Considering Asking MOH to step down?

dani32282 · June 2013

I know this is terrible...but I feel that my bf (MOH) and I have grown apart. I aksed her to be MOH b/c in my head that's how I always imagined it...but she's totally uninvolved in my wedding ! Which is hurtful bc she got married less than one year ago and I was johnny on the spot...and basically kept her mother and mother in law from killing each other!
Yesterday our parents threw us an engagement party- she was invited (of course) ...never RSVP'ed and didn't show. I got a text from her the day after saying that her work schedule wasn't "cooperating" with the party... RU kidding me? Invitations went out 2 months early- she could've gotten the day off if it was important to her. I don't really understand whats goin on but I think of my birdesmaids who are going above and beyond and it kills me that the actual MOH is nowhere to be found. Thoughts?!?!

Blue_Bird · June 2013

*sigh*

I'm not exactly sure what you want from her, but it looks like you may have grown apart. If you're ready to end the friendship, you may as well have the talk with her now. You certainly can't kick her out of the wedding party and expect to keep her as a friend.

Edited for spelling.

Viczaesar · June 2013

dani32282 said:

I know this is terrible...but I feel that my bf (MOH) and I have grown apart. I aksed her to be MOH b/c in my head that's how I always imagined it...but she's totally uninvolved in my wedding ! Which is hurtful bc she got married less than one year ago and I was johnny on the spot...and basically kept her mother and mother in law from killing each other!
Yesterday our parents threw us an engagement party- she was invited (of course) ...never RSVP'ed and didn't show. I got a text from her the day after saying that her work schedule wasn't "cooperating" with the party... RU kidding me? Invitations went out 2 months early- she could've gotten the day off if it was important to her. I don't really understand whats goin on but I think of my birdesmaids who are going above and beyond and it kills me that the actual MOH is nowhere to be found. Thoughts?!?!

I would never take a day off of work to go to an engagement party. Are you for real?

Your wedding party members do not have to do ANYTHING for your wedding except show up in the selected attire. That's it. She doesn't have to attend pre-wedding parties, including engagement parties, showers, or bachelorette parties, nor does she have to throw said parties. She doesn't have to help you plan a wedding, and since she just planned hers she's probably burnt out on wedding planning.

Kicking her out of your wedding will end your friendship with her and make you look like a jerk and bridezilla. Is that what you want?

mlg78 · June 2013

It must suck to not have your MOH attend your engagement party...I get that. She did tell you, however, that she couldn't get her work schedule to cooperate. That WAS her RSVP. She'll be devoting plenty of time to your wedding, I'm sure -- no need to freak out about the engagement party when she DID talk to you about it beforehand.

aurianna · June 2013

Your engagement party = a relatively minor event on the wedding spectrum (Wedding, Rehearsal dinner and showers all seem more important to me, and of those only the wedding is vital). It's just a party that says "yay! look at us! we're getting married!" and that's great and a lot of fun. But that's all it is.
Her job: the place she has to go in order to pay her bills and eat

One is clearly way more important than the other. She made the right call. You'd really expect her to use precious vacation time or perhaps have to double up on hours later and make for a really tiring work week? I hope not. Yes, if the random party was high on her priority list she probably could have made it work... but if it would create an inconvenience for her involving her job, you as a friend should not want her to have to do that either.

She'll be there for you on the day. She will walk besides you and hold your bouquet and smile proudly with you in pictures. This is exactly what she should do and it's great. And if she ends up doing even more, that's fantastic.

But the showers... the bach parties....the helping planning and making things... those are all optional and not bridesmaid requirements. If she does take any time out of her life to help you with those you should be honored, just as I'm sure she was when you did those things. But it isn't required.

zitiqueen · June 2013

Blue_Bird said:

*sigh*

I'm not exactly sure what you want from her, but it looks like you may have grown apart. If you're ready to end the friendship, you may as well have the talk with her now. You certainly can't kick her out of the wedding party and expect to keep her as a friend.

Edited for spelling.

It's pretty clear what she wants from her MOH -- she wants her MOH to put her life on hold for her wedding and to be available to be her bridal slave at the drop of a hat.

AddieCake · June 2013

Viczaesar said:
Your wedding party members do not have to do ANYTHING for your wedding except show up in the selected attire. That's it. She doesn't have to attend pre-wedding parties, including engagement parties, showers, or bachelorette parties, nor does she have to throw said parties. She doesn't have to help you plan a wedding, and since she just planned hers she's probably burnt out on wedding planning.

Kicking her out of your wedding will end your friendship with her and make you look like a jerk and bridezilla. Is that what you want?

100% this. Yes, she should have at least let you know she wasn't coming to the party, but it's certainly not worth kicking her to the curb over.

Summer2011Bride · June 2013

Think long and hard about your friendship with her because kicking her out of your wedding, which is exactly what you'd be doing, is going to more than likely be a friendship-ending move. If you truly don't care about having her as a friend anymore, then kick away, but it's going to make you look like a horrible person to the other people involved with your wedding also.

She does not need to do anything for you except show up to the wedding in the agreed-upon attire. Showers, parties, etc. are all optional. Being MOH does not make her your party planner or personal assistant; you should have chosen her to be MOH because she is closest to you and an incredibly important person in your life. Period. It sounds like what you what is a wedding coordinator, which you can have by finding someone who does that for a living and pay them accordingly.

[Deleted User] · June 2013

The user and all related content has been deleted.

Blue_Bird · June 2013

zitiqueen said:

Blue_Bird said:

*sigh*

I'm not exactly sure what you want from her, but it looks like you may have grown apart. If you're ready to end the friendship, you may as well have the talk with her now. You certainly can't kick her out of the wedding party and expect to keep her as a friend.

Edited for spelling.

It's pretty clear what she wants from her MOH -- she wants her MOH to put her life on hold for her wedding and to be available to be her bridal slave at the drop of a hat.

Yeah, I figured as much. I was just kind of hoping for once I'd be wrong.

southernbelle0915 · June 2013

You went above and beyond when you were in her wedding - that's awesome and anyone would be lucky to have such an involved BM. However, all you HAD to do was buy the dress and show up to the wedding. Was she rude to your parents - the hosts - of your engagement party to not RSVP? Definitely. Was it rude or her to text you the day after (not before) and tell you why she was a no show? Yup.

But just keep in mind that all she MUST do is buy a dress in her budget and show up. If you don't keep that in mind, you will go nuts and your focus will be on her and not your wedding. If she's a flake and uninvolved, keep it that way. Wait until she asks you for a job - then decide if she's responsible enough to follow through. Involve your other BMs as much as they want to be.

smalfrie19 · June 2013

so from your perspective because my MOH isn't coming with me tonight to look at my venue i should kick her out??? ...puuhhh leeeezzee.

Blue & White · June 2013

My MsOH are awesome. You can't kick her out without looking like an idiot, but at this point, if I were her, Id say good riddens if you didnt believe me that I couldn't get off work. Cause shockingly, I need manager approval for that and that doesn't happen always even if I ask two months in advance.

Peledreamsofrain · June 2013

Post removed due to GBCK

MyNameIsNot · June 2013

If you are ready to end your friendship with this girl, do it over the friendship. Take your wedding out of the equation. Tell her that you think you've grown apart, and you'd rather go your separate ways. Her involvement in your wedding will naturally end as a result. (And obviously, you'd never replace her.)

If you aren't ready to end the friendship, get your MOH expectations in order, and move on. It's great that you CHOSE to make her wedding a huge priority in your life, but that doesn't mean she owes you the same thing. Her job is more important than your engagement party. Yes, she should have RSVPed to the host, but it's really not that big of a deal. Plenty of people forget to RSVP. If the host needed a firm count, they should have followed up. It's just a party.

Kicking her out is the nuclear option as PP mentioned. It should be reserved for things like trying to sleep with your FI or intentionally setting your car on fire. (You know, the stuff that would justify immediately cutting all ties.) Otherwise, you look like a selfish brat and a terrible person.

cbrown828 · June 2013

I was your MOH. My bff from college got engaged and asked me to be her MOH- it was one of those "we've always planned it this way" kind of deals. Due to things going on in my personal life (a LDR on the rocks, a father in ICU, stressful job) and the business of life in general, she deemed that I was not "excited enough" about her wedding. She wanted a 4-day weekend destination bachelorette. As a group, the BMs decided we couldn't do it. I delivered the news and she lost it on me. She told me maybe I shouldn't be in the wedding. I told her I wanted to quit, then decided to take time to cool off. I decided to stay in and while things were strained for a few months, we have recently begun speaking again and getting along well. We have grown apart and are figuring out what our friendship looks like now. I am very grateful that the friendship didn't end over a one day event.

I share my story to remind you to look at the big picture. In addition to checking your expectations about BM "duties" remember that this girl is your friend before she is your MOH. She has a life too, and it does not revolve around your wedding. If you value the friendship, forget about the Bride/MOH relationship for awhile and focus on the friendship.

cmcole4509 · June 2013

If you chose her to be your MOH I'm assuming you were close at one point. I'm not trying to sound pitiful here, but hey at least your MOH is close enough that she hypothetically could have taken off work and come to your engagement party. My MOH, my best friend since middle school, lives 13 hours away. When I left my home state to come to college, I didn't physically see her for about 2 years. My parents paid for her to fly down for my birthday weekend, and it has been about another 2-3 years since then. It's hard keeping a long distance friendship, but it's possible. Don't let something like wedding planning get in the way of a good friendship.

As far as her not responding, yes she should have said she couldn't come. But - think of this. You said you have started drifting. What is the reason she couldn't take off work was because of something you didn't know about that was going on in her life. What if, for example, one of her family members hit really hard times and she was trying to help them by earning some money so they could pay their house payment so it didn't foreclose on them? I know that may be a little bit of an extreme scenario, but just try to take things into perspective. Call your friend up and invite her out for lunch/coffee/dinner/a drink and talk. Don't bring up the wedding. Just ask how she has been, tell you feel like you guys have been pulling apart and ask her if everything is ok in her life. Maybe SHE feels as if YOU have been pulling away from her because you have been busy wedding planning. Maybe all she needs is reassurance from you that you are still her friend and still care about her. You never know. Just try to keep an open mind. I would suggest not making a major decision, like ending your friendship, until after the wedding.

BangBangs39 · June 2013

Prior to kicking her out I would talk to her about your concerns and how you feel that she isn't participating enough. I know I'm alone in the thought, but I do thinks its important for your BP to participate in the wedding more than just the wedding day... My MOH is wonderful, helps me out all the time, my BM - not so much, I've gotten frustrated but mostly because she has asked to help/asked what I needed help with to never come through.

To re-iterate I think prior to asking her to step down you should discuss your expectations with her. Good luck!

manateehugger · June 2013

Meghan1428 said:
Prior to kicking her out I would talk to her about your concerns and how you feel that she isn't participating enough. I know I'm alone in the thought, but I do thinks its important for your BP to participate in the wedding more than just the wedding day... My MOH is wonderful, helps me out all the time, my BM - not so much, I've gotten frustrated but mostly because she has asked to help/asked what I needed help with to never come through.
To re-iterate I think prior to asking her to step down you should discuss your expectations with her. Good luck!

No. Just no. I'm glad you have such a helpful MOH, but no. You honor them as the bride, NOT the other way around.

It is not her job as a friend or a bridesmaid to ask how the wedding is going. I would laugh in the face of a bride that would tell me to do more for her wedding. I'd also consider ending the friendship. BM's give up hundreds of dollars and hours of their time to make you wedding look the way you want it. Why is that not enough?

What about your wedding is more important than her life?

BangBangs39 · June 2013

PDKH said:
No. Just no. I'm glad you have such a helpful MOH, but no. You honor them as the bride, NOT the other way around. It is not her job as a friend or a bridesmaid to ask how the wedding is going. I would laugh in the face of a bride that would tell me to do more for her wedding. I'd also consider ending the friendship. BM's give up hundreds of dollars and hours of their time to make you wedding look the way you want it. Why is that not enough? What about your wedding is more important than her life?

Doesn't that re-iterate the helpfulness part of it? I believe OP points is that she is not giving up any extra part of her life... most likely if your in the BP you would have been invited to the wedding if you weren't... It is an honor to be in the BP and to have a BP. When you accept being a bigger role in the wedding than a normal guest you accept an expectation to be a bigger role in the wedding than a normal guest... a normal guest just shows up the day of... so why be in the BP if that's all you want? Also if you would end a friendship if a bride asked for help with her wedding, than you really weren't a good friend to start out with. Part of being a good friend is helping your friends when they need something... that doesn't stop just because it is part of a wedding. A good friend is interested in your life, if you are getting married, that is what is going on in your life so that good friend should want to know how it is going. No one said one persons life is more important, but I would hope that your friends would want to be a part of something special, and common theory is that a wedding is the most special day for a bride and groom, I would hope that those who are my closest friends would want to help make that special, as I would want to do for them.

Like I said before, OP you need to send your friend a letter/email or have a sit down with her and let her know how you feel. If she is a good friend, she will understand, if she isn't than you will know and can move on. Again, good luck!

manateehugger · June 2013

I've been a bridesmaid 5 times. Which mean five times I've let a bride dictate my attire, bought an overpriced dress, spent hours getting ready, taking pictures, carried trains around, kept brides from falling over when they pee, powered sweaty noses, etc. Trust me, a BM does a hell of a lot more than a guest. You honor them by asking them to stand next to you, not by expecting them to do stuff for you.

Also - I'd like to think I'm a pretty decent friend considering I've been honored to be a BM a number of times.

Yes. A good friend is interested in your life - that doesn't mean she has to help you live your life.
Separate the wedding from the marriage. I'd rather my friends be excited for my relationship than for my wedding (you know, the only one day thing that really doesn't matter much in the long run). My friend doesn't care about flowers or place settings - how does that translate to she doesn't care about me? You're confusing being supportive of you with being supportive of your wedding planning.

Yes, if my friend bitched at me for not helping her go to vendor appointments or make favors, I would consider ending the friendship. That's ridiculous. Because it would be expecting me to put whatever I had to do on hold for her wedding - I.e. assuming her wedding is more important than what's going on in my life.

You are going to lose friends if you expect them to place your one single day above anything else in their lives. Is one day really worth a great friendship?

manateehugger · June 2013

Your wedding day is special to you because it is yours. No one will ever care about it as much as you.

BangBangs39 · June 2013

PDKH said:

I've been a bridesmaid 5 times. Which mean five times I've let a bride dictate my attire, bought an overpriced dress, spent hours getting ready, taking pictures, carried trains around, kept brides from falling over when they pee, powered sweaty noses, etc. Trust me, a BM does a hell of a lot more than a guest. You honor them by asking them to stand next to you, not by expecting them to do stuff for you. Also - I'd like to think I'm a pretty decent friend considering I've been honored to be a BM a number of times. Yes. A good friend is interested in your life - that doesn't mean she has to help you live your life. Separate the wedding from the marriage. I'd rather my friends be excited for my relationship than for my wedding (you know, the only one day thing that really doesn't matter much in the long run). My friend doesn't care about flowers or place settings - how does that translate to she doesn't care about me? You're confusing being supportive of you with being supportive of your wedding planning. Yes, if my friend bitched at me for not helping her go to vendor appointments or make favors, I would consider ending the friendship. That's ridiculous. Because it would be expecting me to put whatever I had to do on hold for her wedding - I.e. assuming her wedding is more important than what's going on in my life. You are going to lose friends if you expect them to place your one single day above anything else in their lives. Is one day really worth a great friendship?

PDKH said:

Your wedding day is special to you because it is yours. No one will ever care about it as much as you.

Obviously for you it is "one day that doesn't matter much" but for many people, including myself, it is much more than one stupid day. It is the day which you commit yourself to another person in front of your closest friends, family, and for myself in front of God... it is much more than just one unimportant day.

When you support someone, you support someone, how can you support someone, but not what they are doing? The though is asinine. Yes if someone had a temper tantrum because you couldn't do to the vendor appointments, understandable. However, if you tell a close friend that you just don't care enough to go, that warrants that person to be upset. If you had previous plans that's fine... life goes on... but to just say "no I don't want to go b/c I could give a shit less about your wedding" ... sorry your a shitty friend if you do that.

I realize that no one cares as much about your wedding day as much as the bride and groom, however your minimalistic view of weddings really dampers how important the occasion really is.

manateehugger · June 2013

Yes. But the part about the day that matters is that you marry the person you love. Who your bridesmaids are, what they dis for you,and what they wore WILL NOT matter in the long run. Or at least it shouldn't if you have your priorities straight. Your bridesmaids aren't committing themselves to anything - of course your one day won't matter as much to them. People get married everyday. I have friends that get married every year.

Yes. Weddings are important. Yes. I am happy for my friends, but my life moves on. Nothing fundamental changed in MY life because THEY got married.

Holy crap. You seriously think you can't support someone as a human being but not support their activities? And support doesn't equal helping with random wedding bitch work or listening to every wedding detail ever.

Nope. I've told someone before I didn't want to go to a florist with her because I had a happy hour to go to. Pretty sure that didn't make me a shitty friend - it jus meant I'd rather catch up with friends than listen to a lecture on peonies. My friend would have been shitty if she was upset that I didn't put her wedding above my personal life.

I actually think I'm a pretty damn good friend. And considering my repeated tenure as a BM within the same circle of friends, I must be doing something right. Or, you know, my friends are mature enough just to be happy that I could be there on the day and didn't expect me to care about every little wedding detail.

BangBangs39 · June 2013

1. I never stated that what they wear makes/breaks the day... I believe what I said was that because it is an important day your friends should not feel begrudged if you ask for help

2. People do get married every day - however that doesn't make the day less special for specific people...

3. Nothing fundamental changed in MY life because THEY got married. - I would hope that this is not really how you feel... because your life isn't changing you can't help a friend if she asks when hers is?

4. Supporting someone means you are supporting them... its pretty cut and dry... its not I'll support you emotionally but physically go F yourself.

5. I believe I stated that if you have plans that's one thing, but to blatantly say no because you just don't care is rude and I would never want to be friends with someone who did that. Many times in life I've been asked by a friend for help when I didn't feel like it... I did it anyways because that's what friends do.

6. I'm sure your friends do appreciate you... and no one asked for you to care about every detail... but the way you come off to me is that you'll show up on wedding day, but if you dare ask me for help prior to that day I'll never talk to you again.

AddieCake · June 2013

For fuck's sake, OP is pissed her friend didn't take off WORK to attend a PARTY for her. That is not an expectation anyone should have of their wedding party.

LAM524 · June 2013

AddieL73 said:

For fuck's sake, OP is pissed her friend didn't take off WORK to attend a PARTY for her. That is not an expectation anyone should have of their wedding party.

Im sorry I have nothing different to offer OP but I must say, I find myself absolutely loving (and cracking up) over the way people use "curse" words to express shock, frustration, etc. I smile for hours..even catch myself giggling out loud!!! One of my favorite things about these boards!

I forgot who used (not on this thread) "Holy shit balls" but I almost ruined my laptop by spitting out my cawfee! Another poster recently said something about cheese and balls!! Maybe we could start a new thread with these great expressions!!! Someone?

aurianna · June 2013

It's totally ok to have an internal pity party and wish that your friends were more interested in your wedding. There are no feeling police. But it stops there.
The stuff leading up to the wedding is not important in the grand scheme. The flowers. The favors. The linens. The parties. This will have almost no significance in the bride's life other than a memory and a picture in an album. It will have absolutely no significance in a bridesmaid's life. Ergo if a BM has a life and things she'd rather be doing than offering wedding "support," this is not a problem. That doesn't make her less of a friend.

I can expect my friends to be there when I NEED them. Through big life events. Or perhaps in smaller things but more like.. "I lost my engagement ring in the city fountain. I'm a mess. Can you help me look?" "My car broke down in a bad neighborhood while looking at venue sites and I can't get a hold of my husband. Can you pick me up?"
Things like that are a better litmus test on who your real friends are. Not who's willing to look at flowers that only five people might remember in a year.

While perhaps many friends would be willing to help on monotonous task xyz it doesn't mean they want to. And on the other side of the same coin, if you're a true friend you shouldn't want your friends to feel obligated to do something they don't want to do.

BangBangs39 · June 2013

RetreadBride said:

NO WEDDING NEEDS "SUPPORT."

A wedding is a HAPPY time. A celebration. A time of love! People don't need "support" when they're happy.

"Support" is for tragedies, such as a family death, a miscarriage or a car wreck. "Support" for a bride should come from her fiance, not her bridesmaids, in any case. She should learn how to lean on her husband for "support" for the rest of her life, and if she needs "support" in order to marry him, she should re-think the wedding.

That's absurd and asinine.

I planned THREE weddings by myself. That's right. THREE.

I was widowed once (try THAT for needing "support"!) and divorced once prior to this wedding.

Not once did I phone up my bridesmaids and demand that they go to inspect a venue or address invitations with me. It never occurred to me to do that. I don't know where some of you girls get the idea that it's okay to do this to your friends, either. If that's the way you treat your friends - as free labor - I'm surprised you have friends.

"Support" neither begins or ends with tragedy - support is being there for someone no matter what the circumstance... therefore saying if someone has asked for "help" (same thing as support) then they shouldn't be getting married is so wildly wrong its amazing to me. Do you support a local charity, support a local youth team, support a certain candidate, support a national sports team, show support for your SO when they've had a great achievement by showing up at an award ceremony? Again. support isn't limited to grievances.

No one has demanded anything, asking for help isn't making a demand, its exactly what it says it is, asking for help. Congrats to you for planning/executing three weddings alone... just because you did, doesn't mean others have to.

Like I said before, I am the type of friend that helps no matter what the task is, if my friend asks me to help her/him in any way shape or form, I am there... even if I don't want to be, because that's what good friends do, they don't ask questions, they don't bitch about you behind your back for asking for help, they just do it. My friends, are the same way, hence why they are my friends. If your too proud to ask for help, then that's one thing, I'm not... and feel no shame about it, because I know that when my friend asks me I'll return the favor.

Maggie0829 · June 2013

Help and support are not the same thing. For example...

"Can you help me tie this bow?" Means someone actually physically helps you tie a bow

"Can you support me while I tie this bow?" Means someone emotionally "holds you up" while you tie the bow.

Support is emotional. Help is physical.

Meghan1428 it is great that you are a helpful and very involved friend but not everyone is interested in all the wedding details. That does not make them a bad friend. When planning my wedding if I had asked my BM or friend to help out with a few things and they told me no I would not have been hurt. I would have understood that they probably had things going on or just didn't want to help with teidous boring tasks. Again, that does not make them a bad friend.

What makes someone a bad friend is expecting their friends to stop and drop everything to go and look at a wedding venue or tie bows on favors and then get pissed when their friends say they can't or no. If I had to work and my friend asked me to go look at a venue I would say that I couldn' help her out but if my friend called up and said that her close family member died suddenly you bet your butt I would call out of work and be there to support her. See, again, there is that difference in the words "help" and "support". Planning a wedding does not require support.

Peledreamsofrain · June 2013

Post removed due to GBCK

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