Adult only reception

jennspud · July 2010

I know this is a touchy subject among many people but here is my situation: My fiancee and I are planning a destination wedding i Key West next June. The reason I'm posting this now is so I can get a jump start on this hot topic. He and I are paying for the wedding and reception ourselves, which I will say isn't going to be cheap. Neither one of us are "kid people" which is besides the point. I plan on getting married once in my lifetime and don't want to have crying noisy children disrupting my ceremony. In addition, the ceremony is on the water and I don't want children in a dangerous situation. The bottom line is, I am looking for sugestions on how to word my invitation and what to put on my website to let people know now that we want our day to be adults only. And for the record I do understand that there will be some people who elect not to attend because of this. We are fine with that.

ootmother2 · July 2010

go read the post with 125 replies and delete your double post

ywia

tidetravel · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_adult-only-reception-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:643e82d5-6136-4935-9002-ae9dfe0c52acPost:81483f3a-6128-4c38-af2e-e0e3244d8796">Adult only reception</a>:
[QUOTE]I know this is a touchy subject among many people but here is my situation: My fiancee and I are planning a destination wedding i Key West next June. The reason I'm posting this now is so I can get a jump start on this hot topic. He and I are paying for the wedding and reception ourselves, which I will say isn't going to be cheap. Neither one of us are "kid people" which is besides the point. I plan on getting married once in my lifetime and don't want to have crying noisy children disrupting my ceremony. I<strong>n addition, the ceremony is on the water and I don't want children in a dangerous situation</strong>. The bottom line is, I am looking for sugestions on how to word my invitation and what to put on my website to let people know now that we want our day to be adults only. And for the record I do understand that there will be some people who elect not to attend because of this. We are fine with that.
Posted by jennspud[/QUOTE]

You don't put it in writing. Address the invitations to the guests you do plan to invite. If someone RSVPs will little Betty Sue in tow, you'll have to call and explain

ETA: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, I'm tired of people saying "I don't want crying screaming babies at my wedding" and then, in the same breath, trying to claim that the child's safety is a factor in your decision.

Just because I have a baby doesn't mean that I don't have a brain. I know how to take care of my kid. You don't need to concern yourself with that.

lyndausvi · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_adult-only-reception-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:643e82d5-6136-4935-9002-ae9dfe0c52acPost:15b044f7-31b7-4e95-aae1-3da50bab515a">Re: Adult only reception</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Adult only reception : You don't put it in writing. Address the invitations to the guests you do plan to invite. If someone RSVPs will little Betty Sue in tow, you'll have to call and explain.
Posted by tidetravel[/QUOTE]

ditto

lisarose7 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_adult-only-reception-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:643e82d5-6136-4935-9002-ae9dfe0c52acPost:15b044f7-31b7-4e95-aae1-3da50bab515a">Re: Adult only reception</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Adult only reception : You don't put it in writing. Address the invitations to the guests you do plan to invite. If someone RSVPs will little Betty Sue in tow, you'll have to call and explain ETA: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, I'm tired of people saying "I don't want crying screaming babies at my wedding" and then, in the same breath, trying to claim that the child's safety is a factor in your decision. Just because I have a baby doesn't mean that I don't have a brain. I know how to take care of my kid. You don't need to concern yourself with that.
Posted by tidetravel[/QUOTE]

This, exactly. We opted for a child-free wedding, but not because we thought kids would ruin it. We didn't think the ceremony and reception we were planning would be fun for kids. Plus, I'd spoken to some parents who said they loved the idea of a night out for just the grown ups.

We addressed all invites to just the grown-ups. Nothing on the invite or in the envelope about no kids. Everyone only RSVPd for the people invited, and for a couple who weren't sure they called and asked.

Simply Fated · July 2010

Just don't invite the kids. If the parents slip the kid's name on to the invite, call them up and explain.

But please don't make excuses for it. I mean, if you don't want kids at the wedding, that's fine. It can be a good way to cut costs and guest count.

But it's not a safety issue, as the child has capable parents and other adults nearby that I'm sure wouldn't mind jumping in after the kid if he or she decides to go last minute boogie boarding without the board. Kids are taken to the beach and onto boats all the time. The location isn't an issue. I'm just saying this because if someone asks you why their kid can't come, you don't have to make excuses.

jennspud · July 2010

Thank you for your constructive responses. We are planning an outside evening wedding in public on the water which for multiple reasons are not appropirate for children.I don't feel that it is appropriate for children to be running around while adults are drinking and there are strangers nearby. Most of the people we have already spoken to have already said they will be using our wedding as a mini vacation for the just the adults. We understand that there will be some friends who opt out due to child care, and that's fine. We'll make sure that we address our invitations to only the adults we are inviting and will also make sure that names are printed on the response cards so there will be no place to fill in a child's name.

[Deleted User] · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_adult-only-reception-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:643e82d5-6136-4935-9002-ae9dfe0c52acPost:15b044f7-31b7-4e95-aae1-3da50bab515a">Re: Adult only reception</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Adult only reception : ETA: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, I'm tired of people saying "I don't want crying screaming babies at my wedding" and then, in the same breath, trying to claim that the child's safety is a factor in your decision.
Posted by tidetravel[/QUOTE]
she clearly stated they were 2 distinct reasons.

tidetravel · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_adult-only-reception-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:643e82d5-6136-4935-9002-ae9dfe0c52acPost:4798ee3a-4a1e-4f89-861b-917b94f93caf">Re: Adult only reception</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Adult only reception : she clearly stated they were 2 distinct reasons.
Posted by daffodil_jill[/QUOTE]
Right, just as the poster in the previous thread didn't want crying screaming children at her wedding, and then tried to justify it by citing "safety" reasons, such as the waiters potentially dropping hot plates of food on their head.

If you don't want kids at the wedding, then fine. Don't invite kids. But, don't insinuate that parents aren't responsible enough to look after their own kids. We're not all idiots.

[Deleted User] · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_adult-only-reception-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:643e82d5-6136-4935-9002-ae9dfe0c52acPost:bbc3ecc3-dde8-4627-8842-b8877d6032fa">Re: Adult only reception</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Adult only reception : Right, just as the poster in the previous thread didn't want crying screaming children at her wedding, and then <strong>tried to justify it</strong> by citing "safety" reasons, such as the waiters potentially dropping hot plates of food on their head.
Posted by tidetravel[/QUOTE]
she didn't try to justify one with the other. they are 2 distinct reasons. that's what "in addition..." means.

tidetravel · July 2010

I In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_adult-only-reception-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:643e82d5-6136-4935-9002-ae9dfe0c52acPost:d3746865-b54b-4ef3-86a2-fc36885be42d">Re: Adult only reception</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Adult only reception : she didn't try to justify one with the other. they are 2 distinct reasons. that's what "in addition..." means.
Posted by daffodil_jill[/QUOTE]
If she and FI were self proclaimed "kid people" and weren't worried about little children ruining their wedding in the first place, I doubt that the presence of alcohol or proximity to water, in and of itself, would make them decide to have a child-free wedding.

[Deleted User] · July 2010

you're being awfully presumptous.

tidetravel · July 2010

How so? Because I'm using contextual clues? OP could have simply asked how to word an invite for a kid-free wedding. Instead, she decided it was necessary to inform everyone that 1) they aren't "kid people" and 2) they don't want crying kids interrupting their ceremony. Oh yeah, and BTW, there's going to be strangers and water, and beer, oh my!

mysticl · July 2010

Stop the madness

I was on the 125 post too. I don't think people are ever going to agree on this. I am having kids at my wedding. I don't understand why people have a problem with kids at weddings. With that being said if you don't want kids at your wedding don't invite them but don't come up with a list of excuses.

IF and that is a big if the kids start crying a parent will most likely remove them from the ceremony room, If you are having an outdoor wedding they will move a bit away but there are a ton of other noises that could interrupt.

If there is a parent attending your wedding who you truly don't trust to keep their kid safe then maybe you should report them to child protective services, otherwise the parent is able to decide if the venue is safe for the child.

Same goes for the site being "appropriate". Parents can make that decision. And as for "strangers', yes some of the guests may be strangers to the kids but is anyone really going to invite a person to their wedding that could be a threat to another guest?

[Deleted User] · July 2010

you're reading into something that isn't there. i'm taking the post at face value.

and anyway - is it only ok to do something if you have only one reason to do it? if you have two reasons it's no longer ok?

saschaduran · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_adult-only-reception-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:643e82d5-6136-4935-9002-ae9dfe0c52acPost:15b044f7-31b7-4e95-aae1-3da50bab515a">Re: Adult only reception</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Adult only reception : Just because I have a baby doesn't mean that I don't have a brain.
Posted by tidetravel[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Now I have 2Pac stuck in my head.</div><div>
</div><div>"Brenda had a baby, but Brenda barely had a brain"

</div>

Simply Fated · July 2010

I think the problem is... it's fine not to invite the kids, but justifying that choice really just comes across as weak brainstorming and a lot of assuming that the bride and groom knows better than the parents. And maybe that's why these topics tend to get heated?

prettyplease09 · July 2010

Honestly, what is there for children to do at a wedding or reception anyway? they don't have a clue about whats going on and I personally, would rather include more adult friends than a bunch of children. I don't see why its such a big deal to say "adult only", I also feel that if you are important at all to the guest, they will get a sitter for the wedding. I have two children of my own and I don't see anything wrong with it.

dawnmarie0627 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_adult-only-reception-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:643e82d5-6136-4935-9002-ae9dfe0c52acPost:7a71c5dd-2c87-43b6-a609-d39c76285df8">Re: Adult only reception</a>:
[QUOTE]Honestly, what is there for children to do at a wedding or reception anyway? they don't have a clue about whats going on and I personally, would rather include more adult friends than a bunch of children. I don't see why its such a big deal to say "adult only", I also feel that if you are important at all to the guest, they will get a sitter for the wedding.<strong> I have two children of my own and I don't see anything wrong with it.</strong>
Posted by prettyplease09[/QUOTE]

So you won't be having your own children attend your wedding?

Knittibell · July 2010

We're not having kids at our wedding because of budget. Wouldn't mind having them there, but they almost triple our guest list. That said, about 1/2 of our guests are out of town/COUNTRY, so it's a destination wedding for them.

My solution: I'm hiring some babysitters (in my case, using people my friends use and trust, in yours, hire professionals), I'm looking into reception sites at hotels/inns on the water, so that people with kids can leave them with the sitters, we'll set up a Wii, games, etc, and if there's a problem, the parents are right downstairs. The exception to this would be newborns/brestfeeding babies.

FI and I are also paying for wedding, and we just can't afford to have all the kids- regardless of your reasons, it's FINE not to have children at a wedding, just let people know in advance, and, if possible try and make accomodations where you can.

May292011 · July 2010

I think that people that are posting should not take it so personally. I don't want kids at the wedding because I don't like kids...period. Explaining yourself is okay too! It's your post and it has certainly not been forced upon anyone to respond to it! I am having the same problem, my momzilla though want to invite the gazillion little kids that I have in my family. On another post it was suggested to slip a placard in the invite that said something like babysitting services will be provided please call me if you are interested or something similar. It also said to word the invitation to the effect of: Two seats have been reserved in your honor...blah blah blah...you will always have an offender or two though.

prettyplease09 · July 2010

Yes my children will be attending my wedding as well as my wedding partys children. In fact our son (3yrs) is rb and our daughter (11yrs) is my moh however, the other guest we invite will not have children included. I personally felt that our wedding party paid out so much to partake on our wedding that it would be a insult to say their families couldn't attend. So far 3 of my 7 bm's have opted to get sitters so they can enjoy the evening "child free".

kdchmiel · July 2010

I am having an adult reception for the same reason you are. My fiance and I are not "kid people" either and I don't think an evening ceremony/reception is the place for young children. Not to mention, I thought the "parents" might want an evening to themselves to get a babysitter, relax, have a drink, etc. Granted, my FMIL did not take this well at all, and laid on the guilt trips pretty thick b/c her "grandkids" wouldn't be there. That's the risk you take in putting your foot down and having the wedding thatYOU want. Anyone who has a problem with it will get over it, or they don't have to come : )

I agree 100% : )))

kdchmiel · July 2010

Oh, 1 more thing...............I put "adult reception" right on my invitation. Why not avoid all those "can I bring my kid" responses?? You might still get calls from impolite ppl asking if their kids can attend even WITH adult reception right on there, but you have to consider the source, b/c some parents think their kids should be invited to anything and everything. It's YOUR day......do what YOU want : )

wonderbroad · July 2010

I say if you don't want kids at your wedding don't worry about what others think. It's YOUR WEDDING AND YOUR CHOICE.Just address the invitations to the ones you would like to have and if someone adds children to the reply you can politely explain that you are having an adult only wedding. As for your comment about the safety of children, I am sure MOST parents are very responsible but I have seen some amazing things occur with children in obviously dangerous situations where teach parent assumed the other parent was looking so you are right to be concerned about it.

By the way, for my first wedding we did not invite children and one person whom neither my husband nor I even knew insisted on bringing her infant to the ceremony. Our wedding tape has the sound of a baby crying and fussing instead of the words that were being said..

AndreaLJH · July 2010

We decided on a mostly adult only reception. My FI and I decided that anyone child that didn't call us 'Aunt' or 'Uncle' wasn't going to be invited. Which left his sister's 4 children and one on my side.
Each of his 4 cousins, have 4 children - the cost for kids who barely know our names, was just to great for us to handle. And we also didn't want our reception to turn into a daycare with children running around. (And trust me, they would be all over the place... they are not at all well behaved) Everyone we've told, with the exception of one couple has been absolutely okay with this. One of the couples were quite excited because it meant a night out alone without their children.

Every case is different and no one should be judged for the decisions they make regarding whether or not kids can come to the wedding. Everyone has their reasons. Just because someone else doesn't the reason is valid, doesn't mean that it isn't. It's the bride and grooms day and whatever they want, for whatever reasons they want it - they should have. No questions asked.

Chasity08 · July 2010

I have a daughter (and a soon to be stepson!), both 2, so both would be under that category of the "crying kids ruining the ceremony" and it honestly doesn't bother be that people say that. While my kids are very well behaved so it's not something I worry about (I got lucky to have such well-mannered kids, believe me. haha), I do understand where people are coming from. While I will be having children at my wedding, because I absolutely adore them and want to dance with all of them (!!!), I will also be having "baby-sitters" at the reception to help keep the kids entertained or take care of them if a problem arises.

In regards to this post, I agree with the person who said "two seats have been reserved in your honor" on the RSVP card, and putting their names. It's a way of saying "this is how many people you can bring, and this is who they are" without actually saying that (pretty sneaky, eh

).

And I also think some people take this stuff too personally. While I am opting to have children there, I've also been to weddings where I got a babysitter because I wanted a child-free night, and I'm sure a lot of my guests will do the same. I'm giving them the option to decide, but I don't see anything wrong with not giving them the option, as long as it's done in an appropriate manner (ie: exactly what this bride is trying to do)

Good luck! I'm sure you'll have a fabulous wedding no matter what!! =]

katyannjones · July 2010

We're having adults only, apart from my nephews. Its your day, no-one should judge you for making YOUR decisions, especially as you are paying for the event.

I am going to write the names of the adults invited on pre-printed rsvp cards, and the guests can delete names that won't be attending. Then there is no risk of children's names being added!

In my experience babies at weddings inevitably cry, that is not a judgement on their parents, it's just what babies do! If a guest pulls out due to your decision then so be it. You cant please all the people, all of the time. Those that prioritise your wedding will find ways around the situation.

People who get so personal in these forums need to remember it's not their wedding, so why let it get to them?! I didnt feel there was any insinuation of bad parenting in the original post. It's just a situation some people find tricky to explain.

srgray1 · July 2010

I have to say, I'm in a somewhat similar situation to JenSpud, and I'm a little bothered by the fact that people are jumping on her a bit. Like Jen, I'm not a kid person. That doesn't mean I hate children or that I cannot also be concerned for their safety even though I don't want them running wild at my wedding. I know most parents wouldn't allow bad behavior at a wedding, but let's not kid ourselves here, a lot of parents would (maybe they get distracted in conversation and don't notice little Susie sticking her finger in the cake, for example).

I personally didn't want children at my wedding/recpetion, because I felt I would have to provide entertainment for them (what fun things are there for them at a wedding anyway?). I ended up allowing children because my FI's neices and nephew would be there, and I didn't want to exclude family, or allow some children and not others. While I agree, most parents will watch their children and be respectful enough to take them out of the ceremony if they cry, I know plenty of parents (who are guests and not necessarily of my choice) who are prone to allowing their children to run around. Since I'm not a kid person, I really have no tolerance for this, especially on such a special day (this does not mean I hate children, btw). Speaking of needing to entertain children, I was even asked by a guest recently if I would be providing baby sitting services for children at the wedding. Really??? While I think that's a fabulous idea, I can't afford it. Period. I'm just hoping that the guests who bring children do not allow them to run around unattended.

Jen, I understand your dilemma, amnd know that you are not evil for your opinion.

stacymcmanemy · July 2010

Hey girl...
I think it's your day and you should do whatever you want. I did the whole "only name those that you want to attend on the invite" thing and I still had people RSVP with dates and children that were not invited. I have a family friend who has a 6 year old little monster, and he is the reason that I said NO KIDS...I have been on vacations with him and his parents have no control. I don't want this happening at my Maui wedding. They were pissed, but I don't care. There are too many parents out there that think they have control, or who just don't really care about what their kids are doing. Doesn't make them bad people, you just don't want to deal with their kids on the most important day of your life. I can totally respect that.
So just enroll your MOH to make phone calls to those people who have rudely RSVP'd with people not on the invite, or with kids. She can gently inform them that the guest list is firm and there are no expectations. If you're good with people not coming because of it then no worries.
Congrats!

mandy*pants · July 2010

I am also having for the most part an adult only reception. The only child there under the age of 16 will be our son who is 2. Although we both have a lot of young nieces and nephews we don't want 2 have a bunch of children running around. Plus this way all the adults can have a good time and relax and not have 2 worry about chasing there kids around

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