FFIL is driving me crazy!!!!!

PiperS · August 2009

OMG we had a few drinks after work with everyone we worked with. It was never a one on one thing. we never even talked on the phone.

PiperS · August 2009

maybe i should clarify the fact that we are bartenders. we worked next to each other behind a bar. it gives you a lot of time to get to know each other. he had never cheated on her or anyone. he is just not that kind of guy. we just had a chemistry i can't explain. i don't think either of us will ever have that with anyone else. you should understand the chemistry i am talking about since you are all either married or getting married.

SwedishChick2011 · August 2009

Piper, if you were always going out as a group, how did you guys figure out you had feelings for each other? You had to have had some one-on-one time, and probably quite a bit. Not saying you or your FI are bad people, but just that I don't think you're admitting to everything.

amalama · August 2009

Okay I see both sides to this, but I don't think the fact that he did this once makes her doomed to get dumped for another girl. I can totally understand being "comfortable" with someone that you have been with awhile. It doesn't make him a horrible person. I also do not understand why some people seem to think that it isn't her place to say she doesn't want to do all these things for her FFIL. It is her house, and her money (or will be I guess, I don't know how their finances work). I don't know how much money this is costing them, but I think she has a right to draw a line. Personally, I think paying for golf wouldn't be that big of a deal, but she hasn't elaborated that much on how much money they give him unless I missed something. Same with staying with them all the time. There comes a point when helping out your family is really hurting you (and them) more than the help is worth. I think it is worth discussing with her FI. I'm not saying she shouldn't be supportive, but I don't think she just has to do whatever everyone else wants. In my opinion, that will just lead to her resenting her FFIL, FMIL, and her FI.

samissah · August 2009

Piper, why do you even feel the need to explain your situation with any of these women?..you called it, alot of women on here love drama, it is what it is..ignore the drama queens and pay attention to those who have advice for you.Nobody on here is an angel so give it a rest.

salt78 · August 2009

He didn't either, but whatever. There is nothing you are ever going to say to make me think that what happened was ok. And to answer your previous question...it took 4 years for me to fall in love with FI. We were friends, and I was always attracted to him, but he never knew that and I never would have been with him if he had to break up with someone else to be with me.

PiperS · August 2009

i didn't tell him that i was in love with him. i just knew i was. it could happen to anyone on here if they are with the wrong person. i think i have less of a chance than anyone because he knows what it feels like to be in a relationship with someone you don't love. his mom even said to me that he never looked at her the way he does me and i believe her. thanks for all the advice on my FFIL though!

SarahSmile23 · August 2009

i could care less if you think i am stupid.this was debated a week or so ago. it's "i couldn't care less."and i don't think you're stupid. i just think that your "how we met story" does seem to brag that he thought you were so awesome he left his current gf for you. it doesn't say "it was over between them anyway so meeting me was the final nail in the coffin of their relationship. it's all in the phrasing.

zippityb · August 2009

Yeah, I think I'd have left out the already having a girlfriend part of the "how we met" story. Just that you two worked together and fell in love that way -- simple editing.

PiperS · August 2009

coco-- from 8pm til 4am every friday and saturday it was just the two of us behind a bar together. thats how we got to know each other so well.i guess i should put a different spin on the way i worded the story. i didn't mean to sound like a homewrecker, because i wasn't. back to FFIL we have given him around 700 dollars this year. it is financially hard on us. the only reason i don't complain to FI about it more is because i am afraid if he can't pay his rent he will be moving in with us. i am hoping rehab and counseling will help, but its not the first time and it hasn't helped before.

MissIntentional · August 2009

i too can somewhat identify with both sides of this story. i agree with the pp's who said some parts of the "how we met" should be left out. most of us don't have some glamorous or romantic story. obviously saying your fi left his gf for you is going to ruffle the feathers of anyone who has been in her shoes.

tlv204 · August 2009

I'm with Nugget hardcore on this one.

Soon-to-be Mrs. Vogt · August 2009

I think there are a couple of things - regardless of what your FI's behavior is/was, you can only control what you do. And developing feelings for someone who is in a relationship is not a good plan of action. You can't help who you fall for true, but you shouldn't have continued to even persue a friendship until one of two things happened: your FI was no longer in a relationship, or you were completely over your feelings. You consciously knew what was happening. Second, the very fact that you bring up an ex in your how you met story is troubling to me. The way you tell it, she's always linked to you. I don't know about others, but I prefer not to think of FI's ex's when I think of all our happy memories. Third, I have no problem with a guy having female friends while he's in a relationship. What I do have a problem with is that if that relationship was troubled, having issues, whatever - he shouldn't have been out flirting with other girls, he should have been addressing the problems with his girlfriend. And if it's not a salvagable relationship, then he should have ended it, taken the time to get over everything, and then moved on to finding someone else to date. Finally, I've been in a long term relationship where things were obviously going to end. There is no way I didn't know that things were souring. Yes, I wanted to work on them and give our relationship another try, but I knew things we're going badly. You don't live through something like that and "just not realize it." And when my ex-FI went out and went to the bar with another girl, it was a slap in the face. I couldn't have cared less if he had female friends, it's that he was running to them when we fought, flirting with them, disregarding our relationship in public, and keeping things from me. It sounds like that's what your FI was doing with his ex, and I don't think I could fully trust someone who does something like that unless I'm in deep denial.

Calypso1977 · August 2009

I don't know what he is going to do the night of our wedding. i guess he will stay with her. id plan to get a room with a king size bed if i were you, you may need it.the man i dated before i met my H had an emotional affair on me. i can tell you that it was more painful than if he just went out and slept with some ho. when someone is sharing their innermost thoughts with you, and flirting wtih you, instead of doing those things with their spouse/SO, that's a major problem. co-worker affairs happen ALL THE TIME. in my book, once a cheater, always a cheater. if this guy did this once, he will probably do it again. but, like all women (and men) in love, i'm sure you think "but its different this time, i'm the right person, he'd never do that to ME"

tidetravel · August 2009

Vogt - I

you. That is all.

mandysmear · August 2009

haha, calypso said "ho".

Calypso1977 · August 2009

just looked at OP's profile, under how we met there is no mention of the ex. did she take it out?

NuggetBrain · August 2009

STOP PROJECTING. What happened to you sucks, but it doesn't mean that its exactly what happened to everyone else. Just because you aren't okay with what happened, doesn't mean this dude's ex girlfriend isn't okay with what happened. And for all the folks who had horrible boyfriends who left them after they knew the relationship was going south, would you have preferred he didn't leave you and you never would have met the man you're about to marry now? So what are you pissed about, that you got out of a relationship that you knew was headed nowhere fast, and in doing so found the love of your life?

danieliza1127 · August 2009

This whole debate is so confusing for me. I can clearly see the points that both sides make.

salt78 · August 2009

[i]haha, calypso said "ho".[/i] HAHA that makes me happy.

PiperS · August 2009

he didn't share innermost thoughts with me or even talk bad about her. we just laugh and had so much fun while working, like i said before we are bartenders so its already a fun job. the way he described his relationship with her is that they were kinda like roomates. they didn't fight or anything and they work opposite schedules. there was no passion. thanks nugget, sammisah, and a few others who actually get it. one thing you girls were right about is that it didn't sound right in my profile. i guess i didn't have to give all the details of exactly how we met.

gkb0910 · August 2009

STOP PROJECTING. People's opinions are made based on their previous life experiences. I think it'd be a shame not to learn from them. Perhaps the situation isn't the exact same as some of the other people's, but it sure does seem similiar. If you don't learn from history, you're doomed to repeat it.I see both sides of these situation, but NB's attitude about it is bothersome to me.

sarah0725 · August 2009

I'm with Nugget on this one as well. Piper, stick to your guns. I've been around for a while, and for some reason sometimes people decide to gang up on one of the new kids. That seems to be you this week, but if you stick with it, it will die down.A lot of us have been in relationships with horrible cheaters. It can make one very sensitive. I've been in two, and I know, and I look for the warning signs. I also know that it's very easy to take a small amount of information given on the internet, especially if it's not explained well, and turn it into a much bigger story by filling in your own experiences. Things can get way blown out of proportion this way. I've seen it happen loads of times on this board and elsewhere.For instance: The first time I kissed FI, I was dating his best friend at the time.If I just told you that, you'd think I was horrible, right? But the whole story involves the fact that I was 17 at the time, the fact that FI's friend was cheating on me (school girlfriend) and his other GF (home girlfriend) and every knew but the two of us, the fact that we lost touch for years and reconnected, etc. Oh, and the fact that this happened eight years ago, and FI and his best friend are still friends and we see them socially.You never know what's going on in someone else's relationship unless you're in it.

NuggetBrain · August 2009

I see both sides of these situation, but NB's attitude about it is bothersome to me.Why, because I'm asking people to stop only using their life experiences to relate to this? I have no life experience with the loss of a spouse, does that mean that I'm not qualified to empathize with someone who has lost a spouse? I don't have any kids, but that doesn't mean I need life experience to know that letting them play with antifreeze is a bad idea. Use your life experiences, but accept the fact that your life experiences do not equal all experiences, and that its completely possible that another person's situation, while on the surface similar to yours, might in fact be completely different. How is that so bothersome.

salt78 · August 2009

[i]And for all the folks who had horrible boyfriends who left them after they knew the relationship was going south, would you have preferred he didn't leave you and you never would have met the man you're about to marry now?[/i] Sure I'm glad it ended, but I would have much preferred that it ended without the guy in question going off to bone another girl 5 seconds later. I'm guessing you've never been cheated on.

atobias1 · August 2009

People's opinions are made based on their previous life experiences. I think it'd be a shame not to learn from them.This does not mean that she will experience what others have... just because it happend to other people

danieliza1127 · August 2009

I also know that it's very easy to take a small amount of information given on the internet, especially if it's not explained well, and turn it into a much bigger story by filling in your own experiences. Things can get way blown out of proportion this way. I've seen it happen loads of times on this board and elsewhere.So very 100% true.

salt78 · August 2009

[i]thanks nugget, sammisah, and a few others who actually get it.[/i] I'm sorry, but just because we have differing opinions does not mean that we don't "get it".