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What are your etiquette deal breakers?

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Re: What are your etiquette deal breakers?

  • pinkshorts27pinkshorts27 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    edited April 2014
    Listen, no need to curse first of all, all I'm saying that people are too picky. I'm not saying to NOT give a thank you note, I'm just saying asking for a thank you note right after the wedding when you are obviously celebrating your honeymoon is a little tough. If you're inviting a co-worker and have never met their SO then... that makes no sense... The asking for money thing, I agree it's tacky, and I would not do that... but some things people are putting is asking for too much... it's a wedding!! a PARTY!!! not an Oscars Award show... people...relax... if you don't like what's going on in a wedding or what's going to happen at a wedding leave or kindly reply no. That's all I'm saying people!!!! 
    1st bolded-Okay fair enough. We will be writing ours on our honeymoon because we go our separate ways two days after we get back. I'll agree with you there.

    2nd bolded: I'm inviting all co-workers with their SOs, as well as my cousins whose SOs I've never met. So I will disagree with you there. 


    ETA: the other stuff will not make me decline. I will decline if FI is not invited with me

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  • I'll say it again, money dances are supposed to be an "Italian thing" and yet my entire family finds them tacky and they are not done at our weddings.

    So I don't buy the "it's an insert ethnicity thing" rationale.

    Again, some people are into it, some people aren't...  But I don't think that the bride and groom expect everyone to participate.  Totally optional if you do or don't.  Can't guests just graciously decline by getting in line at the photo booth or the bar?  
  • lyndausvi

    I agree with you, I never said those things were ridiculous to ask for... as a matter of fact that makes sense, yeah... having food (I'm hispanic, you must have food), having a place to sit, and of course not asking for money makes sense. I've heard of couples inviting people who they KNOW will give them money or financially "well off" and I think that is gross... what I've been trying to say is that SOME etiquette expectations are a little much... a plate of food can easily cost $100+, and I'm not sure exactly who said this, but putting a little more money into your own wedding dress is not rude...it's her day... and if she want's to spend a little more money of herself (after feeding 100+ people) then what's the problem with that... just saying....
  • lyndausvi

    I agree with you, I never said those things were ridiculous to ask for... as a matter of fact that makes sense, yeah... having food (I'm hispanic, you must have food), having a place to sit, and of course not asking for money makes sense. I've heard of couples inviting people who they KNOW will give them money or financially "well off" and I think that is gross... what I've been trying to say is that SOME etiquette expectations are a little much... a plate of food can easily cost $100+, and I'm not sure exactly who said this, but putting a little more money into your own wedding dress is not rude...it's her day... and if she want's to spend a little more money of herself (after feeding 100+ people) then what's the problem with that... just saying....
    I said the dress thing. And if she puts money into her dress instead of renting enough chairs or charges for water, then that becomes a problem. If guests are properly hosted, then no problem.

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  • I would never leave a wedding early. This sounds more like a forum for people to complain and criticize other peoples weddings. Just because it's not your idea of what a wedding should be doesn't mean you can be rude to the bride and groom by leaving early. If you feel comfortable enough with cutting out early, then the couple is clearly not somebody you're close with and you should feel honored to get an invite at all.
  • I think a dollar dance, or money tree etc... Is very tacky, and looks desperate. Everything else for me I don't see it as a big deal. Inviting some significantl others, and not inviting some, also having a cash bar doesn't seem that big of a deal. All these costs lots of money, and if your paying for your own wedding, that can be a huge set back.
  • pinkshorts27

    Hey, If you can afford inviting all those extra people, then I honestly think that is great..however people will always be disappointed in your decisions whether you invite them and their SO, or don't invite them...it doesn't matter... (someone said earlier, that inviting everyone's SO can add up to 60 more guests...WHOA!)This is the bride and groom's day and to stress yourself over other people's opinions I think is ridiculous... Of course there are things that are polite, like having food for the appropriate time, having seats for everyone, not being a beggar, I get it... but everything else ... it's just added stress and pressure... like I said before people have the option of kindly declining... simple.

  • Again, some people are into it, some people aren't...  But I don't think that the bride and groom expect everyone to participate.  Totally optional if you do or don't.  Can't guests just graciously decline by getting in line at the photo booth or the bar?  
    My point was that it's not actually an Italian thing, as people will claim on here.  It's a family thing in those cases.

    I don't participate in those dances, I just quietly get up and go to the bar or the bathroom.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • Here in the UK a cash bar is normal and it's perfectly acceptable to be be invited to only the evening of a reception, in fact I've never been to an open bar wedding. I agree with feeding guests, seating, thank you cards etc.
    Also asking for money is a fairly new trend and to be honest I don't think it's any ruder than making a list of things you want and expecting people to buy them for you. Never heard of a dollar dance but it sounds bizarre.
  • pinkshorts27

    Hey, If you can afford inviting all those extra people, then I honestly think that is great..however people will always be disappointed in your decisions whether you invite them and their SO, or don't invite them...it doesn't matter... (someone said earlier, that inviting everyone's SO can add up to 60 more guests...WHOA!)This is the bride and groom's day and to stress yourself over other people's opinions I think is ridiculous... Of course there are things that are polite, like having food for the appropriate time, having seats for everyone, not being a beggar, I get it... but everything else ... it's just added stress and pressure... like I said before people have the option of kindly declining... simple.
    Gracecuriel  I can afford it because I set my guest list and budget and then selected venue and food. I planned for people to get into new relationships. If I didn't invite SOs I didn't know of my cousins and friends, I would be sitting at 180 instead of where I am (like 240-250+). If single people get in a relationships between now and then that will add on about 15.

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  • jdluvr06 said:
    I can't use bold on here for some reason but it really annoys me when people say things like that last line. Is it nice to be invited to weddings? Sometimes it is. Really though it should be the couple who are grateful that people are taking the time to attend your wedding. It can be a real hassle to go to a wedding and despite what some seem to believe it isn't some huge honor to be invited. The people who go to your wedding are being kind enough to support you and your partner. Be grateful. 
    This^


    lyndausvi

    I agree with you, I never said those things were ridiculous to ask for... as a matter of fact that makes sense, yeah... having food (I'm hispanic, you must have food), having a place to sit, and of course not asking for money makes sense. I've heard of couples inviting people who they KNOW will give them money or financially "well off" and I think that is gross... what I've been trying to say is that SOME etiquette expectations are a little much... a plate of food can easily cost $100+, and I'm not sure exactly who said this, but putting a little more money into your own wedding dress is not rude...it's her day... and if she want's to spend a little more money of herself (after feeding 100+ people) then what's the problem with that... just saying....
    The problem is spending hundreds or thousands of dollars on a dress that you will wear for less than an entire day, and then charging your guests for alcohol that is actually your responsibility to host, or skimping on food if you are having a 7pm reception, and then whining that weddings are expensive.

    My wedding is not MY Day.  It will be My day, my FI's day, our parents' day, all of our guests' days because they will take the time and money to honor us with their presence.

    Yes, my guests are honoring me with their presence.  Not the other way around.

    It's fine to by a designer dress, I'm not judging that.  But you can't waste money on superficial things w/o pissing ppl off, if you haven't invested the money to make sure your guests are hosted correctly 1st.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • What is PPD?  Also, I am getting married for the first time at 46.  I don't want to do a registry because I really don't need anything.  However, I was thinking of doing a honeymoon registry instead.  That would be so appreciated!  Is this tacky?

  • Weddings R Expensive is not an excuse to be rude when you then turn around and choose to buy a $2000 dress, a $5000 photographer, a very pricey reception venue, etc.  

    You can choose to spend that money on those things, but you don't get to blow your budget on superficial things and then whine that weddings are expensive so that is why you can't afford to pay for your guests' alcohol or their SO's to be with them, etc.

    It's not a matter of being disrespectful...it is their day...if they want to spend that money, then that's on them... It is rude...but it's still their day (and their money!). I mean really... a plate of food is ridiculously priced... and half of it doesn't even taste good...but does this all really matter??? A wedding is a celebration of a new step in the couple's lives... If the couple wants to invite their co-worker that just asked some girl to be his girlfriend a couple of months earlier, the couple should not have to re-adjust their wedding budget to fit in a person that they have never met much less their own co-worker just started dating. Let's be real... this is not a free food event. If you are truly there for the couple you go and your happy...people will survive without their gf and bf for ONE 4-5 hour night. I totally get it if your friends have put a ring on it... then yes...it's only right...but too technical!

  • I am pretty late on this convo. 

    I am a budget bride. I am very proud of my fiance and I and how we have budgeted our wedding and treated our guests. 

    The greatest part of our budget went to food and booze. It's doable! Budgeting for everyone we absolutely wanted there meant I had to get more cost conscious about my dress and decor.

    If you can't afford to have an open bar, do a partial bar (beer and wine, soda, water, etc) or a dry wedding. Have your wedding on a weekday, do a brunch instead, have it on an off season month, a sunday, a friday, or scale down on your guests. 

    I was about to have a PPD (cultural thing) and I didn't because I listened to the regulars here. Sure you get defensive at first, (it will happen) but they honestly mean well and we all need a dose of reality. 

    I think this goes along the lines of living outside of your means. If you can't afford something, scale back. My FSIL had a backyard wedding and hosted all her friends and family with Costco sandwiches and sodas. It was such a lovely wedding celebration!



    And that's exactly;y where the majority of your wedding budget should go, whether you have a $2000 budget, a $20,000 budget, or a $200,00 budget.

    Your reception- food and drinks, facility rental fees, applicable taxes, tips, and surcharges- should be 50%-65% of your total budget.

    I think many people get themselves into trouble because they never created their budgeted correctly, they didn't allocate their funds correctly, so they start using cash bars, not inviting SO's, etc as a way to dig themselves out of trouble.



    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."



  • Weddings R Expensive is not an excuse to be rude when you then turn around and choose to buy a $2000 dress, a $5000 photographer, a very pricey reception venue, etc.  

    You can choose to spend that money on those things, but you don't get to blow your budget on superficial things and then whine that weddings are expensive so that is why you can't afford to pay for your guests' alcohol or their SO's to be with them, etc.

    It's not a matter of being disrespectful...it is their day...if they want to spend that money, then that's on them... It is rude...but it's still their day (and their money!). I mean really... a plate of food is ridiculously priced... and half of it doesn't even taste good...but does this all really matter??? A wedding is a celebration of a new step in the couple's lives... If the couple wants to invite their co-worker that just asked some girl to be his girlfriend a couple of months earlier, the couple should not have to re-adjust their wedding budget to fit in a person that they have never met much less their own co-worker just started dating. Let's be real... this is not a free food event. If you are truly there for the couple you go and your happy...people will survive without their gf and bf for ONE 4-5 hour night. I totally get it if your friends have put a ring on it... then yes...it's only right...but too technical!

    I'm with you, right up until not inviting co-workers SO. But we can agree to disagree. I've always been taught every SO, always. So, I error on the side of not offending people. It may not offend you, but my boss Joey and my co-worker Susie are not people I would risk offending (names made up)

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  • What is PPD?  Also, I am getting married for the first time at 46.  I don't want to do a registry because I really don't need anything.  However, I was thinking of doing a honeymoon registry instead.  That would be so appreciated!  Is this tacky?
    @ggrossman77

    I would say yes. The honeymoon registry takes a cut of what your guests give you. So if Aunt Sally wanted you to have 100 dollars, you would only get 93. That adds up! So I would just not have a registry and if people ask, spread by word of mouth that you have everything you need but are saving up for a lovely honeymoon. Everyone knows cash is always an option. :)

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  • MegvGMegvG member
    First Comment
    edited April 2014
    To be fair though, not everyone can take gifts. My fiancé and I are getting married in the US and we live in Europe. Mostly my family is footing the bill and they live in the US, which is why we didn't have the wedding in Europe. Since we can't travel with gifts and the customs fees to bring things back over are ridiculous (sometimes cost more than the gift), plus the power cords don't match...we have asked for cash donations or contributions to our honeymoon if possible. But, we have also stated that since it costs a lot to travel for the wedding that we aren't expecting gifts but just would love for our loved ones to be able to attend.

    Many times it's not practical to have a long registry of things a couple does not need. I am 33 and my fiancé is 32. We already have all of the furniture, pots, pans, knives, etc. that anyone could ask for. Being able to actually use something without having to return a bunch of unneeded/unwanted gifts makes more sense.

    I used to work with bridal registries and so many guests buy off-registry things that they think the couple might need. Trust me, if it's not on the list, they don't need/want it. So many couples would return to the store to return thousands of dollars worth of gifts just to have the money. I'd rather give someone something they can use/have room for.
  • @prettygirllost

    The problem is spending hundreds or thousands of dollars on a dress that you will wear for less than an entire day, and then charging your guests for alcohol that is actually your responsibility to host, or skimping on food if you are having a 7pm reception, and then whining that weddings are expensive.

    My wedding is not MY Day.  It will be My day, my FI's day, our parents' day, all of our guests' days because they will take the time and money to honor us with their presence.

    Yes, my guests are honoring me with their presence.  Not the other way around.

    It's fine to by a designer dress, I'm not judging that.  But you can't waste money on superficial things w/o pissing ppl off, if you haven't invested the money to make sure your guests are hosted correctly 1st.

    Im not saying that one should walk down the aisle in a million dollar dress...but the bride should wear something she feels amazing in... if she wants to spend the money for her dress that she has to take pictures in and look at for the rest of her life...so be it. I don't think you should go and find the cheapest dress you can find because you HAVE TO invite people you have never met. Again, with the food... I totally agree food at the appropriate time is the right thing to do. There are ways to budget and have an awesome wedding, but like I said earlier...people will always complain, even if you have a million dollar wedding and you invite SOs, as well as their children's SOs...there will always be professional critics... and etiquette experts, as obviously we have on this board... It's your day, pray about it...do what's right financially and emotionally for you and your spouse to be, everyone else will get over it.... WE ARE ADULTS!!!!

  • Weddings R Expensive is not an excuse to be rude when you then turn around and choose to buy a $2000 dress, a $5000 photographer, a very pricey reception venue, etc.  

    You can choose to spend that money on those things, but you don't get to blow your budget on superficial things and then whine that weddings are expensive so that is why you can't afford to pay for your guests' alcohol or their SO's to be with them, etc.

    It's not a matter of being disrespectful...it is their day...if they want to spend that money, then that's on them... It's not their day once they strat inviting guests to participate in the day with them.  Again, the reception is a party hosted in honor of the guests- to thank them for coming to the wedding.  The reception is not all about the bride and groom.  It is rude...but it's still their day (and their money!).   Yep and they can choose to be educated on how to properly host people so that they don't come off as looking like selfish, rude people.  The reception should be 50%-65% of your total budget, no matter how high that budget is  After that, if you have the money left over to go buy a designer dress, then have at it!  I mean really... a plate of food is ridiculously priced... and half of it doesn't even taste good...but does this all really matter???   Yes it does, because your guests will not remember all of the superficial things about your wedding- what your dress looked like, what your venue looked like, what your flowers looked like.  They will only remember if they had a good time or not, if the food was awful or not, if they had to pay for drinks or not.  A wedding is a celebration of a new step in the couple's lives... If the couple wants to invite their co-worker that just asked some girl to be his girlfriend a couple of months earlier, the couple should not have to re-adjust their wedding budget to fit in a person that they have never met much less their own co-worker just started dating. Let's be real... this is not a free food event. If you are truly there for the couple you go and your happy...people will survive without their gf and bf for ONE 4-5 hour night. I totally get it if your friends have put a ring on it... then yes...it's only right...but too technical! Oh God, not No Ring NO Bring- aaaaaaah!



    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • @prettygirllost

    The problem is spending hundreds or thousands of dollars on a dress that you will wear for less than an entire day, and then charging your guests for alcohol that is actually your responsibility to host, or skimping on food if you are having a 7pm reception, and then whining that weddings are expensive.

    My wedding is not MY Day.  It will be My day, my FI's day, our parents' day, all of our guests' days because they will take the time and money to honor us with their presence.

    Yes, my guests are honoring me with their presence.  Not the other way around.

    It's fine to by a designer dress, I'm not judging that.  But you can't waste money on superficial things w/o pissing ppl off, if you haven't invested the money to make sure your guests are hosted correctly 1st.

    Im not saying that one should walk down the aisle in a million dollar dress...but the bride should wear something she feels amazing in... if she wants to spend the money for her dress that she has to take pictures in and look at for the rest of her life...so be it. I don't think you should go and find the cheapest dress you can find because you HAVE TO invite people you have never met. Again, with the food... I totally agree food at the appropriate time is the right thing to do. There are ways to budget and have an awesome wedding, but like I said earlier...people will always complain, even if you have a million dollar wedding and you invite SOs, as well as their children's SOs...there will always be professional critics... and etiquette experts, as obviously we have on this board... It's your day, pray about it...do what's right financially and emotionally for you and your spouse to be, everyone else will get over it.... WE ARE ADULTS!!!!
    The thing is, I'm not making my decisions so people won't complain. In fact, people's complaints did not play a role at all. I'm making them because they are the right thing to do.  

    I don't have to have steak, some people may not like chicken or fish, but there is a veggie option. Some people may complain about lack of steak or hard alcohol. Doesn't mean that is an etiquette mistake. It means they are being brats.  But I don't have a leg to stand on, if I don't properly host them (ie. offer them some food at meal time and respect their relationships). 

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  • @prettygirllost

    The problem is spending hundreds or thousands of dollars on a dress that you will wear for less than an entire day, and then charging your guests for alcohol that is actually your responsibility to host, or skimping on food if you are having a 7pm reception, and then whining that weddings are expensive.

    My wedding is not MY Day.  It will be My day, my FI's day, our parents' day, all of our guests' days because they will take the time and money to honor us with their presence.

    Yes, my guests are honoring me with their presence.  Not the other way around.

    It's fine to by a designer dress, I'm not judging that.  But you can't waste money on superficial things w/o pissing ppl off, if you haven't invested the money to make sure your guests are hosted correctly 1st.

    Im not saying that one should walk down the aisle in a million dollar dress...but the bride should wear something she feels amazing in... if she wants to spend the money for her dress that she has to take pictures in and look at for the rest of her life...so be it. I don't think you should go and find the cheapest dress you can find because you HAVE TO invite people you have never met. Again, with the food... I totally agree food at the appropriate time is the right thing to do. There are ways to budget and have an awesome wedding, but like I said earlier...people will always complain, even if you have a million dollar wedding and you invite SOs, as well as their children's SOs...there will always be professional critics... and etiquette experts, as obviously we have on this board... It's your day, pray about it...do what's right financially and emotionally for you and your spouse to be, everyone else will get over it.... WE ARE ADULTS!!!!
    Actually, people don't get over it.  Go read the Worst Wedding thread.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • MegvG said:
    To be fair though, not everyone can take gifts. My fiancé and I are getting married in the US and we live in Europe. Mostly my family is footing the bill and they live in the US, which is why we didn't have the wedding in Europe. Since we can't travel with gifts and the customs to bring things over, plus the power cords don't match...we have asked for cash donations or contributions to our honeymoon if possible. But, we have also stated that since it costs a lot to travel for the wedding that we aren't expecting gifts but just would love for our loved ones to be able to attend.

    Many times it's not practical to have a long registry of things a couple does not need. I am 33 and my fiancé is 32. We already have all of the furniture, pots, pans, knives, etc. that anyone could ask for. Being able to actually use something without having to return a bunch of unneeded/unwanted gifts makes more sense.

    I used to work with bridal registries and believe me, so many guests buy off-registry things that they think the couple might need. Trust me, if it's not on the list, they don't need/want it. So many couples would return to the store to return thousands of dollars worth of gifts just to have the money. I'd rather give someone something they can use/have room for.
    who doesn't know cash is always an option?

    If you don't need anything just do not register.  Do not have a shower if  you do not need anything.

    I would hope our stateside guests would be smart enough to know that it's not practical for you to get gifts back home.   I lived in a territory and 95% of our gifts were cash without a money registry.  The 5% physical gifts were mostly hand made stuff that I shipped home and cherish everyday.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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