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Wedding Etiquette Forum
FuzzyButtStinkyFace
member
Destination Wedding Etiquette
I have never been to a destination wedding before and I don't know many people who have, so I'm a little unsure of how to handle certain issues.
First of all, My fiancé and I have relatively large guest list, but we are cutting it back as much as we can. Most resorts we've looked at can only accommodate 20-30 guests for the wedding; however, some resorts have an extra fee, per person, for extra guests for the reception dinner (if there is one). I am wondering if anyone knows how this works? For instance, most resorts look like they only have 30 chairs for the ceremony. Can other guests watch, but they just have to stand around? And then we just pay for the extra plates at the reception?
Also, I am wondering how to handle all the "parties." I have been to weddings before where the couples have had bridal showers AND Stag & Does. I've also had one friend ask for money instead of gifts (which was awesome, because it was easier). Is this sleazy to do for a destination wedding (when guests will already be spending so much money on the trip)?
If we are planning on holding a reception back home after the wedding, should this only be for guests who were invited, but unable to attend the wedding? Or are we able to invite friends and family that we did not have room to invite to the wedding? If so, how can we tactfully handle this?
And, just to be sure, ONLY the people who are invited to the actual ceremony should be invited to the engagement party and wedding shower, correct? My mother has already invited some extended family members to my engagement party and hinted that she would be invited others to the wedding shower because "more money/gifts!" So, this means I will be obligated to invite them to the ceremony. I am just worried about the lack of room. So far, my fiancé's only guests are his mother and a friend. Even though he is not close with his family (he has met them maybe 4 times), he is not comfortable with so much of my extended family being invited to the ceremony. He would still like to be able to invite his family! How can we handle this? I know I should "put my foot down" with my mother (who is Italian and is used to big, showy, Italian weddings, btw), but how can I NOT invite family when my mom has already talked to them about attending our engagement party/wedding shower?
Thanks for your help!
And, just to be sure, ONLY the people who are invited to the actual ceremony should be invited to the engagement party and wedding shower, correct? My mother has already invited some extended family members to my engagement party and hinted that she would be invited others to the wedding shower because "more money/gifts!" So, this means I will be obligated to invite them to the ceremony. I am just worried about the lack of room. So far, my fiancé's only guests are his mother and a friend. Even though he is not close with his family (he has met them maybe 4 times), he is not comfortable with so much of my extended family being invited to the ceremony. He would still like to be able to invite his family! How can we handle this? I know I should "put my foot down" with my mother (who is Italian and is used to big, showy, Italian weddings, btw), but how can I NOT invite family when my mom has already talked to them about attending our engagement party/wedding shower?
Thanks for your help!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Destination Wedding Etiquette
If your location can only hold 20-30 guests, that's all you invite. Have a chair for every butt. And only the people invited to the wedding can be invited to pre wedding parties (ps- you can only have pre wedding parties if someone offers to throw one.
No asking for cash. No registering for cash. Period.
Now, when it comes to your plan to invite some people to only the reception - if you are having a small ceremony with immediate family only this is an okay plan. But if you are inviting 30 people to the ceremony and want to invite 30 more people to the reception it's incredibly rude. You really should invite everyone to the ceremony and the reception.
Personally, I would never spend the money it takes to travel to a desalination wedding to only be invited to the reception. I'd be highly offended and think you only invited me to get a present.
You need to decide what is more important to you and your FI- having a wedding where all of the family and friends that are important to you both can attend, or having your wedding at some exotic location? Then figure out how to make what you want happen within your budget.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
1. Why is your fiance uncomfortable with inviting your extended family? Is it only because he's worried there won't be room for his guests? Find out why this is bothering him. It would really suck to do something in your excitement for the wedding that hurts your FI's feelings.
2. You and your FI need to sit down and make a few different guest lists. Don't think about numbers at all, just think about people. List 1: people you absolutely must have there. This includes your parents, his mom, etc. This list is your absolute minimum number of guests. List 2: people you really want to see at your wedding. This would be for extended family, good friends. This list is a good working start for realistic guest list planning. List 3: in an ideal world, all the people you could possibly want to invite. This includes family friends who are more important to your parents than to you, or old friends you've lost touch with. This is your maximum guest count, and you will almost certainly not invite this many people.
Now, after these three lists, sit down and think numbers. If your must-haves list is over 30, you absolutely cannot do a destination wedding with 30 people. Consider staying home, and expanding your guest list to include his family, your family, and all the people you would realistically want to have at your wedding.
1. I am unclear about the wedding packages that are offered. I have seen some that say "max. 30 people," however there is a dinner afterwards included in the price and they've listed a fee per person for extra guests. None of the wedding packages I've looked into address extra guests at the ceremony. I was simply asking if anyone knew how this worked. Once we narrow down our choice of resorts, we will figure that out, I guess.
2. I come from a big, (relatively) traditional, Italian family. My fiancé and I want a simple wedding, but we are struggling to find a balance between what my family wants to do and what we want. My FAMILY is going to be throwing these parties for us. I never said I would be throwing these parties. However, we do need to be involved because I would not want my family to invite anyone who was not invited to the wedding. Right now, our resort, wedding date, and guest list aren't even confirmed and my family has already planned an engagement party and invited some extended family. So, this is why I'm worrying about it.
3. I did not say I would ask for gifts or money. My mother keeps asking me where we are registered because other family members are asking. My fiancé and I have a house and are pretty well established. We don't need a blender or a kettle. We could use a new bed set, but I can't ask for that as a gift. Which is why I'd rather receive money (IF ANYTHING). Maybe we come from different places. I have never found "monetary gifts preferred" or "Stag & Does" tacky. I WANT to help out friends and family who are getting married. Maybe it's a Canadian thing? Or an Italian thing? I actually really enjoy going to showers and Stag & Does because there are games, drinks, dancing, prizes, and they're usually a lot of fun. I was just asking if this tacky because my guests will already be spending so much to attend my wedding.
4. I was actually invited to a DW where I was told that I was part of the second round of invites. I wasn't offended at all! Obviously the couple needs to make sure family and closer friends can attend before they invited me. If they hadn't told me though, I wouldn't have known. So I don't see how this is rude.
Thanks again for your responses. My fiancé, family, and I will have to sit down and talk this over!
Navigating the waters between what your family expects and what you want is going to be a huge challenge. It is for almost everyone. The best thing you can do is talk to your FI, figure out what's best for the two of you, and then present a united point of view to your families. We wish you much luck.
(p.s. We come down hard because we care. We are strangers, so we aren't going to pet your ego, but we all care about etiquette because we care about people and doing right by them. It's not personal, we promise.)
Then sit down with your FI and make up your guest list, the list of the people that you absolutely, 100% want to attend your wedding. Then go from there in adding in additional people, and limit the total number of guests that your mother can invite.
Once you have your finalized guest list, call the resorts and see if they can accommodate your entire guest list if it is over 30 people. If they cannot then you really need to reconsider your DW or trim the list accordingly.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
If you want to consider a DW, you should find a travel agent or wedding planner who does a lot of work with them to help you wade through the information. I was just at a DW at Sandals in St. Lucia. There were 42 guests. Everyone had a seat at the ceremony, no issues. The "rehearsal dinner" (more like a welcome dinner because there was no actual rehearsal) was included for all of the guests staying on-site. I believe that it cost the bride and groom about $6k to get the cocktail hour and reception to fit their specifications (private location, steel drum band for the cocktail hour and DJ for the reception, centerpieces and table set ups, and any food that wasn't included in the package).
I know that the more guests that attend and stay on site, the more stuff was included. For example, often they won't let your guests have a choice of entrees (you have to just pick one), but since this was such a large crowd, they allowed a choice of two at each event.
DIfferent hotel chains have different packages and size restrictions. It would be best to get in touch with someone at the hotel chain or a wedding planner or travel agent that frequently does these weddings for more information (my planner is a "certified Sandals wedding planner" or something - so if you're interested in Sandals, those people do exist).
Thanks for the tips. It's good to know that the resort you were at, at least, allowed for more than 30 people. (Just to be clear, I would never want to ask people to stand and watch. I just wasn't clear how it worked. I find the resort websites aren't very good.)
Why would I give a couple who has already lived together for a year a set of plates? I would rather give the couple something they can use. Like money. And it's easy. How is asking for money, in lieu of presents, any "ruder" than being invited to a shower/birthday party/Christmas dinner and being expected to bring gifts? Other friends I spoke to about it didn't seem to have a problem with it either. I had mentioned that I never thought about having a "money shower," instead of a bridal/wedding shower and that it was a neat idea. My other friends agreed.
And as for my friends who "B listed" us, we aren't super close with them. We realize it's tough to fit everyone in and were happy to just be invited (even though we couldn't make it).
I think I'm definitely going to mention to my mom that a wedding shower may not be a good idea, since I'm already asking guests to spend so much on a trip! And if someone asks where we're registered, she can mention that we don't need anything, and to maybe suggest something small or hint that money would be better than a gift.
Thanks a bunch for the tips. They were very helpful.
I just did some quick research on them and apparently they are pretty popular in Southern Ontario (which is where I'm from), Manitoba, and some other parts of Canada. So, I don't think it's "tacky and rude" to have one. It just depends on where you're from and what you're used to. You may be offended by them (even though these parties are advertised, so you don't have to feel obligated to attend since you aren't actually invited), but it just depends on how you look at it.
My issue is, if a Stag & Doe is a normal thing among my friends, and they don't see it as this horrible, tacky, money-grab, how would they feel about attending one for a DW? It's not necessary for us, but just something we've talked about.
OH HELL NO!!!!! Don't go around giving "the rest of canada" a bad name
I have heard of Manitoba having Stag and Doe parties, (which I have my suspensions about why they happen there) never in Ontario, and NEVER anywhere else.
A stag and doe by definition is a Fund-raiser for the wedding, if you are having a DW the amount of money needed for the B&G is about the same as everyone else who is going (Flights, hotel, meals, ect.) So taking that in to mind any money raised from such an event should be split between all those going to the wedding.
I really hope that this is not an actual question and just a troll....
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
Also, there is nothing wrong with giving money as a wedding present. But there absolutely is something wrong with asking for money because you should never assume people are going to give you gifts. You should never expect presents. So yes, asking for money as a wedding gift is just as rude as inviting someone to any other party and expecting gifts.
For that reason, asking for additional money/gifts/travel is a little bit rough. We did not give a gift at this wedding because of the cost of our attendance (we did give them a card). If you are wanting money/gifts, a destination wedding isn't going to be a good idea; even if people do give you gifts, they will most likely spend less than they would have if you had gotten married closer to home. You will also have to accept that because of the cost, a lot of people will be unable to attend. The groom at this wedding had some groomsmen drop out of the wedding because they couldn't afford to attend.
Clearly the stickys (stickies?) aren't effective when practically every discussion is about PPD, cash bars, B-listing, hosting your own parties, honeyfunds AND/OR stag & does.