I just have to put out this out there for the people saying it is hard to save. FI and I, for various reasons have been engaged for 6 years. For all of those years we've both randomly put money aside. Just whatever we had left after bills and stuff. We weren't even putting aside set amounts, it was very half hearted random saving. We had enough to pay for the wedding (which isn't going to be some super extravagant thing. We've spent under $6,000), the honeymoon, and put a down payment on a house. Like I said we weren't even really seriously saving and neither of us make a ton of money. So it can be done.
To grumble....so it's okay for you to point out how rude everyone is with their lack of etiquette with swearing & yelling? What would the etiquette experts say about that?
And no, I'm not asking for rainbows or whatever else an earlier poster said. I'm looking for the same thing you claim to be an expert on....proper etiquette.
In all seriousness though, how I decided to speak/type on an internet forum is irrelevant. Personally, I don't care if people curse. If they do it on their wedding invitations, then it becomes relevant here.
My advise is sound, whether you care for my use of language or not.
This isn't hard - host to the best of your abilities and don't overspend yourself if it impacts the treatment of your guests. If you were only having this party for you, you wouldn't need to invite a hundred+ people, you could just treat yourself.
Gaps can't be avoided. After tons of research, I had to have a gap, or spend $5000 to rent the place no one could afford... just for the ceremony, a 2 hour maximum. That is my food budget, so I elected for the gap and inviting family only to the ceremony in lieu of having all guests paying for parking and driving around the city all day. Sorry to those of you who think it's a deal-breaker. I don't want those types at my wedding, so I hope they decline. The ceremony will be 10 minutes long as we are not religious, so you won't be missing anything other than the $25 it costs to park in the city for a few minutes, only to move to another venue where the parking will be complimentary! Oh, and the partially hosted bar tab is going on credit. No couple, who pays for a wedding alone, can scrape together more than 10 grand in a year to pay cash for a wedding, unless they are personally wealthy, so stop telling people to wait longer and save more. This is life!! I'd be waiting years if I were to pay all cash for my wedding. That is my decision to make, so I can have travel arrangements made for our guests between the reception and the hotel and so I can host drinks at the bar.
Also, no one is accounting for the fact that the US is a melting pot of traditions. These long lists of deal breakers are included in either family traditions or cultural traditions in many cases. Your versions of what a wedding should be fall into what I look at as "white traditions." If I had to go to a wedding where I was asked to sing, were ceremonial clothing, or eat something I might never otherwise touch... I have the option to decline, but if I go, I should also be a gracious guest!
I really fall in the middle of your arguments. Some things just can't be avoided, but being a good host isn't one of them. Just keep your awful comments to yourselves. No matter what you say, these people will do what they want!
Did it not occur to you to have a savings account until the day you got engaged? FI and I are paying for our wedding ourselves. It's going to run us about $40k not including rings and honeymoon. We are not wealthy - we have a mortgage, 2 cars, and student loans to pay for - but we had savings. The rest we're pulling together during our 9-month engagement by tightening our belts and cutting back other spending. We could have gone smaller and not tapped into savings, but we both have large families and really a 250 person guest list is all people we absolutely want with us. FI and many in his family don't drink, but our friends do, so we're hosting a full open bar. There will be a seat for every butt and no gap. There will be no asking for cash IN ANY WAY EVER. We're having amazing food. Our photographer is mid-range, and I'm DIYing the centerpieces and favors. Yeah, there will probably even be some swearing! Rings and honeymoon are both paid off. So don't give me this crap that it just can't be done.
Lday....I never once said I disagree or will not be a gracious host to my wedding guests. If that's what you took from my comments them I apologize.
What I'm trying to say is that trying to teach people the finer points of etiquette by yelling, swearing, and calling names seems quite bizarre to me!!
Why would someone trust someone as an etiquette pro when they don't know how to talk to people with respect.
I know I know....this is just a message board. Most here are anonymous so who cares. Well that just seems hypocritical to me.
Lday....I never once said I disagree or will not be a gracious host to my wedding guests. If that's what you took from my comments them I apologize.
What I'm trying to say is that trying to teach people the finer points of etiquette by yelling, swearing, and calling names seems quite bizarre to me!!
Why would someone trust someone as an etiquette pro when they don't know how to talk to people with respect.
I know I know....this is just a message board. Most here are anonymous so who cares. Well that just seems hypocritical to me.
Agreed! It is a message board, and a lot of rudeness is to be expected in this type of environment. But really? If you want people to read what you have to say and take it seriously, you should make an effort to sound like someone who deserves to be taken seriously. Sorry, but that's true in real life AND online.
This isn't hard - host to the best of your abilities and don't overspend yourself if it impacts the treatment of your guests. If you were only having this party for you, you wouldn't need to invite a hundred+ people, you could just treat yourself.
Gaps can't be avoided. After tons of research, I had to have a gap, or spend $5000 to rent the place no one could afford... just for the ceremony, a 2 hour maximum. That is my food budget, so I elected for the gap and inviting family only to the ceremony in lieu of having all guests paying for parking and driving around the city all day. Sorry to those of you who think it's a deal-breaker. I don't want those types at my wedding, so I hope they decline. The ceremony will be 10 minutes long as we are not religious, so you won't be missing anything other than the $25 it costs to park in the city for a few minutes, only to move to another venue where the parking will be complimentary! Oh, and the partially hosted bar tab is going on credit. No couple, who pays for a wedding alone, can scrape together more than 10 grand in a year to pay cash for a wedding, unless they are personally wealthy, so stop telling people to wait longer and save more. This is life!! I'd be waiting years if I were to pay all cash for my wedding. That is my decision to make, so I can have travel arrangements made for our guests between the reception and the hotel and so I can host drinks at the bar.
Also, no one is accounting for the fact that the US is a melting pot of traditions. These long lists of deal breakers are included in either family traditions or cultural traditions in many cases. Your versions of what a wedding should be fall into what I look at as "white traditions." If I had to go to a wedding where I was asked to sing, were ceremonial clothing, or eat something I might never otherwise touch... I have the option to decline, but if I go, I should also be a gracious guest!
I really fall in the middle of your arguments. Some things just can't be avoided, but being a good host isn't one of them. Just keep your awful comments to yourselves. No matter what you say, these people will do what they want!
Did it not occur to you to have a savings account until the day you got engaged? FI and I are paying for our wedding ourselves. It's going to run us about $40k not including rings and honeymoon. We are not wealthy - we have a mortgage, 2 cars, and student loans to pay for - but we had savings. The rest we're pulling together during our 9-month engagement by tightening our belts and cutting back other spending. We could have gone smaller and not tapped into savings, but we both have large families and really a 250 person guest list is all people we absolutely want with us. FI and many in his family don't drink, but our friends do, so we're hosting a full open bar. We're having amazing food. Our photographer is mid-range, and I'm DIYing the centerpieces and favors. Rings and honeymoon are both paid off. So don't give me this crap that it just can't be done.
I think some people forget some of us make more and/or have much lower expenses than others.
When I was 21 I didn't make much. As I got older I made more, lower some expenses and was able to save. Then when we got engaged we cut out even more expenses (i.e. eating out all the time, no starbucks) and were to be able to save even more.
She is right there are some people who truly can't save that much. It's reality. But then they should not be having a $10K wedding. I've attend plenty of hosted bars there were under $10K in high cost areas also.
The comment that NO COUPLE could save that much unless they were personally wealthy is just silly. I know people who do not make much, but keep their expenses down where they can save a lot of money. I also know people who make 6 figures who can't save a dime because their expenses are through the roof.
Your income AND expenses come into play when it comes to savings.
What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests. Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated.
Our wedding absolutely is about celebrating our union. We are doing things that are to our taste. We will have our friends standing up next to us, our officiant is a personal friend, we'll have some personal readings and vows, our family is there, and we're picking colors/food/attire/decorations/venue etc according to what our tastes are, and yes people will be there because they're happy for us and want to join in on celebrating us.
But we will also really have a lot of fun throwing a kickass party for our loved ones. Yes it will cost money but it's fun to do things for people, so we will be properly thanking them for coming while partying with them.
Why do the two have to be mutually exclusive??? I would just feel bad if I knew I had guests that were there without anyone they know because I didn't let them bring their SO, if their feet hurt because there's nowhere to sit, if they had to rummage around for money for the cash bar, if they had to wait around while we took a million pictures, if they felt less important because they were B-listed or tiered or didn't get something that the WP did, etc. Purposefully doing things that I know would make guests uncomfortable would ruin OUR SPESHUL DAY, for me.
Treating our loved ones badly is not my idea of a good time. I guess from the sounds of it, for some people, it's the only way to have a good time?
Like I said earlier, I am sacrificing MANY things I would like to have so that I can afford to make sure my guests are happy because in the end, that will make me happier than the superficial things. If anything, planning my own wedding has made me less tolerant of etiquette breaches, because I know exactly how much those damn chair covers cost and that they could've covered the cost of a keg or two.
Lday....I never once said I disagree or will not be a gracious host to my wedding guests. If that's what you took from my comments them I apologize.
What I'm trying to say is that trying to teach people the finer points of etiquette by yelling, swearing, and calling names seems quite bizarre to me!!
Why would someone trust someone as an etiquette pro when they don't know how to talk to people with respect.
I know I know....this is just a message board. Most here are anonymous so who cares. Well that just seems hypocritical to me.
Why should we respect people who can't bother to read any of the previous threads on this topic, or who insist in the face of all contrary evidence, that they're 'special' and exempt?
If you want respect, give respect.
I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
To grumble....so it's okay for you to point out how rude everyone is with their lack of etiquette with swearing & yelling? What would the etiquette experts say about that?
And no, I'm not asking for rainbows or whatever else an earlier poster said. I'm looking for the same thing you claim to be an expert on....proper etiquette.
Our language has nothing to do with WEDDING ETIQUETTE.
You guys don't listen to us when we aren't swearing in posts, and complain that the constructive criticism is "mean" "non-supportive" "bullying" etc.
Then you guys throw out this tired meme when we swear.
People start swearing because they are so exasperated with explaining the same thing over and over and over again to people. . . people who really don't want advice but are just coming here seeking validation for bad ideas.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
I see that many people HATE the dollar dance .I am planning to have one at my wedding this coming November BUT ...All proceeds to go to our local ASPCA..WHICH the DJ will announce at the start of the dance...We chose to do this as a way to incorporate our dog seeing he can't go cause he doesn't behave, lol but is such a big part of our life ....STILL TACKY??? OPINIONS PLEASE
If you'd like to donate to the ASPCA then you could just donate any cash gifts you receive. I wouldn't ask my guests to make a donation.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
I think some people forget some of us make more and/or have much lower expenses than others.
When I was 21 I didn't make much. As I got older I made more, lower some expenses and was able to save. Then when we got engaged we cut out even more expenses (i.e. eating out all the time, no starbucks) and were to be able to save even more.
She is right there are some people who truly can't save that much. It's reality. But then they should not be having a $10K wedding. I've attend plenty of hosted bars there were under $10K in high cost areas also.
The comment that NO COUPLE could save that much unless they were personally wealthy is just silly. I know people who do not make much, but keep their expenses down where they can save a lot of money. I also know people who make 6 figures who can't save a dime because their expenses are through the roof.
Your income AND expenses come into play when it comes to savings.
Totally agree with you, and I don't mean to imply otherwise. My issue was with the hyperbole that NOBODY could ever possibly save or pay that much. FI and I are 33 and 30, we're in different places in our lives than 22 yo couples. Everyone's situation is different. But don't say "because I can't do it, nobody can do it, and therefore it's OK to be rude." That's bullshit. My sister got married at 22 working a shit job and still managed to plan and host a perfectly lovely $8k wedding in 6 months without taking on debt. It can be done. It has been done. It can continue to be done if people don't listen to these idiots telling them it's all OK to only think about yourselves.
I think some people forget some of us make more and/or have much lower expenses than others.
When I was 21 I didn't make much. As I got older I made more, lower some expenses and was able to save. Then when we got engaged we cut out even more expenses (i.e. eating out all the time, no starbucks) and were to be able to save even more.
She is right there are some people who truly can't save that much. It's reality. But then they should not be having a $10K wedding. I've attend plenty of hosted bars there were under $10K in high cost areas also.
The comment that NO COUPLE could save that much unless they were personally wealthy is just silly. I know people who do not make much, but keep their expenses down where they can save a lot of money. I also know people who make 6 figures who can't save a dime because their expenses are through the roof.
Your income AND expenses come into play when it comes to savings.
Totally agree with you, and I don't mean to imply otherwise. My issue was with the hyperbole that NOBODY could ever possibly save or pay that much. FI and I are 33 and 30, we're in different places in our lives than 22 yo couples. Everyone's situation is different. But don't say "because I can't do it, nobody can do it, and therefore it's OK to be rude." That's bullshit. My sister got married at 22 working a shit job and still managed to plan and host a perfectly lovely $8k wedding in 6 months without taking on debt. It can be done. It has been done. It can continue to be done if people don't listen to these idiots telling them it's all OK to only think about yourselves.
I didn't think you were. More like agreeing. The comment that "NO ONE" just shows how out of touch some people are.
What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests. Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated.
Lday....I never once said I disagree or will not be a gracious host to my wedding guests. If that's what you took from my comments them I apologize.
What I'm trying to say is that trying to teach people the finer points of etiquette by yelling, swearing, and calling names seems quite bizarre to me!!
Why would someone trust someone as an etiquette pro when they don't know how to talk to people with respect.
I know I know....this is just a message board. Most here are anonymous so who cares. Well that just seems hypocritical to me.
Agreed! It is a message board, and a lot of rudeness is to be expected in this type of environment. But really? If you want people to read what you have to say and take it seriously, you should make an effort to sound like someone who deserves to be taken seriously. Sorry, but that's true in real life AND online.
These ladies generally start out talking with respect but when people argue back and don't listen to points, swear words come in. It happens. If you are on the boards for longer than a week you will notice that new girls come in each week and state the same rude and bad ideas. We explain why it is wrong and they dig in, saying how awful we all are for not validating their terrible ideas. This is often before the swearing happens. Smart and aware people will recognize the ideas. The swear words will not deter people who have empathy for their guests.
My God the entitled brats on here are making my head hurt. This isn't rocket science people. Everyone on here knows how expensive weddings are. No newsflash there. Cash bars, not inviting SO's, having enough food & seating and trying to dignify poor hosting by blaming it on money is pathetic.
I had a small-ish wedding because that is what we wanted. RSVP's went out and 6 (yes 6!) couples RSVPed with only 1 becasue their spouses were to go to a medical conference the weekend of our wedding. Well 3 days before the wedding the conference was cancelled. So what did we do? We called each of the couples and advised them their SO's were more than welcome to come. Why? BECAUSE THAT IS THE PROPER POLITE THING TO DO!!!!
We had 6 add ons at the last minute at OVER $500 per PERSON. All you speshul snowflakes who are using money as your excuse for being shitty hosts need to come up with another reason, because if you care about your guests you will properly host them no matter what the cost.
Back to the original topic... What's the proper etiquette for this situation:
The FI and I have been together for a very long time, everyone of our friends and family have been waiting for the this day, and someone have basically invited themselves to our wedding (which we don't mind, as we would have invited them anyway). My invitations are about to go out and she then calls me to tell me that she will be out of town that week and will not be able to make it.
Do I still send her an invitation or not? I don't want to ommit her because if I don't send her one, she might get offended / or if I send her one I'm too pushy (because she's already declined).
Back to the original topic... What's the proper etiquette for this situation:
The FI and I have been together for a very long time, everyone of our friends and family have been waiting for the this day, and someone have basically invited themselves to our wedding (which we don't mind, as we would have invited them anyway). My invitations are about to go out and she then calls me to tell me that she will be out of town that week and will not be able to make it.
Do I still send her an invitation or not? I don't want to ommit her because if I don't send her one, she might get offended / or if I send her one I'm too pushy (because she's already declined).
What to do?
I would send an invite with a little note saying the you understand she will be OOT, but if her plans change you would love to have her.
What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests. Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated.
Re: What are your etiquette deal breakers?
What I'm trying to say is that trying to teach people the finer points of etiquette by yelling, swearing, and calling names seems quite bizarre to me!!
Why would someone trust someone as an etiquette pro when they don't know how to talk to people with respect.
I know I know....this is just a message board. Most here are anonymous so who cares. Well that just seems hypocritical to me.
Turns out, there's a lot of pictures of Martin Freemen flipping the bird. It's fantastic.
Our language has nothing to do with WEDDING ETIQUETTE.
You guys don't listen to us when we aren't swearing in posts, and complain that the constructive criticism is "mean" "non-supportive" "bullying" etc.
Then you guys throw out this tired meme when we swear.
People start swearing because they are so exasperated with explaining the same thing over and over and over again to people. . . people who really don't want advice but are just coming here seeking validation for bad ideas.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
You can talk to people any way you'd like or call them any name you can think of. Good luck with people taking you seriously.
My God the entitled brats on here are making my head hurt. This isn't rocket science people. Everyone on here knows how expensive weddings are. No newsflash there. Cash bars, not inviting SO's, having enough food & seating and trying to dignify poor hosting by blaming it on money is pathetic.
I had a small-ish wedding because that is what we wanted. RSVP's went out and 6 (yes 6!) couples RSVPed with only 1 becasue their spouses were to go to a medical conference the weekend of our wedding. Well 3 days before the wedding the conference was cancelled. So what did we do? We called each of the couples and advised them their SO's were more than welcome to come. Why? BECAUSE THAT IS THE PROPER POLITE THING TO DO!!!!
We had 6 add ons at the last minute at OVER $500 per PERSON. All you speshul snowflakes who are using money as your excuse for being shitty hosts need to come up with another reason, because if you care about your guests you will properly host them no matter what the cost.
I'm the fuck out.
What to do?