rmueller89 said:I would have to say I disagree with some of the comments. If you only have room for "x" number of people, that's all you can invite. You already have your place, it sucks, but that's what you chose. Since it is your families boyfriends/girlfriends that you're contemplating, I would explain to them before you mail out the invitations what problem you came across. Just be honest,family members & your close friends should understand. If they don't come because they can't bring someone, then they can pout at home and miss your big day. Make sure you're sympathetic of their feelings & express how sorry you are that this has happened. It'll all work out though. I had to tell my mom she couldn't bring anyone to my wedding. She has been married & divorced 3 times. She's dated so many people since my husband and I met, it was a hard decision to make, but we didn't want some guy in a lot of our pictures that she was going to dump the next week. She wasn't happy, but she still came. She also broke up with the guy 1 month before the wedding, started to see someone else, wanted to bring them & broke up with them 1 week before the wedding- definitely proved my point; it's sad, but I'm really glad I didn't cave & let her bring someone we didn't know/someone who would have been in a lot of our pictures to then be out of the picture. I am really sorry you have to have those conversations, it's not easy. But you just need to be honest. And don't wait too long to say something, it would be better to give them as much notice as possible so they aren't talking to their boyfriends/girlfriends about going with them & leaving that date free. I hope your wedding is beautiful. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The thing is, nothing "happened to" the OP - she made a decision without doing her homework, and now it's bitten her in the ass. There are ways of fixing this. If she chooses not to employ any of the possible fixes, that's up to her. Whether the fixes are easy is not relevant here.
Honestly depending on how you handle this- it could seriously damage or end your relationships with your guests. I get that these are you family and close friends- but that could even make it worse because you are asking those closest to you to come and honor your relationship and in the same breath completely dismissing theirs. Please tell me- how does that make any sense?
You're dismissing relationships like they're nothing. I have bee with BF for years, but we're not engaged/married. If we were- would you allow him to come too? Honestly if you are inviting ANY of your guests SOs (married, engaged, whatever) you need to invite all of them or it looks like you're ranking relationships (Oh this relationship is serious, she can bring her SO, but no that other relationship isn't serious at all- that SO is not invited).
It's incredibly rude to not invite SO's. I don't care if you're my sister- if you told me I had to leave BF at home- I would not come where he was unwelcome. Of course, my sister would never be so rude.
But they didn't have a SO when I chose my venue. My guest list was finalized when I picked a venue.
I'm curious about your time frame and numbers. How long ago did you place a deposit on your venue? That is when you should have finalized your guest list. How many aunts and uncles are we discussing here? Was there some huge, mass family speed dating weekend or something?
I literally spit water on my keyboard over this. Maybe I'm tired, maybe I read that too quickly, but I imagined all the aunts and uncles going to the same speed-dating event (do they even do those anymore?) and just not sitting at the tables with their siblings, like skipping over them for the next eligible person.
Clearly I need more coffee.
I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
Yes I have already paid the deposit for my venue. Everyone on my guest list is family (or friends that I or my fiance have known for most of our lives). No one can be trimmed. I don't see why my aunts and uncles need to bring their girlfriends / boyfriends to my wedding when they will know almost everyone at the wedding anyways. It's not like they won't have someone to talk to. Why do I want to look at my wedding pictures in 20 years and have no clue who these people are in my pictures? Why do I have to share my special day with people I have never met? That doesn't make sense.
You are being rude and selfish. You invite social units together because it is incredibly rude to split them up. Why would you expect people to come and celebrate your new marriage when you can't respect their relationships? Frankly it sounds like you could stand to do some growing up before doing anything as serious as getting married.
Are you kidding me? (OP not Queen and Master of All Things Etiquette @grumbledore) Seriously this is kind of starting to piss me off.
You are NOT in a place to judge the seriousness/longevity of these relationships.
You can not expect everyone at your wedding to remain together. A quick glance at my guest book shows me that about 10 couples from my 100 person wedding are no longer together - INCLUDING MY OWN PARENTS. Relationships change.
Even non romantic relationships change. People move, you have falling outs. Coworkers move on to other companies. Some people die - INCLUDING OUR BEST MAN.
Do I regret including any these people in our wedding? Absolutely not.
My point is the world is in a constant state of flux and you can't look into a crystal ball and only invite the people that you KNOW will remain in their current relationships and stick around in your life. That's asinine. You just do the best you can and invite who is important to you at that particular time - AND their significant other (significant determined by them, not you).
Who cares if they know every single person in the room? What if they don't like them or want to socialize with them?
Weddings are a celebration of love and you expect them to want to do that without the person they love? Think about it this way - weddings involve eating, drinking, dancing, and socializing. If I have to do these things without my SO because he is unavailable, that's my choice. But I will always prefer to do that with him. It's like going to a restaurant requesting a table for 2 and the hostess tells you "sorry we only have room for one of you and we prefer married/serious couples only". You would leave, right? A wedding is no different.
But they didn't have a SO when I chose my venue. My guest list was finalized when I picked a venue.
I'm curious about your time frame and numbers. How long ago did you place a deposit on your venue? That is when you should have finalized your guest list. How many aunts and uncles are we discussing here? Was there some huge, mass family speed dating weekend or something?
I literally spit water on my keyboard over this. Maybe I'm tired, maybe I read that too quickly, but I imagined all the aunts and uncles going to the same speed-dating event (do they even do those anymore?) and just not sitting at the tables with their siblings, like skipping over them for the next eligible person.
This Monday, in addition to the general weather in March, can DIAF. I'm so over it.
I have more coffee now, so hopefully that'll help.
Thought of you, btw, @KeptInStitches, this weekend when I started to crochet a wedding present for some friends. I'm making a lap blanket, so it's basically chain on the right number of stitches, do the first row, which involves all the counting and hard parts, and then repeat mindlessly until it's the right length.
I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
- Forfeit the deposit and find another venue that can accommodate your budget and your actual guest list. Your maximum number should include you and your fiance, significant others of guests, and days for any single people over the age of 18. Any venue that's not big enough for that maximum is too small.
- Cut your guest list. If you can't afford to invite your aunts and uncles with their significant others, then don't invite your aunts and uncles. I get how hard this can be; our smallest guest list, where we couldn't cut any more people, was about 90, and that was assuming that no new relationships started (which, of course, they have). But the only people that MUST be present are you, your future spouse, and your officiant. So if you can't afford to invite significant others, then you can't afford to invite all the guests you already have.
- Be rude. Because, inevitably, you are in charge of your own behavior and decisions.
For lurkers:
You totally should make a guest list before you go venue hunting. We recommend that you make a list of the people you absolutely want to invite to your wedding, and include each person's significant other. If you have any single guests over the age of 18, add in a potential date for them (since, as we've pointed out in this thread, people might start new relationships after you pick a venue). Do you need to give every single guest a plus one? Hell no. But what you're doing is coming up with a head count that any potential venue would need to accommodate.
- Forfeit the deposit and find another venue that can accommodate your budget and your actual guest list. Your maximum number should include you and your fiance, significant others of guests, and days for any single people over the age of 18. Any venue that's not big enough for that maximum is too small.
- Cut your guest list. If you can't afford to invite your aunts and uncles with their significant others, then don't invite your aunts and uncles. I get how hard this can be; our smallest guest list, where we couldn't cut any more people, was about 90, and that was assuming that no new relationships started (which, of course, they have). But the only people that MUST be present are you, your future spouse, and your officiant. So if you can't afford to invite significant others, then you can't afford to invite all the guests you already have.
- Be rude. Because, inevitably, you are in charge of your own behavior and decisions.
For lurkers:
You totally should make a guest list before you go venue hunting. We recommend that you make a list of the people you absolutely want to invite to your wedding, and include each person's significant other. If you have any single guests over the age of 18, add in a potential date for them (since, as we've pointed out in this thread, people might start new relationships after you pick a venue). Do you need to give every single guest a plus one? Hell no. But what you're doing is coming up with a head count that any potential venue would need to accommodate.
I'm quoting and emphasizing this, because it is a critical part of planning and would have prevented the OP's problem in the 1st place.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
it's YOUR wedding - do what you want! i am having a very small wedding also and spoke to people individually about the same situation. everyone was very understanding! i do not believe that you should cancel your venue and find a new one because people are no longer single - that's nuts!
I would be incredibly hurt if, in the 10 years of dating before becoming engaged, FI and I were not invited to the wedding of a close friend/family member as a social unit. We'd honestly be furious, and it would irrevocably damage whatever relationship we had with this person. We attended 3 weddings over the course of a month several years ago. FI and I had been dating for longer than all of those couples combined. We have now been dating longer than all of those couples have been married combined. Just because we didn't place a priority on getting married didn't mean our relationship was not serious, and we would seriously have questioned why we were friends with people who didn't respect that.
it's YOUR wedding - do what you want! i am having a very small wedding also and spoke to people individually about the same situation. everyone was very understanding! i do not believe that you should cancel your venue and find a new one because people are no longer single - that's nuts!
Welcome to the Etiquette board, where we discuss how inviting people to your wedding means hosting them properly.
it's YOUR wedding - do what you want! i am having a very small wedding also and spoke to people individually about the same situation. everyone was very understanding! i do not believe that you should cancel your venue and find a new one because people are no longer single - that's nuts!
You are on the etiquette board. We are not going to validate bad ideas.
it's YOUR wedding - do what you want! i am having a very small wedding also and spoke to people individually about the same situation. everyone was very understanding! i do not believe that you should cancel your venue and find a new one because people are no longer single - that's nuts!
You are on the etiquette board. We are not going to validate bad ideas.
Of course not, but again we also need to be realistic in the advice we give
OP fucked up when planning her guest list and chose a venue that doesn't leave her room to invite the SO's she failed to plan for in the 1st place.
The solutions to this issue do not pass etiquette muster- cut ppl from the guest list who have already received an STD or stick with her original plan and not invite the SO's.
Either way ppl will be upset and she needs to apologize profusely and realize she may damage relationships with people.
Forfeiting her deposit and possibly paying a percentage of her contracted price and then choosing a new venue is the only Etiquette Approved solution, but it seems highly unlikely. I'm just trying to be realistic.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
it's YOUR wedding - do what you want! i am having a very small wedding also and spoke to people individually about the same situation. everyone was very understanding! i do not believe that you should cancel your venue and find a new one because people are no longer single - that's nuts!
This is bullshit. Let me tell you exactly WHY this is bullshit. My boss has been telling everyone at our work that absolutely nobody is invited to her wedding with a guest OR their significant other, unless already married (except for one cousin whose wife she doesn't like, only the cousin is getting an invite). She's been telling all of us because some of her family members--including a bridesmaid--are pissed that their bf/gf aren't invited. She thinks it's SOOOO rude that people assume they can just bring their SO. Meanwhile, every. single. one. of us at work just nods our head at her when she says these things, and all we can talk about among each other is how incredibly rude SHE'S being. Today, she told me that her venue can only hold 180 and her guest list is at 220, so there's gonna have to be a lot of declines before she can even consider letting someone bring their SO. She says unless people want to cough up the extra couple thousand to move to the bigger room at her venue, or unless people want to pay for their SO's plate, everyone's getting invited alone.
Do you know how that makes me feel? It makes me feel like an audience member to her grand affair, rather than someone she truly wants to share her wedding day with. Do you know how it makes the rest of my co-workers feel? Like she's a selfish bridezilla who only cares about herself. So, just an FYI, people may act understanding about your plans to your face, but I promise you that they're talking about you behind your back.
it's YOUR wedding - do what you want! i am having a very small wedding also and spoke to people individually about the same situation. everyone was very understanding! i do not believe that you should cancel your venue and find a new one because people are no longer single - that's nuts!
This is shitty advice and a shitty outlook about hosting your guests in general. Wedding reception = hosting guests, not glamoraza party just for celebrating the bride and groom.
it's YOUR wedding - do what you want! i am having a very small wedding also and spoke to people individually about the same situation. everyone was very understanding! i do not believe that you should cancel your venue and find a new one because people are no longer single - that's nuts!
Bottoms up, folks.
We started a drinking game about this, right? If not, we're starting one now.
it's YOUR wedding - do what you want! i am having a very small wedding also and spoke to people individually about the same situation. everyone was very understanding! i do not believe that you should cancel your venue and find a new one because people are no longer single - that's nuts!
Of course they were understanding to your face. You put them in an incredibly awkward situation and they probably didn't want to hurt your feelings by telling you how rude you are being. That doesn't mean they are happy about it or don't think you're being rude.
Why wouldn't you want to treat your nearest and dearest with love and respect? It doesn't matter what the hell is going on on any given day - selfish behavior is selfish behavior. What exactly about getting married makes people think it's okay to treat others poorly, especially those closest to them?
"[This is ok] only if you also omit the bridegroom, on the grounds that people who have rarely or never met him would not care to be in his company just because you happen to be marrying him" - Miss Manners.
not ok if your aunts uncles are in a relationship you need to invite them
i find it rude that people did not figure out the plus ones on the guest list beforehand.
i am close to all my cousins so they are all getting an invite plus so, husband or wife, only a few are going solo we have a list of 150 and out of those 150 only about 20 of them dont have so so they are getting just one invite and the wont have a so by the time we get married
"[This is ok] only if you also omit the bridegroom, on the grounds that people who have rarely or never met him would not care to be in his company just because you happen to be marrying him" - Miss Manners.
Well of course Miss Manners is right. If the bride and groom aren't married when the invitations go out, then of course they wouldn't be invited together. That's only for married people. Duh.
To the OPs credit, I think she clarified that these aunts and uncles did NOT have SOs when save the dates went out... She isn't talking about people who have been in year long relationships but aren't married and deeming them "not in a relationship."
As @PrettyGirlLost has stated, clearly the OP fucked up and now has to deal with her choices in the best way possible.
I am having a small wedding (family and a few very close friends only). I am on a tight budget so we have a small venue (our current guest list is 6 people below capacity of the room and that does not include me, my fiance, or a photographer, caterer, DJ, any of that.) I already have people in my family asking to bring their boyfriends / girlfriends and I don't know how to tell them no without offending them or turning them off from coming to my wedding. With it all being family members and they are all aunts and uncles so I have never had a role of authority over them. They are telling me that I have to let them bring a date because they are not married. I don't know what to tell them to get them to leave it alone and realize that I do want them at my wedding but there is no room for their guests. Any suggestions?
The bad news: you still do not have a role of authority over your aunts and uncles. Your role is one of hospitality -- considering their needs, thinking of their comfort before your own, honouring them as guests; not authority. But the good news is that as hostess, you do have authority over your guest-list: you get to decide whom you will offer hospitality to, within polite limits.
If your guests are not married (or equivalent-to-married, meaning living together non-platonically) and are not engaged (or equivalent-to-engaged, meaning they have made it clear in their social circle that they consider themselves a committed couple) then you do not need to invite escorts for them. You'll hear on this board that anyone who considers themselves to be in any sort of a relationship is entitled to an invitation for their chosen escort, but that is a kNot-etiquette rule rather than a rule of standard etiquette, and also nonsense: you cannot read people's minds to know what they consider about themselves, and there are all sorts of types of relationship that do not warrant recognition at a celebration of commitment, which is what a wedding is.
You say the same thing to people who are looking to turn your wedding into date-night, that you would say to people trying to turn it into a high-school reunion or a family children's party or a neighbourhood block party: "Oh, aunty, I am so sorry but we really are not able to extend any additional informations. I do hope you can attend anyway." If you are really lucky, you find a dragon-lady auntie or grandma who is not labouring under an impression of entitlement, and let her invoke the power of the Aunt Mafia on unruly relatives, in your support.
Best of luck, and may you have a lovely wedding.
(Oh, and it is obvious to me that the reason one has a DJ for an event under about twenty people, is to play music for dancing to. Where is it written that you cannot have dancing at a small party?)
I am having a small wedding (family and a few very close friends only). I am on a tight budget so we have a small venue (our current guest list is 6 people below capacity of the room and that does not include me, my fiance, or a photographer, caterer, DJ, any of that.) I already have people in my family asking to bring their boyfriends / girlfriends and I don't know how to tell them no without offending them or turning them off from coming to my wedding. With it all being family members and they are all aunts and uncles so I have never had a role of authority over them. They are telling me that I have to let them bring a date because they are not married. I don't know what to tell them to get them to leave it alone and realize that I do want them at my wedding but there is no room for their guests. Any suggestions?
The bad news: you still do not have a role of authority over your aunts and uncles. Your role is one of hospitality -- considering their needs, thinking of their comfort before your own, honouring them as guests; not authority. But the good news is that as hostess, you do have authority over your guest-list: you get to decide whom you will offer hospitality to, within polite limits.
If your guests are not married (or equivalent-to-married, meaning living together non-platonically) and are not engaged (or equivalent-to-engaged, meaning they have made it clear in their social circle that they consider themselves a committed couple) then you do not need to invite escorts for them. You'll hear on this board that anyone who considers themselves to be in any sort of a relationship is entitled to an invitation for their chosen escort, but that is a kNot-etiquette rule rather than a rule of standard etiquette, and also nonsense: you cannot read people's minds to know what they consider about themselves, and there are all sorts of types of relationship that do not warrant recognition at a celebration of commitment, which is what a wedding is.
You say the same thing to people who are looking to turn your wedding into date-night, that you would say to people trying to turn it into a high-school reunion or a family children's party or a neighbourhood block party: "Oh, aunty, I am so sorry but we really are not able to extend any additional informations. I do hope you can attend anyway." If you are really lucky, you find a dragon-lady auntie or grandma who is not labouring under an impression of entitlement, and let her invoke the power of the Aunt Mafia on unruly relatives, in your support.
Best of luck, and may you have a lovely wedding.
(Oh, and it is obvious to me that the reason one has a DJ for an event under about twenty people, is to play music for dancing to. Where is it written that you cannot have dancing at a small party?)
Obviously the DJ is for dancing. No one said you can't dance at a small party. But she's decided that having a DJ is more important than inviting SO's (based on her statement of having a tight budget). Priorities need to be adjusted.
I am having a small wedding (family and a few very close friends only). I am on a tight budget so we have a small venue (our current guest list is 6 people below capacity of the room and that does not include me, my fiance, or a photographer, caterer, DJ, any of that.) I already have people in my family asking to bring their boyfriends / girlfriends and I don't know how to tell them no without offending them or turning them off from coming to my wedding. With it all being family members and they are all aunts and uncles so I have never had a role of authority over them. They are telling me that I have to let them bring a date because they are not married. I don't know what to tell them to get them to leave it alone and realize that I do want them at my wedding but there is no room for their guests. Any suggestions?
The bad news: you still do not have a role of authority over your aunts and uncles. Your role is one of hospitality -- considering their needs, thinking of their comfort before your own, honouring them as guests; not authority. But the good news is that as hostess, you do have authority over your guest-list: you get to decide whom you will offer hospitality to, within polite limits.
If your guests are not married (or equivalent-to-married, meaning living together non-platonically) and are not engaged (or equivalent-to-engaged, meaning they have made it clear in their social circle that they consider themselves a committed couple) then you do not need to invite escorts for them. You'll hear on this board that anyone who considers themselves to be in any sort of a relationship is entitled to an invitation for their chosen escort, but that is a kNot-etiquette rule rather than a rule of standard etiquette,I'm pretty sure this is a Miss Manner's rule as well, and she is supposedly an etiquette authority. . . plus it is just common sense and common courtesy! and also nonsense: you cannot read people's minds to know what they consider about themselves, and there are all sorts of types of relationship that do not warrant recognition at a celebration of commitment, which is what a wedding is. We have been over this again and again and again- It's very easy to figure out if your relatives and friends are in a relationship- YOU JUST FREAKING ASK THEM!!! No mind reading involved. Then you leave it to them to decide if they want to bring that person to your wedding or not.
You say the same thing to people who are looking to turn your wedding into date-night, that you would say to people trying to turn it into a high-school reunion or a family children's party or a neighbourhood block party: "Oh, aunty, I am so sorry but we really are not able to extend any additional informations. I do hope you can attend anyway." If you are really lucky, you find a dragon-lady auntie or grandma who is not labouring under an impression of entitlement, and let her invoke the power of the Aunt Mafia on unruly relatives, in your support.
Best of luck, and may you have a lovely wedding.
(Oh, and it is obvious to me that the reason one has a DJ for an event under about twenty people, is to play music for dancing to. Where is it written that you cannot have dancing at a small party?)
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
I am having a small wedding (family and a few very close friends only). I am on a tight budget so we have a small venue (our current guest list is 6 people below capacity of the room and that does not include me, my fiance, or a photographer, caterer, DJ, any of that.) I already have people in my family asking to bring their boyfriends / girlfriends and I don't know how to tell them no without offending them or turning them off from coming to my wedding. With it all being family members and they are all aunts and uncles so I have never had a role of authority over them. They are telling me that I have to let them bring a date because they are not married. I don't know what to tell them to get them to leave it alone and realize that I do want them at my wedding but there is no room for their guests. Any suggestions?
The bad news: you still do not have a role of authority over your aunts and uncles. Your role is one of hospitality -- considering their needs, thinking of their comfort before your own, honouring them as guests; not authority. But the good news is that as hostess, you do have authority over your guest-list: you get to decide whom you will offer hospitality to, within polite limits.
If your guests are not married (or equivalent-to-married, meaning living together non-platonically) and are not engaged (or equivalent-to-engaged, meaning they have made it clear in their social circle that they consider themselves a committed couple) then you do not need to invite escorts for them. You'll hear on this board that anyone who considers themselves to be in any sort of a relationship is entitled to an invitation for their chosen escort, but that is a kNot-etiquette rule rather than a rule of standard etiquette, and also nonsense: you cannot read people's minds to know what they consider about themselves, and there are all sorts of types of relationship that do not warrant recognition at a celebration of commitment, which is what a wedding is.
You say the same thing to people who are looking to turn your wedding into date-night, that you would say to people trying to turn it into a high-school reunion or a family children's party or a neighbourhood block party: "Oh, aunty, I am so sorry but we really are not able to extend any additional informations. I do hope you can attend anyway." If you are really lucky, you find a dragon-lady auntie or grandma who is not labouring under an impression of entitlement, and let her invoke the power of the Aunt Mafia on unruly relatives, in your support.
Best of luck, and may you have a lovely wedding.
(Oh, and it is obvious to me that the reason one has a DJ for an event under about twenty people, is to play music for dancing to. Where is it written that you cannot have dancing at a small party?)
You're contradicting yourself here. If they've unequivocally said or otherwise made apparent "we are boyfriend/girlfriend", how have they not "made it clear in their social circle that they consider themselves a committed couple"? Moreover, you CANNOT read people's minds and therefore it is not your job to distinguish who considers themselves "serious" and who does not.
DH and I were engaged after 8 months of dating and moved in together shortly thereafter. Why would that warrant an invite over my BFF who dated her now-DH for five years before getting engaged? (They did not live together until after their wedding for religious reasons.)
DH and I got engaged on March 4th. So if an invite had gone out on April 30th when we were "only" BF/GF, you mean to tell me that we weren't "serious enough" to be invited together? It just makes no sense.
I am having a small wedding (family and a few very close friends only). I am on a tight budget so we have a small venue (our current guest list is 6 people below capacity of the room and that does not include me, my fiance, or a photographer, caterer, DJ, any of that.) I already have people in my family asking to bring their boyfriends / girlfriends and I don't know how to tell them no without offending them or turning them off from coming to my wedding. With it all being family members and they are all aunts and uncles so I have never had a role of authority over them. They are telling me that I have to let them bring a date because they are not married. I don't know what to tell them to get them to leave it alone and realize that I do want them at my wedding but there is no room for their guests. Any suggestions?
The bad news: you still do not have a role of authority over your aunts and uncles. Your role is one of hospitality -- considering their needs, thinking of their comfort before your own, honouring them as guests; not authority. But the good news is that as hostess, you do have authority over your guest-list: you get to decide whom you will offer hospitality to, within polite limits.
If your guests are not married (or equivalent-to-married, meaning living together non-platonically) and are not engaged (or equivalent-to-engaged, meaning they have made it clear in their social circle that they consider themselves a committed couple) then you do not need to invite escorts for them. You'll hear on this board that anyone who considers themselves to be in any sort of a relationship is entitled to an invitation for their chosen escort, but that is a kNot-etiquette rule rather than a rule of standard etiquette, and also nonsense: you cannot read people's minds to know what they consider about themselves, and there are all sorts of types of relationship that do not warrant recognition at a celebration of commitment, which is what a wedding is.
You say the same thing to people who are looking to turn your wedding into date-night, that you would say to people trying to turn it into a high-school reunion or a family children's party or a neighbourhood block party: "Oh, aunty, I am so sorry but we really are not able to extend any additional informations. I do hope you can attend anyway." If you are really lucky, you find a dragon-lady auntie or grandma who is not labouring under an impression of entitlement, and let her invoke the power of the Aunt Mafia on unruly relatives, in your support.
Best of luck, and may you have a lovely wedding.
(Oh, and it is obvious to me that the reason one has a DJ for an event under about twenty people, is to play music for dancing to. Where is it written that you cannot have dancing at a small party?)
The bolded, for the umpteenth fucking time, is BULLSHIT. BULLSHIT.
I don't know where you get your etiquette rules, I really don't, because most of them are out-of-date, some of them are correct but never for the situation to which you're trying to apply them, and then the rest, like your bolded statement are just made-up bullshit falsehoods.
MISS MANNERS -- the Queen of Etiquette herself -- says that anyone who considers themselves a couple must be invited together. Not a married or equivalent couple. Not an engaged or equivalent couple. Any couple is a social unit and must be recognised as such at a wedding.
Your belief that there are all sorts of relationships that don't deserve to be recognised is just...flabbergasting.
I am not Mormon, nor am I a member of the branch of the FLDS that allows multiple wives. But if I had a friend who was a Mormon who practised polygamy, you can bet your ass I would invite him and as many wives as he had.
You don't get to determine which relationships are worthy of acknowledging and which aren't. Period, full stop, end of sentence.
I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
Re: How do I tell people that they don't get a plus one?
I had to tell my mom she couldn't bring anyone to my wedding. She has been married & divorced 3 times. She's dated so many people since my husband and I met, it was a hard decision to make, but we didn't want some guy in a lot of our pictures that she was going to dump the next week. She wasn't happy, but she still came. She also broke up with the guy 1 month before the wedding, started to see someone else, wanted to bring them & broke up with them 1 week before the wedding- definitely proved my point; it's sad, but I'm really glad I didn't cave & let her bring someone we didn't know/someone who would have been in a lot of our pictures to then be out of the picture.
I am really sorry you have to have those conversations, it's not easy. But you just need to be honest. And don't wait too long to say something, it would be better to give them as much notice as possible so they aren't talking to their boyfriends/girlfriends about going with them & leaving that date free.
I hope your wedding is beautiful.
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The thing is, nothing "happened to" the OP - she made a decision without doing her homework, and now it's bitten her in the ass. There are ways of fixing this. If she chooses not to employ any of the possible fixes, that's up to her. Whether the fixes are easy is not relevant here.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
Of course not, but again we also need to be realistic in the advice we give
OP fucked up when planning her guest list and chose a venue that doesn't leave her room to invite the SO's she failed to plan for in the 1st place.
The solutions to this issue do not pass etiquette muster- cut ppl from the guest list who have already received an STD or stick with her original plan and not invite the SO's.
Either way ppl will be upset and she needs to apologize profusely and realize she may damage relationships with people.
Forfeiting her deposit and possibly paying a percentage of her contracted price and then choosing a new venue is the only Etiquette Approved solution, but it seems highly unlikely. I'm just trying to be realistic.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
Do you know how that makes me feel? It makes me feel like an audience member to her grand affair, rather than someone she truly wants to share her wedding day with. Do you know how it makes the rest of my co-workers feel? Like she's a selfish bridezilla who only cares about herself. So, just an FYI, people may act understanding about your plans to your face, but I promise you that they're talking about you behind your back.
Why wouldn't you want to treat your nearest and dearest with love and respect? It doesn't matter what the hell is going on on any given day - selfish behavior is selfish behavior. What exactly about getting married makes people think it's okay to treat others poorly, especially those closest to them?
i find it rude that people did not figure out the plus ones on the guest list beforehand.
i am close to all my cousins so they are all getting an invite plus so, husband or wife, only a few are going solo we have a list of 150 and out of those 150 only about 20 of them dont have so so they are getting just one invite and the wont have a so by the time we get married
The bad news: you still do not have a role of authority over your aunts and uncles. Your role is one of hospitality -- considering their needs, thinking of their comfort before your own, honouring them as guests; not authority. But the good news is that as hostess, you do have authority over your guest-list: you get to decide whom you will offer hospitality to, within polite limits.
If your guests are not married (or equivalent-to-married, meaning living together non-platonically) and are not engaged (or equivalent-to-engaged, meaning they have made it clear in their social circle that they consider themselves a committed couple) then you do not need to invite escorts for them. You'll hear on this board that anyone who considers themselves to be in any sort of a relationship is entitled to an invitation for their chosen escort, but that is a kNot-etiquette rule rather than a rule of standard etiquette, and also nonsense: you cannot read people's minds to know what they consider about themselves, and there are all sorts of types of relationship that do not warrant recognition at a celebration of commitment, which is what a wedding is.
You say the same thing to people who are looking to turn your wedding into date-night, that you would say to people trying to turn it into a high-school reunion or a family children's party or a neighbourhood block party: "Oh, aunty, I am so sorry but we really are not able to extend any additional informations. I do hope you can attend anyway." If you are really lucky, you find a dragon-lady auntie or grandma who is not labouring under an impression of entitlement, and let her invoke the power of the Aunt Mafia on unruly relatives, in your support.
Best of luck, and may you have a lovely wedding.
(Oh, and it is obvious to me that the reason one has a DJ for an event under about twenty people, is to play music for dancing to. Where is it written that you cannot have dancing at a small party?)
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
Seriously. I guess the first 10+ years FI and I were dating was just screwing around!