Wording for a No-Kids Wedding

MuppetOverlord · September 2013

EmrysM said:

I couldn't begin to see my wedding (9-20-2014) with out kids there. I was always told tradition says if there are children in the wedding party then children are allowed at the wedding if not then it was who was on the invitation. Never the less I have my niece as my flower girl and my nephew as my ring bearer so children are more then welcome at mine. They are family just like their parents so why not invite them. Can make for some really great candid wedding pics.

I've never heard that one. The only children at my wedding are in the wedding party because I don't like it when kids are at weddings.

PrettyGirlLost · September 2013

hoguek said:

heidirs731 said:

The only guests I would imagine I would be being rude to would be the guests who would want to bring their kids and would be offended that they couldn't. No one else I know of (friend or family) would care or even bat an eyelash.

And guests replying with more people than invited wouldn't be being rude if they didn't understand that the invite only extends to the people on the card, which many people (at least people I'm familiar with) don't know that rule.

Maybe I'm looking at this from the wrong standpoint. My career is in communications. If I don't give people the right info to respond correctly, then it's my failure and I have to make up for that mistake by calling everyone because I did a poor job in communicating the first time around.

I am in full agreement. I have never in my life seen an invite that says, "Mr. & Mrs. Smith And Baby John are all cordially invited...," no one puts a child's name on the invite and I know many people who assume that if it's addressed to the adults then it means the whole family. In fact, I can't imagine a world in which people would assume the opposite and expect their children to be called out specifically in the invite.

And like others have pointed out, you are going to have to get the information across somehow, and I think it'd be much more difficult and burdensome to both parties to change the assumptions of a family AFTER they have already RSVP'd, potentially upsetting all of their plans to attend (for instance, finding a babysitter -- something much more tricky if people are traveling and now unexpectedly have to find a place for their child).

A couple has every right for their event to look exactly how they want it to, and if that doesn't include anyone under the age of 18 or 21, I think a brief note of this (even just "18+" or "21+") is perfectly appropriate. I would think a couple would have a pretty good idea of what would and would not be offensive to their guest list and has the discretion to make this decision either way.

While not everyone has formal RSVPs, if you do have them included with the invite and don't want to make a statement explicitly, I think the the suggestion of including "x of 2 can attend" on the RSVP is a good one. For others who still don't want to run the risk of having children brought along, I don't think saying it is any big deal. (In more harsh words: It's your day, not a day to pander to others in a way that makes you more uncomfortable.)

Not everyone's wedding is super traditional or formal, so I don't think everyone's invites have to be either.

Ew, who is loving all these horrible, tacky, rude ideas?! For shame, you 12!!!

http://25.media.tumblr.com/3bb045c7e109678f1bdd411e2f460d86/tumblr_msooipeIby1seecqoo3_250.gif

MuppetOverlord · September 2013

KaylinSP said:

Wow! A fellow bride asking for some simple advice turned into this?? Ladies, I know YOU probably know how to throw the classiest wedding around, but you don't have to be snobby about it.
I'm absolutely thrilled to be getting married, all of my friends and family are thrilled for me, and I don't know a single person who would genuinely get so hung up on the wording of "no kids"
That's silly. And not a huge deal.

Ya'll need to chill.

Love to all of my fellow brides!
Good luck on the no kids thing!

We know how to properly host our guests. I assume that is why people post here asking for our advice on the topic. It has nothing to do with snobbery and I'm chill.

I'm just baffled by the klassiness that surrounds me all of the sudden.

Jen4948 · September 2013

KaylinSP said:

Wow! A fellow bride asking for some simple advice turned into this?? Ladies, I know YOU probably know how to throw the classiest wedding around, but you don't have to be snobby about it.
I'm absolutely thrilled to be getting married, all of my friends and family are thrilled for me, and I don't know a single person who would genuinely get so hung up on the wording of "no kids". That seams so silly to me. I understand etiquette, I do. But a lot of you ladies preaching etiquette are being incredibly rude yourselves.

Ya'll need to chill.

Love to all of my fellow brides!
Good luck on the no kids thing!

You might not, but that doesn't mean the rest of us don't.

Look, when you post on an etiquette-oriented board, what goes down as okay in your own personal circle does not equal what's okay globally or even in North America.

Etiquette, at least in the US, applies across the board without exceptions for personal circles. There may be a few for regional differences, but announcing "I'm not bothered by/the people I know aren't bothered by [breach of etiquette] so I'm going to do it anyway" is not a constructive response to a question on a matter of etiquette. If you're not bothered, stay out of the discussion.

Our goal here is not to determine who's bothered or not by what piece of etiquette, but to provide guidance on how etiquette actually applies to the OP's or someone else's situation as they describe it. And we are not going to endorse breaches of North American etiquette-period. This is not about being "snobby." It is about doing the right thing.

NYCBruin · September 2013

KaylinSP said:
Wow! A fellow bride asking for some simple advice turned into this?? Ladies, I know YOU probably know how to throw the classiest wedding around, but you don't have to be snobby about it.
I'm absolutely thrilled to be getting married, all of my friends and family are thrilled for me, and I don't know a single person who would genuinely get so hung up on the wording of "no kids". That seams so silly to me. I understand etiquette, I do. But a lot of you ladies preaching etiquette are being incredibly rude yourselves.

Ya'll need to chill.

Love to all of my fellow brides!
Good luck on the no kids thing!

Oh good grief. Giving proper etiquette advice isn't being snobby. You can do whatever you want at your wedding. No one here is going to show up at your wedding and declare it invalid if you do something rude. Posters here just try to help people not end up inadvertently offending their guests. The ladies on here have helped me avoid some serious faux pas that wouldn't have bothered me as a guest but probably would have offended at least one of my guests.

You think you know what would offend your friends and family, but its impossible to know for sure what people think but won't say to your face because they don't want to be rude by pointing out your rudeness. For example, I know someone who chews with her mouth open and talks with food in her mouth. It's rude and gross, but I'm not going to say anything to her about it.

If you are SO sure you know what your friends and family are thinking, I imagine that you talk to them pretty regularly. At some point in your engagement I'm sure they'll ask something about your wedding, it shouldn't be that hard to drop some sort of hint that their children aren't invited. There is no need to write on the invitation who isn't invited.

ShesSoCold · September 2013

KarenDowlingNH said:

I agree that its rude to say on an invitation, who it NOT invited, that is not the intention of an invitation, however,I also feel its the responsibility of the host to be very clear about what type of an event they are hosting, so as to avoid unnecessarily embarassing guests. I would be horrified to show up at an event with a child if the event was adult only. Bear in mind that many parents dont think of their small childen as taking up a seat or a plate and may just assume children are OK to bring, unless its very clear.

I particularly love this wording...

We have planned what we hope will be a very enjoyable adults only event. Thank you so much for understanding and we look forward to sharing our special day with you.

Or

"While children are a blessing and a joy, we respectfully ask that this be an adults only ceremony and reception."

Or a Q&A on your invitation...

Do you guys have a wedding formality?
Yes we do. Our wedding will be semiformal.
What does "by invitation only" mean?
We would love dearly to invite everyone to our wedding but we have to have a limit to guest of invitation only.

Will there be a kids table provided?
So sorry, but our reception is an adult affair.

Be honest and confident about what you are doing.

I'm still sifting through the terrible ideas and bad etiquette in this thread, but a Q & A!? On your wedding invitations?! Are you fucking kidding me?! You could also add:

Q. Are the bride and groom self-centered lazy tools?

A. Yes, indeed! We could give a shit about you but we're doing everything in a cutesy format so lol!!!

MuppetOverlord · September 2013

oh wait, did she mean for the Q&A to be on the invitation or on the wedding website or something?

Dreamergirl8812 · September 2013

1) The explosion of brand new, self-entitled brat brides is suspicious.

2) This thread is the worst I've seen on TK.

3) It's rude to specify on the invite who is NOT invited. You specify who you want to invite on the invite (it's actually not a crazy coincidence that "invite" and "invite" are the same word).

4) When you specify who is NOT invited, you imply that everyone else IS invited.

5) Giving rude advice on an etiquette-based forum is not something to be self-righteous about.

6) "I did that too!" doesn't mean it's not rude.

7) If you feel like an asshole because you just found out you're rude, don't take it out on other people

8) Wedding Bee is missing some special snowflakes.

Ajuliana · September 2013

bomberino said:
It is not as simple as not putting their names on the invite...TRUST ME! On your RSVP, make mention of a baby sitter! We said, "Hire a baby sitter and enjoy a weekend away in Michigan's Most Romantic City!"

Then on our invites we had all the details to the ceremony and said, "Adults-only reception to follow." People usually won't get the kids all ready for the wedding, bring them to the ceremony only to have to go home and drop them off at the sitters, and turn around and come back for the reception. Also....spread the word! Tell your family and close friends personally. The word will get around.

PLEASE, for your own sanity, don't JUST omit their names on the invite. That will go over like a lead balloon.

Michigan's most romantic city? Gosh, there's just so many to choose from I can't possibly guess where you got married.

MuppetOverlord · September 2013

Dreamergirl8812 said:

1) The explosion of brand new, self-entitled brat brides is suspicious.

OliviaFranz · September 2013

My sister's wedding is also going to be no kids allowed. We are putting "Adult only ceremony and reception" on the invitation. However, it is a small wedding, only family and very close friends, and many of them do not have children. I can understand that it would be embarrassing or rude if you are just inviting people you may not know very well. But we are close to everyone and they understand so it isn't a big deal.

NYCBruin · September 2013

OliviaFranz said:
My sister's wedding is also going to be no kids allowed. We are putting "Adult only ceremony and reception" on the invitation. However, it is a small wedding, only family and very close friends, and many of them do not have children. I can understand that it would be embarrassing or rude if you are just inviting people you may not know very well. But we are close to everyone and they understand so it isn't a big deal.

If you're close to everyone, why does it need to go on the invitation? How would this not come up at some point in conversation? It's also not that hard to pick up the phone and let someone know that "sorry the invitation was just for you and Steve, we can't accommodate Susie." This is doubly true if you're very close to the person you're calling.

MuppetOverlord · September 2013

OliviaFranz said:

My sister's wedding is also going to be no kids allowed. We are putting "Adult only ceremony and reception" on the invitation. However, it is a small wedding, only family and very close friends, and many of them do not have children. I can understand that it would be embarrassing or rude if you are just inviting people you may not know very well. But we are close to everyone and they understand so it isn't a big deal.

I get that you're saying your situation is okay because you know everyone so incredibly well that no one will be offended... I don't see the point of putting it on just the same, especially where there are so few kids.

If I was one of the people with kids, it would be jumping out at me saying "This note is here for YOU!"

Teresa2328 · September 2013

I'm almost afraid to reply to this thread considering how heated it has become, however I have been to weddings where people brought their kids even though it was just the adult names on the envelope. The bride and groom received their RSVP stating that 3 or 4 were coming when only 2 were invited and they were put in a very weird position. Some called and let the guests know that the kids weren't invited but others just let it go and dealt with it instead. I personally am not inviting kids to the wedding but instead of stating it on the invitation I am putting the information on our wedding website. I am addressing the invitations only to the adults and hoping they already took a look at the website when they got the save the dates which were also address to the adults. I stated that even though we love the kids we want our friends and family to be able to enjoy themselves at their wedding instead of having to worry about their children. That should give guests more than enough time to figure out who is watching their kids that night and we can all have a great time.

MuppetOverlord · September 2013

tgedraitis said:

I'm almost afraid to reply to this thread considering how heated it has become, however I have been to weddings where people brought their kids even though it was just the adult names on the envelope. The bride and groom received their RSVP stating that 3 or 4 were coming when only 2 were invited and they were put in a very weird position. Some called and let the guests know that the kids weren't invited but others just let it go and dealt with it instead. I personally am not inviting kids to the wedding but instead of stating it on the invitation I am putting the information on our wedding website. I am addressing the invitations only to the adults and hoping they already took a look at the website when they got the save the dates which were also address to the adults. I stated that even though we love the kids we want our friends and family to be able to enjoy themselves at their wedding instead of having to worry about their children. That should give guests more than enough time to figure out who is watching their kids that night and we can all have a great time.

The problem with the weddings you attended was that the guests were rude (sometimes unknowingly) and the bride and groom accepted the RSVP.

At my previous wedding, my ex MIL suggested we not invite her family at all because of how rude they are. We thought that was inappropriate so we invited them anyway and quickly realized we were wrong. Kids weren't invited, but one added their 2 kids. We decided to leave it, and when they came to the wedding, the daughter came with her little friend instead of their son. Boo.

Then, his aunt invited her adult son and his wife and told us so at a party we were at where she ran around crazy drunk giving people titty twisters. Apparently, that's how she gets with any alcohol. All I could think of was her giving my grandmother a titty twister. His mother let them know they weren't invited. Yay.

So we do have control, we just have to be vocal about it. I don't mind comments on a wedding website, though I'd probably say simply "This is an adult reception"

NYCBruin · September 2013

tgedraitis@optonline.net said:
I'm almost afraid to reply to this thread considering how heated it has become, however I have been to weddings where people brought their kids even though it was just the adult names on the envelope. The bride and groom received their RSVP stating that 3 or 4 were coming when only 2 were invited and they were put in a very weird position. Some called and let the guests know that the kids weren't invited but others just let it go and dealt with it instead. I personally am not inviting kids to the wedding but instead of stating it on the invitation I am putting the information on our wedding website. I am addressing the invitations only to the adults and hoping they already took a look at the website when they got the save the dates which were also address to the adults. I stated that even though we love the kids we want our friends and family to be able to enjoy themselves at their wedding instead of having to worry about their children. That should give guests more than enough time to figure out who is watching their kids that night and we can all have a great time.

I don't have a huge issue with putting something on the website, it's still not 100% ok etiquette wise but it's not as bad as something on the invitation. I would suggest editing it to just saying "it will be an adult only reception." Giving reasons like that may offend some of your guests who are perfectly capable enjoying themselves with their children there and would even prefer to have their children there/would enjoy themselves more where their children are. Making assumptions about how other parents parent or prefer to spend their time can lead to hurt feelings. Avoid this by not giving a reason. It's no ones business why their children weren't invited.

Also I would look into changing your SN. Using your email address makes it way too easy for people to harass you. Anyone can come on this forum, even without a username. It's the Internet, there's a lot of crazies out there so best not to put personal info out in the open. If you post to the Knottiest Tech Board someone should be able to assist you in changing.

MuppetOverlord · September 2013

NYCBruin said:

I'm almost afraid to reply to this thread considering how heated it has become, however I have been to weddings where people brought their kids even though it was just the adult names on the envelope. The bride and groom received their RSVP stating that 3 or 4 were coming when only 2 were invited and they were put in a very weird position. Some called and let the guests know that the kids weren't invited but others just let it go and dealt with it instead. I personally am not inviting kids to the wedding but instead of stating it on the invitation I am putting the information on our wedding website. I am addressing the invitations only to the adults and hoping they already took a look at the website when they got the save the dates which were also address to the adults. I stated that even though we love the kids we want our friends and family to be able to enjoy themselves at their wedding instead of having to worry about their children. That should give guests more than enough time to figure out who is watching their kids that night and we can all have a great time.
I don't have a huge issue with putting something on the website, it's still not 100% ok etiquette wise but it's not as bad as something on the invitation. I would suggest editing it to just saying "it will be an adult only reception." Giving reasons like that may offend some of your guests who are perfectly capable enjoying themselves with their children there and would even prefer to have their children there/would enjoy themselves more where their children are. Making assumptions about how other parents parent or prefer to spend their time can lead to hurt feelings. Avoid this by not giving a reason. It's no ones business why their children weren't invited. Also I would look into changing your SN. Using your email address makes it way too easy for people to harass you. Anyone can come on this forum, even without a username. It's the Internet, there's a lot of crazies out there so best not to put personal info out in the open. If you post to the Knottiest Tech Board someone should be able to assist you in changing. I

I think you're in my brain.I just PMd her with that and I edited my post to remove the e-mail too lol

MobKaz · September 2013

NYCBruin said:

What is happening here?!? Two questions for the mysteriously multiplying newbs: 1. For these weddings that "people just show up at" how does that work when children are "presumed invited" and the couple does want them there. If a family has six children and the parents RSVP with only themselves, what's the typical protocol for the happy couple that does want the kids there? Do they assume all six are coming, none are coming, some are coming? I'm serious. If this is a real thing, I'd love for someone to explain how seating charts and ordering food works at these events. Because this type of event sounds like such a logistical nightmare I feel like its a made up thing. 2. Do you also plan on indicating who else isn't invited to your wedding on your invitations? Why stop at children? "No co-workers please" "no neighbors please" "no ex-lovers of the bride or groom please"

Well, @transatlanticrelationship is making hers age-specific......dinner and reception +21. If you thought guest book attendant or program passer was a BS honor job, how would you like to buy a pretty dress to be the ID checker?

Ajuliana · September 2013

moonpowder said:
I think it's fair to write in small prints something like:

''Due to seating constraint, we are limiting the invitation to those named in the invitation, no seat are available for a extra person (A date, children, friend, parent etc) that is not named on the invitation. Thank you to respect the invitation. ''

This way, you are not rude to anyone, you are not stating that kids are not allowed, you are reinforcing that you need to be on the invite to be...Invited!

You can double check with the parents by calling them to do a follow up and ask if they got a babysitter.

If they ask why no children: Setting, seating, money and/or an other couple kids are just monsters ''At X birthday party the elder peed his pants because of excitement...And he's 9...True story!''

Um, my FIs grandmother had an accident at thanksgiving but we still invite her to holidays.

AprilH81 · September 2013

9.4k views and the newbies/special snowflakes still don't get it.

MobKaz · September 2013

AprilH81 said:

9.4k views and the newbies/special snowflakes still don't get it.

One of the main arguments of these special flakes is that if someone RSVP's and adds children, they are forced to make a phone call. The flakes cannot possibly engage in an actual awkward conversation. That would require people skills. Their responses on this thread make it crystal clear that they don't even care enough about their guests to develop those necessary skills. Why develop people skills when you live in a world where "It's all about ME"!

banana468 · September 2013

The idea that you'd say, "Yes, the husband and I will be there," and then show up with the kids makes no sense to me. I honestly can't wrap my head around the idea that children are so important that they must be with you yet they're not important enough to be named that they'll be there with you.

Yes, the above statement rambled but I still don't get it. I also can't grasp the concept that telling people that you can't accommodate the crashers as a bad thing.

The notion that you have SO MANY rude people in your lives that it's going to occupy far too much time to gently tell them no or to have security set up at your reception to deal with the uninvited is mind boggling.

PrettyGirlLost · September 2013

soon2bpetrick said:

Who has time for awkward phone calls a month before their wedding?

Forget the wedding, how do you handle life in general?

Everyone here advocating and validating "Adults Only" phrasing. . . do you also plan on sending everyone you didn't invite a card that says "Hey we're getting married! But sorry, you're not invited"? Because that has started to be en vogue and it's just as rude and tacky. . . if not more so.

PrettyGirlLost · September 2013

luckicharms said:

0.o

I guess I live in a savage land of rudeness because here in western PA, it's common practice for us to put a notice in the invitations if it's to be an adult only event. It's considered rude if you omit someone's name from the invitation without an explanation. Parents who only receive an invite with just their names and not their child's may wonder if it's only their kid who isn't invited. Clarifying in the invitation relieves any confusion for all the guests in the sense of “who”, “why” and/or “did they just forget Little Johnny?”.

I don’t care about what is and isn’t etiquette in the old world of invitations, that simply doesn’t apply to the rest of the world anymore.

No, it has nothing to do with western PA. . . you just have a very rude/socially ignorant social group.

I have lived in southwestern PA for 30+ years and been to about 15 weddings or so, and not a single one ever mentioned this Adult Only nonsense, attire directives, etc. Also a bunch were catholic and guess what? They had no gap!

SNAL415 · September 2013

we are inviting kids to our wedding, so to let people know that the children are invited I am addressing the envelopes to Mr. Mrs and family. If you simply state Mr. and Mrs. there should hopefully be no confusion. hope this helps

daveANDkristen · September 2013

SNAL415 said:

we are inviting kids to our wedding, so to let people know that the children are invited I am addressing the envelopes to Mr. Mrs and family. If you simply state Mr. and Mrs. there should hopefully be no confusion. hope this helps

You're on the right track, but I would suggest listing the kids by name, or at least putting # of seats reserved on the RSVP. "And family" is too ambiguous and some (rude) folks might think that means they can bring their parents who are in from out of town, or their sister who is in need of a night out.

caprici42 · September 2013

Hi there...yes, I'm a new poster, but I'm also newly-engaged and have been incurring stress trying to figure out this issue! I get that it's bad form to state who's not invited on the invitation, and to state precisely who is, by name...but what do you do if that splits a family up? I'm not yet sure if I'm going with 21+, 18+, or high school-age (kind of leaning toward the last one), but in all configurations, I have 2 larger families where some kids would be invited, some not. Is it right to invite some and not all without an explanation (especially if it's only a few years, no really small kids)? I have no problems talking to the families about it beforehand, but I'm more concerned on how it would be regarded by them, and I don't want to hurt people's feelings. Any input would be appreciated!

PrettyGirlLost · September 2013

caprici42 said:

Hi there...yes, I'm a new poster, but I'm also newly-engaged and have been incurring stress trying to figure out this issue! I get that it's bad form to state who's not invited on the invitation, and to state precisely who is, by name...but what do you do if that splits a family up? I'm not yet sure if I'm going with 21+, 18+, or high school-age (kind of leaning toward the last one), but in all configurations, I have 2 larger families where some kids would be invited, some not. Is it right to invite some and not all without an explanation (especially if it's only a few years, no really small kids)? I have no problems talking to the families about it beforehand, but I'm more concerned on how it would be regarded by them, and I don't want to hurt people's feelings. Any input would be appreciated!

Don't split up the families, that is rude.

Invite in circles- for friends and relatives you are close with you can invite the entire family, including kids, if you wish. For others you are not as close to you can choose to invite just the adults, and not the children.

caprici42 · September 2013

PrettyGirlLost said:
Don't split up the families, that is rude.

Invite in circles- for friends and relatives you are close with you can invite the entire family, including kids, if you wish.

I know that it's rude...it feels rude. Just not sure how to navigate it. There's really only one family I'm concerned about...they have a younger child as well as several older ones, and the parents have a complete lack of class/etiquette/pretty developed sense of entitlement when comes to family matters. Problem is, they're one family in the same grouping of stepfamily, so whatever applies to the rest has to apply to them, and everyone else I don't mind having, at all. I'm really just concerned about the younger children: it's an evening affair (6-11:30) and I don't think they'd handle it very well. Also not sure if this particular couple would look at the time and make a reasonable decision regarding their kids. Would including a note with something like "Children are both invited and welcome, but due to the late hour and nature of the event, please use your discretion with regard to bringing them" be okay, or offensive? (Or just opening the door for more issues if they don't comply?)

Another possibility is making it adults-only, no kids, but making that "fair" among the stepfamily, one couple's children who just turned 21 would probably need to be left out.

We're having our wedding at the zoo, and while many people might see that and think "oh, kid-friendly!", the coordinator at the zoo outright told us that usually kids don't come as it's still a formal affair without much "zoo" included. I plan on having my young nieces in the bridal party, and will commandeer a room for them to chill out in during the reception (when they get sleepy/cranky/etc). But I'd prefer not having to do that for everyone.

There are so many possibilities. My head hurts!

PrimRoseMama · September 2013

kruithof0311 said:
Omg so many of you sound soooo self richeous! And what is wrong with first time posters? That means they are probably getting married, and joined the site for info (and are not still trolling the site after five years) ... Pull that wooden object out of your you-know-what...If you don't have anything helpful to say, then keep you snotty/sarcastic undertone posts to your self!

I love that the ones telling us to play nice are the most insulting posters in the thread. That is always a good chuckle.

Usually first time posters are the OP or other butthurts chiming in to support the unpopular opinion on the subject.

There are those posters that have gotten married years ago & are now in wedding parties now themselves. I'm a Matron of Honor for my BFF. So, it's not like being on TK after 5 years is somehow worthy of pity or something. I don't understand that statement as some sort of insult.

+1 on address the invite to who you would like to attend & leave it at that.

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