something else must be seriously wrong for him to jump so quickly from "riding bulls is fun on the weekends" to "if you can't support my dream I'm leaving". He's not even giving YOU a choice, and that makes me sick. You lose either way.
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  • I just want to come down there and yell at him AND his parents.  My god.  He's married now.  He's a husband and as such, he has RESPONSIBILITIES.

    Do you think he'd listen to me?  If I yelled loud enough and long enough maybe?  I'll try to limit the ehs, eh.

    "You can take your etiquette and shove it!" ~misscarolb
  • Whit, i am so sorry.

    I just read all of this to H and his question was "did she get the keys from him".
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  • Mrs.B6302007Mrs.B6302007 member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited May 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6bfe5c83-8fc5-4d8d-8d01-96cca69dd9e5Post:6ba03ca8-9789-42a9-88d3-774ddb3e7def">Re: I need some help.</a>:
    [QUOTE]His parents sound like gigantic douchebags. You are not a bad wife, and don't you let them make you think for one second that you are.
    Posted by laurenclaire1386[/QUOTE]


    Ditto.  Being a supportive wife =/= being a 3 job working doormat.


    ETA: And not that I think you're being a doormat.  I meant that their opinion of being supportive should not be defined as his way or no way.
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  • L-BrideL-Bride member
    500 Comments
    edited May 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6bfe5c83-8fc5-4d8d-8d01-96cca69dd9e5Post:73a25ef4-4a4a-458b-aa1b-5a4821ea6eca">Re: I need some help.</a>:
    [QUOTE]LBride, they absolutely support him and have already told him I'm a bad wife for not supporting him in his dream.
    Posted by mwhitson14[/QUOTE]

    Oh my God. If there's no one who he respects to tell him that this is deplorable behavior then that scares me.

    I just can't fathom being left like that. That's almost a deal breaker for me. When married you don't pick up and leave to live with mommy and daddy again. I hope a bull runs over your husband's stupid head.
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  • You already knew his parents were big coddling douchebags, though, right?  They can kiss my big white ass.  If they want to pay your bills, then they can support his dream. 

    You are in an awful, awful position, and to be honest, it would take a lot to forgive my husband if he put me in such an awful position.  I just want to give you a hug.  It's kinda rare that one person is completely, 100%, no question,  in the right, but in this case, you ARE. 
  • Whit, I don't have much advice beyond what people have already given you, but I'm pissed for you. At him, and at his  parents for validating such ridiculous behavior.

    *Hugs* and you'll be in my T&P.
  • First of all your inlaws are assholes.

    Second of all, your husband is being a douche bag.  Selfish, spoiled, immature, irresponsible brat. 

    Third of all hugs.

    Fourth of all.  YOU ARE NOT IN THE WRONG.  I AM NOT BEING BIASED HERE.  TEAM WHIT ALL THE WAY! 

    And sorry but $200 rent?  The dude should be able to afford that no problem.  It's not exactly peanuts to me, but it's more than reasonable.


    "It's shart week." -georgiabride
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  • edited May 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6bfe5c83-8fc5-4d8d-8d01-96cca69dd9e5Post:c360bfaf-89cd-4e60-803c-2b4c50c6e7da">Re: I need some help.</a>:
    [QUOTE]I keep thinking something else must be seriously wrong for him to jump so quickly from "riding bulls is fun on the weekends" to "if you can't support my dream I'm leaving". He's not even giving YOU a choice, and that makes me sick.
    Posted by lizstill13[/QUOTE]

    I agree with this.

    I'm so sorry to hear this Whit. You deserve so much better.
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  • Wow Whit, this is awful. I'm so sorry.
    When FI and I were first dating, he did something similar. We had been together for two years. We had our first place, and I was working three jobs while he barely worked at all. It was not good, and it was creating a ton of problems. I got to a point where I just couldn't have all the responsibility on me, and we broke up. We dated other people for a while, while remaining friends. We wanted to work things out, but a lot had to change, including him finding a full time job. I had to make some big changes too. We lived apart for about 7 months and made sure we had thigns figure out before we got back together.
    I think he needs to realize that you are serious about this. I also think he needs to understand that there is a difference between pursuing your dreams and shirking your responsibilities. So what? You should work your ass off to support him and everything he wants? You are equally important in this relationship.
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  • mica178mica178 member
    5000 Comments Fourth Anniversary 5 Love Its
    I was going to guess head injury causing a (hopefully transient) loss of judgment until I read that your H's parents support his dream.  Hobbies and careers are two separate things, especially when the hobbie is something that could leave him badly injured, paralysed or dead.  I hope either he or your in-laws come to his/their senses.  :(
  • Okay, no fuucking way would that fly with me.  If you could live comfortably on one job, that's a different story, but if you're working more than fulltime, nuh uh, not gonna happen.  He couldn't come up with less than $500 for rent and some utilities?  There's something wrong with that.

    I'm so, so sorry he's being a child.  I know nothing about bull riding, but I'm sure 95% of the people that get involved are not making any money doing it, and it is just a hobby next to a full time job.

    I'd say talk to the counselor, I'm glad you have that set up already.  See how that goes.
  • Like PP said, I'm also wondering if there's some underlying issue (and he may not even be conscious or aware of it) that's making him act out like this. Whit, you're a smart girl and you wouldn't have chosen to marry someone who does ridiculous stuff like this. It seems so out of left field.
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    Whatever you hatters be hattin. -Tay Prince
  • Holy novel. Sorry,
    I just want you to know that I went through something similar. I'm here if you need to talk.
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  • You're not overreacting. I am so sorry you have to deal with this. I

    Is there any way he can get a job at one of the stables or something (I'm a city girl, I know nothing about bull riding, mind you) part time?
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  • Wow, I'm sorry Whit :(  Can you talk to a (male) friend of his and see if they can talk to him?  I'm not sure if his friends support it but maybe him hearing another guy's perspective will help.  He of course needs to talk to you, you are his wife, but if this is just a stage then maybe his friends will help him see what he is doing to you and your relationship. 
  • I'm so sorry.  I wish there was something that I could do to help.  I really hope things work out for you. 
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  • edited May 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6bfe5c83-8fc5-4d8d-8d01-96cca69dd9e5Post:a848ab68-d400-4db7-8675-ae6f0e77ce9b">Re: I need some help.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Dude.  I don't know what to say but you're not over reacting.  Getting passtionate about his interests/hobby?  Okay.  Quitting his job?  No, that's not okay.  I'm really, really sorry that you're going through this.
    Posted by Mrs.B6302007[/QUOTE]

    This. Megan, it's not that you aren't supporting him. It's that HE is not supporting YOU. He isn't listening to your concerns, which are well-founded. I'm sure if this were something he were doing once a month, and/or there wasn't an entry fee, you'd be much, much more okay with it. And THAT is the kind of compromise he needs to come up with.

    I wouldn't approch him by saying, "Whatever Shane, I'm 100% right here," but wow, he's behaving like a child. Will his mom tell him to man up or will she coddle him?

    We all have certain things that are dealbreakers for us. Some make perfect sense (cheating), some are just random quirks that our spouses might not understand. But the point is, they should RESPECT our feelings, even if they have trouble seeing out side, because they should respect US, correct? So saying, "Yes, I know you LOVE bull riding, but I do NOT want your to do it full time" should not be a huge issue. A discussion or two, yes, but not something that he finds totally out of left field.

    I really hope your counseling appointment and spending the weekend with a friend helps a lot!
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6bfe5c83-8fc5-4d8d-8d01-96cca69dd9e5Post:7f75bafd-ecd3-48a3-8300-4f3031712df3">Re: I need some help.</a>:
    [QUOTE]First of all your inlaws are assholes. Second of all, your husband is being a douche bag.  Selfish, spoiled, immature, irresponsible brat.  Third of all hugs. Fourth of all.  YOU ARE NOT IN THE WRONG.  I AM NOT BEING BIASED HERE.  TEAM WHIT ALL THE WAY!  And sorry but $200 rent?  The dude should be able to afford that no problem.  It's not exactly peanuts to me, but it's more than reasonable.
    Posted by mandysmear[/QUOTE]

    Amen.

    Whit dearest, I know it's hard, but you've seriously got to grab him round the balls and tell him how it's going to be. He's an adult, he needs to act like one and be responsible. This is ridiculous and I agree in thinking that there may be something he's not even aware of that's contributing to this asshattery.
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  • Ha bec :) He did get stepped on his knee really badly, and he's been to the dr. He has to go again next Friday. X-Rays and MRI. With no insurance. The hospital bills, that haven't even came in yet, are making my stomach hurt.


    Nebb, it really has come out of left field. We went to dinner Tuesday night and he was just acting so strange, I even texted Kel about it. We got into that night about him quitting, and then we sat down more calmly last night to talk.


    LC, they are.

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  • The fact that he's not going to counseling is a huge red flad.  HUGE.  I get older generations don't believe in it.  But he's in his 20s in 2010.  Yeah, get with the times.  Counseling does not mean you're completely fuucked up. 

    He's either a) in denial that he's a douche bag or b) he's scared that he's going to hear something he doesn't like

    "It's shart week." -georgiabride
    "This post is seriously retarded." -Stackeye210
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  • Okay, so from what I know of rodeo they are primarily evening and weekend. He could totally work during the day. It sounds like he just doesn't want to.
    Also, he would have to travel. Where does he plan on getting the money to travel, pay entrance fees, lodging, food, etc?
    And, rodeo is very competitive. We have a team at my school, and it is difficult to even get on the team.
    Are his mommy and daddy going to pay for these things when you can't?
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6bfe5c83-8fc5-4d8d-8d01-96cca69dd9e5Post:00c97714-6c28-4924-af92-e61f7dbfa7a8">Re: I need some help.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: I need some help. : Amen. Whit dearest, I know it's hard, but you've seriously got to grab him round the balls and tell him how it's going to be. He's an adult, he needs to act like one and be responsible. This is ridiculous and I agree in thinking that there may be something he's not even aware of that's contributing to this asshattery.
    Posted by alixzafiris[/QUOTE]

    Or you could cut them off completely.  maybe he'll lose his stupid man brain at the same time.
    The Bee Hive Est. June 30, 2007
    "So I sing a song of love, Julia"
    06.10.10

    BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
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  • NebbNebb member
    10000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    I hate to say it whit but I have a sick feeling theres WAY more going on than just bull riding. The bull riding is just an excuse.
  • edited May 2010
    Maybe the wanting to ride bulls full time came out of nowhere, but based on your post that going to premarital counseling caused a huge arguement and the way he is acting now, it seems to me that he has little to no respect for you/your relationship, and something like that builds up over time.

    I honestly think you need to take a few days away from him, either with him staying at his parents or you going to your parents, and figure out what you want and how much you are willing to put up with.  You can't change the way he thinks or feels, but you can control how you respond to it.  I think meeting with a counselor on your own is a great thing, and I hope that he gets his head out of his ass and does the same.  But even if he does, it's highly likely that the issues he needs to work out will take a long time.

    I'm sorry you are dealing with this Whit. 
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  • Whit, the only thing that you might have wrong about this situation is not being mad ENOUGH and not being sure ENOUGH that you're right.  Because you are.  He's being a tool.  Seriously.  That's not a stunt he should pull with a roommate, girlfriend, or fiance - let alone with his wife. 

    Problem number one - his parents.  He's never had to be an adult, and I'm thinking he's not enjoying it.  They need to kick his ass outta that house and tell him to grow up and find a way.  If he can bull ride and still pay the bills, that's one thing, but it shouldn't even be a discussion if he can't.

    Problem number two - does he have a clue about money?  Is he capable of comprehending being fiscally responsible? 

    I just can't fathom how your H could leave you to work three jobs and him work none so that he can go play when he wants.  I can't.  And I'm sorry if this sounds harsh - but you're too smart to tolerate that.  Whatever choice you make, and however you handle it - do it with backbone. 
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  • L-BrideL-Bride member
    500 Comments
    Tell him you will support his bull riding but he also has to support your dream of becoming an astronaut.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6bfe5c83-8fc5-4d8d-8d01-96cca69dd9e5Post:6497a17e-7591-4647-bbea-e9c0a93e8619">Re: I need some help.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ha bec :) He did get stepped on his knee really badly, and he's been to the dr. He has to go again next Friday. X-Rays and MRI. With no insurance. The hospital bills, that haven't even came in yet, are making my stomach hurt.
    Posted by mwhitson14[/QUOTE]

    Would he just not care if you said you weren't going to pay those medical bills?  Would he just let them pile up and ruin his credit?  Or would his parents pay them?
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  • Oh Whit.  I'm so sorry that this is happening.  He is being completely awful to you.  He's not being respectful to you as a person, or to you as his wife.  I am so, so sorry, love.  Frown  Feel free to text me if you need/want to.
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