What are your etiquette deal breakers?

lyndausvi · April 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

@Simky906 @HisGirlFriday13
I'm so sorry, I can see why it was a little confusing.
Church weddings in Mexico are NOT legally binding. To be legally married you have to have a wedding with a judge and a few witnesses, sign the paperwork, etc. and it takes about 15 to 20 minutes because it's only a formality. If you're not catholic, or religious and only have the "legal" wedding, then you MUST invite everyone to attend, that part is obvious to me.

Why 2 ceremonies? Because in Mexico and catholic families church weddings are the IMPORTANT wedding even if they're not valid for legal purposes. In the Church wedding is where you exchange vows, rings, when dad walks you down the aisle etc. It's the ceremony that everyone wants to attend because it's the one that's full with all the emotional moments.

I know it's kind of different... but most weddings here are like this. There are also other couples that go down to city hall with a couple witnesses to get the legal part out of the way and have their wedding with only the church ceremony and the reception days or weeks later. We don't want to do that because we want our siblings to be our witnesses and it would be impractical to have them all fly to the legal wedding and then again for the church wedding. It's easier if we have it the same day because they will be already there.

There's also the option of having the signing done in the reception, but don't you think it would be king of tedious after the church ceremony to have to sit through that?

I thought it would be more thoughtful to have everybody entertained an comfy while we take care of business because to us that's what the legal part really is, haha.. I don't know..:(
This is how Europe works, too. I'd suggest doing the Catholic Mass first, because that's the part everyone came to see, and then doing the the judge part later, but I recognise that with your time line that might not be feasible. If not, no big deal. Because the religious part matters more to you (an opinion I share), and because of the bifurcation of your marriage laws, I understand why you're doing two ceremonies, and that makes sense. Also, key element, you're not lying, because all your guests will know that the religious ceremony wasn't legally binding, but they'll be properly hosted and not lied to.

I'm not sure about Mexico, but in a lot of European countries the civil ceremony has to be done first.

Ah! I did not know that. Thanks!!

For example, Prince Albert of Monaco and Charlene had their civil ceremony the day before their Catholic one. That is pretty standard in a lot of European countries. I think in France a religious clergy can't marry until there is a civil ceremony. Sadly I know that because of Kimye.

PrettyGirlLost · April 2014

Gracecuriel said:

@viczaesar Seriously get a life!!!!!! All you've done here is make fun of people. Who made you wedding guru? Wow, I have never seen someone be so disgusting and rude, and quite frankly tasteless. Whoever you are, you are what the internet needs to watch out for -a cyber bully! I'm disgusted by your posts, just nasty!

Bingo!! I got Bingo. . . what do I win?

HisGirlFriday13 · April 2014

gtgm89 said:

lyndausvi said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

gtgm89 said:
@Simky906 @HisGirlFriday13
I'm so sorry, I can see why it was a little confusing.
Church weddings in Mexico are NOT legally binding. To be legally married you have to have a wedding with a judge and a few witnesses, sign the paperwork, etc. and it takes about 15 to 20 minutes because it's only a formality. If you're not catholic, or religious and only have the "legal" wedding, then you MUST invite everyone to attend, that part is obvious to me.

Why 2 ceremonies? Because in Mexico and catholic families church weddings are the IMPORTANT wedding even if they're not valid for legal purposes. In the Church wedding is where you exchange vows, rings, when dad walks you down the aisle etc. It's the ceremony that everyone wants to attend because it's the one that's full with all the emotional moments.

I know it's kind of different... but most weddings here are like this. There are also other couples that go down to city hall with a couple witnesses to get the legal part out of the way and have their wedding with only the church ceremony and the reception days or weeks later. We don't want to do that because we want our siblings to be our witnesses and it would be impractical to have them all fly to the legal wedding and then again for the church wedding. It's easier if we have it the same day because they will be already there.

There's also the option of having the signing done in the reception, but don't you think it would be king of tedious after the church ceremony to have to sit through that?

I thought it would be more thoughtful to have everybody entertained an comfy while we take care of business because to us that's what the legal part really is, haha.. I don't know..:(
This is how Europe works, too.

I'd suggest doing the Catholic Mass first, because that's the part everyone came to see, and then doing the the judge part later, but I recognise that with your time line that might not be feasible. If not, no big deal.

Because the religious part matters more to you (an opinion I share), and because of the bifurcation of your marriage laws, I understand why you're doing two ceremonies, and that makes sense.

Also, key element, you're not lying, because all your guests will know that the religious ceremony wasn't legally binding, but they'll be properly hosted and not lied to.

I'm not sure about Mexico, but in a lot of European countries the civil ceremony has to be done first.

Of course, people here know how the 2 wedding thing works, an are not offended of they're not invited to the civil part, because they're not expecting it... it would be very rude on the other hand not to invite them to the Church ceremony. What has me a bit worried is the part about keeping the guests waiting for us while we do the civil part. That's why I thought we could do something, kind of like what other brides have mentioned here about their cocktail hours to keep properly hosting our guests, but instead of using that time for photos it would be for the civil wedding (as we are having our pictures taken before the church wedding).

I had that concern too, about needing to be legally married to be allowed to be married by the church, but we already asked in the church and we don't need to

... we can have the Church Mass first.

If you can do it during the cocktail hour, that's what I'd recommend -- just do it quickly while guests are being otherwise hosted.

pinkshorts27 · April 2014

JCBride2014 said:

Wow, thanks ladies for fighting the good fight in here! Just came back to like 100 new posts! @pinkshorts27 (new name, btw?) and @shrekspeare have both made the excellent point that a low budget has nothing to do with etiquette. A cash bar is rude, yes-- but the only alternative doesn't have to be a full open bar. You can have just beer and wine, a signature cocktail, or simply a dry wedding. What's rude is differentiating your guests based on who has disposable income for liquor and who doesn't.

BTW, cash bars do nothing to deter irresponsible drinking. If the alcoholics in your life can get drunk every other day of the year when they are buying the alcohol themselves, your wedding will be no different.

And LOL at the "we should support each other because we're all women" thing. This is an etiquette board, and we "support" each other by providing correct (if blunt or sometimes snarky) etiquette advice. I really would want to know if something I'm planning is rude to my guests. Gaps, dollar dances, and Honeyfunds are all common in Fi's family and I am glad we know not to do any of that stuff now. I would have been really embarrassed to make a faux pas like that, and I welcome the advice of posters on here so I don't offend my IRL friends and family.

I did what I could. I really am not arguing to argue. I want people to learn about this so they can respect their loved ones. I don't want anyone to alienate or offend their family or friends. Sorry I disappeared, had to go to the gym and get some exercise. Still planning for my own wedding

Also, yea I changed for some personal reasons. Same old me though. (Though I am new and just got a badge for 1000 comments! yay! I seem to be doing pretty well for myself here)

pinkshorts27 · April 2014

gtgm89 I agree with hisgirl. Also we have always said that the exception to these PPDs are countries were they are legally separate. In the US the pastor that performs my wedding will be legally and religiously binding.

RebeccaB88 · April 2014

Wow. I'm feeling like I'm the one some of this is directed at, because I did say that pretty much anything bugs me to one extent or another. It does. Am I going to make a huge scene and storm out over any of it? Hell no! That's rude! You (bride/groom/host you) would never know I was offended by what I say or do to you. I will handle it privately, and by not participating in it if I can help it. And really, I'm not hard to please.

I'll be pleased if you provide:
A chair.
A beverage I don't have to pay for. (Doesn't have to be alcoholic.)
Food appropriate to the time of day. (A piece of cake at 3pm is perfect, a piece of cake at 6pm is not.)
Reasonable accomodation for the weather. (Like if it rains for an outdoor ceremony.)
Verbal thanks for attending/verbal greeting.

My only dealbreakers (meaning I will decline off the top, politely, no explanation other than I'm unable to attend):
Not inviting my SO.
B listing me.
Tiering me.

How I'll handle things if:

You don't have chairs for the ceremony...I'll find a place to sit, even if I can't hear/see the ceremony, in my car if necessary.

You don't have chairs for the reception...I'll stand until I don't want to stand anymore, then I'll quietly slip out, whether I'm there for 15 minutes or 3 hours.

You have a cash bar...I'll drink whatever is hosted, even if it's water from the fountain in the hallway, and may or may not be pleased with that.

You have a dollar dance...I'll suddenly need to return a very important phone call from the privacy of my car, that lasts just as long as the dollar dance does.

You have a wishing well or money tree...I'll ignore it.

You have a bouquet/garter toss...I'll need to visit the restroom.

You have no meal at a mealtime...I'll enjoy a cocktail hour and appetizers, make sure to say hi to you and give you a hug, then quietly slip out to get dinner.

You have a potluck reception...I'll come enjoy your ceremony, give you a hug and congratulations, then slip out quietly without stressing you about my eating and drinking because I didn't bring a dish to share.

You ask for cash or have a honeymoon registry...I'll select a gift or gift card I think you'll like that's within my budget.

You have a cash shower...I'll have a previous engagement.

You don't send me a thank you note...I'll assume you don't need any more gifts from me, ever.

You have a gap...I'll decide which portion of your event I'd like to attend, if I'm able to attend either.

And if you really, truly think your friends and family will NOT be talking about you behind your back if they think you're being rude or not treating your guests well, then I have some oceanfront property in Nebraska that you will just LOVE. Get real. They'll talk. No one is THAT nice. They'll talk especially if they have reason to say 'but I thought she cared about us!'. You betcha word will get around. And if you really don't care at all one bit if someone is rude to you, then I think you might be beyond help, because feeling hurt is a basic human emotion. If you can't feel emotions then you have a problem way bigger than anything any of us can help with.

One of the best weddings I've EVER attended was the one on a shoestring budget by two kids just out of college and working entry level jobs. I had a chair, a hosted beverage (ever tried lemonade spiked with champagne?), a plate of food for dinner that wasn't fancy or expensive, but was tasty and filling, shelter from the heat, and a carefully chosen group of people who just wanted to hang out and have fun. They did all that and still had room in the budget for a dj and basic photographer. They saved up, took second jobs, and paid for it themselves. It was a ball. And it was in all ways appropriately hosted and within (even UNDER) their budget.

I've never been to a bad wedding, but one of the most boring ones was at a fancy hotel ballroom with a full open bar, band, and multiple course plated meal. The bride and groom didn't greet, thank, or interact with their guests. The toasts were long, rambly, and full of inside jokes that no one got but the couple. The food was so fiddly that it was either cold or lukewarm by the time we got it (and I only got to eat 2 of the 4 courses due to food allergies - I picked my own entree and the cake was plain but good). The band was old and sucked and the only people who wanted to dance were the senior citizen crowd. Not even the bar saved this party. Most people left when they realized the only things moving were the band members and the booze (and those just barely).

If you don't see what we're saying by now, then you don't want to.

weashleyi · April 2014

RebeccaB88 said:

Wow. I'm feeling like I'm the one some of this is directed at, because I did say that pretty much anything bugs me to one extent or another. It does. Am I going to make a huge scene and storm out over any of it? Hell no! That's rude! You (bride/groom/host you) would never know I was offended by what I say or do to you. I will handle it privately, and by not participating in it if I can help it. And really, I'm not hard to please.

I'll be pleased if you provide:
A chair.
A beverage I don't have to pay for. (Doesn't have to be alcoholic.)
Food appropriate to the time of day. (A piece of cake at 3pm is perfect, a piece of cake at 6pm is not.)
Reasonable accomodation for the weather. (Like if it rains for an outdoor ceremony.)
Verbal thanks for attending/verbal greeting.

My only dealbreakers (meaning I will decline off the top, politely, no explanation other than I'm unable to attend):
Not inviting my SO.
B listing me.
Tiering me.

You want a CHAIR?? To sit on?? Some people are so needy.

I kid. I do have a question though. After looking through this thread I've already made at least two errors so far:

1. Partially hosted bar - 2 drinks of whatever they want; free water and soda though.
2. SOs. My wedding party and anyone in a serious relationship get SOs (marital status is irrelevant). No one got "plus a guest" on their invite. I would have given anyone in my wedding party a casual plus one invite (bring your girlfriend of 4 days for all I care), but it was not applicable.

Another mistake I could actually fix is seating. So I'm having a DW and the ceremony is outdoors followed by a reception indoors at the same venue. There's a 1.5 hr cocktail...hour...between the ceremony and reception which takes place in the lobby area. There are cocktail tables, chairs, some sofa/lounge chairs, and a furnished patio. However, I'm not 100% sure if there are enough seats for everyone to be sitting simultaneously in the cocktail area. I sort of assumed people would mingle and meander around. Should I ensure that there's a 1:1 guest-to-seat ratio during the cocktail hour? I may opt to let them into the dinner area early if this is the case. (The ceremony and reception/dinner area obviously have enough seating).

At least I don't believe I've created a "gap" anywhere. The cocktail hour is a bit long, but a plated dinner follows that, so hopefully people will stick around for the free food.

Thanks for the posts. There's a lot of stuff on here that would never occur to me. I guess my family is pretty laid back about this sort of thing.

I don't think I've ever been to a wedding with a hosted bar (I thought our two voucher system was super-fancy; guess not), and I thought some of the cutesy games are fun. I like the advice mad-libs guests can fill out while they wait for photographs to be done. I also enjoyed the shoe game (we are doing this; it takes like five minutes, and the guests at least seemed to enjoy it--It was my favorite part of the last wedding I went to). Are these some of the "cutesy" games people are referring to?

Viczaesar · April 2014

Gracecuriel said:

@viczaesar Seriously get a life!!!!!! All you've done here is make fun of people. Who made you wedding guru? Wow, I have never seen someone be so disgusting and rude, and quite frankly tasteless. Whoever you are, you are what the internet needs to watch out for -a cyber bully! I'm disgusted by your posts, just nasty!

Okay then, Crazy. Thanks for not PMing me again, by the way. I prefer these kinds of posts to be made publicly, not privately.

gg&ld14 · April 2014

pinkshorts27 said:

gtgm89 I agree with hisgirl. Also we have always said that the exception to these PPDs are countries were they are legally separate. In the US the pastor that performs my wedding will be legally and religiously binding.

You girls are so lucky! It's a lot easier that way!! But yeah, the only thing I'm trying to accomplish here is to show our guests that we appreciate the effort they're making to be with us that day, and for them to have a great time and be as happy as we will be, and spare them uncomfortable moments. For me that's the important part about etiquette, being the best host you can be within you budget and your circumstances to show that you CARE that your guests are there. It's very interesting for me reading about all this stuff because a) I'm 25, the first of my friends getting married.. so I don't have many references or examples. b) There are a lot of other silly traditions that people have mentioned here that I have ever heard of! Dollar dances? GOD NO! hahaha I don't find it insulting, I think its hilarious! But I would never do it...

And that thing about sitting people with strangers? NO NO..! If the guests want to mingle and meet knew people they will, I would never force them.

Do people really ask their guests to bring their own dinner?? In my hometown it's unthinkable to ask people to bring food if you're hosting, even if it's a sunday barbecue. It's like.. WRONG. haha

I think that would make me decline an invitation, and obviously my SO not being invited.. but for me that would be the only reasons

gg&ld14 · April 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

lyndausvi said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

@Simky906 @HisGirlFriday13
I'm so sorry, I can see why it was a little confusing.
Church weddings in Mexico are NOT legally binding. To be legally married you have to have a wedding with a judge and a few witnesses, sign the paperwork, etc. and it takes about 15 to 20 minutes because it's only a formality. If you're not catholic, or religious and only have the "legal" wedding, then you MUST invite everyone to attend, that part is obvious to me.

Why 2 ceremonies? Because in Mexico and catholic families church weddings are the IMPORTANT wedding even if they're not valid for legal purposes. In the Church wedding is where you exchange vows, rings, when dad walks you down the aisle etc. It's the ceremony that everyone wants to attend because it's the one that's full with all the emotional moments.

I know it's kind of different... but most weddings here are like this. There are also other couples that go down to city hall with a couple witnesses to get the legal part out of the way and have their wedding with only the church ceremony and the reception days or weeks later. We don't want to do that because we want our siblings to be our witnesses and it would be impractical to have them all fly to the legal wedding and then again for the church wedding. It's easier if we have it the same day because they will be already there.

There's also the option of having the signing done in the reception, but don't you think it would be king of tedious after the church ceremony to have to sit through that?

I thought it would be more thoughtful to have everybody entertained an comfy while we take care of business because to us that's what the legal part really is, haha.. I don't know..:(
This is how Europe works, too. I'd suggest doing the Catholic Mass first, because that's the part everyone came to see, and then doing the the judge part later, but I recognise that with your time line that might not be feasible. If not, no big deal. Because the religious part matters more to you (an opinion I share), and because of the bifurcation of your marriage laws, I understand why you're doing two ceremonies, and that makes sense. Also, key element, you're not lying, because all your guests will know that the religious ceremony wasn't legally binding, but they'll be properly hosted and not lied to.

I'm not sure about Mexico, but in a lot of European countries the civil ceremony has to be done first.

Of course, people here know how the 2 wedding thing works, an are not offended of they're not invited to the civil part, because they're not expecting it... it would be very rude on the other hand not to invite them to the Church ceremony. What has me a bit worried is the part about keeping the guests waiting for us while we do the civil part. That's why I thought we could do something, kind of like what other brides have mentioned here about their cocktail hours to keep properly hosting our guests, but instead of using that time for photos it would be for the civil wedding (as we are having our pictures taken before the church wedding).

I had that concern too, about needing to be legally married to be allowed to be married by the church, but we already asked in the church and we don't need to ... we can have the Church Mass first.
If you can do it during the cocktail hour, that's what I'd recommend -- just do it quickly while guests are being otherwise hosted.

yay! thank you so much for the input... I was panicking a little. Yes, the civil wedding should last half and hour.. 40 minutes tops... so it's well within the "cocktail hour" limit. I'm so excited! can't wait:)

MegvG · April 2014

lyndausvi said:
who doesn't know cash is always an option?

If you don't need anything just do not register. Do not have a shower if you do not need anything.

I would hope our stateside guests would be smart enough to know that it's not practical for you to get gifts back home. I lived in a territory and 95% of our gifts were cash without a money registry. The 5% physical gifts were mostly hand made stuff that I shipped home and cherish everyday.

To clarify, we have not registered and we are not having a shower either. We stated very clearly that we were not expecting gifts since so many have to travel to be with us. You'd be surprised how many people think, "well, nobody else will give them gifts, so they should be able to travel with the one I want to give them." It is something that happened to 2 friends of mine and they ended up paying through the nose for the customs fees.

Rest assured about the reception though. It is a single location that does the ceremony, reception (tons of food and open bar), and then there are enough rooms for everyone to stay the night so no one drives home drunk. We are even shelling out for brunch the next day. At least I know my guests won't want for anything and if the worst thing they can say is that we "did not expect gifts, but if anyone insisted, we'd accept monetary donations", so be it.

graycphil413 · April 2014

@Couggal12
Believe me I do, there's constructive criticism, then there's people who read each and every post, then try to make others feel bad about their questions or opinions. Purposely making fun of every single thing they write or do. There are different ranges of cyber bullying and for one thing, I said watch out for the upcoming cyber bullying, because that's what next. By the way, I don't get how hear boards help anyone, you get bombarded with negative feedback anyway by people who were married like 10 years ago, times have changed, I'll leave it to the planners for my questions. This is ridiculous!

gina0110 · April 2014

.

kmmssg · April 2014

Gracecuriel said:

@Couggal12 Believe me I do, there's constructive criticism, then there's people who read each and every post, then try to make others feel bad about their questions or opinions. Purposely making fun of every single thing they write or do. There are different ranges of cyber bullying and for one thing, I said watch out for the upcoming cyber bullying, because that's what next. By the way, I don't get how hear boards help anyone, you get bombarded with negative feedback anyway by people who were married like 10 years ago, times have changed, I'll leave it to the planners for my questions. This is ridiculous!

In what way have times changed? I am a 4 time MOB who has been married twice (1980 and 1996). My DD's were married in 2005 (2 of them), 2009, and the last one is in June. In all honesty I can think of NOTHING in etiquette that has changed between 1980 and now.

Have the kinds of weddings couples want to have changed between 1980 and now changed? Yes. Bigger weddings cost a major chunk of one's annual income. That is a choice, not something that is mandatory.

For both of my weddings my guests had comfortable seating, shelter from the weather, free beverages (beer/wine at the first one, second one was a dry wedding) no gaps and food that was appropriate for the time of day. We registered but we didn't ask for money.

Let's see - for all of my girls, their guests had comfortable seating, shelter from the weather, open bars, no gaps, good food (all had dinner) and they didn't ask for money. Between 1980 and 2014 I can't see how times have changed that would affect how one hosts their guests.

This is how we do it:

1. Set the budget. We are a blended family and have paid for the lion's share of their weddings, but each couple has kicked in some money too. The budget was set based on real time budgets not a "we can save ten grand in the nest year...I hope"

2. Set the guest list. OK, we have XX amount of money to spend on XX amount of guests.

3. Where can we host that many people properly for that amount of money.

It is a no fail formula.

We don't have 20,000.00 dollar weddings in our family. We rent a venue where we can bring in the caterer of our choice, our own alcohol, hire a licensed bartender of our choice, and do the work ourselves. We set up and we tear down. It is a LOT of work and I also hire 3 or 4 cheerleaders from a local highschool to be runners/gophers/cleaneruppers. My SIL is the varsity coach. I pay them and the money goes into their cheerleading camp account. Win/win for all.

Can I afford a wedding for 150-175 at a hotel with in-house catering and their own liquor license? No way. Can I afford that wedding with really good food, our own alcohol, and a great DJ if we do a ton of the work ourselves? Yes, I can.

I could afford a wedding at a hotel if I had a cash bar but that means I am saying "I can't afford this part of the bill dear friends and family so you get to cover it for me."

The golden rule for our weddings is our guests are treated like gold and they pay for nothing. If the girls want a much fancier wedding they know it requires a small guest list. If they want to include everyone they love, they know there will be some elbow grease involved.

So, @gracecuriel, can you please tell me what exactly has changed in the past 10 years?

NYCBruin · April 2014

So what I'm gathering are that people who care about their guests and are honored that they are attending their wedding believe proper hosting is important. People who believe their guests should be honored by the chance to attend their wedding because they are SO SPECIAL think that it's ok to treat their guests poorly. Etiquette aside, aren't the people you're inviting your nearest and dearest? Why wouldn't you want to go out of your way or sacrifice something that only really benefits you to make sure they are taken care of?

Also, for the love of all things holy, not one person has said that not having an open bar is rude so stop pretending like they did. There are plenty of non-rude bar choices that are not an open bar (beer and wine, limited, dry).

dwhereicome · April 2014

thesummersky said:

With worst being first:

Being lied or omitted to about what to expect at the ceremony or reception (think PPD).

Not inviting SO - or being the SO that wasn't invited. Not sure which is worse.

Having to pay for anything at the reception.

Not being thanked.

Tiered events - or really, just not enough of anything for every guest.

Guests addressing thank you notes? ...that's a thing? Well I guess that's on here too!

WHAT are PPDs please?

Maggie0829 · April 2014

For those asking a PPD is where a couple reenacts there wedding. Meaning the couple was married a week or a month or a year or whatever in a small ceremony or at the courthouse. They then plan an elaborate "wedding" where they play bride and groom and do the whole shabang all over again. Typically with PPDs the couple fails to tell anyone that they are already married so that their guests are truly "in the moment" at their fake wedding.

grumbledore · April 2014

LDay2014 · April 2014

You know what I don't understand? Why some brides would rather spend $50 - $100 per person to feed someone they barely know (ie obligatory invites) than spend the $50 - $100 per person and then host a proper or limited bar for the people they actually WANT there.

When FI and I sat down to look at the guest list, I asked him for each person...'would you take them out for dinner at a fancy restaurant and pick up the tab?' If the answer was yes, then they got invited.

In essence, your reception is the same thing...

Maggie0829 · April 2014

A lot of dumb shit annoys me. Everyday someone or something annoys the crap out of me. That is normal. Other people can be frustrating when they act in a way that doesn't fit with how you think people should act.

When it comes to weddings I can over look a lot of things. Will someone having a dollar dance or putting the caught garter on the girl who caught the bouquet make me roll my eyes and bitch to H? Sure. But would I walk out of a wedding because of it? No. What will make me decline the invitation (because I would never just storm out of a wedding) is if my H is not invited. That is really it. And that has never happened so I have never declined an invite.

And when I go to these weddings, I go expecting that there will be something that I don't like because my likes and those likes of the couple probably vary, even if we are good friends or family. And just because we are good friends and family doesn't mean that I won't judge some of the decisions they have made. If the couple has a cash bar, they could be my best friend and I will still judge their decision. It doesn't mean that I will never talk to them again, but I would think that they made a crappy decision.

Hosting a wedding or any event for that matter is really not that hard. You need to consider your guests first and foremost. I know many brides and grooms would be shocked by that because they think it is all about them, but it isn't. You are inviting your closest family and friends to share your wedding day with you. Why in the world would you not want to host them properly? Why do you think it is okay to treat your nearest and dearest like crap? Because they will love you no matter what? No.

To host a wedding properly you need to make sure you have enough food, drinks (alcohol or not) and a seat for every butt. Music, centerpieces, decor, etc are not the necessity. Making sure that your guests are comfortable is a necessity. I am not saying that you can't have pretty flowers or a gorgeous dress, but if you put those items in front of your guests comfort then you are doing it wrong.

Your guests want to celebrate with you. They are happy for you and excited to see you get married. But that doesn't mean that they won't be upset if all they get for dinner is a slice of cheese and a piece of bread. That doesn't mean that they won't be upset if they have to open their wallets to buy a drink. That doesn't mean they won't be upset if they have to stand the entire night. People are allowed to be upset with you even though they love you. They can be irritated by how you hosted them but still be happy that you and your SO are married. Just because they care about you doesn't mean that they won't care if you host them like shit. They will and they will always remember how poorly you hosted them. For some that will cause them to no longer want a relationship with you. For others, they may let it slide but they will also never forget it.

So for all the new brides that have flocked to this thread that think that they are special and that since their loved one's care about them and it doesn't matter. Please, know that it does. Everyone on here has a budget and limitations so we all know how hard it is to throw a properly hosted party, but it is possible.

grumbledore · April 2014

LDay2014 said:

You know what I don't understand? Why some brides would rather spend $50 - $100 per person to feed someone they barely know (ie obligatory invites) than spend the $50 - $100 per person and then host a proper or limited bar for the people they actually WANT there.

When FI and I sat down to look at the guest list, I asked him for each person...'would you take them out for dinner at a fancy restaurant and pick up the tab?' If the answer was yes, then they got invited.

In essence, your reception is the same thing...

Agreed. This is exactly what we did, then we added a very small number of people at FIL's request since they are paying for a chunk of the reception.

pinkcow13 · April 2014

This is the way I see it. If you really want your wedding to be "MY Special Day!" then that's fine, it's your prerogative. Make it YOUR special day, go to Vegas and party like rockstars, or get married on a beautiful Island, just the 2 of you, and get pampered and "treated like royalty" at an exclusive resort. That's your right.

Once you decide to have a bigger wedding, it means that you want your family and friends to share this moment with you, and you are inviting them to your event. Just like you would invite someone to your house. Would you charge them to drink the wine/beer/alcohol you provide? Invite them at dinner time, and then not provide food? Not provide a seat for them while you curl up on your couch? It's the same concept.

When FI and I discussed our wedding, we discussed what was important to us. We decided that we wanted to have a wedding with our family and friends. And the way I see it, if I don't want something done to me, I will not do it to my guests. I won't walk out of a wedding if there is a cash bar. I'll suck it up and buy my drinks, but I won't be happy (just being honest). If FI was in the wedding party, and he had to sit at the head table without me, and I did not know anyone at the wedding, I wouldn't be thrilled. I can be a social person, but it takes me a bit to warm up to people. If there weren't enough seats for everyone, I would not be thrilled to have to stand the entire time, and I would lurk looking for an empty seat to rest my feet, as I would most likely wear heels to a wedding.

These are the things that we will not put our guests through. Our guests will not have to open their wallets, we are not separating our bridal party from their SO's, etc. I know a lot of people say "but my friends won't mind guarding the guest book, etc!" Well, put yourself in their shoes and admit that there are things you would not like to do at a wedding, so why would you have them at yours?

The way I see wedding etiquette is simple. If you decide to invite others to your wedding, they are your guests, which makes you their host. You are sharing this moment with them, and as a result you should host them properly, it's that's simple.

Edit: content

FiancB · April 2014

LOL at people saying "when you plan your wedding you'll realize they're expensive". Ummm this is the knot. Everyone here is planning their wedding, or has planned their wedding.

I have a small budget and I am hosting guests properly. I am not having a full open bar, but we will have beer and wine and probably a signature drink or two. Things we did to help pay for this:

-we searched high and low for a less costly venue and found it at a golf course. It's beautiful. I would have loved to get married at the zoo or library or something cool like that, but it would have been much more expensive so we had to put on our big kid pants and pick something else. It was also important to us to find a place where we could have the ceremony and reception in the same spot so that, despite not doing a first look, we would have a very small gap.

- we went to a wedding expo and found deals on a DJ and excellent photographer- we could have gone more bargain basement on that, but it's one of those things that was pretty important to us. Still, we got it under our budget.

- I spent an average amount on my dress and accessories

-we are skipping favors and programs and we didn't do save the dates or an engagement shoot, no photo booth, wedding planner or DOC or hairdresser or MUA. We will DIY flowers and keep them simple. We don't have a videographer. We may skip the rehearsal dinner altogether or host something small at home with takeout Italian or maybe even Subway. We are waiting on deciding what to do with our honeymoon when we know more about our budget. We're hoping to make it to FL but if not we'll take the day's drive to Chicago and groupon it up.

-as far as decorations go, hey I'd love to get chair covers and charger plates and all the trimmings, but it is not in our budget and is not as big a priority as keeping our guests happy. We didn't have to cut the guest list either, we are basically inviting everyone we know, but we do have small families so our invite list is at just under 100.

If it's really all about YOU and YOUR SPECIAL DAY, here's a great money saving tip: elope with just the two of you. When you have guests, you need to treat them well. This doesn't necessitate filet mignon and the best wines. If I, a student that is receiving no help and has never in her life made more than $20k/year can host a wedding, you can too. Sorry not sorry. If there's a will there's a way.

[Deleted User] · April 2014

This isn't hard - host to the best of your abilities and don't overspend yourself if it impacts the treatment of your guests. If you were only having this party for you, you wouldn't need to invite a hundred+ people, you could just treat yourself.

Gaps can't be avoided. After tons of research, I had to have a gap, or spend $5000 to rent the place no one could afford... just for the ceremony, a 2 hour maximum. That is my food budget, so I elected for the gap and inviting family only to the ceremony in lieu of having all guests paying for parking and driving around the city all day. Sorry to those of you who think it's a deal-breaker. I don't want those types at my wedding, so I hope they decline. The ceremony will be 10 minutes long as we are not religious, so you won't be missing anything other than the $25 it costs to park in the city for a few minutes, only to move to another venue where the parking will be complimentary! Oh, and the partially hosted bar tab is going on credit. No couple, who pays for a wedding alone, can scrape together more than 10 grand in a year to pay cash for a wedding, unless they are personally wealthy, so stop telling people to wait longer and save more. This is life!! I'd be waiting years if I were to pay all cash for my wedding. That is my decision to make, so I can have travel arrangements made for our guests between the reception and the hotel and so I can host drinks at the bar.

Also, no one is accounting for the fact that the US is a melting pot of traditions. These long lists of deal breakers are included in either family traditions or cultural traditions in many cases. Your versions of what a wedding should be fall into what I look at as "white traditions." If I had to go to a wedding where I was asked to sing, were ceremonial clothing, or eat something I might never otherwise touch... I have the option to decline, but if I go, I should also be a gracious guest!

I really fall in the middle of your arguments. Some things just can't be avoided, but being a good host isn't one of them. Just keep your awful comments to yourselves. No matter what you say, these people will do what they want!

Adprice85 · April 2014

So many of these comments about being treated poorly as a guest is a bit dramatic. Registering for a honeyfund or having a cash bar is not being treated "terribly".... everyone needs to calm down and quit acting like a wedding victim. I am planning my wedding right now and it is difficult. There are so many details and opinions. You are trying to make everyone happy while still making the wedding your own. Please people be a little forgiving if the wedding wasn't up to your high standards and just be flexible. I am sure that I will make some mistakes in my upcoming wedding but honestly I am trying to have a great event for myself, my future husband and all of our family and friends. There is no way you can please everyone.... not in your wedding nor in any aspect of life. So to all soon to be brides just do your best to ensure your day is beautiful, your own and fun to all parties involved. If so many of these very strong wedding opinions are making you a bit nervous just remember you are about to get married and that is pretty fantastic that you found your partner in life embrace the positive, learn and grow from mistakes and ignore those trying to bring you down.

Maggie0829 · April 2014

kellisobczak said:

This isn't hard - host to the best of your abilities and don't overspend yourself if it impacts the treatment of your guests. If you were only having this party for you, you wouldn't need to invite a hundred+ people, you could just treat yourself.

Gaps can't be avoided. After tons of research, I had to have a gap, or spend $5000 to rent the place no one could afford... just for the ceremony, a 2 hour maximum. That is my food budget, so I elected for the gap and inviting family only to the ceremony in lieu of having all guests paying for parking and driving around the city all day. Sorry to those of you who think it's a deal-breaker. I don't want those types at my wedding, so I hope they decline. The ceremony will be 10 minutes long as we are not religious, so you won't be missing anything other than the $25 it costs to park in the city for a few minutes, only to move to another venue where the parking will be complimentary! Oh, and the partially hosted bar tab is going on credit. No couple, who pays for a wedding alone, can scrape together more than 10 grand in a year to pay cash for a wedding, unless they are personally wealthy, so stop telling people to wait longer and save more. This is life!! I'd be waiting years if I were to pay all cash for my wedding. That is my decision to make, so I can have travel arrangements made for our guests between the reception and the hotel and so I can host drinks at the bar.

Also, no one is accounting for the fact that the US is a melting pot of traditions. These long lists of deal breakers are included in either family traditions or cultural traditions in many cases. Your versions of what a wedding should be fall into what I look at as "white traditions." If I had to go to a wedding where I was asked to sing, were ceremonial clothing, or eat something I might never otherwise touch... I have the option to decline, but if I go, I should also be a gracious guest!

I really fall in the middle of your arguments. Some things just can't be avoided, but being a good host isn't one of them. Just keep your awful comments to yourselves. No matter what you say, these people will do what they want!

I disagree. You said your ceremony is only going to 10 minutes. Then why not get married at your reception venue? That way you eliminate the gap and save yourself and your guests $25 to park in the city. Also, if you are having your ceremony some place where parking needs to be paid, then you should be footing that bill, not your guests. You are the one who decided to have your ceremony where you did not your guests. And as a guest I would be irritated if I had to shell out $25 to watch a 10 minute ceremony.

And for the second bolded. You shouldn't assume things. There are many brides on here that pay for their wedding in full and without debt because they chose to wait a few years to save up so that they could have the wedding they want. Going into debt for a one day party is poor financial planning.

LDay2014 · April 2014

kellisobczak said:

This isn't hard - host to the best of your abilities and don't overspend yourself if it impacts the treatment of your guests. If you were only having this party for you, you wouldn't need to invite a hundred+ people, you could just treat yourself.

Gaps can't be avoided. After tons of research, I had to have a gap, or spend $5000 to rent the place no one could afford... just for the ceremony, a 2 hour maximum. That is my food budget, so I elected for the gap and inviting family only to the ceremony in lieu of having all guests paying for parking and driving around the city all day. Sorry to those of you who think it's a deal-breaker. I don't want those types at my wedding, so I hope they decline. The ceremony will be 10 minutes long as we are not religious, so you won't be missing anything other than the $25 it costs to park in the city for a few minutes, only to move to another venue where the parking will be complimentary! Oh, and the partially hosted bar tab is going on credit. No couple, who pays for a wedding alone, can scrape together more than 10 grand in a year to pay cash for a wedding, unless they are personally wealthy, so stop telling people to wait longer and save more. This is life!! I'd be waiting years if I were to pay all cash for my wedding. That is my decision to make, so I can have travel arrangements made for our guests between the reception and the hotel and so I can host drinks at the bar.

Also, no one is accounting for the fact that the US is a melting pot of traditions. These long lists of deal breakers are included in either family traditions or cultural traditions in many cases. Your versions of what a wedding should be fall into what I look at as "white traditions." If I had to go to a wedding where I was asked to sing, were ceremonial clothing, or eat something I might never otherwise touch... I have the option to decline, but if I go, I should also be a gracious guest!

I really fall in the middle of your arguments. Some things just can't be avoided, but being a good host isn't one of them. Just keep your awful comments to yourselves. No matter what you say, these people will do what they want!

There's no way to avoid it, but you ELECTED to book a specific venue. Why are you not having your reception earlier or in a location that you could have had back to back? YOU CHOSE. Therefore, it could have been avoided.

HisGirlFriday13 · April 2014

kellisobczak said:

This isn't hard - host to the best of your abilities and don't overspend yourself if it impacts the treatment of your guests. If you were only having this party for you, you wouldn't need to invite a hundred+ people, you could just treat yourself.

Gaps can't be avoided. After tons of research, I had to have a gap, or spend $5000 to rent the place no one could afford... just for the ceremony, a 2 hour maximum. That is my food budget, so I elected for the gap and inviting family only to the ceremony in lieu of having all guests paying for parking and driving around the city all day. Sorry to those of you who think it's a deal-breaker. I don't want those types at my wedding, so I hope they decline. The ceremony will be 10 minutes long as we are not religious, so you won't be missing anything other than the $25 it costs to park in the city for a few minutes, only to move to another venue where the parking will be complimentary! Oh, and the partially hosted bar tab is going on credit. No couple, who pays for a wedding alone, can scrape together more than 10 grand in a year to pay cash for a wedding, unless they are personally wealthy, so stop telling people to wait longer and save more. This is life!! I'd be waiting years if I were to pay all cash for my wedding. That is my decision to make, so I can have travel arrangements made for our guests between the reception and the hotel and so I can host drinks at the bar.

Also, no one is accounting for the fact that the US is a melting pot of traditions. These long lists of deal breakers are included in either family traditions or cultural traditions in many cases. Your versions of what a wedding should be fall into what I look at as "white traditions." If I had to go to a wedding where I was asked to sing, were ceremonial clothing, or eat something I might never otherwise touch... I have the option to decline, but if I go, I should also be a gracious guest!

I really fall in the middle of your arguments. Some things just can't be avoided, but being a good host isn't one of them. Just keep your awful comments to yourselves. No matter what you say, these people will do what they want!

First bold: Bullshit. Gaps CAN be avoided, but they require planning, foresight, and the willingness to sacrifice the 'OMFG IT'S MY SPECIAL DAY I GET WHATEVER I WANT' mentality in lieu of being an adult and doing grown-up things.

You didn't HAVE to rent that ceremony site. You CHOSE to put the site of your ceremony ahead of hosting your guests properly. If you're not religious then there are no restrictions on where you can have your ceremony, so you COULD HAVE had your ceremony and reception in the same place (with the free parking) that would have allowed your guests to witness your ceremony (which is kind of the freaking point of the damn day) and not have a gap.

We had a full Catholic Mass. I have seen COUNTLESS brides on TK say, 'Well, you don't understand, we HAD to have a gap, because we had a Catholic Mass, and you just can't have a Catholic Mass without a gap.' To which, again, I say bull.fucking.shit. You have to plan better, and it required more sacrifices on our part, but we did it for the sake of hosting our guests properly.

Second bold: Also bullshit. You don't have to have a $10K wedding. As @kmmssg pointed out in her post, the proper way to do this is sit down and figure out REALISTICALLY what everyone who's planning to contribute can afford to save in the time period, and then build the budget based on that. If that's $10K over two years, fine. If that's $5K over one year, fine. But you figure out the budget FIRST, and THEN you figure out the guest list and ONLY THEN do you start planning a menu and a meal and alcohol.

Third bold: You're right, some things can't be avoided. And no matter how well you host people, someone is going to find something to complain about. That's the nature of weddings. But a lot of the 'it can't be avoided' crap in this thread CAN be avoided if people will put on their big-kid panties and make sacrifices.

Emmy1493 · April 2014

Gracecuriel said:

@Couggal12 Believe me I do, there's constructive criticism, then there's people who read each and every post, then try to make others feel bad about their questions or opinions. Purposely making fun of every single thing they write or do. There are different ranges of cyber bullying and for one thing, I said watch out for the upcoming cyber bullying, because that's what next. By the way, I don't get how hear boards help anyone, you get bombarded with negative feedback anyway by people who were married like 10 years ago, times have changed, I'll leave it to the planners for my questions. This is ridiculous!

Dude, if you can't handle blunt, honest advice OR constructive criticism, stay off the boards.

Can't take the heat? Stay outta the kitchen!

pinkcow13 · April 2014

kellisobczak said:

This isn't hard - host to the best of your abilities and don't overspend yourself if it impacts the treatment of your guests. If you were only having this party for you, you wouldn't need to invite a hundred+ people, you could just treat yourself.

Gaps can't be avoided. After tons of research, I had to have a gap, or spend $5000 to rent the place no one could afford... just for the ceremony, a 2 hour maximum. That is my food budget, so I elected for the gap and inviting family only to the ceremony in lieu of having all guests paying for parking and driving around the city all day. Sorry to those of you who think it's a deal-breaker. I don't want those types at my wedding, so I hope they decline. The ceremony will be 10 minutes long as we are not religious, so you won't be missing anything other than the $25 it costs to park in the city for a few minutes, only to move to another venue where the parking will be complimentary! Oh, and the partially hosted bar tab is going on credit. No couple, who pays for a wedding alone, can scrape together more than 10 grand in a year to pay cash for a wedding, unless they are personally wealthy, so stop telling people to wait longer and save more. This is life!! I'd be waiting years if I were to pay all cash for my wedding. That is my decision to make, so I can have travel arrangements made for our guests between the reception and the hotel and so I can host drinks at the bar.

Also, no one is accounting for the fact that the US is a melting pot of traditions. These long lists of deal breakers are included in either family traditions or cultural traditions in many cases. Your versions of what a wedding should be fall into what I look at as "white traditions." If I had to go to a wedding where I was asked to sing, were ceremonial clothing, or eat something I might never otherwise touch... I have the option to decline, but if I go, I should also be a gracious guest!

I really fall in the middle of your arguments. Some things just can't be avoided, but being a good host isn't one of them. Just keep your awful comments to yourselves. No matter what you say, these people will do what they want!

1. Gaps can be avoided, you can choose a different venue, or get married and have the reception in the same place.

2. This is something you are assuming. My FI and I are paying for our entire wedding on our own, over $10K, and we are nowhere near wealthy. Nor are we putting anything on credit, or taking out loans. We chose to have a longer engagement, and we are responsible with our finances. We can pay off the whole thing now if we want, but we would rather stick to their timeline (3 payments) in case any emergency arises. If you can't afford anything over $10k, host a proper wedding that you can afford, which is what we're doing.

3. FI and I are both Latino, and except for a minor thing here or there, I don't think these are "white traditions." And we're not 3rd or 4th generation, either, we are second generation Latino's raised by parents who were not born in this country. Yes, there are some cultural differences that exist, but I agree with a lot of the etiquette here. If we feel that anything is rude, we will simply not incorporate it in the wedding.

What are your etiquette deal breakers?

Re: What are your etiquette deal breakers?

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