Updated NWR: I think I may have been drugged.

Belthil · January 2014

I'm glad you're planning on taking tomorrow off. As someone posted you need time to "just be". If that means reading your favourite book while crying then do that. I think you just need time to process this.

I'm joining up with this angry mob (I can bring my own pitchfork and torch) and I'm intrigued as to how @firebabe6519 knows that about dismemberment. I would have thought they'd lose too much blood.. The host sounds like a piece of shit, and based on your comment it sounds like he knows a lot more than he's letting on. Also, I think the angry mob needs an appropriate name and a mascot.

FiancB · January 2014

Sounds to me like somebody thought he or a friend pulled a perfect crime and is pretty upset that may not be the case.

Your feelings are totally valid. The anonymous reporting sounds like a good medium- you don't have to invest a lot of time into it but if the attacker pulls something similar he can be stopped.

Don't feel bad about taking time off of work. People take time off for a freaking cold and what you've been through is way more taxing.

Sort of OT but it blows my mind how common this is. Really, guys walk around asking people for GHB and stuff like that and people just... give it to them??? Fuck.

FutureMrsN3312 · January 2014

One hour...one day...one week at a time. Try to relax. Mani/pedi. Lunch with the girls. A bubble bath. Whatever it takes. Don't feel rushed to do anything especially going back to work. Let yourself go thru the process of being upset, angry,scared, etc. it's a lot to comprehend but it will get better.

RebeccaB88 · January 2014

I know a native Sicilian who I'm sure can find "connections". Your "friend" is not a friend. He's either a rapist or is aiding and abetting one. The anonymous report sounds like a good way to go right now. Can your FI go with you to file the report? It might help him too. And you can see what the crisis center has as far as counselling for you both. And name names in the report. Any you can come up with that were there, that your friends can help you name. Especially the host. If they have nothing to hide, they have nothing to worry about.

RebeccaB88 · January 2014

Can't edit on my Kindle. Is there a chance it could have been someone at work? If so, your boss needs a heads up in case the police try to contact them or her. There isn't a name to name, and I wouldn't, but I know you told her what happened and she is supportive, so she should be aware that you filed the report.

firebabe6519 · January 2014

@belthil blood loss is easy to account for. Green coconuts are nature's perfect plasma substitute. Plus I can also mix up a batch of a blood substitute that is used in some hospitals and actually works better as an oxygen carrier than hemoglobin therefore keeping a person from going into shock...

I had a bit of a demented professor from Los Alamos in college. He made classes interesting to say the least.

JennyColada · January 2014

I finally got around to reading the rest of this topic and the reply of the "host" makes me fucking sick.

As a, well, DECENT HUMAN BEING if anyone came to me and told me anything of this sort I'd be OVERWHELMED with empathy and would do every thing in my power to assist them.

One can only hope for karma, and maybe a good case of salmonella poisoning. One of those great ones that lasts for a week and comes from both ends.

Jells2dot0 · January 2014

This whole thing is just so disheartening. Hugs to you! I also think it's great that you have this board to vent, sound off, and use as a tool in healing. It's also ashame that we usually find out a person's true character in times of trouble. I'm sorry that you are not only struggling with what happened, but also struggling with finding out who your friends really are.

Chipmunk415 · January 2014

We've gators and pythons in Florida. You'd never find any remains in the Everglades.

@firebabe, you and I need to compare notes. I suggested skinning at first as it requires meticulous attention to cause max pain with minimal blood loss, but if done properly, can stretch out for hours of agony. The beauty of it, is if you don't skin him entirely, or only partially skin him, he will still have physical scars reminding him of his punishment for his actions, have to live with it the rest of his miserable life, and a partial skinning would also act as a warning to him.

I've mentioned this before elsewhere- my Dad is a foresnic pathologist and retired Marine, who owned a private autopsy business (yes, I went on autopsies to assist). He is also very anti anyone taking advantage of a woman in this way. He is literally one of those people who could kill another human being and leave no forensic evidence. He also knows some guys from his time in Vietnam who are absolutely lethal killers, and who would not hesitate to take out these kinds of jerks.

To the Dexter fans- I'm completely for using the code in this case.

Cokezerofreak · January 2014

@Chipmunk415 Dexter had a skinner serial killer. He skinned then left the dead victim out in the open for all to see. I just watched it!

Chipmunk415 · January 2014

@Cokezerofreak- I know, don't ruin the killers for the ones just starting to watch Dexter!

Now we just need to get our hands on some adrenaline for any shock issues...

pumpkinsandturkeys · January 2014

First and foremost, I love you all. A lot.

Secondly, I am home from work today. I told my manager that I needed another day, and she didn't even question it.

Also, FI and I talked last night before bed, which was... rough, to say the least. I knew he was upset, but he has been having a even harder time than I knew. He was just SO angry. He's the type of person who "what ifs" and always has the worst possible scenario running through his head, even when he knows it's not true. He admitted that as awful as it sounded, part of him seriously considered calling off the whole wedding because of some of those what ifs.

He refuses to even consider counselling (which I think is a mistake, but I can't force him). We talked for a long time, and I cried a lot, but I finally managed to reassure him enough and remind him that those worst-case scenarios aren't the case this time around. He said he'll likely still have some angry days here and there and he apologized for it, but promised me that the wedding is still on and he's going to try to push out those thoughts. It was intense, to say the least.

I'm still livid at the host of the party. I'm actually in shock when I think about his responses and lack of sympathy and empathy. I don't understand how you could consider someone to be a good friend whom you trusted and opened up to, and then blatantly turn your back on them in their time of need. It definitely has been an eye-opener, and clearly, he isn't a good person after all. The whole situation has made me reconsider who I really trust; another close guy friend of mine told me that at the very least, I can trust myself, and I'll always have that. I think that I'm the only person I fully trust at this point.

JCbride2015 · January 2014

I'm sorry to hear your Fi is making this more difficult for you. May I ask, what "what ifs" was he actually thinking that would cause him to call off the wedding? I can't imagine any, and honestly it angers me for you that he would even say that. Hopefully he'll come around to counseling in time. This is all still very fresh and he can't step back and consider things with any distance right now.

Glad you are home and can relax today. Take care of yourself.

pumpkinsandturkeys · January 2014

@JCBride2014 He felt like the biggest asshole for even admitting it, but before we knew all of the details, part of him wondered if I had slipped up and done something while drunk and didn't want to own up it it. I was shocked and very, very upset, and we had a loooooong discussion about trust and not letting your fears take over, and how he knows that I'm the last person on earth who would ever do that.

He confirmed over and over again that he does trust me and he was stupid for ever thinking it (agreed!). I think the whole thing is just making him a little crazy and he didn't know how to deal. So, we discussed other coping strategies, and I reinforced that while any feelings he has are valid and it's a difficult situation to comprehend, it's not acceptable to either victimise or villainise me. He agreed and apologised his ass off, and now we're just working on moving forward.

JCbride2015 · January 2014

I see. That makes at least some kind of sense. Glad you talked about it, because you're right, there is no way that he should have jumped to that conclusion. But at least he admitted it and you guys can work through it.

pinkcow13 · January 2014

I'm really sorry to hear that. I mean honestly, this is a shock for the 2 of you. And everyone handles these kind of situations differently. You hear all these stories on the news, stories from people you know, that to be honest, I don't blame him for thinking of "what if's" because that is the easier way to think of it. Because the reality, that a friend could do this, someone that you trusted and that I'm assuming he knows and trusted enough to not have reservations about having you attend a party at his house, is just too harsh. And that's where the blame comes in. Why didn't I see through him, why didn't I go with her, why didn't I try to stop her, why didn't I call her more often, etc. So in a way I think it is human nature to try and shift the blame and think all these crazy thoughts. I am guilty of things like that because I am just more of a pessimist overall and a pretty paranoid individual.

This is why counseling is key, to help him work out through these issues. And help him get a clear mind and perspective on things. A lot of men seem to not want to go through counseling, (my cousins husband is NOW finally going to counseling after they are going through this weird period in which they may or may not get a divorce), and at one point I suggested counseling to my FI when we were having some issues, and he refused. This is something major and I think counseling will help tremendously. It is a new day, he has had more time to process this, so hopefully he will start looking at things more clearly, and will be open to the idea of counseling.

I am glad that you took the day off, so just take care of yourself, and pamper yourself today.

Edit: Grammar

FiancB · January 2014

While what he said is really upsetting, I do think it's a good sign that he is able to be so honest with you. Keep up on the counseling, and go- with or without him.

MyNameIsNot · January 2014

If he isn't ready or willing to go to counselling, I hope you still go without him. Hopefully it can give you some tools to help deal with his emotions and anger as well as your own. Maybe he'll see that it helps and agree to come along, but at the very least you can teach him some of the coping that you learn.

I'm glad you stayed home today. You deserve to take care of you at your own pace.

bethsmiles · January 2014

I'm glad you talked with your FI. I think it's a bad decision on his part not to go to counseling but, like you said, you can't make him. I hope that you will still go though because talking to someone is so helpful. I've been a couple of times to deal with things going on in my life and it's been invaluable.

JaniV123 · January 2014

@pumpkinsandturkeys

one of my best friends went through a very similar situation. She went out with several friends and at some point during the night she was drugged. The friend that was giving her a ride wanted to leave with her bf and assumed the other girl would drive her home. Well the other girl apparently thought she was leaving with the other friend, and eventually she was left alone wandering in the street. Well the bartenders at the bar they were at saw her and asked her if she needed a ride and they proceeded to give her a ride to a friends house near by.

She went to the ER and although it was too late for it to show on the urine test they concluded she had been drugged and her rape kit came back negative.

at the time I was in MA doing a summer research program and was not able to be there for her immediately. I was and still am furious at the supposed friends who left her all alone. They noticed something was not right and they still left her there.

It is a difficult thing to go through, but you are so strong and brave. Most women don't find the courage to go and get the tests done. I also believe you should file a report whether anonymously or not so that they can investigate and hopefully find the person responsible for this. Your FI may not be ready to face certain things and thus not be willing to go to counseling yet but hopefully he will come around. My FI is the same way (thought wise with the what ifs and worst case scenarios) and after a long time almost 7 months ago we started couples therapy and it has helped us in so many ways.

Stay strong and we are all here for you, planning angry mob tortures for the culprit and to make you laugh when you dont feel like it.

pumpkinsandturkeys · January 2014

Update: I'm losing my shit. Losing it.

The host decided to send me another message. He said (summarizing/paraphrasing) that he spoke with pretty much everyone at the party, and everyone said I was totally myself and not acting weird (funny, because the majority of people there didn't know me, or barely knew me). He also said that based on first-hand accounts of involuntary drug use that he has heard from other people, I would have been knocked out immediately for 12+ hours if I was drugged (right -- because everyone uses the same drug for this shit, and it affects everyone the same way).

Then comes the worst part. He insinuated that perhaps I was making all of this up because I did something while drunk that I was embarrassed about, and that I should just drop this whole thing if that's the case because anything embarrassing/unseemly I may or may not have done won't be spread around by anyone.

He then said that it was unfortunate that I was in the hospital and "not happy", and to let him know if he can do anything else to help.

I freaked out.

I laid into him, from a variety of angles. I can't remember the last time I was this angry. He responded with pseudo-polite, semi-condescending replies about how this is what he's been told, and he just did what I asked, and repeatedly told me to let him know if I need anything else. He also said that if I was willing to share, he'd be interested in hearing the results of the drug test and rape kit.

Excuse me? Pretty sure I already told you that they said I was drugged, and that the rape kit was inconclusive because they couldn't rule out an assault, but couldn't confirm it either.

Fuck. You. I'm done. I'm so done. I feel like my head is going to explode.

(ETF spelling because I was angry typing)

smalfrie19 · January 2014

WHAT A FUCKING JERK. If anything, I would tell him that you are filing a police report and he should expect them the question him.....but that's just me.. god that makes my blood fucking boil!

JCbride2015 · January 2014

WHAT AN ASSHOLE. This guy is the dirtiest of dirty shitbags. What the fucking fuck.

JaniV123 · January 2014

im so sorry he is being a d!ck which further makes me be suspicious of him. I find it odd that everyone thought you were yourself when the several people you asked all told you you were pretty our of it early on.

i dont know but its pretty shady

JCbride2015 · January 2014

And where does he get off A) telling you you're a liar, but then

wanting to know the test results? If he really thought nothing happened, he wouldn't be concerned about the test results. The more I hear about this asshole, the more convinced I am that he was involved somehow.

jdluvr06 · January 2014

I'm so sorry. The dude is an ass. Stop answering his messages. Completely ignore the prick. He is just going to keep upsetting you. I hate to make assumptions about people but I'm thinking he might have been involved some how.

NavyBlue143 · January 2014

Angry mob, assemble!

Seriously though, I am so sorry this happened to you. I imagine the not knowing is the worst part. And your "friend" is a class A fuckwit. Why the hell does he want to know the results, so he can cover tracks? Who acts like that and tries to shift blame if they have nothing to hide? I'm furious for/ with you. I actually wouldn't inform him if you file a police report because it gives him a heads up to destroy any evidence there may be. Again, I am so sorry you have to go through this. All I can do is offer all the virtual hugs and chocolate in the world. I'm glad you're taking care of yourself. You are being so very strong, even if right now you don't feel like you are.

FiancB · January 2014

What a shitbag! It is NOT true that the drugs necessarily knock you out. Some make it very difficult to detect a problem, because the person acts just a little more drunk than usual. Some don't knock you out at all but do greatly remove inhibition and cause memory loss, so that whatever is going on can even seem consensual to outsiders but the person has no real control over the situation and will not remember it later.

UGHHHH

I just thought of something that's unpleasant but that you should keep an eye out for- there has been a big problem with people posting photos without consent in the context of "revenge porn", or selling them, or harassing people with them. I would be concerned that whoever did this may have gotten an opportunity to take photos of you. Keep an eye on what comes up when you google your name. I doubt that will happen, it would have to be pretty damn stupid on the part of the criminal, but it happens.

pumpkinsandturkeys · January 2014

@jdluvr06 I have stopped speaking to him.

To everyone else: I feel like I have responses to things you have said, and things I want to agree with, but I'm too freaking angry and upset right now to sort those thoughts out. Coming soon.

PennyBlossom2311 · January 2014

I am so sorry you have gone through this. I, unfortunately have been down this road as well even though it was years ago. It sounds like you have a great support network around you and you have some great friends to help you out. When you're ready,I would strongly suggest counseling for both you and your fiance. It really is a wonderful tool. From someone who has been there, it will get better, eventually. "Sending support, prayers, and big hugs!"

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