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Wedding Etiquette Forum

I need some help.

I really need to spill this to someone and get some advice. I've talked to a couple friends and I'm getting counseling tonight, but I need some outside opinions. I need to make sure I'm not overreacting.

I've mentioned it a little here and there, but DH rides bulls occasionally. He did a lot while we were dating, never was any good at it, and pretty well stopped completely when we got engaged.

A couple weeks ago, he rode in a local bullriding. I wasn't happy about it, becaue he hadn't even contributed half of rent, and now, here he was, dishing out a $60 entry fee to ride. We argued about it, but in the end, I couldn't stop him. Since then, he's been absolutely obsessed with riding full time. He's not helping me with household bills, he's calling into work, and now the kicker: he's planning on quitting his job entirely to ride bulls full time.

I don't know what to do. We sat down and discussed it last night, and I told him I can't handle it if he quits his job. As most of you know, I work three jobs and kill myself to make ends meet. He told me, three times, that I didn't need to be with him if I couldn't support his dream and that we needed to end things if that's how I was going to be about it.

He left, and went to stay with his parents. I haven't spoken him today either. I plan on staying with a friend tonight and this weekend, to help clear my head and help him see that I'm serious about a seperation.

Please help. I'm so distraught. I'm sick to my stomach. I finally cried myself to sleep last night at 2am. I don't know if I should end things or just stick it out and see where all this leads. But his willingness just to let things end over him doing this hurts me so much. He's not even trying to make things work. I don't know what to do.
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Re: I need some help.

  • You're not overreacting. He's acting like an immature child. Who rides bulls, really? I hope he realizes that he's acting like a complete jackass, but I don't know...

    If he's not even trying to make things work, you're not losing much. But I'm really, really sorry.
  • I have no advice but I just want to say that sounds horrible and my thoughts are with you...maybe its just a stage?
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  • NebbNebb member
    10000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    What in the fucking fuuck!! Im sorry but hes totally off his fucking rocker. I want to come down there and smack some damn sense into him.
  • Dude.  I don't know what to say but you're not over reacting.  Getting passtionate about his interests/hobby?  Okay.  Quitting his job?  No, that's not okay.  I'm really, really sorry that you're going through this.
    The Bee Hive Est. June 30, 2007
    "So I sing a song of love, Julia"
    06.10.10

    BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
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  • I'm sorry to hear that Whit.  I don't think you're in the wrong at all and I'm sorry you're already working so hard.

    "You can take your etiquette and shove it!" ~misscarolb
  • I don't want to end things. I don't know if we're at that point yet. But I can't handle being the only one working and the only one bringing any income in.
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  • Wow, you do not need that at all. I don't even know what to say to help but I do think it's a great idea to talk to a counselor about it. Sadly though, trying to make it work tkes 2 it cannot be all you.

    I wish I had better advice I'm so sorry :(
  • Whit, I'm so sorry. Your H is being a jackass though. I don't think you're overreacting in the slightest. If he's not any good at it (I just assume from what you said) does he expect you to foot the bill for his "dream?" He's not Lane Frost and this isn't 8 Seconds. This is your life, and if he can't get on board with being an adult and helping support you, then I don't know what. Hopefully, he'll realize this is a pipe dream and he'll snap out of it. Again, I'm sorry.
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    Whatever you hatters be hattin. -Tay Prince
  • Oh, Whit I'm so sorry :( 

    Marriage is about supporting each others' dreams, but not if a) those dreams get in the way of supporting your family either financially or emotionally or b) you didn't make those dreams absolutely clear before the wedding.  If he had told you all along that this was his plan then I would have said you knew it going in, but it seems like he's pulling this out of nowhere and just expecting you to go along which isn't fair. 

    And his not being willing to compromise is completely immature and ridiculous.  Again, I'm so sorry you're going through this, you do NOT deserve it.
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  • I'm so sorry you're going through this. You're definitely not overreacting. Good for you for sticking to your guns and letting him know this is not ok. It sounds like he's going through a serious stage and doesn't realize how irresponsible he's being.
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  • First, I am soo sorry that this is happening to you and your husband. Maybe he is going through an identification crisis and is trying to find himself. People do this all the time and many times without logical thought.

    Maybe you can look into some places that he can do this for a hobby. If you show some concern, he may listen to you. Also, make up a budget and show him what needs to be done as far as the house goes, and that way he can see what you are doing and what he needs to do. But only on the paper. Don't out right say "You need to ....."

    I very seriously doubt he is willing to seperate over this. He is just being a brat, and needs to see this through the eyes of a Man.

    Take today to calm down, do some research and when you guys do talk, talk about what you can and will do ONLY. Don't tell him what he needs to do because then he will get defensive quickly.

    Good luck and I will be sending up prayers for you guys and your marriage.

    And the whole time, my future husband was in the room...... image image
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6bfe5c83-8fc5-4d8d-8d01-96cca69dd9e5Post:113c9120-e79a-4fd3-a1c5-8bcd779ab73d">Re: I need some help.</a>:
    [QUOTE]I don't want to end things. I don't know if we're at that point yet. But I can't handle being the only one working and the only one bringing any income in.
    Posted by mwhitson14[/QUOTE]


    I have been there done that.  Mr. ExJackass kept "losing" jobs while I worked 3.
    It's way difficult.
    The Bee Hive Est. June 30, 2007
    "So I sing a song of love, Julia"
    06.10.10

    BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
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  • L-BrideL-Bride member
    500 Comments
    edited May 2010
    Okay first things first. Your husband is insane and so are his parents if they are supporting him coming home after he LEFT HIS WIFE TO RIDE BULLS.
    I'm glad you're going to counseling tonight you poor thing. I can't imagine the anxiety and sadness you're dealing with.
    You don't deserve to be treated this way, no one does.
    Again, you don't deserve this. I say this because I learned a long time ago that you don't get what you want, people get what they think they deserve.
    I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

    Edit: I would personally not be letting him back into the house unless I was sure he changed. I take leaving very seriously. If FI ever left and regretted it later, I can tell you right now it would take a loooong time for me to let him back into our home. Show him this behavior will not be tolerated.
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  • Also, I just wanted to give you a big ::hug::.

    "You can take your etiquette and shove it!" ~misscarolb
  • Shoot Whit, I'm really sorry to hear this. And you're absolutely not overreacting. He seems to be being very stubborn, irresponsible and immature about this. Adults don't just go quit their jobs to take up a hobby they're passionate about. Real life should come first, and that includes you, KWIM?

    Sorry sweetie <3
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  • TR, I knew he wanted to ride, and I can absolutely deal with that. I can't deal with him not working, not paying his bills (which is ruining his credit), and if he quits, I can't afford everything on my own, since I've yet to find a teaching job.
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  • lizstill13lizstill13 member
    1000 Comments
    edited May 2010
    Wow, I am so sorry you have to go through this. It's great that you're going to counseling tonight. Is there any way that you can convince him to attend a session with you? Maybe if he sees it from someone else's perspective that you're working your ass off and need support from him he'll realize what he's doing to you.
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  • MissCourtney, we've already been over the budget. Before we got married, I showed him that he needed to pay $200 in rent and either the internet bill or the gas bill, because they average out to the same. He hasn't done that. He also doesn't want to do it as a hobby. He doesn't want to work. He wants to earn a living riding bulls.


    LBride, they absolutely support him and have already told him I'm a bad wife for not supporting him in his dream.

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  • Oh yeah, I know you knew he wanted to ride, but did he tell you he was going to do it full time no matter what, at the expense of anything and everything else?  Probably not, so it's not fair of him to try to do it now.

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  • Oh dear.  I am so so sorry, Whit.  He is being a big baby - he needs to grow up.  He is a married man, with responsibilities, and I am dumbfounded that he is somehow making YOU out to be the bad guy in this. 

    Is counseling an option?  Would he go?  Even if he doesn't, a therapist can help you deal.  I'm sorry. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6bfe5c83-8fc5-4d8d-8d01-96cca69dd9e5Post:4c076b78-ce8d-4b4c-a858-3caba03525be">Re: I need some help.</a>:
    [QUOTE]TR, I knew he wanted to ride, and I can absolutely deal with that. I can't deal with him not working, not paying his bills (which is ruining his credit), and if he quits, I can't afford everything on my own, since I've yet to find a teaching job.
    Posted by mwhitson14[/QUOTE]


    Yeah, Mr Whit needs to get his head outta his butt and learn what c-o-m-p-r-o-m-i-s-e spells and means.  Ride if you want, but bring home the bacon at the same time.
    The Bee Hive Est. June 30, 2007
    "So I sing a song of love, Julia"
    06.10.10

    BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
    image

  • Holy Crap, Whits. That just sucks.

    I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. hugs.
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  • liz, he absolutely won't go to counseling. Just going to premarital twice was a huge fight.

    TR, no he didn't. This is coming out of nowhere.
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  • When he rode last week, did he get head-butted by the bull, or fall off and hit his head on the ground? WTF is wrong with him??

    I think you should threaten to quit your job(S) and become a country-western singer. Tell him it's your dream and if he can't support it you are not meant to be together.

    If that was my son, NO FUCKING WAY is he coming to stay with me for something like this. He can take his badass self back home and handle this like a man.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6bfe5c83-8fc5-4d8d-8d01-96cca69dd9e5Post:73a25ef4-4a4a-458b-aa1b-5a4821ea6eca">Re: I need some help.</a>:
    [QUOTE]LBride, they absolutely support him and have already told him I'm a bad wife for not supporting him in his dream.
    Posted by mwhitson14[/QUOTE]

    That is awful, Whit, I am <em>so</em> sorry.
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  • NebbNebb member
    10000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    Did this just come out of left field, him acting like this? Has he been acting funny for a while or is this just a new development.

    I cant express how frigging selfish it sounds he is being. Im so sorry hun.
  • Sorry Whit:(
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  • Whit, I'm SO sorry!  You're not overreacting, at all.  Being supportive of someone's dream is one thing, but he is walking all over you.  Why should you have to work 3 jobs to support this?  It's not likely to be lucrative, and it's dangerous.  I'm so sorry, but you don't deserve that.  I hope he comes to his senses :(
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  • His parents sound like gigantic douchebags. You are not a bad wife, and don't you let them make you think for one second that you are.
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    Whatever you hatters be hattin. -Tay Prince
  • And like Kiki said, that is a dangerous hobby!  Does he have health insurance?  Even if he does, what if he gets hurt and you have extra medical bills?  If his parents are so damn supportive, they should be contributing some money.
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