We have planned a rather large gap between our ceremony (1:30pm at a Catholic Church, the 4pm slot was already taken) and reception. The reception is at the zoo and we can't use it until closing time, 5pm. Many of our guests are local, so the break means they can go home in between. For out of town guests, we put on our wedding website several places to visit and things to do in the city during the 3hr break. We've also offered that if any of our guests want to visit the zoo before the reception, we'd get them an admission ticket. It's easier because the ceremony and reception are in the city, where there are lots of things to do in the meantime, many of which are within walking distance of the ceremony and hotel.
At first I was really concerned about that gap, but everyone in the wedding (and especially my photographer) have told us that having that break time is a great idea. In addition, we don't have to worry about being late to the cocktail hour or reception and we get to take pictures in some awesome spots around the city.
I know for sure that my family and his will enjoy the extra time to chat during the day, since we are scattered around the country. As for the out of town friends who might feel lost in that gap period, I'm going to make sure they know who else from their 'group' (e.g. college friends, etc.) is also coming so they can get in touch if they want to make plans.
In conclusion, we decided to have this gap because of venue restrictions, but have embraced it for our own sanity that day and we have worked to make it as amenable to our guests as possible. Yes, it is nontraditional, but I do not think it is rude or outrageous. So far, the only antagonism towards such a gap I've heard has been in the comments here, not from anyone we've talked to personally.
Are you having a wedding reception or a child's birthday party?
You had choices -- choose a different date or choose a different reception venue. Instead, you're choosing to be selfish and put YOUR WANTS ahead of your guests' comfort.
And, btw, your friends are lying to you. NO ONE is happy about a gap that long and being trotted all over God's green acre to pose for photos.
I have been a BM five times. I have lied to every single one of my bride friends.
'Oh, sure, I LOVE the BM dress!'
'NO, that dress doesn't make your ass look like it needs its own zip code.'
'You're right, pastel orange really IS the new black and goes with everything and looks good on everyone.'
'Of course I don't mind getting up at 5.30 a.m. for a hair appointment at 6 for photos at 8 for your 10 a.m. wedding.'
People will lie to their friends in an effort to preserve their own sanity and because we all know that it's not like telling a bridezilla the truth will do much good anyway.
I agree we did have choices - have it on that day and time or have it without my sister and my fiance's sister present. I'd rather have my family with me.
We are making the best of an unfortunate gap and trusting that our family and friends are capable adults. I just wanted to share how we are making it as less an inconvenience as possible and suggesting that is possible in the right cases (e.g. big city with lots to do instead of middle of nowhere). I love my friends and family and cannot wait to celebrate our special day with them.
Puppies are typically reserved for DDs, but I think an exception can and should be made... And after reading this, I'm now looking forward to my dentist appointment tomorrow. Yeesh.
This has become the thread that never ends because there are too many people being defensive or hostile on being told that what they want to do is rude.
Folks, nobody has ever offered any justification for a gap that makes it acceptable even slightly. Stop wasting our time by calling us "bullies" or accusing us of "attacking you" when we bring that to your attention. And for the love of all that's holy, if you're planning for a gap, lose the gap.
I don't get why people keep saying get off of here and enjoy your husbands. Do you want to know what my H is doing right now? He's raiding in WoW. I don't raid in WoW, I just raise battle pets. So.......you ever try to cuddle and talk with someone while raiding? It doesn't go very well and both parties (and the whole guild) end up unhappy.
So. I have a little me time, which is spent between various things, H gets raid time, everyone (in the guild) is happy.
courtneyand john2014:
I truly do NOT understand the nasty tones in the many replies posted. Guests at a ceremony and a reception are simply that...guests. Of course they will be taken care of and entertained accordingly; however, it is still the bride and groom's big day. As a whole, brides want what they want and make sacrifices when it comes to comfortability for those attending. If someone cannot understand a 45(ish) minute gap between the ceremony and the reception then they are well within their right to not attend one or both. Yes, as brides we are honored when someone takes the time to share our special day. Yes, we want everyone to have a fabulous time. No, we are not going to please everyone on this day --- because it's not THEIR wedding day. If you can't manage to entertain yourself or enjoy time with others attending the festivities then you need not attend. You just show others how selfish and unreasonable you are as a person when you complain about the situation later or demand that it's the couple's duty to properly spoil you on their wedding day. As a guest, you should feel honored to be invited (and judging by the nasty tone of oh so many responses, I'm going to suggest that some of you be REALLY honored that someone overlooked your generally holier-than-thou attitude and dropped an invitation in the mail for you) So, courtneyandjohn2014, have your gap if that's what you need to make things work for you, smile and enjoy your special day!
Why in the hell should I feel honored to be invited to a wedding? Seriously, I don't get this mentality.
It's just a fucking wedding. I'm not being invited to a state dinner to be the personal guest of honor of the President of the United States- that might be an honor. I'm not being invited to accept the Nobel Prize for molecular biology- that is an honor.
It's just a fucking wedding. Will I be excited to be invited, sure. But not honored.
You brides really need to GTFO yourselves if you seriously think your guests feel honored to be invited to your wedding. For real, that is some serious Kanye-grade entitled mentality and the root of all your issues with understanding etiquette.
YOU, the Bride, should be HONORED by the presence of your guests. That's how it actually works.
As a bride-to-be, I now understand just how expensive weddings can be per person. The fact that you invited me and are spending $50-200 just for me to be there, heck yeah, I'm honored to be on your guest list. And excited of course. And I certainly would not take it for granted or assume it was my perogative to be invited to your wedding.
As a bride-to-be, I am also honored by the fact that people I invite want to take the time and energy to spend their day celebrating with me and my fiance. So the humble pie can be consumed from both sides.
A gap is not rude at all. But to make the gap less "inconvenient" I would suggest a gap long enough for the guests to do something...anything. Otherwise, it's just a matter of sitting and waiting.
The wedding day should be enjoyed by all, but it should be as less stressful for the couple as possible. Since I live in a farming community, we are having our wedding early afternoon and reception/dinner/dance in the evening. This way all our guests can make it and it gives them the chance to get sitters for the kids, without having their entire day tied up. Forget "protocol" and do what works best for you and your guests.
After 17 pages of painful reading, what it boils down to is this: there are some women who don't care at all about inconveniencing their guests, because it's more important that the reception is at the place they always wanted, or because they want an evening reception. Just like on TV.
The most repeated argument for this logic is, It's myyyyyyy special day, or it's all about the bride and groom, or, it's my one day to have things my way. It's all about me and what I want.
Fine.
Elope.
Now it's your day, it's all about the bride and groom, and you don't have to think about anybody else.
The moment you invite guests, it's not all about you. It's about you and your guests.
Having invited them, you're now obligated to treat them kindly, and with consideration.
Is it really that difficult?
No. Not if you genuinely love and care about your family and friends. If I make my friends and family sit around and wait for me for two or three hours, for any reason, I'd be a special kind of rude bitch. If I make them wait for me because I need more pictures of me, (you know, the Pinterest kind without a bunch of dumb guests ruining the artfulness) or because I want to go a particular place, or because I want my party to look like all the TV weddings, I'd be a shallow, vain, rude bitch.
It's your wedding day. Not the I'm the Center of the Universe and Nobody Matters but Me Day. Unless, of course, you're a shallow, vain, rude bitch. Suit yourselves.
This is from the OP: "Second -- I want to respond to some of the "regulars" who are complaining about us being "special snowflakes" or trying to match some "vision." Let me explain my "vision:"
- My vision is one in which I couldn't have the wedding day I wanted -- or even a date remotely close to it -- because of a bunch of other family obligations that cropped up and forced us to abandon the idea of a fall wedding.
- My vision is one in which I planned my entire wedding in less than 6 months because my dad is dying of a terminal illness and I'd kind of like him to be at the wedding (God willing).
- It's a vision where I gave up on having a casual outdoor ceremony because my fiance is a devout Catholic who wanted a traditional Mass and I wanted to respect that.
- And it's a vision where I recognize that many of our guests are older relatives who don't want to wait until 7 or 8 p.m. for dinner because that's probably when they're going home."
This is the response: "OP, if you are not going to listen to the experienced ladies of TK then perhaps it is you who should leave. This whole thread is a catastrophe. Good luck with your gaps, ladies. Hopefully your guests don't get so pissed off waiting on your speshul-ness that they conveniently forget your gift at home. That's what I would be doing, especially if I heard this attitude. Just sayin'."
I don't think it's the OP who has her priorities out of whack. And did you know it's poor etiquette to bring a gift to a wedding? You're supposed to send it in advance, but I guess the convenience of your hosts is just none of your concern is it? But sure, the bride definitely deserves it. Her fault right? She was so immature as to have an hour gap you had no choice but to withhold a gift and your goodwill. She's the rude one and you're off the hook, better to stay home and drink alone then put up with that bs amirite? < insert sassy "ain't nobody got time for that" gif here >
Here's the thing: couples put a lot of thought into every detail of the wedding, reception and dance. Sometimes (maybe not always) gaps work best, for whatever reason. If the guests are informed beforehand and respond through RSVP which events they are attending, then they are fully aware of the "gap" and it can no longer be considered rude.
I believe in being considerate and a well advance notice of the "gap" is considerate. Friends and family will understand your reasons and they will happily attend whatever events they can. Stop worrying about protocol and just do what works best for you and your guests. Best Wishes!!
Honestly....do whatever you think is best for you. Reality is that some people on here have ridiculous views and opinions which is completely up to them and they will not be attending your wedding nor do they care about it. My ceremony is at a church at 3:30 and I will have about a 45 min to 1 hour gap between. It is either that or a ceremony at 7:30pm where guests won't eat dinner until 10pm. There are no other time choices as some others state here, that you can choose to do your ceremony at a different time, a church has its set times and they can't be changed.
As long as it is stated in your invitation your guests can choose to attend or not. Those who care about yours and your soon to be husband's day will be there and be happy. Don't stress about it. It's perfectly reasonable and everyone will have a great time!
Frankly, the way I see it is that it's rude for guests to complain about there being a gap in between. I'm sorry, the last time I checked I was the one paying thousands of dollars for a photographer not to mention the free meal and alcohol you're about to enjoy so why exactly are you complaining!? It's rude of me to want to ensure I get the photographs I paid for when I want them? I have to go off of your time schedule? I think not.
Frankly, the way I see it is that it's rude for guests to complain about there being a gap in between. I'm sorry, the last time I checked I was the one paying thousands of dollars for a photographer not to mention the free meal and alcohol you're about to enjoy so why exactly are you complaining!? It's rude of me to want to ensure I get the photographs I paid for when I want them? I have to go off of your time schedule? I think not.
I pay more to attend every wedding I go to than any individual plate cost. Travel costs + hotel costs (since I no longer live less than 6 hours away from 99% of my friends) + gift, which I am more than willing to spend because I care about the person whose wedding I am attending, but don't throw the "free meal" thing around as justification for being rude, because your guests are inconveniencing themselves in some way (willingly!) to be with you. The least you can do is properly host them for taking the time out of their lives to be there. Getting the perfect pictures is the worst excuse to me, and I'll excuse gaps even though I hate them. There are other ways of getting wonderful pictures than inconveniencing the people you want to share your day with. I'm also sick of the people who are so obsessed with the pictures that the wedding stops feeling like a wedding and starts feeling like a photo shoot.
Here's the thing: couples put a lot of thought into every detail of the wedding, reception and dance. Sometimes (maybe not always) gaps work best, for whatever reason. If the guests are informed beforehand and respond through RSVP which events they are attending, then they are fully aware of the "gap" and it can no longer be considered rude.
I believe in being considerate and a well advance notice of the "gap" is considerate. Friends and family will understand your reasons and they will happily attend whatever events they can. Stop worrying about protocol and just do what works best for you and your guests. Best Wishes!!
Frankly, the way I see it is that it's rude for guests to complain about there being a gap in between. I'm sorry, the last time I checked I was the one paying thousands of dollars for a photographer not to mention the free meal and alcohol you're about to enjoy so why exactly are you complaining!? It's rude of me to want to ensure I get the photographs I paid for when I want them? I have to go off of your time schedule? I think not.
It is your special day. You can do whatever you and your fi want and all the cliches in the book that I have read in the last 18 pages ("be true to yourself"- really?!). You can get married at 7am and celebrate at 10pm. You can charge each other for drinks. You can ask each other for money for your honeymoon.
...UNTIL...
You invite guests. If you don't want to host people properly, elope. Then you won't have to host people. You are not a special snowflake. Everyone is not SO happy to be at your wedding they will put up with your rudeness. No one is being mean, that is reality. Sometimes it isn't fun being an adult and things don't go exactly how you imagined it since you were little. However, in the immortal words of Miss Manners: if you cannot realise that the wedding of your childhood dreams is not financially or socially possible, you are too immature to get married.
No justification, contextualisation or qualification- gaps are rude and you chose to have one.
FOR THE LOVE OF JESUS, WOULD ALL OF YOU RUDE BRIDES STOP FUCKING CLAIMING IT'S A CATHOLIC GAP?!?
DO NOT lay this at the feet of my church. No no no no no no no no no. This is NOT a 'Catholic' thing.
The Eucharist; Transubstantiation, the Litany of the Saints; the Liturgy of the Word; believe in the Immaculate Conception of Mary -- THOSE are Catholic things.
Rude hosting with a gap is not, and don't you dare pretend it is. You may have a gap, and be rude and get judged for it, but don't tar all Catholics with the brush of bad etiquette.
I always say "Bigotry hidden in religion is still bigotry", so now I"m changing that to "Rudeness justified by religion is still rudeness". Also WWJD? I'm pretty sure he'd make sure all of his guests were properly hosted.
I'm pretty sure you're right! And I like your statements on bigotry and rudeness. Well done!
Is is too early to drink?
According to these newb and rude posters, yes. As at least one PP said, "Why would you start a cocktail hour at 3:30? Who drinks at 3:30?"
I don't think I have the strength the read much more. How often are these newsletters coming out now? I need to fortify myself!
Ok, I'm going to end up being the martyr for the "unpopular opinion", but, honestly? I have never been able to see where the "gap" became such a horrible, dramatic thing. At my wedding, I want people around me who are close enough to me to not be offended by stupid rules like that. The rules that make everything hard. What on earth is wrong with giving your guests a minute to collect themselves, put their stuff away, etc. before heading to the reception, especially if it makes the entire wedding go more smoothly? I mean, ok, maybe it's a cultural thing. Half of my family is french, and almost every wedding I've ever been to was for one french cousin or other...and there is ALWAYS a gap between the ceremony and reception. Everybody would change their shoes, grab a sweater if the weather had changed, drop off their jackets if it happened to get hot, and patiently wait for the time it was supposed to start, because hey, we're all happy they're getting married, so what the hell is the big deal with (OMG!) having to WAIT a little bit? I mean because we might be (oh NO!) inconvenienced!? And on someone dear to me's wedding day.! I realize that yes, this CAN create inconveniences, and maybe I'm totally missing something, maybe there is in fact something unbelievably horrible and unfair about a gap, but,
just my opinion, it seems kind of...self-centered to get so worked up about a few hours gap. "Rude"? When did that get decided? Just my thoughts.
I have never attended a wedding that had a gap, so if I attended one that did I would be quite confused.
Now, I'm assuming that if I'm attending your wedding, it's because I love you, so I would put up with that. And if it was only 30 or 45 minutes I don't think I would mind that much. But if it stretches on much past an hour I'm going to get progressively more annoyed and possibly even hangry. (You won't like me very much when I get hangry.)
And when I'm sharing your wedding with other folks, you know what I'm going to say? It was a beautiful ceremony, the food was awesome and the dancing was so much fun! If it wasn't for that gap it pretty much would have be fantastic!
I get that many of you have never been to a gap-less wedding and that's the norm. But why not have the most super amazing wedding ever, buck the norm, and not have a gap? Will a gap make all your friends and family hate you? No, they will put up with it because they love you and it's not the end of the world. But if you don't have a gap, they will be even happier and enjoy your day just a little bit more.
I know that I want the guests at my wedding to have the best day possible and I'm sure that's true for everyone else on this board. So please, if you can in any way avoid having your guests kick their heels, do so.
Ok, I'm going to end up being the martyr for the "unpopular opinion", but, honestly? I have never been able to see where the "gap" became such a horrible, dramatic thing. At my wedding, I want people around me who are close enough to me to not be offended by stupid rules like that. The rules that make everything hard. What on earth is wrong with giving your guests a minute to collect themselves, put their stuff away, etc. before heading to the reception, especially if it makes the entire wedding go more smoothly? I mean, ok, maybe it's a cultural thing. Half of my family is french, and almost every wedding I've ever been to was for one french cousin or other...and there is ALWAYS a gap between the ceremony and reception. Everybody would change their shoes, grab a sweater if the weather had changed, drop off their jackets if it happened to get hot, and patiently wait for the time it was supposed to start, because hey, we're all happy they're getting married, so what the hell is the big deal with (OMG!) having to WAIT a little bit? I mean because we might be (oh NO!) inconvenienced!? And on someone dear to me's wedding day.! I realize that yes, this CAN create inconveniences, and maybe I'm totally missing something, maybe there is in fact something unbelievably horrible and unfair about a gap, but,
just my opinion, it seems kind of...self-centered to get so worked up about a few hours gap. "Rude"? When did that get decided? Just my thoughts.
You're not a "martyr" for the unpopular opinion here. You are not the most special of the snowflakes. Evidently you didn't read. Gaps are not a cultural thing. They are not a regional thing. Some people plan their weddings with gaps. Some don't. You fully acknowledged in your post that gaps create inconveniences for guests yet you will still plan your wedding with one. That means you are knowingly being rude. That's worse than ignorance IMO.
I don't understand why people think it is okay to make their guests wait for the next wedding event to happen when there are ways to plan without gaps. No one in their right mind thinks it is okay to leave guests waiting during any other kind of social event, why should a wedding be different!? After the ceremony, the rest of the wedding is about the guests and the bride and groom have a responsibility to be gracious hosts. Making guests sit around and wait or "find something to do" for god knows how long in their nice clothes is not good hosting...anywhere! Stop making excuses for being rude and inconsiderate.
1. Zero Tolerance for Bullies (aka- how to get banned)
We know you are all adults, and no, we’re not going to ban you for using profanity, sarcasm or sharing your opinion in conversation. However, we are going to ban you if you’re malicious towards another user.
Malicious, petty and/or personal attacks of any kind are unacceptable, so please be mindful of the way you address and discuss others.
Personal attacks include, but are not limited to: starting a thread with a user’s name as the topic/title to “bash” them, linking to a thread to call out a user on their post, thoughts or beliefs (not a topic), calling a username out maliciously, starting a malicious or derogatory poll/question about a user, using images (memes, gifs, etc.) in a direct attack/vicious manner, etc.
The Knot encourages you to share your opinions while respecting others’ thoughts and feelings as well. Feel free to share, but be ready to hear and accept other opinions that you may not always agree with. Because you do not agree with someone, does not mean this is the place to attack anyone else’s beliefs.
Some people believe a gap is rude. For some it's the norm. Voice your opinion but stop attacking each other because of something you believe is rude.
Our ceremony is at 3pm because our church, with a priest whom we are very close with, only has weddings at 3pm on Saturdays due to Saturday evening mass. How are we rude for wanting to be married by a man who is very near and dear to our hearts? The cocktail hour begins at 6pm. The family I am marrying into, in their culture they change between the ceremony and cocktail hour/reception. How are we rude for allowing our guests to embrace their own culture and still be able to attend all wedding events. I can also tell you that my family; aunts, uncles, cousins, family friends, don't mind the gap. We embrace it. They would also be disappointed if the reception ended at 9 as opposed to the planned time of 11:30.
We are only inviting those nearest and dearest to us. No acquaintances or or random plus ones that aren't in a serious relationship. Everyone attending knows each other. There is only one girl, the wife of one of the groomsman who is shy and may be uncomfortable during the gap. For that reason she is invited to come around on the bus with us while we take pictures in the city. Guests will also be provided with fun things to do in the city, Chicago, during the gap.
In the end, you are the one who knows your guests the best. What some consider rude might be completely non offensive to someone else. Some people think it is rude for their children not to be invited to the wedding. That is their belief. My belief is that it is rude for parents to expect their children to be invited. In the Persian culture, weddings are the event of the season and people wear their absolute best. They might find it rude when they arrive at a casual rustic wedding to see people in simple dockers and a button down shirt.
What works for one bride and groom's family and friends might not work for another. So knock it off with the personal and vicious attacks. Not one of you is better than the other or is your wedding better than the other.
1. Zero Tolerance for Bullies (aka- how to get banned)
We know you are all adults, and no, we’re not going to ban you for using profanity, sarcasm or sharing your opinion in conversation. However, we are going to ban you if you’re malicious towards another user.
Malicious, petty and/or personal attacks of any kind are unacceptable, so please be mindful of the way you address and discuss others.
Personal attacks include, but are not limited to: starting a thread with a user’s name as the topic/title to “bash” them, linking to a thread to call out a user on their post, thoughts or beliefs (not a topic), calling a username out maliciously, starting a malicious or derogatory poll/question about a user, using images (memes, gifs, etc.) in a direct attack/vicious manner, etc.
The Knot encourages you to share your opinions while respecting others’ thoughts and feelings as well. Feel free to share, but be ready to hear and accept other opinions that you may not always agree with. Because you do not agree with someone, does not mean this is the place to attack anyone else’s beliefs.
Some people believe a gap is rude. For some it's the norm. Voice your opinion but stop attacking each other because of something you believe is rude.
Our ceremony is at 3pm because our church, with a priest whom we are very close with, only has weddings at 3pm on Saturdays due to Saturday evening mass. How are we rude for wanting to be married by a man who is very near and dear to our hearts? The cocktail hour begins at 6pm. The family I am marrying into, in their culture they change between the ceremony and cocktail hour/reception. How are we rude for allowing our guests to embrace their own culture and still be able to attend all wedding events. I can also tell you that my family; aunts, uncles, cousins, family friends, don't mind the gap. We embrace it. They would also be disappointed if the reception ended at 9 as opposed to the planned time of 11:30.
We are only inviting those nearest and dearest to us. No acquaintances or or random plus ones that aren't in a serious relationship. Everyone attending knows each other. There is only one girl, the wife of one of the groomsman who is shy and may be uncomfortable during the gap. For that reason she is invited to come around on the bus with us while we take pictures in the city. Guests will also be provided with fun things to do in the city, Chicago, during the gap.
In the end, you are the one who knows your guests the best. What some consider rude might be completely non offensive to someone else. Some people think it is rude for their children not to be invited to the wedding. That is their belief. My belief is that it is rude for parents to expect their children to be invited. In the Persian culture, weddings are the event of the season and people wear their absolute best. They might find it rude when they arrive at a casual rustic wedding to see people in simple dockers and a button down shirt.
What works for one bride and groom's family and friends might not work for another. So knock it off with the personal and vicious attacks. Not one of you is better than the other or is your wedding better than the other.
Just how did you miss the primary point, reiterated over these 18 pages, that this is not about the choice you made when you chose your ceremony and pastor? It is about the choice you made when you chose your venue or your venue start time.
I think my favorite argument for gaps in this whole is thread is how much money the couples are spending and attention to detail they are putting in to their wedding so that makes gaps okay. Nope. Not okay. I would love if just one new poster would stop and say, "maybe I'm not making the best decision. My guests put a lot of time, money and effort into being here with me today so maybe I should appreciate that and do what I can to make them comfortable". Just one person.
Thank you for pointing out the obvious. Clearly you missed my point about how what works for one bride and groom's family and friends might not work for another. Believe me. I've read all these comments of you other brides insulting the brides who are having gaps. What I'M saying is that a gap works best for our family and friends. It allows those who wish to change after the ceremony and before the reception to do so. It allows the family who never get to see each other to spend more time together. It allows my fiance and I to have the first time we see each other be when we walk down the aisle. It allows us more time to spend with the family and friends who so graciously came to our wedding at the cocktail hour. Like I said. This works best for OUR family and friends. Just because it doesn't work for yours or someone else's doesn't make it wrong. My cousin had a two hour gap at her wedding and whenever my family all get together we always talk about how that was the best wedding we have ever been to.
This is from the OP:
"Second -- I want to respond to some of the "regulars" who are complaining about us being "special snowflakes" or trying to match some "vision." Let me explain my "vision:"
- My vision is one in which I couldn't have the wedding day I wanted -- or even a date remotely close to it -- because of a bunch of other family obligations that cropped up and forced us to abandon the idea of a fall wedding.
- My vision is one in which I planned my entire wedding in less than 6 months because my dad is dying of a terminal illness and I'd kind of like him to be at the wedding (God willing).
- It's a vision where I gave up on having a casual outdoor ceremony because my fiance is a devout Catholic who wanted a traditional Mass and I wanted to respect that.
- And it's a vision where I recognize that many of our guests are older relatives who don't want to wait until 7 or 8 p.m. for dinner because that's probably when they're going home."
This is the response:
"OP, if you are not going to listen to the experienced ladies of TK then perhaps it is you who should leave. This whole thread is a catastrophe. Good luck with your gaps, ladies. Hopefully your guests don't get so pissed off waiting on your speshul-ness that they conveniently forget your gift at home. That's what I would be doing, especially if I heard this attitude. Just sayin'."
I don't think it's the OP who has her priorities out of whack. And did you know it's poor etiquette to bring a gift to a wedding? You're supposed to send it in advance, but I guess the convenience of your hosts is just none of your concern is it? But sure, the bride definitely deserves it. Her fault right? She was so immature as to have an hour gap you had no choice but to withhold a gift and your goodwill. She's the rude one and you're off the hook, better to stay home and drink alone then put up with that bs amirite? < insert sassy "ain't nobody got time for that" gif here >
Ok, I'll play @butterflyz419 . You claim to be sticking up for the OP in this post because she had to compromise her wedding vision already. I would like to point out that there are a couple of regular posters who started out by trying to help her with her timeline before this thread went newsletter. A few even gave specifics and said that stretching the cocktail hour, adding a receiving line, etc to shorten the gap to just travel time would be acceptable alternatives.
Most of the sarcasm from regulars has been directed at all the posters after that who continue to post how the wedding is their "special day" and that she should just "do what feels right" and if her guests can't put up with a half hour/hour/2 hour/4 HOUR gap, then they should just not come to the wedding because it's their super special day and the guests can just be adults and deal with their plans because it's not their day.
See how all these posters are actually making it worse for people like the OP who were trying to work with their wedding timeline to figure out if their plan was acceptable?
In the OP's case, I would suggest that since the wedding is in a Catholic church to keep her FI in communion with his faith, the reception is even more about her. Marriage is all about compromise and that starts with the wedding day. The wedding couple have to figure out what they want, what they can afford to host and who all they can invite together. Sacrifices might have to be made. But they shouldn't be made by the guests.
She is accommodating his faith and he's accommodating her timeline to include her father. I wonder if she ever considered an outdoor reception (since she wanted an outdoor wedding) maybe in a garden or park. Gardens especially usually book events during the day since that's when you can see the lovely scenery so they would be great locations for an earlier (right after Catholic wedding ceremony) reception. And an earlier timeline would also help those elderly guests that need to eat dinner.
There are ways to have a perfectly lovely wedding, even with things like the groom's faith or a father's illness that need to be accommodated without a gap.
1. Zero Tolerance for Bullies (aka- how to get banned)
We know you are all adults, and no, we’re not going to ban you for using profanity, sarcasm or sharing your opinion in conversation. However, we are going to ban you if you’re malicious towards another user.
Malicious, petty and/or personal attacks of any kind are unacceptable, so please be mindful of the way you address and discuss others.
Personal attacks include, but are not limited to: starting a thread with a user’s name as the topic/title to “bash” them, linking to a thread to call out a user on their post, thoughts or beliefs (not a topic), calling a username out maliciously, starting a malicious or derogatory poll/question about a user, using images (memes, gifs, etc.) in a direct attack/vicious manner, etc.
The Knot encourages you to share your opinions while respecting others’ thoughts and feelings as well. Feel free to share, but be ready to hear and accept other opinions that you may not always agree with. Because you do not agree with someone, does not mean this is the place to attack anyone else’s beliefs.
Some people believe a gap is rude. For some it's the norm. Voice your opinion but stop attacking each other because of something you believe is rude.
Our ceremony is at 3pm because our church, with a priest whom we are very close with, only has weddings at 3pm on Saturdays due to Saturday evening mass. How are we rude for wanting to be married by a man who is very near and dear to our hearts? The cocktail hour begins at 6pm. The family I am marrying into, in their culture they change between the ceremony and cocktail hour/reception. How are we rude for allowing our guests to embrace their own culture and still be able to attend all wedding events. I can also tell you that my family; aunts, uncles, cousins, family friends, don't mind the gap. We embrace it. They would also be disappointed if the reception ended at 9 as opposed to the planned time of 11:30.
We are only inviting those nearest and dearest to us. No acquaintances or or random plus ones that aren't in a serious relationship. Everyone attending knows each other. There is only one girl, the wife of one of the groomsman who is shy and may be uncomfortable during the gap. For that reason she is invited to come around on the bus with us while we take pictures in the city. Guests will also be provided with fun things to do in the city, Chicago, during the gap.
In the end, you are the one who knows your guests the best. What some consider rude might be completely non offensive to someone else. Some people think it is rude for their children not to be invited to the wedding. That is their belief. My belief is that it is rude for parents to expect their children to be invited. In the Persian culture, weddings are the event of the season and people wear their absolute best. They might find it rude when they arrive at a casual rustic wedding to see people in simple dockers and a button down shirt.
What works for one bride and groom's family and friends might not work for another. So knock it off with the personal and vicious attacks. Not one of you is better than the other or is your wedding better than the other.
Also, @foundtheone8815 did you actually read the TOS you just posted? All of the personal attacks have been from the non-regular posters calling us married, regular posters bitches, implying we're all on our periods, etc.
Disagreeing with someone does not constitute an attack.
If you think gaps aren't rude, there are plenty of ladies on here who know they are and will try to correct you to proper etiquette. You may continue on with your plan that is rude to your guests, we can't stop you, but we will tell you it is a rude plan and your guests might like you less for making them stand around in heels while you take pretty pictures. You are entitled to your opinion, but as far as etiquette goes, you are being rude to your guests. It has nothing to do with my opinion or your opinion.
Also, it might be "the norm" but that does not make it any less rude to your guests, who from what you just posted were probably invited without their boyfriends/girlfriends because they weren't serious enough for you to consider them a real couple. Also, driving around Chicago, especially if you are unfamiliar with the traffic patterns can be really challenging so I'm thinking most of your guests will just find a bar and start drinking. Because you can change in less than 15 minutes, I don't know what kind of outfit it would take multiple hours to get into. Are they sewn into this traditional cultural garment made on location? Also impressed with your ability to read the minds of all your guests so you know their private thoughts on gaps.
And yes, it is rude of people to always assume their children are invited, even when not named on an invite. It is not rude for a couple to have a casual wedding, even if their guest list is used to something more formal. Those are examples of rude guest behavior (trying to force their children on an event they are not invited to and judging a wedding couples' stylistic choices) and there is nothing a host(ess) can do to prevent her guests from being rude people. He or she CAN and SHOULD host their event properly without putting any of the onus on the guests. It is rude for the host to split the event, leaving a large and un-hosted gap, it is rude for them to dictate their guests' attire and it is rude for them to make the guests pay for anything at a hosted event.
Your timeline sounds just fine if the cocktail hour begins 30 mins after the ceremony ends. And you don't need to hustle to get to the reception venue. Take your time, spend a few minutes alone with the groom to relax and de-stress. My ceremony will only take 20 mins (how anyone could do 1.5 hours is beyond me. I hope you wear flats!) It will begin at 1 pm, and our reception is a lunch at a nearby restaurant (10 min walk at most, same location) that is booked for 2 pm.
Your timeline sounds just fine if the cocktail hour begins 30 mins after the ceremony ends. And you don't need to hustle to get to the reception venue. Take your time, spend a few minutes alone with the groom to relax and de-stress. My ceremony will only take 20 mins (how anyone could do 1.5 hours is beyond me. I hope you wear flats!) It will begin at 1 pm, and our reception is a lunch at a nearby restaurant (10 min walk at most, same location) that is booked for 2 pm.
So what on earth are your guests supposed to do while the restaurant is still setting up and your ceremony is over with? 1pm you start your ceremony, 1:20-1:25 the ceremony is over with (allowing for some exit time), 1:35 at the latest they're standing around the restaurant, waiting for the tables to be cleaned, positioned, etc. until 2pm when the restaurant has everything ready. That makes no sense.
Re: The dreaded "gap"
Folks, nobody has ever offered any justification for a gap that makes it acceptable even slightly. Stop wasting our time by calling us "bullies" or accusing us of "attacking you" when we bring that to your attention. And for the love of all that's holy, if you're planning for a gap, lose the gap.
So. I have a little me time, which is spent between various things, H gets raid time, everyone (in the guild) is happy.
"Second -- I want to respond to some of the "regulars" who are complaining about us being "special snowflakes" or trying to match some "vision." Let me explain my "vision:"
- My vision is one in which I couldn't have the wedding day I wanted -- or even a date remotely close to it -- because of a bunch of other family obligations that cropped up and forced us to abandon the idea of a fall wedding.
- My vision is one in which I planned my entire wedding in less than 6 months because my dad is dying of a terminal illness and I'd kind of like him to be at the wedding (God willing).
- It's a vision where I gave up on having a casual outdoor ceremony because my fiance is a devout Catholic who wanted a traditional Mass and I wanted to respect that.
- And it's a vision where I recognize that many of our guests are older relatives who don't want to wait until 7 or 8 p.m. for dinner because that's probably when they're going home."
This is the response:
"OP, if you are not going to listen to the experienced ladies of TK then perhaps it is you who should leave. This whole thread is a catastrophe. Good luck with your gaps, ladies. Hopefully your guests don't get so pissed off waiting on your speshul-ness that they conveniently forget your gift at home. That's what I would be doing, especially if I heard this attitude. Just sayin'."
I don't think it's the OP who has her priorities out of whack. And did you know it's poor etiquette to bring a gift to a wedding? You're supposed to send it in advance, but I guess the convenience of your hosts is just none of your concern is it? But sure, the bride definitely deserves it. Her fault right? She was so immature as to have an hour gap you had no choice but to withhold a gift and your goodwill. She's the rude one and you're off the hook, better to stay home and drink alone then put up with that bs amirite? < insert sassy "ain't nobody got time for that" gif here >
As long as it is stated in your invitation your guests can choose to attend or not. Those who care about yours and your soon to be husband's day will be there and be happy. Don't stress about it. It's perfectly reasonable and everyone will have a great time!
I don't think I have the strength the read much more. How often are these newsletters coming out now? I need to fortify myself!
I have never been able to see where the "gap" became such a horrible, dramatic thing.
At my wedding, I want people around me who are close enough to me to not be offended by stupid rules like that. The rules that make everything hard. What on earth is wrong with giving your guests a minute to collect themselves, put their stuff away, etc. before heading to the reception, especially if it makes the entire wedding go more smoothly?
I mean, ok, maybe it's a cultural thing. Half of my family is french, and almost every wedding I've ever been to was for one french cousin or other...and there is ALWAYS a gap between the ceremony and reception. Everybody would change their shoes, grab a sweater if the weather had changed, drop off their jackets if it happened to get hot, and patiently wait for the time it was supposed to start, because hey, we're all happy they're getting married, so what the hell is the big deal with (OMG!) having to WAIT a little bit? I mean because we might be (oh NO!) inconvenienced!? And on someone dear to me's wedding day.!
I realize that yes, this CAN create inconveniences, and maybe I'm totally missing something, maybe there is in fact something unbelievably horrible and unfair about a gap, but,
Just my thoughts.
I don't understand why people think it is okay to make their guests wait for the next wedding event to happen when there are ways to plan without gaps. No one in their right mind thinks it is okay to leave guests waiting during any other kind of social event, why should a wedding be different!? After the ceremony, the rest of the wedding is about the guests and the bride and groom have a responsibility to be gracious hosts. Making guests sit around and wait or "find something to do" for god knows how long in their nice clothes is not good hosting...anywhere! Stop making excuses for being rude and inconsiderate.
1. Zero Tolerance for Bullies (aka- how to get banned)
We know you are all adults, and no, we’re not going to ban you for using profanity, sarcasm or sharing your opinion in conversation. However, we are going to ban you if you’re malicious towards another user.
Malicious, petty and/or personal attacks of any kind are unacceptable, so please be mindful of the way you address and discuss others.
Personal attacks include, but are not limited to: starting a thread with a user’s name as the topic/title to “bash” them, linking to a thread to call out a user on their post, thoughts or beliefs (not a topic), calling a username out maliciously, starting a malicious or derogatory poll/question about a user, using images (memes, gifs, etc.) in a direct attack/vicious manner, etc.
The Knot encourages you to share your opinions while respecting others’ thoughts and feelings as well. Feel free to share, but be ready to hear and accept other opinions that you may not always agree with. Because you do not agree with someone, does not mean this is the place to attack anyone else’s beliefs.
Just how did you miss the primary point, reiterated over these 18 pages, that this is not about the choice you made when you chose your ceremony and pastor? It is about the choice you made when you chose your venue or your venue start time.
Most of the sarcasm from regulars has been directed at all the posters after that who continue to post how the wedding is their "special day" and that she should just "do what feels right" and if her guests can't put up with a half hour/hour/2 hour/4 HOUR gap, then they should just not come to the wedding because it's their super special day and the guests can just be adults and deal with their plans because it's not their day.
See how all these posters are actually making it worse for people like the OP who were trying to work with their wedding timeline to figure out if their plan was acceptable?
In the OP's case, I would suggest that since the wedding is in a Catholic church to keep her FI in communion with his faith, the reception is even more about her. Marriage is all about compromise and that starts with the wedding day. The wedding couple have to figure out what they want, what they can afford to host and who all they can invite together. Sacrifices might have to be made. But they shouldn't be made by the guests.
She is accommodating his faith and he's accommodating her timeline to include her father. I wonder if she ever considered an outdoor reception (since she wanted an outdoor wedding) maybe in a garden or park. Gardens especially usually book events during the day since that's when you can see the lovely scenery so they would be great locations for an earlier (right after Catholic wedding ceremony) reception. And an earlier timeline would also help those elderly guests that need to eat dinner.
There are ways to have a perfectly lovely wedding, even with things like the groom's faith or a father's illness that need to be accommodated without a gap.
Disagreeing with someone does not constitute an attack.
If you think gaps aren't rude, there are plenty of ladies on here who know they are and will try to correct you to proper etiquette. You may continue on with your plan that is rude to your guests, we can't stop you, but we will tell you it is a rude plan and your guests might like you less for making them stand around in heels while you take pretty pictures. You are entitled to your opinion, but as far as etiquette goes, you are being rude to your guests. It has nothing to do with my opinion or your opinion.
Also, it might be "the norm" but that does not make it any less rude to your guests, who from what you just posted were probably invited without their boyfriends/girlfriends because they weren't serious enough for you to consider them a real couple. Also, driving around Chicago, especially if you are unfamiliar with the traffic patterns can be really challenging so I'm thinking most of your guests will just find a bar and start drinking. Because you can change in less than 15 minutes, I don't know what kind of outfit it would take multiple hours to get into. Are they sewn into this traditional cultural garment made on location? Also impressed with your ability to read the minds of all your guests so you know their private thoughts on gaps.
And yes, it is rude of people to always assume their children are invited, even when not named on an invite. It is not rude for a couple to have a casual wedding, even if their guest list is used to something more formal. Those are examples of rude guest behavior (trying to force their children on an event they are not invited to and judging a wedding couples' stylistic choices) and there is nothing a host(ess) can do to prevent her guests from being rude people. He or she CAN and SHOULD host their event properly without putting any of the onus on the guests. It is rude for the host to split the event, leaving a large and un-hosted gap, it is rude for them to dictate their guests' attire and it is rude for them to make the guests pay for anything at a hosted event.
My ceremony will only take 20 mins (how anyone could do 1.5 hours is beyond me. I hope you wear flats!) It will begin at 1 pm, and our reception is a lunch at a nearby restaurant (10 min walk at most, same location) that is booked for 2 pm.