Alcohol Dispute

nash0814 · May 2014

So my fiancé and i had planned on doing a cash bar at our reception because we couldn't afford to pay for the alcohol but our venue has a bartender regardless. When my fiances mother found out she got really upset because they don't want alcohol to be there for religious reasons and don't want alcohol present at all. So, reluctantly, we decided that there would be no alcohol at the reception at all. After telling my family, they were upset for the opposite reason. My family enjoys a glass of wine with their meals and sees nothing wrong with having it at the reception. My mom would like it there and my fiancee family doesn't...and they are both very strongly wanting their side. It is stressing me out more than anything else and I don't want this to be how we start our wedding or our life together; I really don't know what to do!!

OwningAHome1981 · May 2014

Are you and your fiancé paying for the wedding? If so, it's your decision. If parents aren't paying, I don't think they can really get a say. Do not do a cash bar though. If you are going to offer alcohol, you can do simple beer & wine, you don't have to do full bar, but please please do not charge your guests.

lyndausvi · May 2014

As someone who likes to have cocktails at social events I get really irritated when non-hosts or payers dictate that there can't be alcohol there because they don't like it. If you don't want it don't drink it, but how dare you say I'm not allowed to have a drink.

Really pisses me off.

That said, I'm not a fan of a cash bar.

OwningAHome1981 · May 2014

lyndausvi said:

As someone who likes to have cocktails at social events I get really irritated when non-hosts or payers dictate that there can't be alcohol there because they don't like it. If you don't want it don't drink it, but how dare you say I'm not allowed to have a drink.

Really pisses me off.

That said, I'm not a fan of a cash bar.

I so agree... If you don't want to drink, don't... but don't deny that to your guests if they would like a drink.

I think if the reason is $$ that's ok if you can only afford dry, it is what it is, but to not offer it b/c you don't like it/don't drink is just selfish.

I'm in agreement with you Lynda.

LondonLisa · May 2014

I agree with pp, absolutely no cash bar! But, you need to give more information regarding who is paying for the wedding. This is good marriage practice for you and your Fi to get on the same page and back each other up with regards to drawing boundaries with your respective families.

AddieCake · May 2014

Ditto PPs. A cash bar is not at all appropriate b/c you don't charge guests for refreshments at your wedding. You wouldn't serve them chicken and say, "We also have steak available for you if you like, but you will have to pay for it."

If you are paying for the wedding, you should determine whether or not there is alcohol, not guests who are not paying. Family or not, they are still just guests if they are not paying.

banana468 · May 2014

lyndausvi said:
As someone who likes to have cocktails at social events I get really irritated when non-hosts or payers dictate that there can't be alcohol there because they don't like it. If you don't want it don't drink it, but how dare you say I'm not allowed to have a drink.

Really pisses me off.

That said, I'm not a fan of a cash bar.

Ditto this. If it's a cost thing then don't offer it. However do his parents never eat at restaurants that serve alcohol? You can be against it for yourself for religious beliefs but you need to understand that not everyone has those beliefs. As a Catholic, I believe Jesus turned water into wine. Why would I be against alcohol?

Jen4948 · May 2014

Don't do a cash bar. If you don't want to serve alcohol, just don't have it available. But if you're paying, make the decision and own it. Both sides need to accept it like grownups.

CamiSelene · May 2014

If they don't like alcohol, they don't have to drink but their beliefs should not dictate what others can or cannot do. Have your bar but don't do a cash bar. If it's about the cost, do a limited open bar like beer and wine only. If the cost of alcohol is not within your budget then you have your answer right there, have a dry wedding. I am not one to be offended by cash bars because I have never been to an open bar in my area. Cash bars are the norm here since liquor prices are insane but I am still in agreement with PP's here that cash bars are rude. If you were to invite guests to your house, you wouldn't charge them for wine so why would you at a wedding?

MyNameIsNot · May 2014

nash0814 said:

So my fiancé and i had planned on doing a cash bar at our reception because we couldn't afford to pay for the alcohol but our venue has a bartender regardless. When my fiances mother found out she got really upset because they don't want alcohol to be there for religious reasons and don't want alcohol present at all. So, reluctantly, we decided that there would be no alcohol at the reception at all. After telling my family, they were upset for the opposite reason. My family enjoys a glass of wine with their meals and sees nothing wrong with having it at the reception. My mom would like it there and my fiancee family doesn't...and they are both very strongly wanting their side. It is stressing me out more than anything else and I don't want this to be how we start our wedding or our life together; I really don't know what to do!!

Cash bars are really rude. If you can't afford to supply alcohol, you need to have it dry. End of story.

That said, you and your FI need to get on the same page and stop letting your parents make all these decisions. You are adults. You make a decision and tell your parents. The wedding is practice for setting boundaries for the rest of your life.

monkeysip · May 2014

I completely agree with PPs that it depends on who's paying, but I do disagree that religious reasons aren't valid.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not anti-alcohol. BUT if someone were against alcohol for moral/religious reasons, then I would respect that. Just like I wouldn't expect a Jewish/Muslim person to serve pork. Or someone who is vegetarian for moral reasons to serve meat. I don't expect people to violate their own religious/moral convictions (which they would be doing if they paid for it) just so I can enjoy something.

But if his parents aren't hosting the wedding, then they don't get a say in this.

JoanE2012 · May 2014

nash0814 said:

So my fiancé and i had planned on doing a cash bar at our reception because we couldn't afford to pay for the alcohol but our venue has a bartender regardless. When my fiances mother found out she got really upset because they don't want alcohol to be there for religious reasons and don't want alcohol present at all. So, reluctantly, we decided that there would be no alcohol at the reception at all. After telling my family, they were upset for the opposite reason. My family enjoys a glass of wine with their meals and sees nothing wrong with having it at the reception. My mom would like it there and my fiancee family doesn't...and they are both very strongly wanting their side. It is stressing me out more than anything else and I don't want this to be how we start our wedding or our life together; I really don't know what to do!!

If you cannot afford alcohol, have a dry wedding. Or, just have beer and wine. But please don't charge your guests. Your reception is your "thank you" to you guests......they shouldn't have to open up their wallet.

Furthermore, neither set of parents gets a say in this if they are not paying. You're an adult, heck, you're getting married! Stand up to them.

lyndausvi · May 2014

I've thought about this more and I would have the cash bar just to piss off those who think they have the right to tell me I'm not allowed to drink. This could be my first and only cash bar endorsement.

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

I agree with monkeysip. I would expect hosts to go against.their moral beliefs for me, so if the parents of thethe groom are hosting, no alcohol is fine.

But if they're not hosting, they can GTFO the idea there will be alcohol there.

However, WHOMEVER is hosting needs to do so properly, and that means no cash bar.

theartistformerlyknownas · May 2014

monkeysip said:

I completely agree with PPs that it depends on who's paying, but I do disagree that religious reasons aren't valid.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not anti-alcohol. BUT if someone were against alcohol for moral/religious reasons, then I would respect that. Just like I wouldn't expect a Jewish/Muslim person to serve pork. Or someone who is vegetarian for moral reasons to serve meat. I don't expect people to violate their own religious/moral convictions (which they would be doing if they paid for it) just so I can enjoy something.

But if his parents aren't hosting the wedding, then they don't get a say in this.

I don't really think vegetarians are a fair comparison... they oppose animals being killed for any reason. Having animals killed to serve at their wedding would still violate that belief even if they don't personally consume it. The animals are still dead. People who are against alcohol, though, only oppose the consumption of it, not its production or existence. Splitting hairs, yes... that said though, most of my FI's family avoids alcohol for strong reasons (as does FI) but we're still serving it. We trust the adults we're inviting to make their own judgement call.

Still comes down to who is hosting. S/he who pays, gets a say.

nash0814 · May 2014

My Fi and I are paying for the wedding, my mom is helping with some (with what she can) and my Fi's parents are paying for the rehearsal dinner only...

His parents feel very strongly about not having alcohol there period; they don't want it to be available at all. I was thinking that we could possibly try to find a compromise; that way we can meet half way. At the end of the day it is about my Fi and I but we want to make everyone happy too

aquila129 · May 2014

Honestly....and I know I'm probably going to get raked over the coals for this, but I see no issues with a cash bar whatsoever. My fiance and I are doing an open bar for the cocktail hour and that's it. Cash bar after that. Some people won't drink and others will drink a ton, so why waste the money. Especially when you have people potentially getting trashed just because it is an open bar. I understand the "thank you" argument but to me it's just not realistic. As for the other portion, I'm in agreement with everyone else. Respect their opinion on the matter [and don't seat them next to the bar

] but if you're paying the bulk of the wedding with your mom's help, I'd so go your way on it.

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

aquila129 said:
Honestly....and I know I'm probably going to get raked over the coals for this, but I see no issues with a cash bar whatsoever.

My fiance and I are doing an open bar for the cocktail hour and that's it. Cash bar after that. Some people won't drink and others will drink a ton, so why waste the money. Especially when you have people potentially getting trashed just because it is an open bar. I understand the "thank you" argument but to me it's just not realistic.

As for the other portion, I'm in agreement with everyone else. Respect their opinion on the matter [and don't seat them next to the bar ] but if you're paying the bulk of the wedding with your mom's help, I'd so go your way on it.

Why waste the money on hosting your guests properly?

Because otherwise you should go to city hall and have a JOP wedding and in it no one else.

You're welcome to be rude on your own time, but don't advocate bad hosting here, please.

banana468 · May 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

Honestly....and I know I'm probably going to get raked over the coals for this, but I see no issues with a cash bar whatsoever. My fiance and I are doing an open bar for the cocktail hour and that's it. Cash bar after that. Some people won't drink and others will drink a ton, so why waste the money. Especially when you have people potentially getting trashed just because it is an open bar. I understand the "thank you" argument but to me it's just not realistic. As for the other portion, I'm in agreement with everyone else. Respect their opinion on the matter [and don't seat them next to the bar ] but if you're paying the bulk of the wedding with your mom's help, I'd so go your way on it.
Why waste the money on hosting your guests properly? Because otherwise you should go to city hall and have a JOP wedding and in it no one else. You're welcome to be rude on your own time, but don't advocate bad hosting here, please.

***Stuck in the box***
She's also advocating for gaps too. Poo.

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

@banana468‌, oh this is my shocked face: ---__---

OliveOilsMom · May 2014

nash0814 said:

My Fi and I are paying for the wedding, my mom is helping with some (with what she can) and my Fi's parents are paying for the rehearsal dinner only...

His parents feel very strongly about not having alcohol there period; they don't want it to be available at all. I was thinking that we could possibly try to find a compromise; that way we can meet half way. At thet end of the day it is about my Fi and I but we want to make everyone happy too

Then take your parents out of the equation. Since you are paying, what do you and FI want? If FILs want a dry RD, since they are paying, that is their right. But for FILs to dictate something when they are not paying is just too bad. So if you and FI want to have a drink at your reception, than have something. But don't make your guests pay, host what you can afford.

JoanE2012 · May 2014

aquila129 said:

Honestly....and I know I'm probably going to get raked over the coals for this, but I see no issues with a cash bar whatsoever. My fiance and I are doing an open bar for the cocktail hour and that's it. Cash bar after that. Some people won't drink and others will drink a ton, so why waste the money. Especially when you have people potentially getting trashed just because it is an open bar. I understand the "thank you" argument but to me it's just not realistic. As for the other portion, I'm in agreement with everyone else. Respect their opinion on the matter [and don't seat them next to the bar ] but if you're paying the bulk of the wedding with your mom's help, I'd so go your way on it.

I thought a cash bar was bad, but your idea is worse! You are teasing people with an open bar for an hour and then asking them to open their wallets the rest of the night! Host what you can afford and are want for the ENTIRE night. If that means a dry wedding, so be it.

theartistformerlyknownas · May 2014

JoanE2012 said:

aquila129 said:

Honestly....and I know I'm probably going to get raked over the coals for this, but I see no issues with a cash bar whatsoever. My fiance and I are doing an open bar for the cocktail hour and that's it. Cash bar after that. Some people won't drink and others will drink a ton, so why waste the money. Especially when you have people potentially getting trashed just because it is an open bar. I understand the "thank you" argument but to me it's just not realistic. As for the other portion, I'm in agreement with everyone else. Respect their opinion on the matter [and don't seat them next to the bar ] but if you're paying the bulk of the wedding with your mom's help, I'd so go your way on it.

I thought a cash bar was bad, but your idea is worse! You are teasing people with an open bar for an hour and then asking them to open their wallets the rest of the night! Host what you can afford and are want for the ENTIRE night. If that means a dry wedding, so be it.

Yeahhhh seriously @aquila129 I hope you'll reconsider that. Think of how mortifying it would be to go up to get a refill of the drink you had last hour, trying to walk away with it, and being told that it's $6 now. What if they don't have cash and have to sheepishly hand the drink back? How awful.

On the other hand, if you warn your guests ahead of time that only the first hour is on the house, what's to stop them from ordering 4 drinks at a time and defeating the point? It's just a bad, rude idea all around.

OP, this is really a decision you and your FI need to make together, and then stick to. There is nothing wrong with him telling his parents "we respect your opinions, but have decided that in order to be the best hosts to all guests present, we will be offering __________." Maybe that's just a champagne toast, just beer and/or wine, just a signature cocktail or two, whatever.

OwningAHome1981 · May 2014

nash0814 said:
My Fi and I are paying for the wedding, my mom is helping with some (with what she can) and my Fi's parents are paying for the rehearsal dinner only...

His parents feel very strongly about not having alcohol there period; they don't want it to be available at all. I was thinking that we could possibly try to find a compromise; that way we can meet half way. At the end of the day it is about my Fi and I but we want to make everyone happy too

Dry weddings = unhappy guests. I know I would absolutely be unhappy at a dry wedding, even if I knew about it prior b/c I like to drink.

meechellebelle · May 2014

Seriously if I read the "no cash bar end of story" shit anymore I will lose it. Ok so it's proper hosting. And it's proper etiquette. We get it. There's worse things and not everyone does things the exact "wedding perfect way". But I personally would be more annoyed to have no bar than to pay. Yup I'm having a cash bar as well. Oh the horror. I can tell you right now that my guests will have a freakin great time regardless. Say that they'll hate me cause I'm not hosting harm properly all you want. But I know my guests and know they don't expect it and are fine.

MyNameIsNot · May 2014

meechellebelle said:

Seriously if I read the "no cash bar end of story" shit anymore I will lose it. Ok so it's proper hosting. And it's proper etiquette. We get it. There's worse things and not everyone does things the exact "wedding perfect way". But I personally would be more annoyed to have no bar than to pay. Yup I'm having a cash bar as well. Oh the horror. I can tell you right now that my guests will have a freakin great time regardless. Say that they'll hate me cause I'm not hosting harm properly all you want. But I know my guests and know they don't expect it and are fine.

You can be rude to your guests if you want. That's your prerogative. But most people actually care about their guests and want to treat them with some basic manners. Your guests won't hate you because they are your friends and family. They wouldn't hate you if you started burping in their faces either. Are you going to start doing that too?

You can do whatever you want, but advising other brides to treat their guests this way is wrong. Are you trying to entertain yourself with setting people up to embarrass themselves? That's just mean.

Cash bars are rude, no ifs ands or buts.

meechellebelle · May 2014

lol I'm not advising anyone to do anything. But you can't mention alcohol on these boards without someone immediately jumping down their throats about cash bars. My favorite is "do what you can afford though". We can afford cash bars. Sorry not sorry.

meechellebelle · May 2014

And I've never been to a wedding with a cash bar and thought "wow how rude that I have to pay for my own alcohol." If you choose up drink then you can pay. If you choose to not spend the money then don't drink. Easy enough. I've never been to a full open bar around here either. I don't see anything wrong with cocktail hour open bar only. I just don't see that as rude but whatever.

JoanE2012 · May 2014

meechellebelle said:

lol I'm not advising anyone to do anything. But you can't mention alcohol on these boards without someone immediately jumping down their throats about cash bars. My favorite is "do what you can afford though". We can afford cash bars. Sorry not sorry.

Whatever happened to saving up for something you wanted? Instead of saving up properly, you just put that expense on to your guests? Classy. You going to charge extra for the steak too?

NYCMercedes · May 2014

@meechellebelle, I have been to one and I have thought, "How rude!"

meechellebelle said:

And I've never been to a wedding with a cash bar and thought "wow how rude that I have to pay for my own alcohol." If you choose up drink then you can pay. If you choose to not spend the money then don't drink. Easy enough. I've never been to a full open bar around here either. I don't see anything wrong with cocktail hour open bar only. I just don't see that as rude but whatever.

meechellebelle · May 2014

I never said I wanted an open bar so no, I wasn't saving up for that. $4,000 for beer wine only and $7,000 for a full open bar just seems like a ridiculous waste of money. It's just a wedding. Again, guests can choose not to drink if they don't want to spend money. That's fine. I can't think of one guest at our wedding that would be offended. It just makes me laugh how serious people here take cash bars. Life will go on without open bar I promise.

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