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I need some help.

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Re: I need some help.

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6bfe5c83-8fc5-4d8d-8d01-96cca69dd9e5Post:44884af4-5906-4762-ae2a-87ad5b9febe5">Re: I need some help.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: I need some help. : I'm so sorry for everything you're going through and I agree your husband sounds like he is being a total jerk and so unbelievably hurtful to you.  <strong>But I just have to disagree that divorce is ever ok.</strong>  Get some time apart, separate your finances, even let him leave if he needs to, but you made a promise to yourself, to him, and to God to stay together for better or worse.  "Worse" can look pretty bleak, but I'm sure the vow doesn't just contemplate them leaving the lid up on the toilet seat, and the promise isn't conditioned on his fulfiling his end of the bargain.  I'm not saying that it's easy, or that things won't get worse, but <strong>even if everything falls apart, you'll still know that you did what was right before God.</strong>  Plus, I just don't think I could ever give up hope.  People go through all sorts of changes and phases in their lives, some moments shittier than others.  If we knew the history of all the old couples we know who have been married like a hundred years and are totally in love, we might find that a lot of them have been to hell and back in their own relationships.  I know my own parents and those of good friends all went through pretty bleak phases in their own marriages, sometimes lasting as long as a few years. Like I said, get some space or let him even leave for a while, but don't give up.  I will pray for you and hope that things get better.
    Posted by lgeldermann[/QUOTE]

    I don't care to whom I made a promise, if I were being mistreated and disregarded in this fashion, you better believe that I would break it.

    I'm sorry but did you read this entire thread?  Do you really think that was a helpful response to Whit?  Why on earth should she stay with someone who has given up hope?  It takes two people to have a happy, healthy marriage, and if one isn't willing to pick up their end of the bargain, no way does the other person deserve to shoulder the entire responsibility.  No way. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6bfe5c83-8fc5-4d8d-8d01-96cca69dd9e5Post:44884af4-5906-4762-ae2a-87ad5b9febe5">Re: I need some help.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: I need some help. : I'm so sorry for everything you're going through and I agree your husband sounds like he is being a total jerk and so unbelievably hurtful to you.  But I just have to disagree that divorce is ever ok.  Get some time apart, separate your finances, even let him leave if he needs to, but you made a promise to yourself, to him, and to God to stay together for better or worse.  "Worse" can look pretty bleak, but I'm sure the vow doesn't just contemplate them leaving the lid up on the toilet seat, and the promise isn't conditioned on his fulfiling his end of the bargain.  I'm not saying that it's easy, or that things won't get worse, but even if everything falls apart, you'll still know that you did what was right before God.  Plus, I just don't think I could ever give up hope.  People go through all sorts of changes and phases in their lives, some moments shittier than others.  If we knew the history of all the old couples we know who have been married like a hundred years and are totally in love, we might find that a lot of them have been to hell and back in their own relationships.  I know my own parents and those of good friends all went through pretty bleak phases in their own marriages, sometimes lasting as long as a few years. Like I said, get some space or let him even leave for a while, but don't give up.  I will pray for you and hope that things get better.
    Posted by lgeldermann[/QUOTE]

    This is ridiculous.  She should not stay in a relationship with verbal and mental abuse and being scared her husband is going to hit her.
  • Lg, I'm going to have to really strongly disagree with you here. He isn't leaving the toilet seat up, he is shirking all of his responsibilities, not just financial. He is not showing her any respect or consideration. He has been acting volatile and sometimes scary.
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  • bel138bel138 member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Comments
    Oh yeah, and the fear for her safety. How could I have forgotten that. That's kinda a big deal. But by all means, lgeldermann, stay with your husband if he ever starts beating the livingshit out of you. It's what Jesus wants.
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  • Squirrly, I really doubt it. Our premarital was awesome with them. His wife is a lot like me. She's very outgoing and opinionated and independent. If it doesn't go well, then yes, I will seek some other, non relgious help.
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  • And to clarify--I am a huge advocate of counseling and trying to work things out. My parents have been married over 40 years. But if Shane refuses counseling and will not help support the marriage and household and is physically, emotionally or otherwise abusive, I truly believe that God does not expect you to stay in a marriage like that. 
    Crosswalk
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6bfe5c83-8fc5-4d8d-8d01-96cca69dd9e5Post:b14243da-ed4d-4cc5-a441-6a6acbfa8deb">Re: I need some help.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Squirrly, I really doubt it. Our premarital was awesome with them. His wife is a lot like me. She's very outgoing and opinionated and independent. If it doesn't go well, then yes, I will seek some other, non relgious help.
    Posted by mwhitson14[/QUOTE]

    I'm glad you're open to seeking other help if your pastor is not helpful.
  • Geldermenn, WTH?
    Divorce is never okay? I truly hope you never have to make that agonizing decision but it was not okay for you to come into this thread and say that to Whit.  It's not your decision to make, your life, or your marriage. 
    The Bee Hive Est. June 30, 2007
    "So I sing a song of love, Julia"
    06.10.10

    BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6bfe5c83-8fc5-4d8d-8d01-96cca69dd9e5Post:44884af4-5906-4762-ae2a-87ad5b9febe5">Re: I need some help.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: I need some help. : I'm so sorry for everything you're going through and I agree your husband sounds like he is being a total jerk and so unbelievably hurtful to you.  <strong>But I just have to disagree that divorce is ever ok.</strong>  Get some time apart, separate your finances, even let him leave if he needs to, but you made a promise to yourself, to him, and to God to stay together for better or worse.  "Worse" can look pretty bleak, but I'm sure the vow doesn't just contemplate them leaving the lid up on the toilet seat, and the promise isn't conditioned on his fulfiling his end of the bargain.  I'm not saying that it's easy, or that things won't get worse, but even if everything falls apart, you'll still know that you did what was right before God.  Plus, I just don't think I could ever give up hope.  People go through all sorts of changes and phases in their lives, some moments shittier than others.  If we knew the history of all the old couples we know who have been married like a hundred years and are totally in love, we might find that a lot of them have been to hell and back in their own relationships.  I know my own parents and those of good friends all went through pretty bleak phases in their own marriages, sometimes lasting as long as a few years. Like I said, get some space or let him even leave for a while, but don't give up.  I will pray for you and hope that things get better.
    Posted by lgeldermann[/QUOTE]
    Really?! Really?! You just cannot be serious. Getting cheated on isn't grounds for a divorce? Getting physically abused isn't grounds for divorce? Look, I don't mean to offend you or your religious beliefs, but God doesn't like douchebag husbands and isn't going to condemn someone to hell forever for getting a divorce. 
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    Whatever you hatters be hattin. -Tay Prince
  • LG, I think that to say that divorce is NEVER ok is a bit much. Life happens.

    I'm not one to condone running away from a marriage the minute that things get tough, but what Whit is dealing with is a serious problem, and IMO it's a bigger problem than if he were an alcoholic. At least if he were an alcoholic, it's a disease that he can't help.

    This is him just being stubborn and unwilling to compromise with his wife. If he isn't willing to work on his marriage, then he doesn't really deserve it.
  • Also, another man perspective. I emailed FI and this is what he wrote:

    That's real shitty. It sounds like this chick was already supporting this guy before he decided to pursue his idiotic dream of becoming a second-rate competitor in a second rate sport. Why can't he work and ride bulls in his free time? She should totally ditch that dude, because when he finally kills himself or gets hurt real bad, she'll still need to work three jobs to pay for his medical bills and funeral costs.
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    Whatever you hatters be hattin. -Tay Prince
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6bfe5c83-8fc5-4d8d-8d01-96cca69dd9e5Post:44884af4-5906-4762-ae2a-87ad5b9febe5">Re: I need some help.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: I need some help. : I'm so sorry for everything you're going through and I agree your husband sounds like he is being a total jerk and so unbelievably hurtful to you.  But I just have to disagree that divorce is ever ok.  Get some time apart, separate your finances, even let him leave if he needs to, but you made a promise to yourself, to him, and to God to stay together for better or worse.  "Worse" can look pretty bleak, but I'm sure the vow doesn't just contemplate them leaving the lid up on the toilet seat, and the promise isn't conditioned on his fulfiling his end of the bargain.  I'm not saying that it's easy, or that things won't get worse, but even if everything falls apart, you'll still know that you did what was right before God.  Plus, I just don't think I could ever give up hope.  People go through all sorts of changes and phases in their lives, some moments shittier than others.  If we knew the history of all the old couples we know who have been married like a hundred years and are totally in love, we might find that a lot of them have been to hell and back in their own relationships.  I know my own parents and those of good friends all went through pretty bleak phases in their own marriages, sometimes lasting as long as a few years. Like I said, get some space or let him even leave for a while, but don't give up.  I will pray for you and hope that things get better.
    Posted by lgeldermann[/QUOTE]

    This is asinine.  Worse is being let go from his job.  Worse is being horribly injured.  Worse is loosing a child.  Worse is NOT failing to live up to his responsibility as a husband.  The church has standards too, you know.  And - I honestly think Whit's got grounds for an annulment, which would mean the marriage didn't occur.  NOT DIVORCE, if she wants to try to go that route. 

    Honestly, suggesting that a woman should stay with a husband whom she is or was afraid of during an argument and whom has no intention of contributing toward their household or well being in any way is pretty dumb.  Regardless of your religion.
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  • lgeldermann, don't you have somewhere to be?  like mass or something.

    go piss up a rope.  (god told me to tell you that, i couldn't help myself.  i had to do right by him)


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  • I'm going to go out and become a cokehead, screw everything that walks, quit my job, verbally abuse Mr Eastunder, deny him basic affection and respect and set my house on fire with all his stuff inside it.  BECAUSE HE'S STUCK WITH ME FOREVER NO MATTER WHAT I DO.  I got you, sucka!



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  • salt78salt78 member
    5000 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6bfe5c83-8fc5-4d8d-8d01-96cca69dd9e5Post:c3e547da-5529-4abd-9a54-ded7d36736f8">Re: I need some help.</a>:
    [QUOTE]i sent op to h, all outraged. this was his response:: ------------------------------------------------------ bullshit!   that's just a load of bull!! maybe if she became bullemic he'd more attracted to her?   he sounds like a real bully...   she'd better not cowtow to him!   i hope y'all can steer her straight!
    Posted by daffodil_jill[/QUOTE]

    <div>There is nothing funny about the situation, but I have to admit that this made me snort. </div>
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  • When H came home for lunch, I told him about your story, Whit. He said that it was ridiculous and he wouldn't expect me to stay with him if that's how things were to roll out for us.
  • bel138bel138 member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Comments
    East, you forgot that you'll also demand that he works multiple jobs to pay for your coke habit and replace all the belongings lost in the fire. And do it with a smile and like it.
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  • Mrs.B6302007Mrs.B6302007 member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited May 2010
    I still REALLY can't believe you Geldermann came in here and said that.
    The Bee Hive Est. June 30, 2007
    "So I sing a song of love, Julia"
    06.10.10

    BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
    image

  • salt78salt78 member
    5000 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6bfe5c83-8fc5-4d8d-8d01-96cca69dd9e5Post:44884af4-5906-4762-ae2a-87ad5b9febe5">Re: I need some help.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: I need some help. :  But I just have to disagree that divorce is ever ok.  Get some time apart, separate your finances, even let him leave if he needs to, but you made a promise to yourself, to him, and to God to stay together for better or worse.  
    Posted by lgeldermann[/QUOTE]

    <div>Fuckoff.</div>
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  • I haven't read all the reponses, but I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I definitely don't want to jump to conclusions or be all gloom and doom, but the way he's acting is really concerning to me. It sounds like he's only willing to think of his needs, and by tossing out that ultimatum, it makes me question how much he cares about you. Some people really have trouble taking others' concerns into account, and those people often struggle in a marriage. Expecting you to unconditionally support him being selfish and financially irresponsible is incredibly entitled and one of the biggest red flags out there.

    I think that if he won't go to counseling, I'd suggest a trial separation. He needs to realize that this relationship isn't all about him. If he's really that quick to end things, that makes me wonder if there's something else going on.

    Does he have a history of depression or any other disorder? I'm just trying to think of a reason that somebody would act this way. I'm sure that he's stuck on the adrenaline rush, so I'm wondering if there's something chemical going on in his brain.
  • What salt said.
    The Bee Hive Est. June 30, 2007
    "So I sing a song of love, Julia"
    06.10.10

    BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
    image

  • Whit, if your pastor doesn't seem like he can meet your needs. you can go to www.aamft.org to find a marital and family therapist. If you're comfortable, I'd also be happy to get you a referral in your area.
  • ohwhynotohwhynot member
    2500 Comments
    edited May 2010
    Lgeldermann, go fuuck yourself.  I hope I don't get banned for that, but if I do, it was worth it. 

    Whit, I am amazed at you - you are holding yourself up, realizing your worth, getting strength where you need it, and doing the right thing for yourself.  Under incredible pressure.  You are amazing.  I mean, I already knew it, but most people would be such a mess right now and you are reacting with clarity and dignity.  Brava.  Remember how awesome you are.

    I want to rip your husband's moustache off. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6bfe5c83-8fc5-4d8d-8d01-96cca69dd9e5Post:7ac4bec4-b757-4cd7-8cdf-d9a72b54e1a8">Re: I need some help.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: I need some help. : You've got to be EFFING kidding me. Whit, I know you are a very religious person and faithful, but please do not think you have to put up with disrespect and verbal abuse --and be afraid he will HIT you. 
    Posted by Pirata13[/QUOTE]


    That's not really what I said.  Of course protect yourself and look out for your physical safety if you really think he is going to be abusive.  And I actually mentioned twice in the post two get some distance and space, not to put up with disrespect or be strong.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6bfe5c83-8fc5-4d8d-8d01-96cca69dd9e5Post:6b6b0463-6494-411a-85f8-df005e4b5bdc">Re: I need some help.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Lgeldermann, go fuuck yourself.  I hope I don't get banned for that, but if I do, it was worth it.  Whit, I am actually amazed at you - you are holding yourself up, realizing your worth, getting strength where you need it, and doing the right thing for yourself.  Under incredible pressure.  You are amazing. <strong> I want to rip your husband's moustache off.</strong> 
    Posted by ohwhynot[/QUOTE]
    <3 This made me giggle hard. Out loud.
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    Whatever you hatters be hattin. -Tay Prince
  • Whit, I'm sorry this is happening for you. I don't have any more words of wisdom for you that you haven't already gotten, but I wanted to let you know that one of the reasons I was a second time bride is that (by the time I left), my ex husband had gone through 12 jobs. That was in 4 1/2 years. I could never count on him having a steady income, and I saw this less than 6 months after we were married. But I just KNEW he'd change.

    It ended up with me feeling emotionally abused, neglected, and the only one caring about staying married or acting married (working together, etc). Do some deep down thinking, but listen to both your heart and head. It shouldn't be this hard, and it sounds like it already is.  This is not the time for someone to quit a job, when it is so hard to find one, and it seems he's being very flip about the whole thing.

    Again, thinking about you, and wishing you the best. I'm so sorry.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6bfe5c83-8fc5-4d8d-8d01-96cca69dd9e5Post:e3e289a1-69be-4d25-b30d-52789034c54f">Re: I need some help.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: I need some help. : That's not really what I said.  Of course protect yourself and look out for your physical safety if you really think he is going to be abusive.  And I actually mentioned twice in the post two get some distance and space, not to put up with disrespect or be strong.
    Posted by lgeldermann[/QUOTE]
    How do you not put up with disrespect by staying in a marriage where your partner continually shows you zero respect? I was nice you in my other post, but you're a nutjob. And not helpful in the slightest.
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    Whatever you hatters be hattin. -Tay Prince
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6bfe5c83-8fc5-4d8d-8d01-96cca69dd9e5Post:e3e289a1-69be-4d25-b30d-52789034c54f">Re: I need some help.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: I need some help. : That's not really what I said.  Of course protect yourself and look out for your physical safety if you really think he is going to be abusive.  And I actually mentioned twice in the post two get some distance and space, not to put up with disrespect or be strong.
    Posted by lgeldermann[/QUOTE]

    So your suggestion is to stay married to the fuckwad but live separately with a restraining order if necessary? Somehow, I'm pretty sure that's not what God envisioned for a marriage.
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  • I love what the men are saying.
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  • Whoa - after the past 11 pages, there's not much more I can add.  But I just wanted to show some support Whit.  You are NOT over-reacting, and like so many others have said, it's much better to have only lost a few months than a few years.  I think you are going about things the best way possible and there is absolutely no shame whatsoever in making the decision that is best for you. 

    I'm so mad for you, I could just spit!  What's more, if things didn't get resolved, I would not even call it a "failure" because you would have learned so much about your self, your strength, and your value as a person and a woman. 

    Oh, and coming from a devout (yet modern) Catholic - that gelderwhateverherstupidnameis chick needs to STFU. 
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