Honey Funds- To do or not to do, that is the question??

LinzMariee · January 2014

Wait people still use checks? lol

thanks for the response!

anelleg · January 2014

Oh my goodness. Do what you want. I've been to several wedding that have had a honeyfund and have been more than happy to contribute that way. Actually, every time there was a honeyfund, I gave to the fund. Otherwise, I gave a gift card or bought something from the registry.

Klysha · January 2014

It's amazing how rude so many of the replies are on these posts. Just wow. I get what people are saying about how honeymoon funds are thinly veiled requests for cash, and I agree, but everyone doesn't spend their energy judging other people the way it appears that a lot of the people on this site do. My fiance and I aren't doing a honeymoon fund because people know cash is a good gift without you hinting at it and most importantly because most of them charge fees. But I totally understand people making a honeymoon fund in lieu of registering for a bunch of crap they don't need. My fiance and I are 37 and 40 and have lived on our own for well over a decade so the registry thing feels a little ridiculous but we're doing small ones to help people who don't feel comfortable giving cash figure out what we like and need. The first time I encountered a honeymoon fund I thought it was a super convenient way for me to give the couple cash. I didn't have any checks at the time and there weren't any good gifts left to buy on their traditional registry. THey also found a site that didn't charge a fee. Or if there was a fee it was smaller than the cost of buying a card to give them cash in. I wasn't offended at all.

All this to say a honeymoon fund isn't for me...but having one is no more tacky than the rude comments made on here to anyone considering doing one.

kistmyst · January 2014

I swear, most of you people come across as awful human beings. Offering advice does not give one the leeway to be insulting, judgmental or condemning. The woman didn't ask to be stoned for heaven's sake. Perhaps she asked because she is new and hadn't learned to navigate the system, you certainly don't have to castigate her for her inquiry.

Look, LinzMarlee, it boils down to what you want and knowing your guests. Personally, I LOVE when my friends have done something non-traditional like sign up for donations to their favorite charity, a honeymoon fund or house fund. Because I care about them, it's about what THEY want, not what I want to give them.

We're getting married in just a few weeks and when friends ask us why we registered for so little, we explain that we live in a small condo that is overfilled with combining 2 households. . .we have NO room as it is, so please don't feel obligated to give us anything. We look at our wedding as a gift to those we love and it's not required to give us a gift in return. We are touched by the thoughtfulness of others if they want to give us a gift but the reality is that those gifts will likely get donated.

We already took our honeymoon because of class schedules but if we hadn't been able to afford a honeymoon, I certainly would have had no qualms telling someone that I registered for a honeymoon. It should be about love, and giving someone you love what they really want and not some towels just because that's what I want to give. Big deal that it translates to cash. . . sheets & dishes don't? Cause the last time I checked they required that I spend cash as well.

jneen101 · January 2014

LinzMariee said:

Wait people still use checks? lol

thanks for the response!

People who want to give cash at weddings still remember how to write checks, yes.

paigeypoo87 · January 2014

I completely disagree with the naysayers. Having had several friends marry recently, these honeymoon experiential gifts are my favorite to give! Most honeymoon websites have modest fees, and if one were buying a gift from a registry, your guests would likely pay tax and shipping fees anyway. I also think it's more sustainable to request "gifts" that you will use instead of registering for kitchen gadgets you don't need. I say go for it and pick some fun activities!

artbyallie · January 2014

paigeypoo87 said:

I completely disagree with the naysayers. Having had several friends marry recently, these honeymoon experiential gifts are my favorite to give! Most honeymoon websites have modest fees, and if one were buying a gift from a registry, your guests would likely pay tax and shipping fees anyway. I also think it's more sustainable to request "gifts" that you will use instead of registering for kitchen gadgets you don't need. I say go for it and pick some fun activities!

BUT IF THEY GAVE CASH/CHECK YOU WOULD GET THE FULL AMOUNT. Why is this concept so elusive to so many people? HONEYFUND TAKES YOUR/THEIR MONEY. People KNOW money is a good gift and do NOT need to be prompted to give it.

chibiyui · January 2014

I want Money for my wedding gifts! So instead of not registering which tells people I want money, I'm going to set up a honeymoon fund AND REGISTER FOR MONEY! Yeah, I'll look tacky, and I'll LOSE MONEY DUE TO FEES (Which unlike taxes, don't go to help things like roads and libraries) BUT I'LL GET MONEY. I AM SO SMART.

vt&dt · January 2014

Why do people not get this?

It is not classy to ask for money in any way. It is even less classy to ask for money in a way that will take a piece of the gift for a company's profit, so the recipient only receives 93% of the gift. It is even less classy to veil the asking for money by suggesting "activities" that the gift will pay for, when the gift in fact just becomes a check for 93% of the amount given. The last part is downright deceitful, especially when many couples register or $100 to swim with dolphins but instead put $93 in their checking account.

These forums in general (particularly the honey fund and cash bar questions) have inspired me to be mindful of etiquette in all areas of my life. No joke, I found the "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behaviour" book on Amazon for $10 and it's on the way.

I write thank-you notes promptly for everything... but want to be sure I'm missing anything else and want to be sure I don't do something that could offend someone unintentionally.

jneen101 · January 2014

paigeypoo87 said:

. I also think it's more sustainable to request "gifts" that you will use instead of registering for kitchen gadgets you don't need.

I don't think anyone here is suggesting that people register for stuff they don't want or need though.

KatWAG · January 2014

lbickle said:

If you're a WASP, living in the Midwest, directly giving money at a wedding is usually considered thoughtless and rude.

My honeymoon registry is through my travel agent, so all the things listed are what we actually plan to use the money on.

We're also registered online and at a brick and mortar store.

@Ibickle As a Midwestern and a "WASP," I find you and your generalizations disgusting.

Maggie0829 · January 2014

@KatWAG - what is a "WASP"?

MobKaz · January 2014

Maggie0829 said:

@KatWAG - what is a "WASP"?

I have always understood it to mean, white, Anglo-Saxon, Protestant. It is often used in a derogatory way.

KatWAG · January 2014

@maggie0829 White anglo- saxton protestant.

vt&dt · January 2014

@Ibickle I'm with @KatWAG... that's a pretty strange (and untrue) generalization to make.

I guess I'm a WASP too, and I live in the midwest... and plenty of people give cash or checks in cards at wedding and $ is always considered a useful and thoughtful gift.

Nobody gets mad or offended at people giving them $.

Sure, some things vary from region to region, but many things are very consistent. Asking for $ in any way is rude, receiving $ as a gift is awesome.

Buckeyes922 · January 2014

I don't think it is tacky. Everyone on here is saying well it's just like asking for money. So the less tacky thing is to not register so people get the hint you want cash? Now I think that is tacky! Guests are going to give or not give a gift and they are going to give the type they feel comfortable with regardless.

Not providing a registry at all I think says " I'd love for you to come just be sure to bring your checkbook, although we always prefer cash." If people dont feel comfortable using the honeymoon registry they won't use it. I personally think that providing a honeymoon registry is less tacky then creating no registry.

There are other sites beyond honeyfund including ones that are associated with specific resorts and activities and restaurants there.

chibiyui · January 2014

Buckeyes922 said:

I don't think it is tacky. Everyone on here is saying well it's just like asking for money. So the less tacky thing is to not register so people get the hint you want cash? Now I think that is tacky! Guests are going to give or not give a gift and they are going to give the type they feel comfortable with regardless.

Not providing a registry at all I think says " I'd love for you to come just be sure to bring your checkbook, although we always prefer cash." If people dont feel comfortable using the honeymoon registry they won't use it. I personally think that providing a honeymoon registry is less tacky then creating no registry.

There are other sites beyond honeyfund including ones that are associated with specific resorts and activities and restaurants there.

vt&dt · January 2014

Buckeyes922 said:

I don't think it is tacky. Everyone on here is saying well it's just like asking for money. So the less tacky thing is to not register so people get the hint you want cash? Now I think that is tacky! Guests are going to give or not give a gift and they are going to give the type they feel comfortable with regardless.

Not providing a registry at all I think says " I'd love for you to come just be sure to bring your checkbook, although we always prefer cash." If people dont feel comfortable using the honeymoon registry they won't use it. I personally think that providing a honeymoon registry is less tacky then creating no registry.

There are other sites beyond honeyfund including ones that are associated with specific resorts and activities and restaurants there.

You're certainly entitled to your opinion, but, as you can see from the multitude of other posts on the same subject as well as the previous pages on this one, your opinion does not line up with etiquette.

Some people are not offended by B-list inviting, dictating guest's attire, and cash bars, however, those things are still considered rude by traditional etiquette. For anyone planning to invite other people to their wedding, following etiquette is a great way to be sure not to offend the friends and family that are potentially traveling and spending a lot of time, effort, and money to support the couple.

http://www.cbsnews.com/news/miss-manners-guide-updated/ (you can skip to the part titled "On Profiting From Others")

photokitty · January 2014

You can't teach SSs decorum, so…

But before I go -- Honeymoon registers are still rude. period.

Fran1985 · January 2014

I just can't imagine reaching out to my guests and saying "please donate." Begging/asking for money is just so tacky and honestly kind of sad. I don't really care if people do it I just kind of go "yikes' when I see it. Also- 28.

NYCBruin · January 2014

Buckeyes922 said:

I don't think it is tacky. Everyone on here is saying well it's just like asking for money. So the less tacky thing is to not register so people get the hint you want cash? Now I think that is tacky! Guests are going to give or not give a gift and they are going to give the type they feel comfortable with regardless.

Not providing a registry at all I think says " I'd love for you to come just be sure to bring your checkbook, although we always prefer cash." If people dont feel comfortable using the honeymoon registry they won't use it. I personally think that providing a honeymoon registry is less tacky then creating no registry.

There are other sites beyond honeyfund including ones that are associated with specific resorts and activities and restaurants there.

You don't make any sense. There is nothing rude with not registering. All that not registering does is tell people who are trying to find your registry that you must not be in need of or want typical household items as gifts. That could indicate that you don't want any gifts, that you don't want boxed gifts, or that you would appreciate any gift. A lot of people when they discover you don't have a registry will give cash because THEY ALREADY KNOW CASH IS AN AWESOME GIFT. The only way you say "GIVE US CASH" is by actually saying that or having a honeymoon registry. The lack of registry itself does not say "GIMME THE MONEYSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS" but a honeymoon registry does.

Maggie0829 · January 2014

KatWAG said:

@maggie0829 White anglo- saxton protestant.

Thanks. And yeah that is not a nice generalization to make.

Tesskorb · January 2014

How ironic that those who so adamantly claim it is tacky to have a honeymoon registry have written about it in the most ill-mannered way. I hope people choose to research past wedding etiquette and learn how to speak (type) persuasively, intelligently, and still kindly.

cclaire761 · January 2014

Your wedding bio says, "Attacking cash bar lovers, etiquette-less brides, and TK newbies since 2009." You seem like quite the classy lady.

Also, why have you been on The Knot for the last 5 years?

Maggie0829 · January 2014

cclaire761 said:

Your wedding bio says, "Attacking cash bar lovers, etiquette-less brides, and TK newbies since 2009." You seem like quite the classy lady.

Also, why have you been on The Knot for the last 5 years?

First, that line is a sarcastic joke and if you spent a while lurking you will understand why.

And second I joined when I was going to be BM in a friends wedding but only started posting when I was planning my own wedding. And to answer your follow up question which I know you will have. I still post because I love weddings and talking about weddings and making sure that brides and grooms treat their guests well rather then rudely.

cclaire761 · January 2014

In all honesty, since the day you were old enough to talk, everyone on earth who has wanted to get you a present has wanted to get you something you'd like. I have never experienced a Christmas where someone didn't ask me what I wanted (or got frustrated if I said, "Oh just money," or "Nothing, really."). You should never expect any gift from people attending your wedding. They are your guests and are not your cash cows, but many people WANT to give gifts.

I think that a lot of people feel uncomfortable giving cash or a check, and if you are going to use that money on the honeymoon anyways, then make giving you that cash easier and more fun (read: let them use a credit card to pay and imagine you snorkeling with dolphins or whatever).

It is good advice to make sure that you are going on the honeymoon no matter what contributions you may receive, though.

Maggie0829 · January 2014

In all honesty, since the day you were old enough to talk, everyone on earth who has wanted to get you a present has wanted to get you something you'd like. I have never experienced a Christmas where someone didn't ask me what I wanted (or got frustrated if I said, "Oh just money," or "Nothing, really."). You should never expect any gift from people attending your wedding. They are your guests and are not your cash cows, but many people WANT to give gifts.

I think that a lot of people feel uncomfortable giving cash or a check, and if you are going to use that money on the honeymoon anyways, then make giving you that cash easier and more fun (read: let them use a credit card to pay and imagine you snorkeling with dolphins or whatever).

It is good advice to make sure that you are going on the honeymoon no matter what contributions you may receive, though.

No one I know feels uncomfortable giving money, especially at a wedding when that is the typical gift given and wanted.

dbugaboo · January 2014

I disagree that asking for money is tacky. Most everyone coming to your wedding knows you have been together for 10 years, and lived together that long. My fiance and I are the same. So, my friend found this website for us. It's a list of poems that are cute, and basically tell your guests, in a fun, polite way, that you really have everything you need. We are going to print our poem on card stock and send it with our invitations. Here is the site, if you are interested.

http://www.confetti.co.uk/wedding-ceremonies/traditions-customs/invitation-etiquette-how-to-ask-for-gift-of-cash/

Maggie0829 · January 2014

dbugaboo said:

I disagree that asking for money is tacky. Most everyone coming to your wedding knows you have been together for 10 years, and lived together that long. My fiance and I are the same. So, my friend found this website for us. It's a list of poems that are cute, and basically tell your guests, in a fun, polite way, that you really have everything you need. We are going to print our poem on card stock and send it with our invitations. Here is the site, if you are interested.

http://www.confetti.co.uk/wedding-ceremonies/traditions-customs/invitation-etiquette-how-to-ask-for-gift-of-cash/

Oh dear lord!

jneen101 · January 2014

dbugaboo said:

It's a list of poems that are cute, and basically tell your guests, in a fun, polite way, that you really have everything you need. We are going to print our poem on card stock and send it with our invitations. Here is the site, if you are interested.

http://www.confetti.co.uk/wedding-ceremonies/traditions-customs/invitation-etiquette-how-to-ask-for-gift-of-cash/

Holy shit.

Honey Funds- To do or not to do, that is the question??

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