I need some help.

ootmother2 · May 2010

geldertwatt,

aren't you wanted somewhere else because you're certainly not wanted here

hth

ThePinkSuperhero · May 2010

Very sorry, dear. Hope it all works out for the best.

shellydiane820 · May 2010

You should tell him when he can afford the health and life insurance that he needs for this profession, you'll support him.

playtntsbpg30 · May 2010

Whit, I am sorry this is happening.

I have to agree with everyone on this and the feeling of having that other woman in your head that there is someone or the possibility. It's a very scary situation. I had that feeling and that is why I left in the end. And now E is with her. So he was simply pushing me away so it wouldn't be "cheating".. Even tho he was with his heart.

It's hard especially when you are married but I think you are doing the great thing by going to the appointment tonight and trying to clear your head with friends. When you talk to him put your foot down and do not let him walk on you. You have made it this far for yourself you can continue to do better and better, without him trying to push you away.

Best of luck and Thoughts and prayers are with you Whit.

FutureMrsDudley55 · May 2010

I am way late to this, but I just read every page of this post. I am so sorry, Whit. I explained the situation to my FI, and he said that Shane should've known going into a marriage that his priorities and responsibilites needed to change and should've changed. All of the women on this board are amazing and have given you wonderful advice. You're definitely in my thoughts and prayers.

ricksang · May 2010

Awww Whit. Don't be ashamed if you have to leave. I walked away from a marriage I was not happy with. It was one of the best decisions because now I have Ricky! You can't be happy working 3 jobs, paying all the bills, and on top of that you have an un-supportive husband who expects you to support him financially and mentally. Meanwhile, he is not doing what these things for you.
Put Whit first! It's about time.

Goldlie11 · May 2010

I too am super late. I just want to say I'm sorry and I really admire you for your strength. It honestly does sound like maybe your husband started taking drugs or has a mental illness ( I mean this with no mirth). I hope that whatever you decide, it brings you happiness in the future.

katiewhompus · May 2010

Oh Whit I'm so sorry you are going through this whole thing

I read it to Dh and he goes "What the fuuck kind of man would let his wife work 3 jobs while he sat on his asss in the first place?" (He gets a little riled up over husbands not pulling their weight in a relationship.

My exbf pulled the same crap with me. After not working for 5 months (years before the economy tanked) he said he wanted to go to law school to become a lawyer. He graduated with a 2.5 gpa with an art degree. He went to just enough classes to pass and that was it. He said I wasn't being supportive when I told him we couldn't afford for him to go to law school, and that I wasn't giving up my job to move to Harvard (we were living together). He then denied a job offer with the CIA to play WoW because "he was going to work for Blizzard one day". Finally I had enough and told him to get out.

I think what Shane is doing is ridiculous and childish. It seems like he didn't realize marriage was going to actually be work and not just fun and games and now wants out. I also don't think that having fights (real fights, not little spats) when you've only been married 2 months is a normal thing.

Do not feel like a failure or feel ashamed if you decide you need to leave. If that is the best course of action it is better to do it now while there are less strings attached and let you find the life you deserve.

I sent you a pm with my aim/email if you want another sounding board/shoulder to cry on.

AlexiaANDRobert · May 2010

Hey, Whit, keep us posted. T&P your way.

drjewell · May 2010

Dear you need to stop thinking with your heart and start thinking with your head. Yes you love him but so what, this is your life and he is making you miserable, no man is worth your happiness life is too short. I will never tell you to divorce or leave him but I will tell you to care about yourself because I do not see that you are. What does it matter if he quits his job when he is not contributing in the first place? That already tells you he is more committed to himself and what he wants to do than you and your life with him. Does it mean he does not care? No but it means what he cares about most at least right now. You must love yourself enough not to let someone continue to hurt you, yes he hurt you but you don't have to continue to be hurt. A person can only do what you allow them to in your life. He needs to be at home with his parents because he's a child, better that they take care of him than you because that's what you are doing. Can you move back home? You need assistance if you have to work 3 jobs. This is about you, I know you love him but you need to see the situation as it is and not what you want it to be. I do not know how old you are but I am telling you from experience and some knowledge of being a mature woman with a daughter that is almost old enough to get legally married. You need to love yourself enough not to continue to allow someone even your husband to hurt you like this. Life is way too short.

lil_miss_latinist · May 2010

I read nearly every post on this board, and I usually don't think I have anything to add to the discussion. Tonight's an exception, though I realize I'm late.

Since the subject of Christianity, marriage, and divorce has been brought up, I would just like to throw out a couple of verses too:

I Timothy 5:8-- "Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever."

I Peter 3:7-- "Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers."

I'm not going to go on a tangent with the "weaker partner" statement [I could go on and on about that one!], but I just want to point out that this verse is paired with the, "Wives, submit to your husband..." verse; they are meant to be taken as a pair, and it is unfair to pull out the first half without the second.

Whit, ever since I came to the Knot, I have had a tremendous amount of respect for you. You have always been so gracious, kind, and understanding, and even though we have never met, I know you are a true woman of God. My heart hurts for you, and you are in my prayers. Psalm 34:18-- "The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." My prayer for you is that God will lead you to a place of peace with Him and with yourself; I have always found that the hardest times in my life have resulted in a deeper, more precious relationship with the Father, and that I come out stronger for the suffering.

Sorry for the novel-- I'll creep back into the woodwork now.

jessjo04 · May 2010

I wanted to read the whole thing before posting, but I've been trying to catch up all day! I just want to add my support to the ever growing list. I'll join that angry mob, your H is being a douche, I'm really sorry you are going through this.

ExpatPumpkin · May 2010

Whit - I read through every single post, and I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. This sounds SO MUCH like what happened to a friend of mine:

She married a guy with a skateboarding shop (clothes, boards, etc.)... He fancied himself to be a "gangster" and basically spent 24/7 hanging out with hoodlums in his store. To say that the store was a hobby would be an understatement - he NEVER made a penny of profit. She worked a real job, however, and supported "his dream." He was never going to grow up...

After five years of this nonsense, she finally filed for divorce last week and has never felt more free. She got all the debt - credit card bills from purchasing store supplies, etc. - because she was the only "working spouse."

The good news is that she can start over... But her dream was to have kids by 30 and now she's 32 and single. But thank God he had slow swimmers, because adding kids to the mix would have made it so much more complicated.

In your case, and I'm so sorry to say this, but it sounds like all the signs are pointing to his just not being ready for marriage... I think this radical personality change is because he feels trapped by the responsibilities of marriage at such a young age and bullriding sounds like an awesome escape.

And I bet almost all of his friends are still single, so of course they support him

He probably resents not being able to be a bachelor anymore, and is jealous of these friends' carefree lifestyles.

His making you choose between the lesser of two evils - bullriding or divorce - is not mature or fair. He either wants you to "live with it" (i.e. financially support him and quit complaining) or leave him (and then YOU are the bad guy). Either way, he gets to ride bulls.

If you're convinced that there's no future and that he'll never change, I'd file for divorce. There's no shame in being able to read the writing on the wall. And he's NOT fulfilling a husband's duties as outlined in the Bible. If you have any doubt, just look at the marriages of respected couples in your church. Are any of the wives working 3 jobs so that the husband can chase a fairytale dream? No, their husbands are providing for their families.

If you think there's any chance that this is temporary insanity, I'd suggest that you separate for some period of time - 6 months perhaps - and withdraw all support. Let him feel what it means to be without you. Tell him that you're willing to give it another shot when and if he puts bullriding in its rightful place (occasional hobby) and maintains a real job. And is able to pay for at least half of your living expenses. If he can't get it together in a reasonable amount of time, you have your answer

One last piece of advice: PLEASE be careful to avoid pregnancy. The absolute last thing you need is a baby with him. I'm sure you know that a baby wouldn't make him settle down - it would make him feel even more trapped. And then you'd be in terrible financial shape on your own

Again, I'm so sorry you're going through this. But we're all here for you

And I know this sounds so cliche, but you are young and you really do have your whole life ahead of you. As an old lady of 32, I promise you that adventures await

thesuninherhead · May 2010

Oh whit... I am so sorry you're dealing with this.

Whatever the reason, be it his uncertainty/mollycoddling from his parents resulting in his inability to be a grown-up/taking a hit to the head/mania etc, there is no excuse for his behaviour. He has told you, point blank, that he is willing to put this ahead of you. He is willing to trap you into killing yourself with working multiple jobs in order for him to chase his dream. Those are not the actions of someone who loves and supports you.

I agree with the annulment. I would be contacting a lawyer to do the same thing right now if I were you. It's not enough for him to turn around and apologise when he realises you're serious- which he no doubt will at some point. The fact that he was even willing to attempt to manipulate you in this way in the first place crosses a line of respectful treatment. He doesn't deserve you.

What did your pastor have to say?

opalsky007 · May 2010

Sun, I haven't seen Whit around in a while, but she posted about her discussion with her pastor in a thread called "O hai" or something like that earlier today.

thesuninherhead · May 2010

Thanks Opal, I just found that thread. Too much to catch up on today!

I need some help.

Re: I need some help.

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