Move in before or after the wedding?

CL3542 · March 2010

I think you really have to evaluate your stress levels.

My fiance and I bought a house almost a year ago, and we're getting married in September. The first few months of moving in were full of hard work and organizing. If you're moving into an apartment, it might be an easier transition. We didn't get on each other's nerves or anything like that, but it was a very busy time.

I don't think I would have been able to go through our move a month before the wedding, but I get REALLY stressed out pretty easily. If you're more zen, go for it!

Another thing to remember - where guests might be sending registry items! Out of town guests may opt to mail gifts right to you, and having to schlep all of your old stuff and all of your new stuff may be tricky, especially if space is a consideration and if you end up with duplicates.

KatlinW · March 2010

Not moving in together isn't "old fashioned" like your 1820 remark implies. It is a "values" reason. Some people have religious or sentimental values that keep them from moving in before marriage. Who cares what century it is.

teambenturro101603 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_move-before-after-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:2e62463f-4b37-48de-9f20-a947e4ecb682Post:b39b837c-a8a8-4e83-b672-e161c893398f">Re: Move in before or after the wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]This is for the bride that claims living together before marriage increses chance of divource. WRONG Current studies show that women who live with their future husbands(and only them) before marriage have the lowest rate of divource of all. Get with the times.
Posted by EricaDA3[/QUOTE]

So if you are planning to marry the person, that makes you still ok? Heh, is that the "new right"? And I wonder how many women only live with ONE guy, really. If you'll live with one, you'll with with more if something goes wrong.

BTW, doing things they way they were meant to be done never goes out of style. If you think sex has just now become more casual, you're wrong. It has been casual in and out since the beginning of time, and emotional prices have always been paid.

jkrider01 · March 2010

In response to:
"personally, i think thats a bad idea. i hope you guys dont sleep together. if you do however, then i guess thats fine. do you have family that you can stay with?"

Yikes! I would NEVER marry someone I hadn't lived with, let alone slept with - what if the the sex was REALLY bad? LOL. I guess you'd have a lifetime to work on it

I know there are still lots of people who are old fashioned or don't "do it" for religious or cultural reasons, but if we're talking about one month before the wedding because your lease is up, definitely do it!! You may not get completely moved in by the wedding, but you'll get a great start on it!

I've been happily living with my fiance for over 3 years. We got engaged last summer and out wedding is in June and I can't imagine not having him around and having to sleep by myself every night.

bparsons03 · March 2010

I think living together beforehand is fine..I've been living with my fiance for over 3 years but I can definitely say that the first few months of living together were somewhat stressful just because it was a huge adjustment for both of us so I'm not sure I would have wanted to plan a wedding at the same time but if it's only a month before, then most of the details are done and there really isn't much left to do. Either way you go will probably be fine no matter what you choose.

blaxnubian · March 2010

My FI and I are going through right now. Living with someone before getting married just seems right to me. He doesn't really want to. We're now trying to find a compromise on this. I would say a few months before the wedding. Although I think it'll be crazy enough with the wedding planning and then trying to move, but in the long run, I think it's a good idea.

bdancer88 · March 2010

I think its a great idea to move in before the wedding. If it happens that close to the wedding, you may be a bit stressed, however I think it tests a relationship in a good way. I've lived with my fiance for a while, and I think it has been the best thing for us. It's nice to learn his living habits and meld yours with his before you get married. You may have been with someone for the longest time, but you really get to know your fiance once you move in together.

GOOD LUCK! AND CONGRATS!

Angelnchainz · March 2010

Excellent advice from irishxmyst! Go with your gut and what is best 4 u!

cookiesandceake · March 2010

I'm very old fashioned also and I wanted to wait until after the wedding to move in with my FI. In the end I had to give that up to practicallity but we are still holding to our traditions (we havn't "done the deed" still). Even though we life together already, married life will still be a change for us which is what we wanted. I think it's worked out quite well. We can't get enough of eachother and it's fun to be able to learn so much about eachother.

This isn't for everyone and it's not always easy but it works for us.

henkatma · March 2010

If it were me I would wait. It may be the easy route, but half the fun is starting new together. If you already live together it seems to me that you are basically married. I think sometimes people just stay engaged and 5 years later they are still not married,but living together. Doesnt seem to make sense to me.

However, I do think it would be a good idea to start moving your things a week or two before to get settled, but just not stay there together.

kitten_760 · March 2010

I say go for it. My FI and I moved in together a year ago and now 3 1/2 months before the wedding we are moving. Nothing fancy, just more practical. We are trying to do things one step at a time.
I do agree with a past post, just get your stuff over to the new place and organized so you don't have to search for anything. Decorate and make it your own after the wedding. Besides, once all the wedding planning is done and over, it could be another project to work on that will be fun and not have the time restrictions that a wedding does after you have set a date and told people about it. Your wedding day is set and it will come and go. You can sort out the financial (shared account) etc... stuff after. Besides, living with someone is way different than visiting each other and spending time together.

waterskiaholic · March 2010

Like a bunch of other women on here, I don't understand why you wouldn't want to. By the time we get engaged, we will have lived together for probably about 3 years... we moved in together after being together about 7 months. My partenr was getting kicked out of his apartment at the time, but we were spending every night together anyway, so there wasn't a huge difference. There are so many stresses with getting married, if you can move in ahead of time and get that taken care of, it's one less huge change later down the line.

Unlike some of the others, I never really encountered the 'hard to live with someone for the first x amount of time' situation.... But, like I said, we were spending all of our free time together prior to moving in anyway.

Good luck, whatever you choose to do!

cmj_ones · March 2010

I dont know why anyone would not live together before getting married! That way you know each others daily habits and can get into a routine. Im not getting married until August and I've lived with my hubbie-to-be since December 2008!

amanda-mtn · March 2010

Though my fiance' and I live together, and have for the last year, I would see if you could wait until after the wedding. You have more than enough on your mind at this time. The last thing you need to worry about is moving a month before your wedding. Either talk to your landlord, explain the situation, and see if he will do a month-to-month after the lease is up with the understanding that you will only need a month, maybe two tops. Or, if your wedding isn't for a few months, go ahead and move, and continue to pay the rent on your apt untill the lease runs out. That sucks since you won't be using it, but at least the move is done, before the last minute stress starts. Good luck!

stockc1 · March 2010

Wait!! My fiance and I have been best friends for almost 10 years. He proposed about a year a ago and we're so excited to be getting married. We can hardly wait!! But one thing we have decided to do is move in together after we get married. We belive it's the right thing to do because we are followers of Jesus Christ. I'm looking forward to all the joy God will bring to our marriage by choosing to do it his way.

dkaaz · March 2010

Its a great idea to move most of your stuff in beforehand, and live out of a suitcase. Its what most my friends have done and its what I'll be doing this weekend.

HOWEVER please don't move in and live there. It will take away from how special your marriage is. Playing house significantly increases your chances for divorce because it is teaching you that marriage isn't really a big commitment. Basically, psychologically you are taking away from the significance of your marriage and therefore later it will seem like less of a big deal to divorce.

CocoDomi2010 · March 2010

If you've waited this long to move in, you might as well wait the rest of the time. That's what I'm doing. We'll be married in a month and a half, and I'm slowing moving my stuff into his apartment, keeping only the things I need. I'm also staying at a friend's house- it's really the last chance I have to just be with the girls.

If you have lived with him before now, then go ahead and move in. But if you've been waiting this whole time, then one more month won't kill you. Take the time to be with your girls, before you have to tell your hubby where you're going for the night.

revived86 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_move-before-after-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:2e62463f-4b37-48de-9f20-a947e4ecb682Post:847c6a5e-776a-4e66-9979-bfbdce3ebf01">Re: Move in before or after the wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't know anyone who has not lived together before the wedding but this is New York.
Posted by splint00[/QUOTE]

I'm from NY and we're not moving in til after the wedding....but i agree that it is more rare around here than other parts of the country. I'm honestly surprised (pleasantly, of course, lol) at how many brides on here are advocating waiting til after marriage to move in. And even a few advocates of saving sex for marriage, too. It's nice to know we're not the only ones:-)

jenpearce · March 2010

My fiancee and I both agree that living together before the wedding (which will be this June) has been nothing but good for our relationship. We are both in graduate school at different schools, so we compromised and are living right in between. I think that the wedding itself is a big life change; if you're comfotable with moving in before the wedding and it fits with your values, why not live together before to ease some stress? Living together wasn't stressful for us because we were so close (and pretty much already living together) in the first place!

jenpearce · March 2010

Also, living together before you're *engaged* can increase the chance of divorce - but when you are in a committed relationship (hence the engagement), cohabitation as it's called can actually help your chances of making it in the long run.

(The stat against living together can be explained by couples who live together out of convenience (like saving money on rent) and then get married for reasons such as: 1) they've been together for a long time 2) their parents/family/friends expected it of them - not exactly the right reasons to get married...)

ajzphilp · March 2010

While I have always been a more traditional sort, I say you have to decide what is best for you. If you want that "We are finally here together and we haven't been here together before" moment after your wedding - wait.

There is also always the option of moving most of his stuff in and him staying somewhere else (family/friends) for the next couple of weeks too. That way, you have all of the "move in" stress basically over with, but you still get the new "I haven't lived with you before" feeling.

But who am I to say? I'm worried about the same thing, except he's moving here in July from Puerto Rico, and our wedding isn't for another year and a half! I have NO clue what to do. As I said, I am (and especially my family) are very very traditional Catholics and while I can see us moving in a month or two before our wedding together - I can't see more time than that.

In the end - it is what you both decide is best for you both emotionally and financially.

KareJare · March 2010

Statistically, it is not true that you have better odds of a good marriage when you live together beforehand. In fact, every study I've ever read says exactly the opposite. Here is the most recent one I saw, by the Center for Disease Control (don't know why they are handling this one):

"Among women between the age of 15 to 44 who lived with their first husband before getting married, the study found their marriages had a 61 percent chance of surviving 10 years.

Women who didn't live with their husbands first had a 66 percent chance of surviving 10 years."

I think there are other reasons why this could be true, such as the fact that Christians disapprove of both cohabitation and divorce and would therefore be less likely to do either.

I personally won't cohabitate with my fiance. This doesn't apply to you, but in general I think that women cohabitate to move towards marriage, while men cohabitate to get some of the benefits of marriage while actually delaying it. Many couples who cohabitate go into it because it's practical and "no big deal", then they get married thinking the only difference now is the rings on their fingers. In reality, marriage is a big deal and requires intention transition. I got to know my fiance well enough before I accepted his proposal that I knew he had all of the qualities I needed in my husband. I still find out new things about him each day without living with him, and know I will find tons of things out when I'm living with him. Some may be annoying (why does he always have to leave his socks everywhere and use my bath towel??) but none of them will be dealbreakers and we will have no choice but to work them out.

I'm excited for when we'll be cohabitating (and married!) in two weeks!

lily.fabrizio · March 2010

My fiance and I have lived together most of the time we have been together (over three years). Its really nice to know that we are going into marriage knowing what our life will be like. I have known so many ladies who move in with their 'true love blah blah blah' only to break up a few months later because they just couldnt handle it.
Unless its really meaningful for the both of you to wait until your married, go for it!
I agree with erinchaffee, it is absolutely ok if your both ok with it!

ShayCardwell · March 2010

I think that you should live together before the wedding as some other people have said you get to know each other a little bit more the quirks etc, I have been with my Fiance for 4 years and we have lived together for 2.5 of that and they have been great but there were definitly some growing pains when we first moved in together, we are hoping to buy our first house in a few months and i'm sure we will have some growing pains again as we get back in touch with each other during that time when our relationship is growing and changing. Anyhow the long and short of it is DO IT!!! and have fun and enjoy it

revived86 · March 2010

KareJare, you had some good stuff to say!

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_move-before-after-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:2e62463f-4b37-48de-9f20-a947e4ecb682Post:b9b71d7d-3e22-4ad0-ac6b-2fb2f7f1ade7">Re: Move in before or after the wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE] I think there are other reasons why this could be true, such as the fact that Christians disapprove of both cohabitation and divorce and would therefore be less likely to do either.Posted by KareJare[/QUOTE]

I have thought about this fact as well. I wonder if any group has ever done a study that attempts to compare the actual happiness of marriages that started with cohabitation and those that didnt. If a couple doesnt live together before marriage because they think its "wrong," but then they just suffer in a terrible marriage because they also think divorce is "wrong"...well, i dont advocate that.

[QUOTE] I got to know my fiance well enough before I accepted his proposal that I knew he had all of the qualities I needed in my husband. I still find out new things about him each day without living with him, and know I will find tons of things out when I'm living with him. Some may be annoying (why does he always have to leave his socks everywhere and use my bath towel??) but none of them will be dealbreakers and we will have no choice but to work them out. I'm excited for when we'll be cohabitating (and married!) in two weeks!
Posted by KareJare[/QUOTE]

This is right on the money for me. I've always wondered when people say things like, "You have to live with him before you're married- what if you find that although you love him you just cant stand living with him?!" I mean seriously, because i find out that he leaves the cap off the toothpaste i'm not going to marry him?? Come on!

Congrats on your upcoming wedding, KareJare!! So soon!!!

esours · March 2010

I think you should wait. I agree with a post earlier, move in stuff that you don't really need all the time into the others apartment or house. I have a bigger apartment then my FI so he already stores a ton of his stuff in my apartment anyways but still doesn't live there. I think that waiting until after would make it more special and mean more.

cmeinla · March 2010

everything depends on the attitude you go into it with. If you are asking for logistical purposes, i think it makes sense. However, if you have any reservations in the back of your mind based on your religious beliefs or upbringing, it may be better to move your stuff there and crash with a friend or family member for that month, because if you feel guilty, about living together before marriage, that will only compound the problems that arise during your "adjustment period". Our religion says that my FH and i shouldn't live together until we're married, so im living at home with my parents, and FH is a long distance truck driver, so we're using this time also to build our savings a little more. So there are other options you can look into if you have any reservations about moving in before marriage. If your comfortable with it though, why not?

mtred7 · March 2010

It is really interesting to me that I am one of th eonly ones who says to wait. One girl above is rigt, research shows that marriages are more successful if you wait to have sex and live together, as well as God teaches us that the marriage bed is to be kept pure. I will be sharing all of these things for the first time with my fiancee in one week (after 25 years!!!) and it is such a trusting, pure relationship between us that makes this blissful anticipation. I know his charater is right. I don't need to "test" him out before hand. He has shown himself worthy by his actions.
It is not old fashioned, some people really still do try to honor God and stay pure. And no I am not Amish, I'm from Colorado. Be encouraged if you are trying, it is a deeply meaningful and blessed raod.

JennandMikey · March 2010

I vote no. Living together prior to the wedding ups your chances of divorce, which if you take the vows seriously shouldn't be an option. I'm getting married in May, and we plan to start moving some of his stuff that he doesn't use daily before the wedding day, but he will not be moving in until after we sign our marriage certificate. If you're being pure, living together before your wedding only ups your chances of losing your purity.

Luvly711 · March 2010

Aww, that makes me kind of sad that very few on here seem to value waiting to live together until you're married...I don't think it should be considered old-fashioned to want to wait to live together until you're married. Why can't it just be that you're excited to have a change from being engaged to being married, and to start the journey together at that time? I'm incredibly happy that I'm not living with myfiance until after our wedding day, and I think trying that together for the first time, after having committed to each other for a lifetime, will be a rewarding thing for both of us. I hope you'll think carefully about your decision and go with your heart.

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